Garden of Eva
by BrentD
Summary: "If you've only seen Epiosde 26 then you haven't seen the full story..." A really old and perverted series that honestly you shouldn't probably read as it's lewd as all hell. Original story by Jim Lazar of the (now defunct) Anime Prime website.
1. Reality Bites!

So this is one of the oldest works of Evangelion fanfiction that I know of, dating back to the year 1998. It's also seemed to have vanished almost completely from the web nowadays, so here it is, mirrored in full for posterity.

Garden of Eva 0:1 - Reality Bites!

* * *

"Unit 01, Angel at 9 o'clock."

"I've got it. Asuka, take the Angel on your right. I'll take this new one," Shinji called out. He quickly adjusted his Eva's controls and his Eva Unit 01 lumbered to engage the new threat.

"Who put you in command?!" an angry female voice replied over the intercom.

Shinji sighed. It was like this every time they piloted the Evas.

"Just do it, you're closer to that one!" Shinji yelled back.

"Jackass," Asuka replied. Then her Eva Unit 02 launched a volley of high-powered bullets at her target.

"You'd be better off using hand to hand with that Angel," a calm female voice informed Asuka.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it!"

Shinji was wrestling with an Angel that was twice the size of his Eva. He tried to get his progressive knife into the Angel's core, but it kept moving around the body to avoid the knife.

"Damn it!" Shinji cursed as an explosion rocked his entry plug. He turned his Eva's head to find the source. It was Unit 00. "Rei!"

"I am undamaged," Rei replied.

Shinji returned to trying to kill his Angel. He grinned as he finally found the core with his blade. The Angel exploded underneath him and sent him flying backward to land on top of Eva Unit 02.

"Get off of me, Shinji!" Asuka called.

"I'm not doing this because I like you!" Shinji screamed back. He tried to move his Eva off Eva Unit 02, but the Angel Asuka was fighting had wrapped an elastic arm around both of them.

"Hey look! Shinji and Asuka are doing it!" Touji called out.

"Pervert! Just fight your own Angel and leave the lovebirds alone!" Hikari scolded Touji.

"We are not! Our Eva's are just tangled up!" Asuka insisted.

"Very well, I'll take care of this," Rei said.

Soon, Eva Unit 00 deftly destroyed the Angel holding Units 01 and 02 in their doggy style position. As the Angel exploded, the three Eva units were blasted in all directions.

Touji was chasing a glowing Angel through the streets of Tokyo-3 in his Eva Unit 03 and used his Eva's flexible arms to strangle the glowing Angel in front of him. With a sickening sucking sound, the Angel's head popped off and a bloody mess fell to the ground. "Cool!"

Touji exclaimed.

"Oh, that's just sick," Hikari said, holding back her lunch. She then pivoted her Eva Unit 06 quickly to dodge the Angel who was rushing at her back. With a graceful sweep of her long progressive sword, she cut the Angel in half. She smirked. Poetry in motion was the best way to deal with Angels.

"Nice form, Hikari," Kensuke called out, just as he used his Eva Unit 05 to toss an Angel into an energy barrier that the ground forces had erected nearby. The Angel exploded along with a chorus of song.

"Hey! Quit hitting on my babe!" Touji snapped.

"I'm not a babe! You Neanderthal!"

Shinji had gotten his Eva Unit 01 back to it's feet and was scanning for an Angel to attack. He spotted one advancing on the group of Evas from his left; he raced off towards it. "Die!" he screamed, as he grabbed a huge rifle from a nearby ammunition building. He swung the rifle up and blasted the Angel repeatedly. The Angel's advance was slowed by his shots, but not stopped.

Suddenly, Eva Unit 00 was in front of Shinji. It was facing him and appeared to be grinning, but that couldn't be. Shinji was so surprised at it's appearance that he didn't even get an arm up to block the knife that Unit 00 thrust deep into his Eva's head. The knife sliced through the armor of Unit 01's head and projected out the back.

A dark red liquid oozed out. Shinji saw Unit 00 start to pull his Eva's arm off just before his controls all went dead and he was left in darkness.

"Damn it! Why did you do that, Rei?!" Shinji shouted, but got no response since his systems were all dead.

After he had run through every swear word he knew, and some that he just made up, his entry plug opened up. Shinji crawled out. Rei was standing over him in her school uniform. Rei grinned and put her hand on her hips. "That's for looking at my panties after school," Rei said, then added, "Not to mention on my first day of school, too!"

"That was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Yeah, right. Hikari filled me in on you and the rest of the Idiot Trio," Rei said. "And how in the hell is flipping my skirt up after school an accident?"

"Fine then. If all it cost me was losing a dumb VR game, it was worth it for a peek at your panties!" Shinji snapped back at Rei, grinning. "A nice pink lace, with little hearts on them...if I remember correctly."

Rei blushed. He had gotten a good look at them after all. "That's the last time you'll ever see them! Pervert!" Rei informed Shinji and stormed out of the game area.

Shinji watched her leave, then was joined by Touji and Kensuke.

"Oh yeah...she has the love jones for me," Shinji said.

"She hides it well," Kensuke said, smirking.

"So, Shinji...what was it like to hump Asuka?" Touji asked.

"Huh? Oh...that was nothing."

"Tell me about it... I didn't even feel it," Asuka said, as she walked up behind the Idiot Trio. "But since I have seen you naked it actually was pretty realistic." She smiled at Shinji and made her exit.

"Hey! It was cold this morning!" Shinji shouted at her back.

"Bitch," he muttered.

"Okay you three morons! Get out of the game area and we can see how pitifully you did," Hikari commanded, then herded them out. The next group of Eva pilots crawled into the game entry plugs.

* * *

They all sat in the food court at the shopping center where the Evangelion game center was. "That was a fun game, until Rei killed me,"

Shinji remarked, glaring at Rei.

Rei stuck her tongue out at Shinji, then leaned in to take a sip of her drink. She winced in pain as the straw jabbed into her still extended tongue. She gasped, then rubbed her hurt tongue.

The gang all started to chuckle. "Hey, Shinji! Why don't you kiss Rei's tongue to make it feel better!" Touji said, pushing Shinji closer to Rei.

"Hey! Cut that out!" Shinji exclaimed, taking a lingering look at Rei.

"If only those Eva units were real. It'd be really cool to pilot them," Kensuke said, examining a schematic book of the game Evas.

"I guess, but Shinji would want his to be anatomically correct,"

Asuka remarked.

"I already said that was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Shinji loves Asuka. Shinji loves Asuka!" Touji and Kensuke taunted.

"Cut that out!" Shinji yelled.

Ignoring the three stooges, Hikari examined their scorecards.

"Looks like Rei beat us all on points scored."

"How the fuck did she do that?" Asuka screamed, jumping to her feet and pounding the table.

"Well, she got a big bonus for killing Shinji," Hikari explained, pointing to the scorecard.

"Well, that's easy enough to emulate," Asuka remarked, grinning at Shinji.

"Damn. No fair ganging up on me! Asuka, you're just mad because you're not number one anymore!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Well, we'll see how 'Wondergirl' does in tomorrow's game."

"Tomorrow?" Rei asked.

"Well, can't beat me and then not give me a rematch. Can you?"

Asuka asked, then smiled at Rei.

"You're on, Asuka," Rei replied, then added, "We can take turns killing Shinji."

Shinji grew pale.

Kensuke looked up from the blueprints, adjusted his glasses, and said, "Maybe I'll use Unit 01 tomorrow. It seems to respond a little quicker than the later models.

Shinji yelled, "No! I always use Unit 01!"

"He's so set in his ways, isn't he?" Rei asked Asuka.

"Yeah, but if you hit him hard enough he bends," Asuka quipped.

Asuka slurped down some sort of gelatinous food, then asked, "Rei...how did you know about Unit 00, anyway? It's not listed in any of the Eva books."

"Oh...I used to play Eva down in Osaka-2. One of the Eva-heads down there discovered the secret prototype Eva in the program," Rei explained, awkwardly.

"Is that how you found out how to override the lockout on killing your teammates?" Touji asked.

"Yup. Just wait till you see what I show you tomorrow," Rei said, smiling knowingly.

* * *

The gang walked home from the mall, Rei and Hikari brought up the rear. "So...is Asuka really Shinji's girlfriend?" Rei asked Hikari, softly.

Hikari replied, "Not that I know of. They just grew up together."

Upon hearing this, a small smile crossed Rei's face. She looked at all of the cute butts in front of her as she walked. She wore a large smile by the time she got home.

"I'm home!" Rei called out as she walked in her front door.

"Welcome home, Sis!" Ritsuko replied. "Mom's still at her new job, so it's microwave lasagna again."

"Can't you just nuke a different instant meal for once, Big sister?" Rei called back, as she pulled her school uniform off.

"No," Ritsuko replied, poking her head into Rei's room. "How was your first week at the new school?"

"Not bad. I met some kids...they are a little strange, but nice...I guess," Rei said.

"Any cute boys?"

"Err...maybe," Rei replied, blushing.

Ritsuko smiled. "What's his name?"

"No, it's not that...honestly," Rei insisted.

"Right," Ritsuko replied, unconvinced. "What did you do after school?"

"Me and the gang went and played Neon Genesis Evangelion at the mall."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Already 'The Gang', huh?

Did you tell them that your mother designed that game and you probably have more hours in the entry plug than anyone else in the world?"

"No, it didn't come up." Rei grinned, mischievously.

* * *

"I'm home!" Shinji called as he walked into his family's apartment.

"Welcome home, Shinji!" his mom called back.

Shinji tossed his books into his room, went to the kitchen, and rummaged through the refrigerator.

"Shinji, don't spoil your appetite. Dinner is in an hour," his mother informed him.

"Okay, Mom," Shinji replied, but kept looking through the refrigerator. "Nag, nag, nag," he muttered, as he pulled out a can of soda out and a leftover pork bun.

He inhaled the pork bun, then thought that he should have nuked it first. He chugged down the soda on his way to the bathroom. He washed up and then sank his body into the tub.

He sat silently with his eyes closed.

"Is this really the world you want?" a female voice said.

Shinji opened his eyes and saw Rei standing over him. Naked.

"Rei!" Shinji gasped, then tried to cover himself. Then he realized that he wasn't in the bathroom anymore, although he was still naked. "What's going on?" he asked, as he rose to his feet and scanned the large empty theater he found himself in.

"Your world isn't perfect," another female voice said, behind him.

Shinji looked back at Asuka, who was also naked. She hadn't been there when he looked around the room a few seconds earlier. "Asuka?

But...my mom is alive and I don't have to see my friends die and don't have to pilot a real Eva and I don't have to kill and even my dad seems human. It seems perfect to me."

Rei said softly, "There is no perfect world. You created this world with what you considered a set of perfect conditions."

"But after that initial starting point everything will start changing as people interact with each other," Misato said, from Shinji's left.

Rei added, "No person is an island."

Shinji looked at Misato and wasn't too surprised that she was also naked. "Seems okay to me so far."

"But, it's not real," Asuka said.

"Reality bites! I'll take this...no...I'll take *MY* world any day!" Shinji exclaimed.

All three of the women faded out saying, "We'll see."

Shinji awoke from the dream he was having about the new girl. "Rei has a naughty side, apparently." He grinned, as he remembered the whipped cream all over her body.

"Shinji, dinner!" his mom called from outside the bathroom.

"Coming!" Shinji replied, then got up and dressed.


	2. This Bites!

Garden of Eva 0:2 - This Bites!

* * *

Rei lay naked on top of Shinji.

Asuka lay naked underneath Shinji.

Shinji sandwich.

Shinji was very happy.

Until Shinji woke up.

"Stop pointing that twig at me!"

"Uh?" Shinji muttered. He opened his eyes only to be greeted by a scowl from Asuka. "If you don't want to see my mighty oak, quit pulling my sheets off!"

"As your oldest and dearest friend, it is my duty to make sure you get to school on time!" Asuka said, trying to sound noble. Since she was still staring at the aforementioned twig, her motives were suspect.

"Oldest...maybe. Dearest? That's a laugh," Shinji muttered, as he dragged himself out of bed and to the toilet.

"Hurry up already!" Asuka screamed from outside.

Shinji sat on the toilet and relieved himself, trying to figure out why his parents kept letting Asuka into the apartment to abuse him every morning.

Asuka poked her head in the little toilet room and screamed, "Come on already!"

Shinji slipped off the toilet when Asuka's head appeared. "Asuka!

Get the hell out of here! You damn sicko!" he yelled, as his bladder emptied down his leg.

"Well, hurry up then!" Asuka turned and left the room.

Shinji decided he had to get some door locks on the way home from school. "Jeezzzzz, she keeps sneaking peeks at me, but won't show me anything of hers. What a god-damned tease!"

"I heard that!"

* * *

"Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!" Shinji called out as he ran out the door after taking a quick shower.

"Bye, dear!" Shinji's Mom, Yui, called back.

His father just grunted as he flipped the page in the newspaper he was reading.

"Well, I'm glad Asuka is so friendly with Shinji," Yui commented, totally ignoring the fact that Asuka routinely hit Shinji.

Gendou grunted again and said, "Is that so?"

"Do you think we should tell him?"

Gendou grunted again and said, "No, dear. Not yet."

"Would you like to go to the bedroom, dear?"

Gendou grunted. "Yes, dear," he said, turning to the next page of his newspaper.

* * *

Rei waited at the corner.

Rei peeked around the corner.

Rei waited at the corner some more.

Rei swallowed the toast she was chewing on.

Rei sold sea shells at the sea shore.

Rei returned to the corner, peeked around it, and waited some more.

Rei looked around the corner and saw the object of her desire.

Rei backed up and then ran around the corner very fast. She piled into another person and rebounded. She ended up dazed on the sidewalk, her legs spread wide. "Hey!" she shouted.

The quick, redheaded Asuka jumped over the lazy, fallen Shinji on the sidewalk.

"Blue today...nice," Shinji commented, taking a lingering look up Rei's dress.

"Shinji! You did that on purpose! You pervert!" Rei screamed, and closed her legs.

"Nawww. Shinji's too stupid to think of setting up a quote ACCIDENT un-quote, like this one."

"Yeah!" Shinji quickly agreed with Asuka. Then he realized what he just agreed to. "Hey!"

Rei and Asuka both grinned. They turned and headed towards school.

"Girls!" Shinji cursed and followed behind them, enjoying the rear view as he walked to school.

* * *

"So, Shinji, what color today?" Touji quietly asked Shinji before class began.

"Blue," Shinji replied, loudly.

"Pervert!" Rei yelled across the room.

"Shinji, is there something you want to share with the class?"

Sensei Misato asked, adjusting her low-cut dress. The jaws of every boy and one girl in the classroom dropped to the floor with an Earth shattering crash. Third Impact had occurred, but everyone who saw the quick flash of Misato's nipple weren't complaining. Misato blushed, then spun her chair around quickly and adjusted her dress again, this time without exposing herself to the class. Maybe I should start wearing a bra? Nawwww, I'd never get the little walking hormones attention if I did that, she thought.

"No! He doesn't!" Rei replied.

"Awww. Well then...time to get to work," Misato said, sadly. She got up and walked to the board. The eye's of every boy and one girl in the classroom followed her every move, hoping for another peek.

Shinji whispered something to Touji and soon all the boys were passing the information around.

"Now then. Second Impact. In the early days of the new millennium a huge asteroid impacted in Antarctica," Sensei Misato began her lecture for today. Her mind was still thinking about the all night romp she had with her boyfriend last night. She tapped the board in the front of the room and it lit up displaying a map of the world. A label near the top read, 'Earth: pre-Second Impact: 1999 A.D.'.

The students were talking about the current thread of gossip and ignoring the lecture completely. Of course, the boys were still looking at Misato, they just weren't listening to her.

The board changed to display the current world map, low lying areas were covered by the oceans. "The resulting rise in global sea levels caused the deaths of half..."

"Blue! Damn it! I had black lace in the pool!" one boy exclaimed, apparently a little to loudly, since Misato turned around and glared at him.

"Takma, the color of my panties is not a subject to be gossiping about in class," Misato scolded the geeky little blond boy in the rear.

"Err...um..." Takma stammered.

"What is it?"

"It wasn't your panties we were betting on," Takma shyly admitted.

Spitballs and various pieces of furniture quickly pelted him.

Misato started to tear up. "Not mine?"

"We're sorry, Sensei. Today's pool was about Rei's panties," Takma muttered, trying to dig himself out of the pile of desks he was under.

"Rei? You wore blue today, too?" Misato asked, smiling.

Rei tried to hide under her desk.

* * *

Rei stood in the hallway with a bucket in each hand. "You didn't have to yell it out in class you know!"

Shinji stood in the hall, his buckets were on the floor. "Well, you shouldn't keep flashing your panties at me then!" Shinji exclaimed, softly.

"Yeah right! What do you want me to do, hand them to you on a silver platter?!" Rei shouted.

Shinji thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, that'd be nice."

The door to the classroom opened and Misato poked her head out.

"Will you two horny kids shut up out here! And Shinji...put down those buckets again and you'll be moved to a different class!"

Shinji quickly picked up the buckets and bowed his apology to Misato. No teenage boy in his right mind would want to be transferred out of Misato's class.

After Misato had returned to the classroom, Shinji whispered to Rei, "Big mouth."

Rei just fumed. Why couldn't this jerk take a hint.

* * *

Eva Unit 00 took 2.1 seconds to reach Unit 01's position. It took another .4 seconds for Unit 00 to chop the legs off Eva Unit 01 with her progressive knife.

Rei took the remaining 9 minutes and 57.5 seconds of game time to slowly dissect Shinji's Eva Unit 01, starting from the bottom.

Asuka ran by the surgery, picked up one of the severed legs, and used it to club an Angel into oblivion. "By the wrath of the leg of a fallen warrior...I smite thee!" she shouted. Then she decided she had seen too many episodes of 'Shin Seiki Ranma' with that creepy Kuno cyborg in it.

Hikari used her favorite weapon, a long progressive sword, to slice her Angel into two halves. She soon found herself facing two Angels instead of just one. "Oops," she said.

Touji used his Unit 03's fists to pound his Angel into submission.

Finally, after he considered it was humiliated enough, he punched the Angel's core with his fist. The Angel exploded. Unit 03 was thrown on top of Unit 06.

"This is not that place for that, Suzahara!" Hikari yelled, then added softly, "Later, Cutey-pie."

A voice buzzed over the intercom, "Um...we can all hear the intercom, Hikari." Kensuke smiled as he watched Unit 03 and Unit 06 try to get out of the tangled mess they had fallen into.

Hikari blushed a deep crimson, as did her Eva Unit 06. Well, the blush that covered Unit 06 was really just a fire reflecting off the Eva's white armor.

Kensuke took his chance to deal with the twin Angels. He used his Eva Unit 10's jump jets to scale a tall building in a single bound. He stood on the top of the building and extended the built-in progressive arm blades from his Eva's arms. He grinned and jumped from the building. He landed between the two Angels and slashed each one. The blades sliced neatly through the Angel's cores and they exploded.

Kensuke jetted out of the way to avoid damaging his Eva. "Awesome! I've got to use this Unit 10 again!"

As Rei cut each piece off Shinji's Eva, his entry plug shook. By the time the ten-minute game session was over, Shinji was black and blue. Shinji's entry plug opened and he dragged himself out. "Damn it, Rei!"

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" Rei remarked as she made her way out of the game area.

"No, you're the bitch!" Shinji shot back at the retreating figure.

Kensuke pushed his glasses up his nose then helped Shinji to his feet. "Still think she has the love jones for you, Shinji?"

"Well, it's obvious that she is just shy and using the game to get closer to me," Shinji insisted, as he made his way out of the game area.

Touji clapped his hand on Kensuke's shoulder and whispered to him, "Shinji seems think every girl is after him, even the ones who beat him up."

"Move it! I think I finally scored higher than Asuka and I want to see the scores!" Hikari shouted and pushed the two boys out of the game area.

* * *

"First I lose to Wondergirl, then to Miss Bossy. Next I'll be marrying Shinji," Asuka muttered, crying into her hands. "What kind of screwed up world is this?"

Rei patted Asuka's back. "There...there. Using Shinji's leg as a weapon may have looked awesome, but it was hardly going to rack up the points. I'll give you some pointers for tomorrow's game."

"Thanks, Rei," Asuka replied, looking up.

"Can't have you ruining your life by marring Shinji, can we?" Rei insisted, smiling.

"Thanks, Rei."

"This bites," Shinji muttered.

"I thought you said reality bites?" a calm voice said from behind Shinji.

Shinji looked around and found himself staring at a naked Misato.

He gasped. Then he looked around the large theater he was now in.

"Well, the Rei I envisioned wasn't that mean."

"What kind of Rei did you envision?" Rei asked.

Shinji looked at the naked Rei and replied, "Well...like you, but more emotional."

"Isn't that what you got?" Asuka remarked.

"Err...well...she's more like you now, Asuka."

"And why do you think that is, moron?" Asuka snapped.

"They both love me?"

Misato placed her hand on Shinji's shoulder. "You're delusional."

Asuka said, "First you wanted to escape reality, now you are trying to return to it."

"No...well..."

"Choose."

"Make a decision."

"Any decision."

"I don't want to kill anymore. I want to go back to *MY* world."

"You won't like it," Rei insisted.

Shinji looked determined. "You think I like the real world? As I said before, reality bites!"

"Shinji...please stop drooling on me."

Shinji raised his head from the lap he found himself lying on top of. "Huh?"

Hikari wiped the drool off her skirt. "Shinji, are you okay?"

"What happened?" Shinji asked, rubbing his eyes.

"You made a move on my girl! That's what!" Touji shouted, glaring at Shinji.

"Err...no...I wouldn't," Shinji insisted.

"Relax, Shinji. You just fainted," Rei said, placing a cold towel on Shinji's forehead.

"Rei?" Shinji gasped.

"I'm sorry, Shinji. I didn't know you'd get roughed up in the entry pod that badly," Rei said, then leaned down and kissed Shinji passionately on his lips.

After the kiss ended, Shinji said, "Life is good." Shinji pulled Rei into an embrace.

"Hey! Get your hands off me, you pervert!" Rei shouted, then kneed Shinji in his groin.

"What?" Shinji gasped, blinking.

"I said get your hands off me!" Rei repeated, then kneed Shinji again.

Asuka leaned over him. "Shinji, you really should get more sleep.

You fell asleep and then when you woke up you grabbed Rei."

"She didn't kiss me?" Shinji asked.

"Ack! You pervert! How dare you dream about me like that!" Rei shouted.

"I'm confused."

"Yes, we know."

* * *

The gang walked home from the mall, Shinji was moping in the rear of the gang. Rei dropped back to Shinji's side. "Um...I'm sorry, Shinji. I didn't know that you'd get roughed up in the entry pod that badly."

Shinji looked at Rei and waited for the kiss. It never came.

Reality was never as good as the dream, or in this case, alternate reality was never as good as the dream. "Can you kill one of the others tomorrow?" Shinji asked.

"Sure," Rei said, smiling. Rei turned down the street to her home.

Then without turning around and looking at Shinji, she said, "Next time don't hug me in front of the gang."

Shinji stopped in his tracks and stared at Rei's back. "Huh? Next time?"

* * *

"I'm home, Mom!" Shinji called out and tossed his bag onto the kitchen table. He rummaged through the refrigerator and pulled out a week old pork bun and can of soda.

"How was your day, Shinji?" his mother said as she came into the kitchen. She smoothed out her dress.

Shinji recalled everything that happened that day and replied, "Confusing."

"That's nice, dear," Yui intoned.

Shinji bit into the pork bun, then gasped. "This bites..." Shinji commented and tossed the green pork bun into the garbage. He opened the soda and made his way to the bathroom. Spotting his father coming out of the master bedroom, he said, "Hi, Pop."

"Welcome home, Shinji," Gendou said, tucking in his shirttail. He seemed to be upset, as if something was interrupted.

Shinji washed up and sunk his body into the tub. He stared at the ceiling and muttered, "Familiar ceiling." He sighed.


	3. Kaji Bites Misato!

Garden of Eva 0:3 - Kaji Bites Misato!

* * *

"Give me a thousand on black and red," a boy said to Takma before class started. He handed over a thousand yen bill.

"Okay, which is black?" Takma replied and entered the bet into his palmtop.

"Um...Misato is black, Rei's red."

"You're all set."

Later in class, the three stooges were huddled in together. "So what color today?" Touji asked.

"I don't know. I didn't see them today. Maybe at lunch she'll flash me," Shinji replied.

"Oh no, looks like the new girl doesn't like Shinji anymore,"

Touji quipped.

"Guess it wasn't meant to be. Sorry, Shinji," Kensuke added sadly, patting Shinji on the back.

"Don't worry, I'll see them today," Shinji insisted, glancing at Rei. Rei just continued looking forward.

Misato stood at the front of the class and finished her lecture, then asked, "Okay, can anyone tell me the biggest change in humanity since Second Impact?" No one volunteered, so Misato scanned the room and picked someone. "Shinji?"

"Um...the human population decreased?" Shinji replied uncertainly.

"Yes, no kidding. By about three billion people, but what was the impact on human society?" Misato asked, sitting down at her desk.

"Alright! Black!" a boy exclaimed from the back of the room.

Misato bit back a smile. Anything to keep them interested in class, she thought.

"Well, it's less crowded," Shinji offered.

"Meaning?"

"Less drain of resources?"

"Very good. This event also brought all the world's people together to rebuild after the devastation of the Second Impact. Now, since you were all born after Second Impact, you might not realize this, but the world was..." Misato stopped, as Rei's hand went up.

"Yes, Rei?"

"May I be excused?" Rei asked, looking troubled.

"Of course."

Rei stood up and left the room.

* * *

"Hey, what's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"You left class sort of fast."

"What do you care? You just like to look at my panties."

"Yes, but you're more than a pair of panties to me."

"Pervert."

"Tomboy!"

Shinji stared at the television screen and muttered to himself, "This 'Shin Seiki Ranma' show sure seems familiar somehow."

"Shinji! Take your bath, the water should be hot by now," Yui called out.

"Okay, Mom," Shinji replied, then watched the end of the show anyway. Akane smashed Ranma with an asteroid. "Ouch," Shinji said, feeling sorry for the poor guy. At the same time, though, he envied him, too. That Akane had quite a rack on her. He never understood the flat-chested jokes in that show since she was pretty well built in his opinion.

* * *

Shinji stared up at the ceiling and soaked in the hot bath. "I wonder why Rei didn't flash me today? She's shown me her panties every day since she started school," he muttered. "But not for the last few days! Damn!" Shinji exclaimed. "I wonder why Rei left class today?

Hmmmm, probably just her time of the month."

He returned to his meditation, "Rei, Asuka, Misato, Ami, Akane, Hanaki, or Yukiko today?" He pondered on his choices, then pictured Rei naked. "Ahhhh, such a naughty girl."

After his meditation was finished, he made sure to drain, clean, and then re-fill the tub.

* * *

The next day during lunch, Shinji approached Rei. "Hi, Rei. What's up?"

Rei looked up and smiled. "Hi, Shinji. You are at the moment."

"Huh?" Shinji replied, confused.

Rei smiled, then asked, "So ready for the game tonight? I'm going to play without any of the cheats. Should be a good match."

"Well, it's been more fun playing Eva with you since you stopped dismembering me," Shinji said.

Rei smiled. "Well, I can only get off on chopping you to tiny pieces for so long. I'll just have to find some more interesting ways to have fun," Rei said and winked. She got up and made her way indoors for the afternoon classes.

Totally missing Rei's meaning, Shinji cursed silently, "Damn, she didn't even show me her thigh."

* * *

"Unit 01, Angel at eleven o'clock."

"But it's only seven o'clock," Shinji quipped.

The computer controlled voice didn't find Shinji's joke funny, so the AI program inserted ten Angels around Shinji's Unit 01. It didn't take long for his Eva to be reduced to a pile of scrap metal and flesh.

Shinji waited for the few seconds it took for the Eva to regenerate and return to the game. He was then attacked by the same ten Angels that had just destroyed him. "Damn! No fucking way!" he screamed. He quickly reached behind his game chair and pulled the self-destruct switch. His Eva exploded and took the ten Angels with him, along with half the paying field.

He waited another few seconds for his Eva to regenerate once again. "Damn it...ten Angels at once is no fucking fair." Shinji sighed as he saw his score take a plunge as the self-destruct penalty was subtracted. What was worse, the stupid AI command staff seemed to be laughing at him.

"Hey, Shinji...don't make jokes like that to the AI command staff.

The Eva program has some interesting responses to jokes like that," Rei said, while trying to deal with a huge ring like Angel that had appeared above her. Damn, I don't recall seeing this one before. Did Mom add some new Angels to the program before leaving her old job? Rei thought to herself. Her entry pod shook as the Angel lanced her Eva with a piece of the ring. Damn. I'm done for, Rei thought.

Suddenly, Rei was released from the Angel's hold. "Huh?" she gasped, then looked around and saw that Shinji had cut the tendril that had speared her. Rei smiled, this guy was actually one of the better Eva pilots she had played with. "Thanks, Shinji. If we attack this Angel with our progressive knives at the same time I think we can take it out."

"No problem, Rei!" Shinji replied.

Rei was thankful that she didn't have to sacrifice her Eva to destroy the Angel like Shinji had just had to. Rei helped Shinji chop the Angel into tiny pieces.

Asuka was running and jumping all over the torn up battlefield, chopping every Angel she saw with the two progressive swords she had appropriated from some sort of mutant-ninja-turtle Angel. "Ha! Take that! And That!"

Touji and Hikari were missing for most of the game. They were off in a dark corner experimenting with the 'sex cheat' that Rei had told them about. Turns out the Eva's were anatomically correct without their armor on after all.

"Damn, Touji. If only you were this good for real!" Hikari commented over their private intercom channel. The sight of the male Eva on top of her female Eva was quite...stimulating.

"What do you mean? If you'd let me go further than just your breasts, you'd see what a stallion I am!" Touji insisted. He maneuvered his Eva over on top of Hikari's and began rocking back and forth.

Kensuke spent a lot of time trying to fight off a small humanoid Angel. It had taken control of an unmanned EVA unit and was using it to keep Kensuke from getting close to him.

Kensuke used his Eva Unit 10's progressive arm blades to slash at the possessed Eva Unit 16, but the built in progressive armor plates of that Unit had deflected all of Kensuke's swings.

Kensuke was very worried; he'd never fought this Angel or this Eva Unit before. He was about to call for help from the others when he noticed the flaw in this Eva. Each Eva and Angel had at least one flaw or weakness that could be exploited. He grinned and then charged the possessed Eva. Instead of attacking he slid his Eva between the legs of his enemy. He thrust his progressive arm blades up and sliced the groin of the Eva. Since the progressive armor plates did not cover that area he was able to slice into the Eva's body. A certain part of the Eva's anatomy fell to the ground and wiggled for a bit before exploding.

The possessed Unit 16 howled in rage then collapsed to the ground and held it's bloody groin. It then self-destructed to put itself out of it's misery.

Kensuke smiled, then commented, "Must have been a male Eva." He ran after the little floating Angel. With a flying leap, he managed to grab it and squeezed hard. It's head popped off with a squishy sucking sound and he had his Eva swallow the head. "Yum," he said, looking around for his next meal.

After the ten minute game time was up, the gang crawled out of their entry pods and made their way to the food court for their usual post mission junk-food-a-thon.

Rei was scarfing down a large hot dog.

"Nice technique, Rei. Try that on Shinji yet?" Touji asked.

Rei blushed.

Hikari hit Touji over the head with her bag. "Pervert! Don't make vile comments like that!" she screamed.

Touji rubbed his head, realizing that he'd just screwed up with Hikari again. Time for more roses and groveling.

"Yes! I'm back at number one!" Asuka screamed after examining the scorecards closely.

"Well, you were like a demon possessed out there, Asuka," Kensuke mentioned. He barely looked up from the thick Eva manual he was examining. It was turned to the Eva Unit 16 specification page.

Interesting, might try this one next time, he thought.

"Congratulations, Asuka," Rei said.

"Thanks, Rei. Where did that ring Angel come from anyway?" Asuka asked.

"I don't know. It wasn't in the original Eva program. They might have added it recently," Rei said, then smiled at Shinji and added, "Thanks for your help, Shinji."

"No problem, Rei. See...it's more fun to fight by my side than to cut me into little pieces," Shinji said.

"Not really, but thanks anyway," Rei said.

Shinji stuck his tongue out at Rei.

Kensuke finished his examination of the specs for Unit 16 and commented, "The programmer of the Eva game must be one sick puppy to put Unit 16's weakness in it's groin."

Rei smirked, then said, "Yes, she is an...interesting person."

Kensuke gasped. "You know her? It'd be great to meet her! This game is just so cool!" he exclaimed.

"Umm...yeah. Maybe I'll see if I can get her to meet you guys sometime," Rei offered. Wonder how long I can keep the secret that she's my mother? she worried inwardly.

"Cool!" Kensuke exclaimed, then dropped the thick Eva manual on his foot. "Ouch! Damn, why does this thing have to be so god damned big?" he asked, picking up the centimeter think manual.

Rei sighed. She was effectively motherless for the years that it took her mother to develop the Eva game. The only good thing about the game is that it has brought her closer to her friends. They are friends, aren't they? Not like... she let her thoughts trail off.

* * *

Shinji and Rei were walking home through a nice park after the game. "You really don't need to walk me home," Rei said, although inwardly she was glad he was.

"Well, it's later than normal, so..." Shinji trailed off as he saw a familiar car parked in a dark corner. "Hey, that's Misato's car!"

"Geez, do all you boys always get an erection when you think about Ms. Kastsuragi?" Rei commented, glancing down at Shinji's pants.

Shinji covered his lower regions, blushed, then said, "Well, she's just so fucking hot!"

"Well, I guess you're right. Someone is fucking her right now...look," Rei said, pointing at the car.

Misato was laying in the back seat and a man was bumping and grinding on top of her.

"Damn!"

"Guess that means you're out of the running, too bad."

"No, I meant the windows are too steamed up and I can't see any details!" Shinji exclaimed softly, craning his neck to try to see Misato's naked body better.

"Why are you guys so hung up on her anyway? She's just teasing you boys to keep you interested in class," Rei said.

"No she isn't!" Shinji declared. "Last year she had affairs with half the boys in her class."

"Yeah, right. How many this year?" Rei asked.

"Well, some claims, but none confirmed yet..."

"Thought so. You'll notice that the man humping her right now is not a student. He's pretty cute, actually. I wouldn't mind having him inside me," Rei said, trying to see more of the man.

"Ah, he's nothing special."

"Think you're bigger?"

Shinji blushed, then snapped back, "Hey! Don't believe everything Asuka says! She's just a big liar!"

"Prove it!" Rei shot back.

Shinji recoiled, then leaned closer to Rei. "Don't think that I won't!" he replied.

"Pull your pants down and prove it then," Rei said, sounding very serious.

Shinji faltered, looked around the park, then stammered, "Um...you first."

"Yeah, right. I have nothing to prove. You do."

"Me and my mighty oak have nothing to prove," Shinji insisted.

"Hmmm...me thinks that Shinji is hiding a little twig in his pants after all," Rei said, smiling. She turned her back to Shinji and looked into the car again. "Damn, with the size of that thing, she's going to be sore tomorrow...not that I wouldn't mind being sore like that." Rei started to turn around. "Hey, Shinji?"

Shinji glanced around the park once more, then pulled his pants and underwear down. "There...see? A mighty oak!"

Rei finished turning around and blushed at the sight. "Damn.

Didn't think you had it in you, Shin-boy."

"Shinji! What the hell are you doing out there!"

Shinji fell backwards onto his bare ass. He scrambled to pull his pants back up as Misato stared at him from the open window in her car.

"It's not what you think! Rei dared me!"

"I was just minding my business and this pervert pulled his pants down. I think he's hot for you Ms. Kastsuragi," Rei said, enjoying watching seeing Shinji squirm into his pants.

"Well, of course he is!" Misato said, smiling. "But me and Mr.

Kaji would like our privacy right now. You two horny kids go somewhere else and fuck each other instead of jerking off while I get mine!" She poked her head back in and closed the window. "Kaji...don't bite so hard...the kids will freak if I have any marks tomorrow."

Shinji finished zipping up his pants, leaving a piece of underwear sticking out of the fly and made a hasty retreat. He was followed calmly by Rei.

"Damn, I don't believe I let you talk me into that. Now she's going to move me to a different class!" Shinji mumbled as they walked through the park.

"Don't worry. I doubt that she'll want to make an issue about it.

After all, she was shagging that guy in a public park," Rei said, patting Shinji on the back.

"Well, at least I got a good look at her boobs when she poked her head out the window," Shinji said, smiling at the memory.

Rei shook her head. "You guys are just a walking bunch of hormones, aren't ya?" she asked.

"You're one to talk...always teasing me with your panties and then cutting me off like that," Shinji said, angrily.

"Well, you didn't have to keep telling everyone else about it!"

Rei insisted.

Shinji grinned, although it looked more like a leer. "Well, they need the info for the betting pool."

"Oh, for such a noble cause, please take a peek," Rei said, gesturing to her dress.

Shinji grinned, moved to grab the hem of Rei's dress and started to pull it up. He was quickly punched into the ground by Rei.

"Hey! You told me to do it!" Shinji insisted.

"Those hormones you guys have must really lower your IQs. I was kidding, I'm hardly going to show you my panties if you keep telling everyone," Rei said.

"Fine, I won't tell them then," Shinji promised.

Rei stopped and examined him briefly. "Trust raging hormone-boy? I don't think so," Rei said, then approached her apartment building.

"Hey! I'm an honest guy! I never once said I saw your panties when you didn't show them to me!" Shinji said, as if that was a noble thing.

Rei chuckled. Without turning around she opened her door, then said, "Asuka's wrong, by the way. It's actually pretty nice." She closed the door behind her.

Shinji looked at the door for several moments, then as his ego (among other things) expanded in size, he puffed out his chest (among other things). "Ha! Of course it is!" he said, then turned and headed for home. No question who he was going to 'meditate' with tonight.


	4. Rei Bites!

Garden of Eva 0:4 - Rei Bites!

* * *

Rei was naked. There was no doubt whatsoever about that.

Shinji, being a healthy fourteen-year-old boy, drooled over the naked body and admired every curve. He wanted to taste the sweet nectar that was Rei.

"Do you want to become one with me?" Rei asked, softly. "To become of one mind and body? It could be very...pleasant."

"Yes, I do."

"Well, all you have to do is ask."

"What if you say no?"

"What makes you think I'll say no?" Rei replied, while pulling Shinji's shorts off.

"Asuka always says no."

"I'm not Asuka," Rei claimed, while stroking Shinji's mighty oak.

"Good point," Shinji conceded, as his oak grew taller.

"Wake up, Shinji!"

"Huh?" Shinji gasped.

"Wake up you idiot!" Asuka bellowed and then shook Shinji violently. Shinji opened his eyes to see Asuka leaning over him with a scowl on her face.

"You've gotten very bossy since you retook the top Eva pilot spot from Rei," Shinji muttered, then scratched his butt. Surprised, he looked down and quickly covered his erection with his hands. "Where are my shorts?"

"You weren't wearing them. Probably jerking off again, you little pervert! Now get into the bathroom and wash up or we'll be late!" Asuka screamed and pushed Shinji into the bathroom. After she closed the door, she put Shinji's shorts into her bag and grinned.

* * *

"I really wish you'd stop waking me up every morning, Asuka,"

Shinji said, as they walked to school.

"You'd never get to school on time if I didn't," Asuka insisted.

"You just want to look at my mighty oak."

"The twig? Never."

"Rei likes it," Shinji declared, grinning.

As Asuka stopped and thought about this for a few moments, Rei came running around the corner and crashed into Shinji. They both ended up on their butts. Shinji grinned as he saw the red lace panties that Rei was wearing. Rei casually closed her legs, snapped off a quick, "Pervert!"

then ran off to school.

Shinji chuckled softly.

"Dickhead...quit treating women like a spectator sport!" Asuka screamed. She bopped Shinji on his head with her bag and headed for school.

Shinji rubbed his head, then muttered, "You're one to talk...always sneaking peeks at me every morning." He started walking towards school.

He missed seeing Asuka lopsided grin.

* * *

Before class started, Misato poked her head into the classroom and called out, "Shinji, can I please see you in the hallway?"

Shinji gulped, then slowly made his way to the hallway. Rei held back a huge laugh that was threatening to erupt from her mouth.

"Damn. Misato never calls me out for a private scolding..." a boy muttered.

"Yeah, I wonder if Sensei will give him a good tongue lashing?" the boy next to him asked.

"Naw...Shinji's not that lucky."

Rei overheard this conversation and let out a soft chuckle.

Misato walked Shinji down the hallway and out of earshot of the classroom. "Shinji, about last night..." Misato began.

"I won't say anything about you fucking that guy in the park last night!" Shinji blurted, then bowed deeply. "Please don't move me to a different class!"

Misato looked around to make sure no one was around to hear Shinji's outburst and grinned. "Relax, Shinji...and don't say things like that in school. I just wanted to make sure you don't tell anyone.

Mr. Kaji is a very important person and it would be better if it didn't become known he was dating me."

"My lips are sealed."

"Good. By they way...cute butt. If only..." Misato tailed off and sighed.

Shinji was blushing and smiling broadly when he returned to his seat.

Touji leaned over and whisper to Shinji, "What happened?"

"She just wanted to tell me that I have a cute butt."

"Yeah, right. In your dreams!" Touji remarked.

"All right everyone! Shut up, bow to the teacher, and sit down!"

Hikari called out. All the students complied, they knew better than to risk the wrath of Mistress Hikari.

Misato slowly, as if in pain, sat down at the desk. "Thank you, Hikari. Um...let's start by everyone reading chapter five in their textbooks. I'll just take a nap here," Misato said, then laid her head down on the desk. In the process, she gave everyone in the class a nice view of her cleavage.

Jaws dropped around the room in a sequence that sounded a bit like the musical score of 'Fly Me to the Moon'.

Rei and Shinji exchanged knowing glances.

* * *

"So what color today, Shinji?" Touji asked after school.

"Um, I don't know," Shinji replied, a little unconvincingly.

"Come on! Asuka said Rei flashed you this morning!" Touji insisted.

By his side, Kensuke nodded his agreement.

"Yeah...but...I didn't see anything," Shinji insisted.

Irritated, Touji grunted. "Damn, the pool has gotten so boring with only Misato in it."

"We could always start betting on Hikari's panties," Kensuke suggested.

"Hey! That's my babe you're taking about! Her panties are no one's business but mine!" Touji said.

A bag wielded by the aforementioned 'babe' smashed him on the head.

Touji crumpled to the ground. "They aren't your business either, Mr.

Suzahara!" Hikari said, looking down at the prone Touji.

"Yellow," was all Touji said. His face, stomach, and groin all received fresh footprints for his astute observation.

After scraping Touji off the sidewalk, the gang watched Misato's car scream out of the parking lot.

"Wow, she's in a big hurry," Kensuke remarked.

"Probably going to see her boyfriend," Rei remarked.

Kensuke's face fell to the ground. "Boy..."

Touji's face joined Kensuke's. "...friend."

"Yup, and it's not a student. A big hunky guy," Rei said.

Shinji pulled Rei aside, then whispered to her, "I don't think Misato want's us talking about him."

Without whispering, Rei said, "I'm not going to name him, just describe him in intimate detail." She winked, then softly asked, "How long do you think it was?"

"I don't know! I don't look at stuff like that!" Shinji insisted.

He wanted to avoid talking about last night. Being caught with his pants down, literally, by Misato was bad enough, but for the guys to find out would be disaster.

Rei, Asuka, and Hikari walked ahead of the guys and discussed Misato's boyfriend.

"Damn, Rei got lucky and saw Misato naked...and getting laid by someone too! It's not fair," Touji complained.

Shinji bit back a smile, then said, "Yeah, it's not fair."

Although he had gotten a great look at his teacher, he wasn't about to tell the guys for fear that his little show for Rei would slip out.

"Well, the idea that Misato would date one of her students is so far-fetched," Kensuke remarked.

"What about all those stories of guys last year?" Touji asked.

"School myths...without scientific proof that Misato will screw anything with a dick, we cannot assume that any of those stories are true," Kensuke said, explaining his 'Great Misato Theory'.

"Shot you down, did she?" Shinji asked, grinning.

"Yes...err...no...I never..." Kensuke stammered, losing his usual calm manner and blushing.

Touji clapped his hand on Kensuke's back and smiled. "Don't worry we all know the feeling of wanting to taste Misato's sweet melons, and other assorted nectar." He grinned.

His grin was quickly replaced by Hikari's book bag. "Pervert!"

Shinji and Kensuke helped Touji back to his feet. "More bowing and scraping coming up!" Kensuke declared, as Touji returned the bag to Hikari and started groveling. "Hmmmm, groveling position number five, plus a little more bowing than normal. Interesting," he commented. He opened his laptop and made some quick notes.

* * *

Rei, Asuka, and Shinji walked home after the others had turned down their respective streets.

Seeing something ahead, Shinji stopped suddenly and frowned.

"Um...let's go a different way."

Asuka and Rei looked at him quizzically. "Why? Hoping Misato's in the park again?" Rei asked. Shinji didn't reply.

Asuka looked down the street they were on and pointed to a man in front of a vending machine. "Isn't that your father, Shinji?" she asked.

"Um, no of course not...let's just go through the park. Is it to much to ask that I want to stroll in the park with the two prettiest girls in school?" Shinji asked, then headed too the park.

Asuka and Rei looked skeptically at each other; sure that Shinji was avoiding something. "Well, his father works for some big organization called NERV, so I doubt he'd be fixing that vending machine," Asuka informed Rei.

"Either that or he's looking to have a menage a trois with us," Rei suggested, as they started to follow Shinji into the park.

"Yeah, right! He'd have trouble satisfying anyone with that toothpick of his," Asuka insisted.

"You don't say?" Rei said, flatly. Rei wondered if Asuka was joking or had never seen it. Nothing wrong with it as far as I could tell. Although...that Mr. Kaji was pretty impressive. "What are you grinning about?" Asuka asked.

"Nothing, but I'm curious why you seem to be so hung up on the size of Shinji's penis. Hmmm?"

"I'm not!"

"Well, if Shinji would be interested in a menage a trois, would you?" Rei asked casually.

"Ha...ha...very funny," Asuka chuckled.

Rei chuckled softly back.

"Shinji is all talk and no action. I doubt he's even jerked off, let alone kissed a girl," Asuka declared.

"You haven't kissed him?" Rei asked.

"That little oberarshe? I tried a few months ago, you know...just for laughs, but he passed out before our lips touched," Asuka said, not mentioning that he probably passed out because she held his nose closed.

"But he does have a cute butt," Rei mentioned, looking ahead at Shinji.

"Well, sure..." Asuka reluctantly agreed.

* * *

"I'm home, Mom!" Shinji called out as he came in the door.

"Welcome home, Shinji!" a voice replied from the kitchen.

"What's for dinn..." Shinji trailed off when he saw Misato standing naked in his kitchen. "Err... Misato?"

"Shinji, that's no way to address your mother," Misato said, rubbing some ice on her bare chest.

"Oh, this has to be a dream," Shinji muttered.

"Are you okay, Shinji?" Misato asked, slowly eating a banana.

Shinji lowered his head, shook it, and then looked up again. His real mother was standing in front of him, fully clothed and without a banana. "I'm fine...just a long day I guess," he informed his mother, but thought something quite different. I don't know if I'll ever get that image of Misato out of my head...not that I want too. "Well, grab what you want from the fridge. Your father is working late and I've got my meeting tonight," Yui said.

"Yeah, I saw him..." Shinji sighed.

"Take care, Shinji," Yui said. She kissed Shinji on his cheek, grabbed her bag from the counter, and left the apartment.

Shinji looked in the fridge. He ignored the now moldy pork buns.

Instead, he grabbed a can of soda and some kind of green gelatin. "Green Soy, my favorite," he mumbled, and scooped some of the green stuff into his mouth with his fingers.

* * *

Shinji woke up in the bath and screamed loudly. Shinji immediately checked for the presence of his manhood and sighed in relief when he confirmed it was still attached. He thought about confirming that it was still functioning, but then decided his skin was wrinkly enough so he finished his bath and dried off. "Damn, what a disgusting dream."

Since he was home alone, he just walked into his bedroom without bothering to cover up. He gasped when he saw Rei sitting patiently on his bed. "Rei? How'd you get in here?"

"Oh, a girl has her ways," Rei said, as a large smile grew on her face. "I really don't understand why Asuka insists on calling it a twig."

"Huh?" Shinji asked. Rei nodded downwards. Shinji looked down and finally remembered he was completely naked. "Arghhhh," he screamed then ran out of the room. He returned a few moments later with a robe on.

"Damn, no need to cover up for me, Shinji," Rei said, genuinely sad.

"Um...why are you here, Rei?" Shinji asked.

"Just leaving a present under your pillow," Rei said. She stood up, walked over to Shinji and kissed him briefly on his lips. "Thanks for not talking about my panties today." Then she left the room, leaving a dazed Shinji behind her.

"Huh?" Shinji eventually gasped. He looked out into the hallway, but Rei was gone. Shinji scratched his head, then walked over to his bed and moved his pillow. He gasped as he saw the same red lace panties that Rei was wearing that morning. He picked them up and looked at the lipstick mark on them. "Rei's lips..." he muttered, then kissed the panties.

Shinji smiled, tossed his robe off and lay down on his bed. "Yup, she loves me," he said, then smelled the panties. "The sweet scent of my beloved."

"Glad you like them."

Shinji gasped, then covered his erection with the panties. "Rei!"

Rei smiled. She advanced on the trembling Shinji and put her hand on Shinji's chest.

"Um, maybe I should put something on?" Shinji stuttered.

"Now why would you want to do that?" Rei replied. Rei winked and ran her hand over Shinji's naked chest.

Shinji couldn't think of any reasons. Of course, he didn't really try that hard. A crooked smile, also known as a leer, crossed his face.

"Now, Shinji," Rei said, tracing little circles around Shinji's nipples. "Do you understand why it's best not to tell your hormone-driven friends about certain things?"

Shinji gulped. "Yes, it has sunk in. My lips are sealed."

Rei smirked. "Oh...well you'll need to open them eventually," Rei said. She slipped over Shinji's body and sat down on top of his hips.

It was at that point that Shinji realized that she had given him the only pair of panties she had with her. It was...a very warm and pleasurable sensation. Shinji grinned broadly.

Rei smiled at Shinji's reaction, leaned down, and gave him a passionate kiss. After her tongue had traced the inner surface of his mouth, Rei slid down his body taking little bites of his soft skin.

"Yummy. Asuka doesn't know what she's missing," she muttered.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked, momentarily shaken from his pleasurable stupor.

Rei briefly looked up from her progression down his body. "She likes you, but for some reason won't act on her feelings," she explained, then started to kiss and nibble her way downward again.

I had no idea. If she really does, then she hides it well, Shinji thought quickly, but soon forgot about everything except the feeling of what Rei was doing to him.

Just before Rei reached her target, a voice called out, "Shinji!

I'm home!"

"Shit! It's my mother!" Shinji gasped.

Rei slid off Shinji's legs and cursed, "Damn...and here you were standing so proud and tall for me too." She smiled, then calmly walked over to the window.

Shinji got up and pulled his robe on. He looked over at the window just as Rei was crawling out it, giving Shinji quite a view. "Her hair color is natural, apparently," Shinji muttered. He sat down at his desk and opened a textbook. He quickly turned it right side up just before his mother poked her head in his door.

"Shinji?" Yui said. "Ah, I'm glad you didn't forget your homework.

I was afraid you'd be screwing around instead."

Shinji looked innocently up from the textbook and said, "No, nothing much to do around here by myself."


	5. Shinji Bites Back!

Garden of Eva 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!

* * *

Yui heard the soft tones of Shinji's cello from down the hall. She felt the rhythm of the music flow through her bones. "Shinji is quite talented, isn't he?"

"Yes, dear," Gendou replied.

"We really should encourage him to join the school band," Yui commented.

"Yes, dear."

"Aren't you done yet?"

"Almost, dear," Gendou said, as he rocked back and forth on top of his wife.

* * *

Shinji was happy. He always felt good when he played his cello. Of course, right now he was playing it to cover the sounds coming from his parent's bedroom. He shuddered at the thought of what his parents were doing. Then he thought that he and Rei might have done the same thing had his mother not come home Friday evening when she did. He still had Rei's panties and the memory of Rei crawling out his window. Shinji had always wondered if Rei's blue hair was natural, it was.

I wonder if Asuka's red hair is real. Probably, she's been a redhead since we were kids, Shinji thought, then decided he'd have to check for sure. I wonder if Asuka really likes me like that? She's never seemed to want to be my girlfriend. He wasn't the fastest to catch on, but he was still happy. "I wonder if they both really like me?" he muttered and then another thought struck him. Could Rei just be teasing me like she was with her panties? As he practiced, he pondered his suddenly complicated love life. Well, it's not like he had any love life before, but now suddenly he seemed to have two girls after him. One openly and one who may like him, but has never shown any particular desire to be his girlfriend. Hey! Asuka even turned me down that one time I asked her for a date... Rei must be wrong. Although, Asuka does seem to like sneaking peaks at my penis... hmm... . After another half-hour of practice and internal contemplation, Shinji lay down on his bed. He was still unable to figure out if Asuka was really interested in him and why Rei was so forward. Shinji must have dozed off, because he was awakened by his mother's voice.

"Shinji! There's a cute girl here to see you!" Yui's voice called from outside his bedroom.

"I'll be right out!" Shinji responded. Must be Rei, He thought, a smile growing on his face. He got up and walked out to the front entrance. He stopped short as he saw the older woman with short blond hair in the entryway. "Um... hello," he hesitantly said. The scowl on the woman's face made him a little wary of her. Cute girl? This middle age woman?

"Hello, Shinji. I'm Ritsuko, Rei's sister," the tall woman said.

"Oh... sister? I'd have thought you were her mother," Shinji said, getting a huge taste of his foot in the process.

"I'M HER SISTER, DAMMIT!" she declared, as if she had to make this correction often. After several seconds of glaring at Shinji, she got to the point of her visit. "Anyway... this will just take a second. I want to ask what your intentions are towards my sister?" she said, cross-examining the terrified Shinji.

Awkwardly, Shinji looked around to make sure his mother wasn't around to overhear this conversation. She wasn't. "Um... well, she's a good friend."

"Just a friend?" Ritsuko continued her third degree.

"Well, I like her a lot and I think she may like me too."

"Hmmmm. What are you planning on doing when you grow up?" Ritsuko asked.

"Huh? Well, I'm only fourteen... I haven't really thought that far ahead."

"Well, how do you expect to support my sister and your family then?"

Shinji recoiled in shock. "Ack! I just met her a few weeks ago! She only kissed me once!" Shinji insisted. No way am I going to mention what she kissed after my lips.

"Just don't play with her heart. Hurt her and I will chase you to the ends of the Earth!" Ritsuko declared, glaring at Shinji.

"I won't!" Shinji exclaimed, terrified.

"Good," Ritsuko said, then left the apartment. That ought to keep the little creep from hurting Rei.

Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead. "What was that all about?

Kind of overprotective..." He went to change his underwear. Damn, she's one scary old woman.

* * *

"Where's dad?" Shinji asked, as he munched on his lunch.

"He and Professor Fuyutsuki had some emergency at work," Yui replied.

Shinji smirked when he heard the grandiose title for his father's boss. "Don't tell me... a clogged coffee dispenser?"

"Shinji, don't make fun of your father's work. He works hard to support the family."

"Don't you make more?" Shinji mentioned.

"That's not important. Your father may repair vending machines, but he works hard to put food on the table. Why, he even brought home all that Green Soy the other day for us. I know you love it."

"Yeah, but it's just so embarrassing. If my friends ever found out that NERV stood for 'New Earth Resources Vending' I'd be the laughing stock of the school," Shinji said. He soaked a rice ball in some Green Soy and scarfed it down.

"I doubt any of them would care. You really do worry too much about what other people think about you," Yui suggested.

"I'm not one of your patients, Mom!"

"If your friends like you, they won't care what your father does.

Don't worry."

"I guess. I just don't want anyone to hate me."

"Who could hate my darling little Shinji?" Yui asked, then pulled Shinji into a big bear hug.

"Mom! Cut it out!"

* * *

Shinji walked up to the apartment building that he had seen Rei go into a few nights before. He looked at all the names on the mailboxes.

"Damn, I was sure this was where she lived, but there's no Ayanami,"

Shinji muttered. He sighed, then turned and started to walk away.

"Shinji?" a voice called from behind him.

Shinji turned around and saw Rei standing in the entrance to the building. She was wearing a cute little sundress that ended just above her knees. "Oh, Rei... I was looking for you, but there's no Ayanami listed," Shinji said, looking a little nervous.

Rei smiled. "Oh, that's because I'm adopted. My adoptive mom's last name is Akagi."

"Oh, so Ritsuko is your step-sister then?"

"Damn! Did she come over and threaten you?" Rei asked, growing angry.

"Um... yeah."

"Don't worry, she's just overprotective. She's done that to other boys when we lived down in Osaka-2. I think it's because she's had some bad relationships and is worried that I'll end up with a guy like the ones she has," Rei commented. "She even had an affair with some old goat that ended badly."

"Oh. Well..." Shinji trailed off.

"So, why did you come by today?" Rei asked.

Looking nervously at the ground, Shinji asked, "Well, I was wondering if you might want to do something today?"

Rei smiled. "No need to be shy, Shinji. You're not like this at school." I wonder if his bravado in school is all talk? "I wasn't sure if you liked me..."

Rei gapped at Shinji, then smiled. Not the fastest to catch on, apparently. "I'd love to do something with you today, Shinji!" Rei hugged Shinji, then gave him a short kiss. "So what do you want to do?"

"Um, I don't know. Movie?" Shinji suggested.

"A little dull, but it's a start," Rei said, then took Shinji's hand and dragged him away. "Shinji, just for future reference... any girl who gives you her panties and then a kiss like I did, does like you."

Shinji blushed, then made a mental note about that.

As they walked, Shinji awkwardly asked, "So you're adopted, huh?"

"Yeah, my father died in Second Impact and my mother died when I was three. No big deal," Rei said flatly, then begged him internally, Please get off the subject Shinji...

"That's too bad."

"Well, it's not like I ever really knew them, so it's not important," Rei insisted, but avoided eye contact with Shinji for most of this conversation. Why does he want to talk about this stuff? "Why do you keep using your real parents' name then?" Shinji asked.

Rei stopped short. "Err... .sorry, didn't mean to pry."

"That's okay. I don't know why. I guess I never really thought about it," Rei said. She considered the reasons behind her using her real name until she scolded herself, Stop worrying about the past, Rei!

I have a new future here in Tokyo-3, away from Hasamoto and away from the pain.

* * *

Third Impact. Bodies flew everywhere. Charred bodies, burning bodies, pieces of bodies... you get the idea. The Earth was wrapped in a conflagration that it would take centuries to recover from, if it ever would. The evil pervert had done it. He had destroyed everything. All because he lost his favorite pair of panties. The 'Global Happo Fire Burst' had reached every corner of the globe.

Two people walked between the rubble that had been Nerima. They looked sadly at what had been their home.

"So, now what?"

"We repopulate the world."

"How?"

"Baka! We have children!"

"Yeah, like I'd do that with a un-cute tomboy like you!"

And Akane malleted Ranma for the last time. She wandered the Earth in hope of finding another man. Unfortunately, it turned out that only women survived the blast, since the evil Happosai didn't want to hurt all the pretty ladies. Since Ranma was a girl when the blast hit, he was the only man to survive.

After wandering for nearly a year, Akane returned to Nerima and found that Ranma was busy impregnating every woman in the world.

When Akane approached the breeding center, the receptionist looked up. "Take a number, miss," Ukyo said, holding her extended belly.

"Ukyo? You're pregnant?" Akane asked, shocked.

"Yes. After you ran away, I was the first to be impregnated by my Ran-chan."

Akane shook her head in disbelief. "No... it can't be!" She ran past the reception desk into the inner sanctum. She saw Ranma in front and called out. "Ranma, I love you!"

"Who has time for love now?" Ranma replied as he shagged Shampoo.

"Kasumi, you're next and then it's my turn," Nabiki called out, referring to her clipboard.

"When's my next break?" Ranma asked, as he finished with Shampoo.

"After you please me."

"This isn't for fun! I'm doing my duty to repopulate this world!"

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Nabiki dryly commented.

"Well..."

"Ranma no baka!"

Rei looked up at the screen. As the credits began to roll, she said, "Kind of a sad ending."

"Yeah, I like the Shin Seiki Ranma TV series better," Shinji said, getting up. A ton of popcorn fell from his lap. "Less global destruction and all..."

"Well, Ranma is going to be very tired for the next few decades...

if he lives that long," Rei said, walking out of the movie theater with Shinji. I wonder what it's like to give birth? They shielded their eyes from the bright glare of the sun. Rei looked at Shinji and giggled. She dug out a hankie and gave it to Shinji.

"What's this for?" Shinji asked, taking the hankie.

"For the lipstick and popcorn kernels you have on your face."

Shinji blushed, then wiped his face off. "What do you want to do now?"

"Are your parents at home?" Rei asked and winked.

Shinji gulped. "Err..yeah. My mother, at least."

"Damn! And my sister almost never goes out. She is such a loser!"

"We could go to the park," Shinji suggested.

"Sure."

* * *

Shinji and Rei strolled through the park. Shinji looked down and slowly took Rei's outstretched hand in his.

Rei smiled. He's a bit shy when he's alone with me, but that won't last long.

"So, why did your family move up to Tokyo-3?" Shinji asked as they neared the park's lake.

Rei gave her standard answer to that question. "Well, my mom got a new job programming the computers for the government. Since they are moving the capitol here, they needed the best." Rei kind of looked away and thought about the real reason. It wasn't like I was in love with Hasamoto, but the bastard didn't have to do that to me. It's just not fair that I have to get the same kind of jerks my sister attracts. "Really? That's kind of cool. I've never really been that good with computers and mechanical things."

"That surprises me, you're a great Eva pilot!"

"Hmmm, well it just seems to come naturally," Shinji said, embarrassed by the praise. Then a thought struck him. "Hey want to go to the Eva center?"

"Nawww, I like playing with the whole gang better."

"Okay, hey... want to take a boat out onto the lake?" Shinji asked, looking at several boats float by on the water. Touji said that's where he finally got to touch Hikari's breasts... maybe... Rei looked at the lake and noticed that there were only a couple other boats out on the large lake. She grinned, then said, "Hmmmm, yeah, that would be nice."

"Great."

After renting a boat, Shinji rowed it slowly across the lake.

"Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes, Rei?"

"Why are you so shy?"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are. At school or with the gang you're much more expressive," Rei mentioned, placing her hand on Shinji's knee.

"Well... I don't know. It's different when I'm alone with you."

"Why?" Rei asked, sliding her hand up Shinji's leg.

"I don't know, maybe because you're more forward when we're alone?"

Shinji suggested.

Rei grinned. "Well, it's not really proper for me to be like this in front of other people."

Shinji gulped and looked around nervously. "I guess that's true."

Rei carefully moved to sit next to Shinji and leaned up toward his face. Shinji took the invitation and gave her a deep kiss. Shinji was surprised when he felt Rei pull his hand up, slip it into her dress, and rest it on top of her breast. He was so surprised that he broke the kiss, but didn't bother to lower his hand from it's resting place on her breast. He was a normal fourteen-year-old boy, after all.

"Don't stop now, Shinji."

"Sorry, you just surprised me."

"You do like girls, right?"

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Of course I do!" To prove it, Shinji started to explore the breast with his fingers. In the absence of a bra, Shinji had only the dress to hinder his view of Rei's beautiful breasts.

Rei smiled at Shinji's clumsy examination of her breasts. Must be his first time. Asuka must keep him at arms length. How does she think she's ever going to land a guy if she doesn't put out? she thought. To give him a better view, she undid the first couple of buttons on her dress.

Shinji grinned at the sight and returned his attention to her breasts. "Beautiful."

The sounds of small waves crashing against the boat were all that could be heard, except for a slight murmuring.

"Hey, Shinji?" Rei asked after several minutes.

"Yes?" he asked, his hands still in contemplation.

"Care for another pair of panties for your collection?" Rei asked, winking.

Shinji gulped. "Sure."

Rei quickly re-buttoned her dress. She glanced around and then raised the hem of her dress.

Shinji gulped, but took the invitation. He slid under the dress and slowly reached for the panties

Rei let the dress fall and cover Shinji. She felt his trembling hands pull on her panties. She rose on her palms to allow him to slip them off. She shivered with excitement as she felt him pull them off.

Her excitement turned into surprise when she heard a voice call out behind her.

"Rei? Are you okay out there?"

Rei looked over her shoulder and saw Asuka, Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke all standing on the nearby shore. Apparently, the boat had drifted closer to shore while she was 'distracted'. Rei pushed down on Shinji's back to make sure he was out of view. She gasped in surprise as his face was pushed into her lap, cutting off his breathing. Under different circumstances, both of them would probably have enjoyed this, but not with an audience. Trying to remain calm, she started to say, "Yeah, Asuka. Just getting some..."

Her reply was cut off as Shinji desperately thrashed away from Rei's lap in an attempt to breathe, and the boat tipped over sending them both into the cold lake.

After frantically swimming to the surface, Rei looked around. She saw the overturned boat, but no sign of Shinji.

"Rei! Hang on!" Kensuke screamed and started to take off his shoes.

Rei looked back at the gang, then called out, "I'm fine! Don't bother getting wet!" They didn't seem to see Shinji, but I can't let him drown, she thought. "Ummm... just a second!" She dove under the water and tried to spot any sign of Shinji. She was relieved to see his legs under the capsized boat. She surfaced into the air pocket under the boat. "Shinji, I'm glad you're okay."

"Did they see me?"

"I don't think so. I'd be best for them not to know about what we were doing. Stay under here, I'll get them out of the area," Rei instructed, then dove under the water again.

When she surfaced again, Hikari called out, "Why did you go under again?"

"Lost a shoe!" Rei claimed, then swam to shore.

Kensuke helped her out of the lake and blushed as he clearly saw various parts of Rei's anatomy through the wet dress.

"Scheisse! Rei, cover up! We can see everything!" Asuka pleaded.

It's a good thing Shinji isn't here... he'd drop dead at seeing a real live breast, Asuka thought, but would have been very surprised to find out that Shinji was very much alive after doing more than just seeing Rei's breasts.

"Rei, you should wear underwear with a thin dress like that,"

Kensuke commented.

Touji gaped at the sight. "She's a big girl... she can dress as she wants."

Hikari bashed him with her purse and said, "Stop leering at her, pervert!"

Kensuke gallantly removed his jacket and offered it to Rei.

"Thanks."

Asuka put her arm around the shivering girl. "What were you doing out there anyway?"

"Just getting some sun," Rei replied, then casually walked away.

The gang followed.

Shinji surfaced and looked at the retreating kids. "That was too close. I wonder why she's so afraid for the gang to know we were together. Well, probably just because of what we were doing," Shinji muttered as he swam to shore.

As he walked home, he remembered Rei's panties were still in his pocket. He pulled them out and smiled.

* * *

Rei lay naked under Shinji. He admired her curves with his eyes and his hands. He drew closer to her.

"Oh god... you're my stallion!" Rei gasped.

Shinji felt a hand caressing his back. He looked back to see Asuka start to nibble his back and could feel her breasts against his back.

"Don't forget to save some for me, lover," Asuka purred.

Shinji was smiling broadly.

A group of naked women stood in an empty theater and examined the naked boy standing in front of them. He was just staring off into space with a broad grin on his face.

"Should we interrupt him?" Misato asked.

"No," Rei calmly insisted.

"Not much to say. At this point, his dreams and life must seem pretty nice," Asuka pointed out.

"Does he really enjoy doing that sort of thing with me?" Rei inquired.

"Apparently. Look at the erection on him!" Asuka exclaimed, looking down at Shinji's lower regions. A slight grin crossed her face.

"Fascinating," Rei said softly.

"Asuka, don't touch," Misato scolded.

Asuka dropped her hand. "I was just curious. Wait a second! Now I'm in his dream too!"

"Fascinating."

"I didn't think Shinji had it in him. There's no reason to bother him now, after the earlier boat ride and now this dream he won't want to reason with us," Misato declared.

"But he might want to try doing that with us," Rei said, her natural curiosity aroused.

"Rei!" Misato and Asuka both gasped in surprise.

Rei blushed.

Shinji kept smiling broadly in the theater, in his dream, and in his bathtub.


	6. Eva Bites Eva!

Garden of Eva 0:6 - Eva Bites Eva!

* * *

The red Eva Unit 02 bit into the neck of the purple EVA Unit 01.

Blood spurted everywhere as Asuka gorged on her hated enemy. After the Eva was rendered immobile, Asuka used her progressive knife to slice the head of the purple Eva off. Just to make sure it was dead, mind you.

"Ha! That'll teach you to grab my ass, you little bastard!" Asuka called out. She pivoted her Eva out of the way just in time to avoid being hit by an Angel that had been thrown at her by another Eva. "You jackass!"

The thrown Angel impacted against the side of a building and exploded in a gush of dark red blood.

Asuka's Eva did a roll to the side and came up holding a large rifle that had been lying on the ground. She sent a stream of bullets at the Eva that had flung the Angel at her. The Eva withstood the volley of bullets and used its jump jets to leap to the top of a building in a single bound. Its purple cape fluttered in the wind as it took up a mocking posture, revealing a fancy pattern on it's chest that looked like a large 'S'. Since her bullets weren't getting through the enemy's AT field, and actually seemed to be bouncing off, Asuka toggled her rifle to launch mortar shells and lobbed a steady stream of shells at the base of the building.

The enemy Eva couldn't respond fast enough and crashed to the ground amid the rubble of the building it had been standing on.

Asuka grinned, but her grin was cut short as an Eva came up behind her and sliced her Eva in half vertically. "Fuck. No fair!" she bellowed, as her screen showed the two halves of her Eva falling apart into a bloody mess. What was worse, she saw that the Eva that fell from the building was still intact.

Hikari was having more luck with the swarm of Angels she was hacking apart. She used her progressive sword to cut into the core of one of the attacking Angels and before it could explode, she spun around and flung the Angel at a group of Angels that were attacking Touji. The damaged Angel crashed into the group and bowled them over.

"Strike!" Hikari exclaimed. The ten Angels went up in smoke as the ball-shaped Angel exploded.

"Thanks, sugar-muffin!" Touji called over the intercom.

"No problem, slick! You owe me for that one!" Hikari called back, having her Eva Unit 05 wink at her boyfriend.

"Anything you... Hikari! Enemy at four o'clock!" Touji screamed out.

"Darn!" Hikari exclaimed, then jumped backwards and held up her two progressive swords. They impacted against the purple Eva that attacked her, but didn't cause any damage. Hikari's Eva fell to the ground.

The purple Eva grinned, then thrust its arm down and drove its progressive knife all the way through the stomach of Hikari's Eva.

Hikari kicked her attacker savagely, then pulled her Eva off the ground. Since the knife that stabbed her was still embedded in the ground, she had to pry herself off the blade. Various organs were left behind after she managed to stagger to her feet. She glanced at her damage display. "Not good," she muttered. She glanced around the battlefield; grinning as she saw three purple Eva's, including the one who had just stabbed her, in close proximity to each other. She slapped her armor release control.

The armor on her Eva fell off and revealed the naked female body underneath. The wound in her Eva's stomach could now be seen clearly and was bleeding profusely. What might have been her Eva's stomach was hanging out of the wound. She ran towards the two Evas. Then to draw the third nearer, she switched her intercom to general broadcast. "Come and get this fine piece of ass if you can, boys!" she called out.

"Hikari, what are you doing!" Touji called out and started to move his Eva towards her.

Hikari switched to the private channel again. "Just taking a few of the enemy with me."

Touji stopped in his tracks. "Now I owe you big time!" he said, just as the three Eva's surrounded Hikari's Eva.

The attacking Eva's pawed at the naked flesh. Their sexual fantasy was interrupted when Hikari's Eva self-destructed and incinerated a large portion of the battlefield.

Touji confirmed that two Eva's were destroyed in the explosion. He followed the third's trajectory through its path across the sky and chased it down. To avenge his girlfriend's death, he extended his flexible arms and caught the Eva. He proceeded to repeatedly pound the Eva against the side of a building. Finally the building collapsed and crushed the Eva under it. Touji tried to pull his arms back, but they were trapped. "God damn!" he screamed. The enemy Eva exploded and sent Touji flying backwards.

Touji tried to look down at the arms of his Eva and saw that he didn't have them anymore. "Fuck, how can I fight without arms!" he cursed. He was so busy looking at his bloody stumps that he missed seeing the Angel that cut his Eva's head off.

* * *

"Kensuke, enemy to your right," Rei calmly said.

"Got it!"

Rei twisted her Eva Unit 00 to the left and went after three purple Eva's that were surrounding a single red Eva. The Eva's red armor fell off and revealed the naked female body underneath. What are you doing, Hikari? she thought.

As she ran towards the group, she grabbed a rifle from an ammunition building and took aim. Just before she squeezed the trigger, she was blindsided by an Angel. "Damn, where the fuck did this one come from," she swore as she double-checked her tactical display. Invisible on the display, huh? Clever trick, Mom.

The Angel drooled over her Eva's arm, causing the veins to mutate into a plant like fungus and creep up towards the Eva's body.

"Shit!" Rei frantically keyed in the command to sever her arm. She then hopped backwards and raised the gun she was holding in her other arm. She fired and the Angel was blasted backwards. Rei drew her progressive knife, jumped on top of the Angel, and then took great joy in gutting it. After slicing into the Angel's gut, she located the core and drove the knife through it. The Angel's inhuman scream sent shivers down Rei's spine. I'll never forgive my mom for using my snoring for the screams in this game. Even distorted, it makes me cringe. Rei got up from the disemboweled Angel and looked to where she had seen Hikari seconds earlier. Before she could do anything else, Hikari's Eva exploded and Rei was thrown backwards by the force of the blast.

Unit 00 got back to its feet and Rei scanned for more enemies. She glimpsed Shinji in his red Unit 01 across the battlefield just before his two attackers sliced off his head. The two purple Evas started to cut into the beheaded corpse's stomach and took turns chewing on the flesh. Going after his S2 engine for the extra power. Waste of time, boys. Rei started to go after the two cannibals, but then saw Kensuke's situation.

Kensuke's Eva was bleeding from multiple stab wounds and grappling with two purple Evas. One of them aimed a long progressive sword at Kensuke's neck. Before it could slice Kensuke's head off, Rei landed a kick and knocked it out of the way.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Kensuke used his Unit 10 to bite the neck of the other attacking Eva. The Eva screamed in pain, but was silenced when Kensuke bit again and this time managed to sever the head. Kensuke grinned, but quickly checked to see how Rei was.

Rei lay under the enemy Eva and held back the sword that was aimed at her head. With only one arm, Rei couldn't get any leverage to throw her attacker off of her. Her remaining arm started to bleed as the sword cut into her flesh.

Kensuke grabbed a gun from a nearby building and fired a volley at Rei's attacker. It was hit dead on and it disintegrated into tiny pieces of flesh and metal.

"Thanks, Kensuke. Any more enemies?" Rei asked.

"Um, two more are busy eating Shinji's remains. That's all I have on the scope," Kensuke said, after checking his tactical display.

"Okay, let's avenge Shinji's death!" Rei declared. No way can anyone else eat my Shinji! she added to herself.

"Right!"

Moving in unison the two red Evas swung around to opposite sides and advanced on the two remaining purple Evas. Rei grabbed a long progressive sword off her last attacker on the way. It wasn't like he would need it anymore.

Rei calmly laid out her plan as the two battered red Evas lumbered towards the two remaining purple units. "It'll be up to you after they dismember me. Okay?" she asked after explaining her plan.

"Okay." Kensuke picked up two fresh rifles and held one in each hand. "For all my friends that have died, I shall kill you!" he screamed and let the bullets fly.

Rei smirked at his comment. Kensuke really gets into on this game.

I wonder... She let her thought trail off as she neared the enemy.

The two purple units stopped trying to reach Shinji's S2 engine and looked up at their attackers. They brought their own weapons to bear on Kensuke's Eva just as Rei jumped them from behind.

Rei quickly sliced one of the Evas in two and brought the sword back to decapitate the other, but her swing was cut short as the remaining Eva sliced off her last arm with a sweep of one of its progressive arm blades. Rei winced in pain as she saw the arm fall, followed by other parts of her Eva's anatomy before her controls went dead. What sickos! They didn't need to slice off the boobs on my Eva!

Kensuke quickly finished the last purple Eva by blasting it with his two rifles. "Ha! That's teach you to be more interested in a pair of boobs than defeating your enemy!"

Kensuke grinned as his displays went dead. He crawled out of his entry plug and smiled at the gang. "Yes! Am I good or what!"

Shinji was the first to high five him. "Nice going, Kensuke!"

He was then slapped and hugged by the rest of his teammates. When she hugged him, Rei confirmed that Kensuke did in fact get REALLY excited when he played Eva.

"Number one Eva team in Tokyo-3!" Touji exclaimed as the triumphant gang walked out of the game area.

* * *

"Okay, the purple 'Eva Maimers' lost to the red 'Dark Eva Knights', so the 'Dark Eva Knights' will represent Tokyo-3 in the all-Japan championship Eva matches!" a woman declared from the front of the briefing area. The spectators started cheering and clapping, except for the losing team of course.

Shinji and the gang congratulated themselves again.

"No fair! We want a rematch!" a small geeky boy cried out. Asuka noticed that he was the same little brat who had grabbed her ass before the game started.

"Nope! We won fair and square!" Rei replied.

Asuka proudly stood up on a chair and yelled back, "If you'd have been more interested in winning than in slicing off Rei's boobs, you might have been able to win, buttholes!"

"Bitch!"

That was all Asuka needed to set her off. She leapt at the geek and kicked him in his groin. Shinji and Touji grabbed Asuka and kept her from killing the boy. The boy was still clutching his groin in pain when his friends dragged him away

After the boys had left, Asuka smiled. "Little boys are so troublesome."

"Even with eight of them against us six we beat them!" Hikari exclaimed proudly.

"Well, the two drones they put on our team helped," Shinji inisted.

"For the first thirty seconds before they were vaporized, you mean," Touji remarked.

"Yeah."

"You guys are the greatest bunch of Eva pilots I've ever played with! The idiots I played with down in Osaka-2 were more interesting in scoring with me than playing the game," Rei said.

Shinji gulped.

"Well that last team were just a huge bunch of perverts. They must play the sex cheat version all the time," Hikari said.

"You sure used their perversion to beat them," Touji said, putting his arm around Hikari.

"Well, what do you expect from hormone driven thirteen-year-olds?"

Hikari quipped.

Everyone chuckled as they picked up their winner's packages. "This is going to be great! We get to play the best Eva pilots in Japan in the championships!" Kensuke said as they left the game center. He pulled out the small Eva trophy from his package and wiped a smudge off its shiny surface.

"Yup, but it's going to be rough. I know a couple of the other teams and they won't be distracted by a couple of virtual reality boobs," Rei mentioned.

"What about real boobs?" Touji suggested. Hikari glared at him so he quickly shut up.

"Well, the 'Maidenly Eva Dykes' might be interested," Rei remarked, grinning broadly.

Kensuke continued to look through his winner's package while they walked to the food court to pig out on junk food. The disk with the replay of the last match was in there, scoring sheets for the game, a certificate listing them as the best Tokyo team of 2015, and information on the championship matches in Osaka-2, including plane tickets and hotel reservations. This is going to be a great trip! -E- -V- -A-

After pigging out at the food court, the gang was walking home.

Hikari and Touji were actually holding hands, since Touji hadn't said anything to piss of Hikari today... yet. Kensuke and Asuka were in the middle, while Rei and Shinji brought up the rear.

"Rei. Want to come over? My mom probably isn't home," Shinji whispered to Rei.

Rei smiled and whispered back, "That'd be great. I've been hoping we could get together after the boat fiasco last week."

"Great! We can watch TV or play a game." This stopped Rei in her tracks. "What's wrong?" Shinji asked softly.

"Nothing. It'd be fun to spend some time with you alone," Rei said.

She knew that they'd just end up fooling around in his bedroom, but a part of her got excited at the prospect of doing something alone with Shinji other than sex.

"Great, we'll slip away from the gang then," Shinji replied.

"Hey, Shinji?"

Startled, Shinji looked forward. "Yes, Asuka?"

"Your parents are out tonight, right?"

"Um, yeah."

"Great! Let's all go over to your place and celebrate our win!"

"Well..." Shinji trailed off and avoided looking at Rei.

Touji and Kensuke started chanting, "PARTY! PARTY!"

"Got something better to do?" Asuka asked, although she knew the answer already. She knew that Shinji couldn't possibly have anything better to do than spend time with her and the rest of the gang. He's such a boring little boy sometimes. I wish... Her thought was cut off when Shinji answered her.

"No. I guess that'd be fine," Shinji reluctantly said. Cheers went up from everyone except Rei and Shinji. Shinji glanced back at Rei and mouthed 'sorry'.

Rei just smiled weakly and shrugged her shoulders in resignation.

There was always tomorrow.

* * *

The party had only started an hour ago and the Ikari apartment was already a mess. The gang was all kneeling, sitting, and laying around in a rough circle. Empty pizza boxes, bags of chips, soda cans, and a bra could be seen lying on the floor.

"Still can't believe you could take off your bra without removing your dress, Hikari," Touji muttered.

"You just wanted to see my breasts," Hikari said, not saying 'again' in front of the gang.

"Well, duh..."

"Fine. Come on," Hikari instructed, grabbing her previously discarded bra and pulling Touji out of the family room. The rest of the gang all whistled and made catcalls.

"I wonder if Hikari's finally going to let Touji into her panties?"

Asuka asked.

"Well, according to Touji, he's already had her several times,"

Kensuke mentioned.

"Not a chance, Hikari would have told me if she'd been deflowered.

We promised each other we'd tell each other when that happened," Asuka said.

"When did you lose yours?" Kensuke asked accidentally.

Asuka jumped to her feet and glared menacingly at Kensuke.

"Affenschwanz! I'll have you know I am as pure as the driven snow! My virginal folds have not been touched by any man!" Asuka proclaimed her purity at the top of her lungs. Kensuke was in the corner, cowering in terror.

"What about a woman?" Rei asked from behind her and then startled to chuckle.

Asuka blushed as she realized what she had just yelled out.

"That was kind of mean, Kensuke," Shinji mentioned.

"Err...it was an accident. Sometimes I forget that Asuka's a girl,"

Kensuke mumbled, blushing.

"Just one of the guys, huh?" Rei quipped, chuckling.

Kensuke was saved from being maimed by Asuka when Touji and Hikari came back into the family room. Touji was smiling broadly.

"How much did she show you?" Shinji asked Touji.

"Shinji! I'd never discuss such things in public!" Touji insisted, then sat down between Shinji and Kensuke. He quickly whispered, "Everything." He winked at them.

Shinji looked briefly at Rei, who was talking with Asuka and Hikari. Wish I could talk about Rei and me. Have to get her to tell me why she's so afraid that the gang will find out about our relationship, he thought to himself. Then he started to wonder exactly what their relationship was. Girlfriend? She seems more interested in sex, than being my girlfriend. Not that I'm complaining, but I'd like to think she likes me for more than my mighty oak.

While Shinji was trying to figure out his life and pumping up his ego (among other things), the others were trying to find a game to play.

"Spin the bottle?" Kensuke suggested, then blushed.

"No, Poker... a man's game!" Touji insisted. I'll turn it into strip poker after a few hands, he thought, chuckling to himself.

"Well, how about strip poker?" Rei offered, saving Touji the trouble of guiding the game in that direction.

"Hmmmm, That's even better," Touji remarked, as if it never occurred to him before. No one in the room was fooled.

"Mein God! Shinji wouldn't last five seconds if he saw this beautiful body!" Asuka insisted.

"I doubt you have anything that I haven't seen," Shinji shot back at Asuka.

"Those smutty magazines you have aren't as good as the real thing."

"You're right."

Asuka had no comeback to Shinji's remark. Has he seen a real naked girl? Naw... Shin-boy doesn't have it in him, she thought, trying to read his expression.

"Well, who's game?" Rei asked.

Shinji and Touji agreed right away. Asuka and Hikari huddled together. "Hikari, how are you at poker?" Asuka whispered.

"Fair. My dad taught me during one of his attempts to spend some 'quality time' with his daughters."

"Think we can get these boys buck-naked?"

"Probably, if we work together," Hikari whispered, then winked.

Asuka looked up at the gang and said, "Okay, but first one to make any vile comments loses all their clothes at once."

"That'll keep Touji quiet," Hikari commented, giggling. Everyone except Touji joined in the laughter.

"Um, I'm not sure about this," Kensuke said, looking shyly at the ground.

"Hey, Kensuke, don't worry about it! We're all friends here!" Asuka insisted.

"It's just an innocent game, Kensuke. Doesn't mean anything," Rei said softly.

Touji slapped his friend on the back. "Yeah! Be a man!"

Not wanting to be left out, Kensuke finally agreed. The gang started to set the rules for their little 'innocent' game of strip poker.

* * *

Rei was naked. Asuka was naked. Shinji was naked. Misato was naked.

Misato?

"So what is the horny little bastard doing to Rei now?" Asuka said, walking across the theater floor towards the group.

"Playing a game of strip poker with the gang," Misato informed Asuka as the girl rejoined the group.

"Really? I used to tease the boys back in Germany by playing it with them. I always won." Asuka grinned broadly. "I tried to get Kaji to play with me, but he always put me off." She frowned at the thought.

Misato quickly echoed the frown.

"It's a very complicated game," Rei mentioned, perplexed.

"Huh?"

"The goal is to keep your clothes, but Touji seems to be enjoying it every time he has to remove a piece."

Asuka chuckled. "Well, Touji is what we like to call an exhibitionist. The little pervert flashed me the first time we met."

"Flashed?"

"Pulled his pants down."

"Oh," Rei said softly, paused a second then asked, "Why?"

"Probably thought I'd get excited over seeing his dick."

"Dick?"

"Misato, you want to explain that to her?"

"Nope, you're doing so well," Misato said, smiling.

Asuka sighed. "That," she said, pointing at the item in question on Shinji's body, who was standing naked in front of her.

"Oh, the male reproductive organ. Is seeing a penis supposed to be exciting?"

"Men like to think it's god's gift to women."

"How can something on a man be a gift to women?"

"Misato?" Asuka pleaded.

"Nope. You started this conversation, you can finish it," Misato said, smirking.

"Mind you, I am a virgin myself," Asuka said, briefly glancing at Misato before continuing, "but when a man and a woman want to have a baby they get together and..."

"Oh, sexual reproduction. I know all about that."

"WHAT! Have you and Shinji..." Asuka let her question trail off not really wanting to know if they did.

"No."

"How do you know about it then?" Asuka asked, hoping that it didn't involve Shinji's dad. That would be very... disturbing.

"I've read all about it. It sounds like a... pleasurable experience."

"Oh, it is," Misato murmured, lost in a memory. She didn't notice Asuka's glare.

"So why doesn't Shinji do it with us?"

That's the second time she's expressed interest in that, why? Asuka thought, then said, "Well, usually you do it with someone you love."

"What is love?"

Asuka and Misato shook their heads sadly. This was going to take a while, but it wasn't like they had anything better to do. Third Impact had effectively put an end to the concept of time.

* * *

After several hands of poker, Shinji and Touji had lost their socks and shirt. Rei was down to her skirt, bra and panties. Hikari was just missing her socks. Asuka was down to her bra and panties.

"I don't think I like this game anymore," Asuka said, arms crossed across her chest.

"You're just saying that because you're losing," Touji said, looking at the crappy cards he had in his hand.

"You and Shinji are down to two pieces, just like I am!" Asuka insisted.

"Yes, but after the next piece we get to see those perky boobs of yours," Touji said, smirking.

"Vile comment!"

Hikari shook her head sadly, she knew from the beginning that he would eventually say something vile. It was only a matter of when.

"She's right, that was vile."

"Damn, didn't sound vile to me."

"It was, Touji. You know the rules," Rei said.

Hikari looked over at Rei. Does she want to see my guy naked? Touji jumped to his feet whipped off his pants and underwear. He started strutting around and making he-man poses. Everyone looked away in various stages of embarrassment and disgust.

Hikari put her head into her hands. "You don't have to be so happy about it," she mumbled. It's not like he hasn't flashed everyone here at one time or another. Although Rei has never seen it, she thought, then glanced at Rei, who was just looking around casually. Good, she's not interested in my guy at least. Maybe I should fix her up with someone? She looked a little lonely when we saw her alone in the park last week.

* * *

Back in the theater, Asuka was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands and sobbing gently.

"So when two people love each other they fuck each other?" Rei asked, trying to clarify what Asuka had told her.

"That's one way to put it. Although you don't have to be in love to have sex."

"So what purpose does love serve then?"

"Misato, you're the so-called ADULT here, why don't you explain this to Rei?!" Asuka pleaded.

"But, Asuka, you're doing such a good job," Misato said, smiling broadly.

A thought struck Asuka and she grinned triumphantly. "I don't know, Rei, I've never really been in love."

"Oh. How about you, Misato?" Rei turned to the older woman.

Misato's smile diminished. Nice move, Asuka. "Well, Rei. Love and sex are different things, but when combined they allow two people to get closer."

"I see. So to get closer to Shinji, I should have sex with him."

Asuka and Misato grimaced. "Well, usually it's better to get to know a person first and find out your feelings before you have sex with them," Misato explained.

"And then have sex?"

"Yes, if you feel you love the person," Misato said, hopping the conversation would end soon.

"I see," Rei said, looking downward. She thought for a few seconds, then looked up at the other women. "So, when Shinji touched my breast and got all flustered it was because he didn't love me?"

"In his perfect world? He didn't get that flustered, he seemed to enjoy it," Asuka mentioned. The little pervert. "No, in our old world."

"He touched your breast! That pervert!" Asuka bellowed and whacked Shinji on the back of his head, who was still standing naked in front of her.

"Ouch!" What did you do that for?" Shinji asked, coming out of his trance and rubbing his head.

"For molesting Rei!"

"Huh? She's the one who put my hand on her breast when we took the boat ride," Shinji explained, confused. "And it's not like I can do anything during the poker game."

"Not in your stupid fantasy world... in our old world!"

"Wha... oh, that was just an accident," Shinji explained, then blushed at the memory.

Rei interrupted. "It was. He was delivering my new ID badge and stumbled onto me after seeing me come out of the shower naked."

"That sounds like Shinji."

"Hey!" Shinji snapped.

"Okay, go back to your little game, Shin-boy," Asuka said, dismissing him.

Shinji glared at Asuka, but then turned away from her and stared off into space, returning to his contemplation of his so-called perfect world.

"Come to think of it... the touch of his hand on my breast was...

pleasurable," Rei said, recalling the memory from her second body. "Very pleasurable."

"Rei, you really have to get out more. You know... get a boyfriend and loosen up," Asuka commented, forgetting about Third Impact for a moment. Being able to forget about it, even briefly, gave her a brief moment of happiness.

Unfortunately, Rei brought her back to the reality of their situation. "I believe Third Impact has removed the chance of me meeting anyone new," she said softly. She cursed Gendou Ikari for making her his puppet, but what choice did she have?

Asuka and Misato frowned. "Good point."

* * *

Asuka was covering her breasts and lap with her arms. The last two hands had gone badly for her. Very badly. "How am I going to get out of here naked!" she cried.

Kensuke, still fully clothed, just sat and avoided looking in Asuka's direction. He had already seen everything when Asuka had removed her bra and panties anyway, but the gentleman in him insisted on looking away now. Occasionally, when the fourteen-year-old boy in him took over, he would glance at her.

Hikari was sitting in her skirt, bra, and panties.

Rei was down to her bra and panties. Not bad, if she ever decides to pursue Shinji, she'll give me a run for my money, she thought, appraising her competition.

Shinji was sitting across from Asuka and couldn't pull his eyes from her naked body. Not that he tried, mind you. She's a natural redhead after all, was all his mind was able to consciously think. His unconscious mind was busy sending hormones to various parts of his body.

"If Shinji is done leering at me, can I get dressed?" Asuka asked, blushing with embarrassment.

"I'm not leering at you!" Shinji insisted, but didn't bother to look away.

Damn, maybe I shouldn't have suggested this game. He's looking a little too much at her. I'll have to get him alone soon, Rei thought, appraising Shinji's reaction. Although, I can't blame him. She's got a beautiful body.

"Okay, that's enough guys. You've seen it all. Let's let her get dressed now," Hikari said, trying to help her best friend out.

"Well, she has to win a hand to get them back, doesn't she?" Touji inquired. "I mean that's what I've been trying to do for the last nine hands." He neglected to mention that he was discarding his good cards so he could let the girls enjoy him in all his mighty majesty for as long as possible.

Hikari looked at her naked friend. "Sorry, Asuka, that is what we agreed to at the beginning," she said, slipping in front of Asuka to help hide her.

"Okay, fine. Deal!" Asuka snapped.

The cards were dealt. Asuka smiled as she saw the three kings in her hand. She discarded the other two cards.

Rei saw Asuka's reaction. Not much of a poker face. Well, that's why she's naked now. She appraised the other players and suspected that Touji wouldn't be winning back any clothes in this hand. She looked at her cards. A king and a pair of tens were her best cards. She discarded the other two.

The others all discarded two or three cards each, while Touji discarded all five of his. Then the moment of truth came. Rei got another ten, making three of a kind. She smiled.

Asuka got a three and a five. No help.

Touji got a pair of twos and actually smiled in triumph.

The cards were laid down. Shinji had queen high and lost. He slipped out of his pants, leaving him with just his shorts. Kensuke won with a straight.

"Damn, can we please deal again?" Asuka pleaded, holding her arms across her breasts.

"Ok, how about one more hand? The loser has to remove all his or her clothes and kiss the winner," Rei suggested.

"What about the two who are already naked?" Kensuke asked, taking another look at Asuka.

"How about this... we all write down an action on a piece of paper and the loser has to pick one and do it," Hikari suggested.

"Seems fair."

"But they have to get naked first, no matter what," Touji insisted.

Everyone agreed, some more reluctantly than others. The actions were written up and placed in a bowl. The cards were dealt.

Touji lost and Rei won. Touji reached over and picked an action.

"Walk home naked," he read. "Shit. I'll get arrested."

"Not if you're careful. Have a nice night, Honey," Hikari said, chuckling.

"You wrote this one, Hikari?" Touji asked. Hikari just smiled.

"I wonder if he'll make it home without getting arrested?" Kensuke wondered, watching Touji make his way to the front door.

"Well, I guess that's it. My parents will be home soon, we'd better wrap this up."

"One more hand," Rei insisted.

"Okay, one more. Are you okay, Asuka?" Shinji asked.

"Yes, just freakin' dandy. I've always wanted to sit around naked with my friends," Asuka said, sarcastically. "Just deal."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," Shinji commented, taking a lingering look at Asuka.

"You're spending WAY too much time with Touji, Shinji," Hikari commented.

Shinji just grunted and dealt the cards. Rei's face didn't betray the awful hand she was dealt. Asuka's eyes lit up at the two aces and two queens she received. The others had varied hands, but Rei couldn't quite read their expressions. Rei discarded her three lowest cards and ended up with a pair of jacks. Shinji and Kensuke both ended up with two pairs, Hikari had three nines, and Asuka pulled another queen, making a full house.

Asuka was very happy when she saw that she won and looked around for her clothes.

"Shit," Rei muttered as she realized that she lost. She reached behind her back, undid her bra, and let it fall off her chest. Then she slipped her panties off.

Kensuke now had to divide his attention between not looking at Asuka and not looking at Rei.

Shinji quickly turned over onto his stomach to avoid something from peeking out of his shorts.

"Okay, Wondergirl, pick an action so we can all get dressed."

"Okay," Rei said, then reached into the bowl. "Kiss the winner."

She glanced over at Asuka.

"Err, maybe you should pick another one," Asuka said, sliding back a bit from Rei.

"Rules are rules," Rei calmly said, then slid next to Asuka.

"Really, Rei, you don't have to," Asuka said, waving her hands in front of her.

"Are you scared?" Rei said and started to slide away.

Asuka fumed. Scared? Her? Never! It was just a girl. Wouldn't count as her first kiss. Right? "You asked for it!" she screamed and slid over to Rei. She'll chicken out before I will.

Kensuke and Shinji just looked on amazed as Asuka neared Rei, who had stopped backing away.

"Asuka! You don't have too!" Hikari insisted, knowing that her friend was just too headstrong for her own good.

"Never let it be said that Asuka Langley Sohryu backs down from anything!" Asuka declared, moving closer to Rei, who just remained in position. Asuka knew that Rei would chicken out before their lips touched, so she kept slowly advancing on Rei.

The anticipation of the kiss made Shinji and Kensuke very, shall we say, aroused?

Rei finally just shrugged and leaned over and gave Asuka a short kiss on the lips. Not a peck, but not an extended kiss either. Kensuke suddenly developed a nosebleed. Shinji gasped in astonishment and realized that he'd have to clean the floor mat he was laying on.

After Rei drew back from Asuka, she calmly stood up and slowly started to redress. Everyone else was speechless.

After what seemed like an eternity, Asuka jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Tears could be seen dripping from her eyes. Hikari grabbed her and Asuka's clothes and ran after the naked girl. She looked around briefly and glanced at Rei, who was still calmly dressing.

"Um, I'll see you in school," Kensuke mumbled. He got up and made his way quickly to the door.

"Rei? I'm not sure you should have done that," Shinji said.

Rei pulled her dress on and looked over at Shinji, who still hadn't moved from his position on the floor. "Why? It was all part of the game."

"Well, I don't think Asuka likes women in that way."

"Neither do I, I was just curious. I enjoying kissing you more,"

Rei said, then leaned over and gave Shinji a long kiss to prove it. "We really have to get some time alone, Shinji. Shame to waste you on the floor." She winked and made her exit.

Shinji blushed and jumped to his feet, covered the spot on the floor and ran to his room to get some clean underwear.

* * *

In a park near his home, Touji looked up from behind a bush. Not seeing anyone, he jumped up and made a mad dash towards his next hiding place. He jumped over the high bush and crashed into a young couple who was wearing the same thing he was. Nothing.

"Oops... sorry," Touji gasped. Then his jaw dropped to the ground, bored through the Earth, and emerged in the United States. "Mis...

saaa... tooo?"

Misato looked up from underneath her boyfriend. "Touji? What...

err... why are you naked?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Touji grinned and started to drool onto Kaji's back.

Misato drew Kaji on top of herself to hide her ample proportions from Touji's view. Of course, Kaji was more than pleased to provide this service. "Misato, would you care to introduce us?" he calmly asked.

"Err... Kaji, this is one of my students, Touji Suzuhara."

"First that Shinji kid and now this one. Do your students always run around naked?"

Shinji? When did they see Shinji naked? Touji thought, trying to look around Kaji's back.

"Not in school, they don't. Well... once last year the entire male student body streaked through my classroom, but not this year. Touji, please go someplace else. We'd... like to finish without an audience."

"Um, sure, Misato. See you in school tomorrow," Touji said, getting up and leaning over to get one last look at Misato.

Before Touji disappeared into the night, Misato said, "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about this with anyone."

"Sure." Touji made his way to the next group of bushes. I'll have to call Kensuke and Shinji as soon as I get home, he thought, a big grin appearing on his face.

"Your students have a nasty habit of interrupting us."

"Yes, and for some reason they always seem to be naked when they do."

"Well, what can you expect from horny fourteen-year olds?" Kaji said, then slid back on top of Misato and resumed his interrupted activity.


	7. Wet Dreams Bite!

Warning: The following chapter contains uncensored sexual content of a vaguely lemon-scented nature.

As if the chapter title didn't inform you of that, already.

Garden of Eva 0:6.5 - Wet Dreams Bite!

* * *

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls, who had actually moved beyond necking already. Hikari looked away from the kissing couple and winked at Shinji. Shinji jumped over to Hikari's side and quickly tore off her skirt, bra, and panties.

They kissed deeply, their tongues probing each other's mouths with a passion usually reserved for porno movies, or the wet dreams of 14-year-old kids.

Kensuke just looked back and forth between the two groups. Asuka had reversed position and was kissing a different pair of lips at present. Kensuke's pants were straining at the seams. Shinji was naked and... well... doing something to Hikari that Touji had yet to experience. Touji had been lucky just to see what Shinji now had his manhood embedded in.

Finally, just as Shinji shot his load into Hikari, Kensuke's pants exploded and covered the room with a milky-white substance.

Kensuke awoke to a wet, hot feeling under his sheets. He rose and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. "Wha... Oh, it was only a dream," he mumbled. He lifted his sheet and sighed. Have to wash my sheets before school again.

* * *

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls, who had actually moved beyond necking already. Shinji and Kensuke exchanged grins as they observed Asuka slide down Rei's naked body, kissing and nibbling at Rei's breasts.

Hikari looked on at her best friend in disbelief. "Shinji, stop them!" she insisted, then looked over at Shinji. Her jaw dropped as she saw Shinji and Kensuke necking and pulling at each other's clothes.

"What the hell are you all doing!"

Rei looked up at Hikari. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, then reached over and grabbed Hikari's bra. She pulled Hikari over, yanking the bra off in the process. "Didn't mean to leave you out." Within moments, Asuka was pulling Hikari's skirt and panties off while Rei kissed and sucked Hikari's large breasts.

"Oh, who needs Touji with friends like you!" Hikari gasped as she felt Asuka's fingers enter her.

Hikari awoke when she fell out of her bed. "Wha..." She looked around her room and blushed in embarrassment as she pulled her hand out of her panties. Of course, only after she pulled them out of something else first.

* * *

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Asuka forced Rei away from her and pulled out a handgun from her... well... since she was naked there was only one place she could have concealed it. Enough said.

She pointed the handgun at Rei and squeezed the trigger. Rei's headless body fell to the ground. "Archficker! How dare you try to kiss these pure lips of mine!" she screamed. Suddenly, she felt hands caressing and massaging her breasts. She turned expecting to have to clobber Shinji, but recoiled in shock when she saw Hikari. "What?" she gasped as her jaw dropped to the floor.

"Oh, my dear Asuka. I've been fighting these feelings for the longest time. Seeing Rei kiss you made me so jealous, I just can't contain my passion for you any longer," Hikari said, spreading her arms and legs. "Please make me your bitch!"

Asuka pulled her jaw up and smiled. "Oh, Hikari... I've always loved you too. I just hid my desire for you," she said, then locked lips with her longtime friend. Soon, Asuka and Hikari were locked in passion as their lips and hands explored each other's bodies.

Shinji and Kensuke stood watching the girls fuck each other. Their pants were lying at their ankles. Shinji held his mighty oak in his hands, while Kensuke held his mighty maple in his. They were giving their trees a good varnishing.

Hikari's tongue was deep within Asuka when the redhead cried out, "Yes! Yes! No man could ever do this to me! Make me yours, my sweet Hikari!" How could she cry out with a tongue in her? Think about it for a second.

As Asuka came, she and Hikari were covered with Shinji and Kensuke's cum as they shot their loads in unison.

Asuka awoke and found she was naked; her torn panties and T-shirt lay by her side. She pulled her sticky fingers from within her and gasped. "What the fuck was that all about?" she cursed, then remembered the strip poker game the night before. "Shit, what did that damn lesbian think she was doing?"

* * *

Touji slid into Misato and smiled as he heard her gasp of pleasure.

He pumped his member in and out of his hot, horny teacher. "I bet you've always wanted this," he remarked between thrusts.

"Oh yes, Touji, ever since I first saw you on the first day of school! Make me yours, my stallion!" Misato replied between pants.

Touji smiled and grew mesmerized by the sight of Misato's breasts bouncing back and forth as he gave her what he knew she always wanted.

Suddenly, Touji frowned as he felt something on his backside. He turned around to see Misato's boyfriend thrusting against his buttocks.

"What the fuck are you doing? You sick, twisted pervert!"

"We're a set. If you want Misato, you have to pleasure me as well,"

Kaji insisted as he banged Touji. How could a man bang another guy?

Think about it for a second, but don't throw up on the new carpeting.

"Arrrrrghhhh! Stop that!" Touji screamed and bolted upright. He quickly felt his ass to make sure... he sighed in relief. "Never thought seeing Misato getting fucked would cause me to have such an...

impossible dream."

* * *

Rei leaned over and kissed Shinji firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Shinji got lost in the sensation and soon he was returning the kiss with all his heart. Rei's breasts pressed against Shinji's chest as they got lost in each other's touch.

"Oh god, Shinji. Fuck me with your mighty oak!" Rei cried out.

As Shinji entered Rei, Rei was smiling broadly in both her dream and her bed.

In a large empty theater, another Rei was watching herself dream of making love to Shinji. She wore a smaller smile on her face, but it was unusual to see this Rei smile at all. "Fascinating."

"Hey! Stop looking at that gross dream!" Asuka bellowed.

"Fine, let's see what's Shinji's dreaming of," Rei calmly replied and clicked the remote control to change to Shinji's dream.

"Has to be better than that one I was having," Asuka muttered. Then a thought hit her. "Where'd the remote come from, anyway?"

"We installed it after Shinji complained about you grabbing his balls to get his attention when you wanted to shift to a different viewpoint."

"Oh, the little pervert liked it. Look at the nasty stuff he and his friends do."

"I think these dreams are because of our kiss."

"Hey! *WE* didn't kiss! Those two characters that Shinji made up, did!"

"I don't think he made you any different."

"Of course he did! If you kissed me, I'd pound you senseless!"

"Why?"

"Because we're both girls, you imbecile!"

"What's wrong with two girls kissing?"

"Oh, go ask Maya, why don't ya?"

* * *

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls. Shinji looked on as Asuka fully explored a part of Rei that he had only briefly touched previously with his face. He gasped as Kensuke suddenly stood up and jumped onto Hikari and pulled her skirt, bra, and panties off. "Kensuke, stop! Touji will kill you!"

"So what?!" Kensuke replied as he sucked on Hikari's now hard nipple and caressed the other breast with his hand.

"Fuck. This isn't fair. Rei is MY girlfriend! Asuka stop licking that and let me into her!" Shinji screamed and pulled his pants down.

His mighty oak was very... mighty.

"No way! She's all mine!" Asuka said, pulling her face from between Rei's legs for a second. Rei quickly pressed Asuka's head back down, so that Asuka could continue probing her hot wet pussy.

"Shinji, I was only using you to get closer to Asuka. Why do you think I never wanted you to tell anyone about us? Ahhhh... Little boys like you couldn't satisfy me. Hell, I killed my last boyfriend because he wouldn't let me fuck his sister. Ohhh... That little twig of yours couldn't satisfy anyone," Rei declared, mentally chopping down Shinji's once mighty tree. "Leave us alone, little boy."

"Yeah! Go fuck your hand, little boy!"

Everyone started chanting "Little boy! Little boy!" as Shinji backed away from the two fucking couples. He finally crashed through a window and found himself looking up at a giant purple foot. The last thing he saw was the 'Nike' logo on the sole of the foot as it smashed his body into a bloody pulp.

Shinji awoke and screamed. He felt his body and made sure he was okay. "Damn, that was a weird dream."

A giant purple hand suddenly crashed through his window and grabbed him from his bed. It held him tightly and pulled him close to the grinning face of Eva Unit 01.

"Put me down!"

The Eva grinned broader and a laughing, sexless voice suddenly was heard. "Never. I will crush you into a bloody pulp."

"No! I want to live!" Shinji screamed, trying to pry the fingers of the giant hand apart, to no avail.

"Who ever said you were alive?"

"Huh?"

"You're dead!" The voice dissolved into mocking laughter just before the hand squeezed Shinji's body tightly. Shinji's head plopped into the water below followed by a shower of his blood.

Shinji awoke and screamed. He felt his head to make sure it was still attached. He looked around, trying to make sure he was really awake this time. He slid out of his bed and rose to his feet just as his mother and father came into the room looking worried.

"Shinji are you alright?" Yui asked, then quickly turned around as she saw her naked son standing in front of her.

"Shinji, I know your mom is hot, but no need to point that twig at her," Gendou calmly said.

Shinji looked down and saw that his penis was gone. In its place a small twig projected from his groin. "Ahhhhhh!" As he looked on in horror, a tiny little Asuka walked down his stomach, defying the laws of gravity in the process. When she reached the twig, she started to chop into it with a tiny little axe.

"Timber!" the little Asuka bellowed and the twig fell off Shinji's groin.

Shinji awoke and screamed. He just sat in his bed and quietly shivered. Suddenly he slapped his own face. He slapped himself again and then a third time to make sure he was finally awake. He relaxed and sighed. "Finally awake. Must have been something I ate last night," he said, then thought about the kiss after the strip-poker game and added, "Or saw."

He stood up, walked over to a mirror, and stretched. After he finally looked at his reflection, he gasped and stopped in mid stretch.

"What the fuck?" He ran his hands over his now female body. He fondled his large breasts then slid down and examined his crotch for any sign of his missing penis. He couldn't find it, inside or out, despite his very thorough search for it.

After finishing his complete examination of his new female form, Shinji ran down the hall and into the bathroom. As if hoping that the mirror in his bedroom was somehow defective, he checked himself out again in the bathroom mirror. "Still a girl. A redheaded girl. Ah!" he exclaimed as a thought occurred to him. He ran some hot water into a bucket and then splashed himself with it. His body instantly transformed back to its usual male form. "Shit, how did I get cursed?"

Just then, Rei walked in with a towel draped over her privates. She looked at Shinji, taking a lingering look at his penis, which appeared to like the sight of Rei standing naked in front of him since it was suddenly fully erect.

For some reason, Rei's first impulse was to go get a table to bash the unknown boy with, but instead she grinned, dropped her towel, and knelt down in front of Shinji. Soon, she had his member in her mouth and was giving Shinji the greatest blowjob he had ever received. Of course, it was his first blowjob, so he really didn't have anything to compare it to.

After Shinji came and filled Rei's mouth with his cum, Rei smiled and said, "If only my father could have engaged me to you instead of some butt-ugly girl."

"Butt... ugly?" Shinji said, backing up in surprise. In the process he accidentally turned the cold water on and was sprayed with cold water. His male body transformed back into the female form he awoke with.

"You!" Rei screamed, and pulled out a bazooka from her... well the same place Asuka got her gun from earlier. She pointed the weapon at Shinko and pulled the trigger. Bits of Shinko were scattered across town.

Shinji awoke screaming and ran a quick check. "Body? In one piece.

Head? On neck. Breasts? No. Vagina? No. Normal size and shaped Penis?

Yes. In my regular room? Yes. Any purple robots around? No."

Shinji finally allowed himself to relax. "Okay, no more strip poker games, no more Shin Seiki Ranma before bed, and no more chocolate anchovy okonomiyaki."

* * *

Asuka stood in the theater and gasped in shock at what she had just observed in Shinji's dream. "Damn, Shinji is one sick puppy."

"As opposed to you blowing my head off?" Rei asked.

"Well, it was only a dream," Asuka insisted, suddenly wanting to change the subject.

"Is there really a difference between a dream and reality?" Rei asked.

"Oh no. I'm not getting into another long conversation with you.

Ask Misato."

"But she's over watching Kaji and herself in the park."

"Gee, I wonder what she and Kaji are doing," Asuka asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes.

"Probably fucking each other," Rei calmly answered.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "OF COURSE SHE'S FUCKING HIM!" she screamed, then added softly, "Why wouldn't she want to see him again... even if it's not real."

"What's the difference between a dream and reality?"

"Well, a dream..." Asuka started to explain, forgetting that she hadn't wanted to get into this conversation with Rei.

Rei smiled inwardly at her victory.

* * *

Kaji rocked back and forth on top of Misato, who panted in ecstasy.

"Oh god... I'm coming!" she screamed.

Kaji shot his load and filled Misato with warmth.

The two naked adults held each other closely as the sun rose and blanketed them in an orange light. "God, that was fantastic, Kaji,"

Misato murmured.

"With you, how could it be otherwise?" Kaji said softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

"I love you."

"And I you, my sweet rose."

"Tell me again."

"As soon as I'm elected mayor of Tokyo-3, I'll marry you."

"If we only didn't have to wait."

"It's better this way. If the press discovered our relationship now, they would hound you mercilessly. After the election they won't be as interested."

"I guess that makes sense. I just wish we could fuck somewhere other than in parks and cars."

"It's too dangerous to go to a hotel or either of our apartments."

"I know," Misato reluctantly conceded. She felt as if she was dreaming, but she knew she wasn't. This was just too good to be a dream.

Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would seem more like a nightmare.


	8. Love Triangles Bite!

Garden of Eva 0:7 - Love Triangles Bite!

* * *

In a large empty theater, Rei was watching herself having sex with Shinji. It was only a dream, but a very graphic dream. She wore a small smile on her face. "Fascinating." She tilted her head trying to follow the action. "VERY fascinating."

"Hey! Stop looking at that gross dream!" Asuka bellowed.

"Fine, let's see what's Shinji's dreaming of," Rei calmly replied and clicked the remote control to change to Shinji's dream.

"Has to be better than that one I was having," Asuka muttered, remembering the sight of Hikari fondling her other self. Of course, fondling was only the start of what the two girls did. Then a thought hit her as she remembered seeing Hikari push all the right buttons on her body. "Where'd the remote come from, anyway?"

"We installed it after Shinji complained about you grabbing his balls to get his attention when you wanted to shift to a different viewpoint."

"Oh, the little pervert liked it. Look at all the nasty stuff he and his friends do."

"I think these dreams are because of our kiss."

"Hey! *WE* didn't kiss! Those two characters that Shinji made up, did!"

"I don't think he made you any different."

"Of course he did! If you kissed me, I'd pound you senseless!"

"Why?"

"Because we're both girls, you imbecile!"

"What's wrong with two girls kissing?"

"Oh, go ask Maya, why don't ya?" Asuka muttered and looked over at the viewpoint at Shinji's dream.

* * *

Asuka stood in the theater and gasped in shock at what she had just observed in Shinji's dream. "Damn, Shinji is one sick puppy."

"As opposed to you blowing my head off?" Rei asked.

"Well, it was only a dream," Asuka insisted, suddenly wanting to change the subject.

"Is there really a difference between a dream and reality?" Rei asked.

"Oh no. I'm not getting into another long conversation with you.

Ask Misato."

"But she's over watching Kaji and herself in the park."

"Gee, I wonder what she and Kaji are doing," Asuka asked, rhetorically and rolled her eyes.

"Probably fucking each other," Rei calmly answered.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "OF COURSE SHE'S FUCKING HIM!" she screamed, then added softly, "Why wouldn't she want to see him again...even if it's not real."

"What's the difference between a dream and reality?"

"Well, a dream..." Asuka started to explain, forgetting that she hadn't wanted to get into this conversation with Rei. Rei smiled inwardly at her victory.

* * *

On a beautiful summer morning, Kaji and Misato were lying close together in a secluded park. The two naked adults held each other closely as the sun rose and blanketed them in an orange light. "God, that was fantastic, Kaji," Misato murmured.

"With you, how could it be otherwise?" Kaji said softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

"I love you."

"And I you, my sweet rose."

"Tell me again."

"As soon as I'm elected mayor of Tokyo-3, I'll marry you."

"If we only didn't have to wait."

"It's better this way. If the press discovered our relationship now, they'd hound you mercilessly. After the election they won't be as interested."

"I guess that makes sense. I just wish we could fuck somewhere other than in parks and cars."

"It's too dangerous to go to a hotel or either of our apartments."

"I know," Misato reluctantly conceded. She felt as if she was dreaming, but she knew she wasn't. This was just too good to be a dream.

Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would seem more like a nightmare.

* * *

Shinji was worried. Rei had kissed Asuka during a strip poker game the gang had a couple nights ago. It didn't seem a big deal to Rei, but Asuka sort of freaked and Hikari had to help her home. So far, Hikari would just tell Shinji that Asuka was okay, but nothing more. Hikari was also keeping her distance from Rei. That worried Shinji the most. Is the gang going to ignore Rei now? Will I have to choose between them and Rei? I just can't figure out why Rei acts like she does. Damn, even Asuka is easier to understand. Well... most of the time. Asuka hadn't come to wake up Shinji for school, like she normally did. Shinji tried calling her apartment and then knocking on her apartment door, but either she wasn't home or she didn't want to talk to him. He suspected the latter. What really worried Shinji was that Asuka didn't come to school either. Could that kiss have really upset her that much?

"WHAT! Rei kissed Asuka! Shit... I missed that?" Touji exclaimed when he heard about the kiss. He had cornered Shinji and Kensuke before school to tell them all about seeing Misato and her boyfriend fucking in the park on his way home from the strip poker game. He had not expected to hear that Rei and Asuka had made out passionately after he left.

Kensuke and Shinji had told him it was just a quick kiss, but Touji immediately had a hot lesbian orgy image formed in his head and couldn't be swayed from picturing it like that. Of course, that may have to do with the fact that his was currently thinking with his head of his dick instead of his mind. Not that this was unusual, mind you.

"Yes, they were both naked too," Kensuke explained.

"Double shit!" Touji swore a blue streak as his mental image got even more explicit, if that was possible. "And here I thought my story about Misato was good."

"Well, that was a good story too," Kensuke said, calmly straightening his fogged-up glasses.

"Yes, that must have been a sight to see," Shinji agreed, avoiding mentioning the time he saw her naked.

"She said she saw you naked before, Shinji. When was that?" Touji asked, beginning his interrogation of Shinji.

Shinji gulped and shielded his eyes from the bright light that Touji had shoved in his face. "She must have dreamt it. If I'd had the chance to see her getting fucked I'd have said something, right?"

"I guess," Touji conceded, although he wasn't fully convinced.

Later, Misato came into the classroom and was greeted by cat calls and whistles from all the boys and one of the girls. She scowled at Touji, who cringed backwards. "Suzuhara! In the hallway! NOW!"

Touji slunk into the hallway behind Misato. After the door closed, all the students ran to the door and tried to listen to what was going on. They could just make out the voices.

"Touji! I asked you not to talk about what happened."

"I didn't, I swear."

"What were all the cat calls for then?"

"I don't know."

"And what about the leaflets describing what happened last night in detail that are being handed out at every street corner?"

"I don't know."

"And the two hundred or so love letters, all of them from boys wanting to fuck me like Kaji did, that were piled in my parking space this morning?" Misato decided not to mention the one girl who had given her a love letter. Who would have thought that SHE was a lesbian. "I don't know."

"And the extremely detailed, full-color mural painted on the gym wall of me and my boyfriend having sex?"

"I don't know."

"And I bet you don't know that you have a hard-on right now?"

"Eeeepp! Its not because of you... it's because of a story Shinji was telling me earlier."

"Yeah, right."

Touji's voice suddenly softened. "Do you like how it feels?"

On the other side of the wall, Hikari sighed and shook her head in disgust. I hope she doesn't tear it off, I do have plans for it eventually.

"Arrrrghhhhhh! Please don't dig your nails in!"

"You're in the hallway today. Three buckets. One more slip-up, even if it's just a sneeze that sounds dirty, and I'll transfer you to Ms.

Sagabon's class."

"Oh god... not old Saggy-boobs! I'll be good!"

As the door started to slide open, all the students jumped back to their seats. Misato came in and stood in front of her desk. "Class, you are to forget about Mr. Suzuhara's little story. It never happened. You little boys could never satisfy me, so give up your little wet dreams and study hard or you'll be transferred to Ms. Sagabon's class."

The boys all snapped to attention and started bowing profusely.

The one girl who would normally be groveling along with the boys, was out taking pictures of the gym wall with Misato's picture on it. "I always thought she would shave herself down there," she remarked as she snapped another picture.

* * *

The next day, Shinji walked to school without Asuka again. Rei appeared from behind a corner and grinned when she saw he was alone. She ran into his arms and gave him a big kiss. Shinji returned it, but Rei sensed his uneasiness. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're still worried about Asuka, right?"

"Yes. I think that was her first kiss."

"It doesn't count if it's another girl. Heck, back in Osaka-2 my girlfriends and me practiced on each other all the time. Well, mostly on our hands, but..."

"I still think you shouldn't have done it."

"I gave her an out."

"Challenging her bravery isn't exactly an out. Especially in Asuka's case."

Rei looked sadly at the ground. "I'm sorry. I'll leave you all alone," she mumbled. Messed up again. What's wrong with me, she mentally scolded herself.

Shinji started. "Huh? Rei, I didn't say you weren't welcome in our gang. If she doesn't come to school again today, we should go over to her house after school and both apologize."

"Okay. What about us?"

"Us?"

"Can I still be your girlfriend?" Rei said. She looked very awkward, which surprised Shinji since she had always been very confident and determined.

Shinji smiled. That's the first time she actually said that word. "Of course, I'd never let a little thing like this..." Shinji was interrupted by a passionate kiss from Rei.

Thank god. I'd thought I'd screwed up another relationship. After the kiss ended, Rei just held Shinji in a tight embrace. "Thank you."

"Um... no problem. I really like you, Rei," Shinji said, nervously.

"Well, let's get to school!" Rei beamed and pulled Shinji towards the school.

* * *

Like the previous day, Asuka didn't show up for school, so Shinji and Rei went to her place after school.

"Come on, Asuka, open up!" Shinji shouted, as he pounded on the door to Asuka's apartment. There was no response.

"Asuka, I'm sorry. It didn't mean anything. I was just joking around," Rei said. There was still no response.

"Asuka, just let us in so we can talk to you. Rei didn't know you'd get this upset over the kiss."

"I'll call the police if you and that lesbian don't leave!" Asuka voice replied from within the apartment.

"I'm not a lesbian!" Rei shouted back.

"Prove it!" was Asuka's reply.

Rei started. "Huh? How?"

Asuka thought for a moment. She had no real answer to that. "Have sex with Shinji!" she finally said, knowing that Rei would never do it.

"Okay, can we use your bed?" Rei quickly replied. Shinji gaped at Rei in shock.

Sounds of a teenage girl falling down followed by the sounds of laughter could be heard from within the apartment. Rei and Shinji looked concerned and then confused when the laughter started.

"Are you okay, Asuka?"

The answer was in the form of the door opening to reveal Asuka in some old worn pajamas and still giggling. "Come on in. If you'd go so far as offering to fuck this little boy, you must be really sorry," she said, motioning them to come in.

"Hey! Who are you calling a little boy!" Shinji shouted, but followed Rei into the apartment.

"You."

Shinji fumed as they went into the living room and sat down.

"So, where's the bed?" Rei calmly asked.

Asuka chuckled. "Ha ha. Don't worry I wouldn't make anyone do THAT with Shinji."

"HEY!"

"I am sorry, Asuka. My old girlfriends and I used to practice kissing all the time. Mostly on the backs of our hands, but we kissed each other a few times. It's no big deal."

"I guess. It just freaked me out that you'd do that."

"I'm sorry if I ruined your first time."

"First time? Hardly," Asuka insisted. Rei and Shinji both had their doubts about her sincerity.

"I'm sure you must have lots of boys wanting to kiss you, Asuka,"

Rei suggested.

"I guess."

* * *

After some of the damage between Rei and Asuka had been repaired, Rei and Shinji walked toward the door, but Asuka pulled Shinji back.

"Just a second, Shinji." Rei didn't notice and left the apartment.

"Something wrong, Asuka?" Shinji asked.

Asuka response was to pull Shinji close to her and give him a long kiss. When she broke it and pulled her tongue out of his mouth, she said, "I'll just consider that my first kiss."

Shinji eyes were wide open with shock. He didn't move until he heard Rei's voice calling him. "Shinji? Is something wrong?"

"Nope. Coming!" Shinji replied and slowly walked towards the door.

He glanced behind him once more to see Asuka standing looking at him with a smile on her lips. I guess she does like me like that. Damn, what do I do now? Unfortunately, Touji wasn't around or he'd be more than happy to provide Shinji with some suggestions, most of them illegal.

Asuka watched Shinji walk away. Damn, not bad for a little boy. At least I don't have to worry about that dirty little lesbian making the moves on him. Apparently, she wasn't quite as forgiving as she had said.

* * *

"In the hallway two days in a row, that's unusual even for you, Touji," Hikari said, as she walked home with Touji.

"I don't know why she got so upset! I didn't lie, she was really fucking that guy!" Touji professed his innocence.

Hikari shook her head sadly. "You really don't get it, do you?

Girls don't like to be treated as objects. Telling everyone about Misato and her boyfriend must have made her feel degraded in front of the whole school."

"Well, why is she always wearing those skimpy outfits then?!"

"Because that's the only way you boys will pay attention to her in class!"

Touji frowned. "You really think so?"

Hikari rolled her eyes. "Yes, I really think so."

"Oh," Touji said flatly, then suddenly asked, "Hikari, when are you and I going to fuck?"

Hikari stopped in her tracks and placed her head in her hands. "I just don't believe you sometimes."

"What?" Touji asked, confused. Nothing new there.

"We just talked about not degrading women and you say something like that," Hikari replied. She thought for a few seconds then said, "Tell you what, Slick. If you can keep from making any vile, degrading, sexist, or otherwise stupid comments for the next month I'll rock your world."

Touji grinned broadly. At long last, I'll get to have my sweet Hikari! he thought to himself, but then realized he could never last a month. "A month? God! I couldn't last that long unless I was Kensuke!

Let's make it a day?"

Hikari snickered, she had expected this. "Three weeks."

"A week."

Hikari seemed consider it for a few seconds. "Fourteen days, and that's my last offer."

Without thinking Touji shouted, "No... two weeks!"

Hikari almost burst out laughing at Touji's slip-up, but then decided to use it to her advantage. "Two weeks? Well, okay, but I doubt you'll be able to do it," she agreed, mostly because she had two weeks in mind originally. Truth be told, she was looking forward to this as well. She just had to make sure Touji earned it, didn't she?

"Ha! With your sweet nectar as the prize, I'll be banging your hot wet pussy in just over two weeks!"

"You already lost with that comment," Hikari remarked, grinning.

"What! That wasn't vile!"

"You're hopeless, Touji," she replied, giving him a quick kiss.

"Okay, starting now. If you can make it for two weeks then I'll give you a night you'll never forget."

"Just wait till you taste my manhood."

Hikari sighed. "Okay, starting NOW! And you can't tell anyone about the bet!"

Touji opened his mouth to complain, but then wisely shut it again.

He nodded his agreement.

"Good boy, you're learning," Hikari said, patting him on his head.

Touji was disappointed that she chose the head on the end of his neck, but wisely chose not to say anything.

* * *

Rei hung on Shinji's arm as they walked through the park after leaving Asuka's place. "Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"Want to go to my place? My mom and sister are gone today."

Shinji gulped. "Yeah, sure. Have any good games to play?"

"I'm sure I can find something... exciting... for you to play with."

* * *

"Mom? Sis? Are you home?" Rei called out as he opened the door.

Nothing was heard, so she let Shinji in and then locked the door.

Shinji was nervously wringing his hands. Rei smiled at his nervousness.

"No need to be nervous, Shinji." She leaned over and kissed Shinji on his trembling lips.

Rei led Shinji down the hallway, but as they passed the family room he turned and went in. Rei looked puzzled. Huh? Does he really want to just watch TV or play a game? Rei thought, letting Shinji lead her to the family room.

"What do you want to do?"

"Whatever," Rei said, still trying to figure out if Shinji didn't intend to have sex with her. He's probably just nervous. I'll have to break the ice myself, I guess. A plan formed in her head. "I'll get something to eat and drink. Can you find something to watch on TV?"

"Sure," Shinji agreed, and sat down and started flipping through the channels while Rei went to the kitchen. She came back with a tray of soda, popcorn, potato chips, and Green Soy dip. Shinji looked up and gasped in surprise. His chin crashed to the floor. "Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

Rei looked down at her naked body and looked confused. "Huh? I've got my dress on."

"Are you sure?" Shinji asked, shaking his head to clear it. When he looked again, Rei was still naked.

"Yes, you've got a pretty active imagination there, Shinji," Rei said, smiling. She walked over to Shinji and gave him a long kiss.

Shinji felt her naked breasts pressed against his chest. She has to be really naked... my imagination isn't this good, he thought, but then remembered the time he thought he saw Misato naked in his kitchen.

Or is it?

Rei broke the kiss and then lay down on her stomach with her bare bottom pointed directly at Shinji. "Come on, Shinji, lay down here next to me."

"Okay." Shinji gulped. He grabbed a can of soda and lay down next to Rei's naked body.

Rei and Shinji started pigging out on the snacks. Shinji couldn't help occasionally glancing at Rei's naked body as they watched the show.

It's got to be my imagination.

* * *

Misato had just finished taking a bath and was watching the news in her bedroom. She finished drying her legs and pulled her panties on. As she pulled a long T-shirt over her head, she heard the announcer say something that caught her attention.

"Today, Mr. Ryouji Kaji, a candidate for the mayor of Tokyo-3, was rumored to be having an affair with a local woman."

Misato gasped. "Shit, someone in the press heard Touji's story."

"We caught up to Mr. Kaji at his home."

Misato was watching the screen intensely as it showed a house in one of the few areas of Tokyo-3 that had single family homes. Damn, I didn't know he had a private home. He always said that he had a small apartment, she thought as she watched a reporter trying to get Kaji to talk.

"I'm telling you that I don't know what you're talking about! I don't know the woman you described!" Kaji insisted.

"But word is that she's a local school teacher and one of her students saw you in the park with her," the reporter insisted.

"Nonsense!"

"What does your fiancee think about you having an affair?"

Fiancee.

Fiancee.

Fiancee. The word reverberated in Misato's head and across an empty theater.

"Fi... an... cee?" both Misatos stuttered.

"I'm telling you that these stories are groundless. I love Maya with all my heart, I'd never cheat on her," Kaji declared his innocence again.

"Maya?" Misato reached over and turned the television off. "He's engaged to someone else? No. How could you do this to me, Kaji?" She broke down and started to cry. "Not another love triangle. I can't handle another after competing with Ritsuko in college for..." She trailed off as her tears overcame her ability to talk.

* * *

"No way!" Misato screamed in the theater.

"What's the matter, Misato? Didn't you say that Shinji's world wasn't perfect?" Asuka gloated.

"Yes, but not Kaji! He would never cheat on me, no matter what world he was in!" Misato's words didn't even convince herself, let alone the others. "And with meek little Maya? Impossible."

"Ms. Akagi used to say that she dated Mr. Kaji," Rei mentioned.

Misato glared at Rei. "Shut up! He wasn't dating me back then...

not officially. Damn, why couldn't Shinji have figured out this world was just a fantasy and come back to reality before now?"

Asuka clicked a button on the remote control. "Well, looks like Shinji is having a lot of fun in his fantasy world, so why should he end it?"

"Hmmmm, switch over there and see how he likes a taste of his own medicine," Misato instructed, hoping that she didn't have to watch her relationship with Kaji fall apart again. Unreal or not, it hurt to watch.

"Sure, ain't picture-in-picture great?" Asuka asked, as she swapped the main viewpoint with the small preview viewpoint that was showing Shinji and Rei lying on the floor.

"I'm sure he'll find me quite tasty," Rei said, straight-faced.

Misato and Asuka gaped at Rei in astonishment. Beads of sweat dripped down their shocked faces.

* * *

After the show was over, Rei stood up and smiled at Shinji. "Hey, Shinji?"

Shinji looked up and blushed as he got a great view of Rei's naked body. The kind of views you find in every men's magazine except Playboy.

Meaning Shinji could see everything in its full glory, not that she had staples in her skin, of course. "Yy... yes?"

"Want to help me off with my dress?"

"Sss... sure," Shinji replied and stood up. Shinji felt for the dress, but his hands only met naked flesh. "Err..."

"What's wrong?" Rei asked, innocently.

"You're already naked," Shinji finally realized, or at least got up the nerve to mention it.

Rei grinned. "Took you long enough to notice." She wrapped her arms around Shinji's neck and pulled him into a long kiss.

After the kiss ended, Shinji looked down and took another look at Rei's beautiful body. "Um, I thought I was dreaming."

Rei smiled. "You're not. You really need to try to figure out what's real and what's not."

"I guess. Sometimes it just seems like you're my dream girl and too good to be true."

"And what's wrong with that?" Rei asked, as she started to undo Shinji's pants.

"Nothing," was all Shinji managed to say before his pants hit the floor. His shirt and shorts quickly joined them. Shinji was unable to restrain himself any longer, so he pushed Rei clumsily onto the sofa and started to kiss her.

Rei ran her hands up and down his sides as he started nibbling on her neck and then moved to her breasts. "You are beautiful," he said, between bites.

"Bet you say that to all the girls you fuck."

"So far," Shinji replied, smirking.

"Mr. Shinji has a sense of humor. Well, your choice what to do next."

Shinji gulped and motioned Rei to lay back. She did. He sat down beside her and gave her a deep kiss, then started exploring her breasts.

His hands had only paused at the breasts before they started to move lower.

"Not so fast, Shinji. Enjoy the trip to heaven," Rei said softly.

Shinji slowed and returned to her breasts. Eventually he started to explore with his lips and tongue.

"You taste great," Shinji mentioned between licks.

Back in the theater, Rei smiled slightly and looked over at Misato and Asuka.

"Looks like he's less filling to me," Asuka said, motioning toward Shinji's penis.

"Give it up, Asuka! Shinji's bigger than Kaji!" Misato blurted, apparently sick of Asuka's comments about the size of Shinji's penis.

"Yeah, right!" Asuka snorted, then frowned. "Really?"

Misato didn't say anything. Rei just look aback at the viewpoint where the aforementioned body part was showing Rei how much Shinji enjoyed the view.

"Glad you like the view." Rei rose from the sofa and pushed Shinji down. She reached over to a small table and pulled a condom out of a drawer.

Shinji gulped when he saw her unroll the condom over his mighty oak, which grew mightier at Rei's touch.

"Ready to go to heaven?" Rei asked. Shinji nodded without speaking.

Rei slid on top of Shinji and straddled his legs. Shinji reached up, grabbed her breasts, and kneaded them between his fingers.

Shinji gasped as Rei lowered herself onto his lap. His split second of ecstasy was interrupted by a shout.

"Rei, what the fuck are you doing!" a shocked Ritsuko screamed.

Startled Rei and Shinji both looked over to see Rei's sister standing in the doorway to the family room. Shinji lost his voice, but Rei didn't. "I'm fucking my boyfriend, what does it look like?! Get the hell out of here, sis!"

"You stupid little brat! Do you want to get pregnant again?"

Shinji was, to say the least, shocked.


	9. Rei's Past Bites!

Garden of Eva 0:8 - Rei's Past Bites!

* * *

"Ready to go to heaven?" Rei asked. Shinji nodded without speaking.

Rei slid on top of Shinji and straddled his legs. Shinji reached up, grabbed her breasts, and kneaded them between his fingers.

Shinji gasped as Rei lowered herself onto his lap. His split second of ecstasy was interrupted by a shout.

"Rei, what the fuck are you doing!" a shocked Ritsuko screamed.

Startled Rei and Shinji both looked over to see Rei's sister standing in the doorway to the family room. Shinji lost his voice, but Rei didn't. "I'm fucking my boyfriend, what does it look like?! Get the hell out of here, sis!"

"You stupid little brat! Do you want to get pregnant again?"

Shinji was, to say the least, shocked.

Ritsuko walked over and pulled Rei off Shinji's... mighty oak.

Since she wasn't exactly careful when doing it, Shinji cried out in pain and grabbed his now leaning tower of penis.

"I can't believe after what that bastard Hasamoto did to you that you'd get into another relationship with some horny little dickhead!"

Ritsuko yelled.

Rei glared at her sister. "Shut the fuck up! Shinji's not like that! He's nice and would never hurt me."

Shinji was still so shocked by the revelation that Rei had a child, that he hadn't regained motor control. He just stood still and tried to follow the argument in front of him, forgetting that he was naked.

"He's a boy isn't he? They're all alike, Rei! He'll fuck you, get you pregnant, and then dump you!"

"Shut up. Just because your love life sucks, doesn't mean that every boy is like that!" Rei yelled back at her sister. "Besides! He has a condom on!" She gestured to Shinji's still covered penis.

"Oh, I'm so damn proud of you for using a condom!" Ritsuko pulled her arm back as if to hit Rei.

Regaining his motor control, Shinji leapt between Rei and Ritsuko.

"Don't hit her!" he screamed.

Ritsuko glared at Shinji. "You shut up! You have a lot of nerve to fuck my little sister with that little twig of yours!"

Shinji fumed. "Better than fucking an old hag like you!" he snapped. He regretted it as soon as Ritsuko grabbed him by his condom-covered penis in a vicious vise-like grip and dragged him towards the door. Shinji was screaming in pain the whole way, trying to break her hold on his penis.

"Get out! If you ever see my sister again, I'll make sure you can never fuck another girl... ever!" Ritsuko yelled, shoving Shinji out the door.

Shinji swore a blue streak and pounded on the door. Then he finally noticed he was still naked. "Oh... crap!" He pounded on the door some more, but then as doors started to open, he realized that he should get out of there fast. He ran down the hall, trying to hide his privates. As he ran, various people stuck their heads out their doors and watched the nude boy run by.

One older woman smiled as Shinji passed her. "Gee, it used to be you only saw streakers in the park." Her thoughts were of the tall dark haired boy that she had seen days earlier in a nearby park. What a young stud. I'd ride that baloney pony any day. Her little daughter poked her head out, interrupted her mother's fantasies, and asked, "Mommy, what was that big long thing?"

Her mother blushed, then tried to find the right words. "Umm...

well that is... an oak tree. All boys have them." She frowned after saying the words. Why the heck did I call it an 'oak tree'? "What are they used for?" the child asked, innocently.

"Well, ones like that can make mommy really happy," the woman said, ushering her confused daughter back inside their apartment.

One teenage girl stuck her head out and frowned at seeing Shinji's retreating buttocks. "Damn, thought it was that cute Rei from my class streaking instead of a butt-ugly boy." She sighed and went back inside.

Inside her apartment, Rei was calmly redressing and ignoring her sister's incessant scolding. When she finished, she gathered up Shinji's clothes.

"Rei, what am I going to do with you? I don't want you to end up pregnant again," Ritsuko said.

"Shut up, Sis. You're not my mother."

Ritsuko flinched. "No, but Mom and I love you and don't want to see you ruin your life."

"She's not my mother, either!" Rei screamed and then shook her head sadly. "Damn it, I'm not you and Shinji is not Kouzou! Or Hiroshi. Or Yuu. Or Makuru. Or..."

Ritsuko interrupted Rei. "Stop changing the subject! This is about you and that little walking cock!"

"Stop saying bad things about Shinji! He's nice and kind and would never hurt me!" Rei shouted.

"They all are until they get into your pussy, then they change."

"Shut up. I love Shinji!"

Ritsuko shook her head sadly. "You can't possibly know what love is at fourteen, Rei! Please just go to your room. We'll talk again after we both calm down."

Rei looked ready to continue the fight, but then realized that it would be pointless. She stomped down the hall to her bedroom.

Ritsuko sat down and cradled her head in her hands. "Oh god, Rei...

why do you have to be so much like me?"

* * *

In the theater, Asuka was sitting cross-legged on the floor and munching on some popcorn. "Damn, this is getting good. Looks like Rei is really screwed up in this universe."

"Unfortunately, she won't get screwed tonight," Rei said, sadly watching her other self as she cried into her pillow.

Misato could be seen in the background, tearing up pictures of Kaji.

"Misato's being two timed, Rei's a slut, and Shinji is running around naked. Looks like I'm the only normal one in that universe."

Shinji came out of his trance and glared at Asuka. "Dammit, Asuka!

Just shut up! Don't you have any compassion for others?" he shouted. He looked over at Rei and frowned. "I'm sorry, Rei. I wanted to make a world where everyone could be happy. I guess that's a fantasy."

"It's okay."

"No. Not after what my father did to you. This isn't fair." Shinji grabbed a handful of storyboards that showed his perfect world on them and began to tear them.

Rei quickly grabbed his hands and stopped him just in time to keep Shinji's world from collapsing in on itself. "Don't."

"But this world's a bust... I'll find a different way to make everyone happy."

"It's okay. I don't mind a little pain if she can find happiness in the end with you," Rei said softly, looking into Shinji's eyes.

Shinji didn't know what to say, so he held Rei's gaze for an eternity. Or what passed for an eternity in the timeless aftermath of Third Impact. He broke the gaze after he felt a twitch from his lower body. He quickly turned away, a deep blush appearing on his face. "Are you sure?" Shinji asked, glancing back at Rei.

Rei nodded, the blush on her own normally pale face very evident.

Just as he was about return his trance, he grabbed the popcorn out of Asuka's hands. "And I've told you not to eat MY popcorn, Asuka!" He took a handful of the popcorn, ate it, and then threw the rest in the trash. His eyes became vacant again as he returned to his contemplation of his perfect world, which was not so perfect anymore. Assuming it ever was perfect, that is.

Rei exhaled, as if relieved.

"Doesn't matter... he'll figure out that his life sucks no matter what universe he's in," Asuka mentioned.

Rei snapped her head around. "Shut up!" she yelled.

Asuka recoiled at the outburst from the normally calm Rei.

* * *

Misato walked slowly through the park with the latest in a string of beers clasped in her hand, barely looking where she was going. In fact, several times she hit a pole or trash can. She kept picturing the interview she saw with Kaji and his 'fiancee'. "That two timing jackass!

How dare he propose to me when he already had a fiancee! Hic!"

She continued her rants, some aloud and some silent, as she walked.

She was so preoccupied that she didn't see the person who barreled into her and knocked her over. The two figures crashed to the ground. "Shit!

Jackass, look where you..." She trailed off as she saw who had ran into her. "Shinji?"

Shinji looked up from between Misato's breasts, which was where his head had landed. "Misato?" He gasped and slid off his teacher. "Um, sorry..."

Misato finally got a good look at Shinji. "What the f... hic...

fuck is the matter with you boys! Always running around nak... nak...

without clothes on!"

Shinji gasped and covered himself with his hands. "Err... well...

it's a long story."

"I bet it is. Jeez, why are men such sexy... sex starved maniacs?"

Shinji had the feeling she wasn't talking about him anymore, but considering his current state of dress, he decided to not say anything.

"My god, you even have a condom on! Hic! What a little pervert!"

Misato grabbed Shinji's penis and pulled the condom off, making a loud snap. "Little boy's shouldn't play with fire, Shinji."

"I'm not a little boy!" Shinji screamed.

Misato turned around and chuckled. "No, maybe you're not. Too bad, that means you're just like all of those other men out there." A tear rolled down her cheek. She looked down at her hand and felt the condom between her fingers. "Hmmm... maybe I should give Kaji a... hic... taste of his own medicine. Shinji?" She turned around and saw that Shinji had already run off, missing a once in a lifetime chance. She shrugged, took another swig of beer, and started walking aimlessly again.

* * *

"Looks like Shinji ran off too fast! He missed his chance to fuck Misato," Asuka said, between chuckles.

"Shut up, Asuka!" Misato screamed.

Asuka frowned. "Third Impact is really starting to bite."

"I'm so sorry to spoil the end of the world for you," Misato muttered. She grabbed another picture of Kaji from the Xerox machine and ripped it in half.

* * *

"Blam! Blam!" Kensuke called out holding a stick in front of him as it was a rifle. Then he rolled partway down the hill and then sprang to his feet and aimed his 'weapon'. "Blam! Blam!" Suddenly he clutched his chest, fell to the ground, and fell the rest of the way down the hill.

As he reached the bottom he collided with something and went spinning into the nearby lake.

Kensuke flapped around for a few seconds in the deep water and then managed grab the edge of the embankment. He looked around looking for the person he crashed into.

"Damn, it! Look where you be going! Hic!"

"Misato? I'm sorry, I was just..." Kensuke said, then paused. Not wanting to say he was playing war, he just said, "I just fell."

Misato pulled herself out of the lake and held out a hand for Kensuke. Kensuke reached up, grabbed her hand, and was pulled out of the cold lake. Then his glasses fogged over when he got a perfect view of Misato's breasts through her wet blouse. The water was apparently very cold, since her nipples stood out clearly under the fabric.

"Well, at least you're not naked," Misato muttered, looking around for her can of beer. She spotted it floating in the lake. "Shit, that can was full."

"Huh?" Kensuke finished wiping his glasses off and squeezed some water out of his clothes.

Misato shrugged. "Nothing. What are you... hic... doing out so late?"

Kensuke snapped to attention. "I finished my homework, Miss Katsuragi!"

"Relax, Kensuke, I'm not your teacher right now." Misato started walking.

Not knowing what else to do, Kensuke fell in beside her. "Oh. What are you doing out so late then?"

"Just thinking. Hic."

Thinking with beer, it looks like, Kensuke remarked to himself.

They walked a little further, more by accident than intending to walk together. "Um, I'll see you at school," Kensuke said suddenly, wanting to get out of this awkward situation.

Misato frowned. "Can you please just walk some more with me?"

Kensuke was baffled, but agreed. They walked silently, if a little erratically due to Misato's current state of intoxication, for about fifteen minutes until they found themselves in front of Misato's apartment building.

Misato looked at the door to her building for a few moments, trying to make sure it was hers. Since her eyes wouldn't focus, she couldn't be sure. "Hmmm, care to come up?"

Kensuke couldn't believe this was happening. His brain said this was a mistake and he should be a gentleman and decline, but his hormones said, "Go for it, you wimp!" His hormones won out. Fourteen-year-old hormones are very powerful.

* * *

Shinji was almost home when he crashed into someone who had been standing near his apartment building. The two figures rolled over and crashed into some bushes. "I'm sorry," Shinji gasped, then made to get away. The voice of the person he'd crashed into stopped him cold.

"Shinji? Isn't it a bit cold to be streaking?" Asuka calmly asked while taking in the view.

"Asuka! Um... it's a long story."

"No, it looks pretty short to me," Asuka insisted. She nodded down towards Shinji's groin and smirked.

Shinji seethed and slid his hands over his privates. "What would you know about that?"

Asuka recoiled. "I know plenty."

"You don't know anything! You always call me a little boy, but you're just a little girl yourself."

Asuka was startled by Shinji's sudden change in attitude. "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing..." Technically he had gotten into something, but was rudely interrupted. He wasn't about to tell Asuka about that, of course.

"Yeah, right. Shinji, I've been your friend for years, tell me what's wrong," Asuka said, taking Shinji's hands in hers. This of course revealed his privates again, which Asuka noticed with a smirk.

Shinji wasn't about to tell her the whole story, but found himself wanting to talk about it. But first there was something he had to take care of. "Err... can I get up to my room and get dressed before we talk about this?"

Asuka grinned. "If you insist, Shinji."

* * *

Later, Shinji was dressed and sitting on the bed next to Asuka. "I don't know... I liked this person, but things have suddenly become very complicated."

Asuka tried not to react to that statement. Oh god, he's fallen in love with me because of that kiss. Asuka, you just don't know your own power.

While Asuka's inflated ego scolded herself, Shinji continued, "All the time I thought our relationship was progressing well, but suddenly I'm confronted with this situation... I don't know what to do."

Asuka didn't know what to say at first, but then came to a decision. "Shinji, I'm sorry that I confused you with that kiss."

Shinji looked up at Asuka, confused. "What?"

Asuka pulled Shinji into a tight embrace. "I like you a lot, Shinji." She pulled away and then planted a hot, wet kiss on Shinji's lips. Shinji was shocked first, but then got into the sensation and the two teenagers started making out on his bed.

* * *

Asuka was chuckling in the theater. "Looks like I'm going to get to pop Shinji's cherry before you."

Rei frowned. "I think he's already lost his virginity to my other self."

Asuka huffed. "What? Being inside that little slut's vagina for a second or two? I don't think that counts. He has to come inside her..."

"She's not a slut," Rei calmly insisted.

"Yeah? Look at what she's doing right now!" Asuka pointed to the smaller picture-in-picture viewpoint. It showed the other Rei in her bathtub, moaning Shinji's name.

"Asuka and Rei, will you two please shut up! Why the hell do you two care about this anyway? It's not REAL!" Misato screamed from her nest of torn up Kaji pictures.

"You seem pretty upset about Kaji cheating on that other Misato..."

Asuka mentioned, smiling.

"I am not!" Misato insisted, pounding her fist against the wall.

This caused a straw figure, which looked suspiciously like Kaji, to fall out of its hiding place and hang from a noose. A small dagger was stuck in its side.

Asuka smirked, then turned back to Rei. "Tell you what Rei... let's have a little bet."

"Bet?" Rei asked, confused.

"Whichever of our alter egos goes all the way with Shinji in his little fantasy world wins the bet."

"All the way?"

Asuka smirked. "Man, you are hopeless. Okay let me put it this way: The first girl he comes inside of wins the bet. Understand?"

Rei nodded. "Yes, that is acceptable. But what is the prize?"

"Good question... material goods aren't really useful since Third Impact," Asuka said, thinking furiously. "Misato, you have any ideas?"

"Oh, just fuck the real Shinji why don't you?!" Misato screamed, meaning it as a joke. Misato went back to watching her alter ego doing something on one of the small viewpoints, not that she'd admit that she was really watching it. She'd never imagined she could do that with Kensuke, or any kid. She frowned as a sudden movement from the viewpoint caught her eye. She tilted her head and her eyes widened in amazement.

"Damn... Kensuke is pretty good for a beginner."

Asuka took Misato's remark literally. "Great idea! Winner gets to fuck this little boy in front of us... for real."

"Deal," Rei agreed, without hesitation.

Asuka shook Rei's hand to seal the deal and smirked. He's almost there with me already. This is one sure-fire bet. It never occurred to her to wonder why she agreed to the prize; she had no desire to have sex with Shinji, did she?

* * *

Shinji had Asuka's nipple between his lips when Asuka suddenly gasped and pulled away from him. She closed her blouse and stared at Shinji. "Damn, what do you think you're doing!"

Shinji bowed his head. "I'm sorry. I couldn't restrain myself."

"Dumpfbacke! I just kissed you. That doesn't give you the right to do that!"

Shinji frowned. Rei had never complained. But... Rei was always the aggressor. Shit, what am I doing! I find out Rei has a kid and I start fooling around with Asuka? "I'm sorry, Asuka."

"You should be! Damn, you slobbered all over my breasts! Ick!"

Asuka snapped, wiping her breasts off. Inwardly, she knew she had enjoyed the sensation, but wasn't ready to go further. Not yet, anyway.

She finished re-buttoning her blouse, then walked to the door. Before leaving, she looked back and smiled sweetly. "Shinji, let's take this a little slower. You can take me on a date tomorrow night. Okay?"

"Err... okay."

* * *

"Damn! I screwed myself!" Asuka bellowed, dropping to the floor of the theater and placing her head in her hands.

"Maybe she will masturbate later, but she doesn't appear to be doing it now," Rei remarked, straight-faced.

Asuka wasn't sure if Rei was making a joke or not, but she didn't care. "Just shut up, will you?"

* * *

Kensuke awoke the next morning and opened his eyes. He blinked a few times and tried to make out what was in front of his face. He squinted and then recognized it. He recoiled from the breasts lying in front of him and fell onto the floor making a lot of noise in the process. This woke Misato up.

Misato rubbed her eyes and saw the naked boy on the floor.

"Kensuke! God, you're just like Shinji and Touji!"

"Huh?" Kensuke looked around for his clothes, but didn't see them anywhere.

"Always running around naked! And you broke into my apartment, too!"

"No, I didn't!"

Misato seemed to notice for the first time that she was also naked, so she covered herself up quickly. "Slimy little boy... I bet you jerked off over my naked body!"

"No! What kind of slimy pervert would do that!" Kensuke proclaimed his innocence. "You invited me up here!"

Misato frowned and scratched her head, trying to remember last night. Some details started to pop back into her mind. "Oh god, no. How could I sleep with a little boy."

Kensuke's ego deflated as if popped with a pin.

Misato suddenly realized something, slipped her hands under the sheets, and checked something. The sticky feeling she found did not reassure her. "Oh no..." She buried her head in her hands and started to cry.

Kensuke was torn between comforting her, finding his clothes, and wanting to fuck her again. He knew the latter wasn't likely to happen again and he might be punched if he tried the former, so he chose to look for his clothes.

Misato looked up at hearing him move around. "What are you doing?"

Kensuke looked up and blushed. "Err... looking for my clothes."

"Good. Find them and get out!" Misato snapped.

"Yes, ma'am!" Kensuke snapped to attention, in every possible way since the sheet had fallen off Misato's body.

"And don't you dare tell anyone about this!" A pillow was thrown and hit Kensuke hard in the face. "I mean it. If I hear anything about this, I'll make Lorena Bobbitt look like a surgeon!"

Kensuke gulped as he recalled the infamous penis butcher of the last century. He retrieved his pants from on top of a tall cabinet where they had been thrown. He slipped them on, grabbed his shirt, and ran from the room. In his haste, he left his shoes and underwear behind.

"And I won't leave anything that can be reattached!" Misato shouted at the retreating teenager.

After he had gone, Misato held her legs tightly and curled up into a ball. "Shit, I better not get pregnant." She rocked back and forth for awhile and concluded, "This is all your fault, Kaji."

* * *

Instead of going to school, Misato decided to confront Kaji. She didn't want a repeat of last night if she could help it. She also knew she couldn't face the students. Even if they didn't know what happened, she did. She stood in front of a little house and pressed the doorbell.

A young woman in a maid's outfit answered it. At first, Misato was going to punch her, but then she realized it was not the woman named Maya that Misato had seen on the news, who was also Kaji's fiancee.

"Can I help you?" the young woman asked.

"I'd like to see Mr. Kaji, please," Misato asked, a tremble in her voice.

"I'm sorry, but he isn't seeing anyone today."

"He'll see me."

"And you are?"

"Misato Katsuragi."

"I'm really sorry, but Ms. Ibuki has specifically said that you are not allowed."

Misato snapped and landed a backhand to the maid's face, causing the young woman to fall to the ground. She stepped over the prone woman and made her way inside. "Kaji!"

"Oh god. Misato... this isn't a good time," Kaji said as he came around a corner. He quickly looked around, to make sure they were alone.

"Please, I'll explain everything... but not here... and not now."

"Not good enough. I want to know about this little tramp, Maya, right now."

"She's not a tramp."

"So that would mean I am?"

Kaji put on a dashing smile and cupped Misato's head in his hand.

"No, you are my most precious love." For a second it looked like he would kiss her, but then suddenly he shoved her outside and slammed the door shut.

A bewildered Misato sat on her butt and looked at the closed door with amazement. She jumped to her feet and started pounding on the door.

"Kaji! You jerk!"

Back inside, Kaji was kneeling over the maid while Maya looked on from behind him. "What's going on?" Maya asked.

"Just that crazy woman who's been spreading those rumors," Kaji said, trying to wake up the maid. "She barged in and hurt Hanaki."

Maya frowned. "She had better just be a crazy woman. If I find out it's true, Daddy will withdraw his support for your campaign."

A dashing smile crossed Kaji's face and he stood up, dropping the maid's head in the process. He walked over to Maya and took her in his arms. "You know I love only you. Father or not, I want to spend my life with you."

Maya smiled and leaned up for a kiss. Kaji obliged her.

* * *

In addition to Misato, Rei didn't show up for school either. So Shinji sat awkwardly in homeroom and tried to avoid looking at Asuka. He looked up when Touji and Hikari came in. "Hey, Touji, Hikari."

Instead of saying hi, Touji held up a little wooden sign that read, 'Hi.'

Hikari smirked when he pulled the sign out. She had made a bet with him yesterday that he couldn't go two weeks without saying anything vile. She had no idea her boyfriend was inventive enough to come up with this idea. "Hi, Shinji."

Shinji frowned. "What's with the signs, Touji? Have you been watching too much Shin Seiki Ranma?"

Touji chose another sign out of his bag and held it up. It read, 'I have laryngitis that will last for 13 more days'.

Hikari chuckled.

"Exactly thirteen more days?" Shinji asked. Touji nodded. "What about the Eva championships?"

Touji held up a sign that read, 'No problem'.

"Good, we probably should do some training before we leave."

"Good idea. Asuka, is that okay with you?" Hikari asked, looking over at Asuka.

"Um, is Rei still going to be playing with us?" Asuka asked.

"Yes, she is," Shinji declared, then glared at Asuka. "You have a problem with our FRIEND, Rei, playing with us?"

Asuka blinked, astonished at Shinji's resolve. "No... I guess not."

Shinji relaxed inwardly. "Good."

Touji leaned over to Hikari and held up a sign that read, 'What's up between Shinji and Asuka?'

"Don't know... you think they had a fight?" Hikari whispered to him. Touji shrugged. Their discussion was interrupted when Kensuke walked into the classroom. Actually, it was more like he strutted in.

"Hey, Kensuke, we were just talking about getting some practice in for the Eva Championships," Shinji said.

Kensuke looked up and adjusted his glasses, in a fashion that he had decided made him look more manly and mature. It took him a half an hour in front of a mirror that morning to perfect that manly look.

"Well, Eva is so childish, but I will still play with my dear friends."

The others all looked at him oddly, wondering why he was acting like some evil madman from a B-movie.

* * *

After school, Shinji waited hidden outside Rei's apartment for her sister to leave. An older woman was with Ritsuko when she left. Shinji couldn't be sure that she was Rei's adoptive mother since he had never met her, but he decided to risk it because he desperately wanted to talk to Rei. He knocked on the door to Rei's apartment. After a few seconds the door opened, revealing Rei in a T-shirt and panties.

"Shinji?" Rei brushed her hair out of the way and rubbed her eyes, she had obviously been crying. Her feelings at seeing him were mixed: happy that he was there and sad at what she assumed was a visit to break up with her.

"Rei, I wanted to talk to you."

Rei gulped, then motioned Shinji to come in. "The wicked witch and my mom are gone. Probably to arrange to move again."

"Move?"

"Yeah, they are talking about moving because of what happened yesterday. They always overreact trying to preserve their supposedly clean image in the community."

They reached the living room and sat down on the sofa. "I'm sorry.

It's my fault," Shinji said, after an awkward pause.

Rei smiled weakly. "No, it's mine. I wanted a nice boyfriend so badly that I pushed too hard and was careless."

"Well, you did use a condom," Shinji said, trying to break the tension.

Rei chuckled. "I should have gone to a hotel with you instead."

"Maybe. Um, where is your kid anyway?" Shinji asked the question that had been haunting him since last night.

Rei gasped and looked downward, trying to hide her shame from Shinji. "Um, I don't have one."

"But your sister said..."

Rei interrupted Shinji. "I... I had a miscarriage after my old boyfriend beat me up when I told him I was pregnant."

"Oh no... I'm sorry." Shinji tried to say something more, but couldn't find the words, so he just put his hand over Rei's.

Rei didn't look up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but after all that happened in Osaka-2, I knew no one would want a slut like me as a girlfriend."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"I am. I know it now. I used to do things..." Rei trailed off and looked down at the floor.

"What things?"

"Bad things. After the miscarriage, I was so confused..." Rei trailed off again, then seemed to switch thoughts. "If I can't even get a great guy like you when I put out, what use is there in even trying.

No one's going to want damaged goods."

Shinji smiled. "It may surprise you, but I knew you weren't a virgin."

Rei looked up. "Really? Damn... what gave me away?"

Shinji burst out laughing. "Well, for one thing no one else I know could put a condom on so easily without some practice. I know I couldn't."

Rei allowed herself to smirk. "Oh... Well, I'm glad you came and let me explain. I hope I haven't been too much of a pain." She got up and started to walk away, but Shinji grabbed her hand and yanked her back.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Rei just stared at Shinji for several seconds. "Huh? You're the one who's here to break up with me..."

"No, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your sister was pretty mad last night."

A tear rolled down Rei's cheek. "I... I... can't believe you would want to keep seeing me after knowing my past." The tears were flowing readily.

"Your past doesn't matter," Shinji said, pulling her into a hug. He knew it did bug him a bit, but he wasn't going to hold it against her.

Without lifting her head from Shinji's chest, Rei asked, "And if I say I can't have sex with you?"

Shinji flinched. "I'd be unhappy, but to tell you the truth, sometimes your forwardness scared me."

"I love you, Shinji."

Shinji stiffened. "I... err... ah..."

"Shhhh, you don't have to say anything. Let's stay like this for a bit longer." Rei felt Shinji's arms tighten around her and the two teenagers held the embrace, afraid to let go.

* * *

"Awwwww, how freaking sweet," Asuka said as she looked at the hugging couple on the viewpoint. Then she smacked the Shinji in the theater with her on the head.

"God dammit, Asuka! Stop hitting me already!" Shinji yelled rubbing his head.

"Two timing louse! Leading me on and then running to Rei when I wouldn't fuck you!"

"Shut up! Who'd want to fuck a bitch like you!"

Asuka recoiled. "Damn, when did you grow a spine?"

Shinji ignored Asuka and looked over at Rei. "Are you sure you want this world to continue? It looks like you went through hell."

Rei nodded. "It's okay."

"No it's not okay!" Misato snapped and stormed over to Shinji. "How dare you make a world where Kaji doesn't love me!"

"Misato... I'm sorry, but when I envisioned this world, I did think that Kaji loved you. I don't know what happened..."

"So tear it up then!" Misato screamed, pointing at the storyboards in front of Shinji.

Shinji glanced at Rei. "I'm sorry, I can't."

Misato came over and pressed her naked chest against Shinji's face.

"Please?"

"Mis...ato?"

"Hey, cut that out!" Asuka screamed, pulling Shinji away by his penis.

"Owwww!" Shinji screamed in pain. "Will you stop pulling my penis!"

"You know you love it!" Asuka remarked.

"No, you love it! You god damned tease!"

"Who are you calling a tease?!"

"You!"

"Better than that slut Rei!"

Shinji snapped and pulled his arm back, as if to slap Asuka. She cringed backwards. Shinji's eyes widened as he realized what he had almost done. "Oh no... Asuka, I'm sorry. I didn't..."

He reached over to assure Asuka that he wouldn't hurt her, but she slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me. You think you're the only one who has it tough, don't you. Only your happiness matters. Only you..."

Shinji flinched. "No... I..."

"Go back to your little slut," Asuka turned and walked away into the darkness.

Shinji dropped to his knees and stared at the ground. "I can't take this any more."

Rei and Misato came up and each put a hand on his shoulders. "Yes, you can," Rei said softly.

"You can continue, if you choose to," Misato added.

"Choose. Is it all about my choice? Was Asuka right? Am I just worried about my happiness?"

Misato knelt down in front of Shinji. "No. You wanted to scrap your world because you didn't think Rei was happy."

"But..."

Rei knelt down. "Things may not be perfect, but aren't they better off than what was?"

Shinji nodded, although he was still uncertain if things were better. "But what about Misato?"

Misato took a deep breath. "As Asuka said, it's your choice. But to tell you the truth, Kaji never was that faithful to me before." She seemed to straighten suddenly, as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. This caused her breasts to stick out further, but that's not important right now. Neither is the fact that sweat was dripping from them. Really, that's not important to the ongoing story at all.

"So you both want this world to continue?" Shinji asked, looking up at them both.

Rei nodded right away, but Misato's nod was a little slower in coming.

"Okay, but I hope it doesn't get any worse."

* * *

Rei and Shinji were snuggling together on the couch. "Shinji there's more about me that you should know."

Shinji ran his hands gently through her hair. "What?"

"Um... after the miscarriage, I guess I was a bit confused and slept with a lot of boys."

"That's okay."

"And some men."

"That's okay."

"And some women."

Shinji's eye twitched, among other things that twitched. "That's okay."

"For money and gifts."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Tha... that's okay."

"I also danced naked in front of the entire male student body at my last school."

Shinji's body trembled. "That's okay..."

"Some of the girls were there too, I think."

Shinji's mighty oak twitched again. "Th... they were all lucky to see it. Err... you didn't sleep with all of them, did you?"

Rei blushed. "No..." Shinji visibly relaxed. "Just some of them."

Shinji grew tense again.

Recalling something, Shinji asked, "I thought you said a while back that you weren't a lesbian?"

"I'm not."

"But you just said..."

"Oh, that was just for the money," Rei said, as if that made it all right.

"I see." Shinji shuddered.

* * *

Back in the theater, Rei stood staring at the viewpoint. "Okay, maybe she is a slut," she said calmly.

Asuka smirked. "See, told you so."

"No need to gloat. It just means I'm sure to win the bet," Rei remarked, confidently.

"Ha, the war's not over until the so-called mighty oak blows its load."

Rei frowned, as if confused. "I was under the impression that the girl does the blowing?"

* * *

After a few seconds of silence, Shinji asked, "Is that it?"

Rei concentrated. "I think that's the worst of it. Um...

actually... you know the sex cheats in the Eva game?"

"Yes."

"The female Eva bodies are based on mine."

Shinji gasped and then thought about it. "I thought your body looked familiar."

Rei allowed herself to smile. "Not even the game designer knows that I modeled for those. By the way..." Her latest confession about her adoptive mother being the game designer was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Rei jumped to her feet. "Oh shit... my mom and sister are back!" She quickly grabbed Shinji and pulled him into her bedroom.

"Damn, what'll we do?" Shinji asked, as he looked around her bedroom.

A voice called from outside her room. "Rei?!"

"Out the window, quick!" Rei said, pointing.

Shinji dashed for the window and crawled out onto the narrow ledge.

He was going to make his way down, when he heard voices from her room.

Rei sat on the bed, shaking her head. "No! I'm not going to move again!"

"Rei, it's for the best. Mom is out of town talking with perspective employers right now. You have to stop sleeping with every boy you meet," Ritsuko said, sitting down by Rei's side.

"I don't!"

"Yeah, right. Then why did I pull you off that little walking cock last night?" Ritsuko asked.

Outside, Shinji almost lost his temper and said something before he realized he wasn't exactly in a good position to have an argument with anyone right now.

"Shut up, Sis! I've only slept with a few guys. You've probably slept with thousands!" Rei knew she was lying about her own count, but she knew for a fact that her sister had been with many more guys that she had.

Shinji chuckled.

Without thinking, Ritsuko replied, "Not when I was fourteen!" Rei started laughing. When Ritsuko realized what she said, she blushed.

Rei smirked. "Sis, you have no right to call me a tramp when you've had such a sordid love life yourself!"

Ritsuko's expression softened and she sat down on a chair across from Rei. "Rei, I don't want you to make the same mistakes I have. Yes, I was having sex when I was your age. That doesn't make it right."

"I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do with my life. If I want to be with Shinji, I will!"

"I forbid it!"

Rei stood up and glared at Ritsuko. "I'd wish Mom had never adopted me! What a sorry excuse for a family this is!"

"Well, I'm so sorry! Maybe you'd want to spend your life in an orphanage or maybe end it in the wastebasket of some doctor's back room?!"

"It's got to be better than having a bitch like you around!"

Ritsuko stood up and slapped Rei hard, causing Shinji to flinch at the sound. "Dammit! I wish I'd never given birth to you!" she blurted.

Rei's eyes went wide. "Gave... birth... to me?"

Both of the them were so shocked, Rei at hearing that and Ritsuko at letting the long held secret slip, that they didn't hear Shinji's startled cry from outside. They also didn't hear it when he slipped from the ledge and fell three stories into a pile of garbage.

Ritsuko stumbled backwards as she realized what she had just blurted. "Oh... Rei..." She took a step towards her 'daughter', holding out a shaky hand.

"I'm your... daughter?" Rei gasped, not wanting it to be true.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I was only fifteen when I gave birth to you.

Mom... my mom... thought it would be better if she raised you."

Rei fell to the floor and stared at the ground, refusing to acknowledge what she'd just been told. "No... no... you're trying to trick me."

Ritsuko looked sadly at Rei and fourteen years of lying came to a sudden end. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth," she said softly. Tears came to Ritsuko's eyes as she realized that she could finally tell her daughter the truth. A part of her hated the lies and cherished the chance to tell all. "I didn't want to give you up, but my mom insisted.

She didn't want to drag her families' good name through the dirt, although I never knew what was so special about the Akagi name that had her so worried. In the end she paid some corrupt politician to get your birth certificate to read 'Rei Ayanami' and adopted you," she explained, then added a sarcastic afterthought, "I think she even won some humanitarian of the year award for her good deed of adopting an orphan."

"No! This can't be... I'm nothing like you!" Rei insisted, but deep down she felt the truth behind Ritsuko's words. Her grandmother, who Rei had thought was her adoptive mother, was always worried about appearances. No matter what Rei did, her grandmother had always scolded Rei about how it reflected on her and their family. Some family. She huffed and glared at the woman who she once called a sister. Now she didn't know how to think of her birth mother, Ritsuko.

"Unfortunately, you are all too much like me. I've tried to be a mother to you as best I could and keep you from making the same mistakes that I did, but you always resisted."

Rei jumped to her feet and shouted. "How could you both lie to me for my whole life! I hate you!" She ran from her room and down the hall.

"Rei, wait!"

"Bite me!" Rei called back.

Ritsuko started to go after her, but then decided that there wasn't anything she could say right now that would help. The chance to make things right with her daughter had passed years ago when a then eight-year-old Rei asked who her real mother was. "I'm sorry, Rei. I should have told you back then. I only went along with my mom's plan because I love you." She slunk to her knees and started to cry. The front door was heard slamming.

* * *

Asuka, who was dressed in a pretty dress with her face made up, stood in front of her apartment. She fidgeted and looked at her watch again. "Where is Shinji?"

* * *

At that moment, one Shinji was lying unconscious in a pile of garbage.

In the theater, the other Shinji was staring vacantly into nothingness. He trembled as he saw his perfect world start to rot, like a pile of garbage left in the sun too long. Rei was at his side and held his hand to comfort him. Asuka was laughing her head off.


	10. Love Bites!

Garden of Eva 0:9 - Love Bites!

* * *

"No! This can't be... I'm nothing like you!" Rei insisted, but deep down she felt the truth behind Ritsuko's words. Her grandmother, who Rei had thought was her adoptive mother, was always worried about appearances. No matter what Rei did, her grandmother had always scolded Rei about how it reflected on her family. Some family. She huffed and glared at the woman whom she once called a sister. Now she didn't know how to think of her birth mother, Ritsuko.

"Unfortunately, you are all too much like me. I've tried to be a mother to you and keep you from making the same mistakes that I did, but you always resisted."

Rei jumped to her feet and shouted. "How could you both lie to me for my whole life?! I hate you!" She ran from her room and down the hall.

"Rei, wait!"

"Bite me!" Rei called back.

Ritsuko started to go after her, but then decided that there wasn't anything she could say right now that would help. The chance to make things right with her daughter had passed years ago when a then eight-year-old Rei asked who her real mother was. "I'm sorry, Rei. I should have told you back then. I only went along with my mom's plan because I love you." She slunk to her knees and started to cry. The front door slammed shut.

* * *

Asuka, who was dressed in a pretty dress with her face made up, stood in front of her apartment. She fidgeted and looked at her watch again. "Where is Shinji?"

* * *

At that moment, one Shinji was lying unconscious in a pile of garbage.

In the theater, the other Shinji was staring vacantly into nothingness. He trembled as he saw his perfect world start to rot, like a pile of garbage left in the sun too long. Rei was at his side and held his hand to comfort him. Asuka was laughing her head off.

* * *

Rei rushed out of her apartment building and ran. It didn't matter where, she just ran. She stopped running when she heard a rotting pile of garbage groan, which garbage usually doesn't do in Tokyo-3. Well, maybe if it's left out in the sun too long down by the nuclear power plant. She looked into the pile and gasped. "Shinji?" She dug through the bags and helped Shinji out. "What were you doing in there?"

Shinji stood up, rubbed his head, and brushed the garbage off his clothes. "I... sort of fell off your ledge when I heard your sister say she was your mother."

"Oh, you heard that?" Rei asked, lowering her head awkwardly.

Shinji nodded. "I don't know what to do... everything I know is a lie."

Tears started to flow from her eyes again. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing. This isn't your fault, no one chooses their parents.

Trust me, I'd trade my father for a new one in a second. Ummm... I don't know what... err..." Shinji lost his train of thought after an impressive start. He looked nervously at her. "Damn, I'm no good at this stuff!"

Rei smiled at Shinji's uneasiness and snuggled up to his arm.

"That's okay, just hold me. That's all I need right now."

Shinji wrapped his arm around Rei and they started walking through the streets without any real destination in mind.

* * *

Dawn. A simple word that is used to describe one of the most glorious events known to mankind. This particular dawn shone its light over the streets of Tokyo-3, casting long shadows across the ground. For some reason, the shadows seemed to look like naked women.

In a small park, Shinji shielded his eyes from the sudden light that flared in his eyes. As his eyes adjusted to the glare, he looked down and saw Rei sleeping with her head in his lap. He smiled. To hear Touji talk, girls were only good for having sex with. Spending the night wandering the streets holding hands with Rei and just talking was more pleasurable that anything he had ever done or could imagine. They had stumbled across this small park and then cuddled together before sleep claimed them.

Somehow, the thought of finding someplace to have sex hadn't even occurred to him last night. It was occurring to him at that moment because of the erection he had. He tried to ignore it as he remained still and gently stroked Rei's hair. "Morning," he said, when she finally stirred.

Rei looked up at Shinji and smiled. "Good morning. Is that an erection in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Shinji laughed. "Both."

Rei rose and gave Shinji a deep kiss. "So what do we do now?"

"I don't know."

"I'm not going back to my place."

"I understand. Err... do you want to go to school?"

"Not really, I don't even have my uniform," Rei said.

Shinji suspected that her uniform wasn't only reason she didn't want to go to school. "Let's just find someplace to have breakfast and then see what happens."

"Okay."

* * *

Misato sat on top of Kensuke's lap and bounced up and down.

"Yeeeeeee ha! Ride 'em... cowboy!" she cried out between pants.

Kensuke's face was strained as he watched Mistao's breasts bounce up and down.

Misato screamed in ecstasy as she felt something fill her up.

Misato screamed in terror and sat upright suddenly. She looked around and noticed she was in her apartment and lying in a pool of her own vomit. "When did I get home?" she muttered, and dragged herself to her bathroom, stripping off her clothes on the way. She slid the door open to the bathroom and then gasped as she saw Kensuke sitting in her tub.

Misato lurched backwards and screamed in terror. I couldn't have had sex with Kensuke again last night... could I have? "Oh, you're awake."

Misato started at hearing the voice. That wasn't Kensuke's voice. She shook her head to clear it. After her eyes managed to focus, she saw it was Kaji in her tub. "Kaji? What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to see the most beautiful woman in the world, of course,"

Kaji said and stood up.

In the theater, Asuka was trying to look around the Misato in the bathroom to get a look at the naked Kaji. "Dammit, get out of the way!"

Not for the first time, she wished the viewpoint had multiple angles.

"Oh, sit down and enjoy the show. If that Misato is anything like me, she'll be beating him up in no time!" Misato said from her nest of torn-up Kaji pictures.

"Nope, they are going at it like squirrels in heat," Asuka mentioned.

"What!" Misato screamed and raced over to look at the viewpoint that Asuka was watching. "They are not!" she screamed when she saw that Misato and Kaji were just standing close and talking. Well, Kaji was talking and Misato was screaming.

"Made you look!"

Misato glared at Asuka. "Damn, I should never have put you in Unit Two before Third Impact. Then I wouldn't have to put up with you now."

Back in the bathroom, Kaji just grinned and smiled charmingly while Misato scolded him. When Misato finished her tirade, Kaji spoke. "I'm sorry, but I had to get you out of my house before Maya could find out that I really love only you. If I lose her father's support I can kiss the election goodbye."

"Why didn't you ever tell me all this before?!"

"Because I have to be careful. Ever since that scandal with that American President back before Second Impact, the public will forgive an affair while in office, but not before," Kaji explained, taking a step closer toward Misato.

Misato had to think about Kaji's statement for a while before she thought she understood. "I guess that makes sense," she said softly, but was uncertain exactly why it made sense. Then she suddenly recalled some details of that affair. "But am I going to be your wife or the mistress with the bad fashion sense?"

"You will be my wife, of course. Maya is only there for the political benefits. Once I'm in office, she's history."

"Kaji, I never knew you were so devious," Misato commented, then closed the final gap between her and Kaji. She slipped into his waiting arms and leaned up for a kiss. He obliged her.

Misato sat on the floor of the theater and sniffled. "I knew that Kaji really loved me," she said, wiping her eyes.

Asuka glanced back at Misato's nest of torn-up Kaji pictures and smirked. "Yeah, I know you trusted him all along." Then she started to stare at the viewpoint as Misato and Kaji took advantage of their being naked and in the bathroom. "Hmmm, I guess Shinji is a little longer,"

she commented as she hit the freeze frame on the remote.

"Told you so," Misato said, smiling at the happy couple enjoying their bath in front of her. Not that they were really taking a bath, mind you. "Hit slow motion, will ya?"

Asuka gladly complied and then hit the record button as well.

Purely for archival purposes, mind you.

* * *

Ritsuko wandered the streets looking for Rei. Her mascara was running from the tears she'd been shedding since Rei had run out the night before. Dammit, Rei, where are you?

* * *

Asuka was standing in the Ikari apartment's entryway wearing her school uniform and holding her book bag. "So he didn't come home last night?"

"No, I'm afraid not. My husband said he was going to look for him before work," Yui said, looking very worried.

Asuka frowned. "I wonder where he is. It's not like him to stand me up."

"Oh, are you two dating?"

Asuka blushed. "Err... sort of. Last night would have been our first date. I hope he's okay."

"How nice. Everyone says that you two would make a cute couple,"

Yui said, pulling Asuka into a hug.

In the theater, Asuka smirked and looked over at Rei. "Ha!" Rei ignored the redhead.

"Well, if he doesn't show up for school, I'll get the gang to look for him afterwards," Asuka said as she left the apartment.

"Thank you, Dear. And welcome to the family," Yui said as the door closed.

Asuka frowned. Gee, I only said we were going on one date. I'm hardly going to marry a little boy like Shinji. Although, little boys do grow into men. She walked towards school, trying to keep a lookout for Shinji on the way.

* * *

That afternoon, Shinji and Rei were sitting in a cafe, nursing a couple of bottomless cups of tea. The waitress strolled up. "Is there anything I can get you to eat... YET?" she asked, curtly.

"Um... no thank you," Rei said quietly.

After the waitress left, Shinji leaned over to Rei. "I don't think that waitress is going to let us stay too much longer. Maybe we should decide what to do now. "

Rei sighed. "I know. I'm not going back to my place. Err... can I spend the night at your place?"

Shinji gulped. "Well, err... my parents are home."

Rei smiled knowingly. "I know. I just need someplace that I can think. You know, away from my sis... mother."

Shinji blushed at realizing he had jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"I guess I can tell my mom that you're having problems at home. She's pretty good about stuff like this."

"That's the truth. I'm not even sure I know what a home is anymore," Rei commented. She slid out of the booth and stood up.

Shinji put some coins down and took her hand as they walked out of the restaurant together.

A while later they were headed towards Shinji's home when Rei glanced down a side street and noticed some neon signs in the distance.

She stopped suddenly and grinned.

Shinji looked back at Rei. "What's wrong?"

"How much money do you have on you?" Rei asked.

"A few thousand Yen, why?"

"I think maybe... I like your original thought about tonight better," Rei said, smiling devilishly. She then pulled Shinji down the side street towards a row of hotels.

"What?" Shinji asked, then realized where Rei was pulling him.

"Err... a love hotel?"

Rei blushed and nodded. "Is it okay?"

Shinji gulped and nodded, causing Rei to smile broadly. "I think...

that I..." Shinji was interrupted by a shrill voice from behind them.

"Shinji! What the hell are you doing!" the voice cried out.

Shinji tripped over a crack in the sidewalk when he recognized the voice. When he looked up from the ground, he saw Asuka running up to them. "Err... hi, Asuka."

"Hi? Hi?! The gang and I have been looking all over for you, you piece of garbage!" Asuka shouted.

"Why?" Shinji asked, wondering if Asuka smelled the garbage from last night.

"Why?! You little dork! Your mom is worried sick about you not coming home last night and you skip school, apparently with Rei, and you ask why?" Asuka said, or screamed, in this case.

"Damn, I should have called my mom. Asuka, I..." Shinji said, but Rei interrupted him.

"Good afternoon, Asuka," Rei said calmly, not looking up from the sidewalk.

Asuka wasn't sure how to respond to the calm greeting, so she just returned it. "Good afternoon, Rei. Err... Shinji can I talk to you?" She nodded her head away from Rei.

"Err... sure." Shinji followed Asuka a short way down the street while Rei calmly waited.

Keeping her voice down, Asuka leaned over to Shinji. "Why did you stand me up last night, you bastard?!"

Shinji looked confused, but then he remembered their date. "Oh no!

I'm sorry, Asuka!"

"You will be! Standing me up and then sleeping with that dirty little lesbian!" Asuka ignored the fact that if Shinji did sleep with Rei, then she wouldn't be a lesbian. Bi maybe, but not a lesbian.

"I didn't sleep with her!" Shinji insisted, loudly. After blushing and looking around at the passing pedestrians, he spoke in a soft tone.

"It's complicated. Rei found out last night that she wasn't really adopted and that the woman she thought was her sister, was really her mother."

Asuka gasped and recoiled in shock. "That's terrible. No wonder she's so screwed up."

Shinji wanted to correct her, but a part of him knew she was right.

Rei did have some very serious problems. "I know, but WE are her friends, so I think we should try to make her feel better."

"I don't know..."

"Asuka, can you just please get over that stupid kiss? It didn't mean anything. She needs her friends now more than ever."

"Well... okay. You'll just have to pay me back by taking me to some really great place for our makeup date." Asuka winked, turned around, and walked over to Rei. She didn't notice Shinji get very nervous at the mention of the date.

Asuka slipped in beside Rei and wrapped her arm around the girl.

"Shinji told me what happened. I'm sorry." She was a little amazed to find that she meant it. Despite her anger at Rei kissing her, Asuka did like Rei as a friend. Probably.

Rei sniffled. "Thanks. I can't believe that my sister wo... err...

my mother would do this to me."

"Yeah, well, parents can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

Sometimes when my mom nags me over the stupidest things, I just want to strangle her." She then started listing examples. "Asuka, pickup your clothes. Asuka, put your books away. Asuka, stop mast... err... but you get the idea." She blushed before finishing. "Cheer up, kiddo, let's go find the gang. We'll just hang out and you can forget your troubles."

"I don't know..." Rei glanced awkwardly at Shinji.

Shinji was a little surprised at how caring Asuka sounded. "Come on, Rei, we're all your friends. Right, Asuka?"

Asuka paused for a second, but then agreed. "Of course, let's go have some fun!" She grabbed Rei's hand and pulled her down the street.

Shinji followed after adjusting something in his pants that had become noticeable.

* * *

"Unit 01, Angel at eight o'clock."

"Ahhh, at least I have two hours to prepare for it then," Shinji remarked, just before the Angel sliced his Eva in half.

"That sense of humor is never going to win us the championship, Shinji," Asuka said, while she sliced the legs and one other appendage off the anatomically correct Angel standing in front of her.

"This was a good idea, Asuka," Shinji remarked, looking over at Rei while his Eva regenerated. She was using Unit 00 to hack apart a bunch of Angels that had taken on Ritsuko's appearance.

"Yes, Rei seems to letting her anger out all right. How'd she get the Angels to change into the image of her mother anyway?" Asuka asked.

She flinched when she saw Rei slice another Ritsuko in half, starting at the groin and slicing upwards.

Shinji had just started to grapple with an enemy Eva drone when he responded. "I don't know, she's always seemed to know all the secrets of this game." He thrust upwards with his progressive knife and gutted his enemy, causing the multicolored guts to ooze out onto the ground.

The battle went on. The gang worked on some team movements. Well except for Rei and Kensuke, who had other things on their mind. Rei was preoccupied with killing every Ritsuko on the battlefield, and doing a pretty thorough job of it, while Kensuke was off by himself playing the sex-cheat version of the game.

"Kensuke, are you going to train for the championship or just keep screwing those female Angels?" Asuka asked, after spotting Kensuke on the edge of the battlefield.

Kensuke's Unit 10 had its unit inserted into the female Angel and was rocking back and forth. He didn't reply to the question.

"Damn, what's gotten into Kensuke?" Asuka asked the others.

Without thinking, Touji responded. "Looks like he's the one who has gotten into... urk..." He suddenly went silent, realizing he'd almost said something vile and lost his bet with Hikari.

Over in her entry plug, Hikari smiled. She switched to a private channel with Touji before speaking. "Close call there, Slick. You almost said something vile."

"What and lose out on the prize?" Touji said, winking. Fortunately, Hikari couldn't see the wink.

While Hikari was thinking if that was a vile comment or not, she sliced an enemy Eva's head off. "I guess that wasn't vile."

"Damn, right it wasn't," Touji agreed, then suddenly yelled out.

"Hikari, to your left!"

Hikari looked quickly to her left, while jumping backwards. It was lucky she did, since the Angel that had leapt at her flashed through the air in front of her. Hikari managed to raise one of her progressive swords and sliced an arm off the gelatinous Angel. A sparkle appeared in her eye as she realized how to deal with this Angel. Her Eva jumped onto the Angel and bit into its neck.

Touji dealt with an enemy Eva unit had blindsided him while he warned Hikari. He then looked over to his girlfriend. "Taste good?"

"Not as good as you do," Hikari said, looking up from the Angel's stomach she was finishing devouring.

"Ha! Vile comment!" Touji pointed out.

"So? You're the one who can't say anything vile," Hikari reminded him.

Touji frowned. "Oh, yeah... Hey! You haven't tasted me yet."

Hikari chuckled. "You'd be surprised at how tasty your lips are."

"I can't wait to taste your lips, hot stuff. Both sets."

Hikari went silent and gasped. Shit, I was sort of hoping he'd make it for the two weeks. She was about to scold Touji, when she was gutted by an Angel. It ripped into her Eva's chest cavity and started ripping out various organs, rendered in vivid detail in the game display. Before her screens went dark, she saw Touji's Eva slice her killer into sushi. "Thanks, Touji, but I'm afraid you lost the bet with that last comment."

For the rest of the game, Hikari and the others had to mute Touji's comm system to avoid hearing expletives that no human being should ever hear.

* * *

The gang stood waiting for Shinji to get off the phone. "I'm sorry, Mom. A friend needed my help last night and I forgot to call," Shinji said, and listened some more. "Yes." Another pause. "Yes." He glanced at his friends, then whispered into the phone. "I love you too, Mom."

"Awww, Shinji loves his mommy!" Touji chided him.

Shinji blushed and Rei trembled.

"And what is wrong with that, Suzuhara?" Hikari said, pulling on Touji's ear.

Touji gasped. "Owwwww... nothing. I'm sorry, Pumpkin." Hikari released his ear, which Touji promptly rubbed.

"At least Shinji has a mother that didn't lie to him all his life,"

Rei softly commented.

Everyone frowned. Before Shinji could comfort Rei, Asuka slid next to the trembling girl and put an arm around her.

Shinji was a bit shocked at how nice Asuka was being to Rei, considering the way she normally acted towards people and Rei in particular. It was a side of her that he had never seen before and he kind of liked it.

"Err... sorry, Rei. I didn't mean to bring up a painful subject,"

Touji said, still under Hikari's glare.

Rei smiled slightly. "That's okay. I'm glad to have you all as my friends." She wiped a tear off her eyelid.

"Group hug!" Hikari called out.

Hikari, Asuka, and Shinji got into the hug right away. Kensuke and Touji glanced at each other and then joined the hug.

As the hug continued, Asuka tensed when she felt a hand on her buttocks. At first she thought it was Rei's hand, but then noticed that she could see both of Rei's hands. Shinji, you naughty boy. She tried to decide if she should pound him or flirt with him. Deciding on the later, she winked and smiled at Shinji, who looked confused.

Hikari hugged Rei, feeling sorry for her situation. She frowned when she felt a hand on her buttocks, under her skirt no less. I wonder if Touji will ever grow up. She flinched when she felt him tug on the panties a bit. She shifted her position a bit to separate her from the hand.

Kensuke tried not to let the enjoyment he was getting from feeling up Asuka and Hikari show on his face. Damn, this is much more fun than fooling around with fake guns. His glasses had fogged up by the time the hug broke up, much to his chagrin.

The gang walked down the street, slowly breaking up. Hikari and Touji were first to depart, either to their homes or to find someplace where Hikari could ream Touji a new one for losing the bet. Probably the later.

Shinji and Kensuke walked behind the two girls, who were busy making girl talk. Shinji glanced over at Kensuke and was amazed to see that he was checking out the girl's butts. Of course, Shinji liked the view as well, but for Kensuke to do such a thing seemed very out of character for him. "Kensuke, did something happen to you?"

Kensuke pushed his glasses back up his nose and looked at Shinji, trying to look casual. "Nope, not really. Why?"

"Well, you've seemed so different over the past few days," Shinji remarked.

Kensuke shrugged and turned his head away from Shinji. "Well, nothing you won't go through someday."

Shinji stopped briefly, then caught up to Kensuke again. Is Kensuke in love with Asuka or Rei? That's the only thing I can think of that would explain his sudden change of attitude. Shinji decided he had to do something, unconsciously making a choice between the two girls.

"Um, I'd steer clear of Rei if I was you. I don't think she's in any shape to start a relationship."

Kensuke let out a loud guffaw. "Don't worry, Shinji, it's not that.

Just enjoying the view like any other man."

Shinji took a step back, noticed that Asuka and Rei had stopped and were looking back at them. "Oh, of course. I guess I can't blame you, it is a nice view."

Kensuke smiled and nodded. But nothing compared to a woman's ass.

These little girls are nice, but a woman in her prime is best. Kensuke separated from the group and headed home shortly after. The rest of the gang continued walking, each girl wishing the other would leave her alone with Shinji. Asuka was about to suggest Rei go home and talk things over with her mother, when a voice called out.

"Shinji!"

Shinji looked towards the source of the voice. "Oh, shit." He looked awkwardly at his friends as his father waved at him next to a row of vending machines. His boss, Professor Fuyutsuki, was with him.

Although Shinji was never sure why he was called 'Professor'. "Um... hi, Dad."

"Your mother just called me, Shinji. I understand you wanting to help a friend, but please call next time," Gendou said, placing a fatherly hand on his son's shoulder.

"Err... yeah. Sorry about that," Shinji said, glancing nervously at his friends. "You know Asuka, right?"

Gendou nodded. "Of course I know little Asuka! My, you've grown into quite a young woman." Asuka blushed. "I can remember when you and Shinji used to play and take baths together. You were such close friends."

Asuka blushed deeper and looked awkwardly at Rei. She didn't dare look at Shinji, for fear of losing control completely.

"Cut it out, Dad! You're embarrassing her" Shinji insisted. Not to mention me.

Gendou laughed and messed up Shinji's hair, in the way that every boy hates to have his father do. "So who is your other little friend?"

Shinji glanced at Rei. "Um... this is Rei. She came to town a couple months ago."

"Nice to meet you, Rei," Gendou said. He bowed slightly, which Rei returned.

"Yeah, she's the reason we made it into the Eva championships!"

Asuka said, patting Rei on the back. Rei looked embarrassed by the praise.

"Ah! I knew Shinji couldn't get into the championship without some help." Gendou started to laugh.

"Dad!" Shinji shouted. Then he tried to usher his friends away.

"Let's go guys."

"See you at home, Shinji," Gendou said, then started to work on the chicken soup dispenser machine with Fuyutsuki again.

"Pass me a fourteen-B nozzle flange," Fuyutsuki instructed.

"Yes, Professor," Gendou said. He pulled out a small tube from his toolkit and handed it to Fuyutsuki.

Fuyutsuki stuck the tube in the dispenser, causing a stream of chicken soup to spurt out of the machine and cover his face with chicken bits. He scowled and looked closely at the tube. "Idiot! That was fourteen-F! Are you blind?!" He wiped his face off and then picked a beak out of his hair.

Gendou started bowing profusely. "I'm sorry, Professor." He started rummaging through his toolkit again, pulled out another tube, and handed it to Fuyutsuki. The new tube looked identical to the previous one.

Shinji had been trying to get Asuka and Rei to leave the area, but Asuka resisted. "Shinji?" Asuka asked, staring back at the two men.

"Yes, Asuka?"

"I thought your dad was a high-powered executive in a global recycling company," Asuka said.

"Err... he is," Shinji insisted.

Asuka raised her eyebrow. "Looks like he's a vending machine repairman to me."

"Umm... well... he's just helping out today. Yeah, that's the ticket!" Shinji said, perking up at the end.

Asuka smirked. "Yeah, right." She finally let Shinji pull her away from the vending machines, but not in time to miss hearing what his father said next.

"Hey, Professor? Did I ever tell you about the time that Shinji wet the bed when Asuka came over for a sleepover?" he said, before the teenagers got out of earshot.

Shinji blushed deeply and looked at the ground.

"Shinji! You always claimed that *I* wet the bed that night!" Asuka glared at Shinji.

"Err... well..." Shinji stammered.

"Pisse-kopf! How dare you pass your piss off as mine!" Asuka snapped, and stomped off down the street. She was so angry that she forgot that she had wanted to get together alone with Shinji to discuss their missed date.

Shinji watched her stomp away and sighed heavily.

"I didn't know you had known Asuka for that long," Rei said, a touch of jealously in her voice.

Shinji looked around awkwardly. "Um, yeah. We grew up together."

"Oh. Do you love her or me more?" Rei asked.

Shinji wasn't sure if Rei was being serious or not. "Um, well...

until recently she never showed any sign of liking me like that. Um... I feel closer to you. I mean..." Shinji started to stammer, as he couldn't seem to force the words out.

Rei placed a finger on his lips to silence him. "That's enough for now. Let's go." She pulled Shinji down the street.

"Ummm, to where?" Shinji asked, nervously.

"Where we were headed before Asuka found us earlier," Rei said, winking.

Shinji gulped loudly, startling some passing nuns. Actually, they were probably startled more by the sight of the erection that was growing in his pants rather than his gulp.

* * *

Hikari glared at Touji. "Dummy! You were doing so good!"

"I'm sorry... but you make me so horny! Especially the way you handle the joystick in the Eva entry plug!" Touji pleaded from his knees and apparently was making up for all the vile comments he hadn't been able to say in the past few days.

Hikari shook her head sadly. "I guess you'll never change."

"I can! I'm really a sweet guy at heart!"

Hikari sighed. I know you are, you dummy. Why do you think I put up with your perverted ways? After several more minutes of groveling, Hikari knelt down in front of Touji, her buttocks resting on her heels.

"You're forgiven, but it's going to be awhile now before you get to see those lips now."

"Actually, I can see them right now... your panties have slipped,"

Touji commented without thinking. He did remember to drool, at least.

Hikari snapped her legs shut and stood up from her squatted position. "Pervert! Who do you think pulled on them before anyway?!" She swatted him on the head then stormed off towards her home.

A confused Touji starred at her retreating back. "What did I say now?" For once, he was innocent.

* * *

The bed was filled with naked flesh. Kaji rolled over on top of Misato and kissed her deeply. "I'm glad you suggested getting together again here after work. You are so much better in bed than Maya."

"Oh, so you've had sex with her?" Misato said, then crossed her arms over her naked bosom and huffed.

"Yes, but it's nothing like the love that we have, my sweet dumpling," Kaji said, giving her one of his most charming smiles.

"Oh god, Kaji. Do me now... and always," Misato said, then started to nibble on his ear. She shuddered as she felt his body press closer against hers.

A loud bang was heard as the hotel room door was kicked open and a short woman with short brown hair stormed in. "Kaji, you god-dammed mother-fucker!"

Kaji looked back and gasped. "Maya! It's not what you think!"

"Oh, I supposed you just tripped and accidentally inserted your penis into that woman? The woman you said meant nothing to you? Who you said was stalking you?"

Kaji put on his most charming smile. "Of course, she means nothing to me."

"I might believe that if your dick wasn't still inside her!" Maya screamed.

Kaji lost some of his usually charming demeanor and slid off, and out of, Misato. "But Maya!" He held out a hand for her. Of course, something else was reaching out to Maya as well.

"Jackass! I wouldn't have cared if you wanted to have a hundred sluts on the side-" Maya said, causing Misato to scowl. "-but to do this so close to the election is just plain dangerous. If the press found out, you'd be finished! And I can guarantee you that my father won't be making any more speeches on your behalf. You'll be lucky if he doesn't publicly revoke his support after this."

"Maya... Honey... can we talk about this? This marriage means so much to me!" Kaji exclaimed, causing Misato to scowl more.

"Oh, I'll still marry you, you bastard! I want... no NEED the prestige of being the wife of Tokyo-3's mayor. Other than that, you are worthless to me with that little dick of yours!" Maya said.

With an imagined cry of 'timber', Maya's words chopped Kaji's mighty pine down.

Maya smiled at the sight of Kaji's penis going limp. "What? You thought I actually liked having sex with that little twig of yours? Get real."

"Maya..."

"Shut up. Give her a goodbye fuck now if you want to, but don't leave the hotel together. There are reporters who spend their days and nights looking for sleazy little trysts like these you know. You two can have your fun AFTER the election and our marriage, but until then, if I see that slut within sight of you again, I'll arrange an accident for her." She turned and stormed out of the room, leaving a bewildered Misato and a Kaji, who wasn't half the man he used to pretend he was.

* * *

In the theater, Misato was swearing and stomping around the theater.

Asuka smirked. "Well, who would know that Shinji's version of Maya would be such a scheming and conniving bitch?"

Misato paused in her rampage upon hearing this. "Oh, I never trusted Maya in our old world either... it's always the shy quiet types that steal your boyfriends."

Asuka smiled and then quoted a statement made awhile ago by Misato.

"It's not real, you know."

"Shut up!" Misato snapped, then grabbed a handful of Maya pictures from the Xerox machine and began tearing them up.

Asuka ignored Misato's latest rants and looked back at the viewpoint. "On top of that, she stole MY line about the twig! The little thief."

"I believe you'd need a copyright lawyer to make your case," Rei informed Asuka.

Asuka chuckled. "Well... that's about the only good thing about Third Impact: It killed all the lawyers."

"Shakespeare would have appreciated that," Rei commented softly.

"Why?" Asuka asked.

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers," Rei quoted.

"Why? They're already dead," Asuka replied, confused.

"No, that was a famous quote by William Shakespeare."

"Geeze, that's ancient history!" Asuka said, brushing off her blunder. Knew I shouldn't have skipped that Shakespeare course in college to follow Kaji around.

Misato stopped her cursing long enough to mutter a rhetorical question. "Damn that Kaji. Why can't he just be a simple repairman like Shinji's father?"

Asuka giggled. "Kaji a repairman? Oh please, he's not suited for such a common job."

"Maybe, but at least then my other self could be happy," Misato said, wistfully.

Asuka looked at the viewpoint in front of her. "She looks happy.

They are screwing their brains out."

Misato laughed out loud. "Ha! Won't fool me again."

Asuka smirked as she looked at the viewpoint again, which was showing that Misato and Kaji were engaged in a sex scene that would be banned in most countries. Then a thought struck her and she tapped Shinji on his shoulder.

Shinji looked around and was startled to see it was Asuka. "Asuka?

Why didn't you pull my penis like you normally do to get my attention?"

"Ha! I knew you liked it!" Asuka gloated.

Shinji blushed. "No... err... I was just surprised... I mean...

erk!" His ramblings were interrupted when Asuka grabbed his penis.

"Yeah, right. Anyway, did you give your father a demeaning job on purpose?" Asuka asked, then let go of the penis.

"No, of course not," Shinji said, succinctly. He turned away, but smiled broadly as he returned to his trance.

Asuka noticed his smile. "I knew it! Little Shinji wanted to get back at his father for all the crap he did."

"That may be why his perfect world is starting to deteriorate," Rei mentioned.

"Gee, you think so?" Asuka remarked, sarcastically.

Asuka's tone of voice was lost on Rei. "Yes. If he was harboring any ill will when he first envisioned the..."

Realizing Rei was going into one her long boring lectures, Asuka tuned her out and looked back at the viewpoint showing Misato and Kaji in the hotel room. She gasped at what it was currently showing. She picked a small notepad off the floor and began furiously taking notes.

* * *

Misato screamed in pleasure as beads of sweat dripped off Kaji's body onto hers. "Did you mean it, Kaji?" Misato asked, staring at the ceiling while Kaji did his magic.

"Yes. I'm not going to marry her after hearing all that. The wedding is supposed to be after the election, so I'll just dump her after I get elected," Kaji insisted, brushing the hair out of Misato's eyes. "It'll be a bit of a scandal, but the voters won't remember it by the time for re-election comes."

"I love you, Kaji."

"I love you, Maya," Kaji said, while rocking back and fourth. As he realized what he had said, his eyes went wide. "Err... Misato."

In the theater, Asuka smiled. "Damn, that other Misato is so gullible. Or maybe not... ouch!" She cringed at what the viewpoint was showing. "Hey, Misato! You might want to look at this!"

"Yeah, right. I'm not falling for that again," Misato said, from a new pile of ripped up Kaji pictures.

Asuka smirked and returned to look at the other Misato chasing Kaji around the hotel room with a mallet. "Serves Kaji right for selecting the Shin Seiki Ranma fantasy suite."

* * *

Maya was walking down the hall towards the hotel exit when she spotted someone kneeling in one of the doorways. She stopped and gasped in surprise. "Ritsuko? What are you doing here?"

Ritsuko looked up from the door she had her ear pressed against in an attempt to hear who was inside. So far, she had not been able to identify Rei's voice in any of the panting or groaning she had heard.

"Maya? Um... I'm trying to find my sister... err... I guess I might as well start calling her my daughter now."

Maya gasped. "Oh my. She found out?" She strolled over and put a comforting hand on the blond woman's shoulder.

Ritsuko grasped the hand, desperately needing to latch onto anything for support. "She found out last night and now I can't find her anywhere. I thought maybe she might come to one of these sleazy hotels with that walking cock she calls her boyfriend."

Maya giggled suddenly. "Yeah, I know that feeling. I just had to chew out my fiance for seeing his mistress so close to the election."

Ritsuko couldn't help smiling. "You still stringing that fool along so you can get into the mayor's mansion?"

Maya nodded. "Do you need help looking for your daughter?"

Ritsuko smiled and placed a hand on Maya's shoulder. "Thanks, Maya.

You're always there when I need you."

* * *

Shinji nervously handed over some cash through the little window that the hotel clerk peered out of. The clerk handed a key and two towels to Shinji, then shut the window.

Shinji relaxed a bit and walked into the entrance with Rei. "That was close. I was afraid he was going to ask for some I.D."

Rei smiled. "Nawww... they don't care how old you are at places like this. Anything for a few hundred yen."

Shinji gulped as he recalled some of Rei's past. She must have come to places like this with other men... and women. Rei noticed his nervousness. "Come on, Shinji. Don't be nervous.

This will be the first time I've ever done it with a boy I really loved."

"What about your old boyfriend?"

Rei stopped in front of their room and shook her head. "That wasn't love... I may have thought so at the time, but he was just using me to gloat to his friends."

"I'm sorry. You deserve better," Shinji said.

Rei smiled and stepped on her tip-toes to kiss Shinji. "I love you, Shinji. Everyone else was just for the sex... to try and fill the void left in me by that fuc..." Rei took a deep breath to calm herself.

"You're so much more important than any of them."

Shinji blushed then opened the door and they stepped inside together.

"Shit!" Shinji gasped when he saw that there was already someone in the room and very clearly in the throws of passion.

Rei was even more shocked than Shinji because she recognized one of the naked people immediately. "Mother?"

Ritsuko looked over at the door. "Rei? What the fuck are you doing here?" she asked, although she knew very well why her daughter would have come to a place like this.

"I could ask you the same thing! Why are you fucking another woman?!" Rei screamed, pointing at the woman in bed with her mother.

"Well, Maya and I go way back. We ran into each other and..."

Ritsuko explained calmly.

"So you're... a lesbian?" Rei asked, astonished.

"What use could I have for a man?" Ritsuko said, slipping to the edge of the bed and wrapping a sheet around herself. Maya had awkwardly slipped to the other side and was silently getting dressed. "I mean, I've dated some guys, but men are really only good for their dicks."

Rei fumed. "I can't believe this! You said you loved me, but instead of being worried about me, you're here satisfying your lust with some dirty lesbian?"

"Don't talk about Maya that way! She's been my lover for years.

She's better than any man could ever be!" Ritsuko bellowed, then felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked around to see Maya had redressed.

Maya looked awkwardly. "Um... I really can't stay. If the press ever found out about us..."

Ritsuko nodded. "Sure. I understand." She leaned over and kissed the woman deeply.

Maya took a couple of awkward steps towards the door, the turned around and whispered to Ritsuko.

Ritsuko blushed, turned around and pulled something out of her.

Trying to hide it from Rei and Shinji she handed a long slender object to Maya, who quickly put it into her purse and departed.

"No wonder you think all men are scum. You can't pass judgement on every man just because you're gay!" Rei snapped.

"That's a laugh. Who was the one the cops busted for prostitution after she solicited an undercover policewoman?!"

"That was just for the money!" Rei insisted.

"Oh, that's so much better than doing it for love!"

"Well, I love Shinji!" Rei said. To prove it she kissed Shinji, who had just been staring in shock at the nearly naked woman in front of him.

"You little fool, that's what you said about Hasamoto! Is this one going to get you pregnant and then almost beat you to death as well?"

"No, I won't! I'd never hurt her!" Shinji blurted.

"You stay out of this, you little asshole!" Ritsuko snapped at Shinji.

Shinji straightened up and looked Ritsuko straight in the eye, instead of her breasts which was where he had been looking. "Shut the fuck up! Just because your life sucks, don't think that you can ruin Rei's life too! She deserves better!"

"Who the hell are you to lecture me?" Ritsuko snapped.

"I'm the one who loves your daughter! You should try it sometime!"

Shinji yelled, then grabbed Rei's wrist. "Come on, Rei, she's never going to change her tune."

Rei allowed Shinji to pull her out with him, briefly glancing back at her mother with a mixture of sadness and hatred in her eyes.

Ritsuko ran out into the hallway to stop them. In the process, the sheet she had been covering herself with caught the edge of the bed and was left behind. Before she realized the sheet was gone, the door slammed shut behind her. "Oh shit." She tried to open the door again, to no avail. She pressed her breasts against the door and tried to hide herself in the doorframe as a couple walked by. She smiled nonchalantly as the couple looked strangely at her. "What the hell are you looking at? Never seen a naked woman before?"

Awkwardly, the man answered. "Yes, but not with a vibrator stuck in her ass."

Ritsuko swore and pulled out the second vibrator that she had forgotten about in her shock and anger at seeing Rei and Shinji. Then she tried to jimmy the door lock. "Damn, how did Maya do this before?"

* * *

Asuka was laughing her head off in the theater. "This is so messed up. I never knew Shinji's mind was so twisted!"

Rei looked at the viewpoint sadly. "Well, that does explain why she hates men so much."

"I wonder if Ritsuko and Maya were really lovers in our old world?"

Asuka asked, not expecting a reply.

"I doubt it. Ritsuko was sleeping with Mr. Ikari," Rei said.

Asuka smirked. "Really? The way he coddled you, I'd have guessed he was doing you." She had hoped to get a rise out of Rei, but she didn't.

Rei shook her head slowly and answered softly. "No. I had to remain a virgin."

Asuka couldn't tell if Rei was sorry she couldn't do it with Gendou or was glad. "So why did you accept our bet so you can have sex with Shinji now?"

"I am no longer a virgin," Rei declared.

Asuka's jaw dropped. She grabbed some popcorn from Shinji's stash and pulled Rei down to the floor. "Come on, girl, spill it. I want details."

"It's not what you think."

"What is?"

"I did not have sexual intercourse to lose my virginity. I lost it when Third Impact was triggered."

"So I'm not a virgin anymore either? Damn, I didn't even feel a thing." Asuka pouted.

Rei shook her head slowly. "I have no information on your status as a virgin, but if you haven't had a penis in your vagina, you are still a virgin."

Asuka smirked. "What textbook did you read that out of?"

Rei looked confused and then realized that Asuka must not have understood what she meant, so she tried to say it in a way that she believed Asuka could understand. "Um, I mean if your honey pot hasn't been bopped by a rock hard cock then you are still a virgin."

Asuka just stared dumbfounded at the graphic description from Rei.

Suddenly, she wasn't that interested in finding out why Rei wasn't a virgin anymore.

Rei apparently took Asuka's dumbfounded look as still being confused, so she continued with her explanation. "Let me put it this way... If that-" She pointed at Asuka's folds. "-hasn't had one of those-" She pointed at Shinji's penis. "-in it, then you are still a virgin."

"Okay... okay! I understand already," Asuka snapped. She really should have learned not to talk to Rei anymore by now, but it's not like she had many choices to choose from since Third Impact. Well, I guess Rei's better than the little dickhead and the blubbering fool in her nest. She glanced at Misato, who was still sulking on her nest of torn-up Kaji and Maya pictures.

* * *

"Mom? Dad?" Shinji called out as he and Rei stepped into his apartment. He didn't hear a response, so he led Rei in. He checked the message board near the phone. "Hmmm, my mom is going to be late tonight."

"Are you sure this is okay? I mean, will your parents really let me stay for a few days?" Rei asked nervously.

"I hope so... but if I can convince my mom, my father will fall right into line," Shinji said, smirking at the end.

Rei giggled, then blushed when her stomach growled.

Shinji smiled and looked through the refrigerator. "Let's see what we have to eat." He tensed as he felt Rei press her body against his back.

"Make it something fast," Rei whispered into his ear, letting her hot breath blow across his earlobe.

Shinji's voice went high. "O... kay."

* * *

Yui pushed the door open with her butt and walked into the apartment with her arms full of bags. "Shinji, are you home?" she called out, but received no response.

She made her way into the apartment and into the kitchen. After she put the groceries away, she started to walk down the hall to see if Shinji was in his room. She stopped when she heard a knock on the front door. "Yes?" she asked as she opened the door, revealing a young woman.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for my daughter and believe that she might be with your son," Ritsuko said, looking into the apartment. She was wearing an odd collection of clothes that were stolen from various hotel guests while they were 'distracted'.

"Well, I just got home, but let me see if he's in his room," Yui said, then walked down the hall to check.

Ritsuko paused briefly, but then decided she had to follow and see for herself. Maybe that little prick's mom will hide Rei from me. Yui opened the door to Shinji's room, not noticing Ritsuko sliding in behind her. "Shinji are you..." She trailed off and gasped as she saw Shinji and Rei curled up in bed together. They were both asleep in the bed without any sheets covering their naked bodies. Both women gasped.

Yui turned around to see Ritsuko behind her. "Your daughter, I presume?"

she asked, calmly.

Ritsuko nodded and looked ready to kill. Or at the very least, make Shinji a eunuch.

* * *

In the theater, Rei smiled slightly and looked over to Asuka.

"Looks like I won the bet."

Asuka looked away from the smiling girl, not wanting to meet her gaze. Seeing Rei smile like that was disturbing enough, but knowing that it meant that she had lost the bet about which of their alter egos would be the first to make Shinji lose his virginity was the worst part. Not that she would admit that. "So what! Who'd want to fuck Shinji anyway!"

she insisted, not convincing either of them.

Rei continued smiling at the viewpoint.

"Fine, then fuck him already!" Asuka yelled, pointing at Shinji.

"When the time is right," Rei said gently.

Asuka frowned at the unexpected response.

* * *

"Rei, get up!" Ritsuko bellowed.

Shinji started at the loud voice and fell to the floor, waking up Rei in the process.

Rei rubbed her eyes and then saw Ritsuko. "Shit. What are you doing here, old-woman?"

Ritsuko flinched. "I was trying to find my precious daughter before she did something stupid! But I can see that I'm too late."

"I love Shinji, dammit! It's not wrong!" Rei yelled.

A calm voice stopped the argument. "Shinji. Will you and your...

friend... please get dressed and join us in the living room? We need to talk," Yui said, then pulled Ritsuko out of the doorway.

"Uhhh, sure." Shinji started looking for his clothes, looking nervously at Rei.

Rei slipped her panties on. "Sorry, I shouldn't have suggested this."

Shinji shook his head. "No, it's my fault for falling asleep."

Rei smiled briefly. "Well, you exerted yourself so much that you wore both of us out."

Shinji blushed. "I think it was the lack of sleep from last night in the park."

Rei finished putting her bra on and reached for her skirt. "No...

it wasn't, my stallion," she said, winking at Shinji. She leaned over and gave Shinji a peck on his lips.

* * *

Shinji and Rei were sitting awkwardly across from their respective mothers. Both were looking down at the floor, afraid to look their mothers in the eyes.

"Now then, is this your friend that you spent the night with last night?" Yui asked calmly.

Shinji fidgeted. "Err... yeah. But we didn't do anything last night... she really did have some problems with her... mother." He glanced at Ritsuko, a touch of hatred in his gaze.

"You shut up, little boy!" Ritsuko shouted.

Yui looked at Ritsuko. "Miss, please do not yell. This is my house and we'll discuss this matter calmly."

"Fine, then I'll take MY daughter and leave!"

Rei cringed and held on tightly to Shinji's arm. "No! I'm never going home with you!"

"Rei..." Ritsuko started, then went silent as Yui put a calming hand on her arm.

"If you care about your daughter, let's talk to them and find out what's going on."

Ritsuko looked ready to argue again, but slowly nodded.

Yui smiled slightly. "Now first, I need a little information."

* * *

A while later, Yui was brought up to speed on how Rei was adopted by Ritsuko's mother and a bit of her past, but no one bothered to talk about her miscarriage or sordid past with boys. And girls, for that matter.

Yui nodded. "I see. Well, Rei I can understand why you are so troubled. Finding out all that must have made you latch onto my son for support."

"No! It's not just that! I love him!" Rei insisted and gripped Shinji's arm tighter.

"I see. Shinji, how do you feel?"

Shinji wouldn't meet his mother's gaze. "I really wish you wouldn't treat me like one of your patients, Mom!"

"Just tell me, Shinji."

"I... I love her. I know it's silly, but I can't stand to see her hurt..." Shinji trailed off, unsure what else to say. Rei had smiled at his admission.

"I can see that both of your feelings are very strong. What about Asuka?"

Shinji started at the unexpected question. "Asuka? Um... why do you ask?"

"I thought she was your girlfriend," Yui calmly stated.

Shinji gasped. "Well, no... not really. She's a friend, but we aren't like that." He neglected to mention that he had almost started dating her recently.

"Oh." Yui frowned slightly. "So, how often have you been having intercourse with Rei?"

"Mom!" Shinji shouted, then blushed. "Never... err... well. That was our first time."

"Ha! That's a laugh after how I found you last night!" Ritsuko snapped.

"Our first uninterrupted time!" Shinji clarified.

"Are you using protection?" Yui asked.

Shinji blushed. "Err... yes."

"Good. Now then... Shinji, you're too young to be doing that. I understand your feelings, but I can't remain silent on it."

Ritsuko was getting very agitated and suddenly spoke out. "Can we stop all this bullshit and get to the part where I get to take my daughter home and away from this little asshole?"

Yui shot Ritsuko a stern glare. "Miss! I've asked you nicely to watch your language in my home. If you can't do that, you can leave now!

So far, I'm inclined to let Rei stay with us - separately from Shinji, of course - until you can calm down. Anger doesn't solve anything."

"Who are you to tell me what to do with my own daughter?!" Ritsuko asked.

Yui looked Ritsuko straight in the eyes. "It's my understanding that you are legally just her sister, correct?" Ritsuko gulped and nodded. "So until her legal guardian comes, I can't in good conscience let her go with you. I'm sure the police would feel the same way."

Ritsuko glared at Yui. "Well, my mom is out of town on business."

"I'm not moving out of Tokyo-3!" Rei insisted, knowing that her grandmother was really looking for a new job to avoid confronting Rei's problems directly.

"You'll go where we say."

"No! She'll stay here with me... as my wife!" Shinji blurted.

Rei smiled and gazed into Shinji's eyes. Yui smiled with pride at her son's mature reaction to his girlfriend's plight. Ritsuko exploded.

"Like hell she will!" Ritsuko yelled, grabbing Rei's wrist. She pulled hard, causing Rei to wince in pain.

Before Shinji could do anything, Yui grabbed Ritsuko's free wrist and twisted. In a flash, Ritsuko was sent flying over Yui's shoulder and crashed into an end table, flattening it. Yui looked down at the prone woman. "First, they aren't even legal age, and second, I think you'd better stop trying to bully her into doing what you want. Violence isn't the answer."

Ritsuko staggered to her feet and wiped some blood off her lip.

"You're one to talk."

"Say what you like, but I won't let you hurt either of them."

The awkward standoff was interrupted by the front door opening.

"I'm home!" Gendo's voice called out. He walked into the living room and looked confused at the scene that befell his eyes. "Oh, we have guests,"

he said, wondering why one of the guests was lying on the remains of an end table and bleeding.

"Yes, this is Shinji's FRIEND, Rei, and her mother. I'm afraid our son has just proposed to Rei here," Yui explained quickly.

Gendou started at the news, but then took on his best fatherly stature and voice. "Now, Son, you're much too young to get married, especially when you have that nice Asuka."

Shinji fumed. "Oh, who the hell cares about Asuka! I love Rei!"

In the theater, Asuka flinched at the comment. Rei glanced briefly at the redhead, still wearing the same smile as before. Asuka ignored the smile.

"Now, Son..." Gendou started to say, but Ritsuko interrupted him.

Ritsuko had walked slowly over to Rei and took her hand gently.

This calm action startled Rei, so she didn't resist. "Rei. I'm sorry about everything, but you really can't marry Shinji. Now or ever."

Rei grew angry again. "Shut up! You sound just like a scratched DVD! I'll marry him... with or without your permission!"

"You can't. He's... your half-brother," Ritsuko said.

"What?!" everyone except Ritsuko yelled out.

Gendou finally managed to get a good look at Ritsuko. "Oh... no..."

Ritsuko sighed heavily and pointed at Gendou. "Rei, this is your father, Gendou Rokubungi."

After the large thud caused by Gendou collapsing to the floor in shock, the room went silent.

* * *

And the theater exploded.

"No!" came Rei's startled gasp.

"Fucking your own brother! I love it!" Asuka said and burst out laughing.

"I told him he wouldn't like it!" Misato yelled from her nest of torn-up pictures.

Shinji shook out of his trance and dropped to his knees. "No...

no... that can't be!"

Asuka smiled and came over to Shinji. "'Fraid so... looks like you fucked your own sister!" She started laughing again.

"Shut up!" Shinji snapped, then shook his head slowly. "No... I didn't want her related to me... not after what I found out in the cloning tank."

"Cloning tank?" Asuka asked.

"Yes... I found out that Rei is a clone of my mother," Shinji explained.

Asuka looked between Rei and the Yui visible in the viewpoint.

"Really? I guess there is a resemblance..."

"What?" a startled gasp from Rei interrupted her.

Shinji looked over and saw that it was Rei who spoke. "You didn't know? I... I'm sorry, but Ritsuko showed us the tank with all the other..."

Rei shook her head. "I know I'm technically a clone, but not of your mother."

"Huh? But..."

"I was created during Second Impact. If anyone could be called my mother, it would be Misato."

"What?!" Misato's startled cry rang out, echoing off the distant walls of the theater. She staggered to her feet.

Rei nodded. "I was created using material from the Second Angel and your eggs. That is why you were placed in the escape pod... so that you could escape with me and the other First Children in your womb."

Misato started to tremble. "This sucks."

After Misato collapsed to the floor in shock at the news, the theater went silent.


	11. Families Suck!

Garden of Eva 1:1 - Families Suck!

* * *

Two hours before Second Impact.

Two men worked on a gantry surrounding... something. They snapped to attention as their boss, a middle-aged man, walked by. "You two, insert the lance into IT right there." The boss pointed at the chest of the... something, which had a circle labeled 'Insert Lance Here' written on its surface in crayon. Other notations on the glowing skin included: 'Stand back 3 meters', 'Elvis was here', 'Post no bills', 'Gendou was here', 'Gendou is a jerk', 'One more day of this frozen hellhole and I can finally see the new Star Wars movie', and 'What the fuck is this thing, anyway?'

Before the man got out of earshot, he turned and snapped off one more instruction. "No deeper than three-point-one-four decimeters."

"Yes, Doctor Katsuragi!"

After their boss left, the two men began to move the large lance into position using an overhead crane. One of the men looked around to make sure their boss was out of earshot and then leaned over to his comrade. "Where is Ikari, anyway? This is the final phase of the project."

"He flew back to Tokyo, something about dealing with some political problems."

"That's a laugh... he probably wanted to fuck that fine wife of his."

"Yeah, probably. Why else would he miss out on the final tests?"

For some reason, the two men suddenly thought they could hear ominous music coming from somewhere and looked around for the source.

Unable to find it, they shrugged and went on with their work.

"Lance of Longinus inserted."

"Depth three-point-one-three-nine decimeters."

"Skin has become permeable."

"Commence sample collection."

"Roger." The man guided a complicated looking apparatus against and then into the skin, which had been impenetrable before the lance was inserted. A large collection of equipment became scrap metal when IT was first found and they had first tried to sample it's composition.

"Careful not to twist the lance while it's in contact with IT."

"Do I look like a moron to you?" He casually moved a couple steps away from the lance.

"Yes, actually you do."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"You shut up!"

"Both of you shut up."

The two men snapped to attention as their boss passed by again.

"Yes, Doctor!"

They waited until their boss walked out of earshot, before continuing their conversation. "Why did Ikari leave Katsuragi in charge today anyway? They were always fighting about who was in charge of the project."

"I don't know. It seems odd that Ikari would let that guy get all the glory of the final stage in the project."

The two men paused again as they heard the ominous music for a second time. This time, they looked down to one of the lower gantries trying to find the source.

"Hey, Johnson! Turn off your damn Walkman!"

"Well, let's just finish getting that sample."

"Got it. Open the sample canisters."

The other man held out two cylindrical sample canisters. "What are they going to do with the samples anyway?" he asked, as he watched the other man slide the glowing sample material into the canisters.

"Hell if I know, I'm just following orders. I don't even know what they are going to do with IT."

Both figures looked up at the tall white figure that towered above them. It gave off a faint glow and seemed to pulse slowly, almost like a heartbeat.

Doctor Katsuragi leaned over a railing high above the two workers.

"Hey you two! Quit slacking off! Get half of that sample to the helipad and the other half to the operating room, stat! They have to finish their testing on the fresh sample before we finish the insertion! And Ikari... err... the test plan is clear that the final insertion must happen exactly at oh-nine-forty hours sharp."

"Yes, Doctor!"

The two figures snapped to attention and scurried off with the samples.

Doctor Katsuragi looked around and then gestured to his assistant, a young shapely blond. "Have you seen my daughter? I wanted to get her on the last flight out before the final tests."

The woman hesitated for a few seconds. "Um... no, Doctor. I'll call the living quarters and see if anyone has seen her." She turned away to hide the guilty look that crossed her face.

Doctor Katsuragi nodded and then returned to checking the checklist. He smiled as he saw that he was keeping everything on schedule down to the last second. See if that fool Ikari could do better than this! I'll show him who's in charge around here! -E- -V- -A-

Twenty minutes before Second Impact.

In a dark operating room, a young girl of about fourteen years old lay naked on the operating table. A doctor and a pair of nurses operated on her. Or butchered her depending on your viewpoint.

"It's finished," the doctor said, pulling a long instrument out of the young girl's vagina. "The sample material is now part of her womb."

He frowned when some of the material seemed to be slowly slipping out between the girl's folds. He used his glove-covered fingers to push the material back in. "Suture."

One of the nurses handed him a suture needle and the doctor put a couple of stitches across the girl's folds to keep the material in place inside the girl's womb. It almost seems like the material is trying to escape, but that can't be...

The doctor finished his sutures and put down the needle. "There, that'll hold it. It should inseminate her eggs and produce the First Children."

"Inseminate... right. We're not dealing with some drunk selling his sperm to a sperm bank to buy booze here," a male voice said from the shadows.

"You have a better term to describe the procedure?"

The man in the shadows took a long drag on his cigarette before answering. "Looks like she's being fucked by that thing Ikari has in the basement."

The doctor signed. "You don't like Ikari, do you?"

"No, not particularly. I think we're all being fucked by him."

The doctor looked over at them man. "He *IS* trying to save mankind."

"Well, forgive me for being skeptical that he's going to save the world with the help of a fourteen-year-old virgin's uterus," the man in the shadows said, exhaling a puff of smoke from his cigarette. "Virgin birth indeed."

"He, and the people he works for, are convinced that it had to be a virgin in order for the material we took from-" The doctor's voice suddenly softened, as if afraid to say the rest loudly. "-IT to work properly."

"Kind of convenient that your daughter, Ritsuko, wasn't a virgin then, isn't it?"

The doctor flinched at the accusation. "I am as dedicated to this project as you are. It's not my fault my daughter happened to get screwed by her boyfriend!" He didn't bother mentioning that he had encouraged her boyfriend to fuck his daughter to save her from being used as the host in this experiment. He didn't know what Ikari had in mind for the so-called 'First Children', but he wasn't about to sacrifice his only daughter's ability to have children to satisfy his commitment to the project. Since he had never had the time to spend time with his precious Ritsuko while she was growing up, he longed for the day when he could hold his grandchildren in his arms and play with them.

Well, once these tests are done, I can retire and go home. "Well, at least there won't be any problems getting the material through customs this way, but I still think Ikari has something up his sleeve." He took one last look between the girl's spread legs, grinned, and then departed with a canister containing the remainder of the sample meant for the girl's uterus. They'll never miss it. If Ikari does try to double cross us, this will come in very handy. He chuckled softly to himself as a plan formed in his twisted little mind. Very handy, indeed.

"Won't it kill her?" a young nurse in scrubs asked sadly. She brushed the hair out of the teenager's eyes.

The doctor looked over from where he was washing his hands. "Not if they get to her in time..." He stiffened, as if he'd just let something slip. "Never mind that now... Just get her dressed and then tell her father that he has to get his daughter on the next flight out of here BEFORE they begin the final tests on IT. And remember not to mention the operation to him."

"Yes, Doctor," the other nurse answered. She pushed the younger nurse away and started to dress the girl. As she put the girl's bra onto the girl, the nurse had to move a small cross pendant out of the way.

* * *

Fifteen minutes before Second Impact.

Workers scurried around the huge figure in the underground chamber.

A young man slid up beside a young female worker in a lab coat. "Hi ya, Baby. What are you doing after we're done with this thing?"

The woman didn't pause or look away from her work. "Oh, freezing my ass off running around naked with you in the snow up top."

The man grinned broadly. "Cool, let's get going, babe!"

"You idiot, I was kidding! I'll have tons of data to examine after we're done here."

"Plenty of time for that..." He paused and looked down. "Turn that music off already, Johnson!" The ominous music stopped. "Now then...

let's find a quiet corner and melt some ice with our hot bodies." The man gave the woman his most charming smile then leaned backward onto the apparatus that held the Lance and struck a pose he always assumed drove women wild.

It didn't.

What it did do was push the Lance of Longinus into IT another two centimeters and twisted it ninety-eight point six degrees counter-clockwise. Unfortunately, the harness the Lance was in made this extremely easy to do. But what do you expect from the lowest bidder?

Twisting the Lance while it was inserted into IT was not a good thing.

For instance, this meant that everyone in the base, except one fourteen-year-old girl, would die three minutes early.

It also meant the plans of a Mr. Gendou Ikari would be delayed for at least fifteen more years.

But the worse thing was that it meant that the young man would die a virgin. Not that those three minutes would have changed that.

* * *

Ten minutes before Second Impact. Make that seven minutes.

The Antarctic facility shook as an explosion vaporized one of the lower levels. Doctor Katsuragi raced though the shaking corridors with his daughter cradled protectively in his arms. A large red stain was spreading across her chest.

He saw the door to the elevator to the helipad just before it was engulfed in flames. "Shit... what the hell did those morons do to IT this time?" He looked at his watch. "Damn, they weren't even supposed to start for three more minutes. They are definitely fired this time." He looked around frantically, then ran towards the stairs, the corridor started crumbling around him. He cringed as the cold Antarctic air assaulted him. The outer wall must have been breached. A short time later, he stumbled out of the remains of a corridor onto the ruins of the helipad. He frantically looked to where the helicopter should have been. The only thing he saw was an escape pod and a trail of cigarette butts leading to where the helicopter should be.

"Damn, that asshole from Seele took it."

He stumbled over and opened the hatch on the emergency escape pod.

He gently put his daughter into it, then began to close the hatch.

Just before it closed, he saw his daughter's eyes open. "Father?"

Her eyes were the last thing he saw before he was vaporized along with most of the rest of Antarctica as Second Impact was initiated three minutes early.

Somehow, the escape pod survived the blast. Considering the escape pod was made for a Doctor Gendou Ikari's use in case of emergencies, this would not surprise anyone who knew him. The champagne and silk sheets, on the other hand, would be surprising to anyone who wasn't a James Bond fan.

The teenage girl and the First Children within her survived Second Impact.

That was until Third Impact occurred fifteen years later. And then the definition of 'survived' changed.

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: survive v. 1 continue to live or exist 2 live or exist longer than 3 remain alive despite (a danger, accident, etc...) Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'

\- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one):

survive v. 1 continue to bicker with Asuka 2 live or exist longer than the entire population of the planet Earth 3 remain alive despite (a power-crazed madman, Third Impact, Misato's cooking, Asuka pulling on my penis)

* * *

Rei finished explaining Second Impact and her origins during it to the gang in the theater. Shinji and Asuka were dumbfounded by the revelations.

Misato was tracing the scars between her breasts from the injury she sustained in her escape and then moved down to the smaller scars on her lower abdomen from when they removed her uterus. "So that's why they gave me a hysterectomy after I was rescued?"

"Yes," Rei replied quietly.

"Those bastards! To use me like that and then rip out my womb!"

Misato screamed. She could barely remember events in the months that followed her waking up in the escape pod. She was in no condition to ask why her vagina had been sewn shut or why a few weeks after her escape they had wheeled her into the operating room to remove her supposedly diseased uterus. "How could my father let them!"

"I believe he wasn't aware of their intentions. Originally they were going to use the daughter of the doctor who did the procedure."

"Then why didn't they?" Misato fumed.

"It turned out Ms. Akagi wasn't a virgin."

"Damn that Ritsuko! I bet she just let some boy fuck her to screw my life up!" Misato theorized, ignoring the fact that she hadn't met Ritsuko until college. "I guess I should have just let that little Toma brat fuck me when I was thirteen after all."

"That would have been a good idea," Rei agreed.

"Damn it... I can't believe you're my daughter," Misato said, looking at Rei with a mixture of confusion and sadness on her face.

Rei seemed to consider this. "I always wondered what it would be like to have a mother that didn't have a chipped rim."

Misato, Shinji, and Asuka all gaped in surprise.

Then Asuka smirked. "Gee, the little clone has a sense of humor."

"Do I?" Rei asked, straight-faced.

Misato felt her stomach again. "So I have a daughter. Something I had never expected to have."

"Good luck getting child support from the First Angel!" Asuka started to laugh. Everyone ignored her. She didn't like being ignored.

"Over the past year I had come to think of Shinji and Asuka-" She looked at her two former roommates. "-as the kids I could never have.

And now I find out I do have a child. Ironic that our little 'family'

here would wind up together despite all that has happened."

"Gee, Mama, can I go out and play?" Asuka quipped.

"Cut it out, Asuka," Shinji scolded. "This is tough on her."

"Oooooo, little brother Shinji is trying to be the man of the house."

"Well, I am." Shinji looked around the theater. "Do YOU see any other men here?"

"I don't see any men at all... just three gorgeous women and a little boy."

Shinji looked ready to explode then calmed himself. "Lucky me." He cast a sly grin at Asuka.

"As if... don't get your hopes up." Asuka turned away from Shinji to hide the smile that appeared on her face.

Meanwhile, a sudden thought crossed Misato's mind and she dropped to her knees. "All those clones..."

Rei nodded, then finished the thought. "...were not clones in the traditional sense, although we did turn out to be genetically identical due to the material from the First Angel. The embryos that survived were gestated in your womb after it was removed and expanded-"

Shinji interrupted. "Expanded?"

Rei nodded. "It was stretched and forced to grow using some of the technology used later to create the Evas. They put it on artificial life support and waited for us to be born a year later."

"A whole year?!"

"Yes, our gestation period was longer than a normal human."

Asuka smirked. "I always knew you weren't normal." She was ignored again. She REALLY didn't like being ignored.

Misato was shaking. "How many?"

"Excuse me?"

"How many survived?"

"A little over five thousand, I believe."

Asuka smirked. "Gee, think of the stretch marks if you had to give birth to them all." No reaction from anyone. Asuka was fuming inside.

Pay attention to me already!

"Five... thousand? And Ritsuko killed them all..." Misato's eyes could be seen burning.

Rei shook her head. "No. Only those in Toyko-3. Others were used in the dummy plugs, which the EVA series use... used. I believe every NERV facility had a group of me."

"You really get around, don't you?" Asuka remarked, not even receiving a twitch of acknowledgement from anyone.

"Why... why would they do all this?"

Rei shrugged. "In addition to my original function in Second Impact, my use as an Eva pilot and as a dummy plug became necessary when Second Impact occurred three minutes before Mr. Ikari was ready."

Shinji stepped forward and spoke with a shaky voice. "Ready for what?"

"I believe he was going to have intercourse with his wife and come to orgasm just as Second Impact was triggered."

The others just looked blankly at Rei until Shinji spoke. "Why?"

"I believe he thought he could control Second Impact if he was in perfect sync with another soul. That control would have allowed him and his wife to control my development into whatever form they choose." She looked sadly at the ground as she finished.

Asuka snorted. "Damn, what a lame idea."

"It might have worked," Rei said calmly.

"Huh?"

"The union of a man and a woman is the most powerful force in the universe." Shinji didn't notice Rei glance at him as she made her statement.

But Asuka did. "I saw that! Rei has the hots for Shinji!"

Shinji stared. "What?"

Rei blushed. "You embarrass me."

Asuka pounded Shinji on the back and pushed him towards Rei. "Come on, Shin-boy... fuck her already."

Shinji looked around and glared at Asuka. "Will you stop being so pushy, Asuka?!"

"Come on, I know you want to. That's why you set up that other Rei as a slut so you could spend your life in your horny little dream world fucking the clone!"

"I didn't set it up that way, dammit! Why I ever thought I loved you, I'll never know!"

Asuka, for once, was lost for words.

Rei silently looked between Shinji and Asuka.

Misato grabbed a bag of popcorn and sat down cross-legged on the floor. "Damn, and I thought Shinji's perfect world was twisted." She gulped down a handful of popcorn.

* * *

Ritsuko had walked slowly over to Rei and took her hand gently.

This calm action started Rei, so she didn't resist. "Rei. I'm sorry about everything, but you really can't marry Shinji. Now or ever."

Rei grew angry again. "Shut up! You sound just like a scratched DVD! I'll marry him... with or without your permission!"

"You can't. He's... your half-brother," Ritsuko said.

"What?!" everyone except Ritsuko yelled out.

Gendou finally managed to get a good look at Ritsuko. "Oh... no..."

Ritsuko sighed heavily and pointed at Gendou. "Rei, this is your father, Gendou Rokubungi."

After the large thud caused by Gendou collapsing to the floor in shock, the room went silent.

* * *

A while later, Gendou was cowering in a corner as Ritsuko finished her explanation to a very upset Yui and shocked Shinji and Rei.

"After I told him-" Ritsuko glared at Gendou, who tried to press himself deeper into the corner. "-I was pregnant with Rei, he disappeared. I looked all over for him, but never found him. Clever of you to change your name."

Yui glanced over at her husband. "I was always curious why you wanted to take my family name so badly after you got me pregnant and my father forced you to marry me, Gendou."

Gendou had started to scratch at the wall, in hopes of tunneling out of the room.

"You can hate me if you want Rei, but if Gendou had stuck around, my mom wouldn't have had to protect her families' so-called good name by adopting you like she did."

Rei glanced at Shinji, feeling a twinge in her heart. "I can't believe all this."

"It's the truth. I'm done lying about my... our past."

Shinji reached over and grabbed Rei's hand. "That's okay, Rei, this just makes it easier for me to protect you... as your brother."

A faint smile crossed Rei's lips.

"I'm proud of you, Shinji," Yui said.

"I am too!" Gendou said from his corner. When Yui glared menacingly at him, he suddenly started playing with a tire.

Yui shook her head sadly. He's been watching too much Shin Seiki Ranma.

* * *

Shinji and Rei walked together a few meters behind Ritsuko and talked quietly.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay alone with her tonight?"

Shinji asked.

"Yes. She's calmed down since she knows that you're my half-brother. I guess in her mind she doesn't have to fight me anymore since she's won the battle to keep us apart."

"She hasn't. I'll always be there for you."

Rei sighed heavily. "Don't take this personally, Shinji, but finding out we're family really sucks," she said, without looking at Shinji.

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to do everything and anything I can to make you happy from now on."

"Anything?" Rei said. She looked at Shinji with a slightly lopsided grin on her face, which didn't reveal and of the pain that she felt in her heart.

"Yes... anything. Err... we can't have sex anymore... but I'll always be there when you have a problem."

Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji." She leaned up and kissed Shinji gently on his cheek. She smirked as she noticed his reaction. "That's not exactly a good reaction to have towards your sister."

Shinji blushed and covered his groin with his hands. "Err...

well... most brothers don't get to do the things we did."

Rei snickered. "True, only in those sleazy hentai mangas."

"Rei, I do love you."

Rei nodded. "I do too. Too bad our father is a bastard."

"Well, he does have his good points. It's not like he's some evil maniac bent on destroying the world or anything."

"Not unless he's planing on destroying the world with vending machines." Rei smiled and Shinji laughed at her joke. "Well, I guess I'll have to spend some time getting to know him."

"Assuming my mom doesn't kill him tonight, that is."

When they finally reached the Akagi apartment and Rei found she couldn't take the final step over the entryway.

Ritsuko gestured from the doorway. "Come on, Rei."

Shinji noticed Rei's expression of uncertainty and offered something he hoped would help. "Um, Ms. Akagi, can I stay tonight? I think your daughter needs the support and I don't think I'm old enough to hear what my mother is probably saying and doing to my... our father."

Ritsuko smiled as she thought of the man she had hated for so long getting what he had coming after so long. But that didn't eliminate the image of Rei sitting on top of Shinji from the previous night. "And let you fuck your own sister again? Dream on, you little walking cock!"

"No! Listen... I love your daughter... my sister. I just want to protect her. That's all."

Ritsuko appraised Shinji for a few moments. "Hmmmm, for a boy and the son of that asshole, you're not that bad."

"Gee, thanks."

"Fine, but I'm going to make sure you can't do anything to her."

Shinji gulped as he thought of all kinds of horrid things that she could do. Many of them involved the removal of his penis. "Err... okay, but I'd like to have children one day."

Ritsuko looked crestfallen. "Darn. I wanted to add your penis to my collection."

Shinji started backing up slowly.

"I was kidding, you little meathead."

* * *

Shinji lay on the bed as Ritsuko finished handcuffing him to the bedpost. "Gee... I didn't know you were into bondage."

Ritsuko glared at Shinji. "It's this or my first idea."

Shinji gulped as he felt his penis retreat into his foreskin, like a turtle into its shell when it found itself in a turtle soup factory.

"Okay, but this had better not be one of those hidden camera shows."

"Of course not. Now be a good boy and get to sleep."

Shinji sighed and rolled over.

"Good boy."

The lights went off and then Shinji felt the bed bounce. "What the?"

"You didn't think I'd leave you alone so Rei could sneak in here so you can fuck her again, did you?"

"She's my sister dammit! I'd never do anything with her now that I know!"

"Yeah, I bet that's what all those guys in those hentai mangas said before they did the nasty with their pure and innocent sisters."

"Well, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sleeping with you."

"Just remember that I'm not your sister, so there is no reason for you to even consider fucking me."

"I don't want to fuck Rei because she's my sister, dammit!"

"So you still want to sleep with her?!"

"Yes... no... I don't know! This day has been very confusing."

"Tell me about it. Just you remember that she's your sister... give me any reason to doubt you're anything other than her brother and...

SNIP."

Shinji gulped. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Now get to sleep. Behave yourself and maybe I'll let you keep seeing Rei... as a BROTHER."

"Alright... all I want is what's best for her." Shinji started to fall asleep when he felt Ritsuko's hot breath on his back. "You know, this is the first time I've ever slept with an old woman."

Things suddenly became very painful for Shinji as Ritsuko tried to do her best to perform her original idea using her bare hands.

* * *

Rei lay in her bed and cried herself slowly to sleep. "Shinji..."

* * *

Gendou slept on the couch. Or tried to.

* * *

When Shinji awoke, he found that he was no longer handcuffed, much to his relief. He rubbed the marks on his wrists to make sure there was no permanent damage. Just to make sure he looked under his shorts to make sure everything was okay down there as well. He slipped out of the bed and looked around. He wandered out of the bedroom and looked for someone or the bathroom, whichever came first. He ended up finding the kitchen first. "Morning, Ms. Akagi," he said to the old woman who was preparing something at the countertop.

The woman who turned around was not Ritsuko, much to Shinji's surprise. "Oh, you must be that boy who slept with my granddaughter."

Shinji gulped. "Err... well..."

"Don't sweat it kid... the first dick I touched was my brother's.

Although *HE* never went all the way with me." Mrs. Akagi flashed a toothy grin.

Shinji was very stunned at the woman's manner. He had pictured Rei's grandmother as an old biddy, much like Ritsuko, but this woman actually seemed like the complete opposite of Ritsuko. "Err... yeah...

um... where's Rei and the ol... her mother?"

"They'll be back soon. They just popped out to get some more food for breakfast. We weren't expecting a new family member."

"Well, I'm Rei's half-brother... I'm not really related to you or your daughter." Shinji really wanted to leave, but if Rei was coming back, he wanted to be here for her.

Mrs. Akagi's expression grew stern. "You're FAMILY... don't forget it when you spend time with your HALF-SITSTER! Got it?!"

This was more like what he expected and Shinji snapped to attention. "Yes, Ma'am!"

Mrs. Akagi's expression softened again and the goofy smile returned. "Good. I'll forgive you fucking her once because you didn't know-and she is such a hot young babe after all-but do her again and..." She chose that moment to chop a carrot in half. The worst part of this statement, as far as Shinji was concerned, was that she never stopped smiling that goofy grin of hers.

Shinji watched the carrot fall to the ground. Suddenly, he wasn't very hungry. "Maybe I should leave."

"Nonsense. Go wash up and we'll be ready in a short time. Bathroom is third door on the left."

"Well... ok." Shinji made his retreat down the hallway, but not before hearing her last comment.

"And you'd better take a bath, I can still smell my granddaughter on you."

* * *

Shinji soaked in the bathtub, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling.

This was actually the first time he really had to think about recent events. "Great, I finally lose my virginity... only to find out she's my sister. The guys will have a field day with this if they find out. Of course, all of them are virgins, so I at least beat them to it. Too bad I can't talk about it. Maybe it's for the best that we never told anyone we were dating."

He continued to watch the steam rise from the water's surface.

"What a pathetic jerk I am."

"Maybe, but are you happy?"

Shinji started and looked over at the source of the voice. "What the..." he gasped as he saw a ghostly image of himself standing naked in front of the tub.

The ghostly Shinji repeated his question. "Are you happy?"

Deciding he was dreaming, Shinji answered, "I don't know. Finding out Rei was my half-sister was pretty shocking."

"Yes, I know. But are you happy?"

"Who are you anyway?"

"I'm..." The ghostly Shinji glanced off to the side, as if listening to someone. "The Shinji in your mind."

"What the hell does that mean?"

The ghostly Shinji glared to the side, as if scolding a red-haired girl for a lame suggestion. Then he turned back to the Shinji in the bath. "Just answer the question."

Shinji thought for a few moments. "Yes, I guess so. Even as messed up as things are right now... I do have good friends and a loving family... even if what my father did really sucks."

The ghostly Shinji paused and absorbed the information. "What do you think of Rei?"

"I love her. And I'm going to make sure she's happy from now on."

"Despite the fact that you can't be lovers?"

"Yes. I didn't fall in love with her for her body."

"Good luck, I can't promise happiness for you, but it could be worse."

Shinji splashed some water in his face, still wondering if he was dreaming. "Who are you really?"

"Just think of me as... a friend who wants everyone around you to be happy." The ghostly Shinji glared at the unseen person. "No! I'm not going to ask him that, Asuka!" He started to fade away, but not before his penis started to spin like a fan.

Shinji blinked a few times and then splashed some more water over his face. "Weird..."

* * *

"Come on! Ask him if he's going fuck me now that he can't do Rei anymore!" Asuka insisted. In this case, her 'insisting' included spinning his penis.

Shinji slapped her hand away from his penis. "I said no! The connection is broken already anyway." Shinji looked down at the storyboards in front of him. "Well, as we agreed, it was his decision.

I'm sorry, Rei."

Rei sighed. "That's okay. Maybe she'll be happier with you as a brother." She turned away to hide the tear that rolled down her cheek.

Misato walked up behind her daughter and put a comforting hand on Rei's shoulder. "It'll be okay, Rei. Even if that world isn't perfect, that Rei will have a loving brother to support her."

"I suppose. I wonder if most mothers would let a world like that exist where their daughter was so unhappy."

Misato flinched. "I do want you to be happy, Rei. I'm kind of new to this mother thing... Let's take it slow."

Asuka chose that moment to interject. "Okay, first thing a mother and daughter should do is..." She pushed Rei's face down against Misato's breast. "Breast-feed! Come on, suck away!"

"Asuka, stop..." Misato stopped speaking suddenly as she realized that Rei was actually sucking on her nipple. She gently pried the sucking child off her breast. "Um, Rei... you really don't have to do that. Asuka was making one of her jokes."

"Oh." Rei wiped the saliva off her lips. "I didn't find it particularly funny." Then she casually wiped Misato's nipple off.

Misato pushed Rei's hand away. "That's okay... I can take care of that." She turned away to hide her suddenly erect nipples.

Shinji had to turn away from the girls to hide his 'reaction' to all this.

* * *

Shinji got up out of the tub and began to dry off. He flinched when he heard the door open. He blushed when he saw Rei standing in the doorway. "Err... good morning, Rei."

"Morning, Shinji. Breakfast is ready," Rei said calmly. She glanced briefly at Shinji's groin and smiled. "You'd better not come dressed like that." She spun around and departed. The smile would be with her throughout breakfast, much to the confusion of her mother and grandmother.

Shinji sighed then looked down at his erection. "That's not the proper reaction to have to your sister."

* * *

"Mein Gott! Now the little prick is talking to his prick!" Asuka exclaimed.

"Shut up, Asuka!" Shinji said. He turned to Rei. "Are you alright?"

"Leave the clone with her mother, Shinji. Let's go fuck. I know you want to... 'cus you love me. Shinji loves me. Ha ha!" Asuka started to do a happy little dance.

"Just leave me alone with Rei, can't you?!" Shinji waved his hand in a dismissing motion. Suddenly, Asuka and Misato disappeared. He gaped at the spot they had been standing in just seconds previously. "What?"

"What did you do?"

"I don't know... Just this." He repeated the gesture, causing Asuka and Misato to reappear.

"You jackass! What the hell..."

Asuka was cut off when Shinji gestured again, causing Asuka and Misato to disappear. "Cool! I didn't know I could do that!"

"You have more power than you realize," Rei muttered, tears forming in her eyes.

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: family n. 1 set of relations, esp. parents and children 2 descendants of a common ancestor 3 close-knit organization

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'

\- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one):

family n. 1 set of morons, esp. fathers who cheat on their girlfriends with fourteen year old girls 2 descendants of a common philanderer 3 close-knit... never mind


	12. Dating Sucks!

Garden of Eva 1:2 - Dating Sucks!

* * *

Shinji lumbered across the battlefield in Unit One, searching for something to slice into tiny little pieces. He saw Asuka's red Unit Two with its assault rifle in hand and resisted the urge to attack her. He was getting really sick of her nagging him for the previous week about taking her out on a date. He decided to concentrate on the game instead, so he did a high leap and landed on top of a nearby building. "Where are all the Angels and enemy Evas?"

Asuka responded. "I don't know... this is really weird, Shinji."

"Be on your guard. I smell trouble." Shinji scanned the battlefield with the large assault rifle he carried. His finger rested on the trigger, ready to blast anything that moved.

"Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"You wanna fuck me?"

Shinji was so startled he jarred his controls. His Eva started firing randomly, tumbled from the building he was standing on, and then crashed to the ground with an earth-shaking thud. "What?!"

"As long as we have no enemies around, let's use the sex cheat."

Shinji didn't know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Err... we're supposed to be training for the championships here!"

"Screw that! Come on... you've been putting off our makeup date for the last week. At least let's have some virtual fun!"

Shinji gasped and checked the intercom to make sure they were on a private channel. He relaxed when he saw that they were. "I told you, Asuka... I've got family problems right now."

"And you won't tell your oldest and dearest friend what they are!"

"Right! So I'm certainly not gonna tell you!"

"You little dork... tell me. What? Did your father have an affair or something?"

Shinji flinched. "No! Just mind your own business!"

Inside her entry plug, Asuka screwed up her face. "Freak-a-zoid...

Okay, Shin-boy... have it your way." Then a sly grin spread across her face as she reached over and keyed a code into the onboard computer.

Before Shinji's startled eyes, Unit Two's armor fell off and revealed the naked female body underneath. As usual for the sex cheat, the armor covering the head remained in place. Shinji suddenly had to shift in his seat to allow a certain oak tree a little room to expand in his pants. "Damn it, Asuka... I'm here to train!"

"Such a boring little boy," Asuka muttered. Then, knowing Shinji would never have the guts to even fuck a VR girl, Asuka sat her Eva down and ran its hands sensually across its curvaceous body.

If it was just any female naked body Shinji might have been able to resist, but since the female bodies in the sex cheat were modeled after Rei's body he was having a real hard time resisting the forbidden fruit-a cherry in this case-spread out in front of him. A part of him wanted to pull his self-destruct lever and a part of him wanted to jump the Eva's bones. Stop thinking about Rei like that! She's your sister, dammit!

He was ready to turn his Eva around and go in search of something to kill, when he noticed that Asuka had progressed past fondling her Eva's breasts and had moved to explore the lower regions of the anatomically correct VR body.

That did it for Shinji. He couldn't see Rei's body like that and keep his hormones from overruling his reason. He fumbled with his Eva's armor release and then sprinted forward.

Asuka was shocked at seeing the armor fall from the male Eva unit's body. She stopped what she was doing and withdrew her fingers. "Shinji!

What are.." she cried just before Unit One jumped on top of her and inserted its unit into Asuka's unit.

* * *

The readers screamed bloody murder as the scene shifted to another part of the battlefield where Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke were fighting off hordes of Angels and enemy Eva units with a flurry of slashes and thrusts of their assorted weapons.

Rei was nearby grappling with an Angel which looked exactly like Shinji, at least in her mind it did. She was having trouble fighting something that she thought looked like him, so had already regenerated five times since the game started a couple of minutes earlier. "No...

No... No... Shinji!" Her Eva was beheaded and Rei felt a warm feeling spread across her panties.

"Not bad, Rei, but a little higher in pitch and you'll have it,"

Touji commented and sliced an Eva into three pieces using a large curved blade held in the center. Where is Shinji anyway? He looked briefly at his tactical map and spotted the indicators for Shinji and Asuka on the edge of the battlefield.

"Shut up, Suzuhara! She's having enough trouble in this game without your vile comments! I'm sure she was just asking for Shinji's assistance in fighting, not what your perverted little mind imagined."

"Obviously you thought the same thing I did... Oooofff!" Touji got the breath knocked out of him when Hikari kneed his Eva in the groin.

There was no way that Touji could have really felt that-the tactile feedback the game entry plugs provided wasn't that detailed-but he felt the pain nonetheless in his mind. "Nasty."

Rei's Eva returned to the game and she lumbered slowly across the battlefield towards a group of enemy Evas. She absently proceeded to hack them apart, with almost a mechanical movement. Anyone who knew how she normally fought, could recognize that her heart was just not in the game.

"Rei! What are you doing!" Kensuke's voice called out.

"Huh? Just getting some practice in... why?"

"You just hacked Hikari and Touji's Evas apart! Look at your tactical map!"

Rei glanced down at her display and swore. "Fuck! Guys... I'm sorry!"

"You didn't need to kill Hikari just because you were mad at me!"

Touji shouted back.

"I'm really sorry... I've been having some family problems lately."

Rei's Eva just stopped moving as she released the controls to cradle her head in her hands. Tears dripped down on the controls and suddenly sparks erupted from the cracks. "Oh, no!"

* * *

"Oh, Shinji!" Asuka cried, still unable to fathom why Shinji would do this so suddenly. She had assumed he would chicken out and run away with his penis hanging limp between his legs.

Unit One continued its... activity... until the displays flickered and suddenly went dead.

"Huh?" Asuka gasped, almost as if disappointed. "No way was that ten minutes!"

"Sorry, players... we have a slight problem. Please exit your entry plugs!" a voice called from outside the entry plugs.

"Damn, just when it was..." Asuka trailed off, opened her entry plug, and stepped out. Remembering that she was supposed to be mad at Shinji, she stormed over to his plug before anyone else got out.

"Dummkopf! What were you thinking?!"

Shinji hadn't gotten out of his entry plug and just looked timidly at Asuka's feet. "Sorry, Asuka... I don't know what got into me."

"You got into me, that's what!"

Suddenly, a thought struck Shinji. "Hey, it was your idea!"

Asuka flinched and blushed. "Well... so what! Try that again and I'll never let you fuck me for real!" She turned and stormed away.

Shinji frowned suddenly. "For real?" he whispered to himself.

The others passed by him on their way out. "Coming, Shinji?" Touji asked, pausing briefly outside Shinji's plug.

Shinji stirred a bit in order to look like he was climbing out.

"Err... yeah. I'll catch up to you guys... I have to hit the head before we eat."

"Okay," Touji said absently as he walked away.

When everyone was clear, Shinji crawled out of his plug and stealthily made his way to the bathroom, trying to hide the wet stain on his pants.

* * *

"What a klutz!" Touji exclaimed as he looked at Shinji's wet pants.

"It's not my fault that the faucet in the men's room was broken!"

Shinji blurted his cover story. He hoped washing the stain out and discarding his boxers in the bathroom was enough to keep the smell from being noticed.

"Yeah, yeah..."

"You know... we're never going to get past the first round with you all playing as lousy as that!" Hikari scolded them all as they walked.

"I'm..." Rei began to apologize, but Shinji beat her to it.

"I'm sorry guys... I've been having some problems at home. I promise that I'll get over it by the time we head to Osaka-2."

Rei blinked and was amazed at hearing that Shinji had a bad game too. She had been so out of it, she didn't even remember seeing him during the game. Seeing him for real that is.

Asuka was so mad smoke was almost coming out of her ears. She wanted to ream Shinji a new one, but she wasn't about to do it in front of the gang.

The gang walked in awkward silence, with only an occasional stilted conversation starting, before it met an untimely end as a subject came up that someone didn't want to talk about and would change the subject.

After the gang broke up, Hikari and Touji walked alone in a small park. "What do you think is wrong with Rei?"

Touji shrugged. "That time of the month?"

Hikari bonked him over the head with her bag. "Idiot. That has nothing to do with playing EVA!"

"How would you know?!"

Hikari shook her head sadly. "You are really clueless sometimes. Do you think Shinji is dating Asuka or Rei?"

"Huh? No way, Shinji tells me everything!"

"Yeah... I'm sure he does." Hikari's expression did not match her words. "I think he's probably fucked one of them by now." She knew there was no chance of that, but she liked how cute Touji looked when he boasted of his manhood.

"Not a chance! I'll be the first one of us to give the most beautiful girl in school my love juices."

"Damn, I thought you loved me and here you have the hots for Sana?!"

Touji frowned. "Sana? She's cute, I guess... but not a fox like you." He put on a charming smile.

Hikari giggled. "You are so easy." She reached over, grabbed his shirt, and pulled him down for a long kiss.

When the kiss ended, Touji smirked. "You big tease." Hikari smiled sweetly. Then Touji frowned. "Which one is Sana again?"

Hikari rolled her eyes and grabbed Touji's hand and pulled him away deeper into the park. "Let's just find somewhere quiet and make out. I really don't want to talk to you anymore."

Touji, being Touji, didn't even hear the insult and instead smiled broadly. Bet I can get into her panties tonight. Hikari noticed his reaction. Bet he thinks he'll get into my panties tonight... he is so transparent.

* * *

Because they lived close together, Rei, Asuka, and Shinji ended up walking together. As in the past, each girl wished the other would leave her alone with Shinji.

Finally, Asuka had to ask a question that had been troubling her.

"Hey, Shinji, what's wrong at home?"

Rei shuddered.

Shinji tried to evade, but Asuka grabbed his shirt. "Just tell me!

We're friends, right?!"

"Yeah... um... well, my mother is thinking of divorcing my father.

It turns out he had an affair a while ago." Shinji carefully avoided looking at Rei.

"Wow... err... that sucks, Shinji."

"Tell me about it." Shinji wasn't able to keep from glancing at Rei.

"I'm sure your mom will forgive him, she's pretty forgiving. You remember that time you burned all her bras? She forgave you then."

Shinji shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Hey! You're the one who burned them and blamed it on me!"

Asuka suddenly realized he was right. "Err... don't change the subject, Shinji."

Shinji decided he wasn't in the mood to fight with Asuka. "Anyway, they've been going to counseling since the shit hit the fan about a week ago."

"Well, no wonder you haven't wanted to make that date up to me yet."

Rei's book bag dropped to the ground with a loud thud.

Shinji looked around and smiled nervously at Rei. Asuka turned around and asked, "Something wrong, Rei?"

"No. I just dropped my bag!" Rei chimed, trying to sound chipper and retrieved her bag. Shinji wasn't fooled.

"Anyway, you really shouldn't let your parents' problems affect you so much. Can't stop living just because your parents are stupid."

Shinji nervously scratched his head. "Yeah... I guess. Hey! Don't call my parents stupid!"

"Aren't they?"

"No! Well... not my mom."

After some more awkward conversation, Asuka finally headed home, leaving the new brother and sister alone.

"So... you're dating Asuka already?" The jealousy was very evident in Rei's voice.

"No!" Shinji blurted, then calmed down. "Um... she sort of cornered me before we found out we were related and got the idea that I asked her out on a date... maybe I did sort of accept. But we never got a chance to actually have a date."

Rei walked silently for a few seconds before answering. "I see.

It's okay if you want to."

"Huh?"

"If you want to date her, I understand. It's not like we can anymore." Then Rei added a hopeful sounding, "Can we?" to the end that Shinji didn't seem to hear.

"I'm not really sure I want to date her. It doesn't seem right after all you've been through."

Rei smiled slightly and looked at Shinji in his eyes. "Thank you.

That's very nice of you, but we have to forget our screwed up past and get on with our lives."

"Well, if you're sure..." Shinji said.

Rei nodded, even though she knew her words hadn't come from her heart. Her heart wanted to look into Shinji's beautiful piercing eyes forever and kiss his lips forever and nibble his chest forever and...

you get the idea.

They walked some more, slowly being able to talk like they did before the recent revelations that they were brother and sister, well half-brother and half-sister, at least.

"So what about, Kensuke?"

Rei started. "Huh?"

"He's a nice guy and maybe..."

"I'm not ready for another relationship right now." Internally, Rei wondered if she'd ever be able to have a normal relationship after this.

Not that she'd had a normal one yet, of course.

Shinji frowned. So why am I then? Or am I?

* * *

"Hot damn! My turn!"

Shinji glared at Asuka and began to raise his hand to dismiss her, but decided he couldn't do that every time she bugged him or she'd never be around. A part of him wondered why that would be a bad thing.

"Whatever..."

Rei was off by herself, not doing much of anything, while Misato hovered nearby, trying to find something she could say or do to help her new found daughter.

Asuka beamed. "Now that we're going to be a perfect couple in your perfect world, we should fuck here."

"It's not perfect." Shinji slowly turned towards Asuka. "It's not perfect, and the problems there don't affect how I feel here and now."

"How do you feel?"

"I feel sick."

"Why? Are you pregnant?"

Shinji flinched. "What? I'm a man, men can't get pregnant!"

"Oh... want to make me pregnant then?"

Rei and Misato's head snapped around to look at the redhead.

Shinji sighed. "Not really."

Asuka frowned, she had expected a bigger blowup from Shinji.

"You're getting a bit dull, Shinji."

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: date n. colloq. 1 appointment, esp. social 2 go out together as sexual partners

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'

\- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one):

date n. cooloq. 1 awkward appointment, esp. after learning the girl you love is your half-sister 2 go out together as sexual partners and make hot passionate love to the gorgeous redhead known as Asuka (stop writing in my guide, Asuka!)

* * *

A few days later, Shinji stood in front of Asuka's door. After several aborted tries at knocking, he finally got the nerve to touch the door. After tapping lightly a few times, he shrugged and turned away. He had only accepted this date because Asuka was so persistent and Rei said it was all right, so his heart wasn't in the knock. "Guess she's not home."

Before he could take more than a couple steps, the door opened.

"Hi, Shinji! Cute butt!"

Shinji gulped and turned around. "Hhhhh...hi, Asuka."

Asuka stood in the doorway in a beautiful knee-length black dress that hung from her shoulders by a pair of small straps. She smiled sweetly and spun around. "You like?"

Shinji nodded. He was trying not to 'react' to seeing how sexy she looked in her dress. The fact that when she spun around she had revealed her pink lace panties didn't help matters.

"Well, Mr. Ikari, shall we go?" Asuka held out her hand.

Shinji nodded as he raised his arm and took her hand. The couple started walking down the street.

"Are you going to talk tonight?"

Shinji nodded, but remained silent as they walked since he was having trouble thinking of anything to say.

Asuka smiled. Boy, this must be his first date. Well, I'll take it easy on him. She totally overlooked the fact that it was her first date too.

* * *

Shinji and Asuka ate dinner at a nice restaurant, meaning you didn't pass an old southern geezer with a goatee as you entered the door and the food would probably be edible and chicken beak free.

Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Shinji put another chicken beak on the little beak plate and sighed. "Sorry, Asuka, I thought this place was nicer."

Asuka just smiled. "No sweat, Shinji. It's the thought that counts." She stood up and brushed the beaks off her dress. "Let's go for a walk in the park, okay?" She cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Shinji nodded and put down some money for the bill. Dang, Asuka looks cute when she smiles.

They strolled out of the restaurant and towards a small park, which seemed to have a lot of couples milling around. Actually, they were doing more than milling, much to Shinji's discomfort.

"So, you think your parents are going to get a divorce?"

Shinji flinched at the sudden question from Asuka. "Um... no... I think they are getting over their problems. The affair was a long time ago, so I think she's forgiven him... mostly."

"That's good. What do you want to do for the rest of the night?"

"Whatever you want to."

Asuka smiled and grabbed Shinji's hand, pulling him deeper into the park.

Shinji began to grow more nervous as he saw all the couples making out in all sorts of unusual places and positions. They were on benches, on the edges of fountains, on blankets, on tree limbs, on top of light poles, leaning against garbage cans, using cardboard boxes. One couple were even doing it on top of a sign reading 'No making out in the park.

Fine: 10,000 yen. Fine for making out on top of this sign: 20,000 yen'.

They passed one couple who were staring vacantly into each other's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Soup, we're alone at last!" the young woman said, as the man wrapped his strong arms around her firm body.

"No one can see us now, Ms. Noodle! " the young man said, ignoring everyone who was staring at them.

"Take me, my soup stud!"

"Oh, Ms. Noodles!"

Shinji looked away from the couple who was suddenly swapping spit like there was no tomorrow. "Um... maybe we should go somewhere else?"

"You said it was my choice." Asuka grinned mischievously and searched for a free spot. She spotted a young couple locked in a firm embrace on a park bench.

"Ushiko, wherefore art it, Ushiko?" the man asked, fumbling behind the woman's back.

The woman starred lovingly into the man's eyes. "Wherefore art what, Umao?"

"Wherefore art thine brassiere, Ushiko?"

"Doth it matterith, Umao?"

The man paused briefly to consider this and then continued. "No, my love!" With that, he picked up the woman in his arms and carried her off into the night, Asuka knew not where.

Nor did she care. She sat quickly down onto the bench the couple had just vacated, flipping a forgotten bra off in the process. She pulled Shinji down next to her, looked him in the eyes, and waited patiently for him to make a move. He didn't. "What's wrong, Shinji, don't you want to kiss me?"

"Err... I don't want to rush things."

Asuka smirked at his nervousness. "You really are too timid sometimes, Shinji. You seemed to like kissing me before." She batted her eyelashes a few times.

"Yeah, well... err..."

Asuka could see Shinji wasn't going to make the first move, she stopped his rambling by placing her lips on his. He was startled at first, but soon returned the offered kiss and the two teenagers were soon swapping spit with a fervor.

Several minutes later a voice interrupted their make out session.

"Ha! They look like two cats in heat!"

Shinji broke the kiss at hearing the familiar voice. "Ah...

Touji... how are you doing?" The single strand of spit that still connected his mouth to Asuka's spoiled his attempt to act casual.

Touji grinned broadly. "Not as good as you... yet." He glanced at Hikari, who was at his side and holding his hand.

Hikari glared at him. "I don't think we'll get that passionate, Slick."

Shinji and Asuka blushed while Touji's face sunk.

"Um... fancy meeting you here, guys." Asuka unconsciously moved away from Shinji.

Hikari smiled. "That's my line. Why didn't you tell me you two were dating, girlfriend!" She slipped in beside Asuka. "Spill the details."

Touji sat down next to Shinji and slapped him on the back. "Shinji, you dork! Why didn't you tell me you were getting some action from Big-red here."

Asuka cast death rays from her eyes at Touji.

Shinji looked awkwardly at his friends. "Um... it's our first date."

Touji's face fell again. "First date?" He looked at Hikari. "You said it wasn't proper to French kiss on OUR first date!"

"Well, Shinji's a lot more of a gentleman than you are, Slick. He'd never think of groping my breast like you did on our first date!"

Asuka smiled. "That's nothing, Shinji has..."

Before she could tell them that Shinji had done more than grope her breasts already, Shinji interrupted her. "Um... we have to go. Come on, Asuka." He stood up and pulled Asuka to her feet.

He's so cute when he's bashful. Asuka smiled and let Shinji drag her away, leaving the arguing couple alone.

"Tease!"

"Pervert!"

"Control freak!"

Hikari glanced at where she had seen Shinji and Asuka run off.

"That wasn't very nice of us."

"Hey! We've been dating longer, so we deserve the bench more than they do!" Touji slid in beside Hikari and gave her a deep kiss.

Hikari grew weak under the power of the kiss. "Well... I'm sure they'll find somewhere else to make out... Come on, baby, make me purr!"

Touji grinned and gave Hikari another long kiss, while his hand roamed over her body. After receiving no complaints about fondling her breast, he started to explore further down her body until his hand started working it's way under her skirt.

"Oh, Touji!"

* * *

Shinji and Asuka wandered out of the park. "Well, I guess we don't have to bother telling the gang anymore."

Shinji looked at Asuka with a confused look on his face. "Huh? Tell them what?"

"That we're a couple now, idiot!"

"Oh..." Shinji trailed off. I guess we are... but am I ready for this?

Asuka smiled sweetly at Shinji and took his hand as they strolled.

After a while, Asuka spun around and smiled at Shinji. "You know, Shinji... you're not a bad kisser."

Shinji smiled awkwardly. "Err... thanks. Maybe we should call it a night."

Asuka looked around the deserted street and grinned. "Nope." She jumped forward and gave Shinji a long kiss.

Shinji started to get lost in the passionate kiss. Just before his eyes closed completely, they snapped back open after he saw Rei in the distance.

Rei had stopped walking along the street when she spotted Shinji and Asuka. The former lovers' eyes remained locked together as Asuka continued the kiss.

Tears formed in Rei's eyes before she spun around and ran off crying into the night.

The kiss broke when Asuka realized that Shinji wasn't responding at all. "What's wrong, Shinji?"

Shinji stammered for something to say. "Err... nothing... I...

err.. I had a great time, Asuka!" He smiled, although it appeared forced. "Um... see ya at school tomorrow!" Shinji took off running towards where he had seen Rei disappear.

Asuka looked at his retreating back, dumbfounded. "What... the?"

* * *

Shinji was panicked as he raced down the quiet streets of Tokyo-3.

Dammit... I knew it was too soon. Where are you, Rei? He grew more and more concerned that his sister might do something rash as minutes passed without sign of her.

Suddenly, he screeched to a halt and relaxed when he spotted her in the distance. He tensed up again when he saw her talking to some old man in front of a love hotel. "Rei!"

Rei snapped her head around at hearing his voice. After a moment's hesitation, she took off running leaving the old man behind. Shit...

that was a hot one. He looked around for another prostitute. If I can't find one soon, the Viagra will wear off, dammit! Shinji gave chase. "Rei, stop!"

"Leave me alone, Shinji!"

"No! Not if you're going to go sell yourself to any guy with a few hundred yen!"

Rei didn't slow down. "Try at least thirty thousand!"

Shinji slowed at hearing her instant answer. Oh, Rei... you're more messed up than I thought. Realizing he was now losing ground to the fleeing girl her redoubled his pace. "If you need the money..." He reached out, managed to grabbed Rei's wrist, and pulled her to a halt.

In his haste, he twisted her arm.

Rei flinched at the pain. By instinct, she spun around and slapped Shinji hard across his face. "Let go of me, Hasamoto!"

Shinji recoiled from the hit and backed against a nearby fence, holding his cheek. At first, he didn't even register the name Rei used.

I think I've heard her use that name before, but where? Rei looked at the bruised Shinji and shuddered. "You've got Asuka now, just go back to your date!"

"Who cares about Asuka right now! Don't do this to yourself, you deserve so much more!"

Rei shuddered. Yes... I deserve you, but I can't have you anymore. She steeled herself and shot back a response that wasn't from her heart. "I'll do anything I want to! This is all I have left now! You just go back and fuck Asuka!"

"I'm not going to fuck Asuka, dammit!"

* * *

In the theater, Asuka swore. "Dammit, when am I going to get some!"

Before Shinji could say anything or dismiss Asuka, Misato did.

"Shut up, Asuka!" She walked over and put a hand on her trembling daughter's shoulder. "It's okay, Rei, Shinji won't allow that Rei to come to any harm... I know it."

Rei looked up at Misato's face. "I know... Mother." Misato pulled Rei into a tender hug.

Shinji looked at them and sighed. I hope he can... I'm not sure I could in his place.

Asuka looked at the hugging mother and child. "Oh, how sickeningly sweet..." she said, dryly.

"Can't you feel any sympathy for anyone except yourself, Asuka?!"

Shinji asked rhetorically.

* * *

Rei glared at Shinji. "Yeah... right! I saw how you were enjoying that kiss!"

"Dammit, Rei! Stop beating yourself up over everything. I'm not going to let you ruin your life like this!"

"What do you care?!"

"I love you, that's why!"

Rei flinched. "I know you do... but you can't give me what I need now... please leave me alone." She started to turn away.

"Fine then! If it'll keep you from selling yourself to some dirty old man, I'll just be a paying customer!" Shinji suddenly announced. He dug into his pocket and produced a couple bills and some coins. "What'll ten-thousand and..." He counted his coins. "Three-hundred fifty yen get me?"

Rei was speechless. She looked back and stared at Shinji's eyes for several seconds. Tears came to her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak.

"It'll get you both arrested."

Shinji and Rei turned their heads and saw a police officer standing beside them.

"Shit."


	13. Championships Suck!

Garden of Eva 1:3 - Championships Suck!

* * *

"Fine then! I'll just be a paying customer!" Shinji suddenly announced. He dug into his pocket and produced a couple bills and some coins. "What'll ten-thousand and..." He counted his coins.

"Three-hundred fifty yen get me?"

Rei was speechless. She looked back and stared at Shinji's eyes for several seconds. Tears came to her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak.

"It'll get you both arrested."

Shinji and Rei turned their heads and saw a police officer standing beside them.

"Shit."

"You'll both have to come with me." The young, baby-faced policeman reached out to grab their wrists.

Shinji's mind was working overtime. He had promised to protect his sister no matter what, but did that include resisting arrest? Maybe this is better for her. She needs professional help. Shit... I've already failed her.

Rei suddenly dropped to her knees and began crying uncontrollably.

"No, please... my mother will move me away for sure now..." This usually works on the rookies and this guy looks like a pushover. "Save it for the judge." The policeman reached down to pull Rei up off the ground. Cool! I've always wanted to say that. Rei cringed away from the policeman's grasp and cried crocodile tears.

Shinji snapped at the mere hint that he'd be separated from Rei. He tried to rationalize it by insisting that he had to be close to her to protect to her, ignoring the fact that his love for her was the real cause. Suddenly, he pointed down the street away from Rei. "Look it's a giant purple robot!"

The policeman looked away, giving Shinji the time he needed. He grabbed Rei, pulled her to her feet, and ran off dragging the still stunned Rei behind him.

The policeman shrugged. "I don't see anything. Let's go..." He trailed off as he saw that the kids were gone. "Shit, not again. That's the third time this week I've lost suspects because of that giant purple robot that's been terrorizing Tokyo-3. They really have to catch that thing." It would be several days before the policeman would realize that he was repeatedly being tricked, but only after his superior explained very carefully that giant purple robots did not really exist.

* * *

Shinji dragged Rei down a dark alley hoping to find someplace to hide. Finally, he couldn't run any more and stopped in a dark corner. He crouched over and tried to catch his breath.

Rei glared at Shinji. "Shinji! Why did you do that?!"

Shinji looked up at Rei from his stooped position. "Huh? I had to protect you."

"Do you know what kind of trouble you can get into for resisting arrest? You should have just let me charm him into letting us go."

Shinji gulped. He knew he hadn't really thought things through, but it had seemed the right thing to do at the time. "I'm sorry, I just sort of reacted without thinking when I thought we might be separated."

Rei smiled slightly as a warm feeling flooded into her heart.

"That's why you did it?"

Shinji nodded.

Rei smiled for the first time that day. "Thank you, Shinji. That's the first time anyone has committed a felony for me."

Shinji smirked. "Anytime, Sis."

Suddenly, a siren echoed down the alley.

Rei looked around nervously. "We'd better get going, Clyde."

"Okay, Bonnie."

Brother and sister ran off into the night, hand in hand.

* * *

After a long run through the dark streets of Tokyo-3 trying to avoid being caught, Shinji believed they had lost the policeman for sure and had led them back to Rei's apartment. "You think we were followed?"

Shinji asked, crouching down in front of Rei's apartment building.

Rei smiled at Shinji's nervousness. "No, I think we're safe now.

The cops don't care enough about prostitution to give chase for too long."

Shinji was a bit troubled by her statement and her earlier one about charming the cop, but decided not to mention it. "Are you going to be okay alone tonight?"

"No, but I can't be with you, can I?"

Shinji reluctantly shook his head. "Rei, you don't need to sell your body like that."

Rei smiled weakly. "I know... I guess I just couldn't handle seeing you with Asuka."

"I'm not going to date her anymore... at least for a while."

"It's okay, you can. I'll be alright."

"It's not for you... I'm not ready."

Rei sighed and risked looking into Shinji's eyes. "Why do all the good ones turn out to be taken or your half-brother?"

"Life sucks, that's why."

Rei nodded and turned to walk up the steps to the front door of the building.

"Good night, Rei." Shinji turned around and took a single step before he felt Rei grab him from behind and wrap her arms around his chest.

"Thank you for keeping me from making a big mistake tonight, Shinji."

"Just don't do it again."

"I won't." Rei took a step towards her apartment building then stopped and turned around. "Hey, Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to pay for it. Just ask."

Shinji gulped loud enough to wake the dead. "Rei... um... we really can't do that anymore. I was just trying to keep you from making a huge mistake with that kind of guy."

Rei frowned. She suspected as much, but still couldn't shake her feelings for him. Recently she had been wishing that her life could be like one of those hentai mangas where the brother always screwed his little sister. "I know. But never hurts to ask, does it?"

Shinji was a bit confused. "Um... no, I guess not. Good night, Rei."

He leaned forward and gave her a peck on her cheek.

Rei smiled and put her hand to her cheek and walked inside. She then spent an hour arguing with her mother about where she had been that late at night.

* * *

"Thank you, Shinji." Rei said and pressed her naked body against Shinji's and gave him a long hug.

Shinji blushed. "Err..."

"Cut that out!" Asuka screamed and stomped across the theater floor towards the hugging couple.

Shinji jumped away from Rei and awkwardly pointed at the viewpoint... with his finger. He tried to ignore the other part of his anatomy that was pointing at that moment. "Well, you should thank him.

He's the one who protected her. I don't know if I would've been able to."

"No... I don't see any differences between the two of you."

"Well..."

"I agree. For instance, they're both spineless wimps!" Asuka instead.

"No, they aren't," Rei said softly.

"Yes, they are... did you see that jerk run away from me just when things were getting interesting?"

"He appeared to be more concerned about me than with kissing you."

Asuka recoiled from the suggestion, mostly since it had a ring of truth to it. "Shut up!"

"I don't think I will," Rei said calmly.

Asuka fumed inside at never being able to get a rise out of Rei.

"Hey, Shinji..."

"Yes?"

"Rei here wants to fuck you!"

"What?" Shinji gasped, looking nervously at Rei.

Rei blushed. "You... embarrass me."

Asuka couldn't believe that didn't get more of a reaction from Rei.

"That's the point, you little slut." She turned towards Shinji. "Shinji, she's just like that other Rei... needing a cock in her to feel anything. She's just a unfeeling half-breed!"

Shinji glared at Asuka. "What is wrong with you, Asuka?!"

"Me? I'm perfect... she's the screwed up one."

"Oh, go screw yourself then." Shinji waved his hand and Asuka disappeared. "I just don't know why she never changes. After all we've been through, you'd think she'd feel some compassion."

"Maybe she's right."

"Huh?"

"Maybe I am looking for something to fill me up. To make me whole.

To make me feel."

Shinji grew nervous. "Um... Rei, I like you and all, but I really don't think..."

Rei smirked. "Don't worry, Shinji. I don't expect you to do anything you don't want to. After all, we have all the time in..." She trailed off as she realized the term 'world' no longer fit. "Eternity, I guess. That's probably the proper term now... all the time in eternity."

"Time for what?"

"That is for you to decide, isn't it?"

Shinji grew confused. Well, more confused than normal.

* * *

Shinji awoke the next morning with a naked girl on top of him.

"Huh?" His eyes focused and he realized that it was Asuka and she wasn't naked. But he was. "Asuka! What are you doing?!"

"Just making up for you running off on me last night," Asuka said, as she straddled his legs. Her school skirt was draped over his legs and her buttocks were resting on his mighty oak and acorns.

Shinji gulped, but then realized it felt different from the time Rei had done the same thing. Ah... she's wearing her panties. That's what's different. He looked around the room. "You really shouldn't do this... what if my parents found out?"

"Who cares?"

"I do."

She leaned down and gave him a long kiss. After it was done, she slid off his legs and smiled. "You worry too much, Shinji. Relax and enjoy the ride."

Shinji watched her depart and sighed. I could use less twists and turns on this roller coaster I call my life. As he dressed, he started to wonder if he should have given a different answer to his ghostly twin. When the apparition had appeared to him a week previously, Shinji said he was happy. At the time, he had thought he could overcome the problems involved with Rei being his sister, but he wasn't so sure anymore.

* * *

"So how far did you two get last night?" Touji asked Shinji at lunch.

Shinji had been avoiding these questions all day, but finally gave in. "Just kissing."

"Come on... Big Red was all over you last night. I bet you you've at least touched her breast."

"No!"

Touji smiled and looked at Kensuke. "Do you think he did?"

"I believe Shinji."

"Thank you. Come on guys... If I did get anywhere with a girl, wouldn't I tell you?

"I guess you would."

"So how far did you and Hikari get?"

Touji nervously looked at his girlfriend, who was eating with Asuka and Rei across the schoolyard. "Um... don't tell her this, but I touched her... you know... last night."

"Her breast?" Shinji wondered.

"No... you know..."

"Her nipple?" Kensuke guessed.

"No... lower?"

"Her ass?"

"No!"

"The spot right behind her left knee that drives women crazy?"

Kensuke suggested, casually.

Both Touji and Shinji looked oddly at Kensuke for a moment before Touji spoke. "No, her vagina, you idiots!"

The trio suddenly looked around to make sure that no one had overheard Touji's loud outburst, most especially Hikari. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be a wave of gossip spreading out from them, so Touji's balls were probably safe from being crushed by Hikari. For this incident at least.

Kensuke was confused because Misato had responded quite well when he had touched hers. "How could she not know that?"

"Idiot! She knows I touched it-she was screaming in ecstasy at my touch-but she would kill me if she knew I told you!"

Shinji and Kensuke exchanged knowing glances that had 'carpet-bagged' written all over them.

"Since you two have yet to have the pleasure of the sensation, let me tell you all the juicy details."

Shinji and Kensuke tried to sound interested in Touji's detailed description, but since they had more firsthand knowledge than Touji about that particular female body part, they found Touji's half-hour lecture on his one minute of feeling up Hikari a bit boring.

* * *

"I barely felt him touch it," Hikari said as she finished her description.

"Hmmm, I bet Shinji is better," Asuka gloated.

"He is," Rei said absently. When Asuka and Hikari glared at her she quickly added, "I mean... I'm sure he is. After that description you gave of his kissing, he sounds pretty good." It had been hard for Rei to keep herself from bursting into tears every time Asuka mentioned their date and everything that happened last night.

"Oh. Well, he is a good kisser... but so awkward. He even ran off last night when we were still having fun kissing."

Rei nodded, trying not to show any emotion. She wasn't entirely successful, but the other girls didn't notice.

"Say, Rei? Do you have a boyfriend yet?" Hikari asked.

Rei flinched, then shook her head. "No. I'm still getting over a bad breakup." She paused, then quickly added a lie to cover up who it was. "Down in Osaka-2." Sadly, even the cover up was partially true.

Although under vastly different circumstances and not the breakup she was speaking of, her breakup with Hasamoto was very bad as well.

"That was a long time ago. Maybe I could fix you up with Kensuke."

Asuka laughed. "Kensuke? He's still playing war games. It'll be a while before he's ready to date a girl."

"Thanks for the thought, Hikari, but I'm not ready."

* * *

After school, Kensuke leaned against a wall near the train station.

"Hey, baby... Want to have tea with me?"

The young woman stopped and stared at Kensuke in his leisure suit.

"Aren't you a little young to be picking up women at train stations?"

"Young and full of energy, baby."

"Does your mother know you do this?"

Kensuke went into his 'sad boy' routine that he'd found helped break the ice. "She died giving birth to me."

The woman gasped. "Oh, you poor boy." She pulled him into a hug and comforted him. "You must have had a hard time growing up."

"It wasn't easy." His hands started to roam.

"Maybe... Eeepp!" The woman suddenly pushed Kensuke away and bashed him over the head with her purse. "Pervert!" She stormed off, thinking that the little perverted boy reminded her of her late husband. Oh, how I miss you, my dear Ataru. Suddenly, a smile formed on her faces.

"Damn, almost had one there." Kensuke strolled away, constantly on the look out for older women.

"Excuse me."

Kensuke looked around to see the woman he had just groped standing there.

"I'm Shinobu, care to have some tea with me?" She cocked her head to the side.

Kensuke nodded emphatically. Bingo!

* * *

A week later, Shinji awoke with Asuka on top of him. Again. "Asuka, will you please stop waking me up this way?!"

"No... it's fun. And until you decide to take me out again, I'm going to keep waking you up this way."

"I told you over and over... I can't date you right now."

"Well, too bad... you sucked my nipple, so you're stuck with me!"

Shinji sighed, knowing he couldn't win this argument, since he'd been unable to dissuade her for the past week. Sucking a nipple is hardly a marriage proposal.

Like he did every morning for the past week, he pushed Asuka gently to get her off his lap. He stopped suddenly as his hand didn't feel what it normally did. Namely, cloth. He finally bothered to look at Asuka and saw that she was really naked this time. "Wh... why are you naked?!"

"Well, since I couldn't give you your birthday present last night at the party with the gang there, I thought I'd give it to you now. You seem to be enjoying it." She nodded down towards his hand, which was still resting on her breast from when he had tried to push her off.

"Ack!" Shinji withdrew his hand suddenly.

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Come on, Shinji, this is your birthday present." In a tempting invitation, she spread her arms wide.

"What?"

"You can fondle anything on this gorgeous body of mine you want."

She gave him a sultry look and winked. "Anything." She nodded down towards her pubic region, which was resting on top of Shinji's lower stomach.

"Why would I..." Shinji trailed off, quickly slid out from under her, and stumbled to his feet making sure to face away from Asuka to hide something that had suddenly risen to the occasion. He found his shorts, slipped them on, and walked towards his door. "Asuka, just get dressed and quit pressuring me!" As he made his way to the bathroom, he muttered, "Birthdays suck."

Asuka frowned as she watched him disappear out the door. "What a grouch." She slipped off the bed. I thought for sure that this would get more of a rise from him. At least from his dick, but not even a twitch. I wonder if he's gay? She thought about this for a few seconds.

"No, that's ridiculous. I'll just have to give him a little more direct stimulation next time." She held her hand in a cup shape and then squeezed several times. "That'll work for sure." She started to leave the room, but then remembered that she was still naked. "Oops." She turned around and began to dress.

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: championship n. 1 contest to decide the champion 2 position of champion Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

championship n. 1 contest to decide who gets to fuck Shinji first 2 Asuka on top

* * *

The gang sat on a train headed south towards Osaka-2. Asuka and Shinji were sitting together. Shinji was constantly having to avoid Asuka's attempts to kiss, cuddle, hug, fondle, fold, spindle, or mutilate him. Usually in that order.

Hikari and Touji sat across from them and alternated their attention between watching Shinji and Asuka's little awkward relationship, the scenery outside the window, and going repeatedly to the restroom to neck.

Rei and Kensuke sat together. Rei spent most of the time staring out the window and trying to ignore Asuka and Shinji. Kensuke spent most of the time trying to look down Rei's low cut blouse without looking like he was trying to look.

Misato suddenly stormed up to the little group. "We're almost there. I don't know why the principal forced me to babysit you brats on this little trip to play kiddie games, but you'd better all behave yourselves or you'll all have detention for the rest of your life."

Rei knew why. She still couldn't believe her mother and grandmother had only allowed her to go on this trip after they had 'arranged' for Misato to babysit them. She might have normally cursed her mother and grandmother using their connections to do stuff like this, but in this case, she was happy to be able to get away with the gang. And Shinji, of course. Unfortunately, every time she saw him and Asuka together a part of her died inside, so she had mixed feelings about the trip.

"As the leader of this group of morons, I promise you we'll behave," Hikari said, glaring directly at Touji.

Touji took affront to the implied accusation. "What're you looking at me for?!"

Hikari rolled her eyes. "Guess."

"You had better behave, Touji. I still haven't forgiven you for spreading all those rumors about that man and me. Who is only a friend if you happen to talk to any reporters... which you shouldn't."

Touji snapped to attention. "I'll behave, Misato!"

Misato glared at Touji. "Is that any way to talk to your teacher?!"

Touji gulped. "No, Ms. Katsuragi!"

Misato patted Touji's head. "Good boy." In the process, she had leaned over and given Touji a clear view of her ample cleavage.

Hikari looked at her boyfriend and frowned. She leaned in and whispered into his ear. "At ease, soldier."

"Huh?"

"Cover your lap, you horny jerk."

Touji blushed and quickly covered his lap to hide his reaction to Misato's cleavage.

Misato leaned over and spoke to Shinji. "Shinji, now I know you and Asuka are dating, but please don't get into trouble. The hotel rooms are not for anything except sleeping, got it?"

Shinji flinched. News and rumors about his date with Asuka had gotten out of hand at school. By the end of the week, everyone at school was convinced that they were having sex, Asuka was pregnant, and that they were planning to get married. Despite his protests, no one would believe him. Except the gang, but even Hikari, Touji, Kensuke had their doubts about them not having sex. Asuka, of course, knew they hadn't, but seemed to enjoy not answering questions about it directly, which helped fan the flames. And Rei... Shinji looked back at her, but she was still staring vacantly out the window.

"Shinji! Did you hear me?!"

Shinji snapped to attention. "Yes, Ms. Katsuragi! I'm sorry... rest assured I will not be doing anything with Asuka on this trip."

"Hey!" Asuka cried out.

"You'd better behave yourself too, Asuka. I've lost too many boyfriends to redheads to be fooled by your protests of innocence. Just watch it..." Misato looked around at everyone, but made a point to cast a particularly nasty glare at Kensuke. "That goes for all of you.

Behave yourselves!"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

* * *

After they settled into the hotel, the three boys relaxed in their room. Misato had insisted on keeping a close eye on Asuka so they shared a room, while Rei and Hikari shared the third room that the gang had been assigned for the Eva Championship Tournament.

"What do you think is bugging Misato, lately?" Shinji asked, staring at the ceiling.

Touji, being Touji, said something vile. "Well, she's been cranky for a number of weeks, so it's not that time of the month."

"I think she's in love, but it's a forbidden love," Kensuke commented casually.

"What... like a student? Get real." Touji started to laugh.

"Hey, it could happen!" Kensuke blurted then calmed down. "Or maybe just some other boyfriend trouble."

"Well, there is that guy I saw her with in the park. Rumor is he's running for some political office."

"Mayor."

Shinji and Touji looked over at Kensuke. "How do you know that?"

Shinji asked.

"Um... I... saw it on the news."

"You watch the news?! What a dork... Well, with you like that and Shinji running away from Big Red like Ranma from Shampoo, I'll be the first to lose my virginity."

Both Kensuke and Shinji turned their heads away from Touji to hide the smiles that appeared on their face.

Touji just went on with his boasting, oblivious to Shinji and Kensuke having beaten him to the cherry.

* * *

"Are you going to let Touji do it finally?" Asuka asked as she unpacked her bag in her room while Hikari watched.

Hikari blushed at Asuka's question. "Maybe."

Asuka's jaw dropped, since she had only been teasing. "What?!

You're really going to let him do it?"

Hikari nodded. "Probably. As long as he behaves himself during the trip."

Asuka relaxed. "Oh, then I guess he won't be getting any on this trip."

Hikari frowned. "Hey, it's not nice to assume my boyfriend will do something stupid."

Asuka raised her eyebrow in a silent question.

Hikari couldn't hold in the laugh that erupted from her throat.

"Yeah, maybe it is a long shot. But he really does have a sweet and tender side to him."

"Is his butt that nice?"

"Yes," Hikari answered without thinking. Suddenly she blushed.

"Asuka!"

"Don't worry about it, girlfriend, I've touched Shinji's butt too."

"What's the story on you two anyway?"

Asuka frowned. "To tell you the truth, I don't know. We've known each other our whole lives and I always thought of him as a friend.

Well... maybe more than that lately. He's so damn cute."

Hikari smiled. "Not as cute as my Touji."

Asuka shrugged. "To each her own. Anyway, a few weeks ago he got very aggressive and we made out in his bedroom. I was so stunned when he sucked my nip..."

Hikari's face fell. "Your nipple?" Asuka nodded. "He got that far before you even had your first date? Wow."

"Well, that's were I drew the line... but I never knew he had it in him. To suck my nipple like that was so..." Asuka trailed off and smiled.

Hikari nodded. "I know the feeling, but even Touji didn't try to suck my nipples for quite some time. Lots of wandering hands, of course."

* * *

Back in Tokyo-3, Shinji's mom answered the door to their apartment.

"Yes?"

The policeman in the doorway bowed slightly. "Good evening, Ma'am.

Do you recognize either of these kids?" He held out two photos for her to see. Rei's photo looked like a mug shot and Shinji's looked to be from his school yearbook.

Yui gasped. "Um... that's my son and his... friend Rei. Are they all right? Did something happen?"

"They are fine as far as I know, but I think we need to talk, Ma'am." Inside the young policeman cheered. Yes, finally tracked down those two brats. Now the chief won't be able to fire me. A sinking feeling hit Yui as she let the policeman in. "Gendou!

Get your butt out here!"

* * *

Round one.

The red Eva Unit Two stormed across the field and sliced the blue Eva in half with a large, spear-like sword. "First blood... One down!"

Asuka called out, spinning the sword around in an elaborate and completely self-centered attempt to be noticed.

"Nice one, keep your eyes peeled for Angels as we hack these Masturbating Bastards into tiny little pieces," Hikari instructed as she traded sword blows with an enemy Eva.

"Got it." Asuka checked her tactical map and lumbered across the battlefield to a spot where there were three enemy Evas in close proximity. As she approached, she noticed the situation. "Kensuke, seven o'clock!"

Kensuke ducked his red Unit Ten down and spun at the same time. He extended his arm blades as he spun, slicing first into the blue Eva he had been grappling with and then into the blue Eva that was sneaking up behind him. "Two more down!"

"Nice move, Ken-baby!" Asuka leapt over Kensuke and started to grapple with the sole remaining enemy Eva in the immediate area. "These guys are pathetic."

While Asuka had taken on the enemy Eva, Kensuke had to battle with two hovering angels that had suddenly appeared. He was able to keep them at arm's length using his arm blades, but couldn't get the killing stroke in. "Tell me about it. Who would try to attack my Unit Ten from the back? Its strength is defending its backside." He finally managed to embed one of his arm blades into one Angel's stomach and he sliced upwards and gutted the Angel. Body pieces flew everywhere.

"Well, any ideas on how to get through this Masturbating Bastard's AT Field?"

Kensuke was fighting off the other Angel now and responded quickly.

"Unit Sixteen has a field overlap where the legs meet his hips."

Asuka smiled. "In other words, his groin."

"Yup."

"Thanks, Kensuke!" Asuka punched the Eva she was fighting in the face and then reached for her progressive knife. In one swift motion, she withdrew it from it's sheathe and thrust it into the blue Eva's groin. Its AT Field collapsed and Asuka sliced upwards with the knife, quickly disemboweling her opponent. "A fitting end for a Masturbating Bastard like you." She chuckled, but then suddenly swore when her energy alarm went of. "Shit! Kensuke, he's going to blow!"

Kensuke turned his head away from his opponent for a second just as the Eva Asuka had gutted exploded. He and the Angel were blasted across the battlefield along with bits of Asuka's Unit Two. His displays flickered and died. "Shit."

He scrambled out of his entry plug and saw Asuka doing the same.

"Damn, there's still four more Evas to take care of."

Asuka nodded. "I think I saw Hikari take one out before we were blown up. Let's get to the displays outside and see how the others are doing."

The two teenagers ran out to the displays outside and spotted Rei.

"You bought it too, Rei?"

Rei nodded slowly. "Yes, sorry guys... I messed up."

"If only we could return to the game..." Kensuke muttered.

"Not in tournament play... but at least it's three on three now."

Asuka pointed at the display, which showed that Hikari had in fact killed another Eva unit. The teams in the championship tournament had anywhere from five to eight players. If a team had less than eight players, they could use drone Evas as substitutes, but they usually didn't last long.

"I felt like a drone in there... getting killed so soon," Rei said, looking sadly at the ground.

Asuka patted Rei on her back. "Don't worry about it... this is only the first game, you'll get back into your stride. You are our best Eva pilot after all."

Rei gasped at hearing the admission from Asuka. "Um... thank you."

"But don't let it go to your head... I'll get better and better and put you to shame, girlfriend."

Rei smiled and gave Asuka a quick hug. "Thank you."

The hug caused Asuka to blush, but she figured Rei needed a little boost to get over whatever had been bothering her lately so she didn't mention anything.

"Damn... Shinji's fallen into a nest of Angels."

Asuka looked up at the display screen. "Damn, what kind of sick programmer would have slaughtering baby Angels as part of a game?"

Rei flinched. My grandmother, that's who. She looked sadly at the cute little yellow Angels that had tails shaped like lightning bolts. I wonder what she has against that poor little creature that she would include that massacre as part of the game?

On the screen, they could see Shinji dealing with the baby Angels, but it was preventing him from helping Hikari and Touji who were surrounded by the last three enemy Evas.

Asuka flinched when she saw one of Shinji's arms ripped off. "We may not win this one."

"Shinji will do it. I know he will," Rei said softly.

* * *

Hikari hacked an arm off one of her attackers, but it regenerated into a human arm in seconds. "Shit, I hate the models with S2 engines built in." She traded more blows with her attacker, trying to see if Touji was having any luck with the two he was locked between. "Touji?"

"Just handle that one. I'll get these two... somehow." Touji's tone of voice didn't reassure Hikari.

"Okay, Slick." Hikari tried to find an opening in her opponent's defense, but couldn't find any. Unlike his teammates, this Masturbating Bastard's good, dammit.

The little dance went on, Touji managed to keep the two attacking him from killing him, but couldn't take out either of his opponents without the other killing him afterwards. Hikari chopped various pieces of her attacker off, only to have them regenerate and hadn't been able to get to its S2 engine yet.

Suddenly, Touji's proximity alarm went off. "Shit." He looked up into the sky to see a large flat Angel falling from the sky. "Extend your AT field, Hikari!"

Hikari looked up just before the Angel hit the ground and exploded.

* * *

Asuka gasped at the screen showing the explosion and flying Eva parts. "Shit..."

Rei wrung her hands. "Did it kill all the Evas? Since Shinji's still alive..."

Kensuke looked closely at the display. "I think everyone in the area was... Damn, one of the blue team is still alive."

"God-damned Masturbating Bastard!" Asuka shouted, earning some stares from the crowd watching the tournament. Asuka glared at them.

"Hey, it's their god-dammed team name! So mind your own business, assholes!"

* * *

"Pika... pika... pika..."

Shinji sliced the last of the sickening cute Angel babies in half and it exploded making a long 'chooooo' sound. Before Shinji could look around the battlefield, he was tackled from behind.

The two Evas tumbled across the battlefield locked in a tight embrace. In the process, Shinji lost the sword he had used to hack the Angel babies.

"Shit," Shinji gasped. Damn, I forget... What is Unit Thirteen's weakness? He continued to fend off the attacks of the blue Eva while he tried to recall the best way to defeat this model. He managed to break his enemy's hold on his arm and did a couple of back flips-not a easy task with only one arm-to gain some time and distance while he worked out a plan.

A quick glance at his display showed Shinji that this Eva and him were the only two players left. Well, that means it's all up to me. As he ran around a mushroom shaped building with the blue Eva in hot pursuit, he looked around desperately for a weapon to use.

* * *

The four in the theater sat on the floor and watched the match on the viewpoint intensely.

"Damn, looks like the so-called mighty Third Child's going to lose it in the first round," Asuka muttered, between gulps of popcorn.

"No, he isn't." Rei said softly.

Shinji's hand was clenched shut tightly as he tried to will his other self to win. "Come on... you can do it."

"You're taking this way too seriously, Shinji. It's not real."

"Maybe, but for now it is... and they all need this win to have some happiness. Even if it doesn't last..."

"It will, Shinji, somehow it will turn out okay," Misato insisted, placing a gentle hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"You are all clueless!" Asuka shouted. "That world sucks... I know it... Misato USED to know it, but now she's become such a mother and has lost touch with reality... and Rei... well Rei is blinded by her lust for Shinji."

Shinji didn't even hesitate. "Just stop it, Asuka! Reality sucks and this is all we have left now."

Asuka glared at him. "Is it really? Or have you just stopped caring?"

"Caring about what?"

"Living."

* * *

Shinji thrust the knife into the base of his opponent's neck and drove it as deep as it could, and then some. After a quick twist of the knife, the head fell apart, blood gushed everywhere, and the headless corpse crashed to the ground. Shinji looked around for anything else to kill, before remembering that that had been the last one.

That was confirmed a second later when his display exploded with fireworks and a message indicating that the Dark Eva Knights had won the match scrolled across the display. Shinji allowed himself to relax.

"That was too close." He opened his entry plug. Before he could step out, he was dragged out and tortured as five people hugged the stuffing out of him.

"Nice job, Shinji!"

"Way to go, pal!"

"Nice move at the end!"

"You were wonderful! Such a stallion!"

"What a stud!" Asuka's praise was followed by a long kiss.

Shinji blushed and avoided eye contact with everyone else after the kiss ended. "Thanks, but you shouldn't kiss me in public like that."

"Oh, who cares! We're all friends here! Okay, let's go celebrate the first win of many for the Dark Eva Knights!"

* * *

A group of seven boys and one girl watched the gang walk out of the Eva center. "Are you sure they're the team to beat? They looked a little rough in there."

A tall, skinny boy nodded. "I'm sure. With her on their team, they will get to the final round. And I'm not sure we can beat them with her there."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know that girl... she's good. On the battlefield and in bed."

"So what'll we do, Hasamoto?"

"We make sure she can't play with them anymore." Hasamoto cracked his knuckles.


	14. Sucks Everybody!

Garden of Eva 1:4 - Sucks Everybody!

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: suck v. 1 draw (a fluid) into the mouth by suction 2 draw fluid from (a thing) in this way 3 roll tongue around (a sweet, etc.) 4 engulf or drown in a sucking movement 5 slang. be of very poor quality -n. 6 act or period of sucking

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

suck v. 1 draw (Kaji's sweet taste) into the mouth by suction 2 draw fluid from (a penis) in this way 3 roll tongue around (a tree or other mighty object) 4 engulf or drown in a sucking movement (If Shinji is reading this, this is basically referred to as a blow job, which I don't think you've ever had, have you? I thought not. Ha! Beg for it! You know you want me to!) 5 slang. see Shinji's perfect world -n. 6 ditto Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition:

suck v. 1 draw (a fluid) into the... uh... oh... 2 draw fluid from...

err... 3 roll tongue around... ahhhhhh! 4 engulf or... ohhhhhh! 5 slang... who cares about number five and six anymore?! Let's start at number one again!

* * *

Shinji helped Misato down the hall towards her room, number four-twenty-two. She was still pretty out of it. Mostly because she was plastered, but also because of what had just happened. Before he could reach her door, it exploded outward as a young man crashed through it and slammed hard against the opposite wall.

"Arschloch, you will pay for that!" a very angry Asuka shouted. She was wrapped in a sheet when she stormed out of the room and kicked the man in the groin once. And then she kicked him again, just to make sure she got her point across. She did. Just to be sure, she made her 'point'

several more times.

Shinji looked closely and recognized the man as Misato's boyfriend, lover, ex-boyfriend, and occasional punching bag. Which one depended on the time of day. "What happened?"

Asuka flinched at hearing his voice and then blushed when she saw him. "Err... Nothing!" Asuka stormed back inside.

Kaji just leaned against the wall with a pained smile on his face.

Shinji decided it was probably the pain from where Asuka had repeatedly kicked him.

* * *

\- About the same time as that

Kensuke couldn't believe that the maid he had invited to his room actually showed up and crawled into his bed. He also couldn't believe how much better she was than Misato, the cleaning lady, the woman he had picked up at the train station, the... you get the idea.

He held the woman in his arms in the dark room and just stroked her hair. "Thank you, that was the best I've ever had," he said softly.

"Well, of course it was, it was your first time, Touji!" Hikari snapped. "At least it had better been, you jerk!"

"Uh... uh... Hik... Hikari?"

Hikari shuddered as she finally recognized the voice. No... he wasn't supposed to be in the room yet. She saw Kensuke reaching for his glasses. "Oh, god... I... lost my virginity to... to... Kensuke!

This... this... SUCKS!"

Kensuke's ego took a mighty blow and his mighty maple crashed to the forest floor with a mighty thud.

* * *

\- Three minutes before that

"This is so cool!" Touji whispered as he peered into his night-vision binoculars. "You can see right into everyone's room from here. This is much better than just necking with Hikari. I'm sure she won't mind me skipping our date tonight."

He gasped as caught sight of another couple through a window with open drapes. "Alright! They are really going at it! I am so damn lucky tonight!" As he watched the couple doing it, he squinted trying to see the figures better. "Hmmm, that girl looks a little familiar..."

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

"Oh... oh... oh... oh..."

"Oh... Misato!"

"You horny little jerk! How dare you call me Misato when you're fucking me!" Asuka pounded the man she was underneath with her fist and pushed away from him. "Dummkopf."

"Who... who... are you?"

"Eh?" Asuka turned on the lights and got a good look at the naked man who she had just had sex with. And it wasn't Shinji.

Kaji covered his ears to keep his brain from turning to liquid due to the loud piercing scream that emanated from Asuka's mouth.

* * *

\- Five minutes before that

Misato looked down at her naked body. "Yeah... I guess." Misato stumbled over to where she saw various discarded pieces of clothing. She picked up her bra and then keeled over.

"Misato!" Shinji rushed over to and then knelt by his now unconscious teacher. "Misato?" He shook her, but she just muttered something unintelligible. "Damn, Touji or Kensuke could come back any time now."

He reached for her bra and started to redress his naked teacher.

Damn... before Rei showed up I would have died for the chance to do this in reverse.

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

Misato shuddered as she came. "Oh, Kaji!"

"What?!" Shinji screamed and filled Misato at the same time.

Misato frowned and squinted in the darkness. "What's happened to your voice, Kaji?"

"Misss... aaaat... ooo?"

Misato looked closely to the man-make that boy-she had just made love to. "Shinji? What the... hic... fuck are you doing in my room?!"

"Err... um... this is my room," Shinji awkwardly explained. "It's five-twenty-two.. you're in four-twenty-two." Knew I should have made sure who it was when she slipped into bed with me, but a part of me didn't want to know if it was Asuka or Rei. He shook his head to clear it, since it was still foggy due to the bad sushi he had earlier.

Thought those breasts were a little too big, but who am I to complain about being handed a couple handfuls.

"Don't give me that bu... hic... you're on the seventh floor!"

Shinji blushed. "Err... they had to move us due to some... plumbing problems."

Misato looked around. "Oh... shit. First that little... hic...

Kensuke and now you. What kind of sicko am I?"

"Kensuke?"

Misato frowned. "You didn't hear that."

Kensuke and Misato have had sex? Shinji thought back and realized that Kensuke had been acting odd lately. "Ah! That's why he's been trying to act so grown up lately."

Misato glared down at Shinji. "I said... you DIDN'T hear that! Got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

Misato cradled her head in her hands. "I can't believe this. How could I have mistaken you for my dear sweet Kaji." She squirmed a little bit. Come to think of it, Kaji isn't this large. "Um... Misato?"

"Yes, what is it, Shinji?" Misato absently replied while rubbing her throbbing head.

"I really think you should get off me so we can start forgetting this ever happened."

Misato blushed and pulled herself up and off Shinji's mighty oak.

"Right..." She felt around and felt for the light switch. The light came on and she shielded her bloodshot eyes. "Damn, that was a mistake."

Shinji pulled the sheets over his naked body. "Err... Maybe you should get dressed?"

* * *

\- Ten minutes before that

Misato stumbled into her dark room, not exactly sure how she got there. After puking into a garbage can or a fern-she wasn't sure which-she started peeling off her clothes as she staggered towards her bed. Once she was naked, she headed towards the sweet reward of slumber.

Unfortunately, she smashed her shin against the bed before she could get into it. "Dammit." She felt for the sheets and crawled under them.

Suddenly, she felt a body rub against hers. "Dammit, why did we have to have only one bed in this room? Just because I have to watch that little bi... bi... redhead. Move over, Asuka!" She pushed Asuka trying to make some room. What? She squeezed her fingers once. Twice.

A third time. "Huh? That's a pe... pe... pe... dick." She tried to see the figure through the darkness of the room and her bloodshot eyes. She was just able to make out the sleeping male figure with short hair and shouted for joy. "Kaji!"

Misato wrapped her arms around her lover's body and held on for dear life. "I knew you loved me."

She kissed him deeply and ran her hand down his body.

A very groggy Shinji, who was still shaking off the effects of the bad sushi he had eaten, awoke to the pleasure of a naked female body pressed against his own. He started to object, but then went silent as her hand reached his mighty oak and made it mightier. Shinji decided that he didn't want to know if it was Asuka or Rei at that point.

Despite his insistence that he couldn't do it with Rei anymore, a part of him yearned to touch her and be touched by her. So his mind just insisted that it was Asuka in bed with him, while secretly hoping it was Rei.

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

"Here it is... Room five-twenty-two," the bartender said, hoping he was correctly remembering the room number the girl had told him earlier.

The bellhop opened the door with his master key and they prodded the drunk Misato into the room.

"Shouldn't we make sure she gets into bed?" the bellhop asked innocently.

The bartender stood in the hallway and smirked as he closed the door to the room. "You just want to see if she'll take off her clothes before going to bed."

The bellhop blushed. "Um... no! I just..."

"Relax kid. The drunk chicks usually just end up puking on you instead of giving you a show or a good lay."

The bellboy's face fell. "Darn."

The bartender laughed and slapped the bellboy's back. "You'll learn kid. The best way to see the guests naked is to listen for the shower and then 'accidentally' let yourself into a room to pick up some dirty dishes or something."

"Gee, that's a great idea, Mr. Happosai!"

The bartender smiled devilishly and put a hand on the bellboy's leg, he was rather short after all. "Come on, kid, let's go check out the hotel laundry."

"For your collection?"

"You learn fast, kid."

* * *

\- Ten minutes before that

As Hikari stepped out of the elevator, she suddenly realized that she had pushed the button for the seventh floor instead of her own.

Hikari smiled when she realized she had subconsciously selected the floor Touji's room was on.

Hikari took a deep breath and winced at the smell of alcohol on her breath. Am I doing this just because I'm tipsy? Nawwww... She knocked on the door to Touji's room. After there was no response, she dug in her purse looking for the extra key Touji had given her in hopes of scoring with her during their trip. Didn't really expect to use this thing. She found the card key and inserted it into the lock. She opened the door and poked her head in. "Hey, Touji?"

There was no response, so Hikari walked into the dark room and saw a single figure sleeping in one of the two full sized beds. At the foot of the bed was a sweater that Hikari had given Touji for his last birthday. Well, since Shinji and Kensuke are both out, we should have the room to ourselves for a little bit. Hikari swallowed hard and flipped the door latch so no one could get in even if they had the room key. "Hey, Touji?"

The figure rolled over and grunted. Hikari took this as sign that he was awake.

"Ok, Touji... come and get me."

The figure stirred, but didn't speak.

Is he mad at me? Hikari frowned. "I'm sorry I missed our date, but Misato cornered me."

No reaction from the figure.

Hikari huffed. "Honestly. Well, see if you can ignore this." She started undoing her blouse and then pulled it off and dropped it to the floor. "Hmmm, my blouse is on the floor."

The figure remained motionless.

I bet he's afraid to say anything for fear of getting me mad. She undid her skirt and let it drop to the floor. "Oops, there goes my skirt."

The figure remained motionless.

Is he dead? She looked closely and could see the sheet rising and falling with his breathing. Playing hard to get... huh? Well, resist this if you can. She slipped her shoes and socks off and then reached behind her back. "Hmmmm, there goes my bra." Her bra joined her other clothes on the pile.

The figure started snoring.

Hikari gaped at the figure in the bed. "Well, that explains his sudden self-control. Well, Hikari, you've come this far." She slipped her hands down her sides and slowly pulled off her panties.

She took a deep breath and then slipped under the covers with him.

She lay there for a few minutes, working up her courage. Finally, she slipped against his body and started kissing his neck.

Kensuke finally awoke when he felt his shorts being pulled off.

* * *

\- Five minutes before that

Kaji tiptoed down the hotel hallway, looking around carefully for signs of reporters, photographers, or an angry shrew named Maya.

"Perfect, now I can finally spend some time with her." He crept down to room four-twenty-two where, according to his sources, Misato was staying and slipped the key into the lock that he had 'obtained' to avoid having to knock and wait in the hallway where anyone could see him.

He slipped into the darkened room and smiled as he saw the large bed and the woman he loved sleeping in it. He rushed to the window and pulled the curtains shut. Then he quickly started to undress and slipped under the covers.

He caressed her cheek and then kissed her deeply. It wasn't long before she had awakened and was returning the kiss with a passion that he had never felt from his fiancee, Maya.

He slowly slipped her nightie off, kissing her body as he did so, and ran his hand across her sensuous curves. Has she lost some weight? His thoughts were forgotten when she responded to his touch. She wrapped her arms around him and it wasn't long before they got lost in the heat of passion.

* * *

\- Ten minutes before that

Hikari walked slowly back to her room and thought about what Misato had said. She knew Touji wasn't likely to dump her, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that he might not wait much longer. She had been thinking about doing it with him quite often lately. Her current thoughts were interrupted when she ran into Shinji.

"Oh, hi."

"Hi, Hikari."

"Where is everyone?" Hikari asked, hoping she wasn't blushing because of what she had just been thinking about. She also hoped that he couldn't smell the alcohol that was starting to make her feel a bit dizzy.

"Um... Kensuke must still be at those boring Eva strategy panels and I think Touji is up in the room. I was going out to the pool to see if Rei is out there." He decided not to mention that Touji was actually out breaking in his new nightvision binoculars, since he doubted Hikari would appreciate that. He also forgot to mention that they had changed rooms.

"Oh, well... see you in the morning." Hikari absently waved to Shinji and continued walking down the hall toward the elevators.

"Yeah..." Shinji made his way to the pool deck. After he was unable to find Rei there, he decided to turn in for the night. He made his way to the new room the guys had been given.

* * *

\- Twenty minutes before that

"Men are pigs..."

Hikari looked at the drunk Misato and sighed. "Yes, Ma'am." She checked her watch again. I was supposed to meet Touji half an hour ago, I hope he waits for me.

"I mean... I told him I'm down here in Osaka-2 and... hic.. he has some dammed thugs come by to tell me to leave him alone." Misato took another gulp of her drink and almost fell from the barstool. "Men...

they fuck you... and then... hic... leave you."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Here... have a drink Hikari..."

"No... I shouldn't..."

Misato wasn't ready to take no for an answer and shoved the drink in Hikari's face. Hikari faked drinking it until Misato got impatient.

"Come on, chug it!" She forced glass back and Hikari ended up swallowing most of it.

Hikari coughed and wiped her mouth off. Some chaperone she is. "You know what... hic... hic... Hikari?"

"What, Ma'am?"

"You'd better fuck that Touji fast... or he'll move on to some other young, sweet morsel."

Hikari blushed. "Ma'am! Didn't you just say that men will just leave you if you let them fuck you?"

"Yup, what's yer point? Men are pigs."

"Yes, Ma'am." Hikari sighed, she'd been pretty much held captive by Misato ever since they happened to see a news report about some mayoral candidate in Tokyo-3 setting a wedding date. It didn't take Hikari long to figure out that the Kaji Ryouji on the report was Misato's boyfriend.

"It doesn't matter if... hic... you let them fuck you or not, they'll leave you for another tramp... hic... when their balls tell them to." Misato pulled Hikari close to whisper something into her ear. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.

Hikari recoiled at the stench of the liquor from Misato. "Misato, maybe I should take you up to your room."

Misato smiled and patted Hikari's face. "That's a nice thought, but I only like men."

Hikari blushed. "That's... not what I meant!"

"Try that little Sana cu... hic... she's a lezbo... always staring at me boobs... or was that Touji ?" As she spoke, Misato seemed to be trying to knock flying pink elephants out of the air.

Hikari swallowed hard. It probably was Touji. "Take it from me, hic... hic... Hikari, fuck Touji now and have your fun while you can. Men are only good for their co... hic... And even that can be replaced thank to... hic... modernish technology."

Hikari really wanted to leave. "Um... Ma'am? I really have to go..."

"Fine... you go fuck Touji then..." Misato slapped Hikari on the back and shoved her towards the door.

Hikari wondered if she should leave Misato alone, but decided to get while the going was good. She paused to whisper to the bartender.

"Um... she's staying in room four-twenty-two. Can you make sure she gets back there after she's run out of money for booze?"

The bartender nodded.

* * *

\- Ten minutes before that

"Boy, Shinji, that must have been one huge turd!" Touji started laughing as the repairman worked on the toilet in their room.

Shinji blushed, either from embarrassment or for the sick feeling in his stomach. "It's not my fault! It just... overflowed."

"Well, next time flush a few times during the big ones."

Shinji glared at Touji. "I threw up, okay?! It wasn't a turd you shithead!"

Touji smirked at getting Shinji to blow his top.

"Excuse me," the repairman said from the doorway to the bathroom.

He was covered in... well... really unpleasant stuff. "Looks like you backed up the whole sewer line with that huge turd and all that vomit didn't help either. We'll have to move you to a new room. I've radioed down and a bellhop is on the way."

Shinji looked away, blushing in embarrassment.

"Damn, I was just getting used to this room too! The view is great!"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Right down to the sun deck around the pool, huh?"

"Of course." Touji gave one of his biggest grins. Which most people would call a leer.

"We have to remember to tell Kensuke about the new room... leave a note or something."

Touji waved off Shinji's remark. "Yeah.. yeah.. I'll take care of it."

"Are you sure you'll remember?"

Touji glared at Shinji. "Of course I'll remember, what do you think I am, some kind of over-hormoned idiot with nothing but sex on my mind?"

Shinji chose the right to remain silent on the grounds that Touji could beat the shit out of him... the shit that was left in him, that is.

* * *

\- Half-hour before that

Touji cringed at the horrible sounds coming from the bathroom.

Damn, I thought I've had some bad ones.

* * *

\- One hour before that

Shinji and Touji walked towards their room. "Damn, I think there was something wrong with that sushi," Shinji said, clutching his stomach.

Touji shrugged. "I feel okay, you must be imaging it."

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

After the gang had dinner, Rei walked into her hotel room and tossed her purse onto the bed. She noticed an envelope on the floor that must have been slipped under the door. picking it up, she noticed it was addressed to her. After slipping off her shoes, she walked over to the bed while undoing her blouse. She pulled her blouse off and sat down on the bed's edge to read the letter.

She casually opened the envelope and started reading the letter inside. Suddenly, she gasped and dropped to her knees. "No..." As she continued to read, a look of horror and panic formed on her face.

When she finished reading it, she crushed the letter in her hands and cried into the crumpled paper. "No... no... I've got to tell Shinji." She dropped the letter, rose to her feet, and took a few steps toward the door. "No... I can't do that. It's too dangerous to involve him. This is my problem. I have to rid myself of my past once and for all."

After thinking and crying for several minutes, she flexed her knuckles a few times to steady her nerves and then reached for her blouse. "No, that won't do." She sighed and started undoing her skirt as she walked over to her luggage.

* * *

\- Two hours before that

A group of boys and a girl watched the gang walk out of the Eva center. "There!" Hasamoto exclaimed and pointed.

The lone girl replied. "What?"

"That one... the short one on the end... what's his name?"

The girl frowned and looked at the information she had dug up on the Dark Eva Knights team. "Um... That's Shinji Ikari."

Hasamoto smiled. "He's fucked her at least once."

"Huh? How can you tell."

"I can tell. The way they look at each other and try to pretend they aren't attracted to each other in front of the others. It's obvious."

The girl frowned. Then why can't you tell that I love you? "He is exactly what we need for the plan to work."

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

"We are so damn good!" Asuka shouted as they left the Eva center.

"The best damn Eva team in the world!" Touji insisted.

"Well, two more rounds to go till we can really say that. But if we can play the way we played today we will win the championships for sure!" Kensuke insisted, smiling from ear to ear.

Hikari gave Rei a big hug. "Well, most of the credit goes to Rei here. She was hacking apart all the Angels in sight."

"Yeah, I was able to concentrate on the enemy Evas thanks to you, Rei!" Shinji added his encouragement.

Rei blushed at all of the attention she found herself the center of. "Well... I couldn't let my friends down, could I?"

"See, I told you that you could do it, kiddo!" Asuka said, slapping Rei on her back.

"Um... thanks for not giving up on me yesterday, Asuka. I've never had such good friends before."

"Oh... deep." Asuka remarked. "Well, before we start crying and get into a group hug or something mushy like that, let's go pig-out!"

"Okay, but let's find someplace with good food. That fast food we had for lunch was a little bland," Shinji said.

* * *

\- Half-hour before that

Asuka took the mighty oak tree in hand, ripped it out of the corpse, and danced around in triumph with the bloody shaft. "At last, I have done it! That fool will never bother me again!"

* * *

\- One minute before that

Asuka tumbled down the forested hillside wrapped in a firm embrace with him. Oak trees snapped like toothpicks as they rolled.

With a mighty yell of "Timber!" Asuka ripped out a mighty oak tree from the ground, thrust it through the stomach of the blue Eva, and watched the various internal organs and S2 engine spill out. The dead corpse crashed to the ground in a heap of metal and flesh.

* * *

\- Five minutes before that

A group of boys and one girl watched the game monitors from the shadows. "You're right, Hasamoto, she is good."

Hasamoto grinned. "Yes... too good. If we want to win this tournament, we have to get her out of the way."

"How?"

Hasamoto responded quite casually. "Well, killing her would be the fastest way, but that's too good for her. She needs to suffer for what she has..." He trailed off and went silent.

One of the boys frowned. "What did she do?"

"Never mind that. Here's what we'll do." He gathered his team together and laid out his plan.

The single girl in the group frowned at hearing the plan, but didn't dare speak out about her distaste for it. She didn't want to share the same fate as that poor girl.

* * *

-Ten minutes before that

Round two.

The Red Unit Zero flew across the battlefield. Rei sliced and diced Angels into small parts using two severed arms from an enemy Unit Ten that she had dissected within seconds of the start of this round. The arms still had the curved blades extended that were Unit Ten's trademarked weapon. Since she held the arms at the severed elbows, she effectively doubled her reach and was able to keep attackers from getting close enough to harm her, while making mincemeat out of them.

Rei did a high leap over a swarm of advancing Angels and landed in the mist of three enemy Evas that had Shinji and Asuka pinned down against a collapsed building. With a quick sweep of one of her extra arms, she decapitated one of them.

Shinji took advantage of the hole left in the two remaining Evas'

defenses and sprinted forward and tackled a blue Unit Four. The two Evas tumbled away and down a steep hill.

When they finally rolled to a rest, the player controlling the blue Eva wet his pants when he saw that Shinji had a handgun pressed to his Eva's chin. He flinched backwards as the single shot ripped through his Eva's head. The exploding head was rendered in vivid detail on his monitors before they went dead. "Shit... I really hate it when they blow my head off."

Back on the battlefield, Asuka was trading kicks and punches with a blue twin of her own red Unit Two. She had managed to get her attacker's progressive knife away from him by slicing off his hand-cut right to the bone of the matter, that was Asuka's motto-but in the process she had been kicked by her victim and lost her own knife. Unfortunately, that meant she had to fight him hand to stump until she could find something to bash his skull in with.

* * *

\- Somewhere where time doesn't exist anymore

"Give me back the remote, Asuka!" Shinji yelled as he chased her around the theater. Since they were both naked, various objects were bouncing and flapping around. Shinji's object made a slapping sound. In mono, of course, with just a touch of surround sound caused by his balls slapping just a second behind his penis. Asuka's twin objects made a pleasant stereo 'boing' sound.

"No! I want to see Kaji fuck me again!" Asuka replied, pressing the rewind button. The viewpoint started moving backwards again.

* * *

\- Then

Asuka bounced up and down on top of Kaji.

* * *

\- Two minutes before that

Asuka writhed in passion under Kaji.

* * *

\- Then once again

Asuka bounced up and down on top of Kaji.

* * *

\- Two minutes before that once again

Asuka writhed in passion under Kaji.

* * *

\- Then using alternate angle three

Asuka bounced up and down on top of Kaji. The sweat dripped down her back and onto Kaji's legs.

* * *

\- Two minutes before that using alternate angle four Asuka writhed in passion under Kaji. Kaji's nostrils flared as he breathed deeply indicating that he could use a good trimming of his nose hair.

* * *

\- Four minutes before that using alternate angle two Asuka hung upside down from Kaji's shoulders while he gave her a big kiss

on the lips. Think about that for a few seconds...

* * *

\- Then using alternate angle one

Asuka bounced up and down on top of Kaji. God! For his first time, Shinji's pretty good at this. Once again, she ignored the fact that it was her first time as well. Not to mention not realizing that it wasn't Shinji she was with. On top of. Err... filled with. You get the idea.

* * *

Shinji grabbed Asuka around the waist and reached for the remote.

"Come on... this is not the time to be concerned about that! I want to see where Rei ran off to."

"It's just a fantasy world! It's not real, Shinji!"

Shinji clenched his teeth. "I know that..."

"Do you? Do you really? You're so worried about who you're fucking in that world that you're ignoring me!"

Shinji flinched and suddenly became aware that his naked body was pressed against Asuka's. Mostly since a certain organ pushed them apart slightly as it expanded.

"Why don't you just fuck me? It's better than watching those imaginary puppets of yours do it." Asuka winked.

Shinji tried to stay calm. "Asuka... why do you keep bringing that up over and over?!"

"Because... because... I'm bored! Third Impact sucks and I really need something to do!"

"No!"

Both Shinji and Asuka looked around at the outraged voice.

"Rei?" Shinji gasped in surprise.

Rei was standing a few feet from them. "It's... not right... to do that... just because you're... bored." A single tear dripped down her cheek.

"Fine then... it's because I love him!" Asuka said, looking lovingly into Shinji's eyes.

Shinji gasped and looked into Asuka's eyes. "Really?" His previous anger towards her vanished and he ran his hand through her red hair. He found himself pulling her against his body.

Asuka couldn't hold her straight face any longer and she burst out laughing. "No, you idiot! I just need something to pass away the eons we have in front of us. I can't believe you fell for that! What a dork!"

Shinji released Asuka suddenly, causing her to fall on her ass. He clenched his fists as anger flooded his mind. "Dammit, Asuka! We've all been through a lot. Why can't you stop being such a dammed bitch all the time!"

Asuka rubbed her sore butt from where she had fallen. "I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

Misato walked up behind Shinji. "Asuka, he's right. You have been getting pretty bad lately."

Asuka glared at Misato. "You're one to talk. You were ranting and screaming about Kaji... Hey! Why aren't you upset about him doing me?"

Misato shook he head sadly. "Because I've decided that world doesn't matter. It's not real. I've found something better to worry about."

"What?"

Misato looked over at Rei. "My daughter."

Rei looked up at Misato and wiped the tear out of her eye. "You care about me? Even after what they did to you to create me?"

"Yes." Misato took a step toward Rei and pulled her into a hug. "I love you. They may have butchered me to create you, but my hatred for that doesn't mean I hate you."

Asuka opened her mouth to make a snide comment about how sickening sweet that little scene was, but shut it quickly. She decided that it probably wasn't a good time to crack one of her jokes. Without her knowing it, she was learning when to keep silent... slowly learning.

Shinji relaxed and looked towards the viewpoint. He used the remote to play from the point he had dropped off Misato. As the viewpoint switched from the recorded image to the 'live' image, Shinji entered his usual viewing trance.

* * *

After leaving the very drunk and angry Misato with a very bruised Kaji, Shinji walked back towards the elevators to return to his own room. He stopped when he passed Rei's room. He decided he'd see if Rei was back yet, so he knocked on the door. He flinched backwards when the door, which hadn't been closed completely, opened. "Rei? Hikari?"

Since there was no response, he pushed the door open. "Rei, Hikari?

I'm coming in." He scanned the room and looked through the open bathroom door. When he saw that neither of them was there, he grew very worried.

"I guess Touji might have gotten lucky tonight, but where could Rei be?"

As he was leaving, he noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Curious, he picked it up and looked at it. He gasped at seeing some of the threatening writing on it. As he read the letter, he became even more desperate to find Rei.

"Oh shit... I hope she doesn't do anything stupid."

* * *

"Fifty thousand, old man!"

"Eh?" the old man mumbled, cupping his ear.

Rei flashed five fingers. "Fifty thousand for the night of your dreams." She struck a sexy pose. If I wasn't sure this guy wasn't a cop, I'd never be this direct.

"Eh? I only have ten thousand." His shaky hand held out a ten thousand yen bill.

Rei shook her head sadly. "It'll be a quickie then..."

* * *

Rei slid off the old man and silently walked towards the bathroom without even looking back. Her face was expressionless except for a single tear that rolled down her cheek.

She cleaned up quickly in the bathroom and then looked into the mirror. "I've got to do this... to be free of my past. I've got to do this to keep Shinji from being hurt. I've got to do this..." She trailed off as she pictured Shinji scolding her in the mirror for selling herself like this. She slowly put her hand to the mirror and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Shinji... just a few more times and never again... with anyone. I promise."

She started redressing and hoped the old man would be gone by the time she was done in the bathroom. She always hated looking into their faces afterwards.

Rei straightened the clothes she had assembled from her and Hikari's luggage. The semi-transparent halter-top was probably a sexy little thing Hikari had planned on enticing Touji with. I really don't see how those two stay together.

The lace bra she wore under the halter-top was something she'd normally do without in order to attract attention on the street, but she had been unable to leave her room without wearing it. She hated what she was doing, but a part of her wanted to remain the good girl Shinji wanted her to be. Shinji... I love you.

The little mini-skirt that completed the outfit was cut from a tight black dress that Rei had hoped to use for their celebration party.

She doubted it would be needed now. She had chosen a path of salvation and damnation... there was no going back now. "I'm sorry, Shinji."

Before leaving the bathroom, she counted her money again. "What a cheap old man. I'm still short of the one million yen I need. How will I get it all tonight at this rate?"

* * *

Shinji was panicked as he raced down the noisy streets of Osaka-2.

Dammit... I knew I should have kept a closer eye on her. The wording of the letter he found kept rolling through his head as he ran.

Suddenly, he screeched to a halt when he saw her and a middle-aged man enter a sleazy love hotel at the far end of the street. "Shit! Don't do it, Rei!" he shouted, but she didn't hear him. Not again... Why, Rei? Why do you do this to yourself?

Shinji took off running and raced into the hotel. She wasn't in the lobby, so he rapped urgently on the little window.

An old man slowly opened the window. "How many hours?"

Shinji was not in a mood to talk, so he reached in and grabbed the old man's collar. "Which room did you give to the last couple?!"

"I can't tell you that!"

Shinji glared at the old man. "Tell me, dammit! That's my sister!"

"It's against the law for me to give out that information! Please leave or I'll call the cops!" the old man explained, as if he'd said the same thing to angry relatives, boyfriends, or lovers many times before.

In this case, Shinji was technically all three.

"She's only fourteen, you bastard! That's even more against the law... TELL ME!"

The old man cringed from the determined look in Shinji's eyes.

"Room nine, down the hall on the left!" He pressed the buzzer to admit Shinji.

Shinji released the old man and raced inside, hoping that he would be in time to stop her.

* * *

Rei sat quietly on the bed as a middle-aged man stood over her. He was bald on top with a few strands of hair strategically placed to keep his mind from admitting he was bald. A leer was plastered on his weathered old face. "You are one fine babe, you know that?"

Rei nodded awkwardly. "Thank you."

"So what do you want to do?"

"That's up to you."

Before the man could answer, the door flew off its hinges and Shinji barreled into the room and knocked the man over. "Get your filthy hands off her, you dirty, stinking ape!"

"Shinji?!" Rei gasped. A part of her wanted to scold him and tell him to leave, but a part of her was glad he had shown up.

"Come on, Rei. I don't know exactly what that letter meant, but doing this isn't going to solve anything."

Rei gasped. "You found the..." She stopped suddenly and shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry Shinji, but I have to do this to escape my past."

"Escape?!" Shinji shouted. "You fool! You're just going to end up back where you started... as a cheap whore getting your sexual thrills and living off a few yen for a quickie!"

"Shut up! It's not about money or sex!"

"Then what's it about?"

"I..." Rei went silent, stormed over to the middle-aged man, and started undoing her blouse. In her anger, she actually ended up ripping the buttons off as she snapped an order at her customer. "Come on... if you want to fuck me, you have to give me fifty thousand and kick him out!"

The man had been mute up to that point as the argument between Shinji and Rei ensued. Awkwardly, he nodded and reached for his wallet.

"Stop it!" Shinji managed to blurt.

Rei glared back at Shinji. "Shut up! You're not the boss of me!"

The man held out some bills. Before Rei could grab then, Shinji did. "I said no!"

Rei glared at Shinji and pulled back her arm, as if to hit him.

Then she stopped at stared at his eyes for an eternity. Finally she dropped to her knees and started to cry. "Why can't you just let me get this over with?"

Shinji looked down sadly at his sister, dropped down, and pulled her into a hug. "It'll be okay, Rei. I'm here for you. Whatever it is you're hiding, just tell me."

Before Rei could respond, she felt something cold on her wrist. She looked up and saw that the man had attached a pair of handcuffs to one of her wrists. "Hey! That's extra!" she blurted out of habit.

Shinji flinched as he realized that Rei may have had a darker past than he realized. Then he shuddered after he felt the other cuff slapped around his wrist. "What the hell are you doing?"

The man stood up. "You really shouldn't have grabbed the money kid, now you're both under arrest." He held out a badge.

"Shit, not again."

* * *

Shinji stared blankly at the viewpoint. His body was limp and his right eye twitched slightly.

Rei waved her hands in front of his eyes. "He's not in his normal trance."

Misato looked at Shinji as well. "I think... maybe we should let him get some rest. Let's lay him down and just leave him alone. He'll snap out of it." She looked into Shinji's eyes. "I hope."

"See, told you watching Kaji fucking me was better than watching what those two were up to."

"SHUT UP, ASUKA!" mother and daughter shouted in unison.

* * *

Shinji lay motionless on the theater floor where they had put him for what may have been an eternity. Eventually, his eyes snapped open and he starred at the ceiling for a fraction of an eternity before opening his mouth to speak. Eventually, words came out of the opened orifice. "Maybe we should paint that... it seems so familiar."

He starred at the ceiling until a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"How are you?"

Shinji looked over and saw Rei walking up to him. "I don't know...

what happened anyway?" Shinji tried not to blush as he talked to the naked Rei, since his view from the floor of her standing right by his head was very... revealing. Not to mention stimulating.

"You sort of... left us for a while when Shinji and Rei got arrested."

Shinji jerked and almost returned to his catatonic state. "Damn...

what happened after that?"

Rei shook her head. "You know new events don't unfold in that world unless you are in your trance."

"Oh yeah. Um... what do you think I should do with it?"

Rei tilted her head. "With your perfect world?"

"Yeah, it just seems like it's all falling apart. That Rei has had such a bad life and Asuka's headed for a major heartbreak. I have no idea what Touji might do to Kensuke when he finds out. And on top of all that... Shinji and Rei are headed for jail for sure this time. Frankly, it just sucks."

Rei looked sadly down at Shinji. "How does it draw fluid into one's mouth?"

Shinji cracked a smile. "No... that means it's bad and it sure doesn't seem to be getting any better."

"Oh... slang. I know you think it's bad, but do you really think making another would really solve anything?"

Shinji sighed and shrugged. "I don't know, but I can't stand watching that world anymore." He sat up and reached for the storyboards that held his perfect world on several dog-eared pages. "Maybe I should..." He started to tear them, but they didn't. "Huh?" He strained again to rip the pages in half. "Why won't they tear?"

Rei sat down on the floor next to Shinji. "Because a part of you is still holding out hope that something good will come of that world."

"No! It sucks... it's time to move on!" He tried to tear the storyboards again with the same results.

Rei shook her head sadly. "Maybe, but until you accept it inside-"

She tapped his chest twice. "-you can't tear those storyboards."

Shinji sighed and put down the storyboards. "Maybe Asuka is right, I'm living in a fantasy world... or watching a fantasy world."

Rei wrapped her arms around Shinji. "Shinji, I don't think it's a fantasy."

Shinji awkwardly looked at Rei's eyes. "Huh?"

"You can find happiness."

"Maybe... but why can't I even bring myself to end that awful world?"

"I don't know. That answer lies within you."

Shinji frowned. "Great... just what I need to do more of."

"Huh?"

"More self-introspection."

Rei thought about that for a second before smiling slightly.

"Welcome to my world."

Shinji cocked his head and looked at Rei. "What?"

"I spent many long days and nights in the cloning tank with nothing to do except think about who or what I was and why I was there."

"Did you ever find an answer?"

"No." Rei paused and looked at Shinji. "Not entirely."

Shinji cracked a smile. "Well, we have each other now. Maybe together we can find some answers."

He had meant the four of them, but that wasn't how Rei took it. She smiled and rested her head on his chest. "Thank you, Shinji, I feel the same about you."

"Rei... um..."

"What is it, Shinji?"

"Why have you've been acting so strange lately?"

Rei tilted her head. "Have I?"

"Yeah, not in a bad way, but you've seemed to get more emotional lately."

"I see. Yes... maybe I have."

"Why?"

"It's because of the power you have over me."

"Power?"

"The power to make me whole. To complete my existence."

Shinji laughed, trying to hide his sudden nervousness. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were talking about love."

"Love?"

"You don't know what love is?"

"Does anyone?"

Shinji chuckled. "Good point. You know Rei, maybe you should talk to Misato about this. I'm really not an expert on love."

"And she is?"

Shinji grinned broadly. "I've got it! You're making jokes! I almost thought you were going to kiss me or som... hmmmfff..."

Shinji stopped talking when Rei's lips were unexpectedly pressed against his. It was a sweet tender kiss, which went on forever. Or not..

Time held no meaning in the theater after all.

After the initial shock wore off, Shinji returned the kiss. This is a lot better when you can breathe during it. Their lips separated and Rei was the first to speak. "Yes, I do believe I love you."

Shinji grew very confused, but he was used to the feeling. He found himself reaching out to touch Rei's face, but he suddenly pulled it back. "I don't know what to say, Rei."

"Then don't say anything."

Shinji decided to take her advice, since talking only seemed to cause him more confusion. He sighed and lay down on the floor and resumed his contemplation of the ceiling.

He was faintly aware of Rei lying down beside him as he drifted off to sleep. It never occurred to him to wonder why.


	15. Handcuffs Suck (And Chaffe Too)!

Garden of Eva 1:5 - Handcuffs Suck (And Chafe Too)!

* * *

"Stop it!" Shinji managed to blurt.

Rei glared back at Shinji. "Shut up! You're not the boss of me!"

The man held out some bills. Before Rei could grab then, Shinji did. "I said no!"

Rei glared at Shinji a pulled back her arm. Then she stopped at stared at his eyes for an eternity. Finally she dropped to her knees and started to cry. "Why can't you just let me get this over with?"

Shinji looked down sadly at his sister, dropped down, and pulled her into a hug. "It'll be okay, Rei. I'm here for you. Whatever it is you're hiding, just tell me."

Before Rei could respond, she felt something cold on her wrist. She looked up and saw that the man had attached a pair of handcuffs to one of her wrists. "Hey! That's extra!" she blurted out of habit.

Shinji flinched as he realized that Rei might have had a darker past than he realized. Then he shuddered as he felt the other cuff slapped around his wrist. "What the hell are you doing?"

The man stood up. "You really shouldn't have grabbed the money kid, now you're both under arrest." He held out a badge.

"Shit, not again."

* * *

"Shinji's headed for the big house for sure this time!" Asuka fell to the floor of the theater and started laughing uncontrollably.

Shinji ripped the remote control out of Asuka's hand. "You don't have to keep watching that!"

"But since you erased the part where Kaji fucked me, this is the next best thing."

I just wish I could erase the events themselves and not just the images of them. Shinji glared at the naked redhead. "Why can't you shut up!"

"I will when you fuck me!" Asuka invited him in by spreading her legs.

Shinji's nose started to bleed when he saw the view spread out before him. He looked away to avoid getting any more aroused.

Unfortunately, he looked over at Rei and Misato who, of course, were also naked. His penis decided it appreciated the view.

"Hot damn! He's ready to do it finally."

Rei jumped forward and put herself between Shinji and Asuka. "No, Shinji... you shouldn't."

Shinji flinched. "I'm not going to fuck her!"

Asuka laughed. "That's not what your penis is saying."

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

Shinji waved his hand and Asuka started to fade away.

"That doesn't solve anything!" Asuka said quickly before she faded completely from view.

Shinji flinched at the comment, realizing that Asuka was right. He turned back towards the viewpoint. "If I can't end that world, I've got to do something to help them... but what?"

Rei walked up behind Shinji and wrapped her arms around Shinji's chest. "You must trust your other self to do the right thing." She pressed her head against his back and sighed.

Shinji could feel her breasts against his back. The sensation brought back memories of the kiss Rei had given him. Why did she do that? Can she really know what love is? Since Rei didn't seem inclined to bring it up, he decided to go back into his trance.

* * *

Rei and Shinji were being led out of the hotel by the police officer who had arrested them.

"You can arrest me, but let Shinji go! He didn't do anything wrong!" Rei pleaded.

"Save it, sister. You and your pimp can tell your sob story to the judge," the police officer responded without hesitation.

Shinji flinched at being called Rei's pimp.

"He's not my pimp! He's my boyfr... err... brother!"

The police officer smirked. "Better get your story straight before you see the judge, sister." He guided the handcuffed teenagers over to his car. "I've seen it all... if he's not your pimp, then you're pulling a scam to rip off your customers. Either way, you're going to jail."

Rei sighed and leaned over to Shinji. "I'm sorry you got wrapped up in this, Shinji."

"You should be more sorry you even tried to sell yourself. You are worth more than a few thousand yen!"

Rei frowned. "You think I should ask for more?"

Shinji almost choked on his tongue. "You stupid idiot! I meant you shouldn't sell your body like that!"

"Oh. I'm sorry Shinji, but I had to do this to..."

"To what?"

Rei looked down at her hands, ashamed. "It doesn't matter anymore.

After this, we probably won't be able to see each other again."

"Huh?"

"If I know my mom and grandmother, they'll pack up and move again.

Assuming we both don't end up in juvie for an extended stay, that is."

Shinji frowned. He hadn't even started thinking of the consequences of being arrested. He was more concerned about why Rei had done this after having promised not to after their last run in with the law. "I'll keep us together, somehow."

Rei smiled slightly at the love she heard in his voice. "That's sweet, but maybe I can't handle being so close to you without being able to *BE* with you."

"We'll find a way."

"I'm sorry, Shinji, I don't think it'll work."

A part of Shinji died at that moment. The thought of never being able to see Rei weighed heavily on his heart. He was numb inside when the police officer pushed them into the back of his little unmarked car.

* * *

The police officer keyed some notes into the small terminal in his car as he drove towards the police station. The flat screen on the terminal displayed Shinji and Rei's names and addresses. He scrolled down to the last line, which read, 'Detain for questioning warrant issued in Tokyo-3'. "Hmmmm..."

In the back seat, Shinji and Rei were pressed tightly together and talking softly.

"Rei, what did that letter mean? What is that Hasamoto guy going to do to me?"

Rei frowned and looked away. "Don't worry... I'll take care of it.

There is no way I'll let you get hurt."

"Then tell me what's going on."

Rei risked looking into Shinji's eyes. "I can't... it's something I don't want to get you involved in. Something... I don't want you to know."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to ruin your image of me."

Shinji flinched. What could be that bad. Compared to what she's already told me, what could possibly be worse? Shinji took her hand, the handcuffs that connected them rattling as he did so. "Rei, please tell me. I've accepted you've had a pretty bad life so far. Nothing you tell me will ever change how I feel about you."

"Which is?"

"Huh?"

Rei looked down at her lap before answering. "What are your feelings for me?"

"I love you. You know that. I've told you that."

"But... but... we can't be lovers."

Shinji sighed and clasped her hand tighter. "No... we can't. But I still love you... no matter what."

s Tears came to Rei's eyes and she leaned over and gave Shinji a tender kiss.

"Hey! Knock that out!" the police officer shouted from the front seat.

Rei and Shinji jumped apart, their faces flush with embarrassment.

"So much for your brother and sister story." The police officer huffed and went back to driving.

"Sorry," Rei muttered, without looking at Shinji.

"No... it's okay. Now about that letter...?"

Rei sighed. "You'll hate me."

"No, I won't," Shinji said without hesitating.

Rei swallowed hard and slowly worked up the nerve to tell Shinji.

She avoided looking at him when she finally spoke. "Back when I lived down here in Osaka-2, I had a boyfriend."

"That Hasamoto guy, right?"

Rei nodded. "Yeah... well things got pretty crazy at the end."

Shinji could see the pain in her eyes as she said that. "You don't have to talk about his causing your miscarriage if you don't want to..."

"That... was part of it, but what I ended up doing was..."

"Was?"

"Shinji, remember that I love you no matter what. Okay?"

"I do, Rei. Please just tell me."

"After I lost the baby... I was devastated. I loved it, even if it was the baby of that... that..."

"Koi pond-scum sucking Neanderthal?"

Just as Shinji had hoped, Rei smiled slightly. "You've met him?"

Shinji chuckled.

"Anyway, I was growing fond of the idea of giving birth when I told him about the baby and that's when... you know." She lowered her voice further to avoid the police office hearing. "After I got out of the hospital, I kind of snapped and... tried to kill him."

Shinji stammered out a question. "H... how?"

"I went over to his place while he was sleeping. I... stabbed him with a knife and... did some other stuff."

"Apparently he survived. Um... what other stuff?"

"Well... I carved some characters on his body and... tried to remove a certain appendage."

Shinji gulped and covered his groin. "He must be a pretty sound sleeper to sleep though that."

Rei nodded. "He is, but he woke up right when I started cutting it.

I'd probably be in jail right now if I succeeded." She glanced at the police office. "Alone."

Shinji shuddered at the picture that formed in his mind of her doing that. "I'm... surprised he didn't press charges."

"Well... I think he was too embarrassed to show the evidence."

"Evidence?"

"Well, let's just say I at least wanted to warn any girl who would be foolish to sleep with him exactly what kind of man he was. So I carved some very embarrassing characters on his body that expressed my true feelings for him. I'm fairly certain they are still visible."

"Marked for life... that's not so bad. He deserved it."

"Maybe, but you don't."

Shinji gulped and went pale when he remembered the letter. "So...

that's what he meant when he wrote that he would do to me what you started to do to him?" A certain oak tree shriveled up and tried its best to hide itself inside Shinji's body.

"Yes. I was trying to get some money to hire some people I know to get him to leave us alone... but now... At least I don't think he can hurt us if we're in jail."

"Rei... I... I wish you'd have trusted me to help you get out of this. Hiring some thugs to beat him up wouldn't solve anything."

"I'm sorry..."

Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace. "Never think you have to face these things alone... I'm always here for you."

Rei wiped a tear out of her eye and leaned in to kiss Shinji. She didn't care about the police officer seeing them kiss anymore. But fate had other ideas.

Suddenly, the car shook violently as the police officer slammed on the brakes. "Shit!"

The sudden stop caused Shinji and Rei to be thrown forward and hit their heads on the back of the front seat. When they looked up they gasped in unison at the giant purple foot that had appeared in front of the car. On the side of the giant foot the Nike swoosh logo was emblazoned.

"What the..." Shinji craned his neck to look up the purple leg and gasped when he saw the huge purple robot towering over them. "It's...

Unit One!"

Rei gasped at the same time and blinked a few times in astonishment. "I... I... can't believe it. The Evas aren't real!"

* * *

Shinji shook himself out of his trance and collapsed onto the theater floor. "No... no... no..."

Rei knelt down and wrapped her arms around Shinji to comfort him.

"Shinji... what's happening?" She seemed even more startled by Unit One's appearance than Shinji.

"How the hell should I know! I tried to make sure that the Evas and Angels would never be real again... I can't believe that world has collapsed to the point where reality has intruded on it."

Misato strode up to him. "Really, Shinji? Why is that so surprising?"

"Huh?"

"You made that world. Why wouldn't what you consider 'real' intrude on it?"

"Because I never wanted to see or touch another real Eva! I don't want anything to do with those killing machines ever again!"

"Then why did you put the V.R. Eva game in there?" Misato gestured at the viewpoint.

"I... I... I don't know!" Shinji buried his head in his hands. "I don't remember putting the V.R. game in there in the first place. I can't figure out how that world got to this point from my original idea for it. I..."

Rei handed him the storyboards containing the foundation for Shinji's world. "Here. You can start over."

"I tried that last night, didn't I?"

"Yes, but your heart may have accepted it after we kissed."

Shinji blushed. "Well... err..."

Misato glared down at Shinji. "You kissed my daughter?"

"Um... err... yes."

"No, I kissed him."

Misato seemed torn between having a talk with her daughter and tearing Shinji a new one. Her concern for her daughter won out. "Rei, we need to have a talk." Misato pulled her daughter away.

Shinji watched then leave. He sighed and then looked back at the viewpoint. "Damn... where the hell did that Eva came from?"

* * *

The foot moved away, strangely silent. Shinji had always imagined that a real Eva would make an enormous amount of noise when it moved, not to mention tearing up the pavement. Unlike the game Evas, this one didn't.

The police officer threw the siren on and grabbed the hand mike.

"This is unit twenty-four. I am in pursuit of a giant purple robot." He drove off in pursuit.

The radio crackled. "Um... can you repeat that unit twenty-four?"

The police officer sighed. "You heard me. I am in pursuit of a giant purple robot about twenty meters tall. It's headed southward on Sakura street."

"Understood, we will dispatch additional units to assist you."

After a brief pause, the speaker continued. "Looks like old Anno's lost it for good this time."

A second voice was heard over the radio. "Turn off your mike, idiot!"

Officer Anno tried to ignore what he just heard and instead craned his neck to try and see the top of the giant robot. "This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Rei leaned over to Shinji and spoke to him with a slight quiver in her voice. "Shinji, how can a Eva be real like that?"

"I... I just don't know, Rei. But I'll protect you no matter what."

He took her handcuffed hand and squeezed it to reassure her.

The car clipped the side of a Mercedes, causing Officer Anno to lose control of the car. It skidded to a halt and crashed into a light pole. Shinji and Rei looked up just in time to see the purple robot move out of sight behind a tall building. "That is so strange how it doesn't make any sound." Shinji looked around to make sure Rei was okay. "Rei?"

"I'm fine."

The police officer jumped out of the car and ran down to the corner to see where the fleeing robot was headed.

Shinji looked around anxiously. "Um... Rei?"

"Yes, Shinji?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes, of course I do."

"I don't want to be separated from you."

"I know. But after this, I doubt we will be able to see each other."

"I'm not so sure." Shinji grabbed Rei's handcuffed hand with his own and pulled her towards the door the police officer had left open.

Since there wasn't a divider between the front and back seats, he managed to get over the seat and outside without too much trouble. "I won't let us be separated... ever."

"Shinji..."

Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace and gave her a deep kiss.

After the kiss, Rei just stared at Shinji with a stunned look on her face. "Brother or not, I love you. I can't promise you much, but I can't be happy without you."

Rei paused briefly, before coming to the same conclusion.

"Shinji... yes."

Shinji smiled broadly and then ran off into the night holding the hand of his lover, who just happened to be his sister. But he was no longer going to allow his father's stupidity fifteen years ago ruin his happiness.

* * *

Shinji collapsed to the floor of the theater again. "Dammit...

they're fugitives from the law again. This can't be happening."

"But it is. Guess you really love Rei, don'cha?."

Shinji flinched and looked up at Asuka. "Err... he does apparently." He pointed a shaky finger at the viewpoint.

"Fine... then I get you here." Asuka leaned down and gave Shinji a long kiss. After the kiss ended, she casually wiped her mouth off. "Not bad, Shinji, but you still have to work on not breathing when you kiss if you want to do more with me." She winked and casually glanced down at Shinji's 'reaction' to her kiss.

Shinji blushed and covered his reaction. He tried to act unaffected when he spoke, but his voice changed pitch several times. "Asuka...

Where... did you come from?"

"You think you can keep me away forever, do you?"

"No, I guess not. Well, if it means anything to you... my perfect world is in shambles."

"Told y..." Asuka trailed off and avoided saying the snappy comeback that came to her lips. "I'm sorry, Shinji. You can make another one, can't you?"

"Maybe..."

Asuka looked strangely at Shinji. Why is he still hesitating about ending that world?

* * *

Misato knelt in a far corner of the theater with Rei, who was kneeling in a very formal position. A position that Misato could never duplicate. "Rei, why did you kiss Shinji?"

"Because I love him," Rei said without hesitation.

"Why do you think you love him?"

"Why do you love Mr. Kaji?"

Misato was a little surprised at having her question turned around by Rei. "Err... it's complicated. He..."

After a long rambling explanation by Misato, only parts of which made sense, Rei nodded. "Those are the same reasons why I love Shinji."

Misato's face fell. "Huh? You can't love him for the same reasons that I love Kaji for. Especially that finger thing that Kaji does to my cl... Anyway... what are your reasons for loving Shinji?"

"The same as yours. I could ramble off the same series of incoherent thoughts that you did, but in the end it's the same. I love Shinji because I love him."

Incoherent? Misato frowned. "But... you have to have a reason."

"Because I love him."

Misato sighed. "But *WHY* do you love him."

Rei cocked her head. "Because..." Misato leaned forward in anticipation of a different answer. "I love him."

Misato deflated like a tire rolled across a spiky-haired anime character. "Rei... if you want me to treat your love for him seriously, you have to at least be able to explain *WHY* you love him." Rei opened her mouth to speak again. "Without simply saying that you love him."

Rei's mouth closed again.

Rei seemed to think for several moments before she opened her mouth again. "Do I have to be able to put it in words in order to love him?"

Misato thought about that for a moment. "No... but you have to at least have something you yourself can point to and say 'that is why I love him'."

"Oh..." Rei paused and then looked at Misato. "I have plenty of those."

Misato's jaw dropped again. "Well, then tell me."

Rei frowned. "I can't. I don't know how to verbalize it. It's a feeling deep within me that makes me feel incomplete without him. When he's near me, I feel whole and at peace. When he is troubled, I am troubled. When he is sad, I am sad and want to make him happy. When he is happy, I am happy. Right now... I feel a longing to be near him. I just don't know how to put that feeling into words. I'm sorry."

Misato just stared at her daughter for what seemed like an eternity. Considering the nature of the theater and the post-Third Impact world, maybe it was. "Rei... I think you just did."

Rei thought back to her previous words. "But those words don't really describe what I feel inside, they just touch the surface."

Misato smiled. "That's the nature of love. Sometimes it can't be explained fully to other people, but I think you did a fine job."

"Thank you," Rei replied flatly.

Since she had never expected to have children, Misato never expected to be in the position of talking to a daughter about love. She took a deep breath and looked at Rei. "Now... when a man and woman love each other, certain things happen and they usually wish to show their love in physical ways."

"Sex."

Misato gulped. "Yes, that is one way. But it's an important step that shouldn't be rushed into."

"I've already told him that we have all the time in eternity."

Misato cracked a smile and looked around. "Yes, our situation here does tend to make time seem irrelevant, doesn't it? What did you do last night?"

"I kissed him and he kissed me back. It was most... stimulating."

"Just kissing, huh?" Rei nodded. "Well, that's a good start. Why did you suddenly kiss him last night?"

"Because Asuka dropped out. Until then, I thought Shinji might have feelings for her."

"How do you know he doesn't?"

Rei seemed confused by the question. "I can tell."

Misato decided to avoid another long never ending series of questions about why she can tell. Instead, she decided it was as good as time as any to explain the birds and the bees to her daughter. Later, she would come to regret that decision.

* * *

Officer Anno shot round after round into the giant purple robot.

A group of obviously drunk men were laughing and making rude comments to the police officer. "Hey, you can't kill no... hic... giant purple robot with a little itty bitty gun like that!"

"Yeah! Don'cha know you need a bazooka or a big laser canon to battle giant robots?"

"Don't forget the secret giant robot the government always seems to find at the last minute to save the world."

"Yeah... hic... gotta find the secret hideout of the evil scientist and use the prototype robot to battle the purple one he's using to take over the world!"

"What color would that one be?"

"Salmon pink."

"What! What kind of... hic... color is that for a giant robot...

it's got to be a cool color like red... or maybe blue."

"Ick... Moss green would be better."

"You're color blind..."

"So... wassa ya gonna to do about it!"

The drunk just stared at his friend for a few seconds before puking all over him.

"Hey!"

"You know what?"

"What?"

"That's a nice color on you."

"Shut up!"

Officer Anno reloaded his gun and fired off another round. He briefly wondered if he could spare a few bullets on the drunks.

The pukee studied the position of the policeman and the robot for a few seconds. "Hey, don't the little policemen usually get crushed by the giant robots when they try to shoot them?"

The puker gasped. "Yeah! Let's get out of here!"

"No! I want to see him get squished." The two drunks looked over at the policeman.

"You need a bigger gun?!"

Officer Anno reloaded his gun again and tried to ignore the drunks in vain.

"You call that a weapon? I'll show you a real weapon." The man pulled down his pants and exposed himself. His weapon was quite...

impressive until the giant purple foot came down on top of him.

The police officer continued to blaze away. He smiled in triumph when the robot started to collapse. Then the shadow from the collapsing robot encased him in darkness. A look of pure horror appeared on his face and he started to run, but he was quickly covered by the body of the giant purple robot and pressed into the pavement.

* * *

Shinji and Rei cowered in a dark alley under some cardboard boxes.

Shinji kept his eyes peeled for signs of trouble although he couldn't really see anything from where he sat.

"Shinji?"

Shinji looked down at the girl he held tightly in his arms. "Yes?"

"You realize there's no going back now, don't you?"

"I know. It may have been impulsive, but I just can't stand the thought of being separated from you. We can't get married or anything...

but we can live together."

"I love you, Shinji."

Shinji leaned down to kiss Rei. "Yes, I do too." As his lips touched hers, the sky opened up and rain started to pour down on them.

The kiss forgotten, they awkwardly got to their feet and ran off to find some shelter without being caught or spotted by anyone. Considering they were still handcuffed together, that might prove to be an impossible task.

* * *

Police cars screeched to a halt and police officers in uniforms swarmed out of them. They ran through the rain and towards the fallen robot, searching for casualties. Suddenly, a movement caught their eye and they pointed. "Look, over there!"

They ran to the edge of the giant just as Officer Anno crawled out from under it. "Damn, that was close."

"You okay?" one of the other officers asked while holding out his hand.

Officer Anno took the offered hand and stood up. "Yeah. Guess one of my bullets hit it."

"Probably several. But the people who lost the balloon aren't going to be happy."

Officer Anno smiled weakly. "Balloon? I thought..." He looked back at the robot and was a little surprised to see a large expanse of purple fabric instead of a large purple robot.

"What? You thought it was a real robot?" on of the cops said, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah... sort of. It looked pretty impressive."

The other officer stifled a laugh. "We just got a report that it got away from some game center downtown as they were inflating it for the final days of some big game tournament. They won't be happy that you shot it."

"It was self defense."

The officer couldn't hold back the laughter anymore. "Yeah... sure.

Whatever."

* * *

Officer Anno stepped out of the police car that had driven him back to his car. "Shit." He looked into the car and then scanned the area.

"They took off."

"You didn't lock the car?"

"I was sort of in shock at seeing the giant robot and all."

"Well, you got their names, so we can put out an arrest warrant for them."

"Actually, there's already a detain for questioning warrant out for them in Tokyo."

"Really? Damn shame that two young kids like that have to end up in jail."

"They are hardly good kids. They'll get what they deserve."

* * *

The next morning, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke stood in the entrance to the Eva center, looking very worried and nervous. Hikari was next to Touji and as far away from Kensuke as she could be. She was also avoiding any and all eye contact with him.

Kensuke for the most part, was enjoying watching some crumbs on the floor to avoid looking at Touji. Just being so close to Touji made him shake in his army boots. The only thing keeping Kensuke from running as far away from Touji as he could get was the Eva championships. He and Hikari had sworn never to tell anyone that they had ended up in bed together the night before. And they were definitely not going to mention what happened while they were in bed together.

While Kensuke's main concern for not wanting anyone to find out was that he didn't want Touji to kill him, Hikari's reason was deeper. She was devastated that she lost her virginity to Kensuke and not Touji. She had been so distraught that she cried most of the night and hadn't even noticed that Rei didn't return to the room that they shared until Asuka came to pick them up for breakfast.

Hikari looked at her watch for the millionth time that morning.

"Where could they be?"

Touji shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Shinji didn't come back to our new room last night."

Hikari and Kensuke visibly flinched.

Trying not to let her voice show the shame she felt inside, Hikari spoke. "You could have told me you guys moved to a new room!"

"Yeah!" Kensuke blurted.

Touji frowned at their unusual concern over the switched rooms.

"Well... I'm so sorry that Shinji backed up the plumbing! Kensuke found the new room eventually. And I'm sorry I missed our date, Hikari."

Hikari clenched her teeth. If you knew what happened you'd really be sorry. Because of you I... I...

Any further conversation about the events of the previous night was interrupted when Asuka stormed into the Eva center. "They are still not at the hotel! And I can't reach either of their parents in Tokyo-3."

"I'm starting to get worried," Hikari said.

"Yeah..." the two boys agreed.

"So what do we do about the Eva game today?" Kensuke mentioned.

Asuka sighed. "I don't think we can win with just the four of us.

What the hell could have happened to those two? Shinji really pisses me off sometimes. If he had been more assertive, what happened last night..." She trailed off to avoid talking about last night.

A leer appeared on Touji's face. "Did something happen with you and Shinji last night?"

Asuka smashed her purse over Touji's head. "NO!" Inside she wished that it had been Shinji. Hell, I'd rather fuck Kensuke than that old fossil Misato's dating... although I guess he's kind of cute. And it did feel great. The feeling of his hands on my breasts. The heat from his... She unsuccessfully tried to hide the blush that appeared on her face.

Touji smirked as his suspicions seemed to have been confirmed. I bet they did it... and Shinji was so freaked at his lame performance he ran off to join the circus. Damn, Shinji beat me to it then. Well, I'll be next for sure.

While Touji was jumping to all the wrong conclusions, one of the Eva tournament organizers approached them. She was a teenager just slightly older than they were. "Dark Eva Knights? Your match is scheduled for two o'clock this afternoon in Central Dogma. You can use the entry plugs in launch bay five until one o'clock for training if you like."

Hikari nodded. "Thank you. Um... a couple of our players are delayed. Is it possible to get a later start time if they don't show up?"

The girl shook her head. "No, 'fraid not. You'll have to either forfeit, use two more drones, or you can add replacements for the two drones you are already using. But those replacements will have to play the rest of the tournament matches."

"I see... thank you." Hikari looked back at the gang, except for Kensuke. "Guess we'll have to use drones if they don't show up."

Asuka fumed. "We'll be massacred! We've barely managed to win so far using two drones... four? Even an inexperienced pilot would be better."

"Okay, you brats... we're leaving!"

They all looked around to see a very angry Misato in the doorway. A very tired looking Kaji hobbled up behind her. His legs were bowed, as if he was very sore between his legs. Considering the number of times Asuka had kicked him there the night before, he was lucky to be standing at all.

Hikari was the first to speak. "Miss Katsuragi?"

"You heard me. This little trip is cancelled. We're going back to Tokyo-3."

Asuka avoided looking at Kaji. "Why? What's wrong? Did something happen to Shinji and Rei?"

The others all added their concern after Asuka's question.

Misato glared at Asuka, but answered. "They had some... problems last night. As far as I know they are okay. I just talked to their parents and they indicated it was unlikely that they would be playing your little games with you anymore."

"What's going on?" Hikari asked, worried.

"Their parents are heading down here now and asked me not to go into details. That's all I can tell you."

* * *

Later, the gang ate lunch near the train station while they waited for their train back to Tokyo-3. Misato was in another booth yelling at Kaji for something that he did last night. Only Asuka knew what that was, but she wasn't about to spill the details.

"What could that guy have done that made her so mad?" Kensuke asked, watching Misato's breasts bounce with each shout.

"How would I know!" Asuka blurted, then blushed and sunk into her seat.

The others looked a bit oddly at her, but then went on with their lunch conversation.

Asuka looked around when she heard a train whistle. "Damn... we should have kept the plane tickets. I hate trains."

Hikari sighed. "Well, if SOMEONE wouldn't have lost half the tickets-" She glared at Touji. "-then we wouldn't have had to exchange the remaining tickets for cheaper train tickets."

"I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what happened to the tickets." Touji absently glanced at his bag where his new night-vision binoculars were stashed. By some sort of amazing coincidence, they cost about the same as three round trip airplane tickets would cost. Go figure.

"What are you looking at, Touji?" Hikari asked.

Touji changed the subject suddenly. "Damn, I hope Shinji is alright."

"Me too. You know... I still wish we didn't have to give up the championships." Kensuke looked longingly at the binder that he kept all his Eva specs and game materials in. His gaze moved to a waitress who was bending over nearby. His eyes silently shifted between his two current passions: Eva and girls. He caught sight of Hikari's glare and quickly looked at the hamburger on his plate to avoid getting aroused.

Hmmm... the slit between the patties looks a little like... He absentmindedly prodded the patties with a knife.

Hikari huffed. What is with that boy? Checking out other girls when he has me... She almost choked on her tongue at the disturbing thought. What am I saying! She tried to hide the blush that came to her face.

Touji finally reached a conclusion about what he thought they could do. "You know guys... Kensuke is right. I don't know what's going on with Rei and Shinji, but I think they'd hate it if we just gave up on the championships."

"But how can we possibly win with just the four of us?" Asuka asked.

"We can't." Touji's eyes drifted towards Kaji and Misato.

Asuka was the first to protest. "No way! I won't play with..." She caught herself just in time from mentioning Kaji and the string of expletives that's always came to mind when she thought or looked at him.

"...amateurs like those."

Kensuke seemed to consider this. "They might be better than drones and Misato does know how to handle a joystick pretty well." A very vivid image formed in Kensuke's mind of Misato servicing his 'joystick'.

Touji frowned. "Huh? How do you know that?"

"Um... I heard her talking once."

Touji grinned broadly. "I bet she's has lots of experience with them, but not the ones you use for Eva." He winked.

"You idiot! That's not what Kensuke meant!" Hikari glanced at Kensuke. At least it had better not be what he meant. If he let someone else touch it... Hikari again had to scold herself for thinking like Kensuke was her boyfriend. Get a hold of yourself girl... Touji's your boyfriend, not Kensuke!

"It's either play with them, play with just the four of us and four drones, or go home and live with the whole school calling us quitters."

Touji hoped that last statement would energize her team.

"Hey! Who said we quit! Shinji and Rei maybe, but not me!"

"Me either!"

"I can see the logic of having human players, even inexperienced players, that we can instruct on where their services are needed the most. Drones just fire blindly at the enemies and would be useless if one of us needed assistance. At least with human players we can form some tactical plans that may give us a slight edge over our competitors."

After Kensuke's longwinded response, the other three looked at him for a few heartbeats before Hikari spoke. "We'll take that as a yes."

* * *

Asuka lopped off Kaji's head with a long pike. She grinned as she saw his corpse crash to the ground. She embedded the pike in his groin and twisted it.

"Asuka! Why did you do that?!" Hikari screamed from her entry plug.

Asuka flinched. She had let her anger over what Kaji did to her, and put in her, the night before get the better of her. "I just wanted him to get the taste of what the weapons are capable of if he's not careful."

That seemed to appease Hikari for the moment. "Just don't do it in the real game. Now, we only have another hour in these entry plugs for training so let's start on some tactics."

"I think Misato's still trying to get the basics down," Asuka mentioned and looked over at Misato in her red Eva Unit five. At the moment it was running full speed, but since it was wedged into a crack in a wall it wasn't going anywhere fast.

Hikari sighed. We're doomed. She looked over and saw that Kaji had regenerated. "Okay, Kaji, remember that you don't regenerate in tournament play. You get killed and you're no use to us."

"Yeah... whatever. Do I really have to do this?" Kaji said, slowly walking across the battlefield. He seemed to have walking mastered until he tripped over a tanker truck. Both the truck and Kaji's Eva were engulfed in a huge fireball.

Hikari and Asuka sighed in unison.

* * *

"I still don't know why we have to do this, Honey," Kaji said, trying to be as charming as possible. "This is very dangerous for a man in my position. I could easily be seen by the press or..."

Misato sighed. "Well, it's your own fault for fucking that little redhead last night! Look before you fuck next time!"

"I'm sorry... I thought you had a room alone."

"You are such a moron..."

"Yes, dear."

Asuka stormed up to Kaji and Misato. "You guys had better be better than that in the real game, or I will cut your head off for real!"

"That's no way to talk about adults!" Misato scolded her student.

Asuka glared at Misato. "Look... I don't like this either, but I want to win this championship and that means we need some players who can take orders."

"Yes, but..." Kaji's complaint was quickly silenced by Asuka's next statement.

"But nothing! If you don't, then the story about a certain mayoral candidate fucking a pure and innocent teenager will be all over the news."

"You wouldn't..."

"I would." The look Asuka gave them indicated she wasn't bluffing.

* * *

"So, the man inserts his penis and rocks back and forth to stimulate the clitoris and his own penis?"

"Yes."

"I see. What happens next?"

"Orgasm."

"I see. "

"Well, actually, you usually can't see much during that since the feeling is so intense that you usually shut your eyes at the sensation.

Actually, I blacked out entirely once back in college, but that might have been due to the dru..."

"Is it that painful?"

"Yes and no. Your first time will usually be painful, but if he does it right, it'll end in ecstasy."

"Can you show Shinji how to do it right then?"

"Rei!"

"What?"

"Now, I'm not saying you should, but don't you want Shinji's and your first time to be the same?"

"Yes."

"Well, then I can't really show him, can I?"

"No, I guess not. Can you at least explain it to him?"

Sweat dripped form Misato's forehead. "I'll... think about it, Rei.

But I'll have to take some time to recover from this talk first."

"I understand," Rei said calmly.

* * *

Shinji and Rei huddled together in an old warehouse. Rainwater seeped through holes in the roof and splashed all around them. They sat in an office overlooking the warehouse floor, shivering from the cold breeze that assaulted their exposed skin. Shinji's pants, Rei's halter-top, and her skirt hung nearby drying. Shinji's shirt hung on the chain of the handcuff, since he couldn't take it all the way off with the cuffs on.

"Are they dry yet?" Rei asked.

Shinji reached up and felt the pants and skirt. "Nope." He sat back down and drew Rei back into his arms. They squirmed a bit, trying to find a position that both of their arms were comfortable. The handcuffs didn't make this easy. "Ouch..." he grabbed his wrist and rubbed it.

"Sorry."

Shinji shook his head. "No, it's not your fault. The cuff is chafing me."

"When the rain stops and it gets darker, I know someone who can get us out of them."

Shinji looked at her appraisingly and idly fingered a strand of hair with his free hand. "You've had a rough life, haven't you?"

"Yes..." She snuggled closer to him. "...but it's looking better."

"Um... being on the run from the law is better?"

"If it's with you, it is."

Shinji smiled. He leaned down and kissed Rei. Using his un-cuffed hand, he caressed her face as their tongues danced with each other.

After the kiss ended, Shinji casually started to pull back from Rei.

Rei wasn't willing to stop at a kiss. "No..." She pulled Shinji back to her and started nibbling on his neck. She worked her way down his chest and then looked for an oak tree in his shorts. She found it without any trouble.

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: chafe v. 1 make or become sore or damaged by rubbing 2 make or become annoyed; fret

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

chafe v. 1 make or become sore by having Shinji's penis inside me 2 make or become annoyed because Shinji won't pop my cherry Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition:

chafe v. 1 ain't going to happen, Asuka 2 make or become annoyed with Asuka's constant nagging and yelling

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother: chafe v. 1 foreplay will help to lubricate the vagina to prevent chafing 2 make or become annoyed if Shinji even thinks of touching my daughter -E- -V- -A-

"Whoopie... their second time," Asuka said flatly. "It'd be a lot more interesting if he'd fuck me now. Variety is the spice of life, you know." She examined the rather intense scene on the viewpoint. She suddenly tilted her head to follow the action.

Rei tilted her head as well, but in the opposite direction for some reason. "I don't think he will do that."

Asuka looked over to Rei and frowned. "What are you doing?"

Rei looked up from the notepad she was taking notes in. "Just doing some research."

"Research?"

"For when I have sex with Shinji."

Asuka's jaw dropped. "Huh? Don't tell me you're actually going to collect on our bet?"

Rei shook her head. "No. My mother suggested I have sex with Shinji."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that. You're probably reading too much into something innocent she said."

"She said two people in love should have sex."

"Ha! Well, Shinji loves me, so you're out of luck."

"No, he doesn't."

Asuka looked back at the viewpoint where Rei has Shinji's oak tree firmly under control. "If you're so sure that he loves you, then why don't you try doing what your other self is doing right now?"

"Should I?"

"Yeah... I'm sure Shinji would love it." Asuka started to laugh, since she knew Rei would never do something like that. Would she? -E- -V- -A-

A pair of handcuffs rattled in the tiny office. A pair of panties arced through the air. A pair of boxers followed soon after. And finally a bra slid down a slender arm and dangled from the aforementioned handcuffs.

Shadows of two people in love danced on the wall. Despite sharing a father, they were brother and sister no more. They were lovers, through and through.

* * *

Shinji snapped out of his trance and looked around confused.

"What's that odd sensation?" He caught sight of Asuka, who was several meters away and looking at him with a shocked look on her face. "What's wrong, Asuka?"

"Look down, you idiot!"

Shinji looked downwards. His jaw dropped and his eye started to twitch uncontrollably when he saw what Rei was doing to his mighty oak.

"Rei..." he gasped, but it was barely audible. A warm feeling rushed up his body that was most... pleasurable.

Rei continued her... activity while Asuka looked on horrified and strangely aroused. I never thought the clone would really do it... she is so weird.

Shinji shuddered and then swallowed in order to clear the lump in his throat. "Rei... please stop."

Rei pulled back, swallowed, and looked up at Shinji. "Huh? Asuka said you'd like it."

Shinji glared at Asuka. "Well, Asuka was making a bad joke." He waved her hand to dismiss her.

Asuka vanished from the theater, not happy about being forced to leave just when things were getting interesting.

"So you didn't like it?"

Shinji blushed. "Err... um... yeah, I guess it was nice, but I don't think... that... you know... it's not the right time... well..."

"So, I should continue then?" Rei made to resume her task, but Shinji stopped her.

"No..." Shinji helped Rei to her feet and looked at her eyes.

"Um... maybe you should talk to your mother about this."

"I did. She said that two people in love use sex to express their love."

Shinji blushed. "I know you think you love me, but... I don't know how to respond to that." He cringed at the outcome of the last person...

the only other person to tell him that they loved him. Why did you put me in that situation, Kaworu? Why...

A tear came to Rei's eye. "So you hate me?"

Shinji gasped. "No... of course not. I... just don't know what to make of all this. Everything has gotten so weird suddenly."

"Here or in your perfect world?"

"Both." Shinji let out a long sigh and dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged.

"Um... I have to talk to my mother." Rei looked confused as she scurried off leaving Shinji alone.

Shinji plopped down onto his back and looked at the ceiling. After starring at it for something short of an eternity, he spoke. "We have GOT to paint that damn ceiling!"

* * *

Shinji slid off Rei, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I love you, Rei."

Rei smiled peacefully. "I've missed your touch."

"Yeah... I still feel awkward doing it with my sister, but..."

"I could tell. It was still great." Rei gave Shinji a long kiss and then tried to locate her panties.

Suddenly, they were bathed in bright light from outside followed by the sounds of a helicopter hovering nearby panning a searchlight around the overcast area.

Shinji looked around. "What the?"

An amplified voice came from outside the warehouse. "Come out with your hands up. We have you completely surrounded!"

"It's the cops!" Rei stood up suddenly and looked around. "This way!" She grabbed Shinji's handcuffed hand and ran towards the back door.

Within a few seconds, they were outside and running down a back alley.

Shinji finally managed to say something. "Rei, we forgot our clothes!"

Rei looked down at their naked bodies and laughed. "You look great, don't worry about it."

Shinji couldn't help laughing at the situation he found himself in: Running naked down the street handcuffed to his half-sister who he had just had the greatest sex imaginable with. Well, it was only his third time, so he still had a lot to learn. Handcuffs were for beginners, after all.

Everyone knew professionals used leather straps.

* * *

Next door to the warehouse that Shinji and Rei had just run out of, the cops swarmed into another old warehouse and busted up the drug lab housed within.


	16. Love Sucks!

Garden of Eva 1:6 - Love Sucks!

* * *

Round three.

Misato was running full speed towards two of the blue enemy units.

As she neared them, she screamed when they started firing bullets and rocket shells at her. Stupid little brats. Whether she was thinking about the enemy or her teammates who had forced her and Kaji into playing in the championships was anybody's guess.

"Misato, two second jump jet burst! NOW!" Hikari ordered over the intercom.

Misato frantically searched her controls. "Jump jets... jump jets..."

Hikari sighed irritably. "Left thumb button! Hold it down for two seconds!"

Misato's entry plug shook under the impact of another explosive shell. "Ah!" She held down the button Hikari indicated, which caused her Eva's jump jets to ignite and lift her Eva into the air. As it rose into the air, it flailed its arms wildly. Her displays showed the scenery and the attacking Eva's diminishing under her. "Oh shit! I'm afraid of heights!" After the two seconds had elapsed many times over, she finally let go of the button when she had to put her hands over her mouth in order to avoid making a mess in the entry plug.

After tracing a smooth arc over the two enemy Evas, her Eva touched down. The jarring of the entry plug as she landed caused her to finally lose her lunch. As she had been told to do if not instructed to do anything else, Misato took off running in a straight line again. As she ran, she wiped the sushi off the front display.

The two blue Evas that she had just jumped over spun around and gave chase.

Hikari smiled at her tactical display as she traded sword blows with another Unit Five like her own. Not bad. She got two of them away from the main battle. If she can keep them busy long enough... So concerned over Misato, Hikari almost missed seeing a second Eva with a progressive knife lunge at her from behind. She did a quick side flip and dodged the attack. She followed with a quick swing of her sword and managed to slice her attacker between two pieces of armor covering its leg. Blood spurted out of the wound.

Without any time to relax, Hikari deflected a sword blow from her original opponent. Shit. She scanned the tactical display and saw that she was pretty much on her own.

Although the second Eva was wounded, it was merely a flesh wound and wouldn't prove to be too much of a problem to the pilot. Hikari was managing to fend off their blows, but was being slowly pushed backwards towards a group of buildings. They're trying to pin me down. -E- -V- -A-

Asuka swung her pike in a wide arc, slicing two nearby Angels in half before her pike embedded itself in her real opponent: a blue Unit One.

Asuka felt her pike enter the soft flesh of her opponent and smiled in triumph. "Now, Kaji!"

Kaji swung around in his Unit Eight and hefted his long-range rifle in his arms. He pointed it towards the Eva Asuka had skewered and fingered the trigger. Line up the target... squeeze the trigger... He remembered his quick and dirty training and blasted away. The bullets went wide of the target. Way wide. A nest of the sickeningly cute Angel babies went up in smoke instead of the Eva.

"Pika... chuuuuuuuuu!"

"Dummkopf! Line up the target first!" Asuka was barely able to hold her enemy still using her long pike. Unfortunately, she couldn't finish off the enemy without first releasing it from the end of her pike. Under normal circumstances, she might be able to withdraw the pike and dispatch the Eva before it could damage her, but she could see another enemy Eva approaching fast from her flank. "Kaji! Blast this thing fast!"

Kaji's reply came over the intercom. "I'm trying... this thing won't fire straight."

"You child molesting, half-inch-long dick, shit for brains! Blast this Eva on the end of my pike before the one coming up from behind me kills me!"

"You little slut!" Kaji emptied his clip in the direction of Asuka and hit the Eva at the end of her pike instead. It went up in a huge ball of fire.

Just as I thought... he can't shoot to save my life unless he's trying to kill me. As she gloated about her cleverness in getting him to finally hit the target, she spun around just in time to slash her other attacker across his Eva's chest. "Ha!"

She did a side flip and parried one of the arm blades of the Unit Ten. Crap... I hate these damn Tens. She managed a glancing blow to its shoulder, but in the follow up the enemy got his left blade through her defenses and cleanly sliced off her right arm.

Asuka's entry plug shuddered at the blow. She glanced at her damage display. "Only a flesh wound... Kaji! Will you put a new clip in and start firing at this guy already?"

"I can't get a clear shot!"

"Like that would help!" She grinned as he started firing again. As the enemy unit exploded, she cheered. Her cheering stopped when the explosion blew off her right leg. "Shit!" She hopped around, using all her skill to keep her balance.

A warning from Kaji saved her life. "Asuka, look out, five o'clock!" Or would have saved her life if he'd gotten the direction correct.

Asuka looked at five o'clock and was promptly impaled by a sword from the opposite direction. "You bastard! You two-timing, mother-fu..." The rest of her expletives where cut off when her Eva exploded and her intercom was automatically disabled.

* * *

Hikari saw Asuka's indicator fade from the tactical map. "Shit, we've lost Asuka. It's six to five now." Although one of their drones was still firing away at two blue Eva's that were attacking Touji, Hikari never included drones in her counts. If Kaji didn't technically have two kills already and Misato didn't have two of the enemies chasing her-and thus not bothering the rest of the Dark Eva Knights-she'd have considered the count six to three.

Hikari's sword flashed out again and scraped across her enemy's sword, causing sparks to fly. This guy has got to be the best Eva swordsman I've ever fought. He's countered every blow I've thrown at him. She scanned the surrounding area. How can I stop this jerk?

Everyone is occupied... Hikari saw one of the enemy Eva's vanish from her display. "Good going, Kensuke! Um... Touji could use some help...

the one that killed Asuka is almost on top of him and he's got two on top of him already."

"Already on my way... what about you?"

"I'm one on one with this guy... he's good, but I can handle him."

As she talked, she spotted something in her side display. She did a side flip to get into position.

"Kaji... see if you can blast any of the Evas by Touji."

Hikari saw a building about a hundred meters from Touji go up in flames. "Aim the gun, dammit!"

"I'm trying, you brat!"

"My parents are voters..."

Kaji shuddered in his entry plug and his political instincts took over. "Aim... squeeze..."

One of the Evas attacking Touji suddenly went up in flames.

"Shit... he did it," Hikari gasped in surprise. She returned her full attention to the Eva attacking her and managed to goad it into the proper position. She traded blows with her enemy until she managed to drag her sword down his, producing a long trail of sparks. The sparks hit the nearby tanker truck that Hikari had spotted earlier and a fireball engulfed both Evas.

Hikari had been expecting the explosion, so had the chance to hit her jump jets and escape with only minor damage to her Eva. Well, minor compared to the smoking ruins of her opponent. Since she was missing her left hand and a chunk of her left thigh, she was hardly in prime condition when she landed.

"Four to five... we can do this!"

Misato suddenly ran by Hikari. Although shocked by her and her pursuers' sudden appearance, Hikari managed to slice off the arm of one of Misato's pursuers before it sliced her head off.

"Damn..." Hikari pounded her dead controls. "That moron! Leading them right back to the main battle!"

* * *

Hasamoto and his gang watched the game with keen interest.

"Um... where did they get those two new players?"

"They're pretty bad..."

"But the team is holding their own... so far."

Hasamoto grunted, ending the idle speculation from his gang. "It's obvious that the two new players are amateurs, but they're using them pretty cleverly to help keep the enemy away from the good players.

That's always been Yohada's biggest problem with his team... no tactical skills. We'd be able to beat them easily this year with Makie-" He looked a the newest member of the team, a small geeky looking boy with glasses. "-to outsmart them... but the Dark Eva Knights..."

One of the tall boys laughed. "Ha! With only four good players?

Even if they get to the finals we could..."

Hasamoto glared at he boy. "Idiot! Even with only four good players they are holding their own against that team of eight good players... who almost beat us last year, if you recall."

"Oh yeah... even after we drugged their food."

Hasamoto glared at the boy who had just spoken. "I haven't forgiven you for screwing up the dosage, you know. They were just drowsy instead of falling asleep entirely."

The boy was saved by a comment from other of the other boys. "Uh oh... the Dark Eva Knights just killed another enemy... four to three now."

Hasamoto eyes burned with rage. "We need some time... Makie, fry that sucker."

The young, short boy with glasses frowned. "Now?"

"Yes... before either of the teams wins. Got it?" Hasamoto glared at the short boy.

Makie nodded quickly and scurried off.

"That's just going to delay the finals."

Hasamoto grinned broadly. "It'll be enough to make sure both teams suffer some more... shall we say 'losses' to their teams." He cracked his knuckles.

* * *

Touji sliced the head of a blue Eva off and then glanced at his tactical map. "Kensuke, you've got the last... oops." He sneered as Kensuke's indicator faded from the display. Except for Misato, who was running full speed across a minefield, he was the only Dark Eva Knight left. "Guess I get to be the big hero this time." His ego overflowed into a broad smile and he lumbered over towards the last enemy Eva, who was now chasing after Misato. "The idiot." He switched his intercom to the Dark Eva Knights general channel. "Misato... we're the only two left. I need you to..."

"No... no... no... arghhhhhh!"

Touji winced in pain from the loud scream from Misato and switch the intercom off. "I forgot that I turned it off in the first place because of her hysterical screaming. Well, she'll be no help."

He looked at his situation. "Well, I'm missing an arm, but as long as I don't have to jerk off, I'll be okay." He smiled at his joke and then grabbed a discarded rifle from the ground. He absently pulled Kaji's severed arm from the trigger and took aim at the enemy Eva. It was a little awkward to use one-handed, but Touji wouldn't let a simple missing limb stop him.

He aimed and squeezed the trigger. He frowned when he heard only a click and turned the rifle over. Instead of a magazine, the brains from Kaji's Eva were inside. "Nasty... Well, that's what you get when you let someone shove a missile up your butt, moron."

He tossed the rifle away and then ran towards the enemy, scanning the battlefield for a weapon. Why is this guy ignoring me and running after Misato? I mean... if she was naked and running like that, I would understand. Hell, I'd join in the chase. But she's just another Eva to him. As he drew closer he found a long sword embedded in Hikari's corpse. I'll avenge you and pluck your virginal cherry as my reward, my sweet Hikari.

When he was within fifty meters of the enemy, he realized why he was being ignored. "Ah! His sensor package has been damaged. He's blind except for his visual monitors." A large grin grew on Touji face. "This will be like sneaking up on a hot chick and goosing her... except I'll goose him with my sword... hmmm... I guess I could goose women with my 'sword' too." He laughed at his sick little joke, wishing someone were around to hear his wit.

He approached the Eva directly from behind, knowing that most of the Evas had a blind spot that the tactical display made up for. But since this Eva was damaged, it was unable to spot Touji's approach.

Suddenly, Misato veered left to avoid a huge diamond shaped angel that was approaching her.

"Shit!" Touji cried out and tried to adjust his attack in time, but it was too late.

The enemy Unit Ten turned to pursue Misato and in the process, the pilot saw Touji out of the side of his entry plug. The Eva's left arm blade came up and slashed Touji's remaining hand off.

"Shit!" Touji barely jumped back in time to avoid the follow-up swing from the Eva's right arm blade. He glanced at the self-destruct system, wishing he could use it to take out the last enemy and leave Misato as the sole survivor, but that system was disabled during tournament play.

He extended his flexible arm and used it to keep the enemy at arms length as he backed away as fast as he could. Unfortunately, that 'arms length' was decreasing rapidly as his enemy chopped sections of his extended arm off with each swing of his arm blades.

Touji checked his tactical map and smiled at what he saw. "He won't see it coming without his sensor package." He laughed as he slowly guided his enemy into position. Touji keyed his systems to sever his arm, turned to his right, and took off running at full speed.

His opponent was taken by surprise and looked at the fallen limb to make sure there wasn't a grenade or some other nasty surprise left behind with it. After confirming that the arm was just an arm-or most of an arm by that point-he started running after Touji. Without his tactical map he scanned the battlefield carefully, wary of a trap.

Suddenly, Touji disappeared over a hill in front of him. Not wanting to give Touji time to setup a trap, he bounded over the hill in front of him ready to slice Touji into pieces with his arm blades.

Instead, he found himself teetering on the edge of a steep canyon.

"Shit!" he cried out and tried to keep his Eva from going over the edge.

Down below, Touji watched his enemy as he plunged towards the canyon floor. "Shit... go over!" The last thing he saw was his enemy take a step backwards and avoid the plunge. "Damn."

As Touji's screen when dark, he slammed his fists against the controls. "Damn... damn... damn..."

* * *

The last member of the blue team, a pimple-faced boy named Hidoe, smiled as he managed to keep his balance and then step back from the edge of the crevasse. He grinned broadly and turned around.

The grin vanished when Hidoe saw Misato's Unit Sixteen running full speed directly at him. He tried to get out of the way, but was pushed over the edge when she ran into him. The two Evas tumbled off the cliff's edge locked in a twisted ball and fell into the deep canyon below.

"Oh shit!" Misato cried as she saw the ground rushing at her. She scanned for the off switch, but didn't find it. Mostly since there wasn't one. "I don't like this game!"

She suddenly remembered the jump jets and figured they might help her in this situation. "What I really need is a parachute, but..." She scanned the controls. "Where was that button again?"

The ground came closer and Misato just started pressing buttons at random. In the course of her pressings she managed to sever her left arm, turn on her fog lights, set off a signal flare, clean her front visual sensors, and fire a spike pack from her shoulder holster. The spikes from the pack exploded outward and actually managed to hit the enemy Eva. The two Evas pulled apart and continued their plunge separately. Although it wouldn't save her life, she also managed to trigger her armor release.

As Hidoe watched, the armor fell off Misato's Eva and revealed the featureless female body underneath. Without the sex cheat enabled, all he saw was a pair of nipple-less breasts and an opening-less, hairless groin. It was still enough for him to get a massive nosebleed. Since he had no idea what a real girl looked like naked anyway, he just assumed that all women looked like that. All his favorite anime TV shows showed that women were really like that, after all. How do women piss, anyway?

Finally, Misato managed to trigger the jump jets and slowed her descent. She grinned from ear to ear as her Eva started to gain some altitude.

Hidoe wiped the blood off his nose and forward screen. He laughed after seeing Misato's Eva rise on a plume of smoke. "Fool... you'll run out of propellant long before you reach the top and then fall to your death." He smugly calculated his rate of descent against his available propellant and waited until the last moment to fire his jump jets in order to make a soft landing on the canyon floor.

Misato's jump jets gave out just as her opponent's ignited. "Oh...

shit." She found herself falling again.

"Oh shit!" Hidoe cried out at about the same time when he realized that only one of his jump jets had ignited. He toggled the manual igniter for the second jet a few times trying to get it to fire. "Oh fuck!" he shouted when the second jump jet fired, but in the wrong direction.

Outside, a single spike from Misato's earlier accidental firing of her spike pack had been driven into one of the jump jet nozzles. The spike had damaged the control systems and deflected the nozzle of the second jet to the side.

His Eva spun around like a firecracker until it finally impacted against the canyon wall and exploded in a huge fireball.

"Oh... pretty!" Misato commented and smiled. Her smile vanished when her entry plug exploded in a series of multi-colored sparks. Real sparks.

* * *

Moments earlier, Makie crouched in a dark cabinet filled with wires and circuit boards. "Damn... this is impossible." He pulled out a mass of wires and gaped at them. "Which one is it?"

He started cutting the wires, one after the other. "Nope... nope...

nope... aaaaacckkkk!" He convulsed in pain as the electricity flowed through him.

Smoke rose from the young boy's hair. "That's the one..." Shaking his head to clear it, he stripped the insulation off the wire and moved it towards a capacitor on one of the circuit board. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes as the wire touched the capacitor.

Small cabinet he was in was quickly filled with sparks as he overloaded the game systems.

* * *

Hikari, Asuka, ad Kensuke stared at the displays in the briefing area in disbelief.

"She... won?" Asuka gasped.

"Impossible."

"Wow. I didn't even calculate the odds of Misato winning if she was the only one left. It is about as ridiculous as Hikari and me sle..."

Kensuke shut up fast before Hikari could kill him for spilling the beans about him planting his tree in her forest. "Well, err... um..."

Before Kensuke could dig himself deeper into trouble, Touji walked out of the launch bay with a huge frown plastered on his face. "Sorry guys... I blew it."

Hikari giggled at the forlorn look on his face. "You are so cute.

Misato managed to kill the enemy Eva and win the game for us."

Touji's jaw dropped and he looked at the monitors. On one was the frozen image of the players' stats. Only Misato's Eva was listed as functional. "Wow... I don't believe it." He frowned again when he saw all the other monitors were displaying digital static. "What's wrong with the other displays?"

"Who cares! We won!" Asuka threw her fist triumphantly into the air.

"It's a miracle!" Hikari started to laugh.

"No, just an improbable series of events that..." Kensuke's serious demeanor vanished as he couldn't hold back any more. "...allowed us win the game. We are so great!"

As Kaji sat nearby and brooded, the gang started to dance around and celebrate. The four teenagers all hugged each other.

Kensuke and Hikari exchanged embarrassed smiles when the group hug broke up.

Asuka decided not to kill Touji for feeling her up. I'll give him this one for free. I'm too happy to make him a eunuch today. Their celebration was cut short when a group of the game center's workers rushed by. "Out of the way... there's something wrong with the system!"

* * *

The gang looked on concerned as they wheeled Misato out on a stretcher. Kaji rushed to Misato's side. "Oh my... how could I have let you do something so dangerous?"

Misato looked vacantly into Kaji's eyes and made some gurgling noises.

"Don't try to speak. I love you." Kaji kissed her sweetly on the lips.

Misato moved her jaws as if to speak. Kaji bent down and placed his ear to her mouth. As he heard her whisper, he smiled. "Don't worry about that. Right now, you are my only concern. I'm sure there isn't a reporter within miles of here." He bent down and kissed her again.

Suddenly, a man popped up and took a picture of the kissing couple.

"What a scoop!"

Kaji started to chase the photographer but lost him in the crowd surrounding them. "Shit."

* * *

One of the Eva championship organizers stood at the front of the assembled crowd, which included Asuka, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke. Kaji had gone to the hospital with Misato. Fortunately, she wasn't hurt too badly and only had a few minor electrical burns. "Ladies and gentlemen.

The game systems have suffered a huge power surge that overwhelmed our protection circuits. Unfortunately, we will not be able to hold the finals tomorrow. We will reschedule for a later date either here or at the Eva center in Tokyo-3."

There was a lot of grumbling and complaints from the crowd, but one angry voice was heard over the rest. "What about that last game? Did we win?" Asuka asked, since they never announced the official results after Misato got her butt fried.

The other members of the Dark Eva Knights added their voices to her question while their opponents tried to claim that their last player was still alive when the game was damaged.

"He was not, you asshole!" Asuka glared at the other team.

The organizer in front waved her hands. "Quiet... quiet. We have reviewed the data from the game and it does appear that the last 'Mother Fucker'-" She paused to shake her head sadly at the lame names that some of the teams chose. "-died two point one five seconds before the power surge. So the Dark Eva Knights are the winners of the third round and will advance to the final championship round and play the Rampaging Evas."

The gang all cheered and hugged each other. In their excitement, Hikari and Kensuke exchanged a light kiss. They quickly moved away and tried to hide their embarrassment. Touji meanwhile was taunting the other team. "Buttholes! You lost... you lost... the Mother Fuckers are a bunch of losers!"

Needless to say, Touji was beaten up by eight pissed off boys.

* * *

"Makie, you fucking idiot!" Hasamoto kicked the trembling boy again. "I told you to make sure to fry the game BEFORE either team won!"

Another kick.

Makie grimaced from the impact and curled up tightly in a ball. "I tried... I did my best."

"That's not good enough!" Another kick.

The sole girl in Hasamoto's team grabbed Hasamoto's shoulder.

"Hassy... please... don't hurt him any more. I'm sure he got the point."

Hasamoto backhanded the girl. "Shut up, bitch! I'll teach this little moron not to screw up my plans!"

The girl fell to the floor and put a hand to the dark red welt that had appeared on cheek that he hit. "I'm... sorry... but we'll need his help if we're going to beat them in the final round."

Hasamoto stopped his latest kick before it connected. He considered her words for a few seconds before kicking the bruised boy again.

"Fine... that'll be enough. But you screw up again, and I won't stop kicking you until you're dead. Got it?"

The bleeding mass grunted.

Hasamoto stormed out of the room. The girl started to go to help the boy, but flinched when Hasamoto barked another order. "Rei, come on!"

The girl mouthed a silent 'sorry' to the boy and then scurried off after Hasamoto. I really wish he'd call me by my real name. -E- -V- -A-

Rei ran down the street wearing just her bra and part of Shinji's torn up shirt wrapped around her waist to make an improvised skirt. As she ran, the skirt flapped and caused occasional flashes of blue hair.

This caused passing men to stop and stare. It also caused a number of passing cars to crash into light poles and trashcans.

Shinji ran by her side, wearing the rest of his shirt as a loincloth. In their haste to escape from the police, they had run out of the warehouse so fast and left most of their clothes behind. If they were swinging through the jungle on vines, they wouldn't have looked out of place.

But instead, they were running through a district in Osaka-2 handcuffed together. If it was the red-light district, they might have gone unnoticed and maybe even gotten jobs at one of the myriad of S and M shops that one found in the red-light district.

But instead, they were in an upscale shopping district. The three policemen who were chasing them did not seem to be offering them employment either. Except maybe jobs making license plates.

Anyway, the Tarzan and Jane wannabes held each other's hands tightly as they dodged pedestrians and tried to evade their pursuers.

They held each other's hands not for comfort or reassurance, but to avoid chafing.

"Shit... we've got to get out of these handcuffs and get some clothes!"

"Don't worry about it, Shinji, you look great," Rei smiled at her half-naked lover. Her eyes brightened as she caught sight of a familiar building. "Down that alley! Quick!"

They hung a quick left and entered a long thin alley. Rei ran down about halfway before bursting through an old door. She pulled Shinji inside and slammed the door shut. She leaned against it and breathed heavily.

Shinji looked around the small dirty room they found themselves in.

"Where are we?"

Rei sighed. "It's a place I worked at for a short time." She stood on her tiptoes and looked out the peephole. "The cops just ran by...

good. I guess they are paid to ignore this place as well as I thought they would be."

Shinji looked around and then moved towards the inner door. He was pulled back by Rei. "What? Isn't the place you had a friend who could get us out of..." He rattled the handcuffs that bound them together.

"No... it was just a convenient place to hide from the cops. We'll have to go as soon as the cops are out of the area."

"Why?"

"Let's just say that I left this place under bad circumstances and they'd probably do something worse than have us arrested if they found us."

"Rei..." Shinji pulled her into a tight embrace. He cringed when he heard a shout from the other side of the door.

"Hey, Akemi, your daddy warbucks is in room five!"

Shinji looked at the inner door in a different light. "It's a...

a..."

Rei nodded. "It was after the miscarriage... I was really messed up and..."

"I understand. It's okay." Shinji gave her a sweet kiss to put her at ease and then pulled her into a tight embrace.

Rei looked out the peephole again. "We'd better get going again."

When she turned around, she smiled at the sight of Shinji's bulging loincloth. "Well, maybe we can stay here for a bit longer."

The improvised skirt and loincloth dropped to the floor and soon another couple added their voices to the groans and cries of passion in the brothel.

* * *

"Time number three coming up," Asuka muttered absently. She barely paused in playing her solitaire game to make the comment.

Rei just smiled slightly at the viewpoint and took notes. Suddenly she slipped her hand down her body and touched herself. "Hmmmm, that does feel good." She made some more notes.

"Great... Shinji's can't stop watching his perfect world fall apart and Rei's learning the joys of masturbating." She flipped a card down.

"Great, I needed that card!"

"What is masturbating?" Rei asked.

"Ask your mother... I refuse to talk to you about sex anymore. If Shinji will do me, then I'll be glad to tell you all about it, but until then, forget it."

"Okay." Rei turned and went off to find her mother.

After a short while, a shocked voice called out. "What?! Ummm...

oh no. Ask your father... oh... I guess the First Angel was your father... well... err... oh fuck. I need a drink."

* * *

Rei rested on top of Shinji's naked chest, listening to the pleasant beat of his heart. "I love you."

Shinji smiled and ran his hand through her hair. "Yeah... me too.

We'd better..."

Suddenly, the inner door opened and a bag of used condoms was tossed into the room, spilling it contents over Shinji and Rei.

"Ack!" Shinji and Rei jumped to their feet and brushed the condoms off.

"Who are you?" the condom man asked.

"Shit, let's go..." Rei ran for the door, pulling Shinji behind her.

"Hey! It's that Rei slut who ripped us off!" The man pulled out a gun and fired a bullet at their retreating backs.

Shinji ducked at the sound of the gunshot. "Bloody hell!"

Rei was leading the way through the twisted back alleys of Osaka-2.

"This way."

"Err... we forgot our clothes again."

Rei smiled and looked back at her naked lover. "You want to go back for them?"

Shinji shook his head.

Rei giggled and took a moment to put her bra, which had been dangling on the handcuffs, back on. "I think there is someone a few blocks from here who can help us... but..." She paused when she realized what she might have to do to get that help.

"But?"

"He might want me to... you know... to pay him back."

"NO! I don't ever want to see you sell your body for any reason."

Rei heard the love in his voice and nodded. "Okay... thank you, Shinji." They kissed and then Rei looked around for signs of trouble and led him away again. "Come on... there's a girl I know who will help us."

"But not for sex with you, I hope."

"No... but she might be tempted to borrow you." She winked, but quickly laughed when Shinji's face went blank. "Don't worry... I'd never share you. You're all mine." She gave him a deep kiss and they took off running again.

And ran right into another couple. The four of them fell to the ground in a heap of twisted arms and legs.

"Watch where you're going, dummkopf!"

"Asuka?" Shinji looked up from the pair of breasts his face had landed on. "Oh... um..."

Touji looked up from the breasts his face had landed on. "Wow!

Rei, I like the new look!" He was sporting various bruises and cuts from his earlier pummeling by the Mother Fuckers.

Rei blushed and squirmed out from under Touji, hiding her naked lap with her free hand.

Shinji tried to hide his nakedness as he awkwardly got off Asuka, but Asuka still got an eyeful.

"Ouch!" Asuka rubbed her eye where Shinji had poked his semi-erect penis into it. "Watch where you point that thing!"

"Sorry."

"Why are you naked anyway, jerkoff?!" She bashed Shinji on the side of his head. "And handcuffed to Rei!" Another blow. "And getting an erection!"

Shinji recoiled under the last blow. "Stop that!" He turned towards Asuka and glared at her.

Asuka frowned and stared at Shinji's left ear. "What is that?"

Shinji looked confused and absently felt the side of his head.

"Huh?"

Asuka looked closer. "Is that... a condom?"

Rei gasped and looked around to see the used condom that was dangling from Shinji's ear. Since she was handcuffed to his right hand, she hadn't noticed it before. "Shinji... your ear," she hissed.

Shinji went pale as he frantically groped for the condom and threw it off. "Err... um..." He thought furiously. "It's hair gel! Yeah..."

He looked away when he thought he heard a police whistle. "Listen guys, we don't have time to talk. Touji... give me your pants and Asuka give Rei your skirt. Now!"

"What?!" a shocked redhead cried out.

Touji was already out of his pants and handed them to Shinji. "Need the underwear too?"

Asuka looked crossed at Touji. "Pervert." She looked back at Shinji. "Shinji, what the hell is going on?! Your parents came down from Tokyo-3 and asked us to help them find you before the cops did. What did you two do?" She glanced at the discarded condom and shuddered.

Shinji gulped. "Err... um... my parents?"

"Yeah... they showed up right as we were leaving the Eva center!"

"The Eva championships!" Shinji slapped his forehead. Then Rei slapped him too. Shinji winced in pain and recalled that they were handcuffed together. "Damn... I forgot about the cuffs." He looked at Touji. "How'd you do?"

Touji smiled proudly. "We won... barely. But the game system is fried so..."

"That's not important right now, Touji!" She glared at Touji and then back at Shinji. "Tell me what's going on with you two!"

Shinji looked nervously at Rei and handed her the pants to put on since Asuka wasn't making any move to take her clothes off for Rei.

"Sorry, but we really have to get out of here before the cops find us."

"You prick, tell me what's going on!" Asuka insisted more. In this case, that insisting included grabbing his penis and twisting.

"Owwwwwwww!"

Rei slapped Asuka's hand away. "Stop that!" She gently rubbed the sore appendage, which made it grow in size. "Are you okay?"

Shinji nodded. "Let's go." He looked back at Asuka and Touji.

"Um... tell my parents we're okay, but we just can't be separated anymore."

Asuka laughed. "You make it sound like you're eloping, idiot."

Shinji looked at Rei and smiled. "Yeah... something like that."

Rei giggled.

Asuka's jaw dropped.

Shinji took Rei's hand and took off running. He was still naked, but at least Rei had the pants and bra on now.

"Wow... who would have ever guessed Shinji and Rei were fucking each other."

After leaving a bruised and battered Touji behind on the pavement, Asuka ran after the fleeing couple.

"Ouch."

* * *

Shinji and Rei ran cuffed hand in hand around a corner. "Watch out!"

Hikari gaped at the sight of a naked Shinji running towards her.

Damn, he's bigger than Kensuke. She shook her head to clear it, but by that time Shinji was gone. "What the..." She looked around. "Kensuke!"

Kensuke ran back to her from the store he was checking out. "What?"

"Shinji and Rei just ran by here." She pointed in the direction that the two fleeing fugitives had vanished.

"Let's..." Kensuke went silent as Touji and Asuka ran by them in pursuit of Shinji and Rei.

Touji glanced back quickly. "Come on, we've got to catch them!"

"Shit... where are Touji's pants?" Kensuke asked.

"At least he's not naked like Shinji is."

* * *

Shinji could hear the shouts from the gang behind them, but dared not slow down. "Damn, they'll attract the cops."

"I think you being naked is more likely to draw attention. I know I like the sight."

"Rei, can't you be serious?!" Shinji snapped.

"Sorry, but when I'm with you, I just feel so happy."

Shinji smiled. "Me too... any ideas how we can get out of this mess?"

Rei looked around the unfamiliar streets. "No... I don't know this area of Osaka-2 that well."

Shinji ran around another corner and saw a man standing directly in their path. He threw his handcuffed hand up in order to keep from hitting the man, but he didn't quite get their hands high enough in time. The chain of the handcuffs caught the man across his throat, causing all three of them to drop to the ground in a tangled heap.

Rei rubbed her sore butt and apologized. "Sorry about that."

Shinji rubbed his head and looked at the guy they had hit. "Yeah, we're... DAD!"

Gendou rubbed his sore neck and looked up to see Rei and Shinji.

"Shinji! Rei! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Oh fuck... this is all your fault old man!"

"Don't speak to me that way!" Gendou scolded.

"If you hadn't let your cock wander..."

Gendou completed the sentence. "Rei would never have been born..."

Shinji flinched and looked at Rei. "Well... still..."

Rei heard police whistles and looked around. "Shinji, we've got to go!"

Shinji started to stand up. "Yeah..."

"No you don't!" Gendou grabbed the handcuff chain and held on tightly.

"Let go! Or do you want us to go to jail?"

"No... but running away isn't the answer!"

Shinji kneed Gendou in the groin and then managed to pry his father's fingers off the chain. "Come on, Rei."

Gendou gasped for breath and rubbed his various sore spots as he watched his two children run away.

He had just started to rise to go after them when he was run over by the gang as they chased the fleeing Shinji and Rei.

Touji looked around. "Did we hit something?"

Asuka shrugged. "Who cares. Come on, we're going to lose them."

* * *

In the theater, Shinji had suddenly smiled broadly.

Rei looked worried as she examined Shinji's face closely. "Do you think he's okay? That grin is odd."

Asuka laughed. "Oh, I imagine that he's just happy at seeing his father get his family jewels busted."

"Family jewels?" Rei asked, confused.

"Balls." Rei's expression didn't change. "Num-nuts." No reaction.

"His rocks of love." Asuka sighed. "His testicles!"

"Oh." Rei paused and then tilted her head. "Why would his father getting kneed in his testicles make Shinji happy?"

"Let's just say that men are particularly sensitive in that area."

"Yes, I noticed that when I sucked Shinji's penis."

Asuka glared at the blue haired girl. A part of her wanted to pound Rei and part of her wanted to do what Rei had done to Shinji. If I could just get the voyeur clone out of here, I'd do some experimenting myself. A wicked grin crossed her face. "You know, Rei, maybe you should go talk to your mother. I'm sure she's busted a lot of balls in her time and can tell you more about it."

Rei tilted her head slightly. "You want to suck his penis too, don't you?"

Asuka blushed. "Shut up!" All things considered, it was not one of her better comebacks.

* * *

And they're off!

In the lead was a naked Shinji cuffed to a provocatively dressed Rei.

Close behind was a pissed off redhead and a horny teenage boy. Oh wow... Rei's naughty bits are rubbing against my pants. Three guesses which of them thought that.

On their heels, we have the non-couple who had sex the night before. Not that either of them would talk about it. The occasional awkward glances that passed between them as they searched for and then chased Shinji and Rei showed they weren't happy that they ended up together when the search teams were chosen. But their concerns were nothing compared to the animosity between the next pair.

New to the race were the two mothers, who didn't trust each other enough to let the other search by herself. "Shinji, please stop! We can work this all out!" Yui pleaded with her son, but he didn't hear her.

"You little prick, come back with my daughter!" Ritsuko cursed at the boy who was fucking her daughter. Well, not at that moment, but she had a pretty good idea why Shinji was naked and her daughter was wearing a pair of men's pants.

And stumbling up from behind is the bruised and battered father of the two leaders.

The race took them down back alleys, down main thoroughfares, across a wedding banquet table, through the local zoo, through a gay bar, through a crowded bargain sale, and finally through a park. By the time the race reached the park, there were several more people, a bride, a herd of elephants, and a panda in pursuit of Shinji and Rei. The bride was chasing Shinji since he was bigger than the groom was. Several bar patrons had joined for similar reasons. And a number of young bargain shoppers gave up their quest for cheap dresses for a chance at catching Shinji. Well, at least two of the young women were after Rei, but since one of them was bi, it was hard to get an accurate count of who was chasing who for what reason. In fact, several people had joined in the chase out of sheer curiosity.

Shinji and Rei jumped over a necking couple. The pursuers didn't quite clear the couple and several bodies ended up on the ground in a twisted mass of limbs. The elephants decided to jump in the nearby lake to cool off. Several boats floating on the surface capsized, dumping the lovers within into the cold water.

"Hey! That's my ass you're touching!"

"Who's touching my breast?"

"Someone touch me, dammit!"

Rei glanced back at the remaining pursuers, which still included their parents, the gang, and an odd assortment of people she didn't know, one of which had a black and white fur coat on. Kind of hot to be wearing a fur coat. And what's with the sign? She glanced back at Shinji and started to laugh.

"It's not funny!" Shinji insisted.

"I'm sorry Shinji, but you look so cute when you're naked and covered in wedding cake frosting." Rei reached over and ran her hand across his frosting-covered chest. She pulled back her hand and licked the frosting seductively off her fingers. "Yummy."

A mound of frosting rose from Shinji's groin. "Damn... we've got to find someplace to hide from these guys so we can fuck!"

Rei laughed. She gripped Shinji's hand tighter and they redoubled their pace like only a couple of horny teenagers looking for a place to have sex could. Normally fate would provide a way for Shinji and Rei to do just that. But fate was on vacation and poetic justice was on duty.

Unfortunately, poetic justice wasn't a big Shinji and Rei fan.

They emerged into a large clearing and screeched to a halt at the sight that befell them. At first glance, it was just a large barbecue.

At second glance, it was a very large barbecue. At third glance, it was the Annual Southern Japan Police Officer's Barbecue Bash, as evidenced by the large banner over the main stage that proclaimed that in large characters. At fourth glance... well by the time Shinji and Rei had a fourth glance they knew their life as fugitives was over.

Poetic justice is a bitch, isn't she?

On stage, a fat balding man was making a speech. "And our next award goes to Officer Anno for bringing down the evil purple robot that terrorized Osaka-2 last night."

The audience went wild and hooted and hollered. "Bring out the robot killer." "Anno got his robot after all!" "How many bullets did it take to pop that balloon?"

As Officer Anno slunk up to the stage to accept his Golden Plunger for his heroic deed, the aforementioned mob chasing Rei and Shinji burst into the clearing that was full of police officers. Although off duty, the police officers were immediately suspicious of the naked boy covered in frosting and handcuffed to a girl wearing just a bra and pants. The police in southern Japan were known for being fast to pick up on clues like these.

The fat man on stage spoke into the microphone. "Excuse me... but the nude, co-ed, S and M cake toss isn't until the end of the barbecue."

They are also known for having extremely kinky barbecues.

Just as Rei and Shinji had a ray of hope that they'd somehow get away from the mass of police officers, Officer Anno's eyes went wide.

"Shit! Those are the two kids who escaped from my car last night!"

Needless to say, Shinji and Rei did not get to compete in the nude, co-ed, S and M cake toss. Although somehow Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, and Hikari managed to get into the contest. Touji and Hikari took first place, while Asuka refused to run and caused her and Kensuke to come in last. Go figure.

* * *

Shinji awoke the next morning and stretched. "Ouch," he cried out when he banged his arms on the cell bars. He rubbed his arms as he rose from the thin mattress and looked around the bare cell he had spent the night in. Guess I should have known it couldn't last. Fuck, I hope Rei's alright. He sighed and suddenly had the urge to pee. He looked out into the hallway to see if there was anyone watching then glanced back at the toilet in the cell and grimaced. He slowly walked to the bowl undoing his prison pants. He sat down and let out a long 'ahhhhhhhhhh'.

"Shinji?"

Shinji started at hearing his name and looked around. "Huh?"

"Shinji, is that you?"

"Rei?"

"Yeah... I'm in the next cell."

Shinji jumped to his feet, pulled his pants back up, and rushed to the wall leading to the cell her voice had come from. In his haste, he didn't shake and a wet spot spread across his pants. "Rei, are you alright?"

"Yeah... they just moved me in here after some problems with my roommate. I'd recognize your ahhhh anywhere."

Shinji smiled. "What happened with your former roommate?"

"She was a girl I used to know. She still blames me for stealing Hasamoto from her."

"Did you tell her she could have him back?"

Rei chuckled. "Yeah, but she wouldn't believe my story and sort of got violent."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... she looks worse than me."

"Sorry about all this. I should never have run from that cop."

"No... I enjoyed it. Well, at least the sex part."

Shinji blushed. "Yeah... however long we're in here, I'll find you when I get out."

"Thank you." Rei's hand appeared around the outside of the bars searching for something to hold.

Shinji saw the hand and reached out and grabbed it. "I love you, Rei." He squeezed her hand to reassure her. At that moment, it was all he could do.

It was enough. In her cell, Rei smiled as she felt his hand grasp hers. "I love you too, Shinji." She pulled the ice pack off her eye to reveal the black eye she had gotten during the fight. "Forever."

* * *

"Love sucks!" Shinji screamed as he came out of his trance.

"Why, Shinji?" Misato asked.

"Why?!" Shinji pointed at the viewpoint. "Look what it leads to.

They're both in jail!"

"But they look happy."

"They're in JAIL!"

"But they're together."

"Not for long!"

Misato put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Sometimes those few stolen moments together are better than spending every waking moment with the one you love."

"That's bullshit. Love sucks! It just leads to pain and more pain."

Misato pulled Shinji into a hug. "Maybe, but it also leads to happy times. You just have to open your heart to the offered love."

Shinji blinked loudly. "Are you telling me to return Rei's love?"

Misato scowled and pushed Shinji away from her. "No! If you touch my pure and innocent daughter, I'll make eternity a living hell for you!"

Shinji glanced at the viewpoint. "Don't bother... I'm doing a pretty good job of making a mess out of it without your help."

-E- -V- -A

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: love n. 1 deep affection or fondness 2 sexual passion 3 sexual relations 4 beloved one; sweetheart 5 Tennis. No score; zero v. (loved, loving) 6 feel love or a deep fondness for 7 delight in; admire; greatly cherish 8 FOR LOVE for pleasure, not profit 9 IN LOVE enamored (of) 10 MAKE LOVE have sexual intercourse

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition:

love n. 1 I have no idea what love is 2 wow... um... well... I guess what Rei did to me felt good 3 yowsa... um... well maybe after a few dates 4 I don't think I ever really had a chance to have one 5 Tennis.

Don't know how to play it v. (loved, loving) 6 I like Rei, but I don't know if I can return her love... and what about Asuka? 7 I delight in all three of the women I share this theater with... Admire? Yeah, except when Misato is drunk or Asuka pulls my penis. Cherish? Well if we were the last people on Earth then maybe... oh we are. Okay, I guess I can cherish them too. 8 FOR LOVE for pain, not pleasure 9 IN LOVE could I be in love with Rei... or maybe Asuka? 10 MAKE LOVE No, I won't fuck you, Asuka!

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

love n. 1 Shinji has no idea what love is 2 that Asuka and Kaji sure had some hot passion together 3 yeah, I'd do it with Shinji, but Kaji would be better 4 I've had a lot... I was very popular back in Germany 5 Tennis. Anything that involves busting balls, I'm good at v. (loved, loving) 6 Yeah, what about me? 7 Gee, I'm so glad it took the end of the world for you to finally cherish me. Be still my heart. 8 FOR LOVE well, that other Rei was sure doing it for cash 9 IN LOVE what a joke. Rei thinks she loves that little boy 10 MAKE LOVE when do I get to have sex?

It's not fair. Come on, Shinji, I'm bored. Do me!

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother: love n. 1 love is confusing, don't mistake feelings of loneliness or friendship for love 2 don't even think about doing anything with Shinji 3 I mean it 4 kissing is okay, but no tongues (P.S. Asuka was a slut in Germany) 5 Tennis. Make sure to wear bloomers so the guys can't see your panties when you hit the ball or you'll have to hit their balls when they swarm all over you after the game v. (loved, loving) 6 don't you feel him either or go deep on him again 7 you can admire him from across the theater 8 FOR LOVE don't you dare take money from him for anything 9 IN LOVE even if you are in love with Shinji, don't have sex with him 10 MAKE LOVE for the last time, Rei, do not fuck Shinji! I forbid it!

* * *

"Hey, Shinji, do you want to fuck me?"

Shinji's jaw dropped to the theater floor. "Rei... um..."

"My mom has told me all about it and I think it could be fun."

Shinji squirmed. "Well, I'm sure she said you shouldn't rush into it."

"Yeah, she clearly told me not to have sex. But for some reason that makes me want to do it even more."

Shinji sighed. "Rei... why? Why do you think you love me?"

"I just do. I don't feel complete without you. I feel so warm inside when we're close. I feel I can relate to you. I empathize with you. I don't know how to say it another way, so I'm saying that I love you."

Shinji dropped to the ground and started to shake. "He... he said the same thing."

"He?"

"Kaworu."

"Kaworu said he loved you? But he's a boy." Rei inquired innocently.

"Was a boy. Until I killed him." Shinji looked down at his hands and imagined they were covered in blood. Of course, considering the nature of the theater there suddenly was blood on them.

Rei gasped. "Shinji. Let it go. If you don't the pain will eat you alive."

"Why? Your second self killed herself for me. Kaworu wanted me to kill him so that I could live. My mother..." Shinji rubbed his hands together and the blood slowly faded from them. "Everyone who loves me...

dies."

"I'm sure people who hate you die too."

"Gee, thanks."

Rei sunk slowly to Shinji's side. "You know, Shinji, I only have some of my second self's memories and I don't know what happened at the end of her life, but I don't think she felt the same way as I do now."

Shinji looked up at Rei, confused. "Huh?"

"I am the sum of my experiences. My first self saw the child of Mr.

Ikari and wanted to play with him."

"You met me when we were kids?"

Rei shook her head. "No, we didn't meet then. I saw you on the security cameras when you visited the test center. At the time, I was almost always in the tank and the cameras were the only view I had of the outside world."

"That's awful."

"It was... all I knew at the time. My second self felt the need to join with you..."

"You mean have sex?"

"No... it was more of a bonding of souls, than love or sex. My third self combines those and adds my observations of my fourth self."

"Fourth?"

"The Rei you created." She gestured at the viewpoint.

Shinji considered this for a few moments. "So, that's why you think you love me... because that Rei loves that Shinji. Rei... that's not you and that's not me."

"Aren't they?"

"No!"

"Why not? That Shinji is a part of you. That Rei is a part of you.

So, somewhere inside you there must be a part of you that loves me."

Shinji frowned as he considered this. "Rei... even if that's true.

I just don't know if I want to return your love. It'll just lead to pain and heartbreak like it has for them."

"I promise I won't become a prostitute, if that'll help."

Shinji had no idea if she was being serious or making joke, but a smile appeared on his face. "It's not like there are a lot of customers around."

"Just you." She paused briefly. "And Asuka and Misato, but I don't believe they are lesbians."

"No... probably not." Shinji sighed and idly traced random patterns on the floor with his finger. "What is love?" he whispered to himself.

Rei leaned in. "Did you say something?"

Shinji looked up at Rei and sighed. "Rei, don't get the wrong idea about this."

"What?"

"This." Shinji leaned over and gave Rei a short and tender kiss.

Shinji watched her face as he pulled away and could see the happiness spread across her face. It was a smile unlike any of the others he had seen on her. It was a smile that made him warm inside. Why... why does seeing her so happy make me feel better? Is this love? He touched her face, marveling at the touch of her skin. "I don't know if there is such a thing as love anymore, but I'm willing to take the chance that that other Shinji took."

"Thank you, Shinji." Rei leaned in and kissed Shinji.

I just hope it ends up better, Shinji thought before getting lost in the sensation of the kiss.

A choice is made.


	17. Jail Sucks!

Garden of Eva 1:7 - Jail Sucks!

* * *

Shinji bent over to pick up the bar of soap he had just dropped. He realized his mistake the moment he felt something pressed against his backside. "Arghhhhh!" He shot across the shower room in a split second.

"Awwww, the new kid doesn't want to play." The boy who had pressed his... knotty pine against Shinji's buttocks swaggered over. Two other guys followed him while stroking their... little twigs. "Now then... we can do this the easy way or the hard way." A leer appeared on his face.

"Personally, I prefer it the hard way." He stroked his tree to help drive home his point. "Grab him!"

The other two boys raced over and grabbed Shinji before he could get out of the way. They held his arms tightly and pulled him forward.

The first boy walked over, his tree rising to the occasion. "Now then, where were we?" He made a spinning motion with his finger.

The two boys holding Shinji turned him around, easily overpowering Shinji's attempts to escape.

"No!" Shinji screamed.

* * *

"No!" Shinji screamed as he came out of his trance.

As the viewpoint froze, Asuka complained. "Come on... I want to see you get it up the ass!" She started to laugh.

Three voices belonging to Shinji, Misato, and Rei called out in unison. "Shut up, Asuka!"

Shinji dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged. Rei plopped down next to him and wrapped her arms around him to comfort him. Misato frowned. "Hey! You're too close to Shinji, Rei!"

"Awww, Mom!" Rei pouted and reluctantly slipped away from Shinji.

"Shinji, it'll be okay."

Shinji sighed. "Everyone keeps saying that, but it just gets worse and worse for Shinji"

"Well, that's what he deserves after toying with Asuka's heart like that."

"Shut up, Asuka!" three voices scolded again.

* * *

"That's enough of that, Worm. Get your cock away from the new kid's ass, you asshole."

Shinji let out a sigh of relief as the boys released him. He looked around to see a huge, bald guy standing in the doorway to the showers.

'Worm' smiled awkwardly at the newcomer. "Sorry, Oushi, I was just kidding around."

Oushi cracked his knuckles. "Sure you were. I could care less if you and your pals want to stick it to yourselves, but don't force yourself on the newbies."

"Right.. sorry..." Worm scurried out of the showers with the other two boys close behind.

Oushi threw Shinji a towel. "You okay, kid?"

Shinji grinned awkwardly. "Yeah... I guess. Thanks."

"No problem. Those guys should know better than to mess with my property."

Shinji gulped. "Property?"

Oushi leered at Shinji. "Yeah... all the new boys are mine to fuck." He pulled his pants down.

"Ack!" Shinji backpedaled across the room.

Oushi let out a loud laugh. "Rei was right, you are a little naive."

"You know Rei?"

"Yeah... I was this close-" Oushi held his fingers close together.

"-to being the lucky one to pop her cherry. Too bad that Hasamoto guy got her attention or maybe I'd have won her heart like you apparently have."

Shinji warily made his way to the exit, trying not to picture Rei 'with' the huge guy in his mind. The shudder that ran though his body showed that he wasn't successful. "Yeah..."

Oushi finished undressing. "Don't worry kid, I'm just taking a shower. When Rei found out you were being transferred up here to Tokyo-3, she got a note to me and asked me to look out for you."

Shinji blushed. "Err... thanks."

Oushi looked Shinji over like a side of beef. "Hung like that, you'd be eaten alive-or at least sucked to death-in here."

Shinji covered his groin. "Err... thanks, I think."

"Well, from what I can see, you'll make Rei really happy." He winked. "But don't bend over in the showers."

"Yeah... I already found that one out the hard way."

"Worm was pretty hard, wasn't he?"

Shinji blushed. "That's not what I meant!"

* * *

Asuka scratched her chin as she looked at the viewpoint and then at Shinji, who was still in his trance. "Hmmmmm... Hey, Rei, can you make Shinji hard for me?"

Rei looked confused. "Huh?"

"Well, I'm not going to touch it like that." She pointed at Shinji's penis. "Come on. Make it hard."

Rei cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Like you did before. Suck his penis or stroke it... whatever. Just make it hard."

"I'll be glad to, but why?"

Asuka sighed. "I just want to check something."

"Well, if you feel that you are not capable of making it hard, very well, I'll do it."

Asuka's face fell. "No... I... Um..." After regaining some composure, she spat, "Just do it!"

Rei shrugged and went to work. After she made Shinji's tree mighty, Asuka pushed her aside.

"Hmmmm..." Asuka pulled a tape measure out of nowhere and extended it. She held the end to the base of Shinji's penis and then extended the tape some more. "Ha! I knew it!"

"Asuka, what are you doing?"

Asuka smiled awkwardly and looked up from Shinji's groin to his face. "Um... just a little research." She glanced at his groin. "And I do mean little."

"I can't believe you'd do that to me! What kind of sicko are you?!"

Shinji slapped her hands away from his mighty oak.

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Rei's the one who got you hard, I was just measuring it."

Shinji looked at Rei. "You were a part of this?"

Rei nodded sadly. "Yes, but I didn't know why she wanted you hard."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Rei, the next time Asuka asks you to do something don't do it unless you ask your mom or me if it's right.

Okay?"

"Alright. The next time she asks me to suck your penis, I'll ask you first."

The corner of Shinji's mouth twitched. "You can safely assume that if Asuka asks you to do that to me again, that you shouldn't." He turned and scowled at Asuka. "Now what were you doing?!"

Asuka smirked. "Well, I was just confirming a little theory of mine."

Shinji looked confused. "Huh?"

"You made THAT-" Asuka pointed at the viewpoint which was frozen of a picture of Shinji walking out of the showers with his mighty oak dangling between his legs. "-Shinji bigger than you really are. He's at least an extra two inches longer."

Shinji blushed and awkwardly looked at Rei, who was suddenly looking between his groin and the viewpoint. "Um... no... I..." He covered himself. "He's not!"

Asuka laughed. "Give it up, Shinji! You had the chance to make yourself bigger when you made your 'perfect world' and you took it. THAT Shinji is easily two inches longer when erect that you are."

"Actually, it's only one point six inches longer," Rei casually commented.

Shinji and Asuka looked at the blue-haired girl for several moments before Asuka spoke. "You knew?"

"Sure. I was taking detailed notes after all." Rei pulled out her notebook and flipped to a page titled 'Relative sizes of the penises'.

On it were very detailed drawings of the penises of both Shinjis with calculated measurements. "As you can see, it's also thicker in his perfect world."

Shinji sighed. "Can't you girls just play a card game or something instead of playing with my penis?!"

"No," both girls answered in unison.

* * *

"What's wrong, Asuka?" Hikari asked from across the table Asuka looked up from the noodles she had been prodding with her chopsticks. "How can you ask that after what Shinji did to me?!"

"I think you're more angry that he didn't do to you what apparently he's been doing to Rei." Touji started to laugh.

Asuka stopped his laughter with a bowl of ramen strategically placed on his head.

Hikari glared at her boyfriend and then looked back at Asuka. "We don't know that they've been-" She unconsciously glanced at Kensuke.

"-having sex. And their parents aren't exactly telling us a lot. It could all have a perfectly simple explanation." Hikari's words didn't even have enough conviction behind them to fool herself, let alone Asuka.

"They were running away from the police, handcuffed and naked! Add the condom on Shinji's ear and the fact they both reeked of... well, they smelled like they just had sex."

Touji chuckled. "How would you know?"

Hikari added another bowl of ramen to Touji's head. "Asuka, why don't you go visit Shinji and ask him? It's been a week since he was transferred up to the Tokyo-3 juvie hall."

"No! Why should I?"

"Because you like him. Don't you?"

Asuka looked awkwardly at her hands. "Yeah..."

"Well, then go talk to him and find out what happened. I'll go with you if you want." Hikari looked at Kensuke and Touji. "We all will."

Asuka sighed. "No, I'd better do this alone."

* * *

Asuka wrung her hands as she waited in the little visiting booth.

Stay calm, Asuka. Getting angry isn't going to help anything. Plus, the cops are heavily armed here. So, just stay calm. The door on the other side of the glass partition opened and Shinji walked in. He smiled awkwardly at Asuka. "Hi, Asuka."

Asuka sprung to her feet suddenly and pounded on the glass. "You archkriecher! How dare you lead me on! I'll kill you!"

Even though he knew she couldn't get through the glass, Shinji instinctively backed up from the angry redhead. "I'm sorry, Asuka. I never meant to hurt you."

Asuka stopped banging on the glass, but still looked ready to kill Shinji. "Why did you lead me on when you were already fucking Rei?!"

"Well, Rei had some bad things happen to her as she was growing up.

At first she didn't want anyone to know we were dating and then... well, we had a falling out... of sorts... and that's when you and I... you know."

Asuka's eye twitched. The twitch spread down her arm and stopped when she pounded the glass again. "You dumpfbacke! So the little slut wouldn't give you any, so you came running to me."

"No, she would give me it, but we always got interrupted."

"So you've never had sex with her?"

"Err... two times so far... err three actually."

"So... are you going to marry her when you're older?"

Shinji sighed and shook his head. "No, I can't."

"Then are you going to marry me?"

"No. I'm sorry, but I just don't love you. After we both get out of jail, I'll do whatever I can do to stay with Rei. Even if it means living on the streets."

Asuka scowled. "Why don't you just marry her?"

Shinji looked at the floor. "I... can't. It's a long story. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong idea about our relationship. Things were just so chaotic that I didn't know how to tell you and a part of me was looking to replace the love I feel for Rei that I didn't think I could ever..."

Asuka giggled. "When did you get so deep and serious?"

"Love does that to you."

Asuka frowned again. "Bastard."

"I'm sorry."

"So why the hell can't you marry her?! If you're ditching me for her, at least you'd better not be stringing her along too."

"I want to marry her and I will find a way to spend my life with her, but I can't marry her because she's..." Shinji took a deep breath, uncertain how Asuka would take this news. "She's my half-sister."

Asuka's jaw dropped to the floor.

Since Asuka seemed unable to speak, Shinji decided to spill the whole story. "My idiot father had a little fling with Rei's real mother, who up until recently Rei thought was her sister. Adoptive sister actually, because Rei's real grandmother adopted Rei as her daughter to avoid her daughter being seen as a slut, which the old witch is."

Asuka finally found her voice. "Yeah... you told me some of Rei's problems with her parents. So you're fucking your own sister? You sicko!"

"I... I didn't know she was my sister at first."

"But you do now? And you still are going to fuck her? You're one sick puppy, Shinji!"

"I know it's wrong... but I don't care anymore. I love her. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Don't be! I'm better off without a sicko like you as a boyfriend!"

Asuka suddenly spun around and stormed out the visitor door.

"I'm sorry, Asuka." Shinji sadly made his way back to his cell.

Asuka leaned against the other side of the visitor door and tried to contain her tears. "You jerk." She lost her battle with her tears by the time she left the jailhouse. Shinji you jerk... I give you my love and you do this to me?

She spent most of the evening walking in a park, thinking about what to do. Do I forget about him, try to get him back, or make him a eunuch for doing this to me? She frowned and looked up at the stars for inspiration.

And got an eyeful of bird do-do.

"Fuck!"

A voice called out of the darkness. "Fucking is over in the woods tonight, this area is only for necking and breast fondling."

Asuka clenched her teeth and wiped the shit out of her eye. "Shut up!" Her shout and evil glare sent a number of couples running in terror from her. She clenched her fist and looked at the night sky.

"Just you wait, Shinji! I'll teach you to toy with my heart!"

* * *

"Next!" Rei called out as a naked girl got off her bed. Rei rubbed her sore hands, but figured she was good for a few more.

"You'd better be as good as they say," another naked girl said as she handed Rei a package and then lay down on the bed.

Rei casually checked the contents of the package. "I am." She ran her hands across the girl's skin, working her way slowly down the teenager's soft skin.

"Ahhhhh..." the girl gasped.

"You like that?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh..."

"Ahhhhh..."

After a half-hour of this, the girl gave one last sigh of contentment and then rose from the bed. "You give the greatest massages, Rei."

Rei smiled and wiped the oil off her hands. "Thanks."

"You know, if you ever need some company at night I can arrange to switch cells." The girl winked.

Rei shook her head. "Sorry. I've got a guy and I promised him I'd never do it with anyone else but him. Ever."

The girl sighed. "Lucky guy."

"No... I'm lucky to have met him."

"Well, you're in here till your eighteenth birthday, so if you change your mind..."

Rei gasped. "How did you know that?"

"All the lesbians are talking about you."

Rei rolled her eyes. "Can you spread the word that: A, I'm not a lesbian, B, I've got the greatest guy in the world waiting for me when I get out, and C, I'm not interested even if A and B weren't true."

"As long as you keep giving backrubs like that, I will."

"Deal." Rei smiled. Well, at least giving them massages keeps them from getting too horny around me. It's going to be a rough three years without Shinji, but I'll make it. She looked at all the women with towels wrapped around their bodies lined up outside her cell. Somehow. -E- -V- -A-

"Three years!" Shinji shouted.

"Calm down, Shinji," Yui said from the other side of the visitor's booth. She placed a hand on the glass, trying to get as close to her son as possible. "You'll be out in six months."

"Who cares! She doesn't deserve to spend that much time in there!

I'm the one who ran from the cop!"

"I know, dear, but she was convicted of prostitution. There was no way for her to get out of that."

Shinji ground his teeth. "Don't remind me."

"You're lucky we got them to drop the charges about your being her pimp when we explained that you were her half-brother."

"Who cares... without her, I might as well stay in here until she gets out."

Yui looked at her son appraisingly. "You really love her that much, don't you?"

"Yes," Shinji answered without reservation.

"You know that it's not right."

"I don't care. After we're both get out of jail, we'll live together. With or without your permission."

Yui nodded. "Shinji..."

Just then a buzzer rang and a guard called out. "Time's up!"

Yui sighed. "Shinji, I love you. I'll see you next week. Are you sure you don't want to see your father?"

Shinji scowled. "No! He'll be lucky if I even speak to him after I get out of here."

Yui nodded and stood up. "Goodbye, my son."

Shinji smiled. "Bye, Mom, I love you."

Yui turned around and left the visitor's booth, tears flowing down her cheeks.

* * *

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: jail n. 1 place for detention of prisoners 2 confinement in jail v. 3 put in jail

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition:

jail n. 1 detention sucks 2 confinement sucks v. 3 put in a theater...

we're all in a jail of sorts, aren't we?

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

jail n. 1 place for Shinji to get a dick up his ass 2 confinement in a little cell where Shinji can't run from the rape gangs v. 3 put in Shinji's backdoor

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother: jail n. 1 if you ever find yourself in jail, don't bend over in the showers 2 trust me, it's bad for boys AND girls to bend over in jail showers 3 why? 4 well, when I was younger I got into some trouble...

err... just don't do it, okay?

* * *

"Man, six months in the slammer. That has to be rough," Touji commented as he sat on a park bench with Hikari and watched sun set in the distance.

Hikari nodded, but didn't look away from the night sky she was looking at. "Yeah, but Rei's got three years ahead of her."

"That sucks too. But it sucks more that Shinji lost his virginity before me."

Hikari tensed.

Touji smirked and looked at Hikari. "But it would have been worse if Kensuke beat me too."

Hikari tensed more.

Touji frowned after finally noticing that Hikari had ripped two chunks out of the wood bench with her clenched fists. "Are you okay?"

Hikari laughed and looked at Touji. "Yeah... just a little cold."

Knowing an invitation when he heard one, Touji slipped his arm around Hikari and held her tightly. He bent down and gave her a long hot kiss.

Hikari's heart wasn't in the kiss, but returned it anyway.

* * *

After a long make out session, Touji walked Hikari home and gave her one last kiss.

After their lips parted, Hikari couldn't stand the fire inside her any longer. "Touji?"

"Yeah?"

Hikari looked down at the ground to hide the blush she knew must be evident on her face. "Can... you get a room for tomorrow night?"

"Huh... why?"

Hikari's eye twitched. "Because I'd rather not have to do it in the park, you moron!"

"Huh? Everyone makes out in the park."

Hikari sighed. "I'm not talking about making out..."

"Then wha... Oh!" Touji smiled broadly as he finally realized what this meant. Yes, I'm finally going to get me some! He jumped around for a few seconds before catching Hikari glaring at him. "Um... of course, I'll make it a night you'll never forget."

Hikari smiled on the outside while she was frowning on the inside.

I only hope it makes me forget about sleeping with Kensuke. -E- -V- -A-

The next night, Hikari lay by Touji's side and watched his chest rise and fall. It was great... but something was missing. Well, It's his first time, I'm sure he can get as good as Kensuke with a little practice.

She sighed and rolled over and cuddled with the sleeping Touji.

* * *

A small mob of reporters surrounded the front porch of Kaji's house. They knew the smell of blood when they wrote it.

"Mr. Kaji, what is your response to the picture that was taken down in Osaka-2?"

"Mr. Kaji, the rumor is that you'll be dropping out of the mayoral race, is this true?"

"Mr. Kaji, is your fiancee going to leave you?"

"Hey, dirtbag, how are you going to get out of this one?"

Kaji peered into the mass of reporters trying to locate the source of that last question. That sounded like Maya's friend Ritsuko, but it couldn't be... He put on a dashing smile and waved everyone into silence. "Please... please... I assure you that the woman in those pictures is just a good friend who was injured. I was comforting her after she was burned, that's all. I am not dropping out of the race and my fiancee is still very much the love of my life. She wouldn't think of leaving me over these silly rumors you reporters persist in spreading."

"Out of my way, Kaji!" Maya snapped. She pushed Kaji aside and walked down the steps carrying two large suitcases in her hands.

"Maya? What's this all about?"

Maya smirked. "I think you know." She turned towards the reporters.

"Get out of my way, you vultures." She pushed past the reporters and was greeted by Ritsuko, who took one of the bags and helped Maya into a waiting taxi.

On his porch, Kaji tried to remain calm. "Well, my fiancee is just visiting her mother for a bit."

A shout contradicted him from the taxi. "Yeah right! We're through, you asshole! And you can kiss my father's support goodbye."

Kaji's eye twitched repeatedly and only his years of political experience allowed him to keep the twitch from spreading to his whole body.

The taxi sped off, leaving Kaji behind to face the reporters.

Inside Kaji was frantically trying to think of a way to save his campaign. Well, at least I still have my house. "Mr. Ryouji, I'm here to repossess your house."

Kaji's face fell. "Huh?"

The geeky repo man looked at his paperwork. "Apparently the collateral for the loan was withdrawn. Step aside, please."

Kaji's eye twitched uncontrollably. Damn, Maya's father originally put down the collateral for the house.

Since Kaji didn't move, the repo man pushed him aside and started checking out the house. "You've got an hour to get your crap out of here."

Kaji's chin fell to his chest and he slunk inside his house. Make that his former house.

* * *

Misato opened the door and shivered from the cold wind that assailed her. She peered into the pouring rain outside and gasped when she saw who was there. "Kaji?"

"Can I stay here for awhile?" Kaji said, hefting two large suitcases in his hands.

Misato frowned. "What about your 'image'?"

"The harm is done already. The reporters pretty much know we're lovers, Maya left me, they repossessed my house, and I don't know what might happen to my campaign."

Misato seemed to appraise the soaking wet man in front of her for a few seconds. "Come in, but don't get anything wet.

Kaji looked down at his soaked clothes and shrugged. "I'm not sure that's possible."

"Then take off your clothes before you come in," Misato said straight-faced. She spun around and went back inside, leaving the door open. He deserves a little humiliation.

Kaji looked around. "This is because I could never commit to you fully, right?"

Misato's voice replied from inside. "Pretty much."

Kaji sighed and started undressing. He placed his wet clothes by the door and then grabbed his suitcases. Just as he was about to walk inside, a bright flash blinded him.

"What a scoop!" a photographer yelled as he ran away.

Kaji watched the blurry image run away. "What else can happen tonight?"

"Archkriecher!"

Kaji looked over and saw Asuka staring at him. She couldn't seem to decide where to look and her eyes ended up fluctuating between his face and his groin.

"You pervert!" Asuka screamed after it twitched and bashed Kaji across his face with her purse.

Kaji crashed to the ground and grunted. "I shouldn't have asked."

* * *

Later, Asuka sat in Misato's living room. Misato and Kaji, who was dressed in a robe, sat across from her.

"Why are you here, Asuka?" Misato asked, not exactly pleased to have her there.

Asuka looked at her hands, afraid to look them in their eyes. "I need Kaji's help."

Misato growled, literally. "You can't sleep with him again!"

Asuka gasped. "What?! Why the hell would I want to sleep with Mr.

Two Inches here again?"

Kaji flinched as a part of his ego was ripped away. "It's not the size that matters!"

Misato's eye twitched. "He may not be huge, but he knows how to use it. Well, except when he tries to pretend it's a train and I'm a tunnel... that is so lame."

Kaji's ego took another blow.

"Whatever... I initially thought it was so bad because it was Shinji's first time, but if you like it, fine. I'm here because I need your help to get Shinji out of jail."

"What? You want to get Shinji out of jail just because he's so much bigger?" Misato asked.

Asuka's eyes narrowed. "How would you know?"

Misato suddenly found an interesting spot to look at on the floor.

"Um... err..."

Kaji spilled the beans. "Misato ended up fucking Shinji the night you and I did it."

Misato glared at Kaji. "That is not for public consumption, idiot!"

Asuka's jaw dropped. "No wonder he's so confused. Who wouldn't be after fucking an old woman!"

"That's no way to talk to your teacher!"

"I could call the principal and tell him that you make a habit of sleeping with your male students..."

Misato growled. "You little bitch... I was drunk when I had sex with them, so it doesn't count!"

Asuka laughed. "That'd hardly hold up in court!" Suddenly, she frowned. "Them?"

"Kensuke and Shi... oops." Misato put her hand over her mouth.

Asuka's jaw dropped. "You fucked Kensuke and he lived through it?!"

She never would have guessed that Kensuke had enough blood to survive having sex. Ah! That's why he's been acting so weird lately. "Damn, you're sicker than I thought. Now are you going to help me get Shinji out or do I talk to the principal and the media?"

"Bitch."

"Takes one to know one."

Misato sighed in resignation. "Fine, we'll see if we can get Rei and Shinji out of jail."

"Not Rei, just Shinji. I need to get him to forget about Rei, and for that I need some time alone with him."

Misato glared at Asuka, but knew her hands were tied. Well, not literally since Maya had taken all the equipment when she left Kaji.

"Very well, Asuka, we'll see what we can do."

Asuka grinned in triumph. Perfect... now Shinji will get his just deserts. Let's see how he likes having his emotions played with. Misato and Kaji were very shocked when Asuka started to cackle maniacally.

* * *

The wax dripped down onto Ritsuko's breast. She squirmed, but was held tightly by the ropes that bound her. Except for the blindfold and ropes, Ritsuko was naked. "Ahhhhhh!"

"You've been a bad girl," Maya said, shaking the candle she held to release another drop onto her lover's breasts. Maya was dressed in a tight leather teddie and thong with an open crotch.

"Oh, Mistress... please stop."

"No!"

Ritsuko's mother poked her head into the room, which was currently more of a dungeon than a room. "Ritsuko dear, when you and your friend are done playing, we have to get to our appointment."

"Okay... okay... I'll be finished soon."

"NOW!"

"Ahhh gee, Mom!"

* * *

Asuka glared at Shinji as he came out of his trance. "You made Kaji smaller too, didn't you!"

Shinji ducked the fist thrown at him. "No!"

Asuka swung again. "Yeah, right!"

"Asuka!" Misato shouted. "Stop that. Kaji's... size is correct in the world Shinji created."

Asuka's jaw dropped. "No way! My Kaji could never be that small!"

Misato sighed. "Your Kaji only exists in your mind. The real Kaji is smaller than Shinji... both of them."

Asuka huffed and crossed her arms over her naked bosom. She glanced down at Shinji's groin and smirked. Who'd have thought Shinji was bigger than Kaji?

* * *

"Ikari!"

As he sat on his toilet, Shinji looked up at the bars to his cell.

"Hey! I'm on the toilet here!"

"Fine... fine... I'll just give this pardon to someone else."

"What?!" Shinji jumped up and ran to the bars of his cell, leaving a trail of wet spots on the floor. "What do you mean?" he asked the guard as he gripped the bars.

"We just got an order for your release. You're free." He opened the door.

It took Shinji a few seconds to digest the news. "Alright!" He ran out of the cell and down towards the exit. His run was greeted by shouting and cat calls.

"Damn, that's a long sucker..."

"Let me give it a goodbye suck, Shinji!"

"Damn, I could have had a eight-incher!"

"Here, have mine."

"No thanks, I don't like the look of that rash."

"Bye, honey."

Shinji finally realized he left his pants behind on the cell floor when an arm reached out from one of the cells and grabbed his penis.

"Damn, that's a handful!"

* * *

Shinji was blushing when he walked out of the jail and hugged his mother. He shot an evil look at his father and then was tackled by a redhead.

Asuka gave him a long kiss. "How does freedom feel?" She pressed her body closely against his to punctuate her question. Resist this, if you can.

Shinji blushed and squirmed out from under Asuka. "Um... it feels fine. Thanks for coming everyone." He looked around. "The gang isn't here?"

Asuka shook her head. "We're taking you out for a party tonight, so you'll see them soon."

Yui ran her hand through her son's hair. "You look okay, Shinji.

You didn't get raped or molested in there, did you?"

Shinji gulped and looked away awkwardly. "No! Rei got a friend to look after me." Shinji frowned. "I have to go visit her now that I'm out."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Shinji," Yui said, patting Shinji's hand.

"I don't care. I'll see her if I want to."

"Well, don't expect us to pay for you to get to Osaka-2."

"I'll find a way," Shinji said determinedly.

Asuka's eye twitched. "There's time to worry about that later...

let's go party!" She smiled and dragged Shinji off.

A bewildered Shinji looked at the smiling redhead. Why is she so happy? I figured after our last talk that she'd want to cause me great bodily harm or at least never want to see me again. Yui and Gendou watched Asuka pull Shinji away. Yui cocked her head to one side. "I think he'll be okay."

Gendou nodded. "Yes, he seems to be adjusting. I'm sure he'll give up his silly notion of living with his sister."

Yui's eye twitched. "Don't think I've forgiven you for that."

Gendou gulped. "Yes, Dear."

* * *

"Fucking your own sister! What a stud you are!" Touji laughed.

Shinji looked around awkwardly at the other customers at the restaurant the gang had dragged him to. "Shhhhhh..."

Obviously, Asuka had told the gang about Shinji and Rei, but she had decided not to mention the tidbit about Misato sleeping with Kensuke and Shinji. That wasn't part of her plan, but making Shinji see how people would react to the idea that he was having sex with his half-sister was. She grinned as she saw how embarrassed Shinji was about the situation. So far, so good.

Hikari was not happy. "So... you toyed with my best friend's emotions just because you were having problems with Rei, huh? You're a lowlife, Shinji."

Shinji flinched. Some party this is.

Asuka smiled. "Hikari, please. Shinji has already apologized to me and I've forgiven him. It's just one of those things that happens."

Shinji was very surprised at how Asuka had been acting since he got out of jail. Well, she seems alright with it, but I didn't expect her to be the voice of reason in this bunch. I expected Touji to think it was cool or something. Hikari's reaction is about what I expected. And Kensuke... Shinji looked at Kensuke, who was staring at a very well-endowed woman in the next booth. Well, I'll have to talk to him about Misato... who would have thought that he would have gotten to sleep with her. Well, I guess the same goes for me. Hikari looked at her best friend in astonishment. "If you say so, Asuka, but I'm surprised at how calmly you're taking this."

Asuka shrugged. "What can I do? Shinji's the sick one here, so why should I make a big deal about it?"

"I'm not sick!"

"Okay, Shinji. Whatever you say."

Shinji dropped his head slightly. Some party. -E- -V- -A-

"Good morning, Shinji!" Asuka said as she flung open the curtains in his bedroom.

Shinji shielded his eyes from the sudden glare and sat up in his bed. He looked surprised that he was still in his pajamas and Asuka was wearing a nice low-cut green dress. "Why aren't you naked?"

Asuka gasped and held her hand modestly over her chest. "What?! How dare you ask that!"

Shinji shook his head. "I'm sorry, it's just that was how you kept waking me up before..."

"Only a couple times. But if you really want..." Asuka reached behind her back and started unzipping her dress.

"NO!"

Asuka shrugged. "Whatever. Come on, get dressed and we can go."

"Go?"

"To the park for breakfast so we can celebrate your freedom!"

"I don't feel like it."

"I wasn't asking," Asuka declared, sounding like her old self.

* * *

Reluctantly, Shinji followed Asuka up the hill. When they reached the top, he looked around. "Where's the gang?"

"It's just us, silly."

Shinji frowned. "I told you we can't date anymore."

"It's not a date. Can't two friends go on a picnic? Or are you saying that I'm not your friend anymore?" Asuka frowned and did her best to look hurt.

Shinji waved his hand. "No... no... of course, you're still my friend. I just meant... I..."

Asuka smiled. "Let's eat then."

As he sat down to eat, Shinji started to wonder if Asuka had been taken over by pods from outer space. She isn't acting like herself. -E- -V- -A-

Asuka lay on the grass and watched the clouds drift by. "That one looks like a flower."

"Yeah... maybe." Shinji muttered. It looks more like Rei's face. Asuka pointed up at a cloud drifting by. "Wow... that one looks like your head."

Shinji squinted. "No it doesn't."

"Wrong head." She gestured at his groin.

Shinji gasped and tried to deny it. Unfortunately, when he looked at the cloud again he realized it did look like the head of a penis.

Despite himself, he started to giggle.

They lay like that for another hour, talking and laughing like old times.

As they got up to leave, Asuka realized she had forgotten that she was supposed to be making him pay for hurting her. Oh, well... maybe later.

* * *

A few days later at school, Kensuke and Shinji swapped stories about their encounters with Misato.

"So, was her clit really sensitive for you too?" Kensuke asked.

Shinji blushed and looked around the schoolyard to make sure no one was within earshot. "Yeah, I guess... It was dark and I didn't know it was Misato."

"Who did you think it was?"

"Rei or Asuka... although near the end I was fairly certain that it was Asuka. Rei's breasts are a little smaller."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

Shinji scowled at Kensuke. "That's the girl I love you're talking about."

"And your sister. Are you really going to live with her after she gets out of jail?" Kensuke asked.

Shinji nodded. "Yes, I love her. I can't imagine being without her.

Knowing that she's in jail is killing me."

"Yeah, that's got to be..."

Kensuke was cut off when Touji plopped down next to them. "Well, Hikari and me have done it five times now."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "You don't have to tell us after every time, Touji."

"Yeah..."

"You two are just jealous of our exciting love life. We just did it in the girls' bathroom... talk about daring." Touji smiled as he boasted of his escapades.

Shinji sighed. "Rei and me did it in handcuffs while we were on the run from the law."

Kensuke looked at Touji. "Sorry, man, he has you beat there."

Touji frowned. "The wedding cake frosting was kinky and all that, but does it count when he does it with his sister?"

Shinji smirked. "Oh yeah... it counted."

Touji frowned. "I'll be right back." He rushed off to find Hikari.

Shinji and Kensuke laughed.

Shinji turned back to look at Kensuke. "You think we should tell him about us and Misato?"

Kensuke shook his head. "No, I don't think Hikari could handle Touji trying to catch up with us if he knew that. She's kind of frail and seems to enjoy gentle sex."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "You didn't..."

Kensuke swallowed hard as he realized what he had let slip out.

"Don't tell Touji! He'll kill me!"

Shinji looked around to see if they were being overheard and then leaned over to Kensuke. "So how was it?"

Kensuke grinned. "Best I've had so far."

Shinji patted Kensuke's shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't tell..."

"Thanks."

Shinji continued. "For the price of a train ticket to Osaka-2."

Kensuke gaped at Shinji. "You could have just asked for a loan."

Shinji frowned and looked nervously at his hands. "Sorry... it's just that everyone is against me seeing her."

"Well, I'm your friend and think you should do what your heart tells you to do."

"Thanks. Now about..."

Kensuke smiled. "How much do you need?"

"Well, there's the ticket itself, but there was something else I wanted to get for her..."

* * *

"What, again?" Hikari asked as she hobbled out of the school and saw an obviously horny Touji waiting for her. The obvious part was the huge bulge on his pants.

Touji smiled and nodded. "Yeah... and I know just the right place."

Hikari rolled her eyes. No matter what we do, it's just not the same. Maybe it's just the first time that is enjoyable for everyone. -E- -V- -A-

Asuka and Shinji walked home that afternoon, talking casually.

"Hey, Shinji?" Asuka asked as they reached Shinji's apartment.

"Yes?"

"Are your parents home?"

"No, you know that they have their marriage counseling today."

Asuka tried to act surprised. "You don't say? Well, let's watch TV, play a game, have sex, or something."

"Okay..." Shinji absently responded.

Asuka smiled broadly.

"But forget about the sex. It ain't going to happen." Shinji turned his back to Asuka and inserted his key into the lock.

Asuka shot daggers into his back with her eyes until the tears forced her to close them.

Shinji opened the door and turned to let Asuka in, but instead he saw her running down the street, apparently crying. He started to run after her, but realized that would only encourage her more. I'm sorry, Asuka.

* * *

Asuka ran into the night until she found herself in a small park.

She collapsed onto a bench and sobbed into her hands. "Shinji, you jerk!

Don't you know I love you!" She gasped as she heard herself say the words. She raised her head and looked into the sky. "Why... why, did I say that?"

"Because it's the truth."

Asuka looked over at the source of the voice and gasped when she saw a ghostly apparition of herself floating a foot or so over the ground. "Wha..." She slid down the bench and tumbled off the edge in her fright. "Stay away!"

The ghostly Asuka shook her head sadly. "Don't worry, I'm here to help."

"Who are you?"

The ghostly Asuka decided to use the explanation she had given Shinji a while back when he had visited his alter-ego. "I'm the Asuka in your mind."

"Yeah, right... who'd believe that? What do you want?"

"To help you get Shinji."

"How? Do I beat him up until he gives in and dates me again, or do I find some way to blackmail him?"

"No... You have to find a way to make him fall in love with you."

Asuka swallowed hard and said something she had been denying to herself. Somehow telling it to the ghost was easier. Of course, technically that was admitting it to herself. "He's not interested. He just has the hots for his little slut of a sister."

The ghostly Asuka scowled. "Yeah, the clone is always diverting his attention from me too."

"Clone?"

The ghostly Asuka shook her head. "Don't worry about that. I can only visit you once-" She paused and shuddered at the thought of what she had done to get into Shinji's world "-so we have to get this right the first time. Do you trust me?"

Asuka seemed to consider this for a moment before she answered.

"Well, you have a honest enough face."

After going over the details of her plan, the ghostly Asuka faded out of existence and back into the theater. She looked around the quiet theater to see if anyone noticed what she had done. "A good night's work, I think."

She looked down at the sleeping Shinji to make sure he hadn't woken up. Satisfied that he was still oblivious to her intrusion into his perfect world, she withdrew one finger from Shinji's ear and her other finger from his anus. "Damn, that's a disgusting way to get myself into his crappy world. I'm never doing that again." She wiped her hand off on Shinji's stomach and walked away.

When Shinji awoke later, he was puzzled by the marks on his belly.

He ran a finger across them and sniffed the substance. "Ewwww..." He jumped to his feet and looked around. "Asuka!"

* * *

The next day, Shinji awoke to a familiar sensation. He opened his eyes and saw Rei sitting on top of his mighty oak and bouncing up and down. "Rei?" He gasped.

Rei put her finger to her mouth and shushed him.

"But how did you get out?"

Rei put her hand over his mouth and continued bouncing.

Shinji got lost in the sensation. He reached up and massaged her breasts as she bounced. Suddenly, he frowned and blinked his eyes a few times. He looked down at where her body joined with his and swore.

"Shit! What are you doing, Asuka!"

"I'm Rei."

"Don't give me that!" Shinji pushed her off his mighty oak just before he shuddered and a white liquid spurted out. "Why the hell are you pretending to be Rei, Asuka?"

Asuka look up from the spot on the floor where she had landed after being rudely interrupted. She frowned and pulled off the short blue wig she was wearing. "Damn, what gave me away?"

"For one, your breasts are bigger."

Asuka smiled and stuck out her chest proudly. "Yeah, I know."

"And second, you should have dyed your pubic hair!"

Asuka frowned and looked down at her red bush. "Damn, she forgot about that."

"She?"

Asuka ignored the question.

"What the hell were you trying to do anyway?"

"Showing you that sex with me can be just as enjoyable as with your sister." Asuka ran her hands sensually across her body. "You seemed to be enjoying it."

"Stop that!" Shinji reached for a sheet to cover his naked body.

"It doesn't matter if sex with you is enjoyable or not. I don't love you... I love Rei!"

"Well, she's in jail and she's also your sister, Dummkopf!"

"I don't care. It's not just about sex. I love Rei because when we're together I feel good and my life would be empty without her. I've never felt that way about anyone before. I still like you Asuka, as a friend. Although I'm starting to dislike what you're doing. Get it through your head that we can't be lovers, can't be boyfriend-girlfriend, and if you keep this up, we can't be friends anymore."

Asuka frowned and started to cry. She stood up and started to redress. "I'm just trying to make you realize that you can't really expect to have a real relationship with a girl who is your sister."

Shinji sighed and reached for his pajamas. "Yes, I can. Now... I'm going down to Osaka-2 to see her today and..." After slipping his pants on, he reached over to his nightstand and picked up a small ring box.

"I'm giving her an engagement ring. It may not lead to a real wedding, but I love her and that's the end of that! Live with it!"

Asuka finished putting her dress back on and then made an attempt to grab the ring box. "Gimme that!"

Shinji pulled the box back and held it protectively against his chest. "I'm sorry, Asuka, but there is no chance that we can ever be a couple."

Just then, Shinji's Mom opened the door and walked in. "Wake up, sleepy boy..." She gasped when she saw Asuka. "Oh, Asuka. I didn't know you were here."

Asuka blushed. "Um, I just wanted to wake him up like old times."

Yui looked between Asuka and Shinji. "I see... Will you two please come to the living room so my husband and I can talk to you both?"

Shinji and Asuka nodded.

Asuka was raging inside at the failed plan. That's the last time I listen to myself.

* * *

Yui and Gendou sat across from the two very uncomfortable teenagers.

"Now, Shinji I'm glad you've started to get over your crush on Rei..." Yui began.

"It's not crush!" Shinji insisted. "I love her and no matter what anyone says, I'm going to spend my life with her!"

Gendou sighed and looked sternly at his son. "Shinji, Rei is your sister. You are just confused."

"Shut up, you jackass!"

Asuka and Shinji looked at Yui after her unexpected outburst.

"Sorry, Dear." Gendou bowed his head.

Yui ignored her husband for the moment and looked back to Shinji.

"Shinji, if you really love Rei, why were you having sex with Asuka!"

"I wasn't! I mean... she tricked me. I thought she was Rei!"

Shinji's blush deepened.

Yui looked at Asuka. "Asuka, what do you have to say?"

Asuka twiddled her fingers and avoided looking at Yui. She didn't want to admit she had tricked Shinji into having sex with her. "Um...

nothing. I was just waking him up like I always have."

"So, you've had sex with Shinji every time you came over to wake him up?"

"No! We haven't had sex!" Asuka's words did not ring true to Yui.

"I find that hard to believe considering what's hanging from your ear."

Asuka frowned and reached up and felt her ear, which was the ear Shinji couldn't see. She withdrew her hand and gasped when he saw what it was. "Ewwww..."

"Now, how many times have you two had sex?"

"It's just hair gel!" Asuka insisted. To prove this, she combed it through her hair. "See?"

Yui looked suspiciously at the tall cowlick that now rose from Asuka's head. "Asuka, it's alright with us if you and Shinji love each other."

"Yeah, and it's better than Shinji having sex with his sister!"

Gendou blurted, but quickly cowered away when Yui glared at him. "Sorry, Dear."

Asuka glanced awkwardly at Shinji. "Um... well... I'm just trying to make sure Shinji doesn't throw his life away."

"Do you love my son, Asuka?"

Asuka blushed and nodded. "I guess."

Yui turned towards her son. "Shinji, do you love Asuka?"

"No!" Shinji exclaimed with conviction, causing Asuka to scowl at him. "I love Rei, and only Rei. Asuka is just a friend."

"Dummkopf," Asuka muttered.

Shinji scowled at Asuka. "But I'm not sure for how much longer."

Gendou worked up his courage and looked at his wife. "I think it's time we told them. It would help Shinji get over this crush on his sister."

Yui nodded. "NOW you start making sense." She turned towards the teenagers. "Shinji. Asuka. We meant to wait until you were sixteen to tell you this and see how you got along. We were very happy when you two started dating."

"We never really dated!"

"We were so dating, you prick!"

"Anyway, after Second Impact reduced the population of the planet, there was a lot of concern over future generations."

"Yeah... yeah... we learned all this in history, Mom. But what does it have to do with Asuka and me?"

"Well, back when you both were barely out of diapers, we made a agreement with Asuka's parents."

"Huh?" Shinji started to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"You and Asuka are engaged to be married."

Shinji's jaw dropped.

Asuka's jaw dropped as well, but soon turned into a smile as she realized what that meant.

"How do you both feel about this?"

Asuka was the first to answer. "It's great... Mother. I'll make sure your son is happy."

Yui smiled.

Shinji clenched his fists. "No! No! No!" He stood up suddenly. "I am sick of you all telling me I can't be with the girl I love. And now you try to force me into some arranged marriage! This is the third millennium, not the primitive second!"

Yui reached out to hold Shinji's hand, but he rejected her attempts to comfort him. "Shinji, I thought it was old fashioned at the time too, but everyone was worried about the fact that the birth rate was decreasing rapidly after Second Impact. Making arranged marriages for your kids to ensure that they had a spouse when they were older was very fashionable."

"Fashionable?! So I imagine that it was fashionable for Dad to sleep around with anyone who would spread her legs for him?!"

Yui shook his head sadly. "No... he's just a cheating bastard." She glared at her husband.

"No, I was just doing my part to repopulate the Earth!" Gendou seemed quite proud of himself for using that as an excuse until Yui reminded of a little detail he had forgotten about.

"Shinji and Rei were both conceived before Second Impact."

"Well, err..." Gendou retreated into the corner of the couch -E- -V- -A-

"Hot damn!" Asuka shouted. Damn, that worked even better than my original plan. Since sex with me would naturally be much better that with Rei, Shinji would have dumped his sister for that Asuka. And even if that didn't work, getting that Asuka pregnant would ensure Shinji stayed with her, but this is just perfect. Asuka's got Shinji's parents on her side now. She looked away from the viewpoint and at Rei, who was standing by Shinji's side. "Asuka's going to get Shinji after all!"

"I doubt it," Rei casually replied.

Asuka smirked. "Shinji would never defy his dear mother... he'll marry me in that world."

Shinji snapped out of his trace and sighed. "What else can go wrong?"

Asuka smirked. "Nothing wrong with you marrying me, Shinji."

Shinji looked sadly at Asuka. "It is if he doesn't love her."

"How do you know he doesn't love her?"

Shinji looked back at the viewpoint. "He doesn't." He glanced at Rei and saw her smile. Why does seeing her smile make me feel so good? -E- -V- -A-

"Hey, that's great," Touji exclaimed and held up his glass of soda.

"A toast to the happy couple! Kanpai!"

Kensuke followed suit, but not as enthusiastically as Touji.

"Kanpai!"

Shinji banged his head repeatedly against the table of the small burger joint the gang had dragged him to. There is no way I can go through with this, but my mother is so insistent. If it was Dad, this would be a no brainer, but how can I get my mother to understand? Asuka was relishing all the attention their friends were giving their engagement. The faster I make sure everyone knows we're engaged, the harder it will be for the little weasel to squirm out of it. Hikari was torn between being happy for Asuka and also knowing that Shinji didn't love her. Even if they do get married now, it'll end up as a loveless marriage. I'm just glad I have Kensuke to... Hikari gasped and looked between Kensuke and Touji. Get a hold of yourself, Hikari. Sure Kensuke is great in bed, but that's not everything. I have so much more with Touji. Even as she thought those words, Hikari wasn't sure what she thought she had with Touji.

Hikari was shaken out of her thoughts when Asuka asked her a question. "What's wrong, girlfriend?"

"Nothing... um... I was just daydreaming."

Asuka smirked. "Bet you were wondering what it would be like to be married to Touji."

"No!" Hikari blushed and looked at Touji.

Touji laughed. "Well, that one thing I'm not in a hurry to do, so Shinji is more than welcome to beat me to the altar."

Hikari frowned.

Kensuke straightened his glasses. "Well, we all have a lot of time ahead of us to find the one we want to spend our lives with." He subconsciously glanced at Hikari.

Hikari noticed his glance and blushed a deeper shade of red.

Despite hating it, Shinji stayed at the improvised engagement party until it broke up. He raced to the train station but missed the last train that could get him to Osaka-2 during visiting hours. Shit...

tomorrow for sure.

* * *

Rei paced back and forth in her cell. "His letter said he'd be visiting today. Where could he be?" She paced some more before spotting one of the guards passing by. "Umiko, have I had any visitors?"

The large stocky woman paused. "Nope, sorry. Visiting hours are over now... so maybe tomorrow."

Rei dropped to the floor and started to cry. "Have you forgotten me already, Shinji?"

* * *

After their now daily 'let's find someplace exciting to fuck' date, Hikari walked home along the lake near her apartment. It's the same thing every day... we don't even talk anymore. She sighed heavily.

"What am I going to do?"

"Hikari?"

Hikari started at the sudden voice and looked around. "Kensuke?

Um... evening."

Kensuke smiled. "Good evening. You just get done with your date?"

"Yeah..."

"I see you had fun."

"Huh?"

"You're not wearing your panties." Kensuke's voice almost had a touch of jealousy in it.

Hikari blushed and looked down at her dress to make sure everything was in place. Touji had torn her panties, so she had to do without on the way home. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time. "Um... how did you know?"

Kensuke shrugged. "No panty line."

Hikari blush deepened. "You know, for someone who has only had sex once, you're pretty slick."

"Um... it wasn't my first time."

Hikari gasped. "Ah! So you did have practice to get so good," she said without thinking. She looked awkwardly at the ground when she realized what she had she said. "Um.. what I mean..."

"Don't worry about it, Hikari. I'm not going to risk getting Touji mad at me, so I'll keep my feelings to myself."

Hikari stared silently at Kensuke for several seconds before speaking. "Feelings? You have feelings for me?"

"Err... no... um... I meant... err..."

Hikari shut him up with a kiss.

They spent the rest of the night together talking about anything not related to that kiss or the night they slept together. Around midnight, Kensuke walked her home and they awkwardly said goodnight.

Kensuke was about to turn away, when he stopped and pulled Hikari into a long kiss.

* * *

The next morning, Shinji was determined to make it to Osaka-2 on the first train of the day. He ran out of his apartment without even having breakfast or speaking to his parents. They'd just try to stop me anyway.

He was almost to the train station when Kaji pulled up beside him in a red sports car. "Shinji!"

Shinji started and looked into the car and gasped. "Kaji?"

"Get in, kid. Misato wanted me to come and get you two."

"Two?" Shinji leaned down and looked into the car and saw Kensuke in the passenger seat. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, kid, she just asked me to get both of you. Get in."

Shinji checked his watch. "Um... I really can't right now."

"Do you really want Misato angry at you? Trust me kid, it's not a pleasant experience."

Shinji gulped. "Well... as long as it doesn't take that long, it's okay. I've got a train to catch." He got in and the car sped off.

* * *

Misato stood in front of the couch that Shinji, Kensuke, and Kaji sat on. "Now, I'm sure you are all wondering why I got you all together."

The three on the couch nodded in unison.

"Since I'm not sure how else to say it, I'm going to make this short." She breathed deeply and looked the three of them in their eyes.

"I just found out that I'm pregnant and one of you must be the father."

Kaji's political career, which was already on life support, vanished with that single statement.

Kensuke shuddered as he heard the news.

And Shinji fainted and ended up missing his train trip to visit Rei.

* * *

Asuka smiled as Shinji shuddered out of his trance and collapsed onto the floor. She put a visor on her head and pulled out a notebook.

"Okay, I'm taking bets on who the father of Misato's baby is. Who's in?"

"Asuka!" Shinji snapped.

Asuka ignored him. "Shinji's the favorite at the moment."

Rei frowned. "Why's that?"

"Because that would suck the most." Asuka grinned broadly.

"Give me a million yen on Kaji being the father."

Asuka smiled at Misato. "Okay, you're covered. Although the odds are pretty bad on him being the father."

Misato scowled. "Why is that? He's had to have made love to that Misato more than the other two."

"Maybe, but Kaji being the father would make Misato happy... so in that world it's unlikely."

"Give me two million on Kensuke."

Asuka made an entry in her notebook. "Okay, the clone is in. But why Kensuke? I'd have thought you'd always bet on Shinji."

"I am. I'm betting that he will find happiness." Rei smiled and looked at Shinji.

"You're weird, you know that."

"Ten million on Shinji being the father."

Asuka gasped and looked at Shinji. "Wow. You're that sure your world sucks?"

Shinji sighed. "Why not? If it's bad for Shinji, it'll happen. And I can't think of anything worse than him being the father of Misato's child."

* * *

"Rei, you have a visitor," the guard called out as she unlocked the door.

Rei sprang from her bed and was running down the hall before the guard even finished opening the door fully. Rei rushed down and into the little visitor cubical. "Shinji!" Her momentum almost sent her crashing into the glass separating the two sides of the cubicle.

"That's no way to greet your mother."

Rei snarled when she saw Ritsuko standing on the other side of the glass instead of Shinji. "What are you doing here?! I told you the last time you came that I don't want to see you or Grandmother anymore. And that goes double for when I get out of here."

"Rei, I know you're mad at me, but you got yourself into this mess.

Your grandmother and I love you."

"I'm sorry, but until you accept that I will spend my life with Shinji, I don't want to have anything to do with you." Rei folded her hands across her chest and made to leave.

"Don't you want to know why he hasn't come to see you since he got out of jail?"

Those words froze Rei in her tracks. "Wh...why?"

"Well, apparently he's engaged to that Asuka girl."

Rei's response was barely audible. "No..."

"Yes, I talked to her mother to confirm it. It was arranged a long time ago. Face it, he was just using you for your body."

"No... he... he loves me."

"Then why hasn't he visited you?"

Rei was trembling. "I don't know... I have to get out of here so I can talk to him."

"Sorry. You'd best use these three years to get over him. He'll be married to her by then."

"No... no... no!" Rei put her hands to the glass. "Listen, Mother, I know you don't like him and think our love is wrong, but you have to get Grandmother to use her connections to get me out of here!"

"No. Every time we bail you out of one problem, you just get into more trouble. This time you have to face the music. Maybe this time you'll learn something." Ritsuko sighed and looked downwards. "I'm sorry."

Rei started to shake uncontrollably. After several seconds of silence, she looked her mother straight in her eyes and spoke. "You can't leave me in here. I wanted to tell Shinji first, but I'm carrying his child!"

* * *

Shinji shuddered and collapsed to the floor of the theater. "I was wrong. Being the father of two different women's babies would be worse."

"Like father, like son." Asuka started to laugh uncontrollably.


	18. Fatherhood Sucks!

Garden of Eva 1:8 - Fatherhood Sucks!

* * *

Shinji straightened his bow tie and looked at his reflection in the mirror. The tie looks good, but the face looks nervous. He took several deep breaths and tried to calm himself. I shouldn't be nervous.

We will have a fun time and not worry about anything. After getting his hand to stop shaking, Shinji turned around and started to walk towards his destination. After he reached her door, he paused. No, this isn't going to work. He started to turn around when he stopped himself. No! I won't run out! He turned around and knocked on the door.

Behind the door, Rei sprang to her feet and smiled. "He's here!"

She checked her hair in a mirror and flicked a strand of hair that was out of place. "I'm going, Mom!"

"Have fun, dear, but not too much fun, if you know what I mean."

Rei sighed. "Okay, okay... I already promised not to fuck him during our date tonight!"

On the other side of the door, Shinji blushed at hearing Rei's shout. No need to be nervous... she just said she wouldn't do that. His hand started to shake again as he raised his arm to knock again.

Before his hand reached the door, Rei opened it. "Hi, Shinji!" She smiled.

Shinji's heart skipped a beat as he withdrew his hand. "Hi...

Rei..." His voice cracked and rose a few octaves. He held out his other hand and handed a bouquet of roses to her. "Here."

Rei face brightened as she took the flowers. "Thank you, Shinji.

Shall we go?"

Shinji nodded, not trusting his voice. He held out his hand and Rei eagerly took it.

"So, where are we going?"

Shinji looked at Rei and smiled. "Over to the other side of the theater."

"Oh, it's so pretty over there." Rei beamed. "I like the bow tie, by the way."

Shinji blushed. "Thanks."

"It doesn't go with the rest of what you're wearing, though."

Shinji looked down at his naked body and frowned. "It doesn't?"

Rei shrugged, causing her naked chest to rise slightly. "It just seems out of place for some reason."

* * *

Shinji and Rei lay next to each other and stared at the ceiling.

"You do this a lot?" Rei asked after she grew tired of staring.

"Yeah... it's sort of relaxing."

"It's a bit boring."

"Yeah... that too."

Rei sat up. "Shinji?"

Shinji looked up at her and saw that mischievous look in her eyes that he was used to seeing in Asuka's eyes. Uh... oh. She wants to fuck. He swallowed and then reluctantly answered her. "Yes, Rei?"

"Can we..."

"Can we?"

"Can we paint the ceiling?"

Shinji's mouth dropped open at the unexpected question. "Huh?"

"Well, since you think it's boring, let's paint it a different color."

Shinji thought for a few moments before smiling broadly. "Okay...

why not."

* * *

Later, Shinji lay on the floor of the theater and looked up at the ceiling. For once, he didn't get depressed when he did this. Instead of its old solid white paint job, it now had a vivid rainbow painted across its surface. Flowers and other colorful plants were painted around the rainbow in a splash of color that the theater desperately needed.

Shinji looked over at Rei and then down at his naked body. He frowned when he saw all the paint drops and splashes on his skin. He looked back at Rei and wondered about her clean skin. "How did you keep from getting paint on you?"

"I was careful."

"Ah." Shinji turned his head back and contemplated the ceiling. He stealthily reached over and grabbed a paintbrush with red paint on it.

In one quick swipe, he painted a racing stripe down Rei's side.

"Shinji!"

Shinji smiled playfully and painted two circles around her breasts.

In retaliation, Rei reached behind her and grabbed a blue paintbrush. With a flurry of movement, she wrote 'oak tree' on Shinji's chest and an arrow down to his groin.

In no time, the two teenagers were splashing paint all over each other. After several minutes of this, Rei's blue hair was a mixture of red, blue, green, purple, and burnt umber. The rest of her body was splashed with similar colors.

Rei had been more detailed in her painting. In addition to her pointing out Shinji's mighty oak, she also had painted lightning bolts down his thighs, flower petals around his nipples, a kabuki mask on his face, and a tiger-striped thong on his nether regions. How she managed to paint in such detail was anybody's guess.

Shinji was trying his best to get her back in kind, but was obviously not able to do anything as detailed as the 'kick me' painted on his backside. He reached a brush towards her, but she easily dodged his attempts to paint 'spank me' on her buttocks. Maybe he should have just spanked her instead, she might not have dodged that.

In his attempts to paint Rei, Shinji slipped on a discarded paintbrush and fell forwards. Rei reached out to help, but instead ended up falling with him. They crashed onto the floor together. Shinji grunted and opened his eyes to find himself looking directly into Rei's eyes. "Um..."

Rei waited for something to happen. Half of her was longing for his kiss and the other half was screaming about the pain from her hip where he had landed on her. She ignored the latter, in hopes of the former.

After an eternity of beating hearts, Shinji slipped off her body.

"Sorry." He slipped a few meters away and sat cross-legged on the floor.

Rei frowned as she got up off the floor and knelt down next to him, rubbing her hip. "Shinji... didn't you want to kiss me?"

Shinji didn't look up. "Yeah..."

"Then why didn't you? I enjoyed it when you kissed me before."

"I don't know. I wanted to, but..."

"But what? I thought you had made a choice."

"I did and I want to see it out... but..."

Rei reached out and pulled Shinji's head to face her. "But what?"

"I... don't have any protection."

Astonished, Rei's legs went limp and she fell to the side, making a mighty thump when she hit the floor.

Shinji grabbed a paintbrush and grinned mischievously. He quickly wrote 'spank me' on her buttocks. "Got you!"

Rei spun around a few times trying to see what he wrote, but couldn't. "What does it say?"

Shinji smiled. "I'm not telling."

"Please." Rei started to get dizzy from spinning around trying to look at her own butt.

"I'll show you."

"Okay."

* * *

Asuka heard a loud slapping sound and looked up from the card game she was playing with Misato. "What was that?"

Misato clenched her fists. "I don't know." She looked back at her cards. I promised Rei I wouldn't interfere with their date today, but I don't know how much longer I can ignore all those sounds. Asuka smiled as she lifted her two replacement cards. "Ha!"

Misato looked at her opponent. She's not very good at poker. -E- -V- -A-

Shinji banged his head repeatedly against the last wall in his room without head holes in it. "No... no... no."

Shinji's mother poked her head in the door. "Shinji, are you sure you won't talk to me about this? You've been upset about something for the past few days. If it's about your engagement..."

"I'm not marrying Asuka!"

Yui flinched from the loud outburst. "Then what is it?"

We all agreed not to tell anyone else until we could confirm who was the father, but not knowing is killing me. Shinji stopped banging his head and collapsed onto his bed. "I'm just upset about missing my train to Osaka-2 the other day. No refunds, my ass."

Yui sighed. "Come on." She held out her hand.

"Huh?"

"If you must see her, we can go down together today."

Shinji was stunned. He looked between his mother and the clock, mentally calculating the time they had until the next train. "Why all of a sudden?"

"I had hoped you would realize that it's just a crush or infatuation by now. Maybe talking to her will..."

Shinji got angrily to his feet. "It's not a crush, it's love!"

"Shinji, you're too young to know what love is."

Shinji looked ready to continue fighting, but decided it was a waste of time. "Whatever... let's just go." He walked over to his dresser and paused. "I'll be right out."

"Okay." Yui sighed and left her son's room, wondering if she was doing the right thing. Well, at least I can have a good long talk with him on the way down.

After his mother left, Shinji opened his top drawer and pulled out the little ring box. Nothing is going to stop me today. -E- -V- -A-

"We're sorry, but due to mechanical problems, the ten O'clock train to Osaka-2 has been canceled."

"Fuck!" Shinji screamed, oblivious to the other waiting passengers on the platform.

"Shinji, watch your language." Yui put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder. "There's always tomorrow."

"I can't wait any longer! You can't possibly know how it feels to be separated from her."

Yui smiled. "Yes, I can. When your father is away at one his seminars..."

Shinji scoffed. "Learning the best way to unstick vending machine nozzles is hardly a seminar!"

Yui ignored her son's interruption. "I miss him terribly when we're apart."

"It's not the same, I LOVE Rei!"

Yui smirked. "Despite his shortcomings, I do love your father."

"Shortcomings... right."

Yui sighed. "Shinji, your father is a good man. He has his flaws-"

She exhaled deeply. "-many, many flaws. I can't even count them anymore.

I tried once and got a headache. I mean, how does one man have so many flaws? It's..."

Shinji cleared his throat to stop his mother's ramblings.

Yui looked a bit embarrassed. "Anyway, what I mean is that it's not like he's some sort of evil megalomaniac bent on destroying the world."

"Sometimes I wonder..."

Yui smiled slightly. "Just between you and me, he's not exactly a rocket scientist. He can't even get our HD-DVD recorder to stop flashing twelve o'clock, let alone figure out how to destroy the world." She started laughing.

Despite himself, Shinji joined her.

Yui gave her son a long hug. "That's what I like to see, my happy son."

"If you truly want me to be happy, you'll let me live with Rei."

"Shinji..."

An announcement interrupted Yui. "Ladies and gentlemen, the train arriving on platform two is being rerouted to return to Osaka-2 to replace the southbound train that some moron ran off the tracks."

A second voice was heard over the loudspeakers. "It wasn't my fault! A blonde girl in a sailor suit ran across the tracks!"

"Before you said it was a rabbit."

"Exactly!"

"Alright!" Shinji exclaimed and grabbed their bags. He rushed towards the bullet train that was just pulling up to the platform. "Come on, Mom."

Yui reluctantly followed her suddenly re-energized son. He really does love her.

As Shinji and Yui stepped onto the train, another mother and child stepped off from the next car.

"It's about time. I thought you'd nag me to death before we got here!" Rei snapped as she made her way to the exit.

Ritsuko glared at her daughter. "That is no way to speak to me after I just got you out of three years of prison!"

"Fine... I'll wait until later." Rei went silent, as if giving up the fight.

Ritsuko smirked at her triumph. The smirk vanished when Rei started speaking a moment later.

"Okay, it's later. You know damn well that you and grandmother did it just to avoid the stigma of your unwed daughter having a baby in jail. Just being in jail makes me 'just another bad kid' and you could probably get sympathy from your stuck up friends, but being left in jail when I'm pregnant would make you a bad mother in their eyes. Right?"

"You could be a little more grateful."

"Yeah, right. You were going to leave me to rot in jail!"

Ritsuko sighed and decided she wasn't going to win this argument.

Rei smiled at finally getting her mother to shut up.

* * *

Later that day, a very tired Shinji and Yui stumbled into their apartment.

Shinji threw down their bags. "I don't believe that we went all the way down to Osaka-2 and she wasn't there! How could she have gotten out of jail and not have told me!"

Yui opened her mouth to speak, but someone else replied.

"Because I wanted to surprise you."

Shinji looked down the hallway and saw Rei standing at the end.

"Rei!" He closed the distance in a split second and pulled her into a long kiss.

After the kiss went into its second minute, Yui cleared her throat.

When it entered its third minute, Yui pulled the two teenagers apart.

"Put your hormones in check. What are you doing here, Rei?"

Rei was trying to catch her breath after the long kiss, but she was still smiling. "Your husband let us in."

Shinji and Yui looked around.

Rei giggled. "He's hiding in the bathroom."

Yui rolled her eyes.

Rei turned toward Shinji. "I'm sorry, Shinji. If I had known you were coming to visit, I'd have told you I was getting released today. I wanted to surprise you."

"You did." Shinji started give her another kiss, but was interrupted only seconds into it this time.

"Get your lips off my daughter, you asshole!"

Shinji instinctively backpedaled away from Rei at hearing the angry shout. "Oh... you're here, old woman." He did not sound thrilled to see Ritsuko.

Ritsuko closed the distance to Shinji in a heartbeat. She pulled his hair and yanked him away from her daughter. "Shut up, or I won't let you marry my daughter."

Two jaws hit the floor and made a mighty thump. Those jaws belonged to a mother and son.

* * *

Two mothers squared off across from each other in the living room with their respective son or daughter. After being dragged out of the bathroom, the father of both children sat as far away from the two mothers as he could manage.

"I'm sorry, but Shinji is already engaged to marry Asuka," Yui stated.

Rei frowned and looked at Shinji. "I know you didn't expect me to get out this soon, but did you really forget about me that fast?"

"It's not my idea, Rei! Our parents set it up years ago and just told me last week!" Shinji blurted, wanting to take Rei in his arms to reassure her. Only Ritsuko's repeated threats to cause him great bodily harm kept Shinji from doing so now.

Rei's face fell and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Oh...

so you can't marry me then?"

"You bet I can! Asuka can go take a flying leap off the new Tokyo Tower!"

* * *

Shinji came out of his trance after Asuka bashed him over the head with a mallet. "Hey!"

"Jerk!" Asuka swung the mallet at Shinji's head again.

"Stop that," Rei said casually as she grabbed the mallet in mid-swing.

Asuka looked in amazement at how Rei had managed to stop her swing so easily. "He deserves it after so casually ditching me!"

Shinji rubbed his head. "He never accepted that engagement before, so why is it so surprising now?"

"I just don't like how you're treating me."

Shinji sighed. "I'm sorry, but that world has gotten out of my control, so it's no use blaming me."

Asuka crossed her arms. "Things seems to be looking up for that Shinji, if you ask me."

"Just wait till he finds out Rei is pregnant... he'll lose it."

"Want to bet?"

"Sure."

"Okay, if he freaks out, then you can have sex with me. If he doesn't, then I can have sex with you."

"No! She's trying to trick you!" Rei blurted.

"Really? Are you sure?" Shinji smirked knowingly and then looked at Asuka. "Forget it then, Asuka. I don't want to fuck you."

Asuka huffed and folded her hands over her naked bosom.

* * *

Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji. I'll do whatever I can do to be a wonderful wife for you."

Yui cleared her throat and looked at Ritsuko. "Excuse me, but since Shinji is already engaged, I'll have to have a reason for your sudden change of heart before I even consider this as being a serious offer."

Ritsuko glared at Shinji, not particularly pleased to have to make this confession. "After Rei made her decision, I was reluctantly forced to admit that Shinji should marry her. Despite being the son of that bastard-" She glanced at Gendou. "-he does appear to love her. I guess a part of me wants her to be able to have a better life than I did, so at least this way her child won't be born out of wedlock."

"Yeah, but..." Shinji went silent when Ritsuko's last words finally sunk in. "Child?"

Rei nodded. "I'm pregnant."

"That's my son!" Gendou proudly blurted.

Yui threw an end table at her husband. "That's the problem, you idiot! He's too much like you! Well... at least he wouldn't be stupid enough to get two girls pregnant like you did."

Shinji gulped and thought about the fact that he had a one in three chance of being the father of Misato's child. They wouldn't know for sure until they could have some genetic tests done on the fetus and Shinji was dreading the outcome of that test more every day. The news that Rei was pregnant just added to his dread.

Yui looked at her son. "Assuming you weren't lying about not sleeping with Asuka."

"No! I never did!" Shinji snapped, earning a pleased smile from Rei. "Except for that one time that she tricked me, and we didn't... you know... finish."

Rei frowned.

Ritsuko spoke up. "Anyway, Rei has decided to keep the baby. Having gone through the same decision myself, I am at least going to give her the same support my mother did." She glared at Gendou. "Unfortunately, the father of my child took off on me."

Shinji was amazed at the change in Rei's mother. Gone was the cold, hard bitch that had tried to maim, eviscerate, and castrate him-which one depended on her mood and menstrual cycle. Instead, Shinji saw a mother who saw herself in her child and was trying to help Rei avoid making the same mistakes that she had. Maybe she always was and just went about it badly.

Gendou was suddenly the recipient of three very angry female glares that almost caused his manhood to fall off. He backed into the corner and looked at Shinji for help. None was forthcoming. "But... but...

they're brother and sister!"

Ritsuko glared at Gendou. "You would know, wouldn't you, asshole?"

Gendou retreated further into the corner and decided not to mention that little fact anymore, it just seemed to get him into more trouble for some reason.

Ritsuko looked back at Shinji and Yui. "I already thought about that. As far as the law is concerned, their birth certificates don't list any common parents. And they are both fifteen now, so with parental consent a marriage shouldn't be a problem."

Shinji and Rei exchanged glances. Rei spoke first. "Why didn't we ever think of that?"

Shinji shrugged his shoulders. He smiled and looked at Ritsuko.

"Ms. Akagi, it would be my pleasure to marry your daughter, my sister, and mother of my child."

"You haven't heard the conditions yet, sperm-boy."

Shinji frowned. "Huh?"

Rei looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry, Shinji, it was the only way she would agree."

"What conditions?" Yui asked.

Ritsuko grinned, as if she was going to enjoy telling him. "One, you'll promise to NEVER call me mother, grandmother, old lady, or anything other than Ms. Akagi."

Shinji agreed right away. "Deal."

"Second, I get to name the child."

Shinji was a little more hesitant on his agreement for this condition, but decided it was a small price to pay. "Deal."

Yui and Gendou didn't seem to like that condition.

"Third, you get a vasectomy."

"Deal..." Shinji's balls receded into his body when they realized what he had just agreed to. His brain figured it out a second later since it had a slightly lower I.Q. than his balls. "What?!"

Ritsuko's expression didn't change. "You heard me. Being related, you two can't have any more children and since I can't make sure that you two don't have sex without cutting off that little cock of yours that's the only way to ensure you don't have any more children."

"It's not little!" Rei blurted and then blushed.

Shinji echoed the blush. "Well... if that's what it takes... okay."

Yui put her hand on Shinji's hand. "Shinji, are you sure? You're so young and what about Asuka?"

Shinji nodded. "I'm sure. I love Rei, Mom. Asuka is a friend, but I don't love her and never will."

"But... the agreement between her parents and..."

"I never agreed to it and I can't honor it. I'm sorry."

Yui nodded. "Okay, it's your decision. You have to tell her yourself and deal with the consequences. That's what a man has to do."

"I understand."

Ritsuko looked at everyone assembled. "So, is it agreed?"

Shinji nodded.

Rei nodded enthusiastically.

Gendou wouldn't dare disagree.

All eyes turned towards Yui.

"Please, Mom?"

"I'll try and make sure you son is always happy, Mrs. Ikari."

"Honey?"

"Come on, come on... I don't have all day."

Yui looked at her son. "Shinji, I have been amazed at the maturity you have... sometimes exhibited during these events."

Shinji seemed to take exception to the 'sometimes', but didn't dare comment on it under the circumstances.

"So... I will give my permission..."

Shinji jumped over to Rei and gave her a long kiss.

Or started to.

"Wait... I have some conditions of my own."

Shinji reluctantly broke the kiss and looked at his mother. "What?"

"One, you'll clear up your relationship with Asuka once and for all."

"Deal. There really isn't any relationship anyway."

"That's not what Asuka thinks. Until she accepts it and nullifies the engagement herself, I will not give my blessing."

"Okay... she's a bit headstrong, but I'll get her to give up her fantasy."

Yui nodded. "Second, You two live together here with your father and me at least until you're eighteen."

Ritsuko stood up. "No, they'll live with my mother and me!"

Yui stood up and returned the other mother's glare. "You had your conditions, I have mine."

The two mothers faced off until one blinked. "Fine, but they don't get married until her third trimester. I don't want him married to her if she miscarries."

Rei frowned. "Thanks for the positive outlook, Mom."

"I just don't want to see you stuck in a loveless marriage."

"It won't be loveless!" Rei and Shinji chorused at the same time.

They smiled at each other and stole a quick kiss.

"Break it up!" Ritsuko snapped.

Rei and Shinji's lips parted, but they continued to hold hands and stayed close together.

"And my third and last condition..."

Everyone leaned forward to hear Yui's last condition.

"That you both live happily ever after."

Rei had been expecting something different, so just started blankly at her future mother-in-law.

Shinji smiled. He stood up and gave his mother a kiss on her cheek.

"We will." He turned to Rei's side and looked into her eyes. "I will make you happy."

Rei smiled. "You already have." She leaned over and gave him long kiss that was uninterrupted, despite Ritsuko's grinding teeth.

Shinji dug into his pocket and pulled out a small box. "Will you marry me, Rei?" He opened the box to reveal the ring inside.

Rei gasped and looked at the ring. The diamond was very, very small, but to her, it was huge. The magnifying glass Shinji was holding in front of it might have helped too. "How... how could you have known?"

Shinji smiled and lifted the ring out. "I didn't. I was going to give it to you when I visited you. It wouldn't have been a real engagement ring then, but it is now. Will you marry me, Rei?"

Rei scrunched up her face, as if thinking about it. "Well, I don't know..."

Shinji smiled slightly at what he assumed was Rei pulling his leg.

He hoped.

"Okay, I'll marry you." Rei smiled broadly as Shinji slipped the ring on her finger.

* * *

"This sucks," Asuka said as she dropped to the theater floor in front of Misato and sulked.

Misato looked down at Asuka. "Well, you're the one who always said it wasn't real, so why are you upset?"

"Because the little clone gets all the breaks."

"That's my daughter you're talking about."

"Oh yeah... Well, I meant the fake one. Ritsuko's daughter."

Misato seemed to consider this for a few seconds before speaking.

"Yeah, Ritsuko couldn't raise a daughter properly if her life depended on it."

Asuka grinned when she successfully redirected Misato's anger.

"Yeah, you're doing so much better in raising your Rei."

"Thanks."

* * *

Hikari smiled as her lips parted from Kensuke's. "That was like...

nothing I've ever felt before."

"Yeah..." Kensuke glanced around the park to make sure no one they knew was around.

Hikari sighed contently and put her head on Kensuke's shoulder. "So what are we going to tell Touji?"

"What?!" Kensuke screamed and sat up straight, causing Hikari to slip from his shoulder. "We can't tell him anything! He'll kill me and then you!"

Hikari pulled slightly away from Kensuke. "But we can't keep doing this. This is the third time we've been able to get together without being caught, but I know it can't last. I can't look him in the eye anymore when he..."

"But... but... he'll kill us!"

"Well, what else can we do? I can't just go on pretending with him forever. Every time he wants to have sex with me I either have to make up a story or let him have his way with me."

Kensuke looked over at Hikari, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "Hikari... I want to keep seeing you, but I can't see any way to let Touji know and still remain breathing."

Hikari sighed and put her head back on Kensuke's shoulder. "I know, but we have to do it. And Touji isn't a killer, so don't worry about that."

* * *

"I'll kill you!" Touji's fist impacted against the soft stomach and made a sizable indention. He used his other hand to wipe away the blood that had splashed across his head. "That'll teach you!" He twisted his arm and extracted it, pulling an assortment of intestines and other assorted organs out of the bloody cavity. He smiled and did a little happy dance until his head was sliced off.

"Damn!" Touji shouted as his controls went dead.

Hikari glanced at the display as Touji's Eva was destroyed. Idiot, you've got to keep your eyes on the other players. She glanced around and noticed that Asuka had a pair of Angels cornered and was slowly dissecting them. Hikari smiled and then took a running jump and landed by Kensuke's side. "Need some help?"

"No, I'm fine." Kensuke slashed the Unit Seven in half and then turned to face a little blob that was rolling towards him.

Hikari keyed her private channel. "Are you sure?" She keyed her armor release.

"Hikari!" Kensuke screamed when he saw the naked female body under her armor. He found himself unable to resist checking out the sensuous curves. Had it been the featureless female bodies that the Evas normally had without their armor he could have resisted, but since Hikari had enabled the full sex cheat, the body was accurate down to the last pubic hair. His mighty maple responded to the sight. He reached over and keyed his armor release, the sex cheat, and full privacy mode cheat.

The later cheat caused the black blob to suddenly roll off in another direction in search of a visible target. Asuka ended up being crushed to death by it.

Hikari smiled as Kensuke's armor fell away and revealed the twenty-foot long penis. Whoever designed this game is one sick person. Elsewhere, Rei's grandmother sneezed.

* * *

Touji watched Asuka come out of the launch bay. "How'd you do?"

Asuka shrugged. "Not bad, but we really have to get Shinji to practice with us."

"We're lucky that the organizers are going to let him play again. I just wish we didn't have to use Misato and her boy-toy to play in the final match. They are so bad."

Asuka pounded the wall, causing her breasts to bounce. "Don't remind me. If it wasn't for the fact that we'd have to forfeit without them, I'd never play with that asswipe."

"Why don't you like him?"

Asuka's blushed and started to turn away, but then stopped. "None of your damn business!" She shouted at Touji and backed him into a corner. "He's a jerk, that's all!" She shook her fist in his face, causing her breasts to bounce repeatedly.

Wow, Asuka's really stacked. Hmm, maybe if I... He titled his head. "Too bad Rei is still in jail or we'd be a shoe in."

"We can win without the little tramp!" Asuka harrumphed and crossed her arms over her breasts, causing her cleavage to become more pronounced.

"I'm not so sure..."

Asuka took a step towards Touji and punched his chest. "Dummkopf!

There is no way I'd ever play with Rei again! The two old fogies are where I draw the line!" She repeated her punch to punctuate her point.

Right on cue, Touji slid down to the floor as if the punch really hurt him and was greeted with a spectacular view of Asuka's panties under her short skirt. Wow, what a sight. He looked around. Where is Hikari? I need to fuck her now.

* * *

Hikari moaned as Kensuke's Eva made sweet passionate love to her.

Ah... even in here, he's great. Every few seconds she would subconsciously glance at the privacy indicators to make sure that they couldn't be seen by anyone else. "Damn... how can you be this good, Ken-chan!"

"You're the one who's good."

Hikari blushed a deep shade of red as she followed the movements of their naked Evas on the displays. She tilted her head. "Oh my, Touji never managed that."

* * *

"Are you in here, Shinji?" Asuka said as she poked her head into his room.

Shinji quickly pulled the blanket over his body. "Asuka! Um...

what are you doing here?"

"I came to try and convince you to start training for the finals with your friends and fiancee!" Asuka struck a sexy pose for him, which didn't exactly do anything to convince Shinji to concede to her wishes.

Shinji flinched. "I told you, I'm busy right now and can't do it!"

The corner of his mouth twitched.

"What's more important than winning the championships?"

Shinji scrunched his face up. "Um... lots of stuff."

"Like what?"

Shinji gasped. "Ah... well... oh... I'm not feeling well. Ya, that's it."

Asuka frowned. "You do look a little flushed." She sat down on the bed and heard a soft 'ouch'. "Where does it hurt?"

"Err... just a stomach ache."

Asuka rubbed his stomach. "My poor baby. Let me make you feel better." She leaned down to kiss Shinji, but he turned his head away.

"Now what's the matter?"

"I've told you many times; I don't love you, I'm not going to marry you, and I love Rei!" Shinji rolled his eyes and his eyelashes fluttered.

"Well, the tramp is not here!" The blanket covering Shinji suddenly rose up and knocked Asuka off the bed. Asuka rubbed her sore butt and glared at Shinji. "What did you do that for?"

Shinji smoothed out the blanket. "Err... charlie horse. Sorry."

"Awww... my poor baby." Asuka sat down on the bed again and whipped back the blanket to reveal his leg. "Let me rub that for you." She started to rub the slender leg.

"Ummmm... you don't have to do that!" Shinji's eyes crossed.

Asuka smiled and continued rubbing. "I can see you like it."

"No..." Shinji's voice rose a few octaves.

Asuka smirked as she continued rubbing and massaging the leg. "Wow, your leg is so smooth and slender. You don't shave your legs, do you?"

"No! What kind of question is that?! I... I... just don't have hairy legs, okay?"

Asuka shrugged. "Why don't you want to practice with us?!" Asuka ran her hand up Shinji's leg.

"I've got a lot on my mind right now."

Asuka could have sworn that smoke started pouring out of Shinji's ears. "Well, tell me."

"Can't this wait?"

"No! Tell me!"

Shinji stiffened. "Um... fine. Asuka, I can't marry you! I'm going to marry Rei!"

"Yeah... yeah... tell me that in three years after she gets out of the slammer!"

"I'm telling you now! I will marry Rei because I love her and she's carrying my child!" Shinji shuddered.

Asuka's face went blank and she stopped rubbing. "What?"

"You heard me, she's pregnant with my child and our parents have blessed our marriage!"

Asuka's face scrunched up. "You're lying!"

Shinji sat up on his elbows and looked Asuka straight in her eyes.

"No, I'm not. I'm sorry, Asuka, but no matter what you say or do, I'm not going to marry you. Ask my mom if you want to, she'll confirm it."

He waited for the outburst he expected to follow. I'll wonder if she'll just punch me or throw things at me? Maybe both. Asuka suddenly burst into tears. "You bastard! Why can't you love me?"

Shinji was momentarily surprised at Asuka's reaction. He saw a different part of her at that moment. A part that was hurt deeply by his actions. He felt his heart go out to the redhead, but knew that there was no turning back now. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't help me!" Asuka wiped her eyes. "I gave you my love and you spat it back in my face!"

"I'm sorry."

Asuka spun around and took a step towards the door. She paused and turned back around and pounded Shinji hard in his stomach. "You bastard!" Satisfied, she stormed out of the room.

Now that's the Asuka I know... he cringed when he heard the sounds of something breaking as Asuka stormed down the hall. "I'm sorry, Asuka." More crashing sounds followed. "I'm sorry." He paused to make sure she wasn't coming back and then flipped down his blanket. "Are y..." He paused as something very large was heard crashing to the floor.

"Are you okay?"

Rei rubbed her stomach. "Yeah... it was a small price to pay." She slid up Shinji's body and gave him a long kiss.

Shinji brushed Rei's hair out of her eyes. "You could have stopped when she came in."

Rei smiled. "It was like being a baby in a candy store, I couldn't resist your sweet taste." She winked and started to rub the part of Shinji she had just been attending to.

Shinji blushed. "Thanks..."

"I've got to admit though, Asuka does have a sensual touch." She wiggled her leg that Asuka had massaged.

"Really? Maybe I should marry her then?" Shinji smiled devilishly.

Rei rolled on top of Shinji and pressed her naked body against his.

"Oh no, you're all mine."

Shinji smiled and wrapped his arms around his fiancee. "I love you."

* * *

"Why?!" Asuka bellowed.

Yui lowered her head, unable to look the young girl in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Asuka. I can't force my son to marry you when he's so against it. And I would prefer it if my grandchild wasn't born out of wedlock."

"But the agreement between..."

Yui interrupted. "I already talked to your parents, Asuka. They didn't like it, but they understood. Shinji is free to marry whoever he chooses."

Asuka grinned and opened her mouth to speak.

Yui shook her head. "And if I know my son, that means Rei. I'm sorry."

"She's his sister! If I can't have him I'll make sure that the government finds out they are related and that'll end their marriage plans faster than a monkey can get a flea out of his ass!"

Yui sighed. "Asuka, why are you so determined to marry my son?"

"Cause I love the jackass!"

"Why?"

"Well, because... because... I'm not letting that bitch take him from me!"

"Asuka..."

"He's mine and always has been! The agreement..."

Yui took Asuka's trembling hands in her hands. "Asuka, you never knew about the agreement until a week ago. You're only using it now because you're trying desperately to hang onto something that you know you've lost."

Tears streamed down Asuka's face. "No.. no... Shinji loves me and not that tramp!"

Yui sighed and pulled Asuka into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, Asuka, that's just not true and you know it. It took me a while to see it and accept it. Maybe it's time you do too."

Asuka clenched her eyes shut tightly and felt her tears drip onto Yui's back. "Yes..." she whispered softly.

"Let it out, Asuka dear. Let it out." Yui clenched her eyes tightly. I hope we're doing the right thing. -E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: fatherhood n. Act of being a child's male parent.

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition:

fatherhood n. No matter what girl he's gotten pregnant, that Shinji will do a better job than my father did. Probably. I hope.

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition:

fatherhood n. Act of Shinji's life getting screwed up since he couldn't keep his dick out of all the wrong pussies (i.e. not mine).

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother: fatherhood n. Well, Rei, your father was very tall. And he glowed. And he incinerated Antarctica and caused worldwide global devastation. Well, some of the blame goes to Mr. Ikari and Seele for that. So I guess your father wasn't all that bad after all. Could be worse, at least I didn't have to sleep with him. I can only imagine how painful that would be. I mean, I saw pictures of IT and it was huge!

* * *

"So, we'll be getting married in a few months and Rei *WILL* be playing in the championships with us," Shinji informed Hikari, Kensuke, and Touji in the school yard a couple days later. He looked between Hikari, Kensuke, and Touji to see how they were taking the news. He squeezed Rei's hand to reassure her and received a contented smile from her in return.

Kensuke was impassive at hearing the news, since he had his own relationship problems to deal with.

Touji smirked. "Whatever. You are such a stud, Shinji. Having Big-Red and Rei here drooling all over you." He glanced at a female student who walked by just then. Dang, Mariko isn't wearing panties or a bra again today.

Shinji blushed. "Err.. yeah."

"And knocking your own sister up... damn, what a mess. You have to use condoms, man!" Touji reached into a pocket and tossed a large super-economy package of condoms at Shinji.

Shinji looked at the package and frowned. "Err... well, she's already pregnant."

A light bulb lit up in Touji's head. It flickered a bit before settling into its normal forty-watt capacity. "Oh... right. Well give them back then, I'll be needing them later." When he leaned forward to retrieve the box, he didn't notice the arrow that whizzed through the air where his head had just been.

Kensuke noticed Hikari shudder at the mention of Touji needing the condoms. He shuddered like that every time he thought about what Touji and Hikari did whenever they snuck off together. I'll have to ask Shinji what he did to get the nerve to finally break it off with Asuka.

Maybe I can use the same technique with Touji. So preoccupied with his thoughts, he missed seeing the arrow strike between his legs and bury itself in the ground.

Hikari was gnashing her teeth together trying not to kill Shinji for ditching her best friend. Only a short time previously, she might have condemned Shinji for jilting Asuka, but she found herself in a similar situation. "Shinji... how is Asuka taking this? I haven't talked to her for several days and she won't take my calls or come to the door."

Shinji sighed. "I really don't know for sure, but I know she's not happy about it. I haven't seen her since I told her."

"How did you tell her?" Kensuke asked, trying not to sound like he was doing research.

Hikari glanced at Kensuke, knowing exactly why he had asked that question.

Shinji glanced at Rei and blushed. "Err... well, I just told her directly and honestly. I think she talked to my mother about it too."

The arrow shot over Hikari's head when she looked down at her hands and whispered to herself. "Tell him directly and honestly, huh?"

Shinji looked at Hikari oddly. "Did you say something?"

Hikari blushed and waved her hands in front of her. "No... no, just mumbling."

Shinji suddenly got a bad feeling in his stomach as he looked between Hikari and Kensuke, who both looked very nervous, and Touji, who was happily counting his condoms. Hikari and Kensuke couldn't be... When the gang stood up and walked away, they failed to notice all the arrows that were embedded in the trees and ground all around the spot where they had been sitting.

Across the schoolyard a tall boy smacked another boy holding an empty bow. "Where the hell did you learn to shoot, you idiot?"

The boy threw the bow down in disgust. "Hey! It's my first time, okay? Hasamoto said to make it look like an accident and the archery club is practicing right now... hence a stray arrow hitting one of them wouldn't look suspicious."

The tall boy looked at the dozens of arrows embedded into the ground where the gang had been sitting and started laughing. "You'd better go take lessons then." He stopped laughing when the other boy shoved the last arrow up his ass.

Oh, that's gotta hurt!

* * *

A confession.

"Before we do this... I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Misato is pregnant and..."

"And?"

"There's a chance I could be the father." The sudden silence chilled him to the bones. He waited nervously until she finally found her voice.

"How... when... why..."

"She was drunk and..."

She stopped him. "No need to go on. It doesn't matter, but what will you do if it's yours?"

"Well, Misato and her boyfriend already have said they will raise the child no matter what, but if it's mine I... want to be there for it as it grows up."

"That doesn't mean some twisted three way marriage, does it?"

"No!" He frowned. "At least I don't think it will. I don't love Misato... I love you."

She blushed. "Call me crazy, but I feel the same way."

More silence.

"We have to tell Touji soon."

Even more silence.

* * *

Same confession, different players.

"I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Misato is pregnant and..."

"And?"

"There's a chance I could be the father." The sudden silence chilled him to the bones. He waited nervously until she finally found her voice.

"How... when... why..."

"She was drunk and I..."

She stopped him. "No need to go on, I get the picture. What are you going to do if it's yours?"

"Well, Mr. Kaji and Misato are going to get married and raise the child. Since he withdrew from the mayoral race, he doesn't have to worry about his public image anymore."

"What is he going to do now?"

"Misato got him a job as a janitor at school."

Rei gasped. "I thought that guy cleaning the toilet this morning looked familiar. So what about us? You don't want to have some sort of four-way marriage with them, do you."

Shinji studied the look on Rei's face for a few moments, unsure if she was repulsed by the idea or intrigued by it. "No... but I want to be around for it. My father took off on you and your mother... I won't do the same."

Rei nodded. "I understand." She cocked her head to the side.

"That's one of the reasons I love you." She took a deep breath. "Shinji, I have to tell you something."

"What?"

Rei looked down at her stomach and put a hand over it. "It's about my pregnancy."

Shinji's face went pale and his stomach started to sink into his gut as his worse fears seemed to be coming true. They'd been doing that a lot lately. "No... You don't mean that it's not mine? But... but..."

Rei shook her head. "That's not it. Shinji, I was upset when you never came to visit me and..."

"I'm sorry. First I had to get the money for the train and then...

some things delayed me."

Rei shook her head again. "That's okay, I understand now. What I need to tell you is that..."

Shinji leaned forward.

"I'm not really pregnant."

Shinji eyes went wide. His face showed a mixture of relief, annoyance, and sadness.

"I'm sorry. I was hoping to tell you as soon as I got out of jail, but it never seemed the right time." She paused and scolded herself internally. "No... that's not entirely true. I was afraid of how you'd react."

Shinji opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

* * *

"What a little liar!" Asuka snapped, looking at Rei.

Rei shrugged. "She was desperate and in love."

"You're just saying that because her lie screwed me out of getting Shinji!"

Rei nodded. "Mostly."

Asuka pulled back her fist and swung at Rei. She stopped herself before striking Rei, who didn't even flinch. "Why aren't you scared?"

"I know you won't hurt me."

Asuka was tempted to hit her again. "How can you be so sure?"

Rei tilted her head. "I think a part of you has felt the same feelings that led that Rei to lie."

Asuka ground her teeth. "No... she's just lying to get what she wants."

"As you were when you said you loved him."

"Well, that Asuka does love him!"

"Maybe, maybe not. But I was referring to you lying about that here in the theater."

Asuka started and looked at Rei. "I wasn't... err... I mean..."

"So you do love him?"

Asuka crossed her arms over her breasts. "Maybe. But he seems to be so hung up on his perfect world, that he's ignoring what's here for him."

"I didn't feel ignored when we went out on our date."

Asuka looked at Rei. "Huh?"

"We went out on a date to the other side of the theater." Rei pointed at the far end of the theater that had the freshly painted ceiling. "We painted the ceiling and then made out. It was a most...

stimulating evening."

Asuka's mouth twitched. The twitch flowed down her arm and into her fist.

Shinji rubbed his head after Asuka punched him. "What'cha do that for?!"

"You took Rei on a date and yet you won't even have sex with me!"

Shinji blinked a few times, trying to find the logic in Asuka's statement. "Huh?"

"Err... I mean... why won't you date me?!"

"You never asked."

"Huh?"

"Rei asked me to take her out, Rei asked me if I could love her, Rei asked me..."

"Shut up!"

"Asuka, I like you, but you never showed any interest in me that way."

"I don't!"

"See? You always deny it and always hit me or twist my penis for no reason. I'm sorry, but I'm going to see where my relationship with Rei leads me."

Asuka fumed. "Jerk." She spun around and stormed off to the corner of the theater. She took one look at the colorful ceiling and then spun around and stormed off to a different corner. "Jerk!" she repeated as she passed Shinji and Rei.

Shinji sighed and shook his head sadly. "Hey, Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to go make out?"

Rei smiled. "Yes, Shinji."

* * *

"You're not pregnant?"

Rei shook her head. "No. It was the only way I could think of to convince my mom to get me out of jail. After I found out about your engagement to Asuka, I needed to get out and find out what was going on."

"And then you used the baby to get her to agree to our marriage?"

"Actually... that was her idea. I never expected her to be as supportive as she has been."

"I'm surprised she took your word about being pregnant."

Rei scowled. "She didn't. I had to bribe the prison nurse to fake some positive test results before my mom would believe me." She looked sadly at Shinji. "Please don't hate me for not telling you sooner."

Shinji shook his head and wrapped his arms around Rei. "That's okay. I'm sorry my parents' lame engagement plan caused you such pain."

Tears dripped from Rei's eyes. "You're just too good. I don't deserve you."

"No, I don't deserve you." Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace and gave her a long kiss.

Rei was smiling when the kiss ended. "Now what do we do?"

Shinji smiled and took Rei's hand. "Now we get to work."

"Huh?"

"The only way our parents will let us get married is if you're pregnant, right?"

Rei nodded.

"So the sooner we get you pregnant the better, right?"

Rei smiled broadly and took his hand. The couple ran out of the park they had been talking in, not hearing the tree that fell and crushed the bench they had just been sitting on. Of course, if a tree falls in the park and no one is there to be flattened by it, did it really fall?

Of course it did, stupid!

"Shit! We almost got them!"

The tall boy shook his head sadly. "Let's go find one of the other ones and see if you can actually hit something."

"Yeah, okay. We'll use a whole building this time... I can't miss with that."

The tall boy looked back at the tree and then down at the axe in the other boy's hand. "I'm not so sure."

"Shut up!" He shoved the handle up the tall boy's ass.

Well, that must hurt too, but not as much as if he had used the sharpened edge.

* * *

A few days later, Rei hobbled into the Eva center with Shinji. They spotted Kensuke, Touji, and Hikari over in the Central Dogma staging area.

"Are you okay, Rei?" Kensuke asked when he noticed her hobble.

"Yeah, just a little tired." Rei glanced at Shinji briefly, causing him to blush.

"Damn, Shinji, you have to give her a break from sex every now and then!" Touji shouted, ignoring the crowd around them.

Hikari snapped. "You're one to talk! You get horny at the drop of an eyelash!"

"Well, you're just so sexy."

Hikari ground her teeth.

"Will you kids shut up!"

The five teenagers looked over to see Misato and Kaji walk up to them.

Misato glared at them all, giving Shinji and Kensuke an extra powerful glare. "I don't know why I came to help you little brats out."

Kaji squeezed her shoulder and then whispered to her. "Yes you do.

Asuka threatened to report you and since Shinji or Kensuke could be the father of your baby, we can't afford any attention from the authorities right now."

Misato glared at Kaji. "I know that, you jerk!"

Kaji looked suitably confused. "Then why did you... urk!"

Misato twisted her heel on top of Kaji's foot a few times to shut him up.

Touji looked around. "Where's Asuka? It's almost check-in time..."

Hikari glanced at Shinji and Rei. "Um... I'm not sure she's coming."

"I hope she wasn't hurt when that hotel collapsed near her place.

Hikari and me almost checked into it, but... ouch!" Touji shut up when Hikari bashed his head.

Hikari looked at Rei. "I'm sure she's fine, it's just that she said that she'd never play with..."

Rei looked sadly at the ground and completed the statement. "With me. I'm sorry, guys, I never meant for my problems to become yours."

Shinji squeezed her shoulder to reassure her.

Touji laughed. "Rei, don't sweat it. You're a better player than Asuka anyway."

"Arschloch! Asuka yelled as she rushed over and kicked Touji in the groin.

"Asuka!" everyone chorused as they recognized the redhead. Well, Touji just groaned.

"Asuka, I'm glad you came," Shinji said.

"Save it. I'm here for my friends." Asuka looked at Hikari, Kensuke, and Touji. Then she glared at Kaji and Misato. She completely avoided looking at Rei.

Hikari hugged Asuka and then looked at her team. "I was worried about you, girlfriend."

"I wasn't going to let the asshole's bitch keep me out of the championships that *I* deserve to be in."

Hikari nodded. "Well, that makes a full team of eight then."

"Seven."

Hikari frowned and looked at Asuka. "Huh? Didn't you come to play with us?"

Asuka nodded. "Yes, with my friends, the two old fogies, and the asshole there."

Hikari sighed. She's not going to acknowledge Rei's presence...

we'll never be able to work as a team.

Kensuke slapped his hands together. "All right, Dark Eva Knights are go!"

"Okay, what's the strategy?" Touji asked, looking at his teammates.

Everyone looked at someone else for guidance and then finally at Hikari, who always had a solution at times like this.

"Don't look at me," Hikari said, blushing. "I haven't had time to do any planning."

Everyone looked at Kensuke.

Kensuke cowered under the attention. "Um... I've had something on my mind. Sorry."

"Oh, this is fucking great! We're screwed!" Touji yelled.

"No, we're not. We split into two teams and deal with them in groups of two or three. No one goes it alone in there."

Everyone except Asuka looked at Rei as she started to describe the battle plan.

"Before I detail the plan, there's something I have for you all..."

* * *

"You idiots!" Hasamoto kicked the tall boy. "You morons!" He kicked the other boy. "You didn't even get one of them out of the game!"

The tall boy cowered back from Hasamoto. "We're sorry! They kept avoiding our traps somehow. If we didn't have to make it look like an accident, we could have taken them all out!"

Hasamoto spat on both of the boys. "Idiots! We can't bask in the glory of the win if it's a simple forfeit!" He kicked the boys again and then looked at the small boy wearing glasses by his side. "Makie, it's up to you to figure out some way to defeat them."

Sweat dripped of Makie's forehead as he opened his binder and started to examine the stats he had researched on the Dark Eva Knights.

"I'll see what I can do..."

Hasamoto kicked Makie hard. "No! Do or do not. There is no try!"

"Okay..." Makie replied, trying to remember where he had heard that threat before.

"Keep in mind if you DO NOT find a way for us to win, your sister will get a visit from me. Shame for her to lose her virginity when she's barely got hair on her pussy, but then that's what happens to people who disappoint me." He glared at the two boys he had been kicking earlier.

"They or their sisters get screwed. Personally, I'd enjoy tasting that sweet little sister of yours, so don't let me down."

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the finals for the Neon Genesis Evangelion Championships!" a young girl dressed in a lab coat announced from the raised pillar that towered above the Central Dogma staging area.

The crowd applauded and cheered.

The young announcer waved her hands to quiet the crowd. "And now, may I present to you, Commander Akagi, the creator of Neon Genesis Evangelion!" She stepped aside to reveal an older woman sitting behind a large desk. The audience applauded.

The woman's hands supported her chin and were positioned in a triangle, the tips of her fingers touching the tip of her nose. A pair of dark rectangular glasses helped her serious look appear very sinister. "Thank you." 'Commander' Akagi rose from the desk and looked down at the crowd. "It is my pleasure to present this year's finalists who will compete to save us from the Angels and prevent Third Impact!"

In the shadows, Shinji leaned over and spoke to Rei. "Rei, isn't that your grandmother?"

Rei nodded. "Yeah... Sorry I never mentioned it, but when I boasted about it down in Osaka-2 I got into a bad situation."

Shinji nodded his understanding and squeezed her shoulder.

"And on top of that, she's so embarrassing when she talks about Eva. As you can see-" She gestured to her grandmother, who was going on and on about how the Angels will destroy the world if left unchecked.

"-she takes the game and especially the championships very seriously."

"Your grandma created Eva? That is so cool!" Kensuke gushed. "How did she come up with the idea of using..."

Kensuke's question and the unasked questions of the others went unanswered after they were bathed in a bright light.

"I present to you the Dark Eva Knights!" Commander Akagi announced.

The crowd applauded and then went wild when they got a good look at the gang. Jaws dropped, drool dripped from lips, trees rose to the occasion, and bushes overflowed with the nectar of the gods. The sight that inspired these reactions from the crowd was Rei and the others all dressed in perfect replicas of the plug suits used in the advertising for the Eva centers. Truth be told, the skintight outfits worn by the models did not look anywhere as good as they did on the four female members of the Dark Eva Knights.

Marriage proposals, catcalls, and shouts of appreciation were directed at the female pilots from the boys and at least one girl in the assembled crowd.

Most of the girls were admiring the forms of the guys in their form fitting plug suits. Touji loved the attention that the plug suit directed to his bulge. Shinji and Kensuke were indifferent to their own suits, but recognized how good Rei and Hikari looked in their suits, which had the side effect of making their bulges more prominent. Kaji's bulge was barely noticeable.

The gang all waved their hands at the crowd and smiled as they had been instructed to before the night's events began.

Touji leaned over and whispered to Asuka. "They seem to like the outfits."

Asuka grinned and struck another in a series of sexy poses. "Of course they do! Who couldn't resist this body of mine in a skin tight outfit like this?"

"Shinji?" Touji regretted his answer the instant Asuka's fist impacted his face.

Shinji smiled and looked at Rei. "They really love the outfits the promoters gave us."

Rei chuckled and whispered back to him. "Actually, I arranged for them myself. I figured that Asuka wouldn't wear hers if she thought it was from me."

Shinji laughed and nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"And now-" Commander Akagi announced. "The reigning champions, the Rampaging Evas." She gestured to her other side and a spotlight illuminated the gang's competition. The seven boys and one girl were all dressed in black uniforms, making them look very sinister.

"No..." Rei shuddered and backed away. "No... that wasn't his team's name."

Shinji looked worriedly at Rei. "What's wrong, Rei?"

"The guy in front... that's Hasamoto."

Shinji trembled involuntarily at hearing the name. He looked back and met Hasamoto's cold stare. Shinji found himself surprised by Hasamoto's appearance. To hear Rei talk about him, he should have been a huge guy with pointy horns and fangs. Instead, he was of average height, average build, and sported a short mop of hair. Only the stern look on his face made him appear anything like Rei had described him.

Hasamoto grinned. "Is your team ready to lose, Rei?"

Rei cringed and stepped further back.

"Leave her alone, Kaworu!" Even as Shinji said the name, he had no idea why it seemed to fit Hasamoto.

* * *

The Shinji in the theater did though. "Kaworu," he gasped and collapsed to the floor. "No... no... he can't be there. He's dead. He can't be there."

Rei dropped to Shinji's side and placed a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. "It's okay, Shinji..."

"No it's not!" Shinji snapped, standing upright. "I never wanted to see him again! I want to forget the kind expression on his face when I crushed his body! I want to forget the sound of his head splashing into the water. I don't want him there or here to remind me!"

"Who's Kaworu?" Asuka asked.

Misato took Asuka's hand and pulled her away. "He was the Fifth Child."

Asuka frowned and whispered to Misato. "And Shinji killed him?"

"It's complic..."

Misato was interrupted by Shinji's shout. "Yes, I killed him! He was an Angel and I killed him! It was him or me. Eva One or Eva Two. He made a choice to die and I made my choice to live!"

"Too bad you couldn't have made a better choice for the rest of the world." Asuka looked around the theater. "I guess your own life is more important than everyone else. This Kaworu must not have meant much to you if you killed him so callously."

In one quick movement, Shinji jumped over and grabbed Asuka by her throat. "Don't you dare talk about him like that..." When he realized what he was doing, he gasped and released her neck. "I'm sorry..."

Asuka stared at Shinji for several heartbeats, unsure how to react to his attack. A part of her wanted to beat the crap out of him and a part of her wanted to run off and cry. The former won. "What the hell do you think you were doing?!"

"Asuka..." Shinji's apology was cut off when Asuka slapped him hard across his face. He dropped to his knees when she kicked him in his groin. "Gah..." Shinji bent over and supported his weight on his hands.

"What have I become?" He looked at his hands, as if he couldn't believe they were his. "I'm a murderer."

"Not if he was an Angel, you idiot!" Asuka wanted to kick him again, but Misato had rushed up behind her and pulled her back out of range. "Angels are bad, so we had to kill them!" Asuka insisted, trying to get out of Misato's grip.

"He wasn't! I mean... he was an Angel, but he was still good."

Shinji started clenching and unclenching his fists. "I know my father and everyone said that the Angels were bad, but Kaworu was kind and said he loved me."

Asuka opened her mouth to say something, but Misato clamped her hands over the girl's mouth before Asuka could make matters worse.

"Maybe that's why he's in your world," Misato suggested.

"Huh?"

"Hasamoto is a bad person, right?"

"Right."

"But you don't and have never thought of Kaworu as a bad person, right?"

Shinji nodded.

"So your guilt over killing a 'good person' manifested itself in your perfect world as Hasamoto. He looks like Kaworu and is clearly a bad person, so you can justify killing him."

"I don't want to kill anyone!"

Asuka broke free of Misato's restraining arms. "Then why didn't you stop Third Impact, dummkopf?!"

Shinji looked at his hands, which were tightly balled into fists.

The veins on his arms and neck could be seen throbbing. "I... tried. I failed."

"Yes, you failed and destroyed our world," Asuka said, glaring at Shinji. "YOU burned it all up."

"No..." Shinji shook his head. "No..." Shinji clenched his fists.

"No..." Shinji slammed the floor hard. "No!" Shinji pounded the floor again and again until the floor shattered, along with the theater around him.

* * *

"Leave her alone, Kaworu!" Shinji shouted.

Hasamoto looked over and glared at Shinji. "How did you know my real name, asshole?"

Shinji looked around him in confusion. "Wha... where am I?"

Rei stepped over and looked at Shinji, concern evident on her face.

"Are you okay, Shinji?"

Shinji looked at her. "Rei?" He then saw the others in their plug suits. "Huh? Where did you guys... oh no..." He dropped to his knees. He looked at his own body and saw he was wearing a plug suit. "Oh no..."

Touji came up to Shinji. "You okay, man?"

Shinji looked awkwardly at Touji, unconsciously looking at his friend's intact left arm and leg. "I don't think I'm in the theater any more, Touji."

* * *

Shinji shuddered and collapsed to the theater floor. He looked around and saw Rei, Asuka, and Misato standing over him looking very confused. They were also very naked. "Ack!" Shinji backpedaled away.

When he hit the wall, he stopped and breathed heavily.

Rei took a few cautious steps towards him. "What's wrong, Shinji?"

She leaned down over him, the nearness of her breasts causing him to breathe even heavier.

"Why are you all naked?" Shinji looked down at his body. "Why am *I* naked." He looked around the theater. "Where are we?!"

Asuka looked down at her naked body. "Yeah, why are we naked?"

Misato shrugged her shoulders. "Beats me. But is that important right now?"

Asuka smirked. "Only if we want to cover our butts."

Misato ignored Asuka and looked back at Shinji. "Are you alright, Shinji?"

"It's a dream... Hasamoto knocked me out and I'm dreaming. That's it."

"Kaworu didn't knock you out, Shinji," Rei said. "He's dead, remember?"

Shinji frowned at hearing the name. "I heard that name... no, I spoke that name before I appeared here." He looked around again.

"Wherever here is."

Rei knelt down next to Shinji and cradled his head in her bosom to comfort him.

Shinji relished the feeling of her breasts before realizing what must have happened. "Ah, I know! Hasamoto killed me and this is heaven."

He looked at the three naked girls. "And you three are Angels." He looked at Asuka. "Well, at least two of you."

"What was that?" Asuka rolled up a pair of imaginary sleeves and took a step towards Shinji, but Misato restrained her.

Rei looked at Shinji closely. "Who are you?"

Shinji's face fell. "Huh? I'm Shinji. Your fiancee and father of your child?" He winked at the end.

Rei gasped and looked over at the viewpoint, which normally would be frozen when Shinji was not in his trance. It wasn't. It showed the Eva center and Shinji was wrestling with Hasamoto. "Oh no... Shinji's crossed over to his perfect world." She looked down at the floor.

Asuka and Misato followed her gaze and gasped when they saw the story boards that depicted Shinji's perfect world. Instead of their normal paper appearance, they were now made out of stone. Set in stone as it was.

Misato looked between the stone storyboards and the viewpoint.

"He's now a part of that world and can't come back to us."

Rei jumped to her feet and ran into the viewpoint, hoping she could crossover. She just ran though it and appeared on the other side of it.

"No! He was supposed to take me with him!" She dropped to her knees and began to sob.

Shinji looked sadly at Rei and started to walk over to her before Asuka grabbed him.

"That means this is the other Shinji?" Asuka asked Misato.

Misato nodded.

"Wonderbar..." Asuka looked seductively at Shinji. "Hey Shinji, do you want to kiss me?"

"No!" Shinji pulled out of her grip and went over to Rei.

Asuka pouted. "Great, we finally get a new Shinji in here and he's as hung up on the clone as the last one."

* * *

In the Eva center Hasamoto was punching the living daylights out of Shinji. "Don't say that name!"

"Kaworu, please..." Shinji head recoiled under the force of a punch.

"I hate that stupid name!" Hasamoto said as he punched Shinji again.

"I'm sorry I killed you." Bang. "Don't do this to me." Bang. "You don't belong here..." Bang.

"Stop it, Hasamoto! You're killing him!" Rei pleaded and tried to stop his swing, but was savagely hit across her face and sent tumbling across the floor.

"Shut up, Rei!" Hasamoto spat and went back to beating up Shinji.

The girl on Hasamoto's team flinched at hearing the name. So that's Rei. Damn, I feel sorry for her. She idly fingered a bruise on her arm.

The rest of the two Eva teams were fighting as well. Touji had two boys already out of the fight and was pounding on a third, Kensuke wasn't having my luck with the boy he was fighting until Hikari bashed him over the head with a chair, and Kaji was pounding on a boy who had pinched Misato's ass during the confusion. Misato and Makie were the only two contestants not fighting and found themselves under a table to avoid the flying bodies.

"I hate this game," Misato mumbled.

"Tell me about it. I never wanted to be part of that creep's team,"

Makie said.

"Why are you then?"

"He said he'd do some bad things to my little sister."

"What an asshole."

"Yeah."

"Don't worry, I'll make sure that brat gets what he deserves."

"Thanks, for an old woman, you're not bad." Makie looked Misato over. "And stacked too."

It shouldn't need to be mentioned, but Makie ended up talking as a soprano for the following week.

Shinji was already bruised and battered when Hasamoto landed his latest punch. "Prick! You think you're a big man just because you're screwing the whore now?" He kicked Shinji in the stomach. "Rei is just a cheap plaything. Like any other plaything, you should use it and then discard it, asshole." He lifted his foot over Shinji's already bloodied face. "Or don't you think she can be replaced?"

"She can't..." Shinji muttered. "I love her."

"Love?" Hasamoto guffawed. "Love is for fools." His foot descended towards Shinji's face.

It never reached it. Hasamoto was hit over the back with a chair and went crashing to the ground.

The girl on Hasamoto's team dropped the legs of the broken chair and exhaled. "So I'm just a replacement Rei to you, am I?" She kicked him in his acorns and turned away. "People aren't playthings that you can discard and replace on a whim, you jerk!" After taking a couple of steps, she turned around to face him again. "And the name's Sawa, you bastard!"

Hasamoto reached out for her, but she was too far away. "Come back or I'll kill you!"

"Oh no you won't!" Shinji yelled before kicking Hasamoto savagely in his face. Hasamoto crashed to the ground with Shinji standing over him, a little unsteady on his feet.

"Stop this at once!" Mrs. Akagi shouted from her pedestal. "Take it out in the game!"

Shinji wiped the blood off his lip and glared at Hasamoto with hatred in his eyes. "This isn't a game. This is my life."

Hasamoto started to rise, but Shinji kicked him in his kneecap and he crashed back to the floor. Shinji had a haunted and crazed look on his face when he bent down and wrapped his hands around Hasamoto's neck.

"Die, Kaworu!" He squeezed his hands.

Various people cried out in shock and told him to stop, but Shinji was in a world of his own and blocked out the people in the world of his own making.

Rei saw what was happening. "Shinji, don't!" She ran over and grabbed Shinji's arm, trying to pull him off Hasamoto. "Shinji! You're not a killer!"

Rei's voice managed to get through Shinji's crazed mind. "Huh?" He looked around and saw the concern on her face and then looked down at his hands that were still wrapped around Hasamoto's neck. "What?" He released his hold on Hasamoto and let the unconscious boy fall to the ground. Shinji was locked in his own inner turmoil and didn't even notice that Hasamoto had started to breathe again. "No..." Shinji shook his head. "No..." Shinji clenched his fists. "No..." Shinji slammed the floor hard. "No!" Shinji pounded the floor again and again until the floor shattered, along with the Eva center around him.

* * *

Shinji was huddled in a corner of NERV headquarters with his hands pressed against his ears, trying to block out the noise of the alarms, the gunshots, and the explosions. The alarms had been going off since the invasion of NERV had begun, the gunshots and explosions had started shortly after. Shinji kept muttering "No... no... no..." over and over again.

Unseen by the huddled Shinji, a ghostly Shinji stood nearby and looked down at himself. "What? Where am I now?" He looked around the corridor and flinched backwards when several men stormed in and surrounded the huddled Shinji.

"Third Child confirmed. Eliminating," one of men reported to his superior over his headset. Then the man held a gun to Shinji's head.

"No!" The ghostly Shinji cried out, but was unheard over the gunshots that rang out. Not that anyone could hear him anyway.


	19. Third Impact Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:1 - Third Impact Blows!

* * *

Third Impact according to Shinji:

The end of the world and the end of humanity

* * *

Shinji was huddled in a corner of NERV headquarters with his hands pressed against his ears, trying to block out the noise of the alarms.

The alarms had been going off since the invasion of NERV had begun.

"No... no..." Shinji kept muttering over and over again.

Unseen by the huddled Shinji, a ghostly Shinji stood nearby and looked down at himself. "What? Where am I?" He looked around the corridor and flinched backwards when three men stormed in and surrounded the prone Shinji.

"Third Child confirmed. Eliminating," one of men reported to his superior. The man held a gun out to Shinji's head.

"No!" The ghostly Shinji cried out, but was unheard over the shots that rang out. Not that anyone could hear him anyway.

The shots fired were not from the gun pointed at Shinji's head, but from a gun held by Misato as she raced down the hallway.

Three men dropped lifelessly to the floor. Their brains hit the floor a half second later. Shinji's tossed cookies mixed with the brains a second after that. The ghostly Shinji's tossed ghost cookies followed, but didn't mix since they weren't really there.

"Come on, Shinji, time to go," Misato said, holding out her hand.

"No... no..." the prone Shinji muttered, wiping the green chunks that had been his last meal off his face.

"What is this? It's not the world I made..." Shinji trailed off as he recalled when this event had occurred and the events that had followed. "I don't want to relive this..."

"Snap out of it, Shinji!" Misato yelled and slapped the prone Shinji hard. Even the ghostly Shinji recoiled at the savage blow. "Now, let's get you to Unit One."

"Why? There is only pain if I enter Unit One. I'm better off dying," the prone Shinji muttered, holding the bruised cheek that Misato had hit.

Misato bent down and gave the prone Shinji a deep kiss. "That's why. There are some things worth fighting for, even if things don't always go your way. Life sucks, but it's better than death."

"Are you sure?" Shinji muttered, without looking up.

"Yes," both Misato and the ghostly Shinji said at the same time.

Unfortunately, both of them were lying through their teeth.

Shinji finally looked Misato in the eyes. After several seconds, Misato's eyes widened suddenly.

The sound of the gunshot was still ringing in Shinji's ears when Misato dropped into his arms. Shinji gasped as a warm sensation flowed over his hand. He pulled his left hand from under her and saw that it was covered in blood.

Shinji looked up at the sound of footsteps and saw a man walking cautiously up to them, scanning the area for other targets. The gun in his hand was pointed right between Shinji's eyes, as shown by the red dot that jiggled on Shinji's forehead.

Shinji looked down when he felt a gun pressed into his right hand by Misato, her body hiding the gun from the man's view. Shinji looked at Misato and his eyes spoke a question.

"Do it..." She said softly.

The ghostly Shinji tried to tackle the man, but passed through him.

He looked over at his other self. "Do it!"

"Third Child confirmed. Eliminating," the man reported into his headset and then squeezed the trigger.

Two shots rang out. The first shot hit the man in the forehead, causing his head to explode and send bits of skull and flesh across the small hallway. The other shot whizzed past Shinji's ear and hit the wall behind him.

Shinji looked at the gun and dropped it when he realized what he had done. To kill with Eva's hands was bad enough, but now he had used his own. Trying to ignore the man's brain that had landed on a light fixture right in front of him, Shinji rolled Misato over onto her back and looked for the wound.

"Get to Unit One, Shinji. It's the only place you'll be safe,"

Misato said, without opening her eyes.

Shinji had pulled her shirt up to expose the wound and was trying to stop the bleeding with a handkerchief. "No... No... I won't run away!"

"It's not running away... you just have a choice to make."

"Choice?" both of the Shinji's gasped.

"You can choose to die or you can choose to live."

"What about you?"

"I made my choice."

"Huh?"

"I chose for you to live. Now go!" Misato pushed him away from her and Shinji backpedaled across the wide hallway and crashed into the opposite wall.

A sad look came over the faces of both Shinjis. The ghostly Shinji could only look on horrified as he relived the events of Third Impact.

"A choice..." Shinji said, looking over at the bloody woman lying against the bloody wall. Then he looked down at his bloody hand.

The ghostly Shinji clenched his fist. "Come on... don't run away like I did! Deep down you know what you have to do, you bloody asshole!"

Shinji blinked. For a second he had thought he saw himself standing a couple meters away. He shook his head and made his first choice.

* * *

Later, Shinji crawled into the entry plug of Unit One. After taking a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead, he reached out the open hatch and pulled Misato inside with him. He quickly sealed the hatch and took some deep breaths to overcome his exhaustion. Dragging Misato all the way from where she had been shot had turned out to be more of a chore than he had imagined when he made his choice.

"Nice choice," the ghostly Shinji said, hovering in front of the control chair. "Wish I could have made it."

"Whether or not it's the right choice is another matter."

The ghostly Shinji spun around and saw his mother hovering behind him, dressed in a flowing white robe. "Mother?"

Yui smiled sweetly and caressed his cheek. "Yes, Shinji, Mother is here for you."

"What's going on?"

"You're just recalling Third Impact, which your mind had repressed."

"Am I? I didn't make that choice." He pointed at Misato. "This has to be an illusion of something."

"Life is a illusion."

"Huh?"

"Just watch and learn from your mistakes."

"Mistakes? How could saving Misato be a mistake?"

"Just watch." Yui gestured to the other Shinji.

Shinji started to undo Misato's shirt to treat her wound, but stopped as an odd feeling came over him. He looked around, wondering if he was being watched. Not seeing the ghostly Shinji or Yui floating in front of him, he opened her shirt. He gulped and sniffled as a trickle of blood appeared from his nose. Trying to ignore the large breasts spread out before him, he started to bind the large wound with his own shirt.

"She really should wear clean underwear..." Shinji's mom bent down and looked between Misato's legs. "Well, any underwear. You never know when you're going to be in an accident, after all," she remarked in a very motherly tone. She glanced at the ghostly Shinji, who suddenly became very nervous about his own nakedness.

"Damn, it went all the way though," Shinji muttered as he reached under her body and realized the wound on her front must be the exit wound. He rolled her over and tried to bind the entry wound on her back as best he could. His nose exploded when he felt her breast touch his other hand. In his embarrassment, he dropped her.

Misato grunted and opened her eyes. "Shinji?"

"Sorry, I was trying to treat your wounds."

"It's okay between adults, Shinji." Misato said softly and pulled his hand on top of her breast.

Shinji tried to pull away, but his mighty oak seemed to be fighting with his brain for control of his body at that moment. And winning.

"You really have to masturbate more often, Shinji."

The ghostly Shinji's jaw dropped open at the unexpected comment from his mother. "Wha..."

Yui looked lovingly at Shinji. "It would help you control these urges. First in the hospital with that poor Asuka and now here with that old woman."

The ghostly Shinji almost expected Misato to hit his mother for that comment, but of course, she couldn't hear either of them.

Yui touched the ghostly Shinji's cheek. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. If I hadn't been so dedicated to the project maybe I could have kept you from becoming such a pervert."

"Mom!" Shinji looked awkwardly away from his mother only to see himself fondling Misato's breast. "Shinji!"

Misato smiled and looked at Shinji's eyes. "Kiss me."

Shinji gulped and removed his hand from her breast. "Huh?"

"It's what an adult who is fondling a woman's breast does." Misato winked. "It's only common curtsey."

"Um... well..."

Misato reached a frail hand up and pulled Shinji down onto her lips. She kissed him hard, slipping her tongue between his lips.

Shinji cringed at the sudden sensation of the tongue in his mouth.

This isn't how Asuka kissed me. He found himself getting into the kiss right about the time that Misato pushed him away. A wave of disappointment washed over him.

"That's an adult kiss."

Shinji nodded dumbly.

"Now you have to do what an adult would do in this situation."

Shinji trembled and looked down at her exposed breasts and beyond.

"But... but..."

Misato reached up and pushed Shinji roughly back into his pilot's seat. Then she threw a series of controls on the control panel attached to the side of the seat.

Shinji looked around confused as the entry plug filled with LCL. As he'd done many times before, he adjusted to the odd sensation of breathing a liquid as the displays and controls came to life. "Huh? What are you doing?!"

Misato hesitated before answering, unused to the feeling of the LCL. "An... an adult has to fight for what he believes in."

Shinji shook his head. "No! I won't fight anymore!"

"Then you're just a little boy, crying for your mommy or running away when things get rough."

The ghostly Shinji looked awkwardly at his mother.

Shinji clenched his fist. "I'm not running away!"

"Then get out there and help Asuka stop Third Impact!" Misato shouted, pulling her shirt closed over her naked bosom. "Save the world, and we can do even more adult stuff." She winked seductively.

A determined look came over Shinji's face. "I will!" He grabbed the controls and began the startup sequence.

Yui shook her head sadly. "How sad, the only way to get my son to do anything is to offer him sex." She sighed. "Your father was the same way whenever I needed the garbage taken out."

The ghostly Shinji's jaw dropped.

* * *

Unit One climbed the large girders towards the surface of geo-front. Its hand wrapped around the last girder and then used it to pull its body up the launch shaft, only to have the girder bend and crack.

Shinji groped frantically for any thing to grab. He might have enjoyed it, but his brief grabbing of Misato's breast during his groping to a handhold in the shaft wasn't going to save their lives.

"Careful on that last girder... they didn't finish the repair on the launch shaft before we were attacked."

"Now you tell me!" Shinji yelled as he finally managed to halt his descent by grabbing a stable girder.

"Sorry. The weapons bunker should be right next to the shaft."

Misato coughed, spitting up some dark-red blood. The small gloobs of blood drifted away with the slight current the life support systems used to clean the LCL.

Shinji followed the globs with his eyes and wondered what dark-red blood meant. Should have paid attention in that first-aid course they made me take, I guess. He glanced at his battery power. "I hope you're right..."

"I am. Last time I talked to Central Dogma, they said they had all the bunkers locked down and secured so no one can get into them except us."

Shinji frowned. "Unless they blow them up."

"You have to learn to be less fatalistic, Shinji."

* * *

Unit One climbed onto the surface and turned around looking for the nearest weapons bunker. All it saw was a smoking crater with some sort of white Eva unit lying in it. Well, pieces of a white Eva.

Shinji looked at Misato. "You were saying?"

Misato smiled apologetically.

"What is that white thing? It looks like a Eva unit."

Misato grimaced as she rose enough to see the displays. "Damn...

that's one of the Eva production series. Be careful, where there's one there could be dozens more waiting in the shadows."

Shinji scanned the area. "What the hell can I do against dozens of them!"

"Well, maybe Asuka's taken some of them out already. Look for an undamaged bunker first and then we'll find Asuka."

Shinji nodded, took a deep breath, and checked his tactical map.

"There's a bunker to the south."

As Unit One lumbered across the battlefield, Shinji saw other signs of a battle. Not the least of was the large gaping hole in the geo-front's normally solid ceiling. The purple Eva reached a small, undamaged bunker that housed various weapons for the Evas. He opened the access hatch and pulled out a rifle. He scanned for movement visually and then checked his tactical map. He frowned and tapped his control pad a few times. "My map's not updating."

"They must have taken out Central Dogma." Misato coughed. "Just find Asuka before it's too late."

"Yeah! Hurry, you dope!" the ghostly Shinji shouted. "She's over to your left!"

"Calm down, Shinji, you can't change anything, this is only a memory for you," Yui said calmly.

"Then why am I here?! I know how it ends!"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do! I couldn't stop Third..." The ghostly Shinji was interrupted by his own long drawn out scream.

Shinji screamed as he stared wide eyed at some white Eva units.

They were picking apart Unit Two like a pack of vultures picking apart a corpse in the desert. Blood-red entrails were yanked from Unit Two's carcass as the Eva series gorged on their kill.

"Asuka!" The ghostly Shinji jumped at the controls, but his hands went through them. "Dammit, What are you waiting for, asshole! Go save her before it's too late!"

"That's yourself you're talking to, Shinji," Yui calmly stated.

The ghostly Shinji flinched and looked back at his mother. "Oh yeah..."

* * *

Unit One landed on the head of one of the white Eva series and crushed it into a bloody pulp. The purple Eva swung around and fired round after round from the assault riffle in its hands. All around the remains of Unit Two, the white Eva series swarmed, trying to avoid Shinji's blasts. They were unsuccessful. Large explosions rocked the earth that Unit One stood on, but they did not stop Shinji from blazing away.

Flashes from the gun's muzzle lit up Shinji's face as he leaned forward and shot at the Eva series that had been ripping apart Unit Two.

"Take that, and that, and that!"

"Shinji..." Misato muttered, but was unheard.

"Die... die... die..."

"Shinji," Yui said softly.

The assault rifle started clicking loudly as its ammunition clip finally emptied, but Shinji kept firing regardless. "Die... die...

die..."

The ghostly Shinji looked at his mother. "Stop him!" His eye pleaded with her.

"I can't, this is just your memory that you are reliving."

"Then get me out of here! I don't need to remember what came next, I know what happened!"

"What came next?"

"I... I found.. I found her remains," Shinji said softly, averting his eyes from the displays.

* * *

Unit One had finally dropped the spent rifle onto the ground near the white pieces that were once the Eva series and was hesitantly digging through the bloody remains of Unit Two. Its search was rewarded when it pulled the twisted, blood-covered, entry plug out of what was left of Unit Two.

"Don't open it... don't open it..." The ghostly Shinji held his head in his hands and trembled. "It's just going to be like Touji all over again if you do..."

Shinji positioned the entry plug next to his Eva's head and then ejected his entry plug. "I'm coming, Asuka..." he muttered to himself as he crawled out the hatch. Please be okay... not like Touji. I can't handle that again.

"No... no..."

Yui held out a hand to Shinji. "Come along, Shinji."

"No! I don't want to see that again!"

Yui grabbed Shinji's arm and pulled him forcefully through the side of the entry plug. She floated over next to Unit Two's mangled entry plug with Shinji in tow.

"No! Don't make me see that again!"

"Face it like a man!" Yui screamed and slapped Shinji hard.

The ghostly Shinji had tears in his eyes when he looked up at his mother. "No! I faced it like a man and that's what happened!" He didn't look, but pointed at the other Shinji, who was pulling a red plug-suited figure out of the mangled entry plug.

"Asuka?"

The ghostly Shinji pressed his hands over his ears. "No...

don't..."

"Asuka?"

"Don't say it..."

"Please, Asuka."

"You'll regret it..."

"Asuka, please don't die, I love you."

The ghostly Shinji cringed and clenched his eyes shut tighter.

"No..." He shook his head. "Don't admit it like that... not to her corpse."

"Shinji? I... I love you too..."

The ghostly Shinji's eyes snapped open to reveal himself cradling Asuka in his arms. "Whaaaa... no... she was dead. Her body was mangled and torn apart." He looked at his hands that had held her bloody head in them. "I was so sure..." He staggered backwards and bumped against Unit One's entry plug, a remarkable movement considering he was already floating in mid air.

Shinji stroked Asuka's sweat caked hair. "Come on... we've got to stop Third Impact."

"I tried... but I couldn't do it."

Shinji smiled. "You did good."

"You idiot! How can I have done good if my Eva is in pieces?!"

"You survived."

Asuka smiled weakly. "You sentimental jerk."

Shinji picked up Asuka and carried her back towards his entry plug.

Yui was holding the other Shinji in her arms to comfort him.

"Shhhhhh..."

"Whose head was it then?" The ghostly Shinji's eyes snapped open.

"Kaworu!"

* * *

Shinji lowered Asuka onto the opposite side of the pilot's chair from Misato.

"Getting a bit crowded in here, isn't it?" Asuka remarked, grimacing slightly from a bruise on her side. She shifted slightly to find a better position.

Shinji settled into the pilot's seat and then paused before activating the systems. Was that a scream from outside? He shook he head to clear it. I must have been imagining it. He hit the controls to pull the entry plug back into Unit One and then looked at Misato as the entry plug refilled with LCL. "Now what?"

Misato shook her head. "That's up to you."

"Well, I'm going to stop Third Impact."

"Shinji, about what you said outside..." Asuka looked at Shinji.

Shinji avoided her gaze and checked his controls. "Um... time to go save the world."

"Dummkopf," Asuka said with a smile on her face.

* * *

The ghostly Shinji hovered by his mother and watched Unit One lumber away. If Misato and Asuka really survived, then maybe... He spoke the rest of his thought out loud. "I hope he somehow manages to stop Third Impact."

"Why?"

The ghostly Shinji frowned at the unexpected question and looked at his mother. "Why? Because... because..."

"You don't know, do you?"

Shinji cringed. "No... but it killed everyone! That has to be bad!"

"Maybe, maybe not."

Shinji couldn't believe he was hearing his mother so causally dismiss the deaths of three billion plus people so casually. "How could that be good?!"

"Shinji, what do you think your father and I have been doing?"

"Fighting the Angels so we can prevent Third Impact."

"No. We were working to prevent others from triggering it before we could."

The ghostly Shinji went even paler. "Wha... what? You want to destroy the world?"

"No, but Third Impact can't be avoided, only delayed."

"Why?"

"That's the conclusion I came to during my research into the Human Genome. Programmed into our genetic code is the information on Third Impact. How to trigger it and how to stop it. But even if we stop it now, sooner or later something will trigger it. As long as humans exist, the triggers for Third Impact exist. They are one and the same.

Evolution will eventually spark Third Impact given enough time."

Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You... you're saying that humans are the trigger for Third Impact?"

"Of course. Even the Angels had human souls, they were just failed attempts at creating humans after all."

"I can't believe this..." Shinji shook his head. "The Evas don't..."

"The Eva's have their pilot's souls-" Yui tapped Shinji's forehead.

"-and their own." She tapped her own forehead. "Synchronized souls are the most powerful force in the universe. So there was no way for Third Impact to be permanently avoided as long as humans existed. Realizing this, your father and I set about planning for this." She gestured at Unit One.

Shinji shook his head. "No... no... no! Then what's the point of all this fighting and death for if not to save the world?!"

Yui cupped Shinji's cheek in her hand. "Control."

"Huh?"

"Whoever controls Third Impact can shape the next phase of humanity, for better or worse. It all depends on who has that control.

If no one has control, then Humanity ends."

The ghostly Shinji gasped and dropped to his knees, which again looked very odd since he was still floating in mid-air. "The theater..."

"Yes."

Shinji looked at his hands. "I don't want that power."

"Too late, you have it." Yui looked around, as if to make sure they weren't being overheard. It was kind of a pointless precaution in their current ghostly state. "To tell you the truth, I was a little worried after I was absorbed into Unit One that your father might end up with the power instead of you as I always planned."

"Huh? Is that why you helped me survive all those times?"

"Yes. Shinji, you may not believe this, but your father is a little nuts and just a tad power hungry."

Shinji stared blankly at his mother. "Oh, like that's a big secret."

Yui frowned. "You knew?"

"Of course I knew! He's a jerk, an asshole, a murderer, and he's sleeping with Ritsuko too!"

Yui's eye twitched. "What?"

Shinji gulped. "Um... that's just a rumor. I'm sure he wouldn't really sleep with her or her mother."

"Naoko too? That... that... jackass! If he wasn't dead already, I'd kill the bastard!" Suddenly, a thought occurred to Yui. "Oh! You're talking about that last world you made."

Shinji fidgeted. "Um... yeah, that's the ticket!" He smiled as he realized he had squirmed out of that bad situation.

"I really need to talk to you about that. Honestly, I'm nothing like that and all that sex. It's just not healthy for a young boy like you."

Shinji sighed heavily.

* * *

The Lance of Longinus stopped right before penetrating the purple armor protecting Unit One's neck. Its hands reached out and gripped the long, smooth shaft. In one quick movement, it ducked down to avoid the replica lance wielded by an Eva series, spun around, and sliced through its white flesh. A second upward thrust with the Lance of Longinus sliced through the S2 engine of the Eva series.

Unit One jumped over the remains and sprinted for its life.

"Come on... come on..." Shinji muttered as he tried to get Unit One out of range. He smiled when the S2 engine exploded and only got a small amount of debris dropped on him. "Got it!"

Asuka crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, no one ever told *ME* to go for their S2 engines!"

Misato smiled weakly. "Sorry, I was busy getting shot."

"That's no excuse! If I had known that they could regenerate unless their S2 engines were destroyed, I could have taken them all out myself!"

"Where's the next one?" Shinji asked, trying to break up the argument.

Asuka shut her mouth long enough to check the display that was positioned near where she sat. "Um... north by northwest, two clicks."

Shinji pivoted Unit One around and ran at the Eva series. He held the Lance of in front of him, as if to impale his enemy like a knight on a noble steed.

"Careful, there's another target to the west, one click and closing," Misato commented.

"Yeah, I see it." Shinji continued running head first towards the white Eva.

"Don't attack straight in, Dummkopf!"

"Shinji, I really think that..."

Misato's suggestion stopped mid-sentence when Shinji rammed the Lance into the ground and used it to vault over the Eva series.

Letting go of the Lance and leaving it embedded in the ground, Unit One landed right behind the Eva series and kicked the white Eva in the back. The Eva series crashed forward onto the vertical Lance and was cut neatly in two.

"Dummkopf! You didn't hit his S2 engine!"

Shinji grinned. "Not a problem."

Unit One leapt forward and picked up the Lance and held it horizontally in front of him. The second Eva series ran straight into the end of the Lance. The dual prongs sliced through its S2 engine.

Unit One quickly withdrew the Lance and took off running. It was thrown forward several hundred meters when the S2 engine blew, taking both Eva series with it.

Shinji smirked and looked at Asuka. "You were saying?"

"Oh, shut up!"

Shinji smirked more.

Shinji stopped smirking when an Eva series swooped down from above and sliced his hand off. The hand that held the Lance of Longinus.

As the Lance of Longinus clattered to the ground, Shinji screamed as one of the faux-lances was driven into the chest of Unit One. He clutched his chest as the Eva series twisted the faux-lance.

"Shinji!" Asuka lunged for the controls, but she was too late.

The other remaining Eva series had quickly swarmed into the area and thrust their faux-lances into Unit One's limbs. Two in its feet and two in its hands-well, hand and wrist. The faux-lances pulled the crucified Unit One into the air.

One of the Eva series picked up the real Lance of Longinus and flew into the sky after Unit One. The others followed slightly behind it.

Shinji and Asuka struggled with the controls, but weren't able to move Unit One at all.

"Come on... come on... co..." Shinji suddenly convulsed and screamed in torment as the Lance of Longinus was thrust into his chest.

Outside, the ghostly Shinji and his mother looked on as Eva Unit One was wrapped in a cocoon that vaguely resembled a cross.

"Failed again," Shinji muttered, glancing at the Eva series as they started to take up positions around the cocooned Unit One.

"One boy's failure is the world's salvation."

Shinji looked at his mother. "You're convinced this is a good thing, aren't you?"

"I have faith that you will make the right choices."

Shinji sighed and watched a huge figure that looked like Rei rise from the surface of the Earth where Tokyo-3 used to stand. "Here's where he gets his chubby when he sees Rei." He looked down and covered himself quickly when he realized he was responding the same way himself to the huge naked Rei that was spreading her arms and legs in front of the cocooned Unit One.

"Shinji! That is no way for my son to talk," Yui scolded her son, ignoring the erection he was unsuccessfully trying to hide.

"Sorry..." Shinji muttered. "It's just that I got all hot and bothered when Rei showed up for some reason."

Yui cupped Shinji's head. "Don't be embarrassed by your feelings, although you could try to control your hormones." She glanced at Shinji's groin.

Shinji's blush deepened, which fortunately required the blood from his nether regions to flow up to his face and allow his oak tree to fall back to its forest.

"Shinji, that's a normal reaction to have when you are sexually attracted to someone. Don't be embarrassed."

Shinji shrugged and avoided looking at his mother.

"Shinji, I think we should have a little talk about sex."

Shinji flinched. "Now?"

"Yes, why not?" Yui said, ignoring the huge explosion that ripped Japan apart as the geo-front was pushed into space.

"Third Impact is happening here!" Shinji gestured at Rei, who was cupping her hands around the round egg that was once the geo-front.

Yui looked over at events as they unfolded. "We still have time before anything interesting happens."

Shinji looked down at the Earth that they floated over and saw a black shock wave spread out and burn away everything on the surface.

Small glowing crosses sprung from the ashes as a cheerful tune assailed his ears. "If you say so." He frowned as the cheerful song that heralded the end of the Human race as he knew it increased in intensity. "Hey...

do you hear that song too?"

Yui frowned. "What song?"

"Never mind..." Shinji mumbled as the world exploded around him.

Yui sat back and sat down on a cloud. "Now, Shinji, when a man and a woman are attracted to each other..."

Shinji sighed and tuned out his mother's ramblings. Like he was going to take relationship advice from someone who would marry his father.

* * *

The cocooned Unit One was absorbed into the forehead of the giant Rei. Her white flesh suddenly bubbled and turned to wood. Leaves sprouted from her arms and head to form the tree of life. An oak tree in this case.

The tree's roots dug into the blacked Earth and spread out over the entire surface. Small green sprouts popped from the renewed soil and the dead sea slowly became blue-green as life returned to it.

Yui put her arm around her son as they watched the world grow green. "See, the world has been renewed."

The ghostly Shinji looked around. "I didn't know..." He frowned suddenly. "Where are the people?"

Yui took Shinji's hand. "That's what you are here for." She started walking across the sky, pulling a confused Shinji with her.

As the plant and animal life returned to the Earth, the mother and son walked into the heavens and slowly faded away.

* * *

Third Impact according to Shinji:

The beginning of the world?


	20. The Theater Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:2 - The Theater Blows!

* * *

The theater according to Shinji:

A prison with no escape

* * *

In the beginning...

Shinji awoke to find himself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling.

"Huh?" He looked to the left and right and saw wooded walls and floors.

"It... it looks like a theater."

"Shinji?"

Shinji looked at the source of the voice and gasped when he saw Rei sitting on top of his lap. "Rei!" A part of his mind wondered why she was naked, but for some reason it didn't occur to him to mention it.

"How are you feeling, Shinji?" Rei asked, tilting her head.

"Confused..."

Rei smiled slightly. "Oh, so you're normal then?"

"Yeah..." Shinji frowned as he realized that he might have just insulted himself, but couldn't quite put his finger on how. "Where are we?"

"We are here."

"Where's here?"

Rei cocked her head and thought for a few moments. "I don't have the words."

Shinji looked around and realized he didn't really have the words to describe it either. "Yeah... I don't either. Um... can you get off me so we can look around?"

Rei frowned. "I guess." She slowly lifted herself from Shinji's naked lap.

Shinji gasped when he saw a naked redhead sitting on his legs right behind where Rei had been sitting. "Asuka!"

"Where the hell are we, you jerk?" Asuka glared at Shinji.

"I don't know..." Shinji said. He waited for her to get off his legs for a few seconds before clearing his throat. "Um... can you get up?"

Asuka smirked and tweaked his mighty oak. "Why?"

Shinji's mighty oak started to become mightier. "I want to find out where we are."

"Well, I'd rather play with this." Asuka grinned and started playing with her new toy like a cat with a cornered mouse.

"Get off Shinji already!"

Asuka found herself violently pushed off Shinji's legs.

Shinji blinked loudly twice. "Misato?" He gasped the name of the naked woman who sat on his lower legs. No wonder my legs feel so numb. "Yes?"

"Why are we all here?"

Misato shrugged, causing her breasts to bounce. "Beats me."

Shinji sighed. "Let's look around."

Misato nodded and stood up, holding out a hand to help Shinji off the floor.

Shinji scanned the area. "It looks like a theater of some sort."

Misato nodded turned completely around. "Yeah, but where's the audience?"

Asuka looked around and peered into the dark shadows. "I don't know, but if there is anyone watching us, I'll beat them up for daring to look at my perfect naked body!" She glared directly at the reader.

"That means you!"

"Why aren't you concerned about us seeing you naked?" Rei asked quietly, striking a pose for the reader.

Asuka frowned. "I don't know." She looked between the other naked people in the theater and shrugged. "Doesn't seem to bother me."

The four of them searched for what might have been hours, but since they couldn't seem to sense the passage of time they had no idea how long it took them.

Asuka stood with her legs crossed and sighed. "Four walls, no doors, no bathroom-" She crossed her legs tighter. "-and no way out."

"What the hell are we here for!" Shinji screamed.

No one had an answer.

* * *

Shinji awoke the next morning-or whatever time it was-alone. He looked around the empty theater and frowned. "Where did everyone go?"

"Behind you, dumbkopf!"

Shinji turned around and say Asuka standing behind him, still naked. "Where did you come from?" He looked around. I'm sure she wasn't there a second ago.

"I was here all along, idiot."

Shinji frowned. "If you say so."

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Hey, Shinji?"

"What?"

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"What! After last time?! No thanks..."

Asuka huffed. "Come on... it's boring in this place."

"No! Besides what if..." Shinji looked around. "Where are Rei and Misato anyway?"

Asuka fumed. "Who cares?!"

"I do," Shinji said. "We still don't know what this place is yet, so I think we should stay together."

Asuka smiled and slid against Shinji's body. "Okay."

"Stop that, Asuka!"

The two teenagers turned to see Rei and Misato walking up to them.

Shinji stepped backwards away from Asuka. "Hi... um... where were you two?"

Rei and Misato shrugged their shoulders.

Shinji sighed as their breasts bounced in front of him.

* * *

Shinji walked into a corner. "Twelve!" he yelled as he wrote '12'

on the corner with a piece of chalk he had found... somewhere.

He sighed and continued walking along the wall again until he came to another corner. "Thirteen!" He marked the corner and then continued walking. His eyes went wide when he saw Rei standing patiently at the next corner. "Rei!"

Rei looked up from her index finger, which she had just been examining closely. "Oh, Shinji."

"I guess th... what are you doing?"

Rei held up her finger. "I was examining this green thing that came out of my nose. It is most fascinating."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "That's a booger!"

"Boo... ger." Rei rolled the word around her mouth while she rolled the booger between her fingers. "What is it for?"

"Um... I don't know."

"It must have a use..."

Shinji tried to remember what he had heard in booger... err...

biology class. "Well, I guess it's the result of nose hairs cleaning the air and sometimes caused when you have a cold."

"Cold?"

Shinji smiled at Rei's lack of common knowledge. "It's a common ailment among humans."

"Ah..." Rei nodded and then put the booger in her mouth and swallowed it.

"Ack!"

Rei looked quizzically at Shinji. "What's wrong?"

"Um... you're not supposed to eat them!"

"Oh, but I saw you doing it earlier."

Shinji flinched and looked away awkwardly. "Umm... err..."

He was saved when Misato called out a question. "Shinji, what corner are you up to?"

"Oops... I forgot what I was doing." Shinji turned towards the center of the theater where Misato and Asuka were standing. "I'm back at number one where Rei is. So there are thirteen corners in here..." He looked around the visibly square theater. "Somehow."

"That's impossible!" Asuka shouted as Shinji and Rei walked towards her.

Shinji shrugged. "Yeah... but that's the count we came up with.

Thirteen."

Misato shook her head. "From here in the center it just looked like you went around the theater in circles and somehow never caught up to Rei, despite the fact that she never moved."

Shinji and Rei walked towards the center. When they reached it, Shinji asked a question. "So what does that mean?"

"That this is one seriously fucked up place!"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Thanks, but I was hoping for a more technical explanation." He looked at Misato.

"Don't look at me, I think Asuka's right. This is one seriously messed up place."

Asuka grinned. "That's not what I said, I said it was...

mffphhhh..." Misato's hand cut off her comment.

* * *

The four of them sat in a rough circle and stared at each other.

"So now what?" Asuka asked.

"Do you have to keep asking that!" Shinji snapped.

"Yes, I do." Asuka sighed. "I'm bored!"

"Calm down you two!" Misato scolded. "We're together in this 'theater' for some reason and getting mad isn't going to help any!"

"But at least it's something to do!" Asuka retorted as she flopped onto her back and looked at the ceiling. "I'm bored."

Rei silently watched the argument between the others. Her only reaction was an occasional cocking of her head as she observed her fellow theater-mates.

Misato thought furiously. "I know! Let's play a game!"

"Let's not!" Asuka replied, obviously not in the game-playing mood.

Shinji sighed and dropped to the floor. "I don't feel like it."

"Well, what do you feel like?" Misato asked.

"Staring at the ceiling."

Misato frowned. "Well, that's productive."

"At least it's not likely to get anyone killed."

Misato had no response to that, so she lay down on her back and looked at the ceiling.

Rei watched everyone else lay down before she followed suit after a few heartbeats.

"Hmmm, this is relaxing," Misato remarked after staring at the ceiling for an indeterminate amount of time.

Shinji sighed. "It depends on the ceiling."

Asuka started to fidget. "Damn, my buttcheeks are numb. Can you rub them for me Shinji?"

"No, Asuka."

All four of them stared at the ceiling some more until Rei spoke.

"Five thousand, eight hundred and fifty-six."

Shinji turned his head towards Rei. "Huh?"

Rei looked over at Shinji. "That's how many little holes there are in the ceiling."

Shinji looked back at the ceiling. "Wow... I never thought to count the holes while I stared."

"Such a boring little boy."

* * *

Shinji pried open the bent and mangled hatch to Asuka's entry plug.

As it clattered onto Unit One's hand, he reached in and pulled the red plug-suited figure out. "Asuka..."

No response.

"Asuka."

No response.

"Please, Asuka."

No response.

Shinji cupped her head in his hands and ran his hand through her blood red hair. "Asuka, please don't die, I love you." Shinji lifted her head gently as if to kiss her.

He screamed when the tendons and muscles in her neck tore and dropped the headless corpse back onto Unit One's palm.

Shinji screamed louder as he found himself unable to drop her head-which he still held in his hands-or to look away from it.

When Shinji grew hoarse from screaming, he went silent. After an eternity of staring at the severed head, he spoke. "Asuka?"

Of course, there was no response.

Shinji fingered the blood red hair again. "Asuka, I'm sorry."

Asuka's eyes snapped open. "You should be, you pencil dick!"

Shinji screamed.

* * *

Shinji screamed and sat upright, sweating and panting heavily. He looked around the theater and breathed heavily. "Wha... wha... what was that?"

"What's your problem?"

Shinji looked over his shoulder and saw Asuka walk up to him.

"Asuka!" he jumped to his feet and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I'm so glad..."

Asuka smiled as she felt Shinji's warmth flow into her. It was such a pleasant and unexpected sensation that she didn't resist at first. But once a certain boy's oak tree pressed against her leg a half minute later, she reacted. Violently. "Pervert!" She slugged him hard in the stomach and stormed off.

Shinji rubbed his stomach as he watched her storm off to one of the theater's thirteen corners. "Asuka..." he said to himself softly. Was that just a dream? He looked around the theater. Or is this? "Shinji?"

Shinji looked around and saw Misato. He shuddered as an image of Misato's bloody body leaning against a bloody wall flashed into his head. "No..."

Misato frowned and put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

Shinji shook his head to clear the disturbing image from his mind.

He wasn't entirely successful. "Um... yeah. Just tired, I guess." He stared at the woman in front of him, wondering if she was really there.

"What's the last thing you remember before you woke up here?"

Misato seemed confused by the unexpected question. "Huh?"

Shinji gestured around them at the theater. "Before the theater."

Misato concentrated. "B.T. huh? Um... I had just saved you from that commando team."

"And after that?"

Misato frowned. "Um... the commando team... lots of blood... a kiss or something and then I was here."

Shinji absorbed that information as he asked another question. "Why do you think we are all here?"

Misato sighed. "If I had to guess, Third Impact must have occurred.

It was intended to merge humanity into one consciousness, so this-" She indicated the theater. "-might be all in our minds. It might not be real." She smiled and stroked Shinji's cheek. "Don't worry about it, we'll figure it out."

Shinji watched her walk away as nightmare scenes of Asuka and Misato's corpses danced in his head. At the center of the mishmash of images was a very huge and naked Rei, who absorbed Unit One into herself. If those dreams are right, then Asuka and Misato are dead and I'm just imagining them. He looked around the theater. So maybe all this *IS* just in my mind.

His eyes settled on Rei, who was running around in circles for some reason. He frowned and walked over to her. "What are you doing, Rei?"

"Asuka said I had a mark on my butt and I wanted to see what it was," Rei replied, slowing down just a little.

Shinji glared at the redhead, who was chuckling in one of the corners. "Rei, stop." He glanced at her backside. "You don't have anything on your butt, she was just joking."

"I don't find it funny." Rei stopped rotating and then staggered around from dizziness.

Shinji instinctively grabbed for her to keep her from falling down, but grabbed her breast by mistake. "Um..."

"Go ahead," Rei said softly.

"What?" Shinji gasped, still holding her breast.

"Go ahead." Rei wrapped her hands around his wrist and pulled his arm towards her. Instead of just making Shinji's wet dreams come true, his hand and arm went though her breast and into her chest.

Shinji screamed.

Shinji got an erection.

Shinji screamed some more when his erection disappeared into Rei's abdomen, only not through the normal opening. It was absorbed though her skin.

As the rest of Shinji's body was drawn into Rei's body, the theater blew up and shattered around the two teenagers become one.

* * *

Shinji and Rei floated in nothingness. They couldn't see each other, but each of them they felt the other's presence. If one moved their arm, each felt it move. If one brushed their hair, they both sensed it. If one of them snapped their fingers in front of their faces, they both heard and saw it in their minds, even if their eyes didn't seem to see anything. If Shinji scratched his balls, Rei would blush from the sensation. If Rei touched her breast, Shinji would get an erection that Rei would feel as well. If... ah heck, you get the idea.

Where am I? Shinji's thought was unspoken, but reached Rei's mind.

You are within me and I am within you.

Why?

Third Impact as brought about by the Human Instrumentality Project that your father initiated and you completed.

I did?

Yes.

How?

A pause.

Rei?

A pause.

Sorry, I do not have the words.

Asuka and Misato... Are they dead?

I do not know. Like the rest of the human race, their spirits still exist. Their physical bodies may or may not be alive.

What about us? Are we dead?

No.

Why are we together like this?

We are the center.

The center of what?

The center of the universe.

Why?

To allow you to make a choice.

A choice?

You have to build a world for us.

For us?

Yes.

Um... I like you and all, but...

No, not for you and me, for us.

That's what I was talking about!

No, you were talking about a sexual coupling of our two material bodies on an emotional and physical level.

Shinji blinked twice. An amazing feat since he wasn't even sure if he had eyes at that moment, let alone eyelids. Well, what 'US' do you have in mind?

The human race.

Ah.

You still don't understand, do you?

No.

The human race was destroyed by Third Impact.

WHAT?!

Can you please not shout your thoughts, I still have a hangover from Third Impact.

Sorry. Now about...

Third Impact wiped the physical world out, leaving only the sprits of the people.

Their spirits?

Yes, now they need you to make a choice.

A choice?

A choice for their future and the future of mankind.

Come again?

You must make a new world for the next step on mankind's evolution.

Me? Um... I'm not that good with building stuff. I made a birdhouse at my old school and ended up killing a dozen swallows.

You don't have to use your hands.

Then what?

Use your mind.

"Oh, crap... that's even worse."

Shinji suddenly found himself back in the theater. He looked over to see Asuka standing over him. "Asuka?"

Asuka had her hands on her hips and was glaring at Shinji. "Who do you think it is, you jerk! Now come on and make a perfect world for us to live happily ever after in!" She pointed at some blank poster board.

"Why me?"

"Why not?" Rei said as she knelt down in front of Shinji.

Shinji had no answer to that question.

* * *

Later, Shinji still knelt in the middle of the theater and stared at the large pieces of poster board, which were still blank.

He tapped the tip of a marker against the surface.

He stared some more.

He gasped and drew a simple vertical line.

He scribbled out the line. "What was I thinking?!"

He twirled the marker in his fingers.

He dropped the marker.

He stared at the jagged line it had made on his mighty oak.

"What the hell are you doing, you moron?!"

Shinji looked up and saw Asuka storm over. "I'm trying to think up a world."

Asuka stared at the line on his penis. "And writing on your prick is supposed to make a world?"

Shinji blushed and covered his penis. "It was an accident!"

"Yeah, right." Asuka picked up the dropped marker and then knelt down in front of the poster boards. "This is how you create a world, dummkopf!"

"Hey!" Shinji reached for the pen, but Asuka swatted his hand away.

In the process she also accidentally swatted his mighty oak. Well, the first time might have been an accident, but the two or three times she did it after that weren't.

"Stop that!

Asuka grinned mischievously. "If you can't make a choice, I will!"

"No, you can't do it!" Shinji insisted.

"Why not?" Asuka asked, as she drew a picture of a gorgeous woman on the poster board.

"Because, you... you-" Shinji went silent suddenly.

"Because why?"

Shinji thought frantically. I don't think I should tell her that it's because she's dead and just a figment of my imagination. He looked around the theater, as if that would give him an answer.

The answer walked over and knelt down next to Shinji. "Because only Shinji can do it."

Asuka glared at Rei. "Why?"

"Because," Rei replied calmly.

"Oh, well thanks so much for clearing that up," Asuka replied sarcastically.

"You're welcome," Rei said, then looked at Shinji. "How are you doing?" She licked her hand.

"Not sooooooo..." Shinji voice rose several octaves as Rei started to rub his penis. "Rei!"

"Stop that, you tramp!" Asuka shouted, cringing away from the mighty oak as it rose from the forest.

"Rei... um... I... ahhhhhh... don't... mmmmmmm... think...

you..."

Rei stopped rubbing and looked up. "There you go."

Shinji eye's rolled back into their normal forward facing position.

"Um... why'd you stop?" He suddenly realized what he said. "I mean...

why'd you do that?"

Asuka whacked his head. "Dummkopf, you mean why didn't she finish the hand job!"

"Hand job?" Rei asked, licking her fingers.

"Um...wha... she... means... is... err..." Shinji stammered.

Asuka interrupted before Shinji wasted eternity explaining. "What you were just doing to Shinji's prick!"

"I never knew it had a name. The Commander never called it that."

Shinji and Asuka's jaws dropped and caused Forth Impact. Of course, since Third Impact had pretty much destroyed everything already, no one really noticed that it happened. Except for one pregnant cockroach that had somehow survived Third Impact. It had just finished building a little roach hotel for its children to live in when Fourth Impact wiped the would-be inheritors of the world out of existence.

"My father... you did that to my father?"

"Often."

Shinji threw up.

Asuka slapped Rei. "You little slut! Why would you do such a thing?!"

Rei looked confused. "I was under the impression that it was the polite thing to do."

Asuka fumed. "Polite?! That sounds like an excuse an American President would use after he was caught with a hand in his pants!"

Shinji waved his hands in front of him. "Calm down, Asuka. Just because President Gore had a fling with your mother when she was an intern, don't take it out on Rei. She didn't know what she was doing."

"Oh, your prick certainly thought she was doing a good job."

Shinji blushed. "Shut up!"

Rei looked sadly at the ground. "I'm sorry, Shinji, I didn't mean to upset you. I used to clean ink marks off your father's hands all the time."

"That's okay..." Shinji trailed off as her words sunk in. "What?!"

Rei nodded. "He was always doodling or making notes on them."

Asuka was speechless. Yes, Asuka.

Shinji studied Rei's face for and sign that she was joking, but Rei's face remained impassive. Shinji burst out laughing.

Rei looked confused.

Asuka looked confused.

Misato ran up to them. "What's going on? I heard this strange sound."

Shinji's laughter trailed off and he looked at Misato. "I was just laughing at something."

"Oh... I've never heard you laugh before. Why now?"

Shinji thought about that for a few moments. "Oh, I just realized how ridiculous this whole situation is." He gestured around the theater.

"Just now you are? What an idiot!" Asuka snapped.

Shinji chuckled. "Maybe I am, but this idiot has the power to create a world." Before Asuka could make a snide comment about that, Shinji burst out laughing.

Misato put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "I don't think you should take this lightly; you have a serious responsibility here."

Shinji looked at Misato. "Yeah, I know. But I have the power to make the world as I want it, don't I? How hard could it be to make a world free of pain and suffering?" The three women just stared at Shinji, so he continued. "I'm going to make a perfect world for us." He pointed down at the storyboards.

Misato looked at the storyboards and frowned. "You want to be Asuka's sex slave?"

"What?" Shinji followed her gaze. "Asuka!"

Asuka grinned mischievously. "Well, if you couldn't make up your mind..."

Shinji grabbed the storyboards. "No! I didn't draw that!" He flipped the storyboards over and then picked up the dropped marker. "Now then... where to start?"

The others all looked on silently as he contemplated the blank page.

* * *

Rei, Misato, and Asuka snored loudly as they slept on the floor of the theater near Shinji, who was hunched over the poster boards. His hands were covered with ink.

Rei was sleeping perfectly flat and had her hands resting on her chest right below her breasts, which slowly rose and fell with each breath.

Misato was sleeping on her side and snoring loudly. Drool spilled from her mouth onto the theater's floor.

Asuka was bent in an odd pretzel shape, with her foot rammed into Misato's back. She shifted and her hand fell onto Shinji's lap. Again.

Shinji sighed and pried Asuka's fingers off his penis. Again. "Why does she keep doing that?" He sighed and scooted away from the redhead, knowing that she'd just inch her way over to him again. "Well, I'm almost done anyway." He looked at the last blank poster board and smiled as he started to draw the last piece of his new world. "This is so easy..."

A few meters in front of him, a small glowing point of light had slowly started to grow brighter and brighter as he drew on the poster boards. It was about the size of a thirty-six inch television set.

Shinji was hoping for a fifty-incher by the time he finished.

Asuka would have been content with a twelve-incher, but that's another issue altogether.

Shinji finished drawing a long curve and then put the cap back on the marker. "Done!" He stared at the completed storyboards for what seemed like an eternity. "Now what?" He looked over at his sleeping theater-mates and was about to wake them up when the glowing viewpoint caught his eye. "Whaaa..."

* * *

Later, Asuka awoke in Misato's arms. "Huh?" She blinked a few times to clear her vision and was rewarded with a close-up view of Misato's breasts. "Ack!" She scooted away as Misato awoke.

Misato yawned and then let out a loud burp. "What are you doing, Asuka?"

Asuka was still shaking a bit as she looked at Misato. "Nothing..."

She adverted her eyes. I hope that dream about my mother breastfeeding me was just a dream. She unconsciously wiped her mouth off.

Misato stood up and scratched her butt. "Man, I needed a good sleep. I felt like I had an hangover for the longest time." She burped again and then looked down at Rei. "Rei?"

Rei's eyes snapped open and she rose to a sitting position. "Yes, Ms. Katsuragi?"

"How did you sleep?"

Rei stood up. "It was a most restful experience." She looked around. "Shinji?"

Asuka and Misato followed her gaze and gasped when they saw Shinji standing stiffly in front of the glowing viewpoint.

Asuka walked over and waved her hand in front of his blank eyes.

"His mind's gone."

"I think he finished his perfect world." Misato pointed to the storyboards that were resting on the floor in front of Shinji.

"Hot damn! Let's see the world he made for me!" Asuka looked at the viewpoint.

"Made for everyone, you mean," Rei calmly corrected the redhead.

Asuka smirked knowingly, but frowned when she saw what was on the viewpoint. "That bastard!"

* * *

Rei slipped her pajamas off and placed them into the basket in the outer room of the bathroom. Then she slid over the door to the room containing the bathtub. "Need me to scrub your back?"

Shinji looked away from his contemplation of the ceiling and at Rei. "Nawww... I'm fine."

Rei smiled and then sat down on a little stool and began washing herself. Shinji watched as she rinsed herself off and then walked over to the tub. "Scoot over."

Shinji made room for her and then held his hand out to help her into the tub.

Rei settled into the tub, letting the warm water spread out across her naked bosom. "Ahhhh..."

Shinji blushed and tried to avoid looking at her body. "So, what do you want to do-"

* * *

Shinji screamed as Asuka twisted his penis.

"Dummkopf! How dare you make a world where you're doing that with another girl!" Asuka pointed at the frozen viewpoint, which showed Rei and Shinji in the tub together.

Shinji pulled Asuka's hand away from his sore member and glared at her. "What the hell did you do that for!"

"You made a world where you're with that... that..." Asuka point a shaky finger at Rei.

Misato got between Asuka and the others. "Calm down, Asuka, it's his choice. Maybe he just doesn't love you."

Asuka glared at Misato. "Good, because I don't love him!" She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

Misato looked skeptically at Asuka. "Right." She looked at Shinji.

"Shinji, why did you choose that?" She pointed at the viewpoint.

Shinji looked nervously at everyone. "Well, I figured it would be the best way to keep an eye on Rei and protect her."

Rei looked confused. "Protect me?"

"You didn't deserve to be treated like a tool by my father and the others."

Rei blushed. "Tha... thank you."

"That's no excuse for making a little love shack for you and Wondergirl."

Shinji's face fell. "Huh?"

Asuka pointed at the viewpoint. "That!"

"What's wrong with Rei being my sister?"

"Everything! How could... huh?"

Two jaws dropped to the floor in shock. A third jaw moved a millimeter downward as well.

* * *

"So, what do you want to do after school today, Sis?" Shinji asked as he stared at the ceiling.

"Well, I was going to go someplace with Kensuke."

Shinji grinned. "Make out in the park, huh?"

Rei blushed. "No! I...um... well..."

Shinji laughed. "I'm just kidding you, Sis. Just don't let him see you like this or he'll go crazy." He winked at his naked sister.

Rei blushed more. "Kensuke's not like that. He's a nice boy."

"Well, yeah... but even I have trouble remembering that you're my sister sometimes." Shinji glanced down at Rei's body.

Rei laughed playfully. "I can see that." She glanced at Shinji's groin. "Maybe we're too old to take baths together."

"Maybe..."

Rei chuckled and gave her brother a peck on his cheek. "Don't worry, little brother, I'd never do anything to make you upset. Kensuke is always the perfect gentleman when we go out."

"I'm only a few minutes younger," Shinji muttered.

* * *

Asuka blushed and looked away from Shinji, who was still in his trance. "Well...well... okay then!" She huffed and sat down on the theater floor. "At least I know you'd never do anything with your own sister," she mumbled to herself.

Misato turned away from the sulking redhead to hide the smile that formed on her face. She looked at Rei. "Well, it's a start."

"Yes..."

"I wonder what he did for me?" Misato asked as she looked back at the viewpoint.

* * *

"Bye Mom, bye Dad!" Shinji and Rei chorused as they left their apartment.

"Take care kids!" was their Mother's response. They just heard a loud grunt from their father.

Rei and Shinji walked down the hall. They stopped when a door opened in front of them.

"Hi, Mrs. Kaji!" Shinji said, snapping to attention in more ways than one.

Rei giggled at hearing her brother's voice change pitch as the hormones surged through his body.

Misato smiled as she stepped out of her apartment. "Oh, hi kids."

She hefted a one-year-old baby against her chest and used her other hand to close her door.

"Awwww... he's so cute." Rei smiled and ran her hand through the baby's black hair. "You still need me to baby-sit Saturday?"

Misato smiled. "Oh yeah... my husband and I need some time alone before my daughter is born." Misato patted her pregnant belly. She appeared to be in her second trimester or early third.

"Mr. Kaji is so lucky..." Shinji muttered.

Rei giggled. "Ignore my brother, Mrs. Kaji, he just can't get over the fact that you're not available for his wet dreams anymore."

"Rei!"

Misato let out a deep laugh, causing her baby to gurgle. "I've been married for as long as I've known you both."

Rei smiled at Shinji. "Yeah, but until you got pregnant and started to show, he used to be able to make believe you were just baby sitting Taro."

Misato struck a pose. "My husband thinks pregnant women are very sexy." She bent over a little bit, showing off her cleavage.

Blood trickled from Shinji's nose.

Misato laughed. "Well, I'm sure Shinji will find a girlfriend."

"Oh, he's got one already..."

"Huh?"

Misato looked at Shinji's surprised reaction. "Does Shinji know about this?"

Rei nodded. "He calls her Asuka."

Shinji's face went pale and he started to hyperventilate.

"Wow, he must be real crazy about her to have that kind of reaction."

"I'm not!"

"What's she like?"

Shinji tried to keep Rei from speaking, but Rei pushed aside his attempts to silence her. "Tall." Rei put her hand over her head.

"Slender." She squeezed her sides in. "HUGE breasts." She cupped her significantly less than huge breasts. "Kind of a rubbery texture, and a big mouth." She stroked her cheek and then opened her mouth wide.

Misato tried to avoid laughing, but didn't last long. "He has to blow her up, doesn't he?"

Rei nodded.

Shinji blushed and took off running down the hallway, screaming all the way.

* * *

Asuka punched Shinji in the stomach and then kneed him. "How dare you make me a rubber plaything!"

Shinji coughed and tried to catch his breath. "I... I... didn't,"

he squeaked in a high pitched voice.

"Yeah, right!" Asuka pointed at the viewpoint. "Then what about the rubber thing under that pervert's bed?!"

"I don't know..." Shinji shook his head. "Maybe I should have been more specific about some things..."

Asuka knelt down in front of the storyboards and started looking at them. "I had better not find a rubber me in here, or you'll never need a slot B to use your tab A in again." She made snipping gestures at Shinji's mighty oak, which was more like a frightened turtle at that moment.

* * *

"Rei Ikari, A plus. Shinji Ikari, C minus. Touji..." the teacher recited the scores from the last test. He was pretty much being ignored by the class.

Touji and Hikari were sitting in the back of the classroom, making puppy dog eyes at each other. Touji mouthed 'I love you, snookie-poo'

and Hikari mouthed 'Me too, cuddle-muffin'.

The boy sitting at the desk next to them mouthed retching sounds.

Kensuke had his head buried in a technical manual for some new VR game that had just opened at the local mall. He was planning on taking the gang there after school, having completely forgotten about his date with Rei.

Shinji banged his head on the desk. "Why'd you have to tell Misato that this morning?"

Rei sat in the desk next to Shinji. "Sorry, I was just joking."

"How'd you know anyway?" Shinji whispered.

Rei giggled. "My room is right next to yours, you know." She winked.

Shinji went pale.

"Okay class, we have a new student. Introduce yourself."

"I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu. I was born in America, but I've lived in Germany for the past two years until my mother got a job here in Tokyo."

Two loud thuds were heard as Rei and Shinji fell out of their chairs.

"WHAT?!" Shinji gasped, looking in disbelief at the non-rubber Asuka.

Asuka stared at the prone boy on the ground. "What a little freak."

* * *

The theater according to Shinji:

A gateway to the future?


	21. Asuka Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:3 - Asuka Blows!

* * *

Asuka according to Shinji:

A redheaded shrew

* * *

The large lizard chewed on the armored skin of its opponent, trying to get under one of the thick armor plates covering its enemy's hide.

Shinji raced into the area and tossed a small ball into the middle of the battle. "Elephantar, I choose you!"

The ball opened and disgorged a large elephant-like creature with ten trunks. It proceeded to sit on the Charizard and Bubizard, crushing them flat. Blood oozed out of the Elephantar's butt crack as it played 'Fly Me To the Moon' using its ten trunks.

Shinji grinned as he removed his VR goggles. "That's was fun." He looked over at Kensuke. "What did you say this was based on?"

Kensuke straightened his glasses after removing his own VR goggles.

"Some classic stage play from the Twentieth Century. I think it was a musical about a bunch of singing rats or something."

"Weird... well, thanks for suggesting it." Shinji and Kensuke walked out of the VR play area and towards the exit together. "But why didn't you ask Touji?"

"Touji didn't want to come because his ball and chain wouldn't let him."

Shinji laughed. "Speaking of that... didn't you have a date with Rei today?"

Kensuke thought for a second. "No... I don't think so. Every Wednesday and Saturday we go out. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my free days, unless she's having her per..." Kensuke trailed off as he did the math. "Oh crap! I messed up!"

Shinji just started at Kensuke and tried not to think of why Kensuke kept such close track of his sister's periods. Think of anything else, Shinji... anything. Several steps later, Shinji had yet to be able to think of anything other than what he was thinking. Rei swore to me that she and Kensuke weren't having sex... but what other reason could he have for... Lost in thought, he missed seeing the person he ran into. As he crashed to the ground, shooting pain flowed up his thigh. His face faired much better, since it landed between a pair of soft bouncy objects.

"Watch where you're going, dummkopf!"

Shinji looked up and saw an angry redhead attached to the breasts his face was enjoying being between. The erection he got showed that the rest of his body shared the enjoyment. "Oh... Asuka!"

"You should look where you're going, you jerk!" Asuka spat, pushing Shinji off her chest.

Shinji blushed and did his best to hide his bulge as he got up.

"Um... sorry."

Asuka smirked. "Yeah, right." She turned to the person she had just entered the VR center with. "Your brother sure is a horny little jerk, Rei."

"You have no idea," Rei commented looking down at Shinji. Then she looked at Kensuke. "Where were you? I finally gave up when Asuka invited me down here to play the new game."

Kensuke bowed in front of Rei. "I'm sorry, Rei! I miscalculated!"

Rei smiled. "No problem... let's go have some fun."

Kensuke smiled and raced off with Rei, leaving Shinji and Asuka to stare bewildered at the retreating couple.

"Oh, great... now what can I do?"

Shinji opened his mouth to make a suggestion.

"Not in your wildest dreams, you little prick."

Shinji frowned. How did she know what I was thinking? He scrambled to think of something that didn't involve spreading butter onto Asuka and him buttering his hard roll on the hot-buttered babe. "I just wanted to suggest the... VR game here."

Asuka frowned. "Well..."

"Oh, come on.. it's fun. You get to kill all kinds of monsters."

Asuka glanced at Shinji's bulge. "It doesn't have some kind of hidden sex cheat that you're trying to trick me into doing with you, is there?"

Shinji gulped. "No! At least... I don't think there is. I've only played it once."

"Oh..."

If Shinji recognized the disappointed tone in Asuka's voice, he didn't show it. "You basically use some monsters-which range from mean and ugly to cute and cuddly-to tear apart your opponent's monsters."

Asuka cocked her head. "Sounds a bit gross."

"Yeah, it is." Shinji smiled and licked his lips like Hannibal Lechter before a trip to the grocery morgue.

"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a shot."

* * *

"Pika..."

Asuka clenched her fists. "Go... go... go..."

"Pika..."

"Kill that bastard!" Asuka shouted.

"Chuuuuuuuuuuu!" The yellow rat exploded under the intense heat of the Charizard's fire attack. The battlefield was quickly covered with yellow pieces of burnt and bloody flesh.

Shinji swore. "Dammit! That's not fair!"

Asuka grinned. "You didn't say that when you had your rat eat my water monster."

Shinji fumed and glared at the redhead across the remains of his monsters. "What does that have to do with it?!"

Asuka smirked. "It's simple physics, dummkopf! The water of my Aquatranssexuar-that your rat ate-was heated by my Charizard until it expanded and caused both to explode."

Shinji stared dumbfounded at the redhead girl. And here I thought she picked it because of the red pigtail on it. Asuka sighed. "What an idiot..." She muttered and then looked Shinji in the eye. "Let me put it this way..." She covered her breasts with her hands. "If I heat up my breasts with my hands will they shrink or grow?"

Shinji blushed. "I... I... I don't know, I don't think of that kind of thing!"

Shinji's other mind contradicted his statement.

Asuka smirked when she saw the bulge appear on his groin. "Maybe you won't be as boring as I thought." She looked around the VR landscape and then walked towards Shinji. "Let's try this again." She undid a couple buttons on her school blouse.

Shinji's eyes went wide and he took a couple steps backwards.

"Wha... what are you doing?"

Asuka sighed. "How naive can you be?" She grabbed Shinji's arms and pulled his hands over her breasts. "Now squeeze them and see if they contract or expand."

Shinji started to hyperventilate as the warmth from Asuka's breasts flowed through her bra and into his hands.

"Come on, SQUEEZE!"

Shinji broke free of Asuka's grip and ran from the VR play area, leaving a trail of VR equipment behind him.

"Such a boring little boy." Asuka shook her head sadly as she re-buttoned her blouse. She was startled when a pair of hands wrapped around her from behind and started to massage her breasts. "Well, a slow starter, but..." She frowned suddenly as her sensitive breasts revealed something. Those feel like different hands. She turned around and glared at the man who had been fondling her. "What the hell are you doing!"

"Sorry, you looked like you wanted it." The man licked his lips.

Asuka noticed he was wearing one of the outfits the VR center's employees wore. "Jerk!" In one swift movement, she kneed him and then stormed out of the play area, leaving the old man moaning on the floor.

"Ouch..." The old man rubbed his sore head. That being the one between his legs, not on top of his shoulders. And here I thought this would be a good job to keep me busy until that fuss at the university got cleared up. I wonder if the paternity tests are done yet? -E- -V- -A-

"Oh... Asuka..." Shinji rocked back and forth on top of the redhead. "Oh... oh... oh..."

"Shinji, that's just sick..."

Sweat dripped from Shinji's forehead as he looked up from what he was doing. "Rei! Um..." He looked between Asuka and Rei. "Um..."

"Why don't you just ask her out instead of humping the rubber one?"

Rei smirked.

Shinji blushed as he slid off the blow up doll, making a long squelching sound. Sort of like the sound of an oak tree being dragged across a rubber tree. "Who are you talking about!"

"Asuka..." Rei quickly clarified. "The living one I mean. You know... the one not made out of rubber?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Shinji pulled his pants on. "I hate that shrew!"

Rei smirked. "Yeah right..." She pointed at the rubber doll, which Shinji was shoving under his bed. "The why does Rubber-Asuka have red hair suddenly?"

Shinji blushed deeper and grabbed the red wig and hid it under his mattress. "No! That has nothing to do with her!"

Rei giggled. "You know, Shinji, if you actually ask Asuka out, she may say yes."

Shinji leaned closer to Rei. "What has she told you?"

Rei laughed. "Mostly questions about the boys in the school. She's asked a lot of the other girls too. I think she's looking for a boyfriend and is doing research to find the best one."

"Well..."

"If you play your cards right, maybe you can trade Rubber-Asuka in for a rubber so you can have some fun with the real Asuka."

Shinji's jaw dropped at hearing his sister talk like that. "Sis, what are you saying!"

Like many sisters, Rei assumed Shinji was just stupid so she rephrased her comment. "I mean that you need a condom so you can have hot, unbridled, monkey-sex with the living and breathing Asuka. You know, the Asuka without a plastic snatch?"

Shinji fainted at hearing that from his own sister. Well, Rei being his sister probably had little to do with it, he would have probably fainted no matter who said that to him.

* * *

While his three naked theater-mates looked on, Shinji collapsed to the floor of the theater and banged his head against the wooden floor.

"What the hell is going on?!"

"Man, you are one sick puppy to make a world like that," Asuka remarked. Or more like gloated.

"I didn't."

"Yeah, right." Asuka pointed at the storyboards. "Admit it... you made a world where we could be lovers and screwed it up like everything else you've ever done."

"Isn't that what you want?" Rei asked calmly. "To screw Shinji?"

Asuka glared at Rei. "What?!" She looked awkwardly between Shinji and Rei. "NO!"

Shinji looked up from the ground. "Stop arguing... I screwed up."

"She started it!" Asuka shouted and pointed at Rei.

"I believe you began it when you called Shinji a sick puppy who humps a rubber doll with a pathetic, limp, Chinese noodle," Rei calmly responded.

"Don't fight you two!" Misato interrupted the fight and got between the two teenage girls.

"You're not our mother, you know!" Asuka shouted at Misato.

"Calm down, Asuka," Shinji said from the floor. "*I* started all this when I screwed..." He trailed off when he remembered something.

"Rei... Asuka never said anything about a noodle." He unconsciously glanced at his currently limp noodle.

Rei cocked her head to the side. "She said that while you were in your trance."

Shinji glared at Asuka. "What else do you say and do while I'm in my trance?"

"Nothing!" Asuka insisted, but dropped a marker at that moment.

Shinji's eye's narrowed, causing the raccoon circles around his eyes to become ovals. "Why don't I believe you?"

Asuka hid the black marker behind her back and then shrugged innocently, causing her breasts to bounce.

* * *

"You won't tell Asuka, right?" Shinji asked as they soaked in the tub before school.

Rei laughed. "Don't worry, I don't want anyone knowing what a sick puppy my twin brother is."

"Hey!"

Rei laughed and squeezed her little brother's shoulder. "Just ask her... the worse thing she can do is turn you down."

Shinji sighed. "No, the worse thing she could do is turn me down in front of the class, call me a pencil dick, mercilessly tease me repeatedly about said pencil dick, hit me over the head with a two-by-four, and make the rest of the school year a living hell for me."

"True." Rei nodded and then grinned. "You've thought about that a lot, haven't you?"

"Maybe..."

Rei smiled and leaned over to Shinji. "Shinji, you really don't have anything to worry about. You're actually pretty well-endowed."

Shinji blushed and looked down. "Well..." He covered his lap.

"Damn, what makes you think you're so small anyway?"

"Well... during gym when we shower..."

Rei's jaw dropped open. "Man... and I thought the girls were bad in the girl's locker room. Always comparing breast sizes, grabbing each other's tits, that little Sana always dropping the soap. If anyone should be worried about being small it's me." She cupped her small breasts in her hands. "Look at these little things. I'm the smallest in the class!"

A drop of blood splashed into the water. "Rei!" Shinji wiped his nose.

Rei laughed. "You're so cute when your hormones get flowing. Don't worry Shinji, you've got nothing to worry about. Heck, I wish Kensuke was as big as... err..." She blushed and turned away from Shinji to hide her embarrassment.

"Rei! You said you'd never had sex with Kensuke!"

"Um... well... we didn't do anything... we just showed each other... well... just took off our clothes and looked at each other. He was so timid and bashful... I could have just eaten him all up." She noticed Shinji's suddenly angry look. "But I didn't." Her blush deepened.

Shinji smiled at his sister's embarrassment when it came to talking about her own sex life. "Ah... so my big sister is just a little girl after all." He started to laugh.

Rei crossed her arms over her chest and sulked. "I am not!"

* * *

Shinji glared at Kensuke as he walked into class that morning. Do my sister and I'll kill you.

Kensuke couldn't read Shinji's thoughts, but he got the idea from Shinji's body language. So did his penis, that suddenly receded into his scrotum as Shinji made 'snip-snip' gestures around his own groin.

Kensuke gulped loudly.

"Mr. Aida, please don't gulp loudly in class," the teacher remarked and then looked at Shinji. "You're late. Stand in the hall with a bucket."

Shinji muttered something and turned to leave, only to crash into a pair of breasts and fall forward to the floor. The breasts cushioned his fall.

"Now I know you're doing this on purpose!" Asuka bellowed and pushed Shinji off her chest. "You little pervert!"

"I'm not!" Shinji snapped back

"Your dick appears to agree with me!" Asuka pointed at his mighty bulge.

Giggles and laughs were heard from the class.

* * *

A few minutes later in the hallway, Shinji was holding a bucket of water by its handle when a redhead slid beside him with another bucket.

He glanced at her awkwardly, unwilling to start a conversation.

So Asuka started it instead. "Thanks a lot, pencil dick!"

Shinji frowned, but did not make eye contact when he spoke. "Just shut up. You were as much at fault as I was."

"You can make it up to me after school."

Shinji flinched. "Why should I?"

"Because I said so."

"You'll have to do better than that, you shrew!"

"How about this?" Asuka shoved her hand down Shinji's pants and grabbed his mighty oak.

Shinji gulped loudly.

"No gulping out there!" the teacher ordered from the classroom.

Asuka gave the bark on the tree a thorough chipping.

Shinji's eye's rolled upwards. "Ahhhhhh..."

"No making orgasmic sounds out there!"

* * *

"Are you sure your parents and sister are out until eight?" Asuka asked.

Shinji nodded. "Yeah... Rei is out with Kensuke and my parents are out bailing out an old friend of theirs. A Professor Fuyutsuki or something like that. Apparently he knocked up the fourteen-year-old daughter of one of his bosses.

"Wonderbar..." Asuka smiled broadly as she slapped one cuff of a pair of handcuffs onto Shinji's wrist and the other cuff to the bedpost.

She quickly closed the door to his room and turned down the lights.

"Wha... what are you doing!" Shinji stammered, looking nervously between the handcuffs and the crazed redhead.

"Paying you back..." Asuka pulled several leather straps out of her bag and began to corral Shinji's flailing limbs. "If you behave, this won't be as much fun..."

"Stop!" Shinji shouted, trying to find a way to get loose, but he quickly found himself at the mercy of the redheaded devil. She's some kind of psychopathic killer. She must move around a lot to find new victims. "Please, stop... I'm sorry."

"Begging won't help you." Asuka grinned mischievously and started to undo her blouse. "Now, who is your master?" she asked as she let her skirt fall to the ground and opened her blouse. Under her uniform, she was wearing a tight, red outfit. The crotchless thong that made up the bottom of the rubber outfit exposed more thigh that Shinji had ever seen on anyone except his sister. And then there was the non-rubber snatch, which was new to him too. The sleeveless top piece lifted and separated her two breasts, which were protruding through two openings in the top.

For some reason, a little '02' was imprinted on the top of the rubber outfit just below the neckline.

"Please... I'm really sorry."

Asuka smiled at the bound boy and pulled out a long whip from her bag. "Good, now then... where should we start?" She traced a circle around Shinji's groin with the end of the whip's handle.

Shinji cringed. "Please stop!"

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Ohhhhh... I like it when they beg."

Crack.

Shinji fainted.

"Such a boring little boy, I didn't even hit you yet."

* * *

"Wake up, Shinji..." Asuka purred and resumed what she was doing.

Shinji opened his eyes and looked around the room. "Wha... where did she go?" An unfamiliar sensation caused him to look down his body.

"Ack!"

Asuka lifted her head from his groin and smiled at Shinji. "I thought that'd bring you around. Mouth to dick resuscitation is my specialty." She winked and returned to what she was doing.

What was she doing, you ask? Oh, just reread the title for this part and you'll get the picture.

Shinji remained conscious until all the blood drained from his brain; either from his nose or as it flowed to his nether regions.

"Well, at least you lasted longer this time."

* * *

Shinji came out of his trance and stumbled backwards. He crashed into Rei, Misato, and Asuka. All three crashed to the theater floor in a big heap of naked flesh.

"Ouch!" Asuka snapped and pushed Shinji off her.

Shinji barely registered the others and started to mumble to himself. "This... this isn't want I wanted. It can't be right..."

Rei calmly got to her feet, brushed off her... skin, and walked over to Shinji. "It's okay, Shinji, I understand that most fourteen-year-old boys are horny bastards who only want girls so they can get laid."

Shinji looked at Rei as she knelt down next to him. "You've been talking to Asuka again, haven't you?"

"What they hell do you mean by that!" Asuka bellowed.

Rei nodded.

Shinji sighed and looked at Misato. "What should I do?"

Misato shrugged her shoulders, causing her breasts to bounce.

Shinji got dizzy trying to follow the spinning nipples. He sighed heavily.

* * *

Shinji opened his eyes and saw two nipples spinning above him.

"Ack!"

Asuka smiled as she bounced on top of Shinji. "Can you try not to faint again? This is a lot better with a conscious man. Well... except for that time in Osaka-2 when I worked my way through the coma ward at Osaka General Hospital. That was quite a night."

"Wha... what are you doing?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Having sex with you." She looked down at where her body was swallowing Shinji's oak tree.

Shinji followed her gaze and gasped. "What are you doing?!"

"Such a boring little slave." She tensed her muscles. "Now do you understand?"

Shinji's eyes rolled upwards.

"I see you do." Things were proceeding to a climax when a loud popping sound was heard followed by a loud hissing sound.

Shinji went pale.

"What was that?"

Shinji went paler.

Asuka leaned over and started to look under the bed.

Shinji became partially transparent. "No, don't!"

Asuka reached under and pulled herself out from under the bed.

"What is this?"

Shinji thought fast. "Um... it's a mannequin. Um... my father makes them." Thought FAST, not thought WELL.

Asuka examined the deflated rubber 'mannequin'. "Then why does it have these two large holes on each end?"

"Um... they use that for mounting it in the stores."

"Uh huh... well, then-" She ran her index finger across one of the holes-which one isn't important, the end result is the same- and licked her finger. Then she touched the tip of Shinji's penis and licked her finger again. "Ah ha! You screw this blow up doll, don't you?!"

"No! I.. um..."

"And why does it say 'My Asuka' on this label?" Asuka indicated a hand-written label on the deflated Asuka's neck.

"It's... it's... the name of my father's blow-up, cum-flavored, deluxe rod-support mannequin factory!"

Asuka blinked loudly twice. Then she did it again. That makes four times for those who are counting.

Shinji smiled. Four blinks, she's completely fooled! Well, I'll give him credit for coming up with that totally twisted lie. Asuka put the rubber Asuka against Shinji's mighty oak. "You want this Asuka-" She rubbed the rubber doll up and down. "-or the real thing?" She slipped her honey pot over his oak tree and made a potted tree. She bounced up and down.

Shinji fainted.

"I'll take that as a request for the real thing."

* * *

Asuka bounced on top of Shinji's mighty oak. "Yeeeee... ha!"

Shinji drooled onto the pillow, dead to the world. Not dead, literally, of course. But unconscious enough to miss his deflowering by a redheaded bondage queen, not to mention missing all the kinky positions and S&M devices she used during that deflowering.

"What a stallion!"

Whether because of hearing that comment or by a simple twist of fate, Shinji's eyes popped open at that moment. "Huh... what..." His eyes went wide as he saw Asuka's twin orbs undulating above him.

"Gaaaaa..." Apparently he was speechless.

Asuka continued bouncing and looked down. "Oh, you're awake."

"Gaaaaaaa..." Still speechless.

"Enjoying the ride?"

"Gaaaaaaa..." Maybe he was dying?

Asuka smiled. "Next time you have to tie me up, okay?"

"Gaaaaaaa..." Oh... it's kind of hard to tell, but he might be having an orgasm.

As Asuka shuddered, an airplane flew through the room followed by a train that chugged past the window-a remarkable thing considering they were on the fifth floor. To top it all off, some birds and bees buzzed around the light fixture hanging from the ceiling. Normally these things would be seen in a different location instead of where the graphic sex-and this was really graphic, kinky, leather filled, really, really graphic sex-was taking place, but they wanted to see Shinji and Asuka do it too.

After the kinky, graphic sex was over, Asuka let her leather instruments drop to the floor. Then she dropped to Shinji's side and panted heavily. "Wow, what a stallion." She rested her head on his chest and traced little circles around his nipples. "I think I've chosen my newest love slave well."

Shinji was dead to the world.

Literally.

Asuka frowned and pressed her ear against Shinji's chest. "Odd...

usually they breathe harder after I've given them the ride of their lives." She listened more. "And usually their heart is beating too." Her eyes went wide. "Oh, shit! Not another one!"

* * *

Asuka was smiling broadly in the theater. "Damn, I knew I was good, but to actually kill the little spud... I am so damn hot!"

Shinji's nose was bleeding when he came out of his trance. "What the hell is happening?! I never wanted this!"

Asuka smirked. "Well, it's a unique way to commit suicide, I'll grant you that."

Shinji stared blankly at Asuka. "Huh?"

"You created a world where an incredibly sexy woman-" Asuka struck a pose that made Shinji's tree twitch. "-makes your journey into the next life very pleasurable."

"I didn't want that!"

"Yeah... right. You got exactly what you drew... a sexy redhead to screw you to death."

"Is that really what you wanted, Shinji?" Rei asked calmly from behind Shinji.

Shinji looked away from Asuka and back at Rei. "No! I... I... just wanted everyone to be happy." He dropped to the ground and started to sort thought the storyboards he had drawn to create his new world. "Did I forget to dot an 'I' or cross a 'T' somewhere? " "Well, at least you got all the T and A's right!" Asuka chuckled, but was ignored.

"Well, you apparently died happy, Shinji," Misato remarked, unable to think of anything better to say. She pointed at the frozen viewpoint, which showed the dead Shinji lying on the bed with a contented smile on his ashen face.

"I didn't want to die... I wanted to prove I could do something my fath..." Shinji stopped speaking suddenly and started to stammer.

"Err... what I mean is... err... I wanted everyone to be happy!"

"Yeah, right. Who could resist a body like this?" Asuka struck a pose.

"Mr. Kaji did quite often, if I recall correctly."

Asuka glared at Rei. "Who asked you?"

Misato stepped between the two girls to prevent a naked chick fight. The readers didn't like Misato very much at that moment and had to be restrained from jumping into the story and encouraging the chick fight. "Asuka, Rei just meant that Kaji was being faithful to the love of his life." She stood up straight and smiled broadly. "Me!"

Asuka opened her mouth to speak, but Rei spoke first.

"No, that wasn't what I meant."

Misato looked crossed at Rei. "What did you mean then?"

"That Mr. Kaji had no interest in her. He told me once that he liked women with more meat on their bones."

Misato's eye twitched.

Asuka laughed. "You mean he likes fat girls!"

"I'm not fat!" Misato insisted angrily, causing the small amount of fat on her body to jiggle.

"STOP FIGHTING!" Shinji screamed. The three women shut up and looked at him. "This is all my fault." He looked at the pile of storyboards that he held in his hands. "I messed up somewhere or I didn't get detailed enough when I drew these." He lifted the storyboards. "I fucked up, okay?! So stop fighting! It's all my fault!"

Misato's eyes narrowed as she looked at Shinji. "What the...

Shinji, look at the back." She gestured at the storyboards.

Shinji looked confused as he turned the storyboards over. "What?"

He gasped and looked over the drawn panels depicting Asuka dressed in a red rubber outfit vaguely reminiscent of her plugsuit. Well except that it had no arms and legs, or anything covering her breasts or crotch, of course. On the back, Shinji was tied up and feeling the wrath of Asuka's whips, chains, and limp Chinese noodles. "I... didn't draw this."

Asuka suddenly started to inch backwards, wanting to be anyplace but the theater. Of course, there wasn't anyplace else for her to go.

"Asuka!" Shinji snapped. "You drew this!"

"It was a joke! It's not my fault that you drew on the other side!"

Shinji opened his mouth to reply, then shut it when he realized Asuka was right. At least partly right. He wasn't about to tell Asuka that, of course. "Well, at least that explains why that world was so screwed up. There's no way any world I made could have been that bad."

He sighed and gripped the storyboards in one hand and lifted the edge of one in his other hand.

* * *

Asuka looked around Shinji's bedroom frantically. "Damn, I should have gone after that Suzuhara boy instead... he looked pretty rugged."

She looked down at Shinji's body and sighed. "Guess I'll have to grind this one up into cat food like the last one." She took one step towards the door when a short blue-haired girl appeared in the doorway.

"What are you doing?!" Rei screamed at the half-naked redhead. Then she saw Shinji. "Shinji! What did you do to my brother?! He looks like he was drained by an inhuman monster!"

"I... um... well..." Asuka frantically searched for an answer.

Before she could figure out a plausible lie as to why she was wearing a kinky red rubber outfit and why Shinji died with a huge smile on his face, her body was blown apart. Her skin tore open and spilled her guts all over the floor. Her intestines, stomach, uterus, were quickly joined by her lungs and still beating heart. Then her head dropped onto the remains with a sickening, squelching sound.

Rei just stared at he red bloody pulp that was once the redhead.

Before she regained her wits, Shinji's body suddenly burst apart at the seams.

Well, humans don't really have seams, of course. In this case, the seams appeared when his skin was ripped apart by some unseen force. Like Asuka, his organs spilled out onto the bed and bathed his skin and bones in pool of his own bowels. In the middle of the pool of flesh, Shinji's heart lay unbeating.

"It's some kind of flesh eating virus!" Rei screamed and turned to flee. She had taken one step before her body was ripped apart and disgorged her insides on top of Asuka's.

Two out of the three hearts were still beating when the room itself was blasted apart. Debris and body parts flew everywhere.

The world and the people who called that world home followed suit, one by one. The screams and torment of their deaths went unheard.

Except for one being, who heard and felt all of their pain.

* * *

Rei shuddered and dropped to the theater floor as memories flooded into her mind. Memories of love, memories of dreams never realized, memories of good times and memories of bad times. And the final memories of pain and torment.

Shinji looked up from the storyboard he was currently tearing into small pieces. "Are you alright, Rei?"

Rei looked up at Shinji and nodded. "Yes, it's just a lot to absorb at one time."

Before Shinji could ask what Rei meant, Asuka started laughing and tossing around the torn up pieces of storyboards that Shinji had already reduced to toilet paper. "Now we can finally wipe ourselves off!"

The other three in the theater got such a disgusting picture in their minds that they completely lost interest in talking.

Shinji finished ripping up his new world, oblivious to Rei's occasional shudders and spasms-more because Rei was trying not to concern him, than because he didn't care. He added the last of the scraps to what Asuka would later name 'Mount TP'. "Well, we'll just call that a test world. Now I'll make the real one." He reached over and grabbed a stack of blank poster boards that had somehow appeared next to him.

"I still don't know what was wrong with that last one." Asuka huffed and crossed her arms. Then she stomped away into one of the thirteen corners to sulk.

Shinji watched her go before returning his attention to the storyboards. "Now then... I think a few changes are in order for this one."

Misato walked over and knelt down next to Shinji. "Shinji, it's not that I don't like kids, but I never pictured myself as a mother. So could you..."

Shinji looked up from the panel he was drawing out. "Um... yeah...

I guess I could make you barren."

Misato's eyes went wide. "No! Um... I mean just let me enjoy my twenties before I have to get stretch marks."

"That only gives you... what... a year or so?" Shinji regretted mentioning that the second Misato slapped him.

"I'm only twenty-three!" Misato snapped and rushed away from the bruised Shinji.

Shinji sighed. "There I go... always messing things up." He looked over at Rei. "Do you have any requests?"

Before Rei could respond, Asuka did from her corner. "I do!"

Shinji glared at the redhead. "If it has anything to do with rubber, leather, or whips... forget it!"

Asuka turned around and sulked some more.

Shinji turned to Rei. "Rei?"

Rei shook her head. "No, I trust you to make the right choice."

Shinji seemed a little surprised at hearing that and redoubled his concentration on making the best possible world for them. So engrossed in making the perfect world, Shinji didn't notice the ghostly apparitions of himself and his mother floating nearby watching him draw the panels onto the storyboards.

Of course, even if he looked up he wouldn't have seen them.

The ghostly form of Shinji looked away from himself towards his mother. "Why did Rei react like that?"

Yui put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder. "She's absorbing the memories of those who existed in the world you created."

Shinji frowned. "Why? It was a bust."

"Maybe, but those memories exist on a level that transcends the physical. You may be able to destroy the bodies and the physical worlds they inhabit, but the memories have to go somewhere."

The ghostly Shinji looked at Rei, who was sitting quietly and watching the other Shinji draw the storyboards. "Why Rei?"

"Because that is her place in Third Impact. You are the initiator and she is the vessel that holds the souls that are waiting for you to make a world for them. The memories of the worlds you make become a part of her mind and consciousness whenever you start over. The souls are held in her uterus awaiting the final memories you provide."

"She... she has all the souls within her? You make it sound like she's a mother."

Yui cocked her head. "A future mother, yes."

Shinji paled. "D... does that mean I'm the father?"

"Always thinking with your hormones, aren't you, my son?"

"No!" Shinji blurted.

"You are not technically the father. You're the creator of the world that Rei will populate."

Shinji absorbed this for a few moments before speaking. "I'm God then?"

Yui fell onto the floor and started laughing hysterically.

Shinji huffed and looked away. "You could have just said 'no'."

* * *

Asuka according to Shinji:

A kinky redheaded shrew who doesn't know when to stop


	22. Misato Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:4 - Misato Blows!

* * *

Misato according to Shinji:

A drunk who has no control over her life

* * *

Shinji's weary eyes looked up from the storyboards he had just finished. "There. There's no way that can backfire on me like the others have."

Amazingly, Asuka didn't comment on that. Of course, that might be due to the fact that she had been tied up, bound, gagged, and suspended from the ceiling after she attempted to make her own additions to the latest storyboards. The way the naked girl hung from the theater's ceiling was not unlike how the other Asuka had sent the other Shinji to his happy death. Of course, this Asuka would be let down from the ceiling. Eventually.

Rei and Misato walked up to Shinji and looked at the storyboards.

"Are you done?" Misato asked.

Shinji nodded. "Yes."

Misato reached for the storyboards, but Shinji pulled them away.

"I'd rather it be a surprise."

"Don't you want me to check it and see if there might be some problems in it?"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "You're not my teacher, you know!"

* * *

Asuka slipped her pajamas off and placed them into the basket in the outer room of the bathroom. Then she slid open the door to the room containing the bathtub. "Need me to scrub your back?"

Shinji looked down from his contemplation of the ceiling and smiled at Asuka. "Nawww... I'm fine."

Asuka smiled and then sat down on a little stool and began washing herself. Shinji watched as she rinsed herself off and then walked over to the tub. "Scoot over."

Shinji made room for her and then held his hand out to help her into the tub.

Asuka settled into the tub, letting the warm water spread out across her naked bosom. "Ahhhh..."

Shinji blushed and tried to avoid looking at her body. "So, what do you want to do today after school, Sis?"

"What about that..."

* * *

Asuka slugged Shinji hard, causing him to collapse to the theater floor. Apparently, they let her down too soon.

Shinji rubbed his bruised stomach and looked up at the angry redhead. "Wha'cha do that for?!"

"Why'd you make me your sister, you jerk?!"

Shinji frowned. "Huh? Well... you got so mad when I made you my girlfriend last time that I thought..."

"You made me a nymphomaniac with a rubber fetish!"

Rei tilted her head. "That was because you drew on the back of the storyboards, not because Shinji wanted to see you in a crotchless, thigh-revealing, open-breasted, rubber outfit."

Asuka opened her mouth to deny that, but shut it again when she realized Rei was right. Stupid clone...

Misato helped Shinji to his feet. "You know, Shinji, most brothers and sisters don't take baths together once they get to their teens."

Shinji scratched his head. "Really? Well... I never had a sister before."

Rei looked into Shinji's eyes. "Is that why you've made yourself a sister in each of the two worlds you've created since we first found ourselves in the theater?" She glanced at the reader. "Just the first two worlds you've created SO FAR, got it?"

Shinji looked awkwardly at Rei and Asuka. "Maybe... I just figured it'd be nice to have a sister."

"But why me?! What's wrong with Rei being your sister again?!"

Asuka screamed at the top of her lungs.

Shinji tried to figure out how Asuka's got her lungs out of her body to stand on them, but couldn't so he shook his head to clear the image. "Well, I just figured I'd give this setup a try. If it helps, you're only adopted. Since you're not Japanese, you couldn't really be my sister unless my father cheated on my mother or something."

Asuka looked ready to punch Shinji, but a comment from Misato stopped her from doing so.

"Why do you care so much, Asuka? After all, you said you didn't want to be his girlfriend."

Asuka looked indignantly at Misato. "I don't!"

"Well, let's get on with it then." Misato looked at Shinji. "Shall we?"

Shinji nodded.

"Well..." Asuka hesitated. "I just better not have Kensuke as a boyfriend."

Shinji shook his head. "You don't."

"Good..." Asuka crossed her arms over her breasts. "And not that moron Touji, either!"

Shinji looked a bit worried as he reentered his trance.

* * *

"Hi ya, Touji!" Asuka called out and waved as she and Shinji neared the school.

Touji smirked. "Hey, babe." He looked her over like a side of beef.

"How's my sexy girl?"

Asuka smirked. "Sexy as a very handsome boy I know."

Shinji rolled his eyes. These two are just so embarrassing. The world around them suddenly shuddered and skipped a beat as the Asuka in the theater pounded Shinji in a very sensitive spot. That being the small of his back. What? What did you think I meant, pervert?

When Shinji regained consciousness from Asuka's follow up kicks and punches, the world continued. The residents didn't even notice that Asuka was suddenly not Touji's girlfriend due to a quick change of the storyboards by Shinji, something only possible because the ink was still wet. Those changes were made at Asuka's insistence, of course. Shinji's mighty oak would be bent for days due to that 'insistence'. Okay, so I'm a pervert too.

Asuka saw Touji ahead and scowled. "That jerk better not look at me oddly like he always does."

Shinji laughed from Asuka's side. "He's got Hikari, why would he look at you?"

Asuka bashed Shinji over the head with her school bag. "You calling me ugly?"

Shinji rubbed his head. "No... I just meant he has someone else, so he wouldn't be looking for a hot chick like you."

"That's better." Asuka strode off towards school.

Shinji just can't win no matter which world or theater he's in.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Rei Ayanami," the blue haired girl said and then bowed to the class.

Trees rose around the classroom-including Shinji's polished oak-in appreciation of her not buttoning the top three buttons on her blouse, thus revealing more cleavage than most of the boys had seen in... well, in a day or so.

This fact did not escape Asuka's notice and she stood up. "Hey, Rei? My brother has the hots for you." She pointed at Shinji.

"Asuka!" Shinji shouted and tried to get up, but found his oak tree was wedged under his desk. He glanced at Rei and blushed.

Asuka smirked.

Rei laughed. "Judging by the fact that all the boys' desks just rose from the floor an inch or so, I'd say he's not alone."

A number of boys were suddenly bashed over their heads by their respective girlfriends.

"Owwww!" Touji blurted and rubbed his head. He leaned over and whispered to Hikari. "I was just picturing what you'd look like in an outfit like Rei's."

Hikari looked between Rei and her school uniform. "She's wearing the same uniform I am, dummy!"

Touji gulped loudly. Damn, now I'll have to give her some foreplay to make up for this.

The teacher cleared his throat and gestured to an empty seat in front of Shinji. "You can take that seat, Ms. Ayanami."

"Thank you." Rei walked to the seat and sat down. All around the classroom, the desks gradually lowered to the floor.

They rose again when a busty girl with long dark-blue hair rushed in. "I'm sorry I'm late... my... dog ate my alarm clock."

"Helllooooo, Misato!" the boys chorused as they always did when she arrived at school and in the classroom.

"Ms. Katsuragi, you are not dressed appropriately for class."

Misato frowned and looked down at her firm teenage body. "Huh?" She was in the regular girl's uniform, right down to the geeky socks and slippers.

The teacher blushed. "Your... um... support device."

Misato gasped in recognition. The desks of the boys rose further into the air in recognition of Misato's unrestrained breasts. Misato looked awkwardly at the class. "Um... my dog ate it."

The teacher sighed. "Fine.. fine... give me your homework and take your seat."

"Um... my dog ate my homework." Misato smiled awkwardly at the teacher.

The teacher knew he should get up and scold Misato, but that would reveal his mighty dutch elm. "Two D-cups...err... two buckets in the hall. Now."

Misato muttered something that even her ample bosom wouldn't be able to keep her from being expelled if the teacher heard her. She harrumphed as she spun around and stomped into the hall.

"Hey, the dog ate her panties too!"

Misato pushed down her skirt and thought of her dog. That stupid Kaji. Why does that mutt have to always chew my favorite things up? -E- -V- -A-

In the theater, Misato was debating whether to kiss Shinji for making her a teenager or kill him for making Kaji a dog. "Shinji, I'm glad you made me a teenager-even if my body looked the same as it does now-but..."

Asuka laughed. "Minus a twenty or thirty pounds, you mean."

Asuka stopped laughing when a twenty to thirty-pound fist hit her.

Misato looked back at Shinji. "Now then... I appreciate being a teenager, but making Kaji my dog?"

Shinji smiled awkwardly. "Um... I didn't mean to. I meant to make him kind, obedient, and faithful."

Rei nodded. "That is what you asked for when he was drawing the storyboards, Ms. Katsuragi." She pointed at the storyboards on the floor.

Misato hesitated. "Um... yeah, but I still wanted him to be human."

"Will that really change your love life?" Asuka asked and then doubled over from another twenty to thirty-pound punch.

"Is that a no?" Rei asked, confused at the altercation.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Misato had to deal with her skirt being 'accidentally' flipped up. The boys-and one girl-doing it were very disappointed when they discovered she had gotten an extra pair of panties from the school nurse. Well, maybe not that disappointed, it was still a spectacular sight even with panties.

After school, Misato managed to shake the boys from her tail by hiding behind a water fountain in the schoolyard. Once she was sure they were gone, she stood up and looked around a nearby corner. She gasped when she saw Shinji talking to the new girl. What was her name? Rei...

something. She slipped back behind the corner and rested her back against the wall. Why is he hitting on her? Why can't he ever hit on me? She was breathing heavily when Shinji walked around the corner and ran into her. They fell backwards together and Misato ended up falling into the fountain.

"Ack! Sorry, Misato! Um... I didn't see you there." Shinji held out his hand and helped Misato out of the fountain. He blushed when her wet blouse gave him a view of something every boy in the school except him claimed to have seen, touched, and fondled. His oak tree rose to the occasion.

Misato smiled awkwardly. "That's okay. Um...is something wrong?"

she asked when Shinji turned away from her.

"No... um... I'm just really sorry," Shinji stammered. She'll freak if she knows I saw her nipples. So nice and hard, yearning to break free. Oh, to feel the freedom of those mighty nipples! Misato interrupted Shinji's little internal wet fantasy. "Oh...

um... could you do me a favor?"

"What?" Shinji replied without looking at her.

"Can you stand watch for me while I wring out my clothes?"

Shinji gulped loudly, causing the walls of the school to shake.

"Um..."

"Please, I can't go anywhere like this."

Shinji glanced briefly back at Misato and confirmed that he could still see her glorious chest through her wet blouse. His mighty oak strained the seams of his pants as it tried to escape. "Um... okay."

"Thanks... shout if someone comes."

Beads of sweat were dripping off Shinji's forehead as he scanned the schoolyard for anyone. Fortunately, it was late enough after school that there weren't many students around. The two he did see were in the distance and walking away from them. He winced at each sound that he heard from behind him. Sounds of clothes ruffling as they were pulled off Misato's tight teenage body assailed his ears. Sounds of cloth being rung out permeated his mind. And even sounds of two breasts bouncing slightly as they were revealed to his back were heard by his mind. My back gets all the fun.

Misato frowned as she slipped her skirt back on. He must be gay or something not to have even peeked. She looked down at her naked chest.

Or maybe he doesn't like girls with big breasts. That Rei girl is pretty small.

Shinji gulped as he heard Misato's blouse slide over her nipples.

Dammit... if only I had a chance with her. I'm just the trustworthy 'pal' that she could trust not to peek. She'd never do this if she thought of me as a man. His tree fell onto the forest floor and lay still.

"All done. Thanks, Shinji," Misato said as she slipped around his side.

Shinji smiled nervously at her. "Um... no problem. Anytime." He stiffly walked away.

Misato frowned. "He must be gay after all."

Unseen by Shinji or Misato, a short, geeky looking boy slipped out of a nearby tree and ran from the area with his camera.

* * *

The next morning, Shinji and Asuka strolled up to the school and stopped when they saw a crowd around a bulletin board.

Asuka poked her head into the crowd. "What's up?"

After the students saw Asuka and Shinji, they parted and revealed the contents of the Board to them.

"What the..."

"Oh crap!"

On the board were several pictures of the naked Misato standing behind Shinji, who was always shown from the waist up. In the photos Misato was obviously coming onto Shinji with sexy poses that would have popped the top off Shinji's tree if he had seen what she was doing the day before.

Asuka looked at her brother. "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday after school," Shinji replied in a trembling voice.

"Damn, you were pretty calm considering what she did."

"I... um... was just standing watch while she wrung out her wet clothes."

Asuka looked back at the pictures. "Um... that's not what she's doing." She tilted her head to the side to get a better look at one of Misato's positions.

"I can see that now! I didn't know she was doing gymnastics behind me yesterday!" Shinji titled his head and swore to himself. I should have looked. His mighty oak agreed with him.

* * *

Once the principal found out about the pictures he removed them and sent Shinji home for the day. Since Misato hadn't shown up for school, Shinji decided to drop by her apartment to check her out... err... check on her.

He knocked on her door and waited. This is so messed up. "Shinji?" Misato said as she opened the door. She was dressed in a long robe and holding it closed tightly with her hands. She looked around to see if there was anyone around. "Maybe you shouldn't be here.

My parents found out about the pictures... they're really mad." She held onto the collar of a big brown and white dog, which was growling at Shinji.

Shinji smiled nervously, looking between Misato and the dog. "Yeah, mine will probably be too. I.. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Misato frowned. "Yeah... so why did you do it?"

Shinji looked confused. "Do what?"

"Set me up like that?"

"Huh?"

"Get me wet and then trick me into getting naked so your friend could take nude pictures of me." She tightened her grip on her robe and on the dog's collar, both were threatening to spring forward. If she let go of both, Shinji would at least die happy.

Shinji's eyes widened in surprise. "What?! I didn't! It was an accident... I don't know who took the pictures, honest!"

"Why else would you ignore me like that then?"

Shinji blushed and looked down at the ground. "Um... well..."

"You're gay, right?"

Shinji's brain blew up. "Gaaaaa... gaaaaa... what? N... no!"

"Then why?"

"Um... I just wanted to be a gentleman."

Misato looked at Shinji, trying to see if he was telling the truth.

"Really?"

"Yeah. If I had known what you were doing... well I would have probably fainted, but I'd have enjoyed it."

Misato smiled. "I was afraid you liked that Rei girl."

Sensing his owner's mood change, Kaji stopped growling.

Shinji shrugged. "She's nice, but I just met her."

"Oh... what do you think of me, Shinji?" Misato asked, looking bashfully at the ground.

"Um... well.. you're every guy's wet dream."

Misato blinked loudly twice. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Kaji started growling again.

Shinji blushed as he realized what he just said. "Um... I mean... I like you and all, but I realize you're out of my league."

"What gives you that idea?"

Shinji gulped. "Well... all the guys say you've come on to them and done it with them and licked their..."

Misato smirked. "Only in their wet dreams." She winked.

Shinji let out a little laugh. "So... you're a virgin?"

"Like most of those boys probably are, yes."

"Wow..."

"There's only one boy I really like." Misato's eyes briefly flicked up to look at Shinji, but soon resumed their analysis of the ground.

"Who?"

Misato fell to the side in shock. "Who do you think?!"

Shinji concentrated. "Touji... no he's too big of a jerk. Kensuke maybe. Or that little Makoto..."

"It's you, dummy!" Misato snapped as she got back to her feet.

"No, it has to be Ka..." Shinji's voice trailed off as Misato flung open her robe. "Gaaaaa..."

* * *

Asuka laughed as she looked away from the viewpoint. "I wonder how long he'll last this time?"

Misato stood proudly by Asuka side. "Not too long. Compared to me, you're an amateur."

"You're right, I'm not a slut like you are."

Misato pulled her hand back to slap Asuka, but stopped when Rei spoke.

"Actually, in the two worlds Shinji's created, the first Asuka was obviously a very experienced slut. But this Misato-" Rei gestured at the viewpoint in front of them. "-is a virgin, so the chances of her killing Shinji like that slutty Asuka did are very remote."

"Who are you calling a slut!"

"The Asuka from Shinji's first world."

"She's not a slut!"

"Oh, so you consider her actions normal?" Rei cocked her head to the side.

"Yes... no... I mean, I'm not a slut!"

"I didn't say you were. I said that other Asuka is a slutty whore who would sleep with anything hard and long."

Asuka opened her mouth, but shut it when she decided she couldn't win this argument. Stupid clone...

* * *

Misato stood in her doorway with her robe spread wide open. Her eyes were clenched shut tight in embarrassment. "There... now do you get it? I like you and wanted you to notice me!"

There was no response.

Misato opened her eyes and looked down to see Shinji sprawled out on the ground, a pool of blood forming by his nose. "I hope he's not dead..."

Kaji sniffed Shinji's body.

Something twitched on Shinji.

Misato smiled at the sign of life from Shinji's oak tree. "He really does like me!"

Kaji growled and bit into Shinji's pants to catch the 'mouse' he thought he saw moving inside them.

"Kaji, don't!" Misato jumped forward and pulled Kaji away from Shinji's groin before he could eat the mouse. She looked crossly at Kaji and swatted the Cocker Spaniel's nose. "Bad boy, that's a toy for me, not you." She blushed as she realized what she had just said.

* * *

A week later after Shinji's suspension was over, Shinji and Asuka walked towards the school. As they crossed the threshold of the school gate, a girl glomped onto Shinji.

"Welcome back, Shinji."

Shinji smiled. "Um.. thanks, Misato." He looked nervously around and saw that all of the boys were throwing daggers at him. He dropped to the ground, pulling Misato and Asuka with him. The daggers flashed over their heads, harmlessly. Well, except for the oak tree they hit and caused to shrivel up and die. That is, a real oak tree made out of wood, not a body appendage.

Asuka laughed. "Looks like the boys are mad at Shinji for getting the school's second sexiest girl."

"Why thank you, Asuka, I've only been here a week, but it's nice to know I'm number one already."

Asuka looked behind her for the source of the voice and saw the new girl. "I meant me."

Rei raised an eyebrow, but before she could reply Shinji spoke.

"Don't fight over me girls." As Shinji got up, he puffed out his chest.

"My brother, the egomaniac," Asuka commented.

* * *

Shinji collapsed to the floor of the theater and sighed. "That isn't exactly what I planned."

Rei looked down at Shinji. "What did you plan?"

"Well... um..." Shinji quickly changed the subject. "I wonder if changing who Touji's girlfriend was might have changed how things turned out."

Asuka glared at Shinji. "I still haven't forgiven you for that, you jerk!"

Shinji groaned. Why did I ever want her as a sister? He paused as another thought occurred to him. Why did I ever want her? Misato knelt down next to Shinji and took his hand in hers.

"Shinji, I appreciate you wanting to be my boyfriend. I mean, who could blame you for wanting this great bod." She struck a pose. "But I really would prefer to be with Kaji. As a human, okay?" She squeezed his hand.

Hard.

Shinji grimaced as his hand was squeezed tighter than a Republican's anus. "I... I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make him a dog."

Misato smiled and released Shinji's hand. "I know."

"Why are you being so nice? He made Kaji a dog!" Asuka ranted.

Shinji shook his hand. That was her being nice? "What use is there in getting angry?" Misato asked, stumping Asuka.

"We're all in this together and yelling at Shinji isn't going to help."

She scratched her stomach. "Although, I could really use a beer. It seems like forever since I've had a good buzz."

Shinji looked sadly at Misato, picturing all the times he had to clean up her messes when she went on one of her frequent drinking binges. I never did figure out how she managed to vomit in all those odd places. I can understand behind the dresser, but how on earth did she vomit inside the light fixture above the table? "But don't you feel better not having hangovers all the time?"

Misato nodded hesitantly. "Yeah, sorta... But there are times when a good buzz really would help things around here." She looked at the storyboards. "Like trying to get over having Kaji as a pet. Let's try again, shall we?"

"Ok..." Shinji stood up and walked over to the storyboards. Damn, that one wasn't that bad either. Well, I'll just fix all the problems and make an even better world. He gripped the edge of the storyboard and began to tear them.

Rei shuddered.

* * *

Shinji was leaning in for his first kiss when Misato suddenly exploded and disgorged the contents of her body directly into Shinji's face.

"Sppppffftt... sphffttttt..." Shinji spat out Misato's tongue and looked down to see her breasts resting on his feet. "What..." was all he had time to say before his own body was ripped apart. The room and world around it followed soon after.

* * *

In the theater, Shinji slept peacefully and dreamt of his perfect world. Everything was peaceful and calm, everyone loved one another, and-most importantly-no one ever yelled at him or twisted his penis.

It was perfect. And he could see what made it perfect with such a clarity that you'd think it was spelled out in big letters across the sky, which it was. In his dream, there were large letters written across the sky reading 'To make your perfect world, do the following:' followed by detailed instructions, including an 800 number to call in case of problems. It was one of those alphanumeric numbers: 1-800-3-IMPACT Shinji's eyes eased open. "Yeah... that's it! That's how I can make a perfect world. It's so easy!" So happy with figuring out how to finally make his perfect world, he sat up quickly without looking first.

He gasped and fell back to the theater floor when his head hit something warm and hard, but at the same time it also felt soft.

"Ouch, you hit me in my most private spot!"

A dazed Shinji rubbed his sore forehead and looked up to see Asuka straddling his head, rubbing the part that he had just smashed his head against. "Gaaaaa..."

Asuka idly continued to rub her sore spot. "You jerk, look before you sit up next time." She looked down. "Look, it's all red and sore now."

Shinji made the mistake of looking and theater floor was sprinkled with blood shortly after. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Asuka asked, still rubbing.

Shinji sighed and looked away. "Never mind. Now to draw that perfect world." He slid over the blank storyboards and picked up the nearby marker. "Now then..." He put the tip of the marker on the paper.

"Ummmm... how did that start again?" He frowned. "Um..." He dropped the marker. "Shit! You made me forget the dream I had!"

Asuka continued to rub herself as she watched Shinji to bang his head repeatedly against the floor. "Well, at least banging the floor won't hurt as much as banging me."

The readers face-faulted.

* * *

Shinji danced across a field of flowers, naked as the day he was born and the day he woke up in the theater. He ran into the arms of Rei, Asuka, and Misato; all of them were in their early teens, naked, and very well proportioned. Meaning they were even more stacked that normal.

YES, that is possible. "Hi ya girls!"

"Hi ya, Shinji!" the three girls chorused.

"So what do you want to do today?" Shinji asked as he gave them all a hug.

"Make love to you, of course!"

Shinji grinned and then looked around to see Hikari, Ritsuko, Maya, and an assortment of other young, naked teenage girls running towards him. "Life is good."

* * *

Shinji grunted when three naked women slapped, kicked, and became disappointed with him.

Misato's slap snapped Shinji's head back like a limp Chinese noodle. "What kind of world is that?!"

Asuka's kick just barely missed its target and hit his lower stomach instead. "You jerk! Just one girl isn't enough for you, huh?"

Rei shook her head in disappointment. "Is that really the perfect world you wanted, Shinji?"

Shinji rubbed his stomach and face at the same time, proving he wasn't drunk. The cop let him off with a warning and sped out of the theater without citing him for CWUI-Creating Worlds Under the Influence. "No... but I forgot the perfect world I had dreamt of when I hit my head on Asuka's... um... well... When I hit my head this morning."

Rei tilted her head. "What did you hit?"

Shinji opened his mouth to speak, but shut it when Asuka managed to land the kick she had tried to land earlier. Shinji crumpled to the ground.

"A crotch for a crotch, that's my motto," Asuka remarked, rubbing her still sore spot. Shinji's head is so thick. Misato looked oddly at Asuka, wondering why she chose that moment to masturbate. I miss Kaji.

* * *

Much, much later, Shinji tore up a set of storyboards and tossed them onto the growing pile that was Mount TP. His destruction of his latest perfect world finished, he put his head in his hands and sobbed.

"Who would have thought a world without guns would be that bad?"

Rei put a comforting hand on Shinji's back. "You couldn't have known that without guns, that fascist Mother Teresa would have taken over the world and her and her descendants would make sex slaves of us all."

Shinji's shoulders slumped. "What was that? A hundred and twenty-five worlds so far... all busts."

"No, there was that one world where all the girls were flat-chested," Rei remarked, straight-faced.

Shinji stared at Rei for several seconds, trying to figure out if she was kidding or not. As usual, he couldn't tell. "Now what do I do?"

"I don't know."

Shinji sighed. "Misato wants Kaji as a human... that's no problem.

Asuka... well, Asuka's not going to get her whole list." He glanced over at a pile of notepads that Asuka had written her demands on. It was leaning over precariously, threatening to destroy Mount TP. Shinji looked at Rei. "Don't you want anything?"

Rei shook her head.

"Surely there is something that would make you happy?"

Rei thought for a moment. "I don't know what happiness is."

Shinji opened his mouth to reply, before he decided he didn't really know either. Maybe that's the problem... I've never really been happy. He looked around the theater, as if to find an answer. Although it is kind of nice being here in this theater. Just me and the girls. "Hey, butt-wad! Are you done yet?!" Asuka asked from across the theater.

Shinji's eye twitched. She is sure annoying for a figment of my imagination. Or is she? I've never been able to remember if she died during Third Impact or not... I keep having some dreams where she dies and some where I pull her out of Unit Two alive. Asuka stormed up and looked at the blank poster boards. "You haven't done anything! Get going!"

Shinji looked up at the angry redhead and made a decision. Maybe that's the key that my dreams have been trying to tell me. -E- -V- -A-

Shinji walked casually towards the school and waved when he saw Kensuke and Touji in front, chatting up a couple girls. "Morning guys.

Um.. Touji, you should be careful or Hi..."

Shinji's warning was too late. Hikari's school bag impacted Touji's face before he could finish. "Jerk, you have me and yet you still hit on anything with breasts!"

Touji rubbed his face. "Sorry." The blond-haired girl he was talking to made a hasty retreat.

Shinji smiled and noticed that Kensuke was still chatting up Maya, oblivious to Touji's foot tasting. When his name was called out, he looked towards the school gate and saw Rei standing there. When she noticed he had seen him, she struck a sexy pose and winked at him. I am so lucky to have a fox like her for a girlfriend. "Oh... oh... here's the happy couple," Touji remarked as Misato and Kaji came into view behind Rei. They were holding hands and making lovey-dovey faces at each other. "Man... those two are so embarrassing."

"You could try being as sweet as Kaji is!" Her school bag hitting Touji's head punctuated Hikari's statement.

"Urk..."

Misato bounced up to them dragging Kaji behind her. Her firm teenage breasts bounced just a second behind the rest of her. "Hi, gang!"

"Hi, Misato!" everyone chorused. Hikari hit Touji over the head when his 'hi' came out like a proposition to do the nasty with him.

Mostly since he had said, "Hi, Misato, want to do the nasty with me?"

The others all laughed at Touji's pain.

"Maybe you should just neuter him, Hikari," Rei suggested.

Hikari smiled at Rei. "Don't tempt me."

The school bell rang and the gang all cheerfully strolled to school together.

Behind a nearby bush, a small shorthaired boy watched the gang walk away. Or to be more precise, he watched one of them walk away.

"Still lusting after Misato, huh?" a taller boy with long hair remarked as he appeared behind the first boy.

The boy flinched and fell forward at his friend's sudden appearance. He looked up from where he had fallen. "I've told you not to do that."

The tall boy smiled. "Yeah, but where would the fun be in that?" He looked at the retreating gang of kids. "Give it up. Misato only has eyes for that Kaji fellow. I hear they do it twice a day."

"No! She would never do anything like that! She's saving herself for me."

The tall boy laughed. "You're living in a fantasy world, pal."

Back in the theater, Shinji sneezed.

The tall boy helped the other boy to his feet and then set off for the school's entrance. "Let's get to class."

The boy sighed. Somehow, I'll make her mine! The tall boy stopped suddenly and looked back as his friend, who was now laughing maniacally. I really have to find him a girlfriend. When the maniacal laughter went into its second minute, he amended his thoughts. Fast.

* * *

Shinji came out of his trance and smiled. "Well, that's going good so far."

"Thank you for giving me Kaji, Shinji." Misato leaned over and gave Shinji a peck on his cheek.

Shinji shrugged. "If that makes you happy, why not?"

"I'm confused, Shinji," Rei said, flatly.

"Why?"

"You've made me your girlfriend."

Shinji ran his hand through his hair nervously. "Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Well, I want you to be happy."

"And being YOUR girlfriend will accomplish that how?!" Asuka stomped over.

Shinji looked awkwardly between Rei and Asuka. "Well... um... since protecting her as my sister didn't seem to work, I figured that... um...

that I'd give this a try."

"Oh..." Rei said. If Shinji recognized the slight sound of disappointment in her voice, he didn't show it.

"So where am I?"

Shinji avoided Asuka's glare. "Um... you'll show up eventually." As Shinji turned away to return to his trance, a thought flashed across his mind. Hopefully not too soon, my penis is still sore from the last time she twisted it.

* * *

As usual, Misato and Kaji walked home from school together. They talked about everything under the sun while holding hands. Although they really wanted to jump each other's bones, but they had found it was awkward to do that while walking home.

Unseen by either of them a figure dressed all in black slipped from tree to tree, carefully watching their every move and listening to every word they said.

"So can you come over after my dad goes to his meeting tonight?"

Misato asked hopefully.

Kaji smiled and scratched the fuzz on his chin he called a beard.

"Yeah, wouldn't miss it." He looked around and then leaned down and gave Misato a long kiss.

Misato purred as the kiss ended. "About nine, then?" She winked.

Kaji nodded and stole another quick kiss before walking away towards his home.

The black-clad figure followed Misato the rest of the way to her apartment and waited.

* * *

Misato lay on her bed, nervously tearing the lace from an old pillow. She glanced at the clock near her bed and found it was still the same time as it was when she checked it ten seconds earlier. Still a half-hour to go. She looked down at her body, which was covered by a long T-shirt and pair of panties. Maybe I should have borrowed something from Ritsuko, she has all those sexy things. She frowned as something occurred to her. But she doesn't have a boyfriend... at least I don't think she does. I wonder why she has all those things? She sighed. Maybe I'll ask Maya sometime, she seems to spend a lot of time with Ritsuko.

Her thoughts were interrupted when the lights in her room suddenly went out.

"Kaji?" Misato started to rise, but felt a hand push her back down.

"Kaji? You're early."

A hand was placed over her mouth. "Shhhhh..."

Misato tingled with excitement as she felt her T-shirt pushed up.

Not long after, Kaji's mouth descended on her right nipple while his hand played with her left one. "Ahhhh... that feels so good."

After three point four-five minutes of foreplay, Misato felt a long slender object thrust to her lips. He's moving so fast tonight. Well, he knows how I like the taste of Mr. Palm Tree. Misato opened wide and lived up to the title of this part. And then some.

She pulled back when her jaw became sore. "Huh?" She examined the tree with her hands. "What the..." She squinted. "When did you get this big, Kaji?"

"Oh shit!" a voice replied in a voice that Misato didn't recognize.

The figure stumbled backwards and fell off the bed.

Misato reached for the lamp by the bed and turned on the light.

"Who... who are you?"

The figure was dressed all in black, a mask hiding his face except for his eyes. Those eyes were wide open in fear. Either that or he was staring at Misato's naked chest. It was probably a little of both.

Misato noticed his stare and quickly pulled her T-shirt down to cover her large breasts, the still hard nipples showed clearly through the sweat soaked white fabric.

For some reason known only to God and Sports Illustrated, this made her appear even sexier than being completely nude. The figure's tree stiffened and spurted its seed across the bed and Misato.

It was at that moment that Misato got a good look at the aforementioned tree. "Wow..." She tilted her head.

"Um.. sorry..." the figure muttered, barely loud enough to be heard. He backed up towards the door, zipping up his fly in the process.

He was suddenly pushed forward when the door behind him was opened.

"Hi, honey, hope you didn't start with... out... me..." Kaji stammered the end of his greeting when he saw Misato kneeling on the bed, covered in a milky white substance. His gaze fell to the floor where the black-clad figure was finishing zipping up his fly. "What the... you're cheating on me?"

Misato gasped and reached out towards Kaji, pleadingly. "No... I don't... he tricked... I don't even know who he is!"

Kaji reached down and lifted the figure by his shirt. "We'll see who the bastard is then!" He grabbed for the mask, but the figure twisted out of his grip and ran for the door. Kaji managed to grab the black coat the figure was wearing and pulled it off. "What the..." he gasped when he saw what was under the black coat.

Misato gasped in recognition as well. "That's our school uniform!"

* * *

The next day, Misato walked towards the gymnasium with the school's principal. She looked very nervous. "Do I have to do this?"

"It's the only way."

Misato sighed. "But why does Kaji have to be there? I know he didn't do it."

"To avoid suspicion," the principal explained and threw open the door to the gymnasium. "Now remember not to speak."

Misato nodded and then blushed when she saw the sight that greeted her. Lined up in neat rows was the school's entire male student body.

And they were without a doubt all males, as proven by their manhoods dangling between their legs. In addition to being naked below the waist and having their pants around their ankles, they also had hoods over their heads. A dozen or so male teachers were scattered around the room to keep everyone in line.

"Please identify the perpetrator." The principal gestured to the sea of penises before Misato. They came in all sizes, shapes, and colors. "Um... you with the green penis, please see the nurse immediately."

The green-penised boy was led out by one of the teachers.

Misato swallowed hard and slowly walked towards the boys. She looked at the first boy and shook her head. The next two also received negative indications from her. The fourth had her puzzled, so she grabbed the penis in her hand and squeezed. Maybe. A half-hour later, Misato had narrowed it down to eleven boys, but couldn't figure out which one it was, despite being very through in her visual and tactile examinations. She had given up hope of finding the boy when the principal made a suggestion.

Reluctantly, Misato wrapped her mouth around the first of the finalists. She shook her head after finishing and moved onto the next one to continue living up to this part's title. By the time she finished number seven, her jaw was very sore. Damn... this is pointless. "Next!"

Misato sighed and rubbed her jaw before wrapping her lips around the latest suspect. After several seconds, her eyes went wide. She quickly backed away from the large member, which was even larger than when she started. She pointed at the erect penis and opened and closed her mouth, soundlessly.

The principal walked over. "This is the one?"

Misato nodded.

The principal gestured to the teachers and the other boys were quickly led out of the gymnasium, not even having time to pull up their pants from around their ankles. Some disappointed mutterings were heard from the three Misato never got to. After the screams from the girls'

baseball team that was practicing right outside the gym trailed off, the principal spoke. "Now then, let's see who this is." He pulled the mask off the half-naked boy.

Misato gasped when she recognized the shorthaired boy under the mask. "Makoto?"

* * *

In the theater, the other Misato had about the same reaction.

"Makoto? He... he'd never do something like that."

Asuka pointed at Shinji's penis. "Bring him out of his trance and let him have it."

Misato lifted her hand, but Rei slid between the two women and the appendage in question. "No you can bring him out by just touching his shoulder."

Misato smiled. "That's what I was going to do."

Asuka shook her head. "You both need to learn to have more fun."

Rei frowned. "How is savagely twisting his penis fun?"

Asuka grinned broadly. "Try it and find out."

Rei turned around and looked at the only penis in the theater.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Not at all. It's a warm squishy feeling."

"I mean him, doesn't it hurt him?" Rei asked as she closely examined Shinji's manhood. Very closely. Close enough that she was a hair's width from getting this part renamed 'Rei Blows'. Get the picture? Good, can you send me a dozen eight by tens? Thanks.

"That's part of the fun."

"That's enough girls," Misato intoned as she touched Shinji on his shoulder.

Shinji blinked a few times and then looked down to see Rei staring intently at his penis. "Um... what are you doing, Rei?"

"Looking at your penis," Rei replied without looking away from the object under scrutiny.

Shinji gulped. "Why?"

"To see if it would be fun to twist it."

Shinji turned his head and looked at Asuka. "You put her up to this, didn't you?"

Asuka did her best 'who me?' expression, which didn't even fool herself.

Shinji sighed. "Rei, I think it's safe to assume that it isn't fun." His tree twitched. "Especially for me."

"If you say so." Rei's eyes remained fixed on Shinji's appendage.

Why does it twitch? She blew on it, causing it to twitch again.

Fascinating.

"Um... can you stop looking at it?"

Rei's eyes looked up. "Okay, but I never knew penises were so interesting."

Shinji smiled nervously. "Yeah.. well... eep!" His voice rose several octaves when Rei grabbed his penis.

"For instance, this flesh around the shaft looks to be as sensitive as the folds in my own vagina." She rubbed the sides and then touched the tip. "And the tip..."

Misato cleared her throat. "Rei, that's enough. Just don't twist it, okay?"

Rei let go of Shinji's penis and stood up. "Okay."

A momentary look of disappointment crossed Shinji's face.

"Thanks..." He looked at Misato. "Maybe you could... have a little talk with Rei sometime? You know about the birds and the bees?"

"I'm not her mother!" Misato insisted.

Rei looked at the viewpoint and then back at Shinji's penis. "Why is Makoto's penis so much larger?"

Shinji flinched and covered himself.

Misato looked closely at the viewpoint. "Wow, you're right." She looked back at Shinji. "Why did you make him so big?"

"Um... I didn't really get that detailed..." Shinji glanced at the storyboards. "But that seems to be about right. I um.. saw him a few times in the NERV baths."

"Checking out the other guys, huh?" Asuka remarked with a lecherous leer on her face.

"NO!" Shinji blurted, blushing. "I... I just noticed it, that's all."

Misato put a hand on Shinji's shoulder to calm him down. "Don't worry about it Shinji, girls used to check me out all the time. It's one of the side effects of being as well endowed as I am."

Asuka opened her mouth to speak, but shut it when Misato gave her a 'shut up or I'll punch you again' look.

"Well... um..." Shinji looked back at the frozen viewpoint. "Maybe we should start over?"

"No... let's see how things go. No major harm done." Misato looked at the viewpoint and tilted her head. "Boy, if I knew he was that big, I'd have given him a roll..." She suddenly realized she was speaking out loud when her three theater-mates looked at her with expressions of amusement, shock, and confusion.

"Do you usually put them into bread rolls?" Rei asked, looking at Shinji's hot dog.

Misato chose not to answer that.

* * *

At lunch the topic between the boys was fairly easy to guess. The gang-which consisted of Touji, Hikari, Kensuke, Maya, Shinji, Rei, Misato, and Kaji-sat around the old oak tree in the schoolyard and discussed events.

"Who do you think the girl was?" Shinji asked.

"I don't know, but man she was good," Touji remarked. That comment earned him a pounding by Hikari.

Misato blushed.

Maya twiddled her fingers and looked nervously at Kensuke. "Did...

did you like it, Kensuke?"

Kensuke frowned. "She didn't do anything to me. It's just not fair!"

Touji smirked. "Too bad, pal, it was heaven." He was promptly hit again.

Misato blushed more and slid closer to Kaji. I can't believe Touji and Shinji were in the final group. Rei and Hikari are very lucky. She unconsciously glanced at Kaji's groin. Well, Kaji has other good qualities... it's not the size that matters. She shook her head to clear it of the images of the eleven finalists and their eleven-inch penises. That's the average size between them, of course. The chance of having eleven boys with eleven-inch penises in the same school is extremely unlikely. About as unlikely as a fourteen year old boy being given the responsibility to determine the future of mankind while surrounded by three beautiful, naked women.

Maya looked nervously at Touji. "So she really... um.. sucked...

um... it?"

Touji nodded and waited for the hit from his girlfriend. It never came. Guess she's not angry anymore.

Rei looked at Shinji. "Why did you let her do it, Shinji?"

Shinji gulped. "Sorry, but they forced us. I didn't like it."

Misato frowned and opened her mouth to insist that it was probably the best blowjob he's ever gotten, but caught herself in time.

Shinji leaned over and whispered to Rei. "You're much better."

Rei blushed and looked around to make sure he hadn't been heard.

"So, Rei's better, huh, Shinji?" Two girls whacked Touji this time.

"I doubt it."

Everyone looked at Misato, who was blushing at letting that slip out.

"Um... I mean... well, um..."

Touji's eyes narrowed. "Do you know who the girl was?"

"No... it just sounds like she's experienced,"

"Yeah, she must be a big whore," Touji said, laughing. The laughing stopped when Misato and Hikari smashed his face in.

"Pervert! That poor girl had to do that just to find the boy who accosted her!"

Misato nodded. "Yeah... show some sympathy!"

Kaji reached out and grabbed Misato's hand, squeezing it to comfort his girlfriend. She squeezed back.

Kensuke looked towards the main gate. "So what's going to happen to Makoto?"

Hikari sighed. "He's going to be kicked out, but they say the victim isn't pressing charges. I guess she just wants to forget the whole thing."

"Yeah..." Misato whispered to herself.

* * *

Misato ran naked through a field of penises, all standing up tall and proud. As she and her bouncing breasts passed the penises, they spasmed and their seeds were spurted into the air, covering her from head to toe in the milky white substance. She cried out in joy as orgasm after orgasm shook her body.

She reached the end of the field of wet dreams and stopped in front of a little super deformed Kaji, who was giving his little twig a good shellacking without much result. "What am I going to do with you?" She reached down and snapped the twig off and threw it away.

Kaji awoke and sat up in the bed, sweating profusely. He looked down at his twig and sighed. "She'll never be satisfied with me again after all those huge guys."

* * *

Misato ran naked through a field of penises, all standing up tall and proud. As she and her bouncing breasts passed the penises, they spasmed and their seeds were spurted into the air, covering her from head to toe in the milky white substance. She cried out in pain as the cum stung her eyes.

She reached the end of the field of wet dreams and stopped in front of a little super deformed Kaji, who was giving his little twig a good shellacking without much result. "What am I going to do with you?" She leaned down and wrapped her mouth around the twig. It instantaneously became a mighty maple and spread its seed into her mouth.

Misato spasmed as a warm feeling flowed down her leg. She sat up in her bed, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "Wow..."

* * *

Shinji came out of his trance and looked around. When he saw Misato sitting on the floor looking very depressed he hesitated, uncertain what he could do or say to help. "Um... sorry."

Misato wiped a tear off her cheek. "No... no... it's not your fault. I just hope things turn out okay for her."

"HA! I bet she starts turning tricks now that she's had a taste of all those huge pricks."

"I didn't after college, so I don't see why this should be any different."

Shinji's jaw dropped open.

"You mean you blew a lot of guys in college?" Asuka asked, smirking slightly as if a deeply held suspicion about the older woman was confirmed inside her.

"No." Misato shook her head.

"Then what?" Shinji asked, kneeling in front of Misato.

"When I was in college... I drank a lot."

"So what else is new?" Asuka commented, earning an angry glare from Shinji and Misato.

Misato continued. "I.. had these periods where I'd get drunk and do things..."

"You don't have to tell us this..."

Misato looked up into Shinji's eyes. "Well, let's just say that when I get really drunk I tend to get..."

Shinji smiled nervously. "Yeah... I remember."

Misato frowned. "I never did anything with you when I was drunk, did I?"

"No."

Asuka laughed. "Don't sound so disappointed there, Shin-boy."

"Shut up!" Shinji snapped.

Asuka looked at the viewpoint. "Well, go into your little trance so we can finally get to my appearance. Things are pretty boring so far."

Shinji gulped loudly.

* * *

"Asuka, I'm home!" Shinji called out as he came in his front door.

He had just taken off his shoes when a red blur tackled him and started to lick his face. "Missed me, huh?"

Asuka barked once in agreement.

Yes, she barked.

Shinji reached up and ruffled the large dog's thick red hair.

"That's my girl."

Asuka barked again and then licked Shinji's face.

Needless to say, this was going to hurt the Shinji in the theater.

A lot.

* * *

Misato according to Shinji:

A sweet and caring person. When she's not drunk, that is.


	23. The Girls All Blow!

Garden of Eva 2:5 - The Girls All Blow!

* * *

The girls according to Shinji:

Annoying, naked, and I wish they'd stop fooling around with my penis.

* * *

"Asuka, I'm home!" Shinji called out as he came in his front door.

He had just taken off his shoes when a red blur tackled him and started to lick his face. "Missed me, huh?"

Asuka barked once in agreement.

Yes, she barked.

Shinji reached up and ruffled the large dog's thick red hair.

"That's my girl."

Asuka barked again and then licked Shinji's face.

Needless to say, this was going to hurt the Shinji in the theater.

A lot.

* * *

The axe crashed into the theater floor right between Shinji's legs, missing his mighty oak by a leaf. The oak tree made a hasty retreat towards Shinji's body.

"How could you make me a dog!" Asuka shouted and pulled up the axe for another swing.

"I'm sorry... but things weren't working out any other way!" Shinji screamed as he backpedaled away from the naked redhead.

"And you call that-" Asuka pointed at the viewpoint, which was frozen on an image of Misato paging through a magazine titled '1001 Big Dicks to Lick Your Lips On - Now Cherry Flavored!'. "-working out?"

"How the hell could I have known Misato would start craving big penises!" Shinji cringed as the axe came down and missed his oak tree by a leaf stem. His penis disappeared further into his groin. "Where did you get that axe, anyway?!"

Asuka frowned and looked at the axe head embedded between Shinji's legs. "I don't know." She shrugged. "Oh well..." She lifted the axe up and made another attempt on Shinji's manhood.

Shinji rolled to the side and sprung to his feet. He set off running with the redhead in hot pursuit. "I'm sorry, dammit! I wanted to see if things would be better without you!"

Asuka stopped in her tracks and she lowered the axe's head. "Huh?"

She trembled slightly. "You... wanted a world without me?"

Shinji was a little surprised that Asuka was taking that so calmly, so he stopped running and looked back. "Well.. no... but those worlds kept falling apart and having problems, so I... well I just wanted to experiment."

"And making me a dog is just an experiment to you?" A single tear dripped down Asuka's cheek.

Shinji eyes widened and followed the tear down her cheek. "Um...

well... I'll try again."

Asuka smiled slightly. "Thank you."

Shinji turned around and walked towards the storyboards, not noticing the broad smile that appeared on Asuka's face.

Sucker, Asuka thought as she drove the axe into the floor. She walked towards Shinji in order to make sure Shinji did the storyboards right this time, not noticing the axe slowly fade away.

* * *

"No! Make me bustier!" Asuka insisted, pointing at the storyboard version of herself.

Shinji frowned and looked closely at the breasts. "Um... they're the same size as yours are." He looked up from the storyboards and examined her real breasts.

"So?" Asuka retorted. "Make them bigger, you jerk!"

"Yes, Asuka." Shinji sighed as he rubbed out Asuka's boobs-the ones drawn on the storyboards, not her real ones of course-and drew a larger circle.

"Bigger!"

Shinji sighed. "I'll have to make the panel bigger then."

"Whatever it takes." Asuka smiled. "After that, I have some other suggestions."

"I'm supposed to be making this world, not you, Asuka!"

Asuka reached for the axe, which had suddenly appeared behind her again. "What was that?"

Shinji gulped.

After endless back and forth arguments on one thing or another, Asuka grabbed the marker. "You're so dense. Here, let me do the rest."

Shinji opened his mouth to argue, but shut it when he saw the axe.

* * *

Asuka walked towards school. Or to be more exact, her breasts bounced towards school and dragged the rest of her body with her. Just how big were they? Well, even Michael Jordan would have a hard time dribbling them if they were basketballs. Of course, he probably wouldn't bother dribbling these huge puppies if he got his hands on them. He would be more likely to stroke, squeeze, and pinch them.

"Helllloooooooo, Asuka!" a row of boys chorused as her breasts approached.

Asuka giggled and waved to the long line of boys waiting for her to show up. Or to be more exact, her boobs to arrive. "Hi, guys!" She strolled past the line of boys, all of who were at attention. Well, their dicks were at attention, while the rest of their bodies were trying their best to look macho and attractive.

She strolled down the row and stopped in front of a small geeky boy, who was picking his nose. "You're up today."

The boy stopped digging for his booger and looked at Asuka's boobs.

"Huh?"

Asuka knelt down to draw his attention to her face. His eyes moved downwards, locked on her pert nipples that were clearly visible through her uniform's blouse. "I'm picking you to be my boyfriend today, didn't you read the school rules?"

The boy frowned. "I thought that was a joke someone was playing on me."

Asuka smirked. "Nope."

"So you really are the queen bitch around here?"

Asuka frowned. "Who said that?"

The geeky boy pointed down at a tall, dark haired boy standing at the front of the line.

Asuka scowled at the boy. "Touji, you're off the waiting list for a month!"

"No, way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Bitch."

"Make that two months."

Touji opened his mouth to speak, but Kensuke-who was standing at attention by his side-slapped his hand over his friend's mouth before Touji dug himself a deeper grave. The other boys would beat Kensuke up later for his attempts to keep Touji in the running. The frequent fights over Asuka's breasts-better known as the Boob Wars-frequently cut down Asuka's choices for young, healthy, and well hung males. But she didn't mind since that just made the winners stronger. Natural selection at its kinkiest.

Asuka looked back at the geeky boy and held out her school bag.

"Come on."

"Um... why me?"

Asuka pondered that question for a few seconds before answering.

"Well, sometimes tall, good-looking boys with huge penises get boring, so I figure I should try some of the geeks now and then."

"Oh... then that's a problem."

"Why?"

The geeky boy leaned over and whispered into Asuka's huge breasts.

Asuka's eyes went wide. "Really?"

The boy nodded.

"Wow..." Asuka looked at the boy's groin. "Who'd have thunk that."

She grabbed the boy's arm and pulled him out of the line. "Let's go...

um... what was your name?"

The geeky boy smiled nervously. "Shinji, Shinji Ikari."

* * *

Shinji shook himself out of his trace and staggered backwards.

"What the... you... you... YOU MADE ME A GEEK?!"

Asuka casually shrugged her shoulders, causing her normal sized-well normal for her-breasts to bounce. "Well, I think your parents had more to do with it."

Shinji's eyes went wide. "Are you calling me a geek!"

"Yeah. Take away your Eva and the fact that you've got the power to make a new world for Humanity and what do you have?"

"You... you..." Shinji turned around and walked away. "Dammit."

Asuka smirked. "Watch your mouth... the ink's still wet." She looked at the storyboards and laughed maniacally.

"You should have heard what I wanted to say," Shinji muttered as he returned to his trance.

"What was that?!" Asuka bellowed.

But Shinji was already in his trance and couldn't respond. At least that's what he let Asuka think.

* * *

"Shinji, jump that horse for me," Asuka commanded during gym class.

Shinji looked at the gymnastics horse for a couple seconds before nodding. He took a running start and leapt gracefully into the air. The graceful part ended when he slammed into the end of the horse, crotch first. He fell to the floor and groaned.

"Asuka Langley Sohryu... failed the horse," the teacher remarked, not even caring that it wasn't Asuka who had attempted the jump. Her scorecard said it was Asuka's turn, so that's who she graded.

"You jerk! I told you to jump the horse, not hump it!" Asuka bellowed, causing the other students around her to laugh.

Shinji just continued moaning and rolling around on the floor, holding his crotch.

"If you've hurt my toy, you're in deep shit, Shinji."

* * *

Asuka frowned as she looked at the plate Shinji had given her during lunch. "This isn't the cutlet sandwich I asked for." She tilted the foam plate and tried to figure out what the green substance on it was.

"But all the big guys always go for those," Shinji remarked timidly.

"So?"

"They'll beat me up."

"So?"

"I could die."

"So?"

"Then my dick would die."

Asuka frowned. "Good point." She looked at Shinji's groin. "It's so lively too." She winked and then looked around. "Come on." She stood up and pulled Shinji towards the back of the schoolyard.

"Where are we going?!" Shinji asked, looking around.

"Never mind that, just come on!"

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

In a dark, secluded spot known as 'Asuka's Playpen', Shinji lay on the ground and stared wide-eyed at Asuka as she unzipped his pants.

"Ack!"

"Quiet or someone will find us."

"But... but... but... ahhhhh."

Shinji's eyes rolled upwards as Asuka lived up to this part's title. And then some.

Shinji spasmed.

"Don't you dare come yet!" Asuka ordered.

Shinji tried his best, but-as the white fluid that rolled down Asuka's cheek will attest to-he failed.

"Now then... get me a cutlet sandwich, okay?" Asuka asked while wiping her face off.

Shinji lay on the ground, a crooked smile on his face. "O...kay."

He hurried off towards the lunch counter.

Asuka smiled and licked her lips. "Now if he dies, at least I've had a taste."

Screams were heard from the direction of the lunch counter.

Asuka smiled. "He should have zipped up first."

* * *

Asuka bit into the meat and savored the taste as it flowed down to her stomach. "Hmmmm..."

"Where'd you get that from?"

Asuka looked up from the half eaten cutlet sandwich and smiled when she saw Rei. "Hey, girlfriend." She glanced at the sandwich. "Shinji got it for me."

"I hope he didn't get beat up too hard."

"He'll live." Asuka laughed. "You know, Rei, you're just too kind for your own good."

Rei shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe, but I'd never use a man like you do."

Asuka smirked, knowingly. "No, you wouldn't. How are you and Hikari doing?"

"Great... her parents are remarkably happy that she's a lesbian."

Asuka cheerfully slapped Rei on the back. "Well, when the alternative is Touji anything is better in comparison."

Rei nodded. "Yeah, thanks for lending him to us so we could freak out Hikari's parents and get them to accept that I'm Hikari's lover."

"How does that work anyway?"

Rei winked. "Lots of toys and lots of positions."

"That must be a sight."

"Want to join us sometime?" Rei asked seductively.

Asuka chuckled. "Not on your life. Give me a boy with a huge dick any day."

"Oh, we've got plenty of those." Rei winked.

Asuka frowned. "Huh?"

Rei smiled. "They're made out of rubber and don't talk back."

"Ah..." Asuka nodded her head.

Rei remembered something. "Actually we have one that talks."

"What's it say?"

"It's an assortment of Mel Gibson clips from all those classic movies of his."

Asuka gasped and a trickle of wetness flowed down her inner thigh.

"Can I borrow it sometime?"

Rei nodded. "You can keep it, we don't really have much use for a talking dick."

"Well, Touji did help you out with your parents."

Rei almost choked on her tongue as the laugh erupted from her mouth.

* * *

"You made Rei and Hikari lesbians?!" Misato shouted, looking between Rei-who was calmly watching the viewpoint-and Asuka.

"So? I wasn't going to let Hikari's life be ruined by pairing her up with that bastard Touji."

"But why Hikari and Rei?"

"Why not?"

Misato rolled her eyes and came to an internal conclusion. She's probably trying to keep Rei out of her way. "Shinji might have made mistakes, but at least he cared about the problems he was causing."

"What possible problems could making Rei and Hikari lesbian's cause?"

* * *

There should be a scene here with Rei and Hikari having hot lesbian sex, but that would belong under the 'sucks' book and not the 'blows'

book. So, unfortunately, we present to you twelve minutes of Pikachu and Jigglypuff doing the nasty.

Yellow and pink flesh undulated everywhere as the rat shagged the... the... whatever the hell Jigglypuff is.

* * *

After having hot, lesbian sex in the gym's store room, Rei and Hikari walked together into their next class, home economics.

"Okay, class, today we are going to-" the teacher read from her class planner. "-learn how to satisfy your man with the proper blow job technique." Without realizing what she had just said, the teacher turned towards the blackboard and jerked in surprise when she saw the detailed diagram of a man's erect penis was drawn on the board. Not by coincidence, the penis lined up perfectly with her mouth, which was wide open in surprise. A girl in the back clicked a quick picture that would be distributed around the school for years to come. "What the..." The teacher looked back at her class planner. "Who changed my planner?!"

The girls just giggled and talked about the diagram. Except Rei and Hikari, who remained impassive and just looked on uninterested.

"Ayanami and Horaki, you look very guilty," the teacher remarked.

"Huh?" Hikari said.

"You're all flushed and not giggling like the other girls."

Rei smiled. "That's because we just had s... hmmmmpppffff."

Hikari slapped her hand over Rei's mouth and smiled at the teacher.

"Um... sorry, teacher, we had to run across the school yard to get here in time after lunch."

The teacher's eye's narrowed as she looked at the two girls. "Why don't I believe you?"

"Because you're a... hmmmmmmpppff."

Hikari glared at Rei. "Are you trying to get us in trouble?" she hissed.

Rei smiled devilishly. "What could they do?"

* * *

"Expelled?!" Asuka shouted after school let out.

Rei and Hikari nodded.

Asuka looked around. "I'll find out who played that joke and teach them to screw with my best friends."

"If she's cute, we'll be glad to screw her," Rei remarked.

Hikari gasped. "Rei! That's the kind of joking that always gets us in trouble."

Rei smirked and shrugged her shoulders. "So what?"

Hikari slapped her own head. "Geeezzz..."

Asuka chuckled. "Now don't have a lover's spat here... wait till you get home and suck all your troubles away."

"Asuka!" Hikari snapped.

Asuka chuckled. "Don't worry, Principal Katsuragi doesn't stand a chance against me. I'll get you reinstated within a day or two. That old hag won't know what hit here after I'm done with her."

"Thank you." Hikari smiled and hugged Asuka.

"Get your hand off my butt, Hikari."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Shinji asked as he stood in the entry to Asuka's apartment.

Asuka grinned. "Yeah, my mom and dad are in Hawaii for their anniversary."

"Well... I don't think I should."

"GET IN HERE!" Asuka bellowed.

A gust of wind flashed past Asuka and down the hall towards the living room.

Asuka walked down to the living room and gasped when she saw Shinji standing in the middle of the room, naked as the Shinji in the theater.

"Eager, aren't you?"

"Not really... but I figured it'd be better to get this over with."

Asuka chuckled and checked him out. "Boy, it looks even bigger now!"

Shinji blushed and covered himself.

"But I wasn't planning on having sex with you."

Shinji's jaw dropped, among other things. "Huh?"

"What, you think I'm some kind of slut?"

"Yeah..."

"What did you say?!"

Shinji cowered back. "No... no, of course you're not!"

Asuka chuckled. "Relax, Shinji. I'm a virgin."

Shinji's mouth twitched.

"I just love to play around with guys. A little taste here and there, but the closest I've been to having sex is letting Touji lick me all over when we were having that water shortage and I couldn't take a proper shower or bath."

Shinji's mouth dropped open. "Wow..."

"Now then... I need you to do something for me."

Shinji gulped and reached for his pants.

"No, don't bother. It'll be better that you're naked for this..."

Shinji tried to think of what she could need him to do that didn't involve sex, but still needed him naked. Well, I guess it can't be all that bad then.

He was wrong.

* * *

"It's a... it's a p... p... p..."

Asuka smiled. "It's a penguin, stupid."

"I thought they were extinct?" Shinji remarked as he watched the penguin waddle across the room.

"He's a genetically created warm water penguin." Asuka patted the penguin on the head. "His name is Pen-pen."

Shinji knelt down in front of the penguin and looked at it. "Hi ya, Pen-pen." He titled his head and laughed when Pen-pen mimicked the gesture. Shinji looked at Asuka. "So what did you want me to do?"

"What do you think?"

"Give him a bath?"

"No."

"Feed him?"

"No."

"Hold him down while you give him a blow job?"

Asuka 'acked' and fell over to the side.

"I guess that's a no."

Asuka chuckled as she got back to her feet. "Some imagination you have there, Shinji."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"Catch him, skin him, and cook him up for dinner, of course."

Shinji fainted.

* * *

"WHAT?!" Misato screamed and glared at Asuka. "You want to eat my Pen-pen?!" She hefted the axe up into her arms and brandished it menacingly.

"Not really." Asuka looked at the storyboards. "I did put Pen-pen in there, but not as dinner."

"Then why..." Misato whispered to herself.

"Beat's me. I don't recall really detailing anything about what Pen-pen was around for, I just threw him in for kicks."

Misato sighed. "You're like a TV producer I used to date, he'd throw in cute and cuddly characters into a show just so he could sell toys."

"Surely he had better reasons than that."

"You remember that drama last year about the Pacific War?"

Asuka nodded. "The one that explored the Japanese Navy's efforts to liberate that island with all the yellow rats?"

Misato nodded. "Those rats were a recycled video game character from just before Second Impact."

"Really? Wow... it seemed so realistic."

* * *

"I'm not going to cook a penguin!" Shinji shouted, cowering in the corner.

Asuka laughed. "I was just kidding. I just need you to give him a bath. He got into some oil yesterday and I'm not going to ruin my perfect skin for a stupid flightless bird."

"If he could fly, would you wash him then?"

Asuka glared at Shinji. "Careful, or I'll have you give him a enema."

Pen-pen squawked and ran from the room.

Asuka smiled. "Better go catch him."

"Yes, Asuka."

* * *

While Shinji made a mess in the bathroom trying to get any part of Pen-pen in the tub, someone started pounding on the door.

Asuka scowled as she put down the latest issue of 'The Modern Woman's Guide to Making Men Do Whatever You Say' and stomped towards the front door. "What is it?" she snapped as she opened the door a foot or so to see who was there.

Two men in black and white suits pushed the door open and rushed in. "We're here for the penguin!" the taller of the two exclaimed and adjusted the eyepiece with a red laser he was wearing on his left eye.

Asuka's eyes went wide. "What?"

The short man flashed a badge. "We're with the Penguin International Salvation Service."

"Oh, piss off!" Asuka spat and tried to close the door.

"You've heard of P.I.S.S. then?" The tall man looked down at his partner.

His partner nodded his confirmation. "We'll have to change the acronym for our top secret organization again."

"How about Association for the Salvation of Salt Water Inbred Penguins Everywhere?"

The short man nodded, causing his laser to draw a picture of a penis on his partner's groin. Yes, he was that short. The size difference came in handy on those long patrols when they couldn't sit or lay down. "I like that one." He looked at Asuka. "Okay, where is the penguin, ma'am?"

Asuka ducked the laser as it swept near her own groin. "Penguin?

What's that?" she replied with an expression that wouldn't fool anyone except the two bozos in front of her.

"It's a small flightless waterfowl that looks like this," the tall man said, pointing at his black and white suit. "And has a beak like this." He pointed to the yellow beak on the top of his penguin suit.

Asuka tried not to laugh. "Nope, no penguins here."

"Damn... we were so sure this time." The tall man turned around and started to leave, but froze in his place when he heard the unmistakable crying of a penguin being leaned on by a fourteen year old boy. "What was that?"

"I didn't hear a fourteen year old boy leaning on a penguin," Asuka replied straight-faced.

The tall man shook his head. "Damn."

The two men turned to leave, but stopped when the sound was repeated. They looked at each other-one up and one down-and silently decided on a course of action while their lasers burned a ragged scar across each other's faces.

"I'll go check it out," the short man said and raced past Asuka.

"Hey!" Asuka made to follow, but the tall man grabbed her by her huge breasts and restrained her. For some reason, that 'restraining'

involved his moving his hands in circular motions.

A minute or so later the short man returned to find his partner lying in the entryway, writhing in pain from the opposite of this part's title.

"What happened?"

"Nothing!" the tall man said in a high squeaky voice.

The short man's eyes went wide. "She kneed you in my plaything, didn't she?"

The tall man nodded. "What did you find?"

"Oh, there's a kid back there choking his bird."

The tall man jumped to his feet. "What?! We have to save that poor bird!"

The short man rolled his eyes. "No... no... I mean he's spanking his monkey."

"Well... it's not really our job, but Monkey United Front For Defending Inbred Vertebrates Everywhere Required has helped us out before."

"No, he's playing with his one armed bandit."

The tall man showed no hint of comprehension.

"He's jerking off!"

The tall man scratched his head in bewilderment.

The short man sighed. "He's masturbating, you idiot!"

Still nothing.

The short man shook his head. "He's shellacking his bark!"

The tall man gasped. "Oh! Why didn't say so in the first place."

He stared off into the distance as if remembering a fond memory. "Ah...

I haven't had to shellac my own bark since we became partners."

"Let's go..." the short man pulled his partner out by his pussy willow.

Asuka stared at the door as it slowly closed. "What the fuck was that?" She turned around and hurried down the hallway to find Shinji and Pen-pen. After finding the bathroom empty, she burst into her room and found Shinji masturbating on her bed. "Ack..."

"No... huh... penguins... huh... here... ahhhhhhh."

Asuka followed the glob as it arced through the air and nailed her pussy. "Wow... nice range."

Shinji seemed to notice Asuka for the first time. "Asuka! Are they..."

"They're gone." Asuka started to rub the white cum off her pussy.

Shinji sighed. "Thank goodness. Um... sorry about your pussy."

"You should be!" She put down the stuffed cat and eyed Shinji's naked body. "Why are you jerking off, anyway?"

Shinji blushed and covered his fallen tree. "Um... it was the first thing I thought of."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "You're a sick little boy, you know that?"

"Yes, Asuka."

Asuka looked around. "Where'd you hide Pen-pen?"

Shinji slid over and pulled the sheet off the pillow he was leaning on, which turned out to be Pen-pen.

Asuka gasped. "You... you were bedding Pen-pen while you choked your chicken?"

* * *

Shinji sighed and dropped to the floor of the theater. "This blows!"

Asuka nodded. "Yeah, you'd never have the guts to really masturbate."

Shinji flinched remembering the time he had done just that over Asuka's unconscious form. I'm so pathetic. Then he remembered when he used to do her laundry. Really pathetic. And when she fell asleep and I cut her bra and panties off her body. Really, really pathetic. And when...

His long list of pathetic masturbation remembrances was cut short when Asuka spoke again. "You're just so pathetic. Even the Shinji in these worlds has bigger balls than you do."

Shinji clenched his eyes shut. "Shut up..." he muttered.

Asuka didn't seem to hear him. "You're making these other Shinji's with more spine than you'll ever have," she taunted, ignoring the fact that she had made the last Shinji.

"Shut up..." Shinji clenched his fists.

Asuka's eyebrow raised. "What are you going to do if I don't?"

Shinji's eyes snapped open and locked on Asuka, causing her to flinch and take a step backwards. Shinji jumped forward and grabbed her hand. In a quick movement that would make Rhet Butler proud, he swept her into his arms and...

Asuka's heart throbbed in anticipation. A part of her brain told her arm and hand to slug Shinji, but her arm and hand decided it would rather wait and see what happened next. The readers seconded that vote.

Sex always wins out over logic.

Shinji leaned down, his eyes locked with Asuka's. A fierce fire of determination burned within those eyes as his lips neared hers and...

Asuka sneezed.

The mood shattered, Shinji dropped Asuka on her butt. "Um... I wasn't going to do anything... honest!" he said, while slowly backing up.

Asuka wiped her mouth and then rubbed her fanny. A part of her was very mad as being dropped while another was disappointed at the missed opportunity. Then she remembered what had started this sequence of events. "You spineless wimp!" She jumped to her feet and ran towards Shinji, her hands raised to the beat the living daylights out of him.

"I'm sorry!" Shinji blurted as he ran away from the angry redhead.

"You will be. As of right now, I'm licensed to kill anyone who plays with my heart!"

"I wasn't playing!"

Asuka's anger faltered. "Then what were you doing?!"

"I was... I was..." Shinji's spine vanished. "I was just angry and trying to get back at you."

Asuka's heart shriveled up inside her chest. You spineless jerk...

The force of Asuka's punch sent Shinji sailing across the theater.

He crashed into one of the thirteen corners and slid to the floor, dazed. I'm sorry, Asuka, but I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with you until I know if you're alive or dead. -E- -V- -A-

Later after he regained consciousness, Shinji grabbed the storyboards and began to tear, only to be stopped by an urgent shout.

"Don't, Shinji!" Misato yelled running up to him.

Shinji looked confused. "Why? Asuka's world is so stupid and childish."

"And the world where you were surrounded by thousands of naked, impossibly well-built, teenage girls wasn't childish?"

Shinji blushed. "I was just curious what that would be like."

Misato smirked. "Don't worry, Shinji, those feelings are normal in a teenage boy."

"Normal?" Shinji asked, as if shocked by the idea that anything about him or his life was normal.

"Yes. Of course, most boys don't have the power to actually make it come true."

Shinji dropped to the ground. "Maybe I'm the wrong person for this job."

"Maybe, but you're stuck with it." Misato knelt down in front of Shinji and took his hand. "You just have to dig down deep inside your heart and find that perfect world."

Shinji looked up and met Misato's gaze. "You want to try?"

Misato's jaw dropped on top of her breasts. "What? Didn't you just hear what I said?!"

"Yeah, but my heart isn't in it. You stopped me from tearing up Asuka's world, so why don't you see if you can make it better from where her storyboards left off." He pointed at the pile of storyboards.

"Shinji... I..."

"Give it a try, you couldn't make it any worse."

Misato sighed. "That world wasn't that bad."

"She made you the pointy-nosed principal with horn-rimmed glasses."

Misato jumped to her feet. "What?!"

"Yeah, you must not have been watching when you expelled Rei and Hikari."

Misato clenched her fists. "That little, redheaded..."

"The blank storyboards are over there." Shinji pointed at a pile of blanks.

"She's going to curse the day that she made me her principal."

Misato stomped over to the storyboards.

Shinji frowned. I've got a bad feeling about this. -E- -V- -A-

"Asuka Langley Sohryu, please report to the principal's office.

Asuka Langley Sohryu, please report to the principal's office."

Asuka looked up from her desk at hearing the intercom. "Yeah...

yeah... when I feel like it."

"Immediately."

Asuka frowned. How did she... oh well. She stood up and walked to the door, accompanied by wolf whistles and catcalls. Odd, I didn't tell them to do that, I wonder why..

Shinji leaned over to the boy next to him. "Shouldn't we tell her that her skirt is tucked into her panties?"

"Are you crazy? She's got the second best ass in the school."

Shinji scratched his head. "Who's got the best then?"

"Principal Katsuragi, of course."

* * *

Principal Katsuragi, sneezed and scratched her butt. Someone must be talking about my butt again. She sighed and lay back on the tanning bed, the light playing over her perfect body. The sweat dripped down her firm breasts. Her flat stomach glistened in the light. Her pubic hair framed her... awww... you get the idea.

"Principal Katsuragi, Asuka Langley Sohryu is here to see you,"

Misato's secretary's voice called out over the office intercom.

Misato frowned. That didn't take as long as it usually does to get her here. Ah! She must have been in Professor Fukusuke's class. He's boring enough to cause the dead to rise and flee his lectures. She slipped off the tanning bed and checked her perfect body in the nearby full-length mirror. "Perfect as always." She grabbed a long frumpy dress and started to get dressed. After zipping the dress up, she grabbed her horn-rimmed glasses-which had a fake pointy nose attached-and slipped them on.

She spun around in front of the mirror and nodded. "Have to keep up appearances for the students." She admired her form in the mirror.

"Hmmmm... I bet the kids still have wet dreams about me. There's only so much of this fantastic body I can hide."

The intercom buzzer shook Misato out of her vanity trance.

"Principal?"

Misato shook her head. "Ah... yes, send her in." She stepped through to her main office and locked the door behind her. It wouldn't do for anyone to find out that she had a tanning bed, jacuzzi, sauna, and Hans back there. Hans being her masseuse, of course.

She had just sat down behind her old desk when Asuka came in. "You wanted to see me, Principal Kantscratchherownbutt?"

Misato decided to let the brat get away with that one. "Yes, I understand you've been forcing the male students to wait on you hand and foot."

"I wouldn't call it forcing."

"You've also been giving them blow jobs behind the school." Misato grabbed a remote and pressed a button. A wall panel slide aside showing an array of twenty televisions, each showing Asuka's lips wrapped around a different penis.

"Err... well... they enjoyed it."

"Yes, so they said when I examined the evidence."

"Evidence?"

Misato nodded and had a flashback to the interrogations where her lips were the ones wrapped around the penises. That Shinji was pretty tasty.

* * *

Shinji snapped out of his trance and looked behind him. "Misato!"

Misato looked innocently back at him. "What?"

"You set it up so you could give everyone bl... bl..." Shinji stammered, unable to say this books title followed by 'job'.

Misato shrugged her shoulders, causing her breasts to bounce.

"Yeah, so what?"

"Why?"

"If you ever have one, you'll understand."

Shinji decided to go back into his trance before Misato offered to give him one.

"Want me to blow you now?"

Too late.

"No!" Shinji shouted and then returned to his trance, his tree rising proudly into the air.

Misato smirked. "I knew that'd get a rise out of him."

* * *

After school, Asuka was fuming. "How dare that witch suspend me!

All I did was use the entire male student body as my personal plaything!"

Hikari smiled. "Well, at least she reversed our expulsions." She looked at Rei.

"I'll have to thank her sometime." Rei licked her lips.

"Rei!"

Asuka wasn't listening to the lovers quarrel. Instead, her eyes were locked on the Principal, who was walking across the schoolyard towards the main gate. "That bitch."

Misato walked through the gate and just as she reached the curb, a very expensive sports car screeched to a halt in front of her. "Kaji!"

Kaji smiled dashingly as he poked his head out the window. "Need a ride, beautiful?"

Misato smiled and leaned down to kiss her man, not caring who saw her.

"What a hunk."

Asuka looked back at Hikari. "What kind of lesbian are you?"

Hikari giggled. "Hey, I know a good looking man when I see one."

Asuka's eyes narrowed. "You're not bi, are you?"

Hikari shook her head. "I don't think so."

Rei smiled. "I am. Why limit the playing field?"

Hikari gasped. "You're not playing that field anymore, are you?"

Rei shook her head and leaned in to kiss Hikari.

Asuka turned away, only to see Misato and Kaji still going at it.

Damn, everyone's in heat. She looked around for the nearest guy.

"Kensuke, get over here!"

Kensuke rushed over from where he was studying the new class schedules. "Yes, ma'am." He snapped to attention.

"I order you..."

Misato cut her command off from where she stood next to Kaji's car.

"Asuka, what did we talk about?"

Asuka mumbled something very unflattering to her principal and then turned towards Kensuke. "Kensuke, would you like to go out with me tonight?"

Kensuke stared at Asuka with a blank look on his face.

Seeing that he needed a little sample, Asuka licked his tonsils for several seconds. "Well?"

Kensuke started to jump around like a giggly, little schoolgirl.

"Would I? Oh yeah!"

Asuka looked around. Maybe I should've been more selective. -E- -V- -A-

"What the hell did you do to my perfect world?!" Asuka screamed as she tried her best to pull Misato's penis, only to find out she didn't have one.

"Why are you grabbing at me?" Misato asked as Asuka repeatedly grabbed her crotch.

Asuka stopped groping the older woman and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry. I guess it's just a habit I've picked up whenever Shinji messes my alternate self's life up."

"Don't be so rash, having guys wait on you hand and foot may seem like heaven, but it will only lead to heartache."

"Yeah, right. How the hell would you know?"

Misato dropped to the ground and sat cross-legged. "Remember when I said I was a bit wild in college?"

"Well, you made it seem like you were more of a slut than just wild."

Misato looked at her storyboards. "The ink's still wet."

Asuka gulped and sat down in front of Misato. "So, what's your point?"

"Well, the guys would try to get close to me by buying me stuff and treating me like a princess."

Asuka smirked. "What did you have on them?"

"Nothing. I was smart enough not to let a guy get me drunk, but when it was my own hand I never seemed to know when to stop. So they were always trying to stick close in case I had one of my 'episodes'."

"What a bunch of jerks!"

Misato smiled. "Maybe, but jerks come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. One of the guys got impatient and tried to... force himself on me."

Asuka gasped and looked away awkwardly. "Maybe you should tell this to someone else?"

"Who?" Misato looked at Shinji-who was in his trance-and then she looked at Rei. "What the fuck is Rei doing?"

Asuka chuckled and looked at Rei, who was moving back and forth along the theater walls and rubbing her breasts against the wooden surface. "I told her one of the walls was fake and she had to rub them with her breasts to find out which one it was."

Misato stared incredulously at the redhead in front of her.

"Asuka!"

"Don't worry... I gave her some K-Y Jelly so she won't get friction burns."

"Well, that's very consid... err... It's still not a nice thing to do! What about splinters!" Misato turned towards Rei, who had just moved onto another wall. "Rei, you don't..."

The wall Rei was rubbing suddenly bulged at her touch. She backed up and allowed the oak-paneled wall to turn into a large oak tree.

"Found it."

Asuka keeled over backwards and gasped for air.

Misato couldn't believe her eyes. "Damn, that's a pretty impressive oak tree."

Rei looked away from the oak tree and at Asuka. "Now what?"

Asuka and Misato exchanged a glance and then ran towards the walls.

Shinji emerged from his trance he was greeted by the sight of all three girls rubbing their breasts against the theater walls. "Do I even want to know why you are all doing that?"

"Rei made one of the walls turn into an oak tree by doing this and we're trying to find out if any of the others will transform too," Asuka explained as she rubbed her breasts across a mahogany wall.

Shinji turned completely around and frowned. "What oak tree?"

The three girls stopped rubbing up against the walls and looked around.

"Where the fuck did it go?!"

"It was here, I swear!"

"That is very interesting, it was there."

Shinji sighed. "I think you're all losing it."

Asuka harrumphed and stormed over to Shinji. "This theater is strange."

Misato walked over. "You're just now realizing this?"

"Maybe it's because I let you two draw the world this time."

"Nawww... nothing wrong with my world," Asuka insisted.

"Except for the parts I fixed, of course," Misato replied, smugly.

"I doubt it's any better." Asuka glanced at the viewpoint.

"Wowsa..." She tilted her head. "Kaji and you are really going at it."

Shinji sighed. "Yeah... that's why I came out of my trance, I just couldn't take much more of the endless sex and all the different positions. " He looked at Misato. "You made his sex drive limitless, didn't you?"

"Who me?" Misato's denial was ruined when Rei picked up Misato's storyboards.

"Mr. Kaji is hard and naked in every panel he appears in," Rei remarked, flipping through the storyboards. "That explains the dark tinted windows in his car."

"Well... so... um..." Misato thought fast. "He forgot to wash his laundry, okay?!"

* * *

Misato spent that night on top of, under, beside, curled around, and otherwise entangled with Kaji.

After their twister marathon, they had hot monkey sex.

As the sweat dripped from their naked bodies, someone started pounding on the front door of their love nest.

Kaji rolled over on top of Misato, causing her breasts to bulge out the side. "Ignore it, I'm ready again."

Misato smiled. "My stallion..." She ran her hand though his hair and gave him a long kiss, ignoring the incessant banging from the front door.

After another round of hot, sweat-splashing monkey sex, Misato rolled on top of Kaji's broad chest. Again, her large breasts bulged out the side. "Maybe we should get the door," she suggested, looking towards the front of their love nest where the knocking had continued.

Kaji sighed. "No... I'm ready again."

Misato smiled.

A loud crash and a dozen people rushing into the bedroom wearing monkey suits interrupted her pleasure.

"We're the Monkey United Front For Defending Inbred Vertebrates Everywhere Required!" the head monkey said, then his jaw dropped as he got a good look at Misato's bulging breasts and naked backside.

The jaws of the other monkeys dropped and the groins of their monkey suits expanded as they got a good look at Misato as well. Well, one of those jaws belonged to a young teenage girl, so her groin didn't bulge, it just became very wet with excitement.

"What are you doing here!" Kaji screamed, trying to cover as much of Misato with his body as he could, which included hiding her vagina with the part of him that fit it perfectly.

"Oh, god, look at that huge dick!"

The monkey next to the monkey that had just screamed that looked oddly at his male companion. "That's it, you have to stop watching me in the shower room at M.U.F.F.D.I.V.E.R. H.Q."

"Awwwww, man," the gay monkey grumbled.

Misato looked over Kaji's shoulder. "What... eepppp! Are you...

ahhhhhh... Doing here! Wooooo!" She was breathing heavily by the time her question was finished.

So were the monkeys.

"We're with the-" Deep breath. "-Monkey United Front For Defending Inbred Vertebrates Everywhere Required and we heard there were two monkeys being forced to have hot monkey sex in here!"

Kaji and Misato exchanged an annoyed-yet aroused-look before Kaji answered. "That was just us having hot monkey sex!"

The head monkey scratched his butt and flicked the flea away.

"Damn, I could have sworn it was real monkeys this time."

One of the other monkeys slapped the leader on his shoulder.

"Sorry, dude."

"It's not fair..." The leader raised his arms over his head. "Where are all the monkeys!" He turned around. "Come on guys, we've got to continue our monkey patrol."

There was some grumbling from the men and one girl, but they turned and followed their leader out of the room.

They raced back into the room when they heard the unmistakable sounds of two monkeys having hot monkey sex.

Misato and Kaji stopped having hot monkey sex and glared at the men and one girl in monkey suits. "It's just us fucking again, you idiots!"

"Oh, yeah..." The leader slapped his head. "Doh!"

"Come on, Homer, time to go."

Homer sighed and let his monkeys lead him out.

Kaji looked back at Misato and smiled. "I always thought we sounded like two rabbits when we made love."

Misato smiled and shook her head. "No... we have sex like rabbits, but we do sound like monkeys."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... my family bred monkeys on our old farm. The sound is unmistakable."

Kaji started to pump again. That's probably where she picked up that sound she makes as she cums.

Misato suddenly sat bolt upright and started screeching like a monkey.

* * *

In the theater, Asuka looked at Misato. "You screech like a monkey when you cum?"

"No!" Misato snapped back, trying to hide her blush. Considering she was naked, she wasn't successful.

Asuka chuckled. Seeing Misato screech like that was almost worth seeing myself give Kensuke that French kiss. Misato was sitting cross-legged on the floor and mumbling. "An aardvark maybe, but not a monkey."

* * *

"Oh... oh... oh..." Asuka panted as she bounced with each of Kensuke's thrusts.

"This... this... this is great!" Kensuke shouted.

Asuka smirked. Yeah... maybe I shouldn't have waited after all. Her eyes went wide and she screamed.

Kensuke cringed as Asuka's nails dug into his back.

Asuka started making monkey noises, while Kensuke's grunts sounded like an aardvark in heat.

Suddenly the door was smashed open and eleven guys and one girl rushed into the room. They were all dressed in aardvark suits.

"A redhead!" the lone girl remarked and wet her panties and the groin of her aardvark suit.

"Stop fucking that aardvark and surrender him to the Aardvark National Appreciation League!"

Asuka's muscles tensed as she looked at the intruders. "He's a guy, not an animal!"

"Yeah, right..."

Kensuke didn't seem to notice the commotion and continued thrusting until he filled Asuka up.

"Hey, Homer, she's right. He doesn't look anything like an aardvark."

Homer looked at his 'Pocket Guide to Extinct Animals That Have been Genetically Recreated and Are Now Endangered Due to Humans That Fuck Them' and slapped his head. "Doh!"

* * *

Asuka's face was blue and she dropped to the floor of the theater.

"Oh no... not me and Kensuke... anybody but him!" She slapped her hands over her mouth to keep from throwing up.

"Would you rather be fucked like that by Touji?" Rei asked as she walked over.

Asuka's eye twitched, causing her to lose concentration and send her last meal spewing out of her mouth.

The vomit splashed across Shinji's legs, causing him to slip backwards. He snapped out of his trance and twisted in mid fall, ending up on the floor between Asuka and Rei, who he had pulled down with him.

Shinji squeezed his hands and felt a familiar sensation. Well, the left hand was familiar; the right hand was squeezing something larger.

He looked down to see his hands were squeezing Asuka's and Rei's breasts. "Ack!"

"Can you get off me?"

"That feels very interesting, please continue."

"I said get up!" Asuka punctuated her request with a swift kick to Shinji's stomach, which separated his right hand from her breast.

Rei frowned as Shinji's left hand separated from her breast.

"It was an accident!" Shinji muttered as he shyly retreated from the two girls he had just fondled. "Sorry," he muttered, trying to hide something that rose to the occasion.

"Pervert!"

"Actually, it was a most interesting experience."

"Oh, shut up!"

* * *

"You did what?!" Asuka screamed.

Shinji straightened the storyboards in his hands. "I let Rei do a set of storyboards to see if she could improve on the world you and Misato made."

Asuka looked at Rei, who was examining the lint in her own navel.

"Well, she couldn't mess it up more than Misato did."

"What was that?" Misato snapped as she stormed over, her breasts bouncing up and down with each stomp.

"Rei's going to fix all your mistakes," Asuka laid the seed of a big argument.

"What mistakes?" Misato asked, glaring at Shinji.

Shinji gulped. "That's not it! I... I... I just thought Rei deserved a chance to try."

"Well, she better not have done anything weird to Kaji and me."

Shinji looked at Rei and shook his head. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

He turned and prepared to enter his trance. Couldn't be any worse. -E- -V- -A-

"So what do you want to do this afternoon?" Shinji asked as he walked home after school with Rei, who was wrapped around his arm like a boa constrictor around the trunk of an oak tree.

"What do you think?" Rei winked and slipped her hand into Shinji's pocket and wrapped it around his mighty oak.

"Again?" Shinji rolled his eyes. Maybe in exasperation, but probably in appreciation of Rei's touch. "We go there almost every day."

"But it's fun." Rei squeezed again.

Shinji's voice rose several octaves. "Oooo..kay!"

* * *

Rei helped Shinji take off his shirt. Running her finger across his ribcage when his chest was revealed.

Shinji reciprocated.

Rei arched her back as Shinji ran his hand down her chest. She felt his hands around her waist as he started to remove her skirt.

* * *

Asuka's hand neared Rei's face, but the blue-haired girl ducked and slid sideways along the wooden floor of the theater. Asuka scowled and followed Rei's evasive maneuver. "I can't believe you of all people would set yourself up for a little action with Shinji!"

Rei ducked Asuka's next swing. "Actually, I'd be surprised if you wanted to do this with Shinji."

Asuka flinched. "Well... well... of course I don't want to do that with Shinji, but I... um..." A blush formed on her face. "Don't try to change the subject!"

"What's the subject?" Rei asked as she did a graceful back flip to avoid Asuka's hand.

Asuka pointed at the viewpoint. "Ditching Hikari and setting it up so you could screw Shinji."

Rei frowned. "I was not aware that Shinji was a robot and a loose screw that needed tightening."

Asuka rolled her eyes. "He has a screw loose, alright." She watched Rei walkover and start examining Shinji closely. She sighed. "He doesn't really have screws! I meant you wanted to have sex with him!"

Rei looked up from the hole she was examining for a screw. "Oh, why would I want to do that?" She released Shinji's penis and stood up.

"You tell me." Asuka pointed at the viewpoint, which now showed the naked Shinji and Rei walking towards a naked Hikari. "Wha... what is Hikari doing there?"

"It's more pleasurable with more people."

Asuka cringed back from Rei. "You... you... sicko!"

"Thank you."

* * *

Hikari crossed her arms over her naked bosom and smiled. "You know, Shinji, you could just come without Rei having to entice you."

"This is weird, that's all." Shinji said, looking awkwardly around the vast room.

Hikari grabbed Shinji's left hand and pulled. "Come on already."

Rei grabbed his other hand and together the two naked, teenage girls pulled him towards a steel platform.

Shinji gulped loudly as he was led up the steel stairs.

"Why don't you like this, Shinji?" Rei asked as she tested the temperature of the pool in front of them with her toe.

"I don't know... it's spooky."

Hikari sighed and then pushed Shinji in. "Every time it's the same thing."

Rei smiled. "Yeah, but the more the merrier."

Hikari giggled and took Rei's hand and then jumped in with her lover. They quickly sank into the yellowish liquid until they found their natural buoyant point in the thick, gelatinous liquid.

Shinji was holding his breath, but when the oxygen in his lungs ran out he gasped and breathed the liquid into his lungs.

*Just relax and enjoy it, Shinji.*

Shinji flinched as Rei's unspoken thoughts filled his mind. *It's just so weird.*

*At first, yes, but if you relax and let your thoughts wander, we will become one.*

*Yeah...yeah... but it's never worked for me before.* *There is a first time for everything.*

*Mr. Spock! You're here today?*

*Yes, over near the redhead.*

*Asuka, huh? What is it with you and redheads?* *They are most stimulating.*

*In your dreams, logic-boy.*

Rei shifted slightly to face Shinji. *Just relax, Shinji. Don't think. Just relax. Empty your mind of everything.* *That'll be easy.*

Hikari shook her head sadly. *Asuka, please. Let Rei try and calm Shinji's inner turmoil like she has yours.* *Asuka's calm?*

*I heard that!*

Hikari shrugged, causing ripples in the form of her breasts to spread through the liquid. *You should have seen her before this LCL center opened up. She was always irritable and nasty.* Shinji looked at Rei and didn't even have to think that Asuka was still irritable and nasty.

They had become one.

Nine months later, Rei gave birth to a real dorky baby.

* * *

Shinji came out of his trance and dropped to the floor. "Rei..." He looked at the naked girl. "Your perfect world would be inside your tank?"

Rei nodded. "It is the most peaceful and relaxing environment I could imagine for us. To exchange information with my other selves was the highlight of my day."

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Rei, you have to be the dullest person in the world."

"Thank you."

* * *

Three years later T.S.T., Shinji tore up his most recent set of storyboards. T.S.T. being Theater Standard Time, which Shinji and the girls thought up to keep track of time in the theater. Basically it's a complex measurement of the intervals between Shinji's erections, Asuka's bowel movements, Misato's butt scratches, and Rei's blinks. After they got sick of keeping track of all that, they just started guessing what time it was in T.S.T.

Asuka walked up to Shinji with a scrap of storyboard stuck to her butt. "So, that's what... six hundred and fifty fucked up worlds you've made?"

Shinji sighed. "Six hundred and sixty five."

"Well, at least you were close on that one."

"Close!" Shinji snapped. "You turned out to be a mass murderer!"

Asuka shrugged her shoulders. "So?"

"You killed everyone in the world!"

"So?"

"And then you stuffed and mounted all the guys penises and...

and..." Shinji shook his head to clear the image of Asuka using the penises-on-a-stick over and over again.

Asuka smirked. "You're just mad because I didn't use your penis."

Shinji blushed and turned away. "No!"

Asuka smirked.

Across the theater another Shinji shook his head and looked at his ghostly mother. "Why are you making me watch all this again?"

"So you can learn from your mistakes," Yui said, hovering angelically over the floor.

Shinji frowned. "I was supposed to be learning something?"

"Yes, weren't you paying attention?"

Shinji gulped and looked away from his mother. "Um... well...

sometimes."

Yui rolled her eyes. "Just like your father. I had to show him how to combine and split recombinant DNA several times before he could do it without creating some mutated monster or talk show host." She shuddered.

"I hope someday that the world forgives us for creating Jerry Springer."

"I'm sure they forgave you as soon as Third Impact happened."

"Really? I hope so."

Shinji looked down at the floor. "Sorry about not paying attention..."

Yui sighed heavily and then took Shinji's hand. "Well, let's go back to Third Impact and see if you can retain more this time."

"Sorry."

* * *

The story up to here in super-ultra-condensed form: Misato gave Shinji a French kiss. Shinji got a hard on (the first of millions). Asuka was alive when she was pulled out of Unit Two. Or was she?

Oh... and then a little thing called Third Impact happened and the Human Race was reduced to yellow goo and their souls went through Rei's vagina and into her uterus where they are awaiting a perfect world to recycle the souls into. But that's just a side story and not really that important in the grand scheme of things.

Shinji has to make that perfect world.

He's not doing so good.

After six hundred and sixty five worlds were created and discarded, Shinji looked at his mother and scratched his head. "Well, I guess I figured out that making a world where O.J. Simpson was actually not guilty wasn't a good idea."

"Is that all?"

"Don't make a world where everyone is the same sex."

"Why?"

"Because the human race dies out pretty fast if they can't have sex."

Yui nodded. "Yes, even if they didn't kill each other out of frustration at not being able to get laid they would have died out when they couldn't reproduce."

"Yeah, but you'd have thought they'd have all been gay under that circumstance."

Yui shook her head sadly. "Are you gay?"

Shinji's eyes widened. "No!"

"Good, I was a little afraid after you gave that blow job to Touji in world sixty-nine."

Shinji blushed. "That was because Asuka changed the panels!"

Yui nodded knowingly. "Yeah... yeah... so you keep saying."

"Well, now what?"

Yui pointed at the other Shinji who was putting the finishing touches on a set of storyboards, surrounded by three naked girls. "Now we can see how world six hundred sixty six turns out."

Shinji sighed. This is really boring, but I'm sure my mom has some reason for doing all this to me.

Yui took her son's hand. I wonder how much longer I can keep him distracted before I can figure out how to get us out of here? -E- -V- -A-

Shinji pulled the storyboards together and tapped them on the floor to straighten them. "There. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this world. It's perfect."

Asuka rolled her eyes. "And how many times have you said that?"

Shinji frowned and looked to his left at the redhead. "I forget."

"Eight hundred, fifty-six times," Rei informed them from the other side of Shinji.

Shinji looked at Rei. "Really?"

Rei nodded.

Shinji concentrated. "Well... I really mean it this time."

Asuka looked at the storyboards. "Failure six hundred and sixty six coming up!"

Shinji shook his head. "No... this one won't fail. No matter what I'm going to see it through."

"That's very mature of you," Misato remarked, walking up in front of Shinji.

Shinji stood up proudly. "I've spent an entire week designing this world and I'm sure it'll be perfect this time!"

"Eight hundred, fifty-seven," Rei said.

"Only if you made me queen of all the little men in the world,"

Asuka remarked, standing regally with her breasts upturned.

Shinji shook his head. "Nope."

"Please?" Asuka asked while rubbing up against Shinji.

"No!" Shinji snapped, stepping away from Asuka.

Asuka frowned and looked at Shinji's groin. Wow, he's serious. His cock didn't even twitch.

Misato smiled. Wow, he's matured to the point that a naked redhead rubbing up against him doesn't send his hormones out of control. Something else occurred to Misato. I wonder if a brunette would get a rise out of him?

Rei tilted her head. I think his penis is dead. Maybe Asuka broke it the last time she twisted it?

* * *

After school, the gang was sitting around the old oak tree in the schoolyard. Kensuke was gesturing wildly with his hands, while Touji was trying to nonchalantly look into Hikari's blouse. Shinji was listening intently to Kensuke, while trying to ignore Asuka's complaints that she was bored.

"I'm bored!" Asuka repeated as she swung on one of the branches of the old oak tree.

Shinji looked at her, only to catch a glimpse of Asuka's green lace panties as she swung towards him. He blushed and looked back at Kensuke.

"So... you want to go today?"

Kensuke nodded.

Touji shook his head. "Um... well... I think we have plans." He grinned lopsidedly at Hikari.

"We'll go," Hikari said, cutting Touji's wet fantasy date with her off at the knees. It could have been worse; she could have cut something off higher up.

Touji's head sank to his chest. "Darn it..."

Everyone looked at Asuka, who shrugged. "I guess... it's a bit boring, but okay."

The others all looked at each other and exchanged a knowing look.

Asuka hopped down from the tree and put her arms around Shinji and Kensuke, herding Hikari and Touji in front of her. "Let's go kick some Angel butt!"

"You're suddenly very eager," Shinji remarked.

"Just getting into the right frame of mind, buttwad."

Shinji smirked, knowing that Asuka loved to play Neon Genesis Evangelion as much as the rest of them.

They made their way to the front gate of the school, only to have a girl run around the corner and crash into them, sending them all crashing to the ground.

"Look where you're going!" Asuka snapped.

Shinji's eyes went wide as a beautiful sea of blue lace was spread out before his eyes. He clutched his nose to keep the blood from spurting out.

Rei slapped her dress down. "Pervert!"

"I like that shade of blue, Rei," Touji remarked and was immediately flattened by his girlfriend.

"Jerk!" Hikari harrumphed and stomped off, followed by a groveling Touji.

Shinji got to his feet. "Sorry... it was an accident."

"Yeah... right." Rei sighed.

Kensuke checked his watch. "We'd better get going guys, the Eva center gets pretty crowded after six."

Rei's eyebrows raised. "Eva center?"

"Yeah, it's this cool game. Ever heard of it?" Kensuke asked.

Rei smiled. "I'm... familiar with it."

"Want to come play with us?" Kensuke asked, ignoring Shinji and Asuka's insistent waves to not invite Rei. Asuka because... well, something bugged her about the blue haired girl and Shinji because Rei wouldn't do anything but crash into him and accidentally show him her panties. Most boys would take the hint, or at least enjoy it, but this is Shinji we're talking about.

Rei smirked. "Sure, it could be fun."

"Let's go then," Kensuke said as he started off in the direction of the mall.

Rei nodded and followed.

Asuka and Shinji exchanged an annoyed look.

"Well, I guess it won't be that bad to have her playing," Shinji remarked.

"She couldn't play any worse than you do."

"Hey!" Shinji snapped.

Asuka giggled and ran off towards Kensuke, who had been joined by Hikari and a bruised Touji.

"Well... at least she has a great butt," Shinji said to himself as he checked out the view from behind.

* * *

The ghostly Shinji looked at his mother. "This... this is the last world I created."

"Yes, it is," Yui remarked emotionlessly.

"I remember this one... I wanted to stick with it even when it got bad."

Yui put her hand on her son's shoulder. "That's a sign of maturity.

Sticking with a situation even when it isn't quite right."

"Quite right?! It bit the big one! It sucked! It blew big time!

It was fu-" Shinji snapped.

"Watch your language, Shinji."

"Sorry," Shinji muttered and looked at his other self, who was in a trance. "He should have started over when... when..."

Yui tilted her head. "You're not sure, are you?"

"Well... no."

"Although there were bad things about that world there were good things, weren't there?"

"Yeah... I guess."

Yui smiled. "That's why you could never bring yourself to destroy it and why..."

Shinji's eyes snapped open when he remembered how he came to be with his mother. "Kaworu!" Suddenly, the theater exploded around him.

Splinters of wood flew all around him as the walls blew apart.

As the winds blasted him, Shinji reached for his mother's hand, but she withdrew it from his reach. "Mother!"

Seemingly unaffected by the winds, Yui shook her head. "You have to handle this on your own, my son."

Shinji saw his mother fade from view as he was sucked away into darkness.

* * *

Shinji opened his eyes and saw a familiar, gray ceiling. "Where...

Oh... shit! I'm in jail!" He looked away from the familiar ceiling and at the rest of the cell. It was the same cell he had stayed in during his last stay in the Tokyo-3 juvie hall. No... He shook his head.

That other Shinji was here. He looked around the cell and saw two other guys snoring in their bunks, leaving one empty. How did I... I was with my mother in the theater and then... what? A familiar feeling washed over Shinji's body. I gotta take a dump. He slipped off the bed and silently made his way to the toilet.

Looking around to see if anyone was watching, he slipped off his pants and relieved himself. "Ahhhh... it seems like an eternity since I've gone."

"You look cute like that."

Shinji went white with fright and looked at his cellmates, only to see them still sleeping in their beds. He looked around and then saw the source of the voice. "Rei?"

"How are you doing?" Rei asked, craning her neck to get a good look at Shinji's mighty oak.

Shinji jumped up and ran to the bars. "Rei! What's going on?"

Rei looked down at her feet. "Well, you're pissing on my shoes, for one thing."

Shinji looked down and saw that he had forgotten to shake and pull his pants up, thus dribbling on Rei's shoes. "Eep!" He reached down, but Rei stopped him and pulled him against the bars.

"I don't mind," Rei said, and pulled him into a long tongue-twisting kiss.

Shinji knew he shouldn't be kissing this Rei, but somehow couldn't pull himself away from her. That probably had a lot to do with Rei's vise-like grip on his penis.

The kiss ended and Rei ran her hand through Shinji's hair. "Don't worry... we'll find some way to get you out."

Shinji frowned. "Why am I in here anyway?"

Rei flinched and looked away awkwardly. "You don't remember?"

"No... not really." Shinji concentrated, but couldn't remember anything after the big fight in the Eva center. Well, except for reliving Third Impact and his first six hundred and sixty-five perfect worlds with his mother, but he didn't think he should tell Rei that.

"Well..." Rei looked away, troubled.

"Tell me."

"They charged you with murder after Hasamoto died on the way to the hospital."

Shinji's eyes went wide. "Kaworu!"

* * *

The girls according to Shinji:

My friends, family, and only reason I'm still sane in this twisted place we call the theater. But I still wish they'd leave my penis alone.


	24. Kaworu Blows!

Garden of Eva - Kaworu Blows!

* * *

Kaworu according to Shinji:

The first person to ever say he loved me, so I crushed his body and watched his head plop into a pool of LCL. I wonder why more people don't say they love me?

* * *

"I'm saying that I love you."

Shinji blushed. "Well... err... I..."

"Does someone saying they love you upset you?"

Shinji smiled awkwardly and looked at a dirty spot on the wall.

"Well... err..."

"Why does such a simple thing upset you?" He reached out and tenderly touched Shinji's cheek.

Shinji flinched. "I... I... I've got a girlfriend!"

"So?"

"I... I'm not gay!"

"So?"

"I don't want you to shove your dick up my ass!"

"Oh..." The large boy withdrew his member from its position between Shinji's cheeks. "You should have said something earlier."

"I... I tried." Shinji relaxed his clenched butt muscles, but kept them on standby in case the boy made another attempt on his... well...

you know.

"What a wimp." The large boy pulled his prison clothes back on and left the trembling Shinji behind in the laundry hamper where he had finally cornered Shinji after a long and exciting chase through the prison laundry. Unfortunately, the budget does not allow that sequence to be written.

Shinji swore to himself. "This blows!"

"Oh, you want a blowjob now?"

Apparently he swore to others too. Shinji looked up from his position within the laundry basket and gulped loudly when he saw the large boy towering over him again. "Um... no, thank you."

The boy frowned. "Damn."

* * *

Shinji almost broke down the window separating him from his mother when she came to visit. "Mom! You've got to get me out of this world!"

Yui blinked. "Shinji, suicide is not the answer."

Shinji looked confused. "Huh?"

"I know things are rough and you're probably getting butt fucked every night, but-"

Shinji's jaw dropped as he heard his mother say something he could never have imagined her saying. "Not yet..." he muttered, his sphincter contracting at the thought of all the times he had had to avoid getting a tree implanted up his backside in the two weeks he'd been imprisoned.

Yui tilted her head. "What was that?"

"Err... nothing." Shinji's blush clashed with the bright orange prison uniform he was wearing.

"Anyway... I know things are bad, but wanting to leave this world by suicide is not the answer."

Shinji shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I just hoped you were my real mother and could get me out of this crappy world."

Yui gasped. "Who told you I wasn't really your mother?"

Shinji paused to consider that statement. If my mom in this world isn't Shinji's mom, then who is his mom? But she isn't my real mom anyway, so I guess that doesn't matter. He shrugged and looked at Yui.

"Yeah, whatever... I just need to get out of here."

Yui blinked loudly twice. "I... I kind of expected a bigger reaction than that."

Shinji sighed. "What does it matter?" He looked up and gestured grandly around the visiting room. "This is all fake. A figment of my imagination. A world I created from the ashes of the world I destroyed."

Yui wiped a tear out of her eye and then pressed her hand against the glass. "Oh, my poor baby has lost his mind. You're not a god, Shinji."

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, I know. Anyone who would make a messed up world like this is more like a devil than a god."

Yui looked sadly at her son. "Shinji, you're not a devil. Sure, you've killed the ex-boyfriend of your half sister-who you've been sleeping with and are going to marry since you've gotten her pregnant-because he beat her up, caused her to miscarry her first baby, and otherwise caused her life to be a living hell, but you're still a good boy."

Shinji blinked loudly twice. He paused and then blinked again since he just couldn't figure out how to respond to that. So he chose a different subject. "So, who's my mother?"

Yui paused to consider if her son was sane enough to handle this news, but decided he was already a lost cause. "We don't know. We found you floating down a sewage filled canal on our honeymoon."

"Hh... hh... honeymoon?"

"Yes, your father was always a cheap bastard, so he booked us on a free sewage inspection tour near Hokkaido."

Shinji shook his head sadly. Well, that's better than my real father in the real world causing Second Impact as an wedding present for my real mom, I guess.

"So this is why we're not opposed to your marriage to Rei."

Shinji gulped. I have to find a way out of this world. "We're doing whatever we can to get you out, so try not to get butt fucked before we can figure something out."

"Mom, I'm not getting butt fucked!"

"I'll come by tonight, honey!" one of the other inmates in the visiting room called out.

"Oh, Shinji. I don't think that boy's your type."

Shinji banged his head on the glass. This must be my punishment for making this screwed up world.

* * *

Yui sat down at the dinner table with her husband. "I think he's gone insane from getting butt fucked all the time."

Gendou nodded and continued reading his newspaper. "You don't say?"

"Yes, and he's talking about killing himself to leave this world."

Gendou took a sip of coffee. "Oh, is that so?"

"He thinks he made the world we live in."

Gendou turned the page. "That's very industrious of him."

"I told him he wasn't our child."

Gendou's eyes shot wide open. "What?!" He slapped down the paper and stood up. "Why the hell would you tell him that?!"

"He seemed to know."

Gendou frowned. "Crap... now he'll never listen to me or respect me."

Yui tilted her head. "He doesn't listen to you or respect you anyway."

Gendou stared at his wife. "How would you know?"

"What's there to respect?"

Gendou scratched his chin. "Mmmmmm... yes, I see your point." He checked his watch. "Well, I've got to get going. Got a major outbreak of clogged food dispenser nozzles over in the Hito ward that needs my attention."

Yui leaned over, gave her husband a kiss, and then handed him his lunch. "Have a good day, Dear."

* * *

Kaworu leaned over, gave his lover a long, wet kiss, and then handed him his lunch. "Have a good day, Shinji."

Shinji was smiling after the kiss. "Hmmm... maybe I'll call in sick."

Kaworu giggled. "You're so good to me." He pulled Shinji into another kiss and then they walked down the hall to the master bedroom together.

They never made it.

Shinji found himself pressed against the hallway wall with his pants around his ankles and Kaworu wrapped around his mighty oak, who was living up to this part's title. Over and over again.

Shinji's eyes rolled upwards. "Oh... oh... oh. Oh, Kaworu!"

* * *

"Oh, Kaworu!"

A large, muscular man looked up from his task. "The names, Sentaru, but I'm glad you like it."

Shinji's eyes snapped open and he saw the gray ceiling. He looked down and saw Sentaru trying his best to get this part named after him.

"Oh, crap! What the fuck are you doing!"

Sentaru paused and looked up at Shinji's face. "Just getting me a taste of heaven." He returned his attention to Shinji's mighty oak.

"Ack!" Shinji backpedaled away from his cellmate and cowered in the corner. "Get away from me!"

"You were asking for it, you jerk!" Sentaru replied, obviously upset at having his fun interrupted.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not times two!'

"Was too, infinity!"

Shinji opened his mouth to make his latest reply, but was bathed in light instead.

"Will you two shut up!" the guard at the bars said. "If you're going to have a lover's quarrel, at least make it interesting for the other inmates."

"What are you talking about?!" Shinji screamed.

"I mean all this 'was not' and 'was too' crap is stupid and childish," the guard explained. "Try insulting each other's looks, or how he never writes to you when he's in solitary, or call him fat and ugly, or tell him his penis is a toothpick, or..." The guard paused as he got a good look at Shinji. "Oh... I guess that last one wouldn't apply to you."

Shinji looked down and saw that his prison-issue underpants were around his ankles. "Ack!" He quickly pulled them up to cover his mighty oak.

The guard looked at Sentaru. "You're a lucky guy, Sentaru."

Sentaru smirked as the guard turned away and resumed his rounds.

"Nothing lucky about it. I saved my cigarette rations for a week to get transferred into his cell and to get Shinji's other cellmates transferred." He clutched his chest and looked upwards as little hearts and flowers floated around his head. "When I first saw him in the shower I said to myself, 'that's the man for you'." He turned his hand upside down and mimed the traditional ball squeezing gesture.

Shinji gulped. "I'm not gay!"

The guard chuckled as he turned the corner. "That's what they all say in the first month or so in here."

Sentaru looked at Shinji with little puppy dog eyes. "So who's this Kaworu that you keep moaning for in your sleep?"

Shinji flinched and looked away. "I don't want to talk about it."

Sentaru smirked. "You were calling his name and rubbing yourself and asking for him to blow you."

"I was not!" Shinji frowned and looked at his cellmate. "Was I?"

"Well... mostly."

"Look... just leave me alone. Whatever you think, Kaworu and I weren't lovers!"

"Then what were you?"

"We were..." Shinji paused as he realized he had no answer for that. "I don't know."

"So you're not seeing anyone?"

"No.." Even as he said that, Shinji realized what his cellmate would make of that. "Yes! Um... well..."

"What's his name."

"I'm not gay!"

"What's her name?"

Shinji thought furiously. "Um... well... it's complicated."

* * *

Sentaru rolled on the floor, laughing his ass off. "So you killed this Kaworu then destroyed the world and now you're in hell?"

Shinji sighed. "It sure seems like it."

Sentaru wiped the tears of joy from his eyes. "That's just so hilarious. I know jail is rough, but calling it your own personal hell is overreacting. I don't think hell has cable TV or guys with cocks as big as yours."

"I'm not gay!"

"Yeah... yeah..."

"Shinji!"

Shinji looked over at the front of the cell and saw Rei standing there. "Rei!" He walked over. "How are you?"

"Lonely." Rei looked awkwardly at Sentaru and back at Shinji. "How are you? Are you getting butt fucked every night?"

"No!" He glanced at Sentaru. "Not really.. Um..."

"Who's the skirt, Shinji?" Sentaru asked, scowling at Rei.

"Just a friend."

Rei sniffed. "Just... a friend?"

"Um.. well..." Shinji thought furiously as he saw Rei's reaction.

Oh, yeah... Rei is this world's Shinji's fiancee. I can't hurt her li... Hey! That could help me with butt boy here. He turned towards his cellmate. "Sentaru, this is my fiancee, Rei."

"What? You're cheating on me?!"

"I'm not gay!" To prove it, Shinji pushed his head through the bars and gave Rei a passionate kiss. He pulled way, leaving a dazed Rei on the other side of the bars. "See?!"

Sentaru was drooling. "Why can't you kiss me like that!"

"Because I'm not gay, you jerk!"

"Are you cheating on me, Shinji?" Rei asked teasingly, reassured of her status in Shinji's heart after the kiss.

"No!" Shinji blushed. "I... err..." He suddenly realized what he did. I shouldn't have kissed this Rei, she's the other Shinji's fiancee. He glanced at Sentaru and realized he didn't have much choice.

"Are you convinced yet?"

Sentaru sighed. "I guess... Dammit... all the hunks in here are straight." He staggered over to his bunk and collapsed into it, pressing his face into the pillow to hide his tears.

Shinji felt sorry for him and took a step towards him, before remembering what he did to him. That... that.. bastard! "Shinji, is your lover's spat over now?"

Shinji looked back and smiled nervously at Rei. "Um... err...

sorry. Things are kind of weird in here."

Rei nodded. "I know. I had my own troubles with lesbians when I was in jail." She smirked. "But I imagine you wouldn't mind lesbians."

"No... err... I mean... Rei!" Shinji was blushing deeply.

Rei smiled seductively and reached into the bars and gave Shinji a peck on his trembling lips. "You're so cute when you're flustered."

Shinji flinched backwards at the kiss. I can't do this with this Rei.

"What's wrong?"

"Umm... nothing."

"Ikari, come on!" a guard barked from the cell door, which he was opening.

"Huh? What's going on?"

"Move it!" the guard commanded and fingered his sidearm.

Shinji moved it real fast.

* * *

Shinji looked into the small, windowless room he was led into. The walls were made out of cold steel and an old, dirty mattress was shoved in one corner. "What's this?"

"Solitary. You've got an hour," the guard said and closed the door.

Shinji's eyes went wide. "Solitary!" He spun around and saw Rei standing beside the large steel door, starting to unbutton her blouse.

"Rei! What are you doing?!"

Rei smiled. "I bribed the guards so I could get a conjugal visit with you."

"Co... co... conjugal?!" Shinji stuttered.

Rei pulled off her blouse, causing Shinji to blush and turn away.

"Yeah... I 'm still not pregnant."

"Pre... pre... pregnant?!"

"Yeah... otherwise my mom won't let us get married. Don't you remember?" Rei put her hand on Shinji's forehead. "Has being butt fucked every night driven you insane?"

Shinji's eyes went wide. "No!"

"Then why won't you touch me?"

Shinji thought back and tried to remember everything about the last world he created. Dammit... I should have paid more attention. Certain things popped into his mind. "Well... yeah, but with me in jail... ACK!

Put your bra back on!"

Rei frowned and looked down at her naked chest. "What's wrong with you, Shinji?"

Shinji gulped. "Um... nothing. It's just I'm glad to see you."

Problem is, I'm seeing too much of you. He frowned as he realized something. Why does seeing her naked seem so weird to me? Rei and other others back in the theater were always naked... but it feels different here for some reason.

Rei slipped her panties off and then frowned at the fully clothed Shinji. "What's wrong? Get undressed." She reached for Shinji's belt, but he pulled away. "Wha... what's wrong? Shinji... have you found someone else in here?"

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Huh? There's only boys here."

"Well... that guy and you seemed to be having a lover's spat," Rei asked, frowning.

Shinji tried to see if Rei was being serious or was joking, but couldn't tell. "Um... no... Rei, I'm not gay and I don't have another girlfriend." He wondered if the other Rei qualified as a girlfriend, but decided not to tax his brain by trying to figure out what his relationship with that Rei was. He had enough problems with the Rei in front of him, as evidenced by her starting to undo his belt again.

"Good!" Rei smiled and unzipped his fly. She smiled more when something popped out and greeted her. "Well at least PART of you is happy to see me."

"Um... it's not that I'm not happy to see youuuuuuuuuuuu..."

Shinji's voice rose several octaves as Rei attempted to usurp this parts title.

* * *

Shinji sat on the floor and stared at the naked Rei in front of him. "Um... well... sorry, but I can't."

"Why?" Rei asked tilting her head.

"Because it's impossible!"

"Why?"

"Because this isn't real!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

Rei reached out and put her hand to Shinji's cheek. "Do you feel that?"

Shinji nodded.

"Then it's real." She put her hand over Shinji's heart. "Do you feel that?"

"Yes..."

Rei picked up Shinji's hand and put it over her heart. And her breast, of course. "Do you feel that?"

Shinji's response was in the form of an erection.

"Is that a yes?" Rei asked, tilting her head to the other side.

Shinji nodded his head slowly.

Rei reached out for his erection and began to ask the question again. "Do you..."

"What the fuck are you two doing?!"

Shinji and Rei looked around in unison and saw a naked redhead storm up to them from across the theater.

"I was just explaining to him that we are real."

Asuka sneered at Rei. "You were going to grab his penis, weren't you?!"

"Yes."

"What'll that prove?"

Rei remained silent.

Shinji looked between the two naked girls, causing his erection to become more pronounced. "Look... this is all a dream, so there's no reason to get angry."

Rei shook her head. "This isn't a dream."

"Yeah!" Asuka snapped. "If anything's a dream, it's your world.

Our Shinji sure fucked that one up real good."

Shinji shook his head in confusion. "I'm sorry, but that story you keep telling me is ridiculous!"

"What's so ridiculous about it?" Asuka demanded.

Shinji's chuckled. "Me, the creator of the new world for a humanity that has been reduced to it's simplest components: souls, memories, and some kind of primordial soup?"

Asuka smirked. "Yeah, when you put it like that it is ridiculous.

*I* would have been a much better choice."

"Every time you created a world or made suggestions the result was a disaster," Rei calmly explained.

"Well... well..." Asuka scrunched up her face. "So what?!"

"And my father... Instead of being the man that overflowed with pride at being able to remove twenty-three beaks out of a single chicken soup dispenser in less than an hour, he is some kind of evil scientist who caused Second Impact and then plotted to cause Third Impact and the end of Humanity?"

"That is correct," Rei confirmed.

"Finally! Now, was that so hard to accept?" Asuka asked.

Shinji ignored Asuka and swallowed hard. "And he turned my mom into some sort of giant robot in a video game?"

"The Evas are not robots in a game," Rei remarked.

Shinji sighed and nodded. "Right... right... They're mechanically enhanced bio-humanoids created in part from the Second Angel."

"That's correct."

Shinji shook his head. "And you-" He looked awkwardly at Rei. "-are some sort of clone."

"Partly. I was created by fusing an Angel's DNA with my mother's eggs. I am the third to hold my soul. Your Rei is the fourth, but she only has a soul in our Shinji's mind."

"How can you say the woman I love has no soul!"

"It is the truth. You have no soul either. Until Shinji returns and frees the souls from me, that world is just a possibility, not a reality."

Shinji's head hurt. "Fine... fine... So where is Ritsuko, your mother?"

"Ms. Akagi is not my mother in reality." Rei looked over towards Misato, who was picking her nose. "Ms. Katsuragi is."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "I never thought of Misato as the motherly type."

Asuka smirked. "Don't you have a one in three chance of being the father of Misato's child?"

Shinji gulped. "Who told you about that?!"

Asuka sighed. "We can see everything that goes on in your world.

Our Shinji created it, remember?"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Yeah... right." A really bad thought suddenly occurred to him. "Everything?"

Rei nodded. "Yes."

Shinji blushed.

"Yes, we know all about you jerking off in the bathtub."

Shinji paled.

"That's okay, Shinji, all boys do it," Rei remarked softly.

Asuka laughed. "Of course, most boys don't talk to their dicks like you do."

"I do not!" Shinji shouted. "I talk to the naked girls.. I...

visualize." Shinji gulped as he realized that two of the most frequent girls he fantasized with were in front of him and naked. He glanced to the side as a third member of his top ten list of fantasy babes walked over, naked as the last time Shinji jerked off... err... 'meditated' to her mental image. He wasn't sure if the theater was a dream or not, but his fantasies were never this detailed. They were generally less confusing, though.

"Will you girls stop upsetting Shinji?" Misato asked as she strode over. She looked at Shinji and put a hand on his shoulder. "How are you, Shinji?"

"Confused, irritated, angry, and I want to get out of here!"

Misato nodded. "You're a lot like our Shinji."

Shinji sighed. "Not this again!"

Misato knelt down in front of Shinji and took his hand. "I know this is difficult, but what we're telling you is the truth."

Shinji tried to look somewhere where there wasn't a naked girl, so he ended up looking at the ceiling. "And you expect me to accept the fact that I'm just a figment of the REAL Shinji's imagination?"

Rei put her hand on Shinji's leg. "You are more than that. As long as your world exists, you are real."

"Gee, that's comforting." Shinji sighed and made the mistake of looking down. "Why are you all naked anyway?!" he blurted as he tried to hide his erection.

The three name women exchanged looks and then shrugged in unison, causing their breasts to bounce in unison.

Shinji sighed. "Well, for a dream it's not that bad." His eyes started to spin as he tried in vain to follow the bouncing nipples.

* * *

"Okay, assume for a moment that I accept that explanation-" Shinji said after they explained everything to him again. Actually, for the fifth time. "-but how do I get back to my world?"

The naked women exchanged a worried look and then looked back at Shinji.

Three shrugs later, Shinji looked away from the spinning nipples.

"Can you stop doing that!"

"What?" Misato asked.

"Shrugging!"

"Why?" Rei asked.

"Because your boobs bounce when you do!"

"I turn you on, huh?" Asuka grinned. "Wonderbar."

Shinji's eyes went wide as Asuka jumped at him like a starving wolf. "Ack!" His head hit the theater floor hard as a naked redhead writhed on top of his body. His oak tree rose to the occasion.

"Fascinating. This Shinji's penis responds one point four eight seconds faster than the penis on our Shinji," Rei remarked as she bent down to examine the penis in question.

Misato looked oddly at Rei. "Aren't you more concerned with Asuka tackling Shinji? You are dating, aren't you?"

Rei started to shrug her shoulders, but stopped and shook her head instead. This caused her breasts to shimmy to the sides. She didn't need to worry, Shinji was too preoccupied by having Asuka's breasts pressed into his face to notice Rei's breasts.

Misato looked worried at Rei. "Rei, as your mother I really have to suggest you fight for your man if you want to keep him."

"This isn't my Shinji." She glanced at the viewpoint. "My Shinji is in a world of his own making."

"Yeah... but..."

Before Misato's worries were realized, Shinji pushed Asuka off his chest and stood up. "Stop it, Asuka! I don't love you! I love Rei!"

Rei's heart skipped a beat. She looked down at her naked chest.

"Fascinating."

Asuka spat on Shinji. "Why! What does she have that I don't?!"

"I've told you all this before!"

"No you haven't!"

Shinji sighed. "Right... you're not MY Asuka, but you sure seem like my Asuka. Always mad, always violent, always a bitch!"

"What did you say?" Asuka asked as she stomped towards Shinji.

Shinji gulped and backed away. She's a LOT like my Asuka. Maybe I shouldn't have said that because my Asuka would do something real nasty to me if I talked to her like that. "Um... sorry..."

"You will be!" Asuka shouted and raised her hand to send Shinji to the next world. And she didn't mean a world they create in the theater, she meant the afterlife. Of course depending on their religion, some people might consider the theater to be the afterlife, just with more young naked girls than one would expect in the afterlife.

Well, that would probably depend on your religion and how horny you are when you think of what the afterlife would be like, I imagine.

Shinji had seen that expression and that upraised hand all too often from his Asuka to not know what was coming next. So he ducked and jumped right against Asuka's naked chest. Well, since this is all a dream... Shinji put his hand to Asuka's cheek and smiled.

Asuka's eyes widened at Shinji's unexpected touch, both his hand and the feeling of his naked body pressed against her body.

"Asuka, you're a dear friend and in another world we could have been lovers, but I can't hide my feelings for Rei."

Rei's heart skipped a beat again.

So did Asuka's. "In other worlds we were lovers." She decided not to mention how bad those worlds turned out to be. It was all Shinji's fault that those worlds blew chunks.

Shinji paused to remember what they had told him about the other worlds he-or his other self-had made. This is a very realistic dream. He looked around the theater. Except for the scenery, it's so low budget. You'd think the afterlife... or whatever it is... would be more spectacular and vast than a crappy run-down theater. "Shinji, please don't stand so close to Asuka," Rei said, tugging at his arm.

Asuka grinned at Rei. "What's the matter, jealous?"

"No, I just don't want him to upset that other Rei."

"You want him for yourself, that's all. You can't wait to kiss him, I bet."

"No, I want my Shinji back so I can have hot, unbridled monkey sex with him."

Asuka's jaw dropped. Shinji's was just a bit behind her's.

"Rei, I don't want to sound overprotective, but I don't think I can condone that."

Rei scrunched up her face. "Aw, Mom! You never let me have any fun!"

Asuka smiled. "Well, that leaves him to me then." She wrapped her arms around Shinji and pressed her breasts into his scrawny chest. "Want to have some fun while you're here?"

Shinji turned bright red, which fortunately kept Asuka from being impaled by Shinji's penis as the blood was needed to form the blush. Not that Asuka would have minded being impaled, mind you. "Um... well..."

Shinji's resolve to live out a fantasy in what he presumed was a dream faltered.

"No..." Rei hissed and pulled Shinji away from Asuka and into her bosom.

Asuka smirked. "Ha! I knew you wanted this Shinji too!'

Rei shook her head. "I'm just keeping him from cheating on my other self. We Reis have to stick together." She spoiled her statement by tightening her grip on Shinji, thus pressing him into her breasts more.

Misato pulled Shinji out of Rei's arms. "That's enough, girls."

In the process of being pulled away from Rei, Shinji got a real close look at something his classmates would die to see: Misato's naked chest. He smiled as he realized he was without a doubt dreaming, since he had had dreams like this all the time. Well, dreams about being pressed into various girls' naked chests, not in the afterlife disguised as an old, run-down theater. "Now.. now... why don't we all stop fighting and get down to some serious sex?" He jumped onto Misato, tackling her.

"Shinji!" Misato gasped as Shinji started sucking on her breasts.

"Ack... you pervert!" Asuka snapped and then kicked Shinji where the sun don't shine. Since there was no sun in the theater, that meant she pretty much kicked him repeatedly all over his body.

"Don't hurt him too much before I get my turn to have sex with him."

Asuka stopped her kicks to stared at Rei in amazement.

Misato stopped wiping the slobber off her breasts. "That's not sex, Rei."

"No need to fight, girls, there's plenty of me to go around,"

Shinji explained and pulled all three of them into his arms.

Later, he leaned against one of the theater walls and rubbed his sore head, then his sore shoulder, then his sore ass, then his... you get the idea. "I guess this isn't a dream after all." He moved his leg and flinched. "Dreams can't possibly hurt this badly."

* * *

Shinji sat on the floor and stared at the naked Rei in front of him. "Um... well... sorry, but I can't."

"Why?" Rei asked tilting her head.

"Because it's impossible!"

"Why?"

"Because this isn't real!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

Rei reached out and put her hand to Shinji's cheek. "Do you feel that?"

Shinji nodded.

"Then it's real." She put her hand over Shinji's heart. "Do you feel that?"

"Yes..."

Rei picked up Shinji's hand and put it over her heart. And her breast, of course. "Do you feel that?"

Shinji response was in the form of an erection.

"Is that an yes?" Rei asked as she pulled down his prison pants.

She bowed her head and wrapped it around the aforementioned reaction.

Shinji arched his back and gasped. "Err... oh... ahhhh... YES!"

Rei smiled as she pulled away from her handiwork. "That was definitely a yes." She pulled Shinji's pants off and then slid on top of him. "Time to make a baby."

Shinji's mind screamed for Rei to stop, but his mind wasn't in control of his body at that moment. Something else with a 'head' was.

* * *

"Ha! He's thinking with his dick again!" Asuka turned away from the viewpoint and looked at Shinji. "Looks like our Shinji is screwing your fiancee." Asuka smirked.

Shinji wasn't happy.

Shinji's face was red.

Smoke was pouring out of his ears.

"How dare I screw my own fiancee!"

Rei blinked.

Asuka blinked.

Misato blinked. "Do you want to rephrase that?"

Shinji glared at the three naked women. "No! I don't know if I believe all this, but if *I* don't get to live out any fantasies with the chicks here why the hell is he screwing my fiancee!"

"Chicks?" Misato asked, smiling. No one has called me a chick in... in... well at least since the end of the world. "Who the fuck are you calling a chick, you bastard!" Asuka bellowed and twisted Shinji's favorite appendage, which was her favorite appendage too.

"We have no birds in the theater, but I can flip you the bird if you want," Rei remarked, and raised her left appendage and saluted with her middle digit.

Shinji freed himself from Asuka's grip and backed away. This is a weird place and these girls are not like the ones I know. He saw a very angry redhead staring at him. Except for Asuka. Man, I feel sorry for that other Shinji. Then he glanced at the viewpoint, which showed his Rei pulling off Shinji's T-shirt. "That mother fucker!"

The three nekid chicks flinched at Shinji's angry response.

Shinji was breathing heavily as he looked at the three naked women.

"Fine, if that's the way he want's it... I'll just have sex with..."

Asuka smiled and jumped into Shinji's arms. "I'm all yours, you stud muffin!"

Shinji dropped Asuka. "Not you..." He looked at Rei. "Rei, would you like to go..." He looked around the theater. "Um... to a corner with me?" It's okay since it's Rei. If it's a dream, then it's no big deal.

If it's real and what they've been telling me is true, then she's still *A* Rei, so it's okay to have sex with her. Rei smiled and nodded emphatically.

Shinji glanced back at the viewpoint, only to see the other Shinji pressed into his Rei's breasts. He walked towards Rei and grabbed her hand. Together, they set off for a corner.

"Excuse me."

Rei and Shinji looked back around at Misato.

"There is no way I'm going to let you sleep with my daughter to get back at yourself for sleeping with your fiancee." Misato crossed her arms over her breasts and looked very motherly. Except for being naked, of course. Of course, most mothers were naked when they became mothers, so maybe it's natural for a mother to be naked. At least that's what the author tells Misato when she complains about being naked all the time.

Shinji looked at Rei and then back at Misato. "I am sick and tired of parents fucking up my love life!"

Rei nodded. "I'd like to be filled with his manhood, Mother."

Misato sighed and looked at her daughter. "Rei, do you love *THIS* Shinji?"

"What is love?" Rei replied.

Misato's eyes went wide. "Oh no! I'm not explaining anything else to you!" She glanced at Asuka, who was pouting on the floor.

Asuka looked away. "Don't look at me. I'm not talking to any of you until Shinji has sex with me."

"It'll be quiet then," Rei said softly

"What was that?!" Asuka screamed and jumped from the floor.

Rei tilted her head and raised her voice. "I said it'll be quiet in here then."

A redheaded blur flew across the theater and tackled Rei. Since Shinji had been naked and holding her hand, he crashed face first to the floor with the two naked teenage girls. The fact that they were naked may seem unnecessary to mention, but as you'll soon see, it is very important.

Shinji's head landed on Rei's breasts and Asuka's breasts landed on Shinji's head. Head of Shinji sandwich.

Now, Shinji was a healthy boy and the sensation of being pressed between two sets of firm, teenage breasts caused a certain physical reaction.

Normally that would be a good thing, especially if the girls belonging to the breasts were willing to relieve the aforementioned physical reaction by a number of oral, tactile, and vaginal methods.

Which both of them were in this case.

But Shinji had one problem. Well, he had one MAJOR problem at that moment and a whole series of other problems lined up behind it.

First things first. His major problem at that moment was a knothole in the wooden floor of the theater floor. That knothole now had a rather large oak tree wedged in it. And the fact that Asuka was doing her best to make Shinji lick her breasts was only causing that oak tree to expand more.

So despite his position between Rei and Asuka's breasts, Shinji was in incredible pain and unable to withdraw his member from the small knothole.

"Come on... come on... suck those puppies!'

"Are you enjoying my breasts, Shinji?"

"Gaaaaa..."

* * *

Shinji lips were wrapped around Rei's nipples and sucking gently on them. I shouldn't be doing this.

Rei's response disagreed with that thought. "Ahhhh..."

Maybe I should stop... Shinji's thoughts were interrupted when Rei wrapped her hand around his penis. "Ahhh... um... er..." His eyes rolled upwards suddenly. Well, I am dating Rei... and I am the original Shinji, so what the heck.

Rei smiled as she felt Shinji's body press her down onto the cold steel floor of the cell. "Wouldn't the mattress be more comfortable?"

She glanced at the old mattress in the corner.

"Err... yeah." Shinji slid off Rei and helped her up. "Sorry."

Rei sat down on the mattress, causing the rats calling the inside of it home to scurry away. "Why are you so nervous? It's not like it's our first time."

"It is..."

"What?"

Shinji eyes went wide at his mistake. "Um... err... I... um... I mean the first time we've made love in a prison cell."

Rei smiled and ran her hand through Shinji's hair. "No... there was that night we spent together in the Osaka-2 jail."

Shinji scrunched up his face and tried to remember the time the other Shinji spent in jail. "Um... we just held hands, didn't we?"

Rei nodded as she reached out and took Shinji's hand. "Yes, but to me that was making love." She tightened her grip on his hand. "Just your touch is enough to calm my troubled soul." She pulled him down onto the mattress and placed her head against this chest. "Just to know that you love me." She traced his lips with her fingertips. "Just the sound of your voice." She reached up and gave him a long kiss. "I love you."

Shinji gulped. "Yeah... me too." As Rei slid into his arms, alarm bells started to go off in Shinji's brain. Wait! This isn't my Rei! I can't tell this Rei that I love her, it's not fair to her or the other Shinji. I don't love Rei, I love Rei. Um... the other Rei. He blinked.

I love the other Rei? Do I? But... why? How? When? Rei cupped Shinji's cheek with her hand. "What are you thinking?"

"Oh... just about how I love Rei," Shinji replied without thinking.

Nothing new about that.

Rei smiled. "And I love Shinji." She slid her tongue into Shinji's mouth and pressed her naked body against Shinji's chest.

Shinji got lost in thought again. I shouldn't be doing this.

But... does it really matter what happens in this world? He made the mistake of looking into Rei's eyes. Yes... it does. His lips slid down Rei's neck and together they slid onto the mattress.

"Shinji! You're free!"

Shinji and Rei's gaze shot to the steel door as it was slammed open to reveal his mother and father.

"That's my son!"

After bashing her husband with her purse, Yui looked between the two teenagers. "Rei? How did you..."

Rei smiled nervously. "Sorry, Mrs. Ikari... I couldn't stand being away from him so I bribed the guards."

Yui sighed adverted her eyes from her naked son and his fiancee.

"Well, get dressed and we can go."

Shinji slid off Rei and retrieved their clothes. "Um... what did you mean I'm free?"

"They just dropped the charges for some reason."

Shinji pulled his pants on. Even if I'm out of this jail, I'm still trapped in this fucked up world I made. So am I really free? Gendou walked over and slapped his son's shoulder, causing Shinji to flinch. "Come on, Son, let's go and forget this whole thing happened."

Shinji marveled at the kind look on his father. Maybe this isn't such a bad world after all. He looked at his mother and smiled. "Let's go home."

Yui smiled and pulled her son into a hug. "Yes, let's go home."

* * *

Shinji was smiling as the sun's bright light blasted his face as he stepped onto the front steps of the Tokyo-3 Juvenile Hall. He had Rei on one side and his parents on the other; all of their arms were intertwined together. That other Shinji must have been screwing up this world, it's perfect now!

"Hey, buttwad!"

Shinji looked at the sound of the voice and saw the face of the boy he had killed, twice. "No!"

"Don't think it's done with us," the image of Kaworu said as it faded away.

Shinji dropped to the ground and wrapped his arms around his legs.

"No... no... no..."

Rei and Yui dropped down to his side in unison.

"What's wrong, Shinji?" both women asked in unison.

"I... I... killed Kaworu!"

"Yes, we know, but don't yell it out like that. We still don't know if you'll stand trial for murdering Rei's old boyfriend," Gendou explained in a straightforward and emotionless way.

The same way the real Gendou used to talk to Shinji.

Shinji sneered at his father. "Shut up! You're the reason I killed him! You bloodied my hands when you almost killed Touji with Unit One!

You made it easy for me to crush Kaworu's body into a bloody pulp with Unit One's hand! You setup Third Impact and made my life a fucking hell!"

Three sets of eyes blinked twice.

"Oh... being butt fucked every night has driven my baby insane."

Rei looked into Shinji's eyes and found only anger and turmoil.

"Shinji, don't let this get to you. Hasamoto was a jerk and would have killed you and me without any hesitation."

Shinji snapped. "No! Kaworu loved me!" He fell forward and started pounding the pavement. "And... and... I LOVED HIM!"

Rei flinched.

Yui flinched.

Gendou swore. "Dammit... my son's gone gay from being butt fucked every night!"

Shinji jumped at his father and put his hands around his father's neck. "I did not get butt fucked every night and don't you dare say anything bad about Kaworu!"

Gendou knocked his son away by instinct. "Shinji..."

Shinji had tears in his eyes when he looked up from the ground where he had fallen and saw the three of them hovering nearby with concern on their faces, even his father. "Don't pity me! I don't deserve it! I killed the one person who ever loved me! I killed Kaworu!"

"Sorry, fuckwad, but I don't love you. And if it wasn't for the cops holding me, I'd kill you where you stand for even thinking that I'm gay. Even if I was, I'd never love a wimp like you."

Shinji's eyes went wide when he recognized the voice. "Kaworu!" He looked around and saw Kaworu-who everyone in this world knew as Hasamoto-standing between the two cops who were holding onto the chain attached to Hasamoto's handcuffs and leg shackles. "No... you're dead..."

Hasamoto sneered. "No... I won't die until I get back at you and that tramp!"

Shinji launched himself at Hasamoto.

The two cops reacted to protect their prisoner, but even they were unprepared for what Shinji did.

Shinji's lips met Hasamoto's and pressed firmly as he savored the feeling of being near Kaworu again. When the kiss ended, Hasamoto was staring bugeyed at Shinji. "I love you too, Kaworu."

* * *

Kaworu according to Shinji:

The first person to ever say he loved me and now I can return that love in this world I made.


	25. Something Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:7 - Something Blows!

* * *

Something according to Shinji:

Well, something is something.

* * *

Shinji had tears in his eyes when he looked up from the ground where he had fallen and saw the three of them hovering nearby with concern on their faces, even his father. "Don't pity me! I don't deserve it! I killed the one person who ever loved me! I killed Kaworu!"

"Sorry, fuckwad, but I don't love you. And if it wasn't for the cops holding me, I'd kill you where you stand for even thinking that I'm gay. Even if I was, I'd never love a wimp like you."

Shinji's eyes went wide when he recognized the voice. "Kaworu!" He looked around and saw Kaworu-who everyone in this world knew as Hasamoto-standing between the two cops who were holding onto a chain attached to Hasamoto's handcuffs and leg shackles. "No... you're dead..."

Hasamoto sneered. "No... I won't die until I get back at you and that tramp!"

Shinji launched himself at Hasamoto.

The two cops reacted to protect their prisoner, but even they were unprepared for what Shinji did.

Shinji's lips met Hasamoto's and pressed firmly as he savored the feeling of being near Kaworu again. When the kiss ended, Hasamoto was staring bug-eyed at Shinji. "I love you too, Kaworu."

"You... you... fag!" Hasamoto shook his arms out of the stunned policemen's arms, swung his arms up to punch one of them in the stomach, and then swung around and rammed his rock hard head into the other police officer's gut. Both policemen crumpled to the ground, leaving Hasamoto free to jump onto Shinji. The fair-haired boy wrapped his hands around Shinji's scrawny neck. "I'll kill you!"

Shinji smiled. "I'm happy... urk..." Shinji stopped smiling when he felt his windpipe close from the pressure Hasamoto was applying to his neck. But he was still happy inside. My death at the hands of the man I killed. I'm coming mother... He didn't mean THAT kind of cumming, pervert.

"Hasamoto, stop!" Rei cried as she ran over. She jumped onto Hasamoto's back and tried to pull his arms away from Shinji's neck.

Shinji's face was a turning a dark shade of blue. So happy... "Get off, bitch!" Hasamoto rammed his arm back, elbowing Rei in her stomach.

"Gaaaaa..." Rei gasped and fell backwards, clutching her stomach.

"Shinji, fight back!" When Shinji didn't respond, she added, "I love you!"

"Wait your turn, bitch" Hasamoto said, glaring at Rei. "I'll kill you next."

Rei proceeded to kick Hasamoto in his family jewels.

Hasamoto let go of Shinji's neck to grab his sore crotch, tumbling backwards in the process. "Bitch." Spotting it from the corner of his eye, Hasamoto grabbed a gun from one of the cop's holsters and pointed it at Rei. "For that, you die first." He squeezed the trigger.

Rei screamed.

Shinji's eyes shot open at hearing Rei's scream. This isn't my Kaworu... I can't let him hurt Rei! As another shot rang out, he jumped up and barreled into Rei, knocking her out of the path of the bullet.

He wasn't as lucky.

The bullet tore into his flesh, sending a shooting pain up his body from where the bullet hit him. Shinji grabbed his bloody crotch and roared in pain.

"Ha! Blew your dick right off!" Hasamoto laughed evilly. "Guess Rei will never get to blow that again." Hasamoto laughed so hard his spleen hurt. "Now that's a blow job I don't mind giving you!" Tears formed in his eyes. "That's the blow job to end all blow jobs!"

So preoccupied with finding euphemisms for 'blow', Hasamoto missed seeing Rei jump on him. "You blew my second favorite part of him off, you bastard!" Rei pounded her closed fist into Hasamoto's face. "Now I'll never get pregnant!" She kneed him in the part that Hasamoto had just shot Shinji in. "You fu... urk..." Rei went silent as Hasamoto slammed the hilt of the gun into the side of her head.

Blood from the gash on Rei's head splashed across Shinji's face.

"Rei!" he screamed as he saw her fall down.

"Don't you dare hurt the boy I found floating down a sewage filled canal and adopted as my only son!" Gendou shouted as he ran towards Hasamoto.

He probably should have omitted the exposition because he was only halfway to Hasamoto when the bullet entered his skull.

"Father!" Shinji screamed as his father's blood splashed across his face, mixing with Rei's. His eyes went wide as he saw the gun pointed in his mother's direction. "Stop it, Kaworu!"

Hasamoto smirked. "I'll kill everything you've ever loved!"

"Then shoot yourself, because I still love you!" Shinji screamed.

Hasamoto hesitated and looked at the gun for a moment.

That was all the time Shinji needed to jump on Hasamoto and grab the gun.

"Get off!"

"I'll get off over your dead body!"

Hasamoto's jaw dropped open. "You... you... sicko!"

Shinji's eyes blazed with hatred. "You don't know the half of it!"

He continued to wrestle for the gun. "You can't imagine the hell my life was, is, and will be!" He felt the cold barrel of the gun pressed into his chest. "All because of..." A gunshot rang out. "Yooouuu..." Shinji's voice trailed off as a warm feeling flowed across his chest.

"Shinji!" Rei screamed.

* * *

"Pull, Shinji," Rei shouted and pushed Shinji's penis.

"I'm trying..." Shinji tried to pull his stuck member from the floorboard that Misato now held in her hands. After they had tried various ways to get him out of the knothole with it still nailed down, they finally pried it off the floor with his penis still stuck in it.

"Hmmm... it seems to be swelling." Rei looked closely at the engorged member, running her fingers gently down the length. This made it grow bigger, of course.

"Rei, maybe you shouldn't touch it," Misato suggested.

"Oh," Rei muttered and pulled away, a disappointed look crossing her face.

"I've got the butter!" Asuka yelled as she raced over with a bowl of butter.

Rei cocked her head. "Where'd you get that?"

Asuka looked down at the bowl of butter. "I just took some milk and put it in a churn and voi-la!" She proudly showed off the bowl of butter.

Misato looked around the theater. "Where'd you get milk from?"

Shinji was more curious as to where Asuka got the churn from or how Asuka knew how to churn butter in the first place, but was in too much pain to ask. Having one's penis stuck in a little hole that is not connected to a woman tends to distract you from asking stupid questions.

Asuka squeezed her left breast. "Where do you think?"

Misato went pale.

Rei squeezed her own left breast. "You can get milk out of breasts?"

"Yeah, that's what breasts are for, dummy. The milk is for babies to drink." Asuka laughed. "What did you think they were for?"

"From what I've been able to tell from the world's Shinji's created, breasts are for boys to fantasize about, fondle, suck, rub, insert their penis betw..."

Misato slapped her hands over her daughter's mouth. "That's enough, Rei."

Of course, that action caused her to let go of the large floorboard that Shinji's penis was stuck through. Shinji was pulled forward by the weight of the board and crashed to the floor of the theater, sandwiching his oak tree between the oak floor and the oak floorboard.

Shinji screamed.

Loudly.

"Fascinating," Rei said as a white fluid dripped out of her nipple in response to the vigorous self-breast fondling that she had just given herself.

Several readers wiped off the blood that had just dripped out of their nose.

Seeing this, Shinji's mighty oak expanded once again. Ditto for the readers.

Shinji screamed.

Loudly.

Again.

The readers just cringed.

* * *

Shinji screamed loudly.

"Calm down, Shinji."

Shinji sat upright in the hospital bed he found himself in.

"Wha..." he looked around. "Rei!" he almost jumped out of his bed, only to find he was handcuffed to the bed frame, not to mention hooked up to a I.V. and other medical equipment. "What's going on?"

Rei smiled and rose from the chair she had been sitting in by his bedside. As she turned to give him a kiss, Shinji could see a large bandage on the side of her head.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just a little flesh would." Rei pressed her lips against Shinji's. Several minutes later, she ran her hand through his hair. "I don't know what is going on between you and Hasamoto, but I still love you."

Shinji started to shake as events flooded back into his mind. "Oh no... I..." His eyes went wide as another piece of the puzzle of his afterlife suddenly fell into place. "Shit!" He flung have the sheets on his bed and pulled his hospital gown up. "Oh crap!" he shouted when he saw the large bandage covering his groin.

Rei reached over and stopped him from pulling the bandage off in his attempts to verify what-if anything-of his manhood was still there. "Don't worry, you're still hung like a stallion. In fact, I asked them to add a few centimeters while they were at it." She winked.

Shinji blushed. It's really odd to hear Rei talk like that... Then he considered that his Rei often said strange stuff like that. But this Rei really means it.

"They said the bullet passed through your scrotum, missing both testicles and your penis before exiting from your anus."

Shinji gulped and clenched his butt muscles. Seems to be functional down there.

Rei slipped onto the bed beside Shinji. "You'll be okay, it'll just be sore down there for a while."

"Tell me about it. It itches like crazy too." Shinji wiggled a little.

Rei's eyes opened wider. "Really?" She pulled the bed sheet down and started scratching the bandage.

"Um... err... you don't have to do that."

"I want to help you recover." Rei rubbed harder.

Several popping sounds were heard as the bandage expanded.

"Arghhhhhhhh!" Shinji screamed.

Later after the sutures were replaced on Shinji's scrotum and the skin of his penis, the nurses left. Rei sat on the chair and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry."

Shinji shook his head. "No, that's okay. You meant well."

"I wasn't trying to arouse you... I just wanted to help you."

"I know." Several awkward moments of silence followed as neither of them knew what to say before Shinji asked another question. "What happened to Kaworu... err... Hasamoto?"

Rei frowned. "Why did you say you loved Hasamoto?" She turned her head away. "After all that he did to me... how could you say that?"

Shinji saw the tear that Rei was trying to hide and it caused his chest to tighten. This world's Kaworu treated this Rei very badly...

but that Kaworu isn't he real one... I already killed the real one...

and then I made this Kaworu... why did he show up here... I never meant for him to be here... I never meant for a lot of this world to be here... or the other six hundred, sixty-five worlds for that matter...

maybe my guilt over killing the real Kaworu cause this world's Kaworu to appear... maybe...

Since Shinji seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, Rei spoke. "I'm sorry. If you love him more than me, I'll leave you alone."

Shinji's eyes widened. "No... no... that's not it..." Shinji sighed and looked up at the unfamiliar ceiling. "It's complicated."

"Are you gay?"

Shinji flinched. "I don't know..."

That wasn't exactly the answer Rei was hoping for.

"The person you know as Hasamoto isn't the same person that I know as Kaworu, but he's similar."

"And you love this Kaworu?"

Shinji sighed. "Yes... but it wasn't a sexual thing... it was..."

Shinji found that he had no words to describe it. "Complicated..." He sighed. "Very complicated."

"Do you still love me?"

"Yes." Shinji answered without hesitation, not even pausing to consider which Rei he was talking to. Or even if he loved the Rei in the theater, for that matter. The answer just presented itself and Shinji had no reason to argue with it.

Rei smiled at hearing the sincerity in his answer. She slipped into bed next to him and snuggled against Shinji's side. "We'll get through this together."

Shinji wanted to wrap his arms around Rei, but was reminded about the handcuffs when he tried. "Why am I handcuffed to the bed?" Visions of kinky sexual positions flashed into his mind, only some of which came from the worlds he had created. The rest came from the smutty magazines Touji used to hide behind the school and show off to the other kids.

Hikari used to bash him over the head with the magazines every time he showed her the magazines and suggested a position for her.

"Well... they are still deciding if they are going to press murder charges or not."

Shinji frowned. "Huh? They had dropped the charges before we left the..."

Rei shook her head and interrupted Shinji. "The gun went off when you two were fighting for it."

Shinji started to tremble.

"Hasamoto is really dead this time," Rei said with a tone that showed she wasn't upset about it, maybe even happy that he was. Anyone who knew their history would understand.

"No..." Shinji clenched his eyes shut tight. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure..." Rei shuddered at the memories. "Some of his brain landed on me."

A hazy memory of the confrontation outside the Tokyo-3 Juvenile Hall formed in Shinji's mind. "Brain..." The image solidified.

"Father!"

Rei put her hand on Shinji's chest to calm him down. "He's alive.

They say he's likely to make a full recovery except for being blind in his right eye."

Shinji shuddered and tried to get up. Once again, the handcuffs reminded him again that he was a prisoner. "Where is he?"

"Down the hall. I've been checking on him while I waited for you to wake up." Rei looked at the door. "Your mother is with him, do you want me to get them?"

"Yes..."

Rei slipped off the bed and shuffled over to the doorway. Before leaving the room, she turned back and smiled. "I love you, Shinji."

Shinji smiled. "Yeah, I love you too."

Rei left, leaving Shinji to say a silent goodbye to Hasamoto and/or Kaworu.

Sorry, Kaworu. Like me, you were born to a life of misery. I hope you're happy wherever you are...

* * *

"Stop pulling on my penis!"

"I'm not pulling it, I'm trying to push it through the little hole!"

"You need to lubricate it more."

"Here, let me do that."

Asuka slapped Rei's hand away from her breast-butter. "No, it's my butter and I'll spread it on."

"You just want to rub Shinji's penis," Rei remarked.

"No!" Asuka insisted.

"Well then..." Rei reached for the butter.

Asuka pulled the butter out of Rei's reach.

"Will you girls stop arguing over who gets to melt butter over Shinji's hot shaft of love!" Misato snapped.

"It's my butter and I'll rub it on Shinji's prick!" Asuka insisted.

Rei frowned and looked at Shinji. "What do you think, Shinji?"

Shinji's face was contorted in pain. "I don't care! Just get my penis out!"

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find you like this, Shinji."

The three girls stopped fighting over Shinji's penis and looked at the source of the voice and gasped as one.

"Mother?" Shinji was so surprised that he released the floorboard.

Amazingly it slipped off his penis and crashed to the floor.

Yui smiled. "Not exactly your mother, but close." She started to walk across the theater floor, almost gliding across the surface as if she was an Angel. A biblical Angel, not the Angels that repeatedly attacked Tokyo-3. Her white silk robes fluttered behind her.

Misato frowned. "Mrs. Ikari?"

Yui nodded. "The original."

"Why are you here?" Misato asked.

"I've left my baby alone for too long." Yui glanced down at Shinji's penis. "Is there a reason that there is butter on this boy's penis?"

Asuka gulped. "I donno..."

"Mom, am I ever glad to see you!" Shinji smiled and took a few steps towards the newcomer.

Yui shook her head. "You're not my son." She looked at the viewpoint that showed the other Shinji being hugged by the other Yui.

"You're just a figment of my son's imagination." She glanced at the three girls, but didn't say anything.

Shinji stopped halfway top his mother. "Not you too..." He plopped onto the floor and started to rub his sore penis. "Dammit."

Yui sighed. "Although you're a lot like my son, always masturbating when there's something important to do."

Shinji blushed and stopped rubbing himself.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Father."

Gendou's head flopped over and he looked at his son with his unbandaged eye. "It's not your fault."

"Yes it is... this whole damn world is my fault!"

Yui knelt down next to her husband's wheelchair and wiped the drool off her husband's mouth. "Dear, our son thinks he's God."

"Oh..." Gendou looked at Shinji. "Then I'd like a better job and my eye back, Mr. God."

Shinji gulped. "Sorry, I can't change what's happened. I'm sorry about giving you such a crappy job, but I was mad at you for using me as your tool to destroy the world."

His-or to be more precise, the other Shinji's-Mother and Father-make that adoptive Mother and Father-looked at Shinji and three eyes blinked twice.

"See?" Yui said, looking back at her husband.

"Yes..." Gendou nodded. "It's a good thing he's already engaged or we'd be stuck with this crazy kid forever."

Shinji sighed. "I'm not crazy. I'm just stuck in a crazy world that I made to get back at my real world." He clenched his eyes shut tight.

"I tried to make things better, but I still couldn't make a decent world for us."

Yui sighed and ran her hand gently through her son's hair. "That's okay, you did your best. No use beating yourself up over it."

Shinji sighed. "You don't believe me. You're just trying to placate me."

Yui nodded. "Pretty much." She looked at the door. "Can I go get a doctor so they can pump you full of drugs?"

"Not right now..." Shinji said absently, obviously not hearing the question. Probably.

* * *

The next day, Rei was again at Shinji's bedside talking about anything and everything with him. If it wasn't for the nurses that were keeping a close eye on them and Shinji's sore crotch after the 'sprung suture' incident-which it had come to be known as around the hospital-she'd be in the bed cuddled up to his side. Among other things.

"Hey, jailbird!"

They looked towards the door and saw Touji, Kensuke, and Hikari standing in the doorway.

Shinji smiled nervously. "Um... Hi guys." He followed Touji's movements as the tall boy walked across to his bed.

Touji frowned and looked down at his lap. "What are you staring at?

Is my fly open?"

Shinji gulped. "It is, but I was actually looking at your left leg and arm."

Touji tucked his one eyed snake back into his pants. "Huh... what do you mean?" he asked as he tucked his penis in next to his pet snake-which had a lovely eye patch over its missing eye-and then zipped up.

Shinji smiled. "It's just nice to see you in one piece, Touji."

"How many pieces should I be in?"

Shinji just smiled.

Hikari rolled her eyes. "I have enough trouble handling one piece."

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, hopefully you can handle him when he finds ou..." He went silent. I'd better not mention anything about Hikari cheating on Touji with Kensuke. "Never mind. How are all you all?"

Hikari gave Shinji a quick hug and then let Touji and Kensuke slap Shinji silly like most 'macho' men would do instead of being honest with their feelings.

Touji slapped Shinji's arm. "Hang in there, pal, at least you're not getting butt fucked in prison anymore." Translated that meant that Touji was very happy Shinji was out of jail and still had his anal virginity intact.

Kensuke laughed and slapped Shinji's stomach. "At least he didn't blow your head off-" He glanced at Shinji's groin. "-before you blew his off." Translated that meant that Kensuke was glad Shinji's penis and testicles weren't blown off and that he wished he could have fired the gun instead. A police handgun is so cool!

"I'm happy you're okay, Shinji." Hikari leaned down and gave Shinji a peck on his cheek. Translated that meant she was happy Shinji was okay.

"So what's going to happen with this?" Touji asked, shaking the handcuff that still attached Shinji to the bed rail.

"I don't know..."

"So what's going to happen with this?" Kensuke asked, glancing at Shinji's groin. Talk about a one track mind.

"I don't know..."

"It'll be okay," Rei said, hope evident in her eyes.

"So what's going to happen with this?" Hikari asked, looking at Rei.

"In a perfect world we'd marry, have two point four children and live happily ever after."

Rei smiled.

"But this isn't a perfect world."

Rei frowned.

"I don't know what's going to happen." Shinji looked at each of the four teenagers in the room. "Maybe that's for the best." He looked at Rei and smiled. "I don't know what the future will bring, but I'd like to find out with Rei at my side and my friends and family along for the ride."

Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji."

"Dang, Shinji's gone all soft and mushy on us," Touji commented.

Hikari smiled. "You could learn something from him, you dolt. I think it's sweet." She unconsciously glanced at Kensuke, who blushed and avoided making eye contact.

"I'll try, Honey," Touji said and then turned towards Shinji. "So you and Rei getting a lot of sex in here?"

Hikari slapped Touji. Hard. He'll never change. "What?" Touji asked, holding his throbbing cheek.

Hikari shook her head sadly.

For the next hour or so, Shinji and the gang caught up on events.

Shinji relished the ability to talk to his friends without being interrupted by having to go save and/or destroy the world, maiming a friend with his giant robot, crushing the body of a boy he loved, or the dozens of other unpleasant things he routinely had to do in the world he destroyed.

In short, he was happy.

And then he had to go and ruin it by asking a stupid question.

"So... where's Asuka?"

"Um... I've got to go now..." Touji tried to make a break for it, but Hikari grabbed his arm.

"What?" Shinji asked.

Hikari stared at Shinji for a few moments before answering. "She's just a little upset at you."

"Why?"

Hikari rolled her eyes. "Gee, you think it could have something to do with you leading her on and then breaking your pre-arranged marriage to her so that you can marry your half sister and future mother of your child?"

Shinji gasped. "Oh yeah... that."

Hikari slapped Shinji. Hard. "How could you make it seem like you're a disinterested third party in this! She loved you, you jerk!"

"Yeah, I know, but it's not my fault. The other Shinji did all that."

Touji smirked. "That's a pretty lame excuse, Shinji. Even I would think up something better. Like saying my mother insisted that I lose my virginity before I was fifteen."

Hikari scowled. "Shinji's lie is more believable than that awful lie was."

"You knew?"

"Of course."

"Darn."

Shinji leaned back and stared at the ceiling he had been staring at for most of the past day. "You all don't know how good you have it here."

Touji stopped begging Hikari to forgive him and looked at Shinji.

"Huh?"

"This world isn't perfect... but maybe..." Shinji glanced at Rei.

"You've gotten really weird, Pal," Touji said.

"Yeah," Kensuke agreed.

Hikari patted Shinji's chest. "My mom once said the world is what you make of it."

Shinji chuckled. "You have no idea how true that is."

* * *

"Hmmmm..." Yui put her arm to her chin and looked at the four naked people in the theater with her. "This isn't appropriate." She reached into her robes and then started feeling up all the girls in the theater. A boob press here. A crotch feel there.

"Hey! Stop that!"

"Interesting."

"At least buy me a beer first!"

Yui finished affixing the fig leaf to Misato's crotch and then stepped back and admired her handy work. "Much better."

The three women looked down and saw that their nipples and crotches were now covered by fig leaves.

"Wha'cha do that for?" Asuka asked, pulling on the leaf covering her left nipple.

"It's not appropriate to run around naked."

"Well, speak to your son about that." Asuka found that she couldn't get the leaf off and moved to the one covering her vagina. "Why won't these come off?"

Rei pulled on the fig leaves covering her nipples and then released them, causing her breasts to bounce. "Fascinating..."

"As I said, it's not appropriate for you all to be naked." Yui looked at Shinji and tilted her head. She looked down at the little fig leaf she had in her hand and then at his crotch. "Hmmm... that won't do." She reached into her robe again and pulled out a large oak leaf and before Shinji knew it the green oak leaf covered his mighty oak. "There, that's perfect."

Shinji looked up from his leaf and saw the three fig-leafed girls.

Blood burst from his nose a second later.

"What's wrong?" Rei asked, taking a concerned step towards Shinji.

Shinji tried to staunch the flow of blood with his hands.

"Nothing... don't get too close!" He looked away from the almost naked women. Weird, seeing them like that is more exciting than seeing them totally naked.

Yui sighed. "So much like my son. Give him everything in the world and he gets bored with it." She looked around the theater. "But take something away and he gets all excited about what he's missing." She looked at Rei, who was trying to casually look behind the Shinji's oak leaf, which Asuka was trying to pull off. "It won't come off, Asuka."

Asuka let go of the oak leaf she'd just been tugging on. "Damn."

Misato rolled her eyes. "Like you haven't seen it enough already to last several lifetimes."

"I believe she's already twisted it enough for everyone's lifetime as well," Rei calmly remarked.

* * *

Later, Asuka was off in one of the thirteen corners of the theater sulking because she couldn't pull Shinji's penis anymore.

Misato and Yui were discussing how to get Shinji out of world six hundred and sixty-six.

Rei three and Shinji six hundred and sixty six were repairing the floor where Shinji's penis had been stuck earlier.

"Do you love that other Rei?" Rei asked as she positioned the board in the hole.

Shinji nodded. "Yeah." He pulled a nail out of... somewhere and positioned it on the board.

"Why?"

Shinji paused and looked up at Rei. "Well... I'm not sure I can really describe it. I just feel so good when I'm with her. It's like she's a part of me that I've been missing and I can't live without her."

"And not me?"

Shinji frowned. "Well... I like being with you, but it feels different for some reason."

"Why?"

Shinji averted his eyes and looked for the hammer. "Um... well... I don't really know. You look like my Rei, but..."

Rei waited for a few seconds for Shinji to finish his explanation, but he didn't. "But why?"

Shinji gulped. "Well, you aren't as emotional as my Rei. You over analyze things and look at me differently."

Rei looked at Shinji. "How do I look at you different?"

"See? You're over analyzing things again."

"Oh."

"My Rei would probably shrug off that comment and jump my bones."

"What does jump your bones mean?"

Shinji gulped loudly. Avoiding answering the question, he grabbed the hammer that had appeared at his side and prepared to pound the nail in.

Rei tilted her head. "What does it mean?"

"Well... you know... have sex."

"Oh."

The hammer descended towards the nail.

"So will you like me more if I fuck you till your toenails curl up?"

Hammer met thumb. Thumb swelled up. Shinji screamed in pain.

"That must hurt," Rei stated the obvious.

Shinji fell back and held his throbbing thumb.

Rei wanted to help, so she leaned down and took Shinji's hand. "I'm sorry." She slipped his hurt thumb into her mouth and slowly started to suck it. In and out. Back and forth. Up and down.

Shinji's oak leaf bulged.

"What the hell are you doing!" Asuka bellowed.

"I believe the proper term would be that I'm giving Shinji's thumb a blow job," Rei said without emotion.

Asuka decided she didn't want to comment on that.

Asuka speechless? It's the end of the world!

Exactly.

* * *

The gang started to file out of Shinji's hospital room. "Hikari?"

Shinji said before she got out the door.

"Yes?" Hikari replied, turning back towards Shinji.

"Can you... stay a bit longer." Shinji looked nervously at Rei and the two boys. "I um... have something I need to talk to you about." He looked at Rei. "Privately."

Rei understood and nodded. She got up and passed Hikari on her way out the door, pulling Kensuke and Touji with her.

Hikari sat down next to his bed. "What is it, Shinji?"

Shinji took a deep breath. "Hikari, I think you need to tell Touji about you and Kensuke."

Hikari gasped. "How did you..."

Shinji shook his head. "It's not important. I can see how awkward you are with the two of them and if you let it go on, it's just going to be more painful for everyone involved."

Hikari studied Shinji's face. "You're different somehow."

Shinji smiled. You have no idea. "If you love Kensuke, you should be with him. If it's just because he's better in bed, then stay with Touji."

Hikari blushed. "Kensuke must have told you that! Why that bragging jerk! I thought he was better than Touji!"

"Kensuke didn't say anything." Shinji sighed. "I just know these things."

Hikari tried to tell if Shinji was telling the truth and could see that he was. "So should I go with Kensuke or Touji?"

"That's something I don't have the answer for. Either way you hurt someone. There is no perfect solu-" Shinji's eyes went wide. "-tion."

Shinji tapped his chest. "Do what your heart tells you to do."

Hikari smiled. "Is that what you did when you chose Rei over Asuka?"

Shinji thought back to what led his alter ego to choose Rei. "Yeah, he did."

"He did?"

"I did." Shinji smiled. "In this crazy mixed up world there is no perfect solution, but you can be happy."

Hikari smiled and leaned over to Shinji. "Thanks." She gave him a brief peck on his lips. "You've matured a lot, Shinji."

"Yeah... we all have." Shinji watched Hikari turn and walk towards the doors. "Who will you choose?"

Hikari stopped and looked back. "That's up to my heart."

Shinji smiled and then a thought struck him. "If you choose Kensuke, just be careful how you tell Touji."

Hikari nodded her understanding. "Kensuke should take an extended vacation, no sharp objects nearby, and a bulletproof glass partition between Touji and me, right?"

Shinji nodded. "Yeah... I know some people at juvie hall that might be able to arrange something for you."

Hikari smiled, but it was a forced smile since she knew she might need to take such drastic steps.

* * *

Later that day, Hikari looked between Kensuke and Touji as she tried to decide who to keep and who to dump. She clenched her eyes shut and then threw a dart in their general direction, unconsciously farting at the same time. Should have never had that burrito for lunch. She opened her eyes and saw that the dart had stuck in the wall halfway between the two pictures of her two lovers. "Darn."

She pulled the dart and repeated the throw a couple hundred more times, the dart never hitting either picture. "Crap." She took a good look at the dart and frowned when she saw the words 'Photographic paper repellant dart. Safe for use at photography exhibits.' "No wonder..."

She got another dart and made sure it was a normal 'hit anything'

dart. Closing her eyes, she threw it. When she opened her eyes again, the dart was halfway between the two photos. "Shit!"

She sighed and decided she'd have to make her choice a different way.

* * *

"So all Shinji has to do is will himself to come back to the theater?" Misato said after a needlessly lengthy explanation from Yui with included several charts and PowerPoint presentations (Microsoft was the software supplier to the afterlife since Bill Gates bought Hell from the Devil in a leveraged buyout).

"In it's simplest form, yes," Yui said rolling out a roll of paper with a ten mile long representation of the Human genome. "The key is in the genetic strands..."

Misato tuned Yui's explanation out, not wishing to be subjected to another discussion on the finer points of Human nature again. Instead, she looked over and saw Shinji and Rei talking together. He'd better not hurt my baby. She looked over at Asuka. Her eyes widened. "Stop it Asuka!"

Asuka stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"Put down the weed whacker, Asuka."

Asuka lowered the weed whacker she held in her hands and took a long look at the oak leaf covering Shinji's privates. "Dammit, I need to get that leaf off!"

"Why?" Misato asked.

Asuka shrugged her shoulders, causing the two fig leaves covering her nipples to bounce. "I just can't stand not being able to see under that leaf!"

"Well, just think of something else."

"Like what?"

Misato thought for a few moments. "Anything."

Asuka dropped to the floor and clutched her head. "I can't! I have to see what's under that leaf!"

Misato sighed.

Yui looked away from her 1:1 scale model of Shinji's brain. "What's wrong?"

Misato smiled lopsidedly. "Penis withdrawal."

"Ah..." Yui nodded thoughtfully. "I always hated it when my husband withdrew his from within me."

Misato grimaced. "That's not exactly what I meant."

"What did you mean, dear?"

Misato opened her mouth to explain, but then thought better of it.

"Never mind. Let's just concentrate on getting our Shinji back here."

Yui nodded. "Well, as soon as he wants to come back, he will."

Asuka looked up at the viewpoint. "By the looks of things, he won't want to leave that world."

Misato and Yui looked at the redhead. "What do you mean, Asuka?"

Misato asked.

Asuka nodded towards the viewpoint.

"Oh my."

"There is no way I'm letting that kid date my daughter anymore!"

"What's up?" Shinji asked, walking up with Rei.

Misato got in front of the viewpoint. "Nothing."

Shinji's eyes narrowed. He could always tell when his Misato was lying and he could see the same reaction on this Misato. Her nipples are getting hard just like my Misato when she lies, he thought as he stared at her fig leaves. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

Shinji tried to look around Misato, but Asuka grabbed him. "There's nothing to see. Let's go fuck, okay?"

"No!"

"Well..." Asuka thought quickly. "Why don't you go fuck Rei then."

Rei's eyes widened and a smile appeared on her face.

"Now I know you're hiding something!" Shinji dodged to the right, Misato dodged to the right. Shinji Dodged to the left, Misato dodged to the left. Shinji reached out and twisted Misato's upper fig leaves.

"Ouch!" Misato dropped to the floor and rubbed her breasts.

"You all masturbate a lot in here, don't you?" Yui asked.

Shinji's eyes widened when he saw the viewpoint. "I'm going to kill myself!"

"Shinji, suicide is not the answer," Yui said softly.

Shinji was too mad at seeing what he was doing with Rei to respond to that. He titled his head to keep up with the action in the viewpoint.

"That bastard!"

* * *

Rei sat on top of Shinji's bandaged groin and pulled off her bra, which was the last of her clothes.

"Rei, we shouldn't be doing this!"

Rei smiled. "Don't worry, they said they put in extra strong sutures this time." She winked. "I think they figured out what was happening after the sutures popped off the third time."

Shinji blushed. "That's not what I meant!"

Rei started to unbutton Shinji's pajama top. "What do you mean?"

"We... we... should wait till we get married."

Rei blinked twice in surprise. "Why?"

Shinji had a very good reason-besides his privates currently being held together by some heavy-duty sutures-but he didn't think Rei would buy the fact that he was from a different world and was still a virgin.

"Just... because."

Rei frowned. "Why are you so cold to me? I know we can't have sex, but I miss being close to you." She leaned down and pressed her naked chest against Shinji's. "I just want you to be happy."

Shinji's eyes widened. "You want me to be happy?"

"Yes."

Shinji put his hand to Rei's face. "What about 'US' being happy?"

Rei smiled and put her hand to Shinji's face. "If you're happy, I'm happy." She stretched out her neck and gave Shinji a passionate kiss.

"As long as we're together, we'll be happy."

Shinji's bandage rose without blowing any sutures out. "As long as we're together-" He ran his hand down Rei's naked back. "-we'll be happy."

Rei started to purr and pressed her body against Shinji.

"Break it up you two!"

Rei and Shinji looked over at the door and saw Ritsuko and Naoko-Rei's mother and grandmother respectively-standing in the doorway.

"Mom!"

"Doc... err... Ms. Akagi, I'm pleased to see you."

Ritsuko's eyes narrowed. "Looks like you're more pleased to have my daughter on top of you."

Naoko stormed over and pulled Rei off Shinji. Then she grabbed Shinji's open pajama top and pulled him up off the bed as far as his handcuffed hand would allow. "You have a lot of explaining to do, mister!" she spat and then slapped him. Hard. Harder than his penis was at that moment.

Shinji's head snapped sideways from the savage blow. "I'm sorry...

I... I... I'm an animal. Rei is just so beautiful and sexy like her mother and grandmother, I couldn't resist."

Rei paused in putting her clothes back on as a warm feeling passed over her chest. He... he's taking the blame for what I did. He's also pretty good at kissing up. A thought struck her. He was never very good at kissing up before. I wonder...

Naoko scowled more at Shinji. "Who the fuck cares about that?!"

Shinji looked confused.

Ditto for Rei and Ritsuko.

"You screwed up the Eva championships, you bastard!" Naoko shouted and then slapped Shinji again.

Shinji was so startled by the fact that she was more upset over the Eva tournament ending in a no-holds-barred fistfight than her granddaughter sitting naked on top of him that he barely felt the slap.

Rei and Ritsuko fell to the floor, dazed.

"You... you're upset over the championships?" Shinji gasped, wondering why the room was spinning around him. Well, maybe he did feel the slap after all.

"Yes! Because of your little stunt, I wasn't able to introduce the next generation Eva game!"

"Next gen..." Shinji shook his head.

"This time the Evas were going to be battling aliens on distant worlds and wearing spandex outfits with capes!"

"I think your granddaughter's wellbeing is more important than some damn game!"

Naoko flinched and glared at Shinji. "How dare you!"

Shinji shook his head sadly. "He did... I did what I had to do to protect the woman I love."

The people watching the viewpoint in the theater all 'awwwwwed'

except for Shinji who was taking notes.

"No, how dare you call Eva 'just a game'?"

Shinji's jaw fell open. This woman is way too fixated on Eva. "Fine, I'm sorry. Eva is a great game, but the woman I love is more important to me. I would think your granddaughter would be more important to you."

Naoko blinked two hundred and forty times. "She is."

Rei's eye twitched. Took you long enough to say that, oldest hag. "Well, as her mother, I have no reservation saying that my daughter comes first." Ritsuko struck a motherly pose. Well, it was more like the pose she was in when she became a mother. Conception or birth doesn't matter, it's the same pose if you catch my drift.

Rei turned away from her mother. The old hag is just so embarrassing sometimes.

Shinji threw up.

* * *

Things calmed down a bit over the next half-hour. Rei was dressed and sitting on the bed next to Shinji. Naoko was sitting in the chair knitting a little jumper. And Ritsuko was reaming Shinji a new one.

Figuratively, of course. If Shinji wouldn't let the scores of prisoners into his backdoor, there was no way he'd let Ritsuko in.

Mentioning this to Ritsuko was the reason for the current reaming.

"If you're going to raise my grandchild you're going to have to straighten up and clean up your potty mouth, you got that, you god-dammed-buttwad?!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good."

"Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that grandchild for a while, will we Shinji?"

They all looked over and saw Yui wheel Gendou in through the open door.

Ritsuko frowned. "What do you mean."

Yui looked at Rei and Shinji. "Rei said it during the fight with Hasamoto and I've done some checking since then." She saw Rei's eyes widen. "Rei isn't pregnant."

"Am too!"

Ritsuko looked at her daughter. "But... but the prison nurse..."

Yui shook her head. "I had a... talk with her and she fessed up to being bribed to fake the positive pregnancy test."

Rei scowled. "She's lying!"

Ritsuko swore. "Dammit, I knew I should have had the tests done again."

"I'm telling you, I'm really pregnant!"

"Rei, let it go. It's time to be truthful."

Rei looked at Shinji with disbelief. "Shinji... shhhhh... she was buying it."

Ritsuko actually giggled. "You weren't even close to making me believe it."

Rei pouted. "Dang."

"Well, at least I don't have to let you marry this jackass now,"

Ritsuko said, looking at Shinji.

Rei's eyes went wide and she jumped to Shinji's side and grabbed him, afraid to let go. "No!"

"There's no way I'm going to let you marry your half-brother now that you're not carrying his child!" Ritsuko shouted at her daughter.

"I'll marry him over your dead body!"

Ritsuko scratched her head. "That's my line, isn't it?"

"No, because if you don't let me marry him, I'll kill you, you old hag!" Rei's face was filled with hatred.

"Calm down, Rei," Shinji said, holding back Rei. He looked at Ritsuko. "If she wasn't my half-sister, would you let her marry me?"

Ritsuko looked ready to bite Shinji's head off, possibly both of them. "You little fuc..." A light bulb suddenly went on over her head.

She turned towards Naoko. "Mom, stop playing with the light switch!"

Naoko smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I thought you needed more light for dramatic effect."

Ritsuko sighed in disgust at her mother and then turned back to Shinji. "You little fuckwad... if you weren't Rei's half-brother I'd kill you."

"But could I marry her?"

"Sure." Ritsuko smiled smuggly, knowing that it was a safe thing to concede to.

Shinji smiled. "Then I can marry her. I'm not Gendou Ikari's real son, so I'm not really her half-brother."

"What?!" Rei and her mother shouted at the same time, while her grandmother turned off all the lights in the room.

For dramatic effect, of course.

* * *

"What?!" Shinji shouted at the viewpoint. "What does he mean I'm not my father's son?" He looked at his mother, or who he thought of as his mother.

Yui shrugged. "Don't look at me. He must have wished not to be his father's son at some point."

"Why?" Shinji asked. "I know my dad is a bit of a jerk and has a lame job, but what is that other me's problem with him?"

Yui looked awkwardly at the other residents of the theater.

Asuka laughed. "Who want's to start the list?"

* * *

"Rock... paper... scissors!" Hikari and Kensuke said before school.

Hikari held up a flat hand. "Paper."

Kensuke held up two fingers. "Scissors cuts paper."

Hikari smiled. "Okay, you're my boyfriend. Now get out of town so I can tell Touji."

Kensuke gulped loudly. "What?! You said this was to determine what we did tonight!"

"Yeah, but it was really to decide which boyfriend to keep."

Kensuke wiped the sweat of his face. "What a way to decide something so important."

Hikari shrugged. "It was this or I let you and Touji fight for me in a no holds barred death match."

Kensuke gulped loudly.

"So if you can get out of town for a week or so, I'll try and tell Touji."

"Okay... but I'd rather you had chosen me because your heart told you to."

Hikari looked around to make sure no one was nearby and then wrapped her arms around Kensuke's neck. "I did."

Kensuke frowned. "But the game we..."

Hikari smiled. "You ALWAYS chose scissors when we play this game."

"Then..."

Hikari nodded. "I love you, Kensuke." She stood on her tiptoes and gave Kensuke a long kiss.

Kensuke's eyes were spinning when their lips parted. His head was spinning a second later.

Touji landed a fist to Kensuke's chin, causing his head to spin around a few times. A second punch sent the fair-haired boy flying against the back wall of the school. "How dare you kiss my girl, you two-timing bastard!"

Kensuke was shaking as he saw the tall boy storm up to where he had fallen. "I... I... I'm sorry!"

Touji rolled up his sleeves. "You will be!"

* * *

"That bastard!" Shinji shouted when the list reached two hundred and sixteen items. "How dare he do all that to that other Shinji!" He plopped down onto the floor.

Yui nodded. "Yes, my husband is a unfeeling bastard who I should have killed on my wedding night when he couldn't get it up, but he's still a good man."

"I didn't need to hear that."

"Well, at least he got it up long enough to have you, Shinji!"

Asuka shouted and then started to laugh.

"Shut up, Asuka!" The other residents of the theater chorused together.

* * *

"So my mother and father found me floating down the sewage filled river near Hokkaido," Shinji finished explaining how he became an Ikari.

Rei was smiling. "Now I can marry you!"

"No, he can't!" Ritsuko yelled. "I don't care if he isn't your half-brother, I'm not letting you get married!"

Rei glared at her mother for the two millionth, thirty-five thousandth, seven hundredth, and fifty-first time since she was born, where she glared at her mother as soon as she left the womb. "But you said if he wasn't my half-brother, I could marry him!"

Ritsuko shrugged. "I lied."

Naoko cleared her throat. "Before my daughter gets killed by Rei and Shinji, I think you all should know something."

Everyone looked at Naoko and asked, "What?"

Naoko looked at her daughter. "Ritsuko, you didn't know this since you were unconscious because you couldn't stand the pain of childbirth, you little wimp, but..."

"Hey! I was in a lot of pain!"

Naoko ignored her daughter's outburst and turned to Rei. "Anyway, Rei, you have a twin brother. Since we only needed one baby for appearances, after the birth I took the ugly one and put it into a sewage filled river near Hokkaido." She looked directly at Shinji.

"Shinji isn't your half brother, he's your full brother and your fraternal twin."

Shit.

Fan.

You know the rest.

* * *

Something according to Shinji:

Wasn't that something?


	26. Shinji's Perfect World Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:8 - Shinji's Perfect World Blows!

* * *

Shinji's perfect world according to Shinji:

It bites, sucks and blows! I want to destroy it and all memory of it!

* * *

"Hi, Sis, what's up?" Shinji asked, looking up from the video game he was playing. On the television screen, a big purple robot was dissecting some kind of redheaded monster.

A short, blue-haired girl bounced into the room. "That cute boy finally asked me out!"

Shinji smiled. "I'm amazed he had the nerve."

"Why?"

"All the boys think you're weird."

Rei frowned. "Why?"

"Because you have sex with your brother and run around naked."

Rei looked down at her naked body. "Is that wrong?" she asked, squeezing her breasts.

Shinji shrugged and started hacking apart a monster with a mustache-less beard. "I don't think Touji sleeps with his little sister."

"Well, I'm your older sister."

"Only by a few minutes!" Shinji insisted. He was distracted just long enough for the monster to slice off his second favorite appendage.

That being the arm that he used to have fun with his most favorite appendage. Thank goodness this is only a game. "Not that again..." Rei sighed. "I'm sorry I elbowed you on my way out of Mom's uterus, okay?"

Shinji didn't look away from his video game. "That didn't sound very convincing."

"Whatever..." Rei smirked.

"Anyway... your age isn't the problem. Most siblings don't have sex."

"Except in Arkansas."

Shinji sighed. "Actually, West Virginia has more instances of recorded incest."

"Whatever," Rei replied, rolling her eyes. "I didn't see you complaining last night when we did it in the attic."

"Well... um... if you'd have turned on the lights, you'd have seen me complaining!"

Rei smirked. "Or the day before in the laundry room."

"Well... if you'd have looked up from my penis, you would have seen me complaining!"

"Or in front of class last week for sex-ed class."

"Well... I didn't want to flunk... ack!" Shinji screamed as Rei sat down on top of his joystick, which was made out of solid oak. And it was getting more solid every time Rei bounced up and down on it.

Why was Shinji playing a video game in the nude, you ask? Don't ask, just imagine a naked Rei bouncing up and down on top of you and enjoy. Female readers can picture themselves bouncing up and down on top of the male stud of their choice or they can just keep the Rei image if they swing that way. And to cover all bases, males that swing that way can picture themselves on top of Shinji's oak joystick, but please don't send pictures (mental or physical) of such activities to the author.

Then the worst thing that could happen to a brother and sister who were fu... um... engaged in sexual intercourse happened.

Their mother walked in.

"Hi, Mom," Rei said as she arched her back.

Shinji just grunted as his seed flowed into his sister.

"When you two are done can you take out the garbage?"

Shinji mumbled something.

"What was that?" Yui asked her son with his dick in her daughter's vagina. Of course, Shinji was her only son, so qualifying that he was the one with his dick in her daughter's vagina is pretty much unnecessary and is only included to make it perfectly clear that Shinji's penis was thrust far into Rei's hot, dripping wet vagina.

"Nothing..."

Rei smiled. "It's okay, we're done here anyway," she said as she stood up, letting Shinji's oak tree drop to the forest floor.

"Man, you'd think I could screw my sister without being interrupted all the time!" Shinji complained as he went back to his video game.

"Shinji," Yui said, glaring at her son who had just ran his oak tree up her daughter's sawmill.

Shinji gulped. "Okay... okay... I'll take the trash out." He stood up and walked out of the room.

"Good boy."

A minute later, shocked cries were heard outside.

Yui shook her head sadly. "He forgot to get dressed again."

Rei smiled. "It's okay... it makes it easier for me to get him to fuck me."

"Yes, I guess it would." She sighed. "I wish I could get your father to fuck me, but he's always at work with his boss."

"How is Mrs. Akagi?"

"Your father says she's great."

* * *

Shinji sat bolt upright in his bed and looked around. "Oh... thank goodness, it was all a dream."

"Shinji, get dressed. Your birth mother and the sister that you've been having sex with are here."

Shinji cringed at hearing his mother's voice. "Guess that dream was better than reality."

It took three point one four seconds for Shinji to realize that he wasn't in a real world. In fact, he wasn't sure what was real anymore.

He got up and looked into the mirror over the dresser. "Is this world real?" He touched his cheek. "Am I real?" A hand reached into his shorts and grabbed his penis.

"Feels real to me."

Shinji spun around and gasped. "Rei!"

Rei smiled. "Morning."

Shinji smiled nervously. "Morning."

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

In all, ten seconds went by before Shinji spoke. "Um... are you going to take your hand out of my shorts?"

Rei cocked her head and squeezed Shinji's cock. "Why? You got your bandages off, so..."

Shinji's mouth opened, but no words came out of it. That probably had to do with what Rei was currently doing inside his shorts.

"Uhhhhhh..."

Rei smiled.

Shinji finally realized why he shouldn't let Rei do what she was doing in his shorts. "Rei, I'm your brother!"

"Yeah, whatever. Half or full, I still love you."

"Well... um... erk!" Shinji's eyes rolled back into his head and dropped into his shorts. They knocked against his balls and made a thunderous clang. Stimulated by this, his oak tree made its appearance through the opening in his shorts and spurted his seed across the room, nailing his birth mother in the eye.

His other self's birth mother, that is. "Of all the kids in the world I had to have, I have to have two that can't stop having sex with each other for five minutes!"

"Hey, I haven't seen him since last night!"

Ritsuko sighed and wiped the cum out of her eye. "Ten horrible minutes in bed with a jackass and now I'm stuck with a son and a daughter who can't keep from fucking each other at the drop of...

anything."

"It's because we love each other!" Rei said, snuggling up to Shinji's side.

"Love is more than sex!"

"You're one to talk! Ms. Wham, bamm, thank you for knocking me up, I'll see you in fifteen years to totally destroy our twins only hope for happiness!"

"Take that back!"

Shinji got between his birth mother and fraternal twin. "Now, now, girls, let's not fight."

The glare the two women gave him caused his oak tree to turn into an acorn and bury itself deep in his forest.

* * *

Plan A:

"We all move into a big house together."

"Do I get to have sex with you, Ritsuko?" Gendou asked.

Ritsuko opened her mouth to speak, but Yui answered first in the form of a frying pan to Gendou's skull.

* * *

Plan B:

"We all move into a big house together. Gendou only gets to have sex with Yui-"

"When I feel like it," Yui interjected.

Ritsuko nodded. "-when she feels like it. I only have sex with Maya. Rei and Shinji don't have sex with anyone, especially each other."

"Hey!" Rei and Shinji jumped to their feet and objected to plan B.

* * *

Plan C:

"We all move into a big house together. Gendou only gets to have sex with Yui when she feels like it. I only have sex with Maya. Rei and Shinji can have sex under my strict supervision."

"Hey!" Rei and Shinji jumped to their feet and objected to plan C.

"You like to watch that sort of thing?" Yui asked Ritsuko.

Ritsuko blushed. "No! I... um... just want to make sure my daughter isn't hurt by my son's huge penis."

Yui nodded. "Yes, I can see why you'd be concerned." She looked at her adoptive son. "He is hung like a stallion."

"Mom!"

* * *

Plan D:

"We all move into a big house together. Gendou only gets to have sex with Yui when she feels like it. I only have sex with Maya. Rei and Shinji can have sex, but Shinji has to be castrated."

"Hey!" Rei, Shinji, and Gendou jumped to their feet and objected to plan D.

* * *

Plan E:

"We all move into a big house together. Gendou only gets to have sex with Yui when she feels like it. I only have sex with Maya. Rei and Shinji can have sex, but they can't get married or have kids."

Yui frowned. "I always wanted grandchildren."

Ritsuko thought for a moment. "Since Shinji isn't your real son, he can get you pregnant and you can call the kid your grandchild."

"Hey!" Rei jumped to her feet and objected to plan E. She glared at her partner in incest.

Shinji hesitated just a bit before he objected. "No way!"

Yui considered it before shaking her head. "I wouldn't feel right having someone who sucked my breasts be the father of my child and/or grandchild."

Gendou grumbled something about never getting to suck his wife's breasts.

"You're not a baby, dear, so don't act like one."

* * *

Plan F:

"We all move into a big house together. Gendou only gets to have sex with Yui when she feels like it. I only have sex with Maya. Rei and Shinji can have sex if Shinji gets a vasectomy."

"Hey!" Rei and Shinji jumped to their feet and objected to plan F.

"What?"

"No touching the oak tree with any surgical instruments!" Rei insisted.

"Oak tree?" Ritsuko asked, puzzled. She sighed. "That's why I'm a lesbian now... all these stupid nicknames for a guy's cock that you have to remember. At least a woman's vagina only has a few nicknames."

To prove her wrong, the others in the room started listing the better-known ones.

"Beaver."

"Cum target."

"Cunt."

"Honey pot."

"Oak tree planter."

"Snatch."

"Slot A."

"Taco."

"Clams."

"Warm slurpee."

"Ugly."

"Vagina."

"That's its real name, Shinji."

"Oh..."

"Black hole of love."

Yui shook her head sadly when her husband used his usual term for her vagina. "Why did I ever marry this jerk?"

* * *

Plan Z-triple X-BL-0-W5:

"We all move into a three town houses in the same complex. Yui and Gendou in one. Maya and me in another. My mom in a old bat's home."

Ritsuko paused and made sure her mother was still in the bathroom, then continued. "And Shinji and Rei in the third, but chained up so their privates can't touch each other."

"Hey, that's not what we agreed!" Shinji jumped up.

"Yeah!" Rei jumped up next to Shinji. "He gets to take the chain off at least once a week or there's no deal!"

Ritsuko sighed and crumpled up the latest plan and tossed it onto the waist deep pile that surrounded them all. At least the pile of rejected plans keeps those two brats from getting it on. Impeded by the accumulated garbage, Rei sat at arm's length from Shinji. She couldn't reach any part of him with her hand, but her foot was another matter.

Shinji tried to keep a straight face as Rei's foot shellacked his oak tree.

"Shinji, do you need to go to the bathroom?" Yui asked, noticing the constipated look on his face.

"No!" Shinji squeaked in a high-pitched voice.

* * *

After the 'how to keep our unhappy families together without one of us strangling another member of that new unified family' negotiations had broken down for the second day in a row, Shinji lay in his bed and looked up at the ceiling. "Maybe we shouldn't have tried to emulate that old anime show."

Rei sighed. "Yeah... who's idea was it?"

"My mom... err... my adoptive mother. She swore that it worked for two families that swapped parents in Marmalade Boy, so the same thing should work for us."

"If only our lives were as simple as an anime show."

"Yeah..." Shinji sighed. "Maybe we should just run away together."

"That didn't work out so well the first time," Rei reminded him, reaching for his hand.

Shinji thought back. "Oh, yeah..."

"At least they are still talking."

"Yeah."

"I expected my mom and grandmother to forbid us to ever see each other again."

"Yeah."

"I hope we can come to an agreement soon, I miss touching you."

Shinji gulped. "Yeah... um... me too." He stretched his leg to get a half-centimeter closer to Rei.

The chain around Rei's ankle rattled as she reached and touched the tip of Shinji's outstretched finger. "They don't trust us, do they?"

Shinji looked down at the chain on his ankle and then at the similar chain on Rei, which were keeping them from getting any closer to each other. "No, I guess they don't."

* * *

"At least that fucker can't touch my Rei!" Shinji yelled at the viewpoint.

"You could get back at him by having sex with me," Asuka suggested as she rubbed her fig leaves against Shinji's naked chest.

Shinji sighed. "Why do you keep suggesting that!" He pushed her away and tugged at his oak leaf covering his oak tree and acorns. "It's not like we can get these leaves off!"

Asuka harrumphed and tugged on her fig leaves for the millionth time. "You ever hear of foreplay, you dork?!"

"Foreplay?" Shinji thought. "Is that when Rei puts the condom on?"

Asuka shook her head sadly. "Such a boring little sex partner."

"Yeah, like you would know!"

"I would." Asuka grinned. "I've had sex with our Shinji many times."

"That's not what you said before."

Asuka swore.

"Or Rei said."

Asuka swore again.

"Or Misato... or my... err.. that other Shinji's mother."

"Okay already!" Asuka snapped and stormed away. "All I want is a little sex, is that too much to ask?!" She dropped down into a corner and started to leaferbate. Don't know what that is? Just imagine your erogenous zones are permanently covered by fig leaves and you'll get the picture of what Asuka is doing.

* * *

Two weeks earlier, a teacher had interrupted Touji's attempt to beat Kensuke into a bloody pulp. After searching high and low for Kensuke since then, Touji had finally tracked down the boy who had once been his best friend. Now, Touji only saw him as the boy who had stolen his girl from him. There was only one way he knew to respond to such a betrayal: with violence. "I'll teach you to steal my woman from me!" he yelled as his fist impacted Kensuke's already bloody face.

"Touji, please stop!" Hikari pleaded, trying to get between Kensuke and Touji.

Touji reached around Hikari and landed another fierce hit to Kensuke's face. "Stay out of this, it doesn't concern you!"

Hikari flinched. "How can this not concern me? You're beating up the boy I love!"

"You love me!"

Hikari's muscles tensed. "No, I'm sorry, but I love Kensuke now."

Touji stopped his latest swing and looked at Hikari. "You're just saying that because I hit on Sana."

Hikari shock her head. "No..."

"Ami?"

Hikari shook her head.

"Fumi?"

Hikari shook her head.

"Miki?"

Hikari realized that she had made the right choice. "You jerk!"

Left hook followed by a right jab.

Touji gasped and crumpled to the ground. "Wh... what?"

Leaving the gasping Touji on the ground, Hikari rushed to Kensuke's side. "That's why I can't stand being your girlfriend!" She ripped off a piece of her skirt, moistened it with her tears, and dabbed it onto Kensuke's bruised and bloodied face. "No matter what you say, you're always leering at other girls, always chatting them up, and always being a two timing jerk!"

Touji shook with rage. "How can you dump me for this... this...

this traitor!"

Hikari opened her mouth to protest, but Kensuke spoke first.

"Touji... I'm sorry, I tried to fight my feelings for her, but... but...

I fell in love and couldn't fight them any longer."

Hikari smiled.

Touji clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly as he tried to figure out what to do. His final solution was-to say the least-unusual, not to mention bloody. But then so was everything in the world he lived in, so it fit right in. If it had some unbridled sex, it'd be even more normal for his world.

* * *

Hikari gasped and clutched her chest when she saw Kensuke's arm get severed. "Oh no!"

Asuka put her arm around her friend and tried to reassure her.

"Don't worry... he'll be okay."

A loud clang rang out as Touji deflected Kensuke's latest sword swing.

"Chop Touji's legs off, Kensuke!" Hikari yelled at her boyfriend.

"Don't say that!"

Hearing the shout, Hikari looked behind her and saw Shinji and Rei walking up to them. "Why?"

"That isn't something I want... to see again..." Shinji shuddered.

Asuka briefly stopped glaring at Rei in order to glance at Shinji.

"It's just a game, Shinji."

Hikari glanced at Asuka. "It's not a game... it's my love life."

"Your love life is pretty bloody," Asuka remarked as she looked at the video monitors just in time to see the brown Eva hack what looked like a liver out of a black Eva. "Ha! Kensuke's got Touji's liver!"

Hikari snapped her eyes back the screens. "Alright! Gut that bastard, you stud!" She looked back at Asuka. "At least this is better than watching Touji really beat up my sweet Kensuke."

Asuka smiled. "I still can't believe that you and Kensuke are in love. Who'd in their right mind would've thought you two could be a couple?"

"Maybe I wasn't sane when I thought this world up..." Shinji muttered.

"What was that?" Asuka asked.

Shinji gulped. "Never mind."

"This is certainly an interesting way to decide who's going to be your boyfriend," Rei remarked, as Touji activated his jump jets to avoid having his Eva's legs amputated.

"It isn't... I've already decided on Kensuke." Hikari winced as Touji started hitting Kensuke with a large mutated sea bass. "This game is to allow Touji to accept it."

Asuka looked skeptically at her friend. "Do you really think playing this game will change Touji's desire for you?"

"Probably not... but I believe Touji will do the right thing in the end. Otherwise, I'd have fled to Osaka-2 with Kensuke."

Rei shook her head. "Trust me, that may not be a good idea." She squeezed Shinji's hand.

Asuka looked back at the monitors and cringed when Touji swung upwards with his poleaxe, driving the blade deep into the groin of Kensuke's Unit Ten. "I hope you're right."

Hikari cringed. "Thank goodness this is just a game."

Unseen by the others, Shinji trembled as he remembered his real battles within Unit One. And they were anything but a game.

* * *

With the sharp end of the poleaxe still embedded in his groin, Kensuke lashed out at Touji with his right arm blade, but found that he couldn't reach the black Eva that was holding onto the other end of the poleaxe.

"Sorry to have to do this to another guy, but..." Grinning from ear to ear, Touji twisted the poleaxe.

Kensuke's Unit Ten howled in pain just as it was programmed to do whenever a sharp object impaled its groin. For whatever reason, the Eva's all had various programmed responses to groin impalement and penis mutilation.

Rei knew the reason all to well; her grandmother hated men. Not to mention she was as crazy as a Japanese anime director.

Kensuke didn't feel the poleaxe himself, but he winced in pain as he saw his Eva's large penis fall off and crush a tanker truck parked underneath him in the city landscape they had chosen for the battle.

Seeing the tanker start to smoke, Kensuke grinned as a plan formed in his mind.

Touji pushed on his poleaxe again, shoving it deeper into Kensuke's groin. He was so preoccupied with his impending win that he missed seeing Kensuke kick the tanker truck. He did see it when it crashed into his Eva's face and exploded. "Crap!"

Kensuke felt the poleaxe being released and watched Unit Three stumble backwards, its upper body engulfed in flames. Reaching forward he tried to pull the poleaxe out of his groin, but couldn't. "Uh oh..."

he gasped as he saw Unit Three stumble forward, still operational despite half of its head being blown off along with its left arm. The charred remains of its still burning flesh hung precariously on its skeleton.

Touji's eyes burned with rage. "Throw a tanker truck at me, will you!" He wrestled with his controls, trying to adjust for the loss of one of his monitors and extensive damage to the control systems.

Seeing the ghastly remains of Touji's Eva stumbling towards him, Kensuke snapped the poleaxe in half. Leaving half of the pokeaxe's shaft imbedded in his groin, he ran forward and pointed the other half of the large wooden shaft at Touji. "Take this!"

Touji tried to dodge Kensuke's shaft, but couldn't get out of the way and he found himself with Kensuke's shaft thrust up his anal discharge port. His ass, in other words. "Arghhhh..."

"How do you like that, bitch!"

In the briefing room, Hikari's eyes went wide. "Kensuke really gets over-excited when he plays this game."

Asuka smirked. "Or he just likes ramming his shaft up another guy's..."

Hikari, Rei, and Shinji all slapped their hands over the redhead's mouth.

A bright light caused Hikari to look away from Asuka at the screens. "His S2 engine exploded."

Asuka mumbled something incoherent.

Shinji didn't know it, but he was about to say exactly what Asuka was trying to say, but wasn't able to with her mouth covered. "It's a tie game."

Hikari sighed. "That's the third tie today. Plus six in yesterday's matches."

Rei's eyes went wide. "Really?" Hikari nodded. "That's very unusual, ties are very rare in Eva."

"What about tuxedoes?" Shinji asked, smiling.

The three girls started to laugh.

* * *

"What a lame joke!" Shinji blurted and looked away from the viewpoint.

Asuka smiled and stopped pulling on Shinji's oak leaf. "Yeah, Shinji always told lame jokes."

Shinji shook his head sadly. "See, I knew he couldn't be the real me. *I* never tell lame jokes!"

Asuka smiled and sat down on the theater floor. "Okay, tell me a joke."

Shinji gulped loudly.

* * *

"What a lame joke!" Asuka said for the hundredth time after Shinji told his hundredth lame joke.

Rei, on the other hand, was rolling around on the theater floor laughing her ass off. Well, not literally, since her ass was still attached to her firm teenage body.

Shinji was blushing either in embarrassment at telling such awful jokes or because of how incredibly sexy Rei looked rolling around in front of him with nothing but her three fig leafs on. "Well.. well..

it's because... um... you just..." He glanced at Rei again, causing his oak leaf to bulge. "Um... Rei likes my jokes."

"Well, she just doesn't know any better." Asuka looked around. "Now if Misato or your mother would laugh..."

One more joke later, three women were roiling around on the floor laughing their asses off. Shinji looked over at Asuka and smirked.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you jerk!"

* * *

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you jerk!"

Touji cringed and backed away from the angry redhead who had greeted him when he walked into the Eva center's briefing room. "What?

All I said was that I'd get the 'slimeball bastard that stabbed me in the back and stole my babe from me' next time."

Asuka took a step towards Touji and seemed to tower over him. "Stop treating Hikari like some kind of prize!"

"I'm not!" Touji retorted, glaring back at Asuka. "I'm just trying to win her back from my former best friend!"

"You can't," Hikari said softly.

Touji and Asuka looked at Hikari, who was standing next to the monitors. "But, honey..." Touji pleaded, walking past Asuka towards Hikari. He doubled over a second later when a knee was applied to his family jewels with intent to neuter.

Hikari walked over and put a hand on Asuka's shoulder. "That's okay, Asuka. I appreciate the thought, but this is my problem."

"No... it's mine," Shinji whispered to himself.

Asuka lowered her leg, but continued glaring at Touji. "I don't know what you ever saw in this guy."

Hikari looked down at the moaning figure on the floor. "I still see it in him, but it's not enough any longer."

Asuka bent down and tried to see any redeeming feature in Touji.

"So what is it?" she asked, when she couldn't find any trace of it.

"He's a caring and compassionate person in his heart," Hikari said longingly, wishing that Touji showed his compassionate side more often.

"Wow, nice rack."

Asuka slapped her hand over her blouse to cut off Touji's view of her dangling breasts and then gave him a second helping of her knee.

Touji screamed in pain again. "What did I say?!"

Hikari sighed and rolled her eyes. "And that's why I dumped him."

"Sorry..." Kensuke said sheepishly as he stepped over his rival for Hikari's heart. And her lips. And her breasts. And her... well... you get the picture.

Hikari smiled at Kensuke. "That's okay, you did your best."

* * *

After the tenth tie of the day, Hikari sobbed into Touji's chest.

"Please stop this... it's pointless to continue playing these games."

Touji straightened up and flicked his head back. "No... for your love, I must battle." The large videowall behind him replayed his last battle with Kensuke, right up to the point when the two Evas started humping each other.

Asuka took a picture of Touji standing in his heroic pose in front of the graphic Eva sex scene. "That'd sound a whole lot more convincing if you weren't humping Kensuke's Eva behind you."

Touji spun around and cringed at seeing the image of the black Eva humping the white Eva. "Crap! Hey, it's not my fault my Eva's penis got stuck in his butt armor!"

"Well, who would have thought-" Asuka started to say as the white Eva exploded, taking the black Eva with it. "-that the Evas self-destruct when you shove a dick up th... mhphhhh..." Shinji, Kensuke, and Rei's hands quickly silenced her.

Kensuke looked at Hikari and smiled awkwardly. "Sorry, honey."

"Don't you call her honey!" Touji shouted.

"He's got every right to call me honey!" Hikari retorted and slipped away from Touji and ran into Kensuke's arms. "It's okay, I know you're doing your best."

"I will win your love..."

Hikari smiled and kissed Kensuke's lips gently. "You already have."

"Let's get the next game going already," Touji muttered and started towards the entry plugs.

Rei looked over at Touji after having released Asuka's potty mouth.

"Are you going to fight to win this time?"

Touji stopped in his tracks and looked back at Rei. "What are you talking about?"

Rei smiled slightly. "After all the times we've played together I know your style pretty well."

Hikari looked between Touji and Rei. "What are you saying?"

"He's intentionally causing ties."

Everyone looked at Touji. "Not a chance, Wondertramp," Asuka said, chuckling. "His over inflated male ego would never let him throw a fight."

"Yeah!" Touji agreed, not realizing he'd just insulted himself.

Kensuke frowned. "I... I thought he held back a killing blow a couple times, but... but..."

Hikari took a step towards Touji. "Why?"

"She doesn't know what she's talking about!" Touji insisted.

"My grandmother made this game and I've played every Eva available."

"So?"

"The unit three Eva isn't gay and has built in restrictions about trusting its dick up another Eva's hmpppphhh..."

This time, Asuka slapped her hands over Rei's potty mouth. "So Touji is throwing the games?"

"No!" Touji insisted.

Rei nodded.

"But if that's true... why are you just causing ties?" Hikari asked Touji.

Touji let out a long sigh and turned away from the others. "I didn't want to win you in a game."

Hikari gasped.

"I wanted to draw out these matches until you got over this crush you have on Kensuke."

"Touji..." Hikari whispered, clutching her chest.

"It's not a crush."

Touji looked around and stared at Shinji. "How would you know?"

Shinji sighed. "I just know. I've been in this position before and-" His eyes looked over at Rei and Asuka. "-I know how painful it can be to let go." He looked back at Touji. "Sometimes it's as hard to give up on one love-" He glanced at Asuka and then at Rei. "-for an... err...

in hopes that she can be happy with another man."

"Screw that!"

Asuka shut her open mouth when the male voice came out instead of her own voice. She looked back at Touji. How did he know what I was going to say?

Touji glared at Shinji. "You have no idea how I feel. You had two girls to choose from, I... I..." Although he tried to hide them, tears started too pool in Touji's weary eyes. "I only had my sweet Hikari."

"Oh, Touji..." Hikari said softly as she walked over to Touji. "I'm sorry to have hurt you, but..." She pulled him into a hug. "We just can't be a couple anymore. I'm sorry."

"You... you're the only girl that understood me."

"I'm the only girl that could put up with you chasing anything with breasts," Hikari translated Touji's statement.

"You always were there for me."

"I was always there when you got rejected by another girl."

"You gave me warmth in a cold world."

"I'm the only girl that will press my hot body against yours."

"I'm pond scum, aren't I?"

Hikari smiled and squeezed her arm tighter around Touji. "That one you got right. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, Hikari... I had a chance and I blew it."

Hikari looked back at Asuka. "See? This is his compassionate side."

Asuka shrugged her shoulders. "Who'd have thunk it."

* * *

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you jerk!"

Shinji stumbled away from the angry redhead. "Huh? Wha... what's the matter?" He looked around, wishing he hadn't agreed to walk her home after the 'Boyfriend Eva Challenge' ended when Touji finally gave up on Hikari. I should have known it was bad idea to be alone with her, but she seemed so calm.

Asuka sneered. "You say that after coming here with that...

that..." She tried to think of an appropriate term, but couldn't narrow it down to a single expletive. "...you know!"

Shinji glared at Asuka. "Don't you talk about Rei that way!"

"It's bad enough you dumped me for her, but to show up to Hikari's boyfriend battle with her is just so... so..."

Shinji slapped Asuka. Hard.

Hard enough to cause those in the theater to drop what they were doing and look at the viewpoint. The balls that Asuka had been juggling dropped down onto Shinji's lap and then rolled across the theater floor.

"Ouch!" Shinji yelled as he rubbed his sore balls. Why was Asuka juggling bowling balls over Shinji's groin? Don't ask; it's a very long and pointless story.

Back in Shinji's not so perfect world, Asuka put her hand to her cheek. "You bastard!"

"You tell him, girl!" the other Asuka shouted at the viewpoint.

"I know you're upset that I chose Rei over you, but you've got to get over it," Shinji said softly.

Asuka clenched her fists. "Why should I?!"

"Because you're my friend and I'd like you to stay a friend."

"Some friend... leading me on like that." Asuka looked away.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you how I felt before..."

"Before what?"

You died... Shinji looked up at the night sky. "I do love you Asuka..."

Both Asukas' hearts skipped a beat.

"...but we missed our chance at love. I'm sorry." Shinji looked at Asuka, a pained look on his face. "There's no way to go back, we just have to accept the cards we have been dealt."

"Accept it?!" Asuka bellowed. "That's bullcrap. If you want something, you have go get it!"

Shinji nodded. "I agree." Asuka looked hopeful until Shinji continued. "When did you ever try to get me?" he asked, repeating a conversation he once had in the theater with the other Asuka.

"Well..." Asuka thought furiously. "I... well... It's the boy's responsibility to make the first move!"

"That's not the Asuka I know talking." Shinji slipped his hand up and touched the cheek he had slapped. "We were both afraid to take a chance at getting hurt, so in the end we went down different paths." He felt a tear splash against his hand, uncertain if it was his or not.

"I'm sorry Asuka."

"No..." Asuka hissed, denying what her mind was telling her.

Shinji leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry, Asuka."

In the theater, Asuka tried to hold back her own tears. "Shinji...

you... you..." she mumbled, as her tears splashed across the floor.

Somehow, Shinji managed to look in exactly the right direction to meet Asuka's eyes through the theater's viewpoint. "I'm sorry to you too, Asuka."

"Shinji..." Asuka muttered, clutching her chest right between her fig leafs.

Asuka looked angrily at Shinji. "Huh?"

Shinji gulped and looked back at the Asuka in his not-so-perfect world. "Um... I'm just really sorry."

Asuka stared at Shinji for several seconds before speaking again.

"Shinji... you've changed."

"No, deep down, your Shinji is a part of me." Shinji looked around the deserted street there were on. "All of this is a part of me. The buildings." He looked up at Asuka. "The people." He bent down and picked some blades of grass from beside the sidewalk. "Even the smallest blade of grass is all my doing."

Asuka stared wide-eyed at Shinji. "Boy, have you changed." She spun around. "Well, I'm not interested in a boy who's obviously insane." She started to walk towards her apartment building. "I'll see you around...

I guess." She wiped a tear out of her eye just before she turned the corner.

"I am sorry, Asuka." Shinji looked around. "I'm sorry for this...

this... world of sadness I created."

Suddenly, a pair of hands came out of nowhere and covered Shinji's eyes. "The world isn't sad unless you let it be sad." A pair of breasts suddenly were pressed into Shinji's back.

"Rei?"

Very familiar breasts apparently. "Yeah... I wanted to make sure Asuka didn't ream you a new one."

Shinji's anus tightened. "It's still sore enough from the bullet wound, thank you."

Rei giggled. "Do you think she'll be alright?" she asked as she removed her hands.

"Maybe." Shinji looked through the unseen viewpoint again. "I hope so." He looked at Rei as she snuggled up to his side. "What made you suspect Asuka was up to something when she wanted to walk home with me?"

he asked, trying to hide his own embarrassment at not realizing it was a setup.

"I wasn't sure she was as forgiving as she seemed when we all ate lunch. There was something about she kept throwing knives at that old oak tree in the food court."

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, I guess it'll take time for her to get over what happened."

"Although, it was nice to be able to be the 'gang' again, even if Touji wasn't talking much."

Shinji sighed. "I really messed up this world."

Rei giggled. "You've really got to stop blaming yourself for every little thing that happens."

Shinji looked down at Rei and studied her face. "Yeah... I know."

He sighed, knowing that he was without a doubt responsible for every little thing that happened in this world. Good or bad. Problem was, every time something good happened it was quickly followed by something bad.

They turned the corner and stopped in their tracks when they saw a police car in front of the apartment building the Ikaris lived in. A small crowd had formed around the entrance as well.

Rei and Shinji rushed over and tried to see what was going on.

"What's going on?" Shinji asked a young woman in the crowd.

The woman looked back slightly. "They're going to arrest that awful little Ikari brat for murder."

Shinji turned whiter than white.

Rei gasped and looked around. "Come on..." she hissed softly, tugging on his sleeve.

Shinji didn't move.

Seeing an uniformed officer appear at the building's front doors, Rei grabbed Shinji hand and pulled. Trying to look casual as she hurried away from the crowd, she pulled the dazed murderer with her. When they got around the corner, her fast walk became an all out run. "We've got to get out of town, fast!"

"But... but... it was self defense," Shinji muttered after they had run a couple blocks.

Rei glanced back at him. "If there's one thing I've learned about the justice system, it's that it will always screw you in the end," Rei remarked, cynically.

"I never got butt fucked in jail, okay?!" Shinji shouted, blushing.

"That's not what I meant." Rei looked around awkwardly at the people on the street around them, who had suddenly dropped what they were doing and were staring at the young fugitives.

"Ouch!" a young man cried out when the bowling balls his girlfriend had been juggling dropped onto his crotch.

* * *

Asuka was rolling around on the theater floor, laughing her ass off. "Yet again, they're on the run from the law!"

Shinji sighed and looked at Rei. "This is going to end badly, isn't it?"

"Probably," Rei said softly.

"He'd better take care of Rei for me or I'll..." Shinji trailed off when he realized he was unable to do anything.

"You love her, don't you?" Rei asked, a slight trace of jealously evident in her normally emotionless voice.

"Yes," Shinji said without hesitating.

"I wish my Shinji could love me."

Shinji felt his heart go out to his

sister/girlfriend/lover/fiance's alter ego. "I'm sure he does."

Rei cocked her head and looked at Shinji. "Thank you."

Shinji smiled nervously at Rei. "I'm sure they'll be okay."

"Oh look, they're getting shot at!"

Shinji and Rei snapped their eyes towards the viewpoint, only to see Rei and Shinji curled up together in a dark alley.

"Made you look!"

* * *

"Shinji, what are we going to do?" Rei asked, shivering from the cold air that blew down the dark alleyway.

"I don't know," Shinji answered, wrapping his arms tighter around her in a desperate attempt to keep her warm. "We have to get out of Tokyo-3 tomorrow and head south. After that... I don't know."

"I think I can get us some money for train tickets."

"Okay..." Shinji's eyes went wide as he suddenly remembered what the Rei in this world did for money. "No! I won't let you do that anymore!"

"Relax, Shinji, I didn't mean that."

Shinji relaxed.

"I'd never kill for money again... I'll just go have sex for money instead."

Shinji fell over backwards into the pile of garbage he had been leaning against.

"Just kidding," Rei said as she slid on top of Shinji and gave him a long kiss.

"Not funny," Shinji said as the kiss ended.

"Just trying to lighten to mood."

Shinji smiled devilishly. Trying to be romantic, he flipped Rei backward and gave her a dashing look. The romantic moment was ruined when a half-eaten tuna sandwich and a half dozen rotten eggs crashed down from the trash pile and landed on her face. "Oops..."

Rei smiled as she wiped the rotting food off her face. "That's okay."

* * *

Shinji held Rei's hand as they raced down an alleyway, the sound of a police siren fading into the distance. "I think we lost them," Shinji said as they came to a four-way intersection. He looked left and right, before continuing straight.

"I hope so," Rei said, scanning the alleyway for signs of trouble.

"I'm not sure that was a coincidence."

"What?"

"Them being outside my friend's place. I think we're on our own now."

"Yeah..." Shinji looked around. "Where are we?"

"Near International Plaza."

Shinji scratched his head. "Are you sure?"

Rei nodded and looked up.

Shinji followed her gaze and smiled when he saw the Tokyo-3 Mega-tower soaring into the sky above him. Like the old tower in the old Tokyo, the four support legs sloped upward from the ground upwards to meet at a spherical observation platform. Unlike the tower that rose above the old Tokyo, the four support legs continued past what would have been the 'top' of the old tower and bent outwards. They ended with four more spherical observation platforms at the end of each support leg. From the air, it resembled a four-leaf clover. "Wow... my Tokyo-3 didn't have that."

"Huh?"

Shinji gulped. "I mean I wasn't looking up while we ran."

"You say the strangest things sometimes, Shinji," Rei said, a confused look on her face.

"Yeah... I'm just trying to get used to everything that's happened lately."

"I understand," Rei said, cuddling up to Shinji's side. "We should..." She went silent when she heard voices coming from the street in front of them.

"This way please, folks." A young girl in an official looking uniform said as she passed in front of the alley. "The next stop on our tour of the International Plaza is for dinner and we have quite a treat in store for you."

As a crowd of people of all shapes and ages shambled by the alley's end, Rei smiled and grabbed Shinji's hand. "Come on."

"Huh?"

"Let's blend in with that tour group."

"Huh?"

"I don't know about you, but 'dinner' sounds pretty good to me."

Shinji stomach growled at the thought of getting to eat. Since they had been on the run, they had only been able to swipe a couple apples to tide them over and they had only been able to eat half of them before the ten Dobermans attacked and chased them away from the forbidden fruit. "But..."

"Plus, being in a large group will make it harder for the cops to spot us."

"Okay... but let's be careful."

Rei smiled and grabbed Shinji's hand. "What could go wrong?" she asked as she pulled Shinji towards the end of the alley.

* * *

Shinji swore as he slid feet first down the slopped roof of one of the observation platforms. Just before he plunged off the edge to his death, he managed to stop his descent with the soles of his shoes and his hands, both of which had been rubbed raw during his descent. His heavy breathing caused the steel roof to fog up as he pledged never to create a crappy world without decent safety regulations again.

"Shinji, are you okay?" Rei call from the top of the observation platform, hanging onto the too-short-for-Shinji's-liking railing around the inaccurately-marked-'exit'-instead-of-'roof-access' hatch they had crawled through when their presence in the tour was noticed.

Shinji just grunted, since he was afraid to look up from the roof, lest his precarious hold on the roof falter.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know they'd be having dinner up in the tower!"

"That's okay."

"I didn't know that there would be a police retirement dinner going on."

"That's okay."

"I didn't know that crawlspace would lead up here."

"That's okay."

"I didn't know that..." Rei eye's widened as she saw Shinji slide a bit towards the edge. "Don't move!"

Shinji didn't respond, since he had started to make out with the rooftop.

"Why are you kissing the roof?"

Shinji wasn't about to respond, since the suction of his lips was the only thing keeping him on the roof.

"Hang in there... I'll get help."

Shinji hung in there.

* * *

"How does he get himself into these things?" Shinji asked as he looked away from the viewpoint.

Asuka smirked. "That's what he used to say about you."

Shinji pointed at his other self's image. "I never got into that bad of a situation."

Asuka laughed. "No, instead of dying when you were running from the cops, you used to have sex at the drop of Rei's skirt."

"You saw all that?"

"Everything."

Shinji gulped.

"Asuka, stop picking on Shinji."

"Make me, Wondergirl."

Rei slapped Asuka. Hard.

Asuka put a hand to her red cheek. "Wha..."

Rei looked at her hand. "Fascinating, it works with this Asuka as well."

Shinji looked at Rei, confused. "Why did you hit her?"

"I wanted her to shut up and that technique seemed to work well on the ot... urk." Rei's explanation was cut off when Asuka tackled her.

Shinji watched the two almost naked girls roll across the theater floor. "Don't fight, girls!"

The girls fought.

Asuka pulled on Rei's hair. Rei pulled on Asuka's left nipple fig leaf.

"Ouch! Asuka cried out. One point for Rei.

Rei pulled Asuka's arm. Asuka punched Rei's nose.

"That was an unpleasant sensation," Rei wheezed and pushed her nose back into shape. One point for Asuka.

Asuka tried to get Rei in a headlock. Rei kneed Asuka in her stomach.

"Fascinating, that works on girls too," Rei said, calmly. Another point for Rei.

"Stop it!" Shinji pleaded.

Rei threw Shinji at Asuka. Asuka blocked with Misato.

"Hey! Keep me out of this!" Misato yelled, knocking Asuka and Rei's heads together.

Rei and Asuka crumpled to the theater floor, stars and little birdies circling their heads. And the winner is... Misato.

Misato shook her head sadly. "I knew they'd snap eventually."

* * *

Shinji's trembling hand reached out and grabbed the railing. He exhaled in relief after inching his way slowly up the metal roof using the suction of his lips and his bleeding fingertips.

Just then, the hatch popped open and Rei poked her head out.

"Shinji?"

Shinji was so surprised at her appearance that his hold on the railing slipped. He started to slide backwards towards the edge of the roof once again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

"Shinji!" Rei yelled again as her only reason for living disappeared over the edge. "Shinji!"

One of Shinji's fingers wiggled in the air just at the edge of the roof.

Rei looked closely and could see eight little fingertips that were just barely keeping Shinji from falling to his death. "Shinji!" She looked around franticly and then grabbed the rope she had slung over her shoulder. She tied one end to the

still-too-short-and-too-slippery-for-Shinji's-liking railing and then tied the other end to herself. "Hang on, Shinji!"

"The thought had occurred to me," was Shinji's calm response.

Rei launched herself down the sloping roof, hoping beyond hope to catch Shinji before his fingers lost their precarious grip on the edge of the roof. She reached the edge and looked for Shinji's fingers. Her jaw dropped when she saw him falling away from her. "Shinji!" She leapt from the roof reaching desperately for his flailing arms. Just as she felt the rope pulled taut, her hands made contact with Shinji's groin.

"Urk!"

Rei pulled on his crotch and reached with her other arm, just managing to grab one of his flailing arms before his crotch slipped out of her fingers. "I've got you!"

The pained expression on Shinji's face made it clear that he knew all too well that he was in Rei's experienced hands.

As the rope stopped their plunge, they felt their bodies pulled and twisted in all sorts of unnatural positions. Well, unnatural for this Shinji. This Rei was very used to having her body in odd positions while holding a man's penis in her hand. Of course, this is the first time she had done that while suspended four hundred meters over Tokyo-3.

Remarkably though, it's not the first time a sex act had been performed while dangling off the Tokyo-3 Mega-tower. The 'Tower Sex Jumpers'

bungie team had managed to 'perform' three times before their star got pregnant on the last jump. They plan to have the birth in mid air. Even though the bungie jumping doctor will have a large net to catch the baby, they suggest spectators NOT try to get a good view of the action from underneath the tower. That would be... messy for them.

"Are you okay, Shinji?" Rei called out as she tried to get a better hold on him.

"Yes..." Shinji squeaked in a very high-pitched voice.

"Wrap your..." Rei stopped talking and went pale when she felt the rope jerk. "Quick! Wrap your arms around me!"

Shinji wrapped his arms tighter around Rei's legs, then looked down to see her release his crotch and wrap her arms around his legs. "Hang on!" he yelled as the rope jerked again.

"The thought had occurred to me," Rei yelled back and she tightened her grip on Shinji.

The bouncing stopped and they started to sway gently in the breeze.

"Well, I think we're going to make it," Rei remarked.

"Yeah..." Shinji said right before the rope snapped and they started to plunge towards the pavement four hundred meters below.

They both screamed.

"I love you, Rei!" Shinji called, but went unheard over the rush of air and Rei's continued screaming.

Shinji looked down and smiled when he saw a truck filled with mattresses parked directly below. "Alright!" He frowned when the driver got into the truck and drove away. "Crap!" He frantically thought of how he could save them both, but couldn't. So he cursed instead.

"Dammit, I hate this god-dammed world! I wish we were back in the theater!"

A shattering explosion that sent shivers down his spine suddenly assailed Shinji's senses. All around him, the fabric of the world he created bent and folded until finally it exploded into billions of small fragments.

Seconds later a long rope slapped against the pavement, going unnoticed by the people walking by. Several assorted pieces of clothing drifted down as well, a passing pervert collecting Rei's bra and panties. "Pretty panties!" the little old man chimed as he carried his sack of ill-gotten undies away.

* * *

An eternity later, Shinji and Rei appeared above the theater floor.

Both were screaming and were also naked as the last time they took a bath together.

The others in the theater looked up and gaped in astonishment at the sudden appearance of the two naked teenagers.

Shinji had a split second to realize that he was back in the theater with Rei still safe in his arms. It was the happiest moment of his life.

Then he realized he was still falling as fast as he was when they disappeared from world six-six-six. That realization came when his skull impacted against the wooden floor of the theater at terminal velocity.

Before the horrified eyes of the theater's other five occupants, Shinji's skull cracked open and spilled its contents across the theater floor. Fragments of the wooden floor and rafters exploded as his body was driven through them and into the concrete underfloor. Bones cracked; torn flesh was flung in all directions; organs were mangled and tossed aside.

Being oriented feet down, Rei had her legs driven up through her torso, which was quickly ripped apart as her various bones shattered and sliced apart her internal organs. Her internal organs joined Shinji's in being mangled and thrown across the floor. Finally her skull slammed into the pool of blood that once was Shinji and the rest of her body.

Her skull was flattened and cracked into two pieces. Her lifeless eyes stared blankly ahead as the left side of her head slid down the side of the right half.

A few meters away from the dark pool of expanding blood and guts, two hearts lay next to each other where the impact had thrown them.

And took their last beats together.

* * *

Shinji's perfect world according to Shinji:

Boy, that really blows.


	27. The Theater Really Blows!

Garden of Eva 2:9 - The Theater Really Blows!

* * *

The theater according to Shinji:

What was once my refuge from the real world and the horrible worlds I created is now my tomb. This is beyond blowing, sucking, or biting.

It's so bad that there's no slang for how bad it is.

* * *

They started to sway gently in the breeze. "Well, I think we're going to make it," Rei remarked.

"Yeah..." Shinji said right before the rope snapped and they started to plunge towards the pavement four hundred meters below.

They both screamed.

"I love you, Rei!" Shinji called, but went unheard over the rush of air and Rei's continued screaming.

Shinji looked down and smiled when he saw a truck filled with mattresses parked directly below. He frowned when the driver got into the truck and drove away. "Crap!" He frantically thought of how he could save them both, but found that there was no way. "Dammit, I hate this god-dammed world! I wish we were back in the theater!"

A shattering explosion assailed Shinji's senses and sent shivers down his spine. All around him, the fabric of the world he created bent and folded until finally it exploded into billions of small fragments.

Seconds later a long rope slapped against the pavement, going unnoticed by the people walking by. Several assorted pieces of clothing drifted down as well, a passing pervert collecting Rei's bra and panties before they even hit the ground. "Pretty panties!" the little old man chimed as he carried his sack of ill-gotten undies away.

* * *

An eternity later, Shinji and Rei appeared above the theater floor.

Both were screaming and were also naked as the last time they took a bath together.

The others in the theater looked up and gaped at the sudden appearance of the two naked teenagers.

Shinji had a split second to realize that he was back in the theater with Rei still safe in his arms. It was the happiest moment of his life.

Then he realized he was still falling as fast as he was when they disappeared from world six-six-six. That realization came when his skull impacted against the wooden floor of the theater at terminal velocity.

Before the horrified eyes of the theater's occupants, Shinji's skull cracked open and spilled its contents across the theater floor.

Fragments of the wooden floor and rafters exploded as his body was driven through them and into the concrete underfloor. Bones cracked.

Torn flesh was flung in all directions. Organs were mangled and tossed aside.

Being oriented feet down, Rei had her legs driven up through her torso, which was quickly ripped apart as her various bones shattered and sliced apart her internal organs. Her organs joined Shinji's in being mangled and thrown across the floor. Finally her skull slammed into the pool of blood that once was Shinji and the rest of her body. The head was flattened and cracked into two pieces. Her lifeless eyes stared blankly ahead as the left side of her head slid down the side of the right half.

A few meters away from the dark pool of expanding blood and guts, two hearts lay next to each other where the impact had thrown them.

And took their last beats together.

"Bummer," Asuka said softly.

"Rei!" the Shinji that was whole yelled and threw himself towards the pieces of his former lover.

Misato just stared blankly at the mass of flesh and blood that once was Shinji and Rei.

The Rei that was still in one piece didn't know how to feel. She had seen something similar after Ritsuko destroyed her other selves in the cloning tank, but something in her told her this was different. The Rei in front of her had been a thinking, living person; while her other selves were just blanks, waiting for their turn to use the single soul that made Rei, 'Rei'. A single tear slipped from her eye and splashed across her hand. Then she knew. Her loss was not herself, but of what she could be. For all her observations on what it was to be 'human', she had only grasped just a small part of what 'human' really meant. The dismembered remains of the Rei in front of her had been more human than she could ever be, flaws and all. She dropped to her knees and started to sob into her hands.

Shinji stared into the eye that dangled from the bloody eye socket of the left side of Rei's skull that he held in his hands. "Rei..."

Hearing a familiar sob, he looked over to the other Rei-the one still in one piece. "Rei..." He looked back at the remains of 'his' Rei and then back at the 'other' Rei. He walked slowly over to the sobbing Rei.

"Rei... I'm sorry."

Rei looked up with tear-filled eyes. "Don't worry about me, I don't know how to feel."

Shinji looked at the grief-stricken girl in wonder. "You... you look like you feel like I do."

"Really?" Rei said, cocking her head to the side.

"Yeah..." Shinji pulled Rei into a hug, his own tears splashing against her back.

Rei felt his warmth flow into her and then felt his tears hitting her back. Do I feel?

"Can I have that half of her skull, please?"

Their tender moment interrupted, Shinji and Rei looked over at the source of the voice. "Huh?"

Yui reached out and indicated the half of Rei's skull that Shinji held clutched to his bloody chest. In her other hand, she cradled an assortment of other body parts against her chest. "The head, give it to me," she ordered sternly.

Shinji looked down at the horrible thing he held in his hand.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Shinji clutched the half skull tighter. "No... she's mine."

Yui sighed. "Just like my son, always having to have his toys to himself." She paused and added, "And my husband, too. I had to constantly chase him out of Unit One's entry plug where he was playing 'Gekigangar pilot Gendou-chan'." She noticed the confused look on the others' faces at her use of 'chan'. "At first, he insisted that the Evas would have to be piloted by young, nubile, teenage girls-and I'd really rather not go into my husband's... fascination with little girls-" She glanced at Rei and Asuka, but not Misato; making Misato very angry.

"-but I soon explained to him that young, hunky boys would work too."

Ignoring Shinji's blush, she turned around and went back to collecting the various pieces of the other Shinji and Rei.

Misato and Asuka just stared at the unusual actions of the woman in the white robe, which seemed to have resisted becoming stained with the blood of the body parts its wearer was sorting through.

Shinji, Rei, and the half of Rei's skull dropped down onto the floor and continued to cry. Well, the first two did, the latter didn't have the ability to cry any more. After all, its tear ducts were on the flesh that had been savagely torn away from it.

* * *

"So now what?" Asuka asked Misato an indeterminate amount of time later.

Bored, Misato sighed and looked slowly around the theater. Shinji, Rei, and half of the other Rei's skull were in one corner talking, crying, and comforting each other-not necessarily in that order and the first two were doing most, if not all, of the talking, crying, and comforting. Yui was... Misato shuddered and looked away from the pile of Shinji and Rei's remains that Yui had collected and was now going through, as if looking for something. "I don't know, but I think Mrs.

Ikari has lost it."

Asuka smirked. "That whole family has always been nuts."

"How would you react if someone you loved just died in the sickest and most disgusting way possible, as if some demented person wanted to make others sick to their stomachs by showing Shinji and Rei's gory deaths as if they were part of some sick and twisted story?"

Asuka flinched and changed the subject, much to the author's relief. "Maybe we should get that other Shinji to make a new world."

Misato shook her head. "That world was set in stone, remember?"

"Oh, yeah..." Asuka looked over near the viewpoint, which had frozen when Shinji and Rei's hearts had stopped beating. The frozen image on the viewpoint showed the spot under the Tokyo-3 Mega-tower where Shinji and Rei should have crashed to their deaths. Instead, they had appeared in the theater and crashed to their deaths onto the wooden floor-as the large hole and splinters of blood covered wood could attest to. Asuka pulled a splinter out of her left breast. "Ow..." Her head cocked to the side and a confused look appeared on her face. "Where are the storyboards?"

Misato followed the redhead's gaze and frowned when she didn't see the storyboards. "They were right under the viewpoint."

"Well, they must have disappeared after Shinji went to pieces."

Asuka smiled at her sick little joke. "So now this Shinji can make a new world for him and... um... us."

Us meaning you, you little redheaded, backstabbing boyfriend thief. Misato's thoughts went unspoken. "Can he do that?"

Asuka shrugged her shoulders, causing her breasts to bounce. "Beats me, but since the other one is in a thousand pieces and the storyboards are gone, what harm could it do?"

Misato started to list the possibilities.

* * *

"You want me to do what?!" Shinji screamed.

"Well, you've got to make a new world for us all to live happily ever after in," Asuka explained, subtitles appearing below her to inform him of her real meaning. They read, 'And you'd better make sure we end up together, buttwad'.

Shinji frowned and scratched his head. "Yeah... but what good is a new world without my sweet Rei?" He doesn't read subtitles apparently.

The Rei standing next to him frowned. Aren't I a Rei? Asuka took a different approach and slugged Shinji's stomach. "Make a perfect world for us to have a lot of sex in or I'll kill you!"

Shinji clutched his stomach and grunted. "Ok... ok... I'll try."

* * *

Several eternities later, Shinji put down his new storyboards.

"There."

Asuka looked down at the pictures on the storyboards and laughed.

"You've made a mess of those."

Shinji frowned and looked down at the storyboards, which were covered with crossed out bits and erasure marks. "Well... it's not easy creating a whole new world, you know!"

"Whatever..." Asuka sighed and looked between Shinji and the storyboards. "Well, go into your trance and let's see what you fucked up in this world."

Shinji frowned. "Trance?"

"Yeah, you zone out and the viewpoint shows the result of your work on the storyboards."

"How?"

"Think of something bland... like Rei here," Asuka suggested, indicating Rei.

Rei slapped Asuka hard.

Asuka clutched her cheek. "Hey, stop that!"

"Why?" Rei asked. "It seems to be very affective at shutting you up."

Shinji tried to zone out and think of nothing else in order to enter a trance. Unfortunately, the no-holds-barred almost-naked-chick fight that was unfolding in front of him precluded him from concentrating on anything but drooling.

As the fight entered it's fifth round without a knockout, Yui casually walked over and got between the two girls. "Asuka, can I have it please?"

Asuka stopped her swing before she hit Yui with her fist. "Huh?"

"Shinji's penis, give it to me."

Rei walked over to Shinji and pulled a bit on the oak leaf covering his mighty oak. "I believe it is still here." She started rubbing the oak leaf, causing it to bulge. "Yes, it is."

Yui shook her head and looked straight at Asuka. "No, not that Shinji. The other Shinji's penis." She looked over her shoulder at the pile of blood and guts she had gathered.

"I... I don't know what you're talking about," Asuka stammered.

"I saw you take his penis from the remains," Yui explained and then glared at the redhead. "Now give it to me."

"I don't have it!" Asuka screamed and stomped away. The movement caused a long pink object to slip out of her hairdo where it had been hidden.

The occupants of the theater all watched the penis drop to the floor accompanied by a squelching sound. It seemed to wiggle once before becoming still.

"Um... how did that get there?" Asuka asked, not fooling anyone with her attempt to look innocent.

Misato walked over and picked up the penis. "You were going to mount it on a stick, weren't you?"

"No!" Asuka insisted, taking a step towards the older woman. This action caused a half meter long stick to fall out of her hair.

They all watched the stick clatter to the floor of the theater without saying a word. No one with any sense of decency would touch it with a ten meter... stick.

Rei picked up the stick and examined it. "It's sticky."

Shinji looked closely at Asuka's poofy hair. "What else do you have in there?"

"Nothing!" Asuka insisted. She spun around and stormed off, leaving a trail of items previously stored in her hair behind her. These included: a boombox, a leaf polisher with dual fig leaf attachment, an autographed copy of James Davidson's new Childhood of a Modern Dynasty biography, a pack of tampons, three blind mice that constantly bumped into each other, a partridge in a pear tree, and one box of cherry flavored condoms.

"So that's where my condoms went to."

Shinji and Misato turned and looked at Rei, but dared not ask any questions.

* * *

"Trance... trance... trance..." Shinji repeated over and over while staring at the storyboards. After he chanted 'trance' for the one hundred and twenty millionth time, he collapsed to the floor of the theater and sighed. "Crap, I can't do this!"

Misato knelt down next to Shinji and out a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Sure you can, Shinji."

"I tried!" Shinji rammed his fist into the ground. "What's the use without my Rei!"

Misato slapped Shinji. Hard. "Do or do not, there is no try."

Shinji glared at Misato while holding his cheek. "Yoda was never this mean."

"Well, you try being through the hell I have and have any patience left for little boys who can't perform!"

Shinji gasped. "I'm a man!" He started rotating his hips and doing a little dance, trying to look manly.

He failed miserably.

"I didn't mean that kind of performance, Shinji." Misato glanced down at Shinji's bulge.

Shinji gulped and put his hands over the oak leaf covering his penis. "Um... well... I tried to go into a trance, but it didn't work. I don't think it'll work for me."

Misato stroked her chin. "Well... maybe the leaf is interfering."

"I'll help pull it off!"

Misato and Shinji gasped as the blue haired girl appeared out of nowhere. They'd expect Asuka to volunteer for leaf removal service, not Rei.

Shinji blushed. "Um... well..."

Rei looked at Shinji with her pleading eyes. "Please?" She lowered her gaze and looked at the oak leaf with a hungry look on her face.

"Please?" she begged, wiping the drool from her face.

Misato shook her head sadly. Reaching over, she pulled Rei's face, scalp, and hair from Asuka's head. "That's sick, Asuka."

Asuka wiped the blood from her face and sneered. "Well, you never let me have any fun around here, so I figured as long as that Rei wasn't using her face any longer, I could make use of it." She took the face back from Misato and held it up. Using one hand to move the lips, she mimicked Rei's voice. "Come on, Shinji, don't you want me to suck your prick?"

Shinji retched and doubled over, quickly disgorging the contents of his stomach onto Asuka's feet.

Asuka grimaced and looked at her feet. "I'll take that as a no."

* * *

Several millennia later, Shinji stared at the ceiling of the theater. "I'm bored."

"Yes..." Rei said softly from where she lay by his side.

"Well..." Asuka started to suggest, but was interrupted by Misato's hand over her mouth.

"No, he doesn't want to fuck you, Asuka," Misato said. "How many millennia have been stuck here now?"

Shinji looked over at the storyboards they'd been counting the passing millennia on. "Forty eight."

Misato, Rei, and Asuka sighed in unison.

"If you want to fuck Asuka, go ahead."

Shinji slowly turned his head and looked at Rei. "Huh?"

"It might be interesting to watch."

Shinji's jaw dropped open like Misato's legs for Kaji.

Asuka smiled. "Hot damn, we've got the clone's permission now!" she blurted and slid on top of Shinji.

"I really don't feel like it," Shinji said, pushing Asuka off him.

"Maybe next millennia."

"Darn, I really wanted to see that," Rei said softly.

* * *

More millennia passed. "I'm still bored," Shinji said softly.

"Well?"

"Okay... let's fuck."

Asuka smiled and jumped on top of Shinji's oak leaf. "Hot damn!"

She started to bounce up and down in an attempt to force Shinji's penis to break through the oak leaf and, in turn, hers; both of which stood between her and happiness.

"Can I have that skull now, Shinji?"

Asuka didn't stop bouncing as she looked over at the source of the voice. "Go away!"

"You two can fuck all you want, but I need that skull now," Yui said, looking a bit tired as if she had spent endless millennia in a small confined theater with a bunch of whiny, undersexed kids and a oversexed tramp.

"Who are you calling an oversexed tramp!" Misato snapped and glared at the author.

Gulp.

Anyway, Shinji looked at the half skull resting at his side. "Why?"

Yui sighed. "I've let you play with it for the time being, but I really need it to finish putting them back together." She looked over at the corner she had been spending most of her time in.

Shinji and the three women followed her gaze and gasped at the sight that befell their eyes.

"What?"

"How?"

"Why?"

In the corner, two very recognizable bodies were laying on the floor. Two almost complete bodies, quite different from the mass of torn flesh, organs, and bones they used to be. Shinji's lifeless eyes stared up at the ceiling, looking almost exactly how the other Shinji from world six hundred and sixty-six had looked while staring at the ceiling.

Except that Shinji had been breathing. Remarkably, both Shinjis currently had erections.

The body of Rei was mostly complete, save for the missing piece of her skull and eye. Her perfect naked body was the cause of one of the Shinji's erections. Rigor mortis was the cause of the other's.

Yui held out her hand, waiting for the half skull. "I'm putting that Shinji and Rei back together again, didn't I mention that before?"

The other four people in the theater slowly shook their head 'no'.

"Oh..." Yui shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, I thought I did." She looked back at the two bodies. "It's really not that hard, it just takes time to reassemble all their pieces at a sub-molecular level."

The four people just stared at Yui, dumbfounded.

"Of course, sorting out which piece was belonged to which body was a bit tricky." Yui giggled slightly. "I accidentally put Rei's breasts on Shinji at first."

"Well, she is flat chested," Asuka remarked looking at the living and breathing Rei's chest.

"Shinji likes my breasts, don't you, Shinji?" Rei asked, while squeezing her breasts.

"Um... yeah..." Grimacing, Shinji turned away from where Rei was kneeling over herself and squeezing the other Rei's breasts. He looked at Yui. "Um... but why are you putting their corpses back together?"

"Why not?" Yui replied.

"Well... it's sick."

"Why?"

Shinji snapped. It took him a few millennia, but he finally snapped. "Why?! Can't you just bury their bodies and let them rest in piece?!"

"This coming from the guy who's hung onto half of her skull for several millennia," Asuka remarked snidely.

Shinji trembled and looked down at the half skull he held in his hands. "You're right."

Asuka fell off Shinji's lap in surprise. "I am?"

"Yes... I didn't want to let her go." Shinji took a deep breath.

"Here, do what you want with it, you ghoul." He thrust the skull out towards Yui and after she took it, he pulled Rei up into his arms. The living and breathing one, that is. "Rei, I'm sorry I made you wait all these millennia, but I've finally put the death of the other Rei behind me."

Rei's heart skipped several beats, forming a tune that sounded like 'Fly Me to the Moon'.

"Will you marry me?" Shinji asked and reached out with a trembling hand.

"No!"

Shinji's head snapped around at hearing the familiar voice. "Ack!"

He gasped and backed away, crashing into Rei, Asuka, and Misato.

Rei looked oddly at Shinji, the flesh of her face hanging loosely from where the missing half of her skull should be. Her body was sitting upright and staring at the others with its single eye. Bits of brain could be seen under the torn scalp where the missing piece of skull belonged.

"Wha... wha... what's going on?!" Shinji stammered from beneath the naked flesh of the women he had crashed into.

Yui rushed back to the grizzly apparition and stuck her pinky finger into Rei's right ear. She twisted her finger while humming 'Fly Me to the Moon'. "Damn, she wasn't supposed to reawaken yet," Yui said as Rei slumped and stopped moving. Not to mention stopped breathing.

"What do you mean?" Misato asked as she pushed the teenagers off her body and stood up.

Yui gestured at the two still bodies. "What do you think I was doing over here? I was putting their bodies back together so they could live normal..." She looked around the theater. "Err... so they could live again in this abnormal place."

Five jaws dropped.

Four belonged to the fig-leafed people staring at Yui.

The fifth belonged to the still body of Rei.

Yui bent down and picked the detached jaw off the floor. "Damn, I thought I had that fixed."

When she managed to find her wits, Misato stood up and walked slowly over to Yui and the two bodies. "But... how?"

Yui smiled smugly. "If I could create the Evangelions and put the protocols into place to repair and regenerate them even after the most severe injuries, I think I can repair such a simple thing like a human body." She plucked Rei's eye out of the skull fragment and examined it.

"The human body is just a bio machine when you come down to it. Even the soul is nothing more complicated than a fifty watt light bulb." She looked down at two burned out light bulbs that were resting behind the two bodies. "I would have finished sooner, but I didn't have a molecular ion bonder." She looked at her fingertips. "It's not easy performing molecular nano-surgery with your fingertips, you know."

"So, she... they'll be alive again?" Shinji asked hopefully, looking at the also reassembled Rei.

"Yes, didn't I mention that?" Yui asked as she peeled back the skin on Rei's face and tried to fit the jaw back into place.

"No! Why didn't you say you could do that?!" Shinji screamed.

"Well, you all looked so busy staring at the ceiling and that I didn't want to disturb you."

"Dammit, I could have helped you put his penis back on if you'd told me what you were doing!"

Asuka turned towards Misato and blinked several times. "Hey, that's my line!"

Misato glared at Asuka. "You've got your stick. What have I had these long, endless millennia?!"

"You could have just used your fingers," Rei remarked, holding up her sticky fingers.

No one dared comment, not even the author.

* * *

Shinji stared at Rei's perfect naked body as Yui finished reassembling her head. "Are you done yet?!"

Yui sighed. "Stop being so impatient. I'll finish when I finish."

Shinji sighed and started to pace again, having already worn a visible groove through the oak floor of the theater and was already several centimeters into the concrete underfloor.

In one of the corners, Rei was sitting cross-legged and staring at the floor.

Misato walked up. "What's wrong, Rei?"

Rei didn't look up when she responded. "What's wrong with me?"

"Huh?" Misato responded, tilting her head in confusion.

"I'm Rei, right?"

"Yes."

"So why is that Shinji so hung up on that other Rei and not me."

Misato gasped and tried to think of what her mother would do in this situation. It took her just a half second to realize that most mothers would be insane after all that had happened to her before and after Third Impact. "I don't know, but your Shinji is being put back together too."

"Yes, but in that other world he had been getting pretty close to that other Rei." Rei looked up, revealing her tear-stained cheeks.

"What's wrong with me?"

Misato gasped at seeing the unexpected tears. "Um..." She knelt down and pulled her daughter into an embrace. "Nothing's wrong with you.

Life is sometimes hard to understand and things don't always go your way."

"That really blows," Rei muttered.

"Sucks too," Misato agreed.

"Oh, bite me!" Asuka yelled as she stormed over, her breasts bouncing with each stomp. "Don't worry, Wondergirl, you'll get one of the Shinjis in the end."

Misato looked at Asuka with an astonished look on her face, but before she could say anything, Rei did.

"I'd rather get him in my vagina, not my anus."

Misato and Asuka's jaws dropped. "You're being a very bad influence on your daughter, you know," Asuka remarked, looking at Misato.

"She didn't get that from me!" Misato insisted and looked at her daughter. "Rei, why have you been talking like that lately?"

Asuka half laughed. "Lately, right... it's been at least ten millennia since she started talking like you."

Misato glared at Asuka and wondered how many pieces she could tear the redhead into.

"If you two are sexually frustrated, why don't you fuck each other?" Rei asked innocently.

"What!" Asuka bellowed. "We'd never..."

"Well, one time in college..." Misato pondered, taking a good, long look at Asuka's fig leaves.

Asuka's heterosexuality was saved when Yui called out across the theater. "They're done!"

The three young women looked over at the older woman and saw two perfectly assembled bodies of Shinji and Rei standing upright next to her, but unmoving. Not even the rising and falling of their chests revealed any sign of life. That was because they were still dead, of course. Or what Yui called, 'turned off'.

Shinji climbed out of his hole and ran to the newly reassembled Rei. "Rei, I've missed you!" he shouted for joy and drew his long-lost-and-in-pieces-lover into an embrace.

"You should at least let me turn her on first," Yui said, pulling Shinji's tongue out of Rei's mouth.

"Mppphhhhh?" Shinji inquired with his tongue still in Yui's grip.

Releasing Shinji's tongue, Yui looked at the two still bodies. "All humans have an off switch in their ears."

"Huh?" the three younger women chorused, having come up behind Shinji.

"How can humans have an 'off' switch?" Misato asked.

"Whoever designed them figured they'd need one. Myself, I put the Eva's off switch in their belly buttons."

Four sets of eyes blinked dumbly at Yui, while two other sets stared vacantly ahead.

"Anyway, there's a safety on it so people don't get accidentally shut down," Yui explained as she stuck one pinky finger in Shinji's right ear and the other in Rei's right ear. "The musical tone needed was discovered during a concert where allot of people stuck their fingers in various orifices." She started to hum the tune to 'Fly Me to the Moon'.

The other four people who were breathing looked very confused.

The still bodies of Shinji and Rei suddenly blinked and doubled over, vomiting a mixture of blood and their last dinner onto the feet of the people in front of them.

"Ewwww..."

"It's just their bodies resetting themselves to their default conditions," Yui explained, having already stepped back out the range of the vomit.

"You could have mentioned that sooner!" Asuka snapped, wiping the spew off her legs with a bundle of hair.

Misato slugged Asuka and pulled her hair out of Asuka's grip.

"Leave my hair alone!"

"Shinji!" a familiar voice called out and tackled the oak-leafed Shinji.

"Rei!" another familiar voice-but of the opposite gender-called out and tackled the fig-leafed Rei.

Long overdue hugs, kisses, fondles, and gropes were exchanged.

Then something long and hard pressed against Shinji's leg, causing him to open his eyes and scream.

Rei felt something soft and squishy squish against her breasts. Two somethings. "Fascinating."

Before Asuka and Misato's horrified eyes, Shinji and Shinji were getting hot and heavy. Likewise, Rei and Rei were getting even hotter and heavier.

"What are you all doing!" Misato yelled.

Shinji looked up from where he had just given himself a big hickey.

"Oh, hi, Miss Misato, I'm just kissing my fiance. I thought we would die when we..." He trailed off and took a look at the theater around them.

"Where the hell is this!"

Rei stopped sucking her twin's breasts and looked up. "Crap, we're back in that god-dammed theater again."

"Don't stop..." the Rei pinned under the other Rei's firm teenage body moaned.

"Get off me, you sicko!" The Shinji under the other Shinji yelled and cracked a couple oak nuts with his knee.

"What's going on?!" Misato bellowed.

The Shinji that was rolling around on the oak floor holding his cracked nuts screamed, "Why'd you do that!" Then he realized something. "Why do I have a penis and balls!" He squeezed himself to make sure it was real. It was.

"More importantly, why did you molest me, you sick bastard?" the other Shinji snapped, backing away.

"Because I love you, Shinji!" Shinji said, trying to find something else that seemed to be missing from his body. "Where are my breasts?" he asked, patting his flat chest.

"Huh? You don't have breasts, Shinji," Misato remarked.

"I'm Rei," Shinji insisted, still looking for his breasts.

"What?!" Misato and Asuka shouted together and looked at the two Rei's.

"Then who is..." Misato started to ask, pointing at the Rei who was sucking her own breast.

Rei looked up from the breast she had just been sucking. "Misato?

Asuka?"

"Why did you stop, Rei?" the fig-leafed Rei asked with a disappointed look on her face.

The other Rei frowned. "Huh? I'm Shinji." She looked down and screamed. "Where's my penis?"

Misato and Asuka silently pointed at the pair of Shinjis.

The two sets of Reis and Shinjis looked at each other and screamed.

Yui hit her palm with her fist. "Oops, I must have mixed up the brains."

Six pairs of eyes looked at Yui.

"Mom, how could you?!" one of the Reis called out.

"Mrs. Ikari?!" one of the Shinji's called out.

"Well, it's not like it's easy to tell the bits and pieces apart.

Internally, humans are remarkably similar in construction."

Asuka took a step forward. "So..." She pointed at the Shinji without an oak leaf. "That's Rei's brain in Shinji's body and that's-"

she pointed at the fig-leaf-less Rei. "-Shinji's brain in Rei's body?"

Yui nodded.

Asuka dropped to the floor and laughed her ass off.

"What are you talking about?" the Shinji in Rei's body asked.

Yui sighed. "It's quite simple. You two fell from the tower, arrived here in the theater, your bodies were torn apart when they slammed into the floor, and I put you back together."

The Shinji in Rei's body just stared at Yui in astonishment.

"And I sort of mixed up your brains, so you have Rei's body now instead of your own." Yui shrugged apologetically. "Sorry."

Shinji in Rei's body looked down at HER body and got aroused. Since she didn't have a penis, she just got all hot and bothered. "How could you do this?!"

"Well, I did put you back together from a mixed mass of twisted bones and flesh, after all. You should just be glad that you're alive."

Yui shrugged her shoulders.

"What's going on, Shinji?" Rei in Shinji's body asked the other Shinji in his own body, as she/he squeezed her/his penis. "Why do I have a penis?" He squeezed again. "Hmmm... this could be interesting." She/he reached out to the other Shinji with the hand that wasn't holding her/his erection. "Why do guys need girls to have fun?"

"Stay away from me!"

"What's wrong?!"

"Don't point that thing at me!"

* * *

"So... we fell from the tower?"

Yui nodded.

"And somehow vanished from our world and warped into another dimension?"

Yui nodded.

"And appeared in this... theater?"

Yui nodded.

"Where our bodies were torn apart in a disgusting, slow motion, flesh tearing scene of blood and guts that was so nauseating some demons-also known as readers-got sick and puked on their keyboards?"

Yui nodded.

"And you're not a shrink, but a bio-genetic engineer who was able to reassemble our bodies from the pieces?"

Yui nodded.

"And the reason I have a penis is because you put my brain into Shinji's body by mistake?"

Yui nodded. "So now do you understand?"

The Rei in Shinji's body nodded. "Yes." She/he started to scream.

Loudly.

Amazingly, even though Rei was using Shinji's vocal cords, the scream sounded exactly like how a terrified girl would scream when confronted with the fact that she had been blown into small parts, reassembled with her brain in the wrong body, and found herself in a transdimensional, run-down theater.

Needless to say, that's a scream very few people have ever heard.

"Rei, calm down! This will all work out... somehow," the Shinji in Rei's body insisted.

The Rei in Shinji's body stopped screaming and looked at the body she used to call her own. "Will you stop squeezing my breasts!"

Shinji in Rei's body looked up from her/his new playthings. "Um...

sorry. How do you girls ever get anything done when you have these to play with?"

The Rei in Shinji's body slapped her old body across her own face.

"Oops..." she said when the slap caused the nose she used to call her own to fall off and roll across the floor.

Yui sighed heavily and picked up the detached nose. "If you two don't stop breaking yourselves, I'll just leave the pieces where they fall." She walked over to the Shinji in Rei's body and started to reattach the nose.

"T'ank yoooo," the Shinji in Rei's body wheezed.

"This has got to be a..." the Rei in Shinji's body began to say, but the Shinji in Shinji's body walked over.

"No, it's not a dream or a nightmare."

The Rei in Shinji's body looked around toward the other Shinji who was in her old body. "And that's not my Shinji, you are?"

The Shinji in his own body nodded.

"And she's some sort of clone of me?" the Rei in Shinji's body asked, looking at the Rei who was in her own body.

"Something like that..."

The Rei in Shinji's body glared at her old body. "How could you deceive me like that!"

"Doorrry..." The Shinji in her old body might have sounded more sincere if Yui's fingers weren't up his/her nose.

* * *

"Shinji, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, Rei."

"Why won't you touch me?"

Shinji flinched and looked into his own eyes. "It's too creepy touching myself."

The Rei in Shinji's body nodded. "Yeah... it feels strange to scratch my crotch and have a penis and balls there."

Not wanting to discuss the finer points of ball scratching with the woman he loved, Shinji changed the subject. "We'll find a way to get you back into your body and go back to our world together."

The Rei in Shinji's body sighed. "I hope so, they seem to change the subject every time we ask them about that."

"Yeah..."

"So are we real?"

Shinji wished he knew. "I wish I knew, Rei, but I know I love you."

"Oh... Shinji..." the Rei in Shinji's body said and leaned in to kiss him.

"Damn, that's a weird sight," Asuka said, interrupting the almost male-male kiss.

"Hi, Asuka," both Shinjis greeted her.

"Whatever..." Asuka looked at the Rei in Shinji's body. "Rei, I need you to do something for me."

Shinji sighed. "If it involves her shoving her dick up your... you know... forget it."

"Of course not..." Asuka insisted, pulling the Rei in Shinji's body to his feet. "Come on."

Several seconds later, the Rei in Shinji's body slapped Asuka. "No, I won't let you suck it!"

Shinji shook his head sadly. "She's just like our Asuka."

* * *

"Shinji, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, Rei."

"Why won't you touch me?"

Shinji looked up from his/her breasts. "The other Rei told me not to touch them!" he/she insisted, pointing at his/her breasts.

Rei frowned. "No... me." She tapped her chest right between her own breasts.

"Huh?"

"You seemed to get pretty close to that other Rei who's in your body right now," Rei said, glancing at the pair of Shinjis with an unusual-for her-look of jealousy on her face.

"Um... well..." The Shinji in Rei's body looked around nervously, hoping for a distraction. Unfortunately for him/her, Rei had asked her mother to keep anyone from disturbing them.

The Shinji couple were too busy trying to figure out what the meaning of life, the universe, and everything was. Yui was writing a formula on one of the oak walls, the answer to which was apparently '42'. And Asuka was tied up and gagged in one of the corners. Misato stood guard over her with a wet noodle in her hand in case of trouble.

Don't ask about the noodle.

The Shinji in Rei's body squirmed, but couldn't get out of the vise-like grip Rei on his/her arm.

"Shinji, please tell me..." Rei begged.

"Um... well..." The Shinji in Rei's body looked around nervously.

"Why does Misato have that wet noodle?"

"Don't change the subject."

"Um... what is the subject?"

"Do you love that other Rei?" Rei asked slowly.

"Probably."

Rei's heart exploded.

"I guess I love her as much as I love you."

Rei's heart reassembled itself. "Shinji..." She leaned forward and locked lips with herself.

Misato dropped her wet noodle when she saw her daughter kissing herself.

Two oak trees bulged when their owners saw the two Reis-at least their bodies-kissing passionately.

Asuka mumbled something through her gag.

Yui nodded her agreement to whatever Asuka had said. "I never knew he was a lesbian either, Asuka."

After the lesbian kiss between Shinji and Rei went into its second minute, Misato started to hit them with the wet noodle to break it up.

The Rei in Shinji's body turned towards the Shinji in Shinji's body. "Why can't you kiss me like that."

"You don't look as hot as they do," Shinji remarked without thinking. Well, he was thinking, but not with his brain. The thinking part of him was doing its best to force itself through the oak leaf that currently covered it.

"You're right, this is a pretty disgusting body," the Rei in Shinji's body remarked with a broad grin on her/his face.

"Yeah..." Shinji said, getting even more turned on watching Misato beat Rei and Rei with a wet noodle.

The Rei in Shinji's body couldn't take it any longer and tackled the other Shinji. Lips met lips. Oak trees expanded. One of those expanding oak trees split the oak leaf covering it.

"Keep that thing away from my ass!" the Shinji in Rei's body shouted as he saw what his body was doing.

"I wasn't going to stick my cock up my own ass, you sicko!" Shinji in Shinji's body insisted, glaring at his other self in Rei's body.

Rei in Shinji's body blushed. "Sorry, I guess we got carried away."

* * *

Two Shinjis and two Reis stared at the ceiling. To avoid confusion-more confusion than normal, that is-each of them had their true name written on their foreheads to identify which brain was inside the skull of that particular body.

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know."

"What if we're stuck in these bodies forever?"

"I don't know."

"We could..."

"No, that wouldn't work."

"You're right."

"What if..."

"No, we don't have a mallet big enough."

"Not since Asuka took the handle off it, at least."

"What does she do with that stick anyway?"

"Oh, god, you can't be me and still be that naive. She uses it to please herself."

"Oh... I use my fingers."

"Yeah, me too."

"Me three."

"What? Don't look at me that way, I never do that."

Dead silence.

"Well... once in the hospital and... well... when Third Impact was occurring and..."

"We get the picture, Shinji."

"Damn, why didn't you put out for him more, Rei?"

"I tried too, but he never took the hints."

"Hints?"

"Like the time when my former self 'accidentally' walked out of the shower stark naked?"

"That was a set up?"

"Well... I was curious what sex was like."

"Oh..."

"And the time we tested the Evas in the buff."

"That was your idea?"

"Yes."

"Asuka was pretty pissed."

"I had no idea she wasn't a natural redhead."

"Really? Ours is."

"I guess I used the wrong color when drawing Asuka's pubic hair."

Laughter.

Sighs.

Snores.

"Someone kick Shinji to wake him up."

"Ow!"

Snores.

"The other Shinji."

"Oh."

"Ow!"

Snores.

"The other Shinji in Rei's body."

"Ow! Wha'cha you do that for?"

"This is no time to sleep, we have to... ow! Wha'cha do that for?

Rei's the one who kicked you."

"Because I won't kick my own body, so I'll kick you instead."

"What an idiot you are... this is your body!"

"Not my real body..."

"Oh, there you go again, Mr. 'I'm-the

original-Shinji,-you're-just-the-sixth-hundred-and-sixty-sixth-pale-imitation-of-me'.

That's getting kind of old, jerk."

"Actually, you're Shinji number six hundred and sixty seven, since there was no Shinji zero."

"Um... thank you for clearing that up, Rei."

"Rei three, actually."

"Right."

"That makes me Rei six hundred and sixty-nine. Say... since I'm in Shinji's body, we could try a little experiment."

Gulps.

"I'm not going to suck my own cock!"

"Well, I was thinking of a four way... actually."

"Wouldn't that be a one-thirty-eight?"

"Yeah, that's a good word for it. So, shall we?"

"Okay."

"Well..."

"No!"

"Please?"

"Well..."

One very disturbing attempt at a four-way later, the Rei in Shinji's body frowned. "Why is my penis smaller than my Shinji's?"

"That's because this Shinji suffers from a penis inferiority complex and wanted to have a bigger penis when he drew your Shinji."

"Rei! I... um... well... it was an accident. I just drew it a little bigger on the storyboard."

Sounds of two oak tress being squeezed. "I don't see any reason for you to be embarrassed, Shinji. Your own penis is very nice."

"Will you stop squeezing yourself?!"

"Why, it's my penis now."

"Only temporarily, I want it back in it's original condition!"

"What are you horny bastards up to?"

"Hi, Asuka."

"Gee, don't sound so excited to see me, why don'cha."

"It's just that we were trying to get the two Shinjis to agree to some sex."

Sound of Asuka's jaw dropping open.

"Why are you here, Asuka?"

"That woman who put you two piecemeal people back together wants you to come over so she can see what she can do about your brains."

"Alright!"

"Damn, I was just starting to get used to having a penis."

* * *

Misato and Asuka stood nearby as Yui poked, prodded, and groped Shinji and Rei's bodies, all four of them. "Hmmm..."

"Well?"

Yui looked behind Shinji's left ear. "Hmmmm..."

"Well?"

Yui Looked at Rei's belly button. "Ahhh..."

"Well?"

Yui twisted the other Rei's nipple. "That seems to be in order."

"Well?"

Yui yanked on Shinji's penis. "That shouldn't happen," she muttered as she looked at the detached penis on her hand.

"Hey, put that back on my body!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted.

It was his penis, after all. Used to be, at least.

"Hold your horses," Yui said before popping the penis into her mouth.

"Ack!"

After sucking on the penis for a bit, Yui pulled the rock hard appendage out of her mouth and twisted it onto Rei in Shinji's body's crotch. "There, that should hold better now."

"What does it feel like to have your mother suck your penis, Shinji?" Asuka asked, poking the Shinji in Rei's body in his/her ribs.

"You're just jealous."

Asuka smirked. "I sucked it many times when I had it."

"That's sick!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted just before Yui pulled the top of his/her skull off.

"Hmmmm..." Yui muttered as she prodded Shinji's brain with her finger.

The Shinji in Rei's body giggled. "Hey, that tickles!"

"Really?" Yui frowned. "Brains aren't usually ticklish. Maybe I put some of your foot cells in your brain." After replacing the skull and the skin covering it, she bent down and lifted the foot on Rei's body.

Tickling the bottom, she asked, "How does that feel?"

"It is a most logical feeling."

Yui sighed. "Yeah, looks like I mixed up about a couple hundred nerve receptors there." She sighed. "Well, it's not that important."

"Not important?" the Shinji in Rei's body shouted, stomping his/her foot on the theater floor. He/she stared in amazement as the bottom of his/her right leg detached at the knee and toppled sideways to the floor. "What the..."

'Oh my..." Yui bent down and picked up the detached limb. "You've got to be more careful." She tried to reattach the limb, but Shinji's hopping around to keep his/her balance prevented her. "Ms. Katsuragi can you please hold Shinji still so I can reattach this leg?"

"I'll help!" Rei in Shinji's body said and grabbed the shoulder that she/he used to call her/his own. "Ahhjhhh!" she/he gasped as her/his right arm separated midway up her/his forearm. Like Shinji's leg, no blood emerged from the severed limb, but the bone and muscle tissue could be seen clearly.

"Oh my... you have to be careful too. These bodies are only held together with spit, after all."

"What?!" The others in the theater chorused together.

Misato was so amazed, she let go of Shinji in Rei's body causing him/her to tip over and fall to the ground, breaking his/her left arm and right breast off in the process.

"Shinji's going all to pieces," Asuka remarked as she picked up the breast. "Hmmm... no implants here."

Yui sighed and looked at the muscles and tendons sticking out of the severed leg she held. "If only I had some nano-bots to use instead of spit."

* * *

The residents of the theater all sat around in a circle. Yui had her two reassembled patients on either side of her, while the other Shinji and Rei were kneeling by their counterparts. Asuka and Misato completed the circle.

"So you both have to be more careful with your bodies or they'll fall apart again," Yui finished her scolding.

"This is not fair!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted and started to punch his/her fist into the floor, but stopped before doing it and breaking his/her arm off.

"Good. You have to learn to control your actions."

The Rei in Shinji's body flexed her fingers and said something unmentionable. And you know it has to be REALLY bad not to be mentionable in this story.

"And watch your language."

"Sorry, Mrs. Ikari."

The other Rei turned towards Misato. "Mom, what does..."

Misato slapped her hand over her daughter's mouth.

Asuka frowned and looked between the two Rei bodies and Yui.

"Hmmmm..." She stood up and walked over to the two Rei bodies. After staring at each in turn she looked closely at Yui. "Ha! I knew it!" She turned towards Misato. "Hey, Misato?"

"Yes?" Misato responded, confused at Asuka's attitude.

"Rei's not really your daughter."

Gasps resonated amongst many of the people assembled there, most of all from Rei herself.

"What... what do you mean?" Misato asked, aghast. She glanced at Rei, but couldn't hold her gaze on the girl she had thought a part of her.

"I think she lied about the whole

they-impregnated-you-with-material-from-Adam-and-ripped-out-your-womb-that-contained-me-and-thousands-more-mes thing." Asuka pointed at Rei and then Yui. "Look at the Reis and Mrs.

Ikari... their faces are the same."

Misato looked between the Reis and Yui and gasped when she finally noticed the resemblance. "No..." she gasped and looked at Rei. "Rei, how could you deceive me like that!"

"I didn't," Rei insisted.

"If you just wanted to be comforted or to needed me to be there for you, you should have just said so." Misato started to shake as a feeling of betrayal spread through her. "But to lie about being my daughter."

"I am your daughter! I know I am..." Doubt crossed Rei's face. "At least that's what the records indicated." She looked between Misato, her other body, and Mrs. Ikari. "But..."

Yui interrupted. "Rei is quite right, she was part of the original plan for Second Impact and was produced using your eggs and material from Adam." She looked at Misato. "I was the one who insisted they remove your womb."

Misato glared at the older woman. "Gee... thanks."

"They originally intended to leave your womb in place as they force grew it and the thousands of First Children within," Yui explained and then made her point perfectly clear by saying, "You wouldn't have survived the birth."

Misato gulped. "So that means..." She looked at Rei. "Sorry, I doubted you."

Rei wiped a tear out of her eye. "That's okay, Mother."

Asuka shook her head. "I don't buy it! Why do they look so much like you, Mrs. Ikari?"

Yui sighed. "Well, that's a long story about my husband's twisted little mind."

"Oh, we already know he's a sick, twisted bastard," Asuka remarked, earning nods from all the others.

Yui smiled. "Oh, good, If you know that already, that'll make this a real short story then."

* * *

A four-year-old Shinji stared at the huge, humanoid form behind the plate glass window in awe. He stretched out his arms and clapped as the form raised its arm.

Suddenly, the ambient lighting turned red and alarm horns started sounding.

In front of the glass, little Shinji's eyes widened as the humanoid form bellowed and growled like a lion forced to sit though endless showings of the WB version of Cardcaptors. Although held in place by various harnesses and clamps, the figure thrashed around, breaking the ridiculously flimsy restraints.

Little Shinji just stared at the figure as technicians panicked behind him.

"Oh my god! Her sync ratio is at four hundred percent!"

"That's impossible!"

"Sever the interface!"

"No response!"

"Damn, I should have insisted we wait until the full entry plug system was ready."

"Look!"

"Oh my god, it's full of stars!"

"No, not the movie on HBO, look at Unit One!"

Before the technicians' eyes and-more importantly-little Shinji's eyes, the blob-like figure started to reshape itself. White flesh started to drip off the figure as it grew thinner and took on a more human appearance.

One particular human.

Little Shinji reached out as he recognized the breasts that formed on the figure. "Mommy!" He put his mouth to the glass and made sucking motions. Fond memories of breast feeding danced in his head.

Then the head formed.

At first it was the loving image of his mother.

"Ma... ma..."

Then the face screamed and inhuman roar. The flesh bubbled and distorted into a horrible parody of a human being.

Shinji stumbled backwards and screamed.

* * *

"Your mother won't be coming home ever again, Shinji."

Little Shinji sobbed into his favorite stuffed doll, Mr. Oak Tree.

"There... there," the redheaded woman said. "But your daddy will be home soon."

Little Shinji started to cry even more.

* * *

Gendou Ikari sobbed into all that was left of his wife, a simple dress and lab coat that she had been wearing during the activation test.

"Yui..."

In a large tank beside him, hundreds of small forms-about the size of a four-year old girl-floated. Although they had four limbs and a protrusion when a human head would have been. Its body was a pudgy mass of pale gray flesh, not unlike the Pillsbury Doughboy.

The figures floated in the LCL like they had since their 'birth'

four years earlier.

"Yui!" Gendou shouted. "Why... why did you have to be the one to test that monster!" He banged on the glass tank. "Why not Kyoko or that womb-less brat of that pain-in-the-ass Katsuragi. Naoko or her brat, even... they're all expendable. But not you, Yui!" He pounded on the glass again.

A heartbeat.

Gendou flinched. "Yui?"

Another heartbeat.

Gendou looked at the faceless blobs and put his hand against the glass. "If only I could see your face again, Yui."

A heartbeat from the nearest blob caused ripples to spread away from its shrinking body and intersect with the other blobs, which also started grown thinner and start to take on human proportions. Or, to be more exact, the proportions of a four-year-old female child.

"What the..."

As one, the figures all turned their little head towards Gendou and each of them smiled an eerie little smile.

"Yui!" Gendou shouted as he recognized the face that formed on the little girl's face directly in front of him. Before long, that face was repeated on all of the hundreds of forms that floated in the gestation tank location in the Gehirn laboratory on the outskirts of the ruins of old Tokyo.

* * *

"Gendou Ikari, why have you chosen a form for the First Children located in Tokyo?"

Gendou stood naked before the half-dozen iMacs setup in the back room of the Gehirn laboratory. Each had a web camera attached to the top of it, which matched the color of the main unit. All the screens had a message on them that read 'Voice only - Gehirn' plus a one-digit number.

"Um... sorry." Gendou shrugged, causing his penis and testicles to bounce.

Retching sounds were heard from five of the iMacs.

"Can you do that again?" asked a male voice from the sixth.

Gendou frowned, but shrugged again.

'Gehirn Six' giggled from his blueberry iMac.

"It was a mistake. Somehow the proto-forms chose their final appearance based on my feelings at the time."

"Just be thankful we have the other proto-forms in the other Gehirn facilities already and they are still in their primordial form, or we'd remove you permanently from the project."

"Yes, Sir." Gendou paused long enough to make it seem like he was being subservient to the iMacs. "If I may... there may be a use for the First Children in its new form."

Gehirn Two spoke from his salmon pink iMac. "We forbid you to use the First Children in some sort of sick, perverted sexual fantasy to replace your lost wife."

Gendou thought fast. "That's not what I meant!"

"Then what?'

Gendou thought faster. "In addition to the First Children's role in the Human Instrumentality Project, if one is given the spare soul we have and activated we may have our first pilot by the time the Evangelions are ready."

The iMacs' screen savers came on and little flying oak trees flew across the screens for several moments.

Without warning, the screens of Gehirn Two through Six shut down and Gehirn One's voice was heard from its moss green iMac. "Very well.

Submit a full proposal in triplicate to endoftheworld ."

Gendou opened his mouth to speak, but Gehirn One shut down before he could. "Well, that'll keep the bastards happy until my plans can be realized." He looked back at the little four-year-old girl waiting stiffly by the door to the storeroom. "Until OUR plans are realized."

He started to walk towards the door. "Come on, Rei, we have work to do."

The girl spread her legs.

"No... that's not what I meant."

* * *

"So..." Rei in her third body tried to digest what Yui had just told everyone in the theater. "My body and face were formed due to a grief induced psychopathic episode that Commander Ikari experienced after you were absorbed by Unit One during a phase zero compatibility test?"

"Right."

"I just don't get it," the Shinji in Rei's body said, shaking his head.

Yui sighed and dumbed it down a bit. "Gendou went nuts and the unformed First Children took on the form of the woman that he loved more than that tramp Naoko." She smiled. "Me!"

The Shinji in Rei's body scratched his head. "But... but... he was sleeping with Ms. Akagi."

"Yeah, I know." Yui sighed. "He used to do it in Unit One's entry plug with that tramp just so he could make believe he was doing me."

As memories of sticky entry plug controls resurfaced in his mind, the Shinji in Rei's body screamed. Loudly.

* * *

"So now that we know why Rei looks as dorky as she does..."

"Shut up, Asuka!" two Reis, two Shinjis, and a single Yui all shouted at Asuka.

Asuka mumbled something about no one being able to take a joke and then spoke again. "So what do we do about the mixed up brains in these two." She pointed at the reassembled Shinji and Rei.

Yui looked thoughtfully at her two patients. "Well, we could kill this Shinji and put the other's Shinji's brain in the non-damaged Shinji's body."

"What?! " the others all snapped, amazed.

"And dispose of the damaged Rei, of course." Yui finally saw the incredulous looks on the others. "What? It's not as if they are real."

her eyes darted slightly towards Misato and Asuka.

The Shinji from world six-six-six backed away from Yui, pulling the Rei in Shinji's body with him to protect her/him. He only ended up with just her/his hand in the process. "Sorry," he said, handing Rei's hand back to her/him.

"I won't let you do that to... either of them!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted.

Yui sighed. "Fine... fine..." She thought some more and then indicated her new plan. "I could probably graft the heads of the damaged bodies onto the good bodies."

Mental images of two headed Reis and Shinjis danced in everyone's heads, except Asuka. Her mental image included four heads on Shinji. Two above and two below. "Could you..." Asuka began.

"No," Yui interrupted. "There wouldn't be enough blood to support two penises."

Asuka grumbled something that was probably not very flattering about Yui or Shinji.

The Rei in Shinji's body looked at Shinji's groin and then at the penis hanging from her own groin. "Whatever you do, could I keep this one?"

"No! It's mine!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted.

"Now, Shinji, you've got to share your toys with others," Yui reprimanded him.

Shinji smirked with Rei's mouth. "Oh... I'll share it with her."

"Hey!" the Shinji in his own body blurted. "That's my Rei, get your own!"

The Shinji in Rei's body frowned and looked confused. "I've got my own Rei."

"Oh yeah." Shinji looked similarly confused, just without having breasts that bounced when he frowned. Rei's breasts-my Rei's breasts at least-never bounced when she frowned. He turned to Yui. "I don't think that two headed idea will work, Mom."

Yui shook her head. "I've told you many times that I'm not you mother, so stop calling me that." Shinji rolled his eyes, but Yui ignored him and made another suggestion. "Oh well... what if I..." Or started to.

"No four headed Shinji-Rei-Rei-Shinji either," Misato quickly cut off the older woman. It's nice having an old hag like her around to draw the attention from my age.

Yui glared at Misato briefly, as if she had heard Misato's internal comment. Then without bashing Misato's head in, she gave another suggestion. "Well then... the only choice left is to merge the memories of the two Shinjis and two Reis. Since there's only two good bodies, one real soul, and one artificial one between the four of you, that is about the only way to preserve what makes them-" She looked at both residents of world six-six-six. "-them."

"Can you do that?" Misato asked as the Shinjis and Reis all looked around with renewed hope and apprehension.

"Yes, it's just a simple download and then you kill and dismember the old shells."

"Oh, can I help with the last part?" Asuka asked, pleadingly.

"No, you can't have the left over penis, Asuka."

"Awwww crap."

* * *

"Are you sure this is the only way?" one of the Shinjis asked.

Yui nodded.

"What will happen to... ME?" the other Shinji asked.

"You will still be you, but with the memories of another you."

"And me?"

"You'll have the other Rei's memories; both good and bad."

The Rei in Shinji's body frowned. "Can't be any worse than the hell I went through growing up."

"I was kept in a tank filled with a very boring gelatinous liquid most of the time," the other Rei remarked.

"Bummer."

"Yes, and the liquid told real lame jokes too."

"So, should we do it?" the Shinji in Rei's body asked.

The four of them just stared at each other, their faces betraying their uncertainty over the procedure that Yui had described in detail using a twelve hundred slide Microsoft PowerPoint presentation. After several seconds of nothing but silent glances passing between their faces, one of their faces fell off and made a squelching sound on the floor.

The brain belonging to Rei that was in Shinji's faceless skull looked down at the pile of flesh. "Aammm... I thaank wee shhhod doo it."

The others agreed after Rei's left breast fell off the Shinji in Rei's body and bounced across the floor until it stopped and wiggled around like a lump of jelly molded in the form of a breast.

Breast-shaped jelly molds are for sale at .com.

* * *

"This may be very painful," Yui remarked as she grabbed Rei's crotch.

Rei shook her head casually. "That's okay, I have a high tolerance for pain and I'm sure I can han... argggggggggghhhhh!" Rei dropped to her knees and clutched her throbbing, wet pussy. "Shit, that really hurt!"

The others in the theater all gulped. If it had been the Rei from world six-six-six, they might not have been amazed at the filthy language that had emerged from Rei's mouth. But hearing that sort of language from Rei three was so unusual they knew it must have been an extremely painful experience.

Yui looked down at the fig leaf she had just torn from Rei's privates. "Sorry, but I really can't begin the procedure until we remove these from such sensitive nerve bundles. It would probably make her a sex-crazed slut if... I..." She trailed off as she looked at the Rei in Shinji's body. "Um... well, it would affect the merger of the brains if I left them on such sensitive spots." She took a step forward and reached for the fig leaf on Rei's right breast. "This will probably hurt even more."

She was right.

* * *

One gross, disgusting, and unnecessarily gory operation later, two brainless bodies lay on the theater floor near the non-damaged Rei and Shinji bodies, which were standing upright with their eyes open. Instead of their normal pupils, 'out to lunch' was displayed in their eyeballs.

Rei's body had fig leaf shaped welts on her three most recognizably female body parts.

Asuka was in one of the theater's corners playing with the left over penis, which the others had finally given up trying to keep away from her after she hid it in a place no one would touch for a million dollars. The readers are free to use their own sick little imaginations what that playing consists of and where she hid the penis. Please wipe the vomit, drool, blood, or other bodily fluid up after you're done.

Misato was hovering over her daughter, watching Yui's every move as the older woman pushed the last of Shinji's brain into the other Shinji's brain. "Somehow I thought the procedure would be more complicated," she remarked.

Yui pulled her finger out of Shinji's ear and then wiped the bits of gray matter left on her hands off on her robe. "What do you think this is, some sort of operating room? I had to make do with what I had available to me. The cells of the two brains will merge and the memories of both will become one... probably."

"Probably?" Misato asked, looking worriedly at her daughter.

Yui stuck a finger in both of her patients' ears. "Well, there's a slight chance their dual memories will drive them insane and they'll start hacking up the rest of us." She started to hum the tune to 'Fly Me to the Moon'.

"What?" Misato gasped, unconsciously taking a step backwards.

"I said it was just a slight chance. There's a slightly better chance it'll work out fine and both of them will be able to handle their new memories."

"So what's the most likely outcome?"

"They'll have the mental capacity of a Seele committee member."

Misato's eyes grew wide in terror. "Oh my god... no! Not my daughter!" Ignoring the danger of being hacked up into tiny little pieces, she reached out and took her daughter's hand and prayed for the first time since just before her father died. And we all know how well THAT turned out.

Yui started to hum the human activation tune again and twisted her fingers in her two patients' ears.

Shinji's eyes started to roll like a slot machine. "Ping!" he shouted suddenly and his eyes flickered and displayed 'brainOS 9.4b2'.

Several seconds later, his brain blue-screened.

"Oh crap..." Yui muttered and gave Shinji a three-fingered salute.

The reboot sequence involved sticking her fingers up his nostrils and up one more orifice, which will remain nameless.

"Ewwww..." Misato said as Yui shoved her finger up Shinji's anus.

Okay, so it's not nameless anymore.

A blood-curdling scream was heard. Even though it sounded like a little girl screaming, it didn't come from Shinji. Rei dropped to her knees and grabbed her head as memories of four lives tried to coexist.

Three of those lives were used to it; the fourth was not.

"Rei!" Misato yelled and wrapped her arms protectively around her daughter. "It'll be alright, just be strong."

"Liquid... all around me..." Rei gasped. "No... don't touch me there!" She shuddered. "Unit Zero is... myself..." A trickle of blood dripped from her nose. "Damn, that guy's a stud!"

Misato shook Rei violently. "Rei! Rei! Snap out of it!"

Rei blinked several times and then looked vacantly into Misato's eyes.

"Are you alright?" Misato asked with a tone that could only come from a mother.

"Yes, I think so'" Rei nodded. "I'm fine-" She paused, as if searching her memories for the proper term. "I'm fine, Mother."

Something inside her remembered Misato as her teacher and commander during battle, but 'Mother' felt better.

Misato smiled.

"Shinji?" Rei asked as she turned towards her co-brain squeeze.

"Cardcaptors is better than the original show."

Misato and Rei's jaws dropped.

"Fox Kids really knows how to make good shows out of great shows."

Yui sighed.

"Of course he's a samurai, he carries a sword!"

Yui looked away from the nonsense spewing Shinji. "Well, one out of two not going insane isn't that bad considering the conditions I had to operate under."

"Oh, Shinji!" Rei cried out as she jumped over and embraced Shinji. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's a moron," Yui said softly.

"Yeah, yeah... we've always known that, but what's wrong with him now?" Asuka asked as she walked over, a strange limp noticeable in her stride.

Yui ignored the slam to Shinji's mental capacity-either because she agreed with it or she didn't get Asuka's put down-and explained further. "The two sets of memories couldn't handle being joined, so he went stark, raving mad."

"Oh..." A mischievous smile appeared on Asuka's face. "In that case, Rei won't want him any more." She grabbed Shinji's hand and pulled "So I'll take him."

Rei jumped forward and grabbed Shinji's other hand. "No, I love him; moron or not."

"I love my daddy!" Shinji said and then tried to touch his nose with the tip of his tongue.

"Oh my. He's even worse than I thought," Yui said and looked sadly at the floor.

* * *

The theater according to Shinji:

All the worlds are naught but a theater and we are but actors in a real lame play.


	28. Rei Blows Shinji!

Garden of Eva 2:10 - Rei Blows Shinji, Who Sucks Asuka, Who Bites Misato!

* * *

Yui looked away from the nonsense spewing Shinji. "Well, one out of two not going insane isn't that bad considering the conditions I had to operate under."

"Oh, Shinji!" Rei cried out and jumped over to embrace Shinji.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's a moron," Yui said softly.

"Yeah, yeah... we've always known that, but what's wrong with him now?" Asuka asked as she walked over, a strange limp noticeable in her stride.

Yui ignored the slam to Shinji's mental capacity-either because she agreed with it or she didn't get Asuka's put down-and explained further. "The two sets of memories couldn't handle being joined, so he went stark, raving mad."

"Oh..." A mischievous smile appeared on Asuka's face. "In that case, Rei won't want him any more." She grabbed Shinji's hand and pulled "So I'll take him."

Rei jumped forward and grabbed Shinji's other hand. "No, I love him; moron or not."

"I love my daddy!" Shinji said and then tried to touch his nose with the tip of his tongue.

"Oh my. He's worse than I thought," Yui said and looked sadly at the floor.

"Come on... what good is he to you in this condition?" Asuka asked Rei as she tried to keep Shinji from picking her nose.

Rei glared at Asuka. "Love is more than spending time talking and sharing your lives together. There's the sex, too!"

"Yeah, I know. That's why I want him. I assume his brain being Swiss cheese won't affect his ability to get a hard on." Asuka reached around Shinji's waist and squeezed his penis. She smiled as the expected reaction happened. "Yup, it still works." She leered at the object of her desire. "When you really think about it, he's not that different in this condition than he was before."

"No, not before the Sea King marries us, Ariel!" Shinji spouted and tried to pick Asuka's nose with his erection.

Asuka didn't mind.

But Rei did. "Get your penis out of her nose, Shinji!" she yelled as she yanked Shinji away from Asuka and gave him a big hug. "I'm sorry, Shinji, I know you're a moron now, but I'll always love you."

"I love you too, Rei."

Rei looked up into Shinji's eyes, tears streaming from her own eyes. "Wha..."

Yui pulled her finger off of Shinji's ear and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I missed a bit of brain." She casually held up the severed penis that had formerly been attached to the other Shinji's corpse. "I forgot the bit of his brain that he had in his penis."

Asuka chuckled. "I always knew boys thought with their pricks."

"Shinji?" Rei looked into the eyes of both her lovers and saw something other than reruns of Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. "Oh, Shinji, you're not a moron anymore?"

"Well... it's not like he was a genius before the..." Asuka began, but shut up when Rei kicked her in the stomach. Well, she made some noises, but they were mostly incoherent grunts and groans, with at least one very unflattering remark about Rei's parentage.

Asuka made even odder noises when Misato slapped her with a live halibut. "I had enough of being called a fish hatchery in high school, so shut the hell up!"

While Misato and Asuka began the latest almost-naked chick fight to take place in the theater, Rei finished giving Shinji a long, wet kiss.

"I'm so happy you're alright. " She put a hand to Shinji's forehead to make sure his brain wasn't too hot.

"I'm fi..." Shinji suddenly gasped and clutched his head. "Oh my god! It's so simple. I..."

"Are you okay, Shinji?" Rei asked, pressing her naked breasts against Shinji's naked chest.

"Yes, I..." Something suddenly came up. "Um.. err..." Shinji's eyes went wide as the blood drained from his newly merged brain in order to raise his oak tree. "Oh crap! Now I forgot how to do it!"

Rei frowned and looked at Shinji with concern. "Do what?"

"It... it was so clear and obvious suddenly. I knew instinctively that it would work and the details of how to make it were so detailed in my newly merged mind."

"What?" Rei prodded.

"I suddenly realized a sure-fire way to make a perfect world."

"How?"

Shinji shrugged his shoulders. "I forgot."

"Oh..." Rei tilted her head. "Want to go make out then?"

Shinji smiled. "Sure." He took Rei's hand and stepped over the struggling bodies of Asuka and Misato, who were rolling around on the floor naked; their fig leaves having been torn off during one of the more painful moments of the fight. Not to mention erotic moments.

Yui sighed as she looked at the people she found herself confined in the theater with. "I should have never bothered trying to improve humanity. We're hopeless."

* * *

Shinji's oak tree pressed into the fertile ground of Rei's forest for a split second before Yui pulled Shinji away, uprooting his oak tree before it could sow its seed. "Aw, Mom!"

"Please let him fuck me!" Rei moaned, but not in the way she wanted to moan.

Yui shook her head sadly. "I didn't merge you four so you could screw each other's brains out." Shinji sighed. "Especially after all the hard work I did to put the brains in your horny skulls in the first place."

"Please?"

"Real men don't beg." Yui shook her head sadly. "Gendou used to beg me mercilessly for everything." She started to count on her fingers.

"Food, sex, foreplay, more food, destroy the world... in that order. It never stopped with that man."

Shinji and Rei started to back up.

"Hold it!" Yui snapped, stopping them in their tracks. "I was afraid of you horny little children-" She glanced at Misato, who was borrowing Shinji's old penis. "-getting out of control without your leaves." She whipped out an oak leaf and held it menacingly out in front of her. "Come here, Shinji."

Rei's eyes went wide. "No, don't take Mr. Pokey away from me!"

"Mr. Pokey?!" Shinji and Yui gasped in unison. They did a double take and then looked at Rei.

"What?" Rei spat. "You don't have nicknames for your favorite toys?"

Shinji and Yui refused to answer that on the grounds that it might incriminate them.

Instead, Yui slid to the side and jumped towards Shinji's oak tree with the oak leaf aimed at his groin.

Rei pulled a weed whacker out of somewhere and sliced up the oak leaf.

Yui flicked her hand and five more oak leaves appeared. "You're going to need a bigger weed whacker, little girl."

Rei glared at Yui. "Why are you such a prude?!"

Yui snarled at the younger woman "I'm not, I just think that sex should be shared only between a man and a woman who have been married for no less than five years-to make sure the jerk doesn't turn out to be some skirt chasing pedophile-and then only with the lights out so neither can see the other's naughty bits." She glanced at Rei and Shinji's naughty bits.

Shinji frowned. "That sounds like a prude to me."

"Am not!" Yui retorted.

"I agree with Shinji; you are a prude."

"Am not!" Yui lunged for Shinji's oak tree with an oak leaf, but the leaf missed and became attached to his left buttock. "Hold still!"

she yelled and she readied another leaf. Rei stepped in front of Yui and took the leaf for her lover. Yui glared at the leaf as it stuck to Rei's skin right under her left breast. "Wait your turn, I have to protect the morals of everyone in this theater!"

Shinji suddenly stiffened... no, not THAT kind of stiffened. His whole body went rigid and his eyes went wide. A light bulb appeared above his head and cast a golden glow down on his body accompanied by heavenly music that played from a old fashioned CD player setup in one of the corners of the theater. "That's it!"

Rei and Yui stopped struggling for Yui's last oak leaf-the other two being stuck to Rei's right butt cheek and Yui's left forearm-and looked at Shinji. "What?"

Shinji was smiling broadly. "I remembered how to make that perfect world."

Rei forgot about her catfight with Yui and smiled. "That's great!"

She took a step toward Shinji to give him a big hug, but then remembered what the feeling of her breasts did the first time Shinji came to his big revelation. Instead of pressing her firm, teenage breasts against his chest, she reached out and shook his hand. "That's great news, Shinji."

Yui smiled. "See, you don't have to be over affectionate and rub your firm, teenage body against his skinny, teenage body to show your support for him." She suddenly looked like a middle-aged librarian.

"Purity and chastity are your best choice for a platonic future together."

So engrossed in her speech about abstinence and chastity, Yui completely missed seeing Shinji and Rei start to get hot and heavy behind her.

Only when she heard the slurping sounds when Rei started to live up to this part's title, did Yui notice that they weren't paying attention to her three hour long speech on the benefits of being chaste. "Hey, stop that!"

Rei ignored the older woman and continued blowing to her heart's content.

* * *

Shinji stared at the storyboards for several moments before putting the marker to the paper and making another in a series of marks. "This will really be perfect this time." He scribbled out the line he had just made and drew another line, but with a curve in it. "Yeah, that's the ticket."

Asuka laughed deeply. "Ha! I'll believe it when I see that it doesn't bite, suck, or blow!"

"It won't," Shinji insisted.

"We trust you, Shinji," Misato said, putting a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"I don't!" Asuka insisted.

Rei was snuggled up at Shinji's side. "Let's see it."

"Well... it's not done yet..." Shinji said with a little apprehension.

"Please?" Rei asked, pushing her breasts against Shinji's arm.

"Well... okay, but remember it's not done yet," Shinji agreed in a loud squeaky voice and turned over the storyboards so the others could see them.

"Wha..." Rei gasped.

"That's..." Misato searched for words to describe what was represented on the storyboards, but couldn't find any.

Naturally, Asuka could. "That's one fucked up idea you got there, Shinji," she said, smirking.

Yui wiped a tear out of her eyes. "I'm so proud of you. I never thought you'd have the balls to kill so many people at once."

Shinji frowned. "Kill?" He turned the storyboard around and looked at it from various angles trying to figure out how his latest perfect world could possibly kill anymore. It was perfect after all.

Of course, Shinji always thought that at first of all of the six hundred and sixty-six 'perfect' worlds he had created in the theater up to that point.

Not seeing anything wrong, he shrugged his shoulders and continued working on the storyboard. The pile of discarded storyboards to his left would soon grow by one.

* * *

"Why don't you give it up, Shinji?"

Shinji looked up from his latest attempt to draw his 'really perfect this time' world. The storyboard was mostly scribbled out lines and figures. "Because it's too important, Asuka."

"Why can't you accept that we'll never get out of this damned theater and start repopulating the Earth by fucking us?" Asuka asked, while spreading her legs invitingly. "Me first."

"What's the point of repopulating a world that is confined by wooden walls?" Shinji said as he crumpled up the storyboard he had just been working on. He was about to add it to the growing pile of toilet paper when he paused. "Walls..." he whispered as he uncrumpled the storyboard. He stared at its clean pristine buildings made out of some kind of crystal substance. "That's it!" He giggled like a little schoolgirl.

Misato looked over at Shinji and then at Rei. "How many times is that?"

Rei looked at the wall to her side and made another chalk mark next to the hundreds of others. She scanned the numbers briefly before responding. "That's two thousand, seven hundred and eighty times he's said 'that's it'."

Misato sighed.

"But that is the first time he's giggled like a little schoolgirl after saying it." Rei consulted her running total. "Usually he cackles like his father or gets an erection."

"Like his father, you mean..." Misato sighed again.

"Ha! Like my husband could get it up was regularly as Shinji,' Yui laughed as she walked over. For some reason, she was still holding Shinji's penis in her hand. "I mean look at this..." She raised the severed member to her mouth and blew on it. It stiffened. "It's not even connected to a body and it still performs better than my husband."

Asuka stormed over. "Hey! Who said you could have that!"

"Finders keepers."

Asuka clenched her fists. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Asuka took one step before a cry from Shinji interrupted the brewing catfight, much to the readers' disappointment.

"Finished!"

Rei frowned. "That's the first time he's said that."

Shinji was doing a little happy dance in the center of the theater, twirling a stack of storyboards above his head. "It's perfect!" Near where he was jumping around like an idiot, a viewpoint started to form right next to the frozen viewpoint, which had shown world six-six-six to those in the theater.

The women all gasped when they saw the viewpoint start to form.

"Wow, he must have really finished it this time," Misato commented.

Asuka laughed deeply. "This world is really going to blow..."

Rei and Misato wanted to disagree with Asuka, but they knew the redhead was probably right.

There was no way they would tell Asuka that, of course.

* * *

In the beginning when the world was new, green pastures flowed across the gently rolling hills between the sea and the mountains. The occasional small bush or tree broke up the green grass. The climate was mild, with occasional rain showers and a gentle breeze to help keep the land green and in bloom.

At first glance it looked like paradise.

At second glance it looked like one boy's idea of paradise.

Both glances weren't entirely wrong.

Into the green paradise appeared dozens and maybe hundreds of five-year-old kids, all naked as the day they were born; which technically was the moment they had first appeared in the paradise. So you could say they were always naked, since they were never wearing anything. Not even a diaper, or g-string, or fig leaf, or... well, you get the idea.

They were naked, innocent, and pure.

Then a redheaded girl tackled a black haired boy. Squealing with delight, the two kids tumbled down the hill, bowling over a girl with short blue hair.

Before long, the two girls were playing tug of war with the boy.

Or, to be more exact, they were playing tug of war WITH the boy's body The more things change...

* * *

"What?" Misato gasped. "He made the three of you into five year old kids?" she looked away from the three playing kids at her other theater mates.

"Damn, why did he not make me as big as I really am?" Asuka asked, sticking out her ample bosom.

"They're only five years old, you moron!"

Asuka scowled at Rei. "I liked you better when you were just our Rei."

"Get used to it, we're one person now and loving it." Rei smiled broadly.

Misato studied the viewpoint. "Hmmm... well, if he took nine years off of everyone's ages, then I'd be fourteen again!"

Asuka chuckled. "Try twenty or so."

Misato's fist met the side of Asuka's head a second later.

* * *

A little five-year-old girl with long black hair put a crown made out of flowers onto a little shorthaired boy's head. The little girl giggled as she surveyed her handy work. "Ga!"

The boy smiled charmingly at the girl, some smudges on his chin making him looking like he had the start of a real lame beard.

The girl took his hand and skipped off across the meadow, humming sweetly.

* * *

Misato's jaw dropped. "He made me and Kaji five-years-old too?"

Asuka laughed. "At least you're together, even if he's a little wimp now. My Kaji would never play with flowers or skip in such a girly way."

Misato sighed. "No, that's pretty much how he was in college after he'd had a few."

Asuka's eyes widened. "And here I always thought you were the mean drunk in that couple."

"Hey, there's Hikari and her two boyfriends," Rei remarked, pointing at the viewpoint.

The women all watched a girl with long brown hair running around the serene landscape with two boys, one with black hair and one with brown.

"They look happy," Asuka remarked, a slight wistful tone evident in her voice.

"It can't last," Yui remarked suddenly from behind the three younger women. "He made a paradise where there's no reason for the humans to progress mentally or physically. A Garden of Eden without the serpent."

"Hey, there's your husband," Rei said, pointing at the viewpoint.

"Oops... spoke too soon."

* * *

The strange little bearded boy was playing in a mud puddle when a little girl with yellow hair skipped over. She stared at the boy for a few moments before jumping into the mud and splashing around.

After getting thoroughly covered in mud, the two kids skipped off into the sunset, giggling all the way.

* * *

Asuka clutched her head and screamed. "Oh, the horror!"

Yui frowned. "Could he have..." She let her thought trail off when she recognized something familiar on the viewpoint. "Dammit, don't go near that bitch!"

Asuka smiled. "So that's Ritsuko's mother, huh?" she asked, looking at the brown haired girl who was now dancing in front of the little Gendou and Yui.

Yui nodded angrily. "I saw that cunt all too often after I died and could only watch my husband screw everything in a sk... um... screw everything up."

Asuka wasn't sure if the older woman meant the woman in general was a cunt or if she was referring the vagina on Ritsuko's mother. Both, probably, she decided after Yui started to rant and rave about the innocent young girl on the viewpoint.

"Ritsuko looks happy with Maya," Misato said, pointing at two girls in the background.

Rei squinted and tried to make out more details. "What are they doing?"

Asuka suddenly grew interested and looked closely. "What, are they humping each other?"

Misato shook her head. "It looks like Ritsuko is trying to teach Maya how to pick..." Her eyes went wide. "No! Don't touch the apples!"

* * *

The little brown haired girl stood on top of the little black haired girl's shoulders and reached for one of the red apples hanging from the tree. The second her fingers touched it... nothing happened.

The second her little fingers wrapped around the forbidden fruit...

nothing happened. The second she pulled it from the branch... nothing happened. The second she smiled and looked down at her helper... she fell to the ground and rolled down the little hill the apple tree was on.

She grunted as she stopped, but then smiled when she saw that the apple was lying next to her. Giggling, she put the red fruit to her mouth. She opened her mouth to take a bite, but paused when the little shorthaired girl walked up. Smiling, she held the fruit out to the other girl so she could take the first bite.

* * *

"Well, Eve and Eve is an interesting difference," Misato remarked.

"Gee, even Shinji's version of paradise has lesbian lolitas. What a sicko!" Asuka remarked, hitting Shinji with his own arm. That being the severed arm belonging to the corpse of one half of the current Shinji, of course.

"Ouch!" Shinji gasped and grabbed his head as he came out of his trance. The viewpoint immediately froze right before little Maya bit into the succulent red fruit that would damn the new world to an eternity of non-naked women. "What'd you do that for?" he asked, his eyes dimming slightly.

Yui stepped over and pushed some of Shinji's brain back into his ear where it was oozing out. "Try not to hit him for a little while longer, Asuka dear. His combined brain is still not completely solid yet."

Shinji's eyes returned to their former vacant look. "Why'd you hit me, Asuka?"

Asuka pointed at the viewpoint. "What's the idea of stealing the Garden of Eden idea?"

"Garden of EVA?" Shinji asked, confused. He looked back at the frozen viewpoint. "I made sure there were no Eva's in my new world this time."

Asuka pulled her arm back to hit Shinji upside his head with his own severed arm again, but stopped when she remembered the goo between his ears. "Garden of EDEN, idiot!" She kicked him in his left shin.

There wasn't any brain there, after all.

Rei pulled Shinji out of Asuka's kicking range. "Actually, Garden of Eva sounds like a good name for Shinji's new world. We are all here due to the Evangelions, after all."

Yui puffed out her chest out of pride. Or she just wanted to show off her slim figure under her semi-sheer robe.

Asuka laughed. "Ha! Garden of Eva sounds like some crappy story about our sick, perverted, and twisted lives!"

The others in the theater suddenly became self-conscious and started looking around, pausing slightly in the reader's direction.

Misato cleared her throat and looked at Shinji. "Anyway, the Garden of Eden is from the Bible. Surely you knew that?"

Shinji rubbed his shin. "Really? Well, I've never seen that movie."

Misato rolled her eyes. "Well, if you've never read it, how did you come up with that?" She pointed at the viewpoint.

"Huh?"

"The apple tree in the middle of the paradise!" Misato snapped, obviously losing her patience.

"Well, they have to eat something, don't they?" Shinji asked, as if it was obvious. "I put some pear trees, banana trees, and some pizza trees in there too."

The jaws of the three younger women dropped open.

"Shinji, junk food is bad for you," Yui scolded in her most annoyingly motherly tone of voice.

Shinji shrugged. "What's life without a good slice of anchovy pizza?"

"Ick," Rei said simply.

"What a lame topping for pizza in a paradise!" Asuka remarked.

"Pen-pen always loved anchovy pizza," Misato said wistfully. Trying to get back to the subject at hand, Misato pointed back at the viewpoint. "So your paradise isn't the Garden of Eva..." She shook her head, trying to get the odd name out of her head. "Err... Eden?"

"Nope. I just finally realized why my other worlds all went bad."

"Why?" the four women all asked.

"Because they all relied on the past as a foundation."

"What do you mean?" Yui asked.

Shinji looked at Yui. "You showed me the problem. Always trying to put leaves on our naughty bits, always talking about chastity and purity, and always trying to apply your standards to us in this theater.

Just like I was always looking at MY worlds through my own eyes."

"I think his brain's on the fritz again," Asuka commented.

"My brain's fine!" Shinji insisted, unconsciously checking his ears for signs of brain ooze. "I was creating worlds through my own experiences and knowledge of the world I had grew up in."

Rei nodded. "Most of them were very similar to our old world."

Misato put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder. "But you did the same with this latest world."

Shinji shook his head. "No... I didn't." He looked at the peaceful landscape displayed in the viewpoint. "I started from scratch. There's nothing in that world. It's a clean slate. Just a place for the children to grow up in."

"I'm amazed it took you so long to draw it then," Asuka muttered sarcastically, glancing at the pile of discarded storyboards.

Misato frowned. "But why start them at five years old and not newborns?"

"I was going to make them babies at first, but then I realized they wouldn't be able to survive on their own without adults," Shinji explained. "But I realized that having adults around would limit the ability of the children to create their own world free of outside influences and the chain of destruction would repeat itself. Starting out with five-year-olds that had basic motor skills to collect the food and interact should allow them to make a world free of the trappings of the old world humans had created."

Yui put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "But to wipe out thousands of years of human history..."

"Human suffering," Shinji retorted.

"The great human achievements..."

"The great human wars."

"Human arts and culture..."

"Like 'Pokerat Twenty-fifteen' and 'Barney does Debbie with a Big Purple Salami'?" Shinji listed the two highest grossing movies of all time in his original world.

Yui went silent and stared at Shinji for several heartbeats. "You may have a point there. I hated that yellow rat."

Asuka smirked. "Bet you loved Barney's two-meter long love-sha...

mpppphhhhh..." She was cut off when Rei and Misato's hands were slapped across her mouth.

Shinji turned back to the viewpoint. "Just watch as my perfect world unfolds."

Asuka chuckled. "I'd be surprised if it survives much beyond the first bite of that apple."

* * *

The girl with the short, black hair sunk her teeth into the succulent red fruit and took a large bite. When she pulled the apple away from her mouth she was smiling broadly as she chewed the morsel in her mouth. Swallowing, she raised the apple to her mouth again, but paused when she saw the brown haired girl in front of her. Smiling, she held the partially eaten fruit out to the other girl.

The brown hair girl smiled and savored the large bite she took out of the apple. By the time she handed the half eaten apple back to the other girl, she had a stream of apple juice running down her face and chest.

The girls finished off the apple quickly and then lay down and stared at the white clouds as they floated overhead.

* * *

"Well, I'm surprised..." Asuka admitted.

The others in the theater were amazed at the admission.

"I mean... it just figures that the first kiss in Shinji's paradise would be a lesbian indirect-kiss." Asuka started laughing. "Bet that world turns into a manless world of lesbians."

"They'd eventually die out if there were no men," Rei remarked, sounding like the original Rei. Her next statement didn't. "Besides, a world without men would be very boring until they invented vibrators."

Asuka's eye twitched. "I liked the old Rei better," she mumbled.

Without warning, Shinji came out of his trance. He turned his head, causing the others in the theater to stumble backwards in fright.

What could terrify the four women that had been to hell, the theater, world six-six-six, Austin, Texas and back to the theater?

The contented and joyous smile on Shinji's face, that's what.

It was a smile of pure happiness that had never before appeared on Shinji's face, not even when Rei blew him or he sucked Asuka or even when Asuka bit Misato's nipples off in world four-seven-two did Shinji smile like this. This was the smile of a boy who was completely and utterly happy.

And, yes, it was on Shinji's face.

"What are you smiling at, you dork?"

Asuka was never the subtle one in the theater.

"I'm smiling because I'm happy that my latest world is going so well."

Asuka laughed deeply. "Give it time, it'll suck eventually."

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!"

"Bet you it turns out great!"

"You're on, what's the bet?"

Shinji thought for a moment, but couldn't think of anything. "I don't know. There's nothing in this theater that I want."

Asuka spread her legs.

"Nope, he doesn't want that," Rei calmly insisted.

That insisting included her pulling Asuka away from Shinji by her long red hair.

"You're on!" Shinji agreed, stunning everyone in the theater. Not to mention the readers. Even the author was a bit amazed at the turn of events. "If that world sucks, I'll suck you like you've never been sucked before."

"And fuck me!" Asuka insisted.

"No way!" Rei insisted.

Shinji smiled and pulled Rei away from Asuka. "It's okay. It's a deal, Asuka, if this world doesn't work out, I'll have sex with you."

"Hot damn!"

"How could you make a bet to cheat on me!" Rei broke into tears and ran into one of the corners, followed closely by Misato.

Shinji pushed Asuka away before the redhead could collect on the bet then and there. "Don't get your hopes up, this world will be perfect.

* * *

About ten years later Shinji's tongue slipped into Asuka's vagina.

* * *

In the theater, five sets of eyes watched the fifteen-year-old Shinji suck Asuka's... you know... on a grassy hill.

"I win the bet!" Asuka yelled and spread her legs.

"How so?" Shinji asked, coming out of his trance.

"You said if your new world sucked, you'd do me." Asuka pointed at the viewpoint. "Shinji's really sucking away there."

"You know very well what I meant." Shinji sighed. "I'd have thought you'd be happy about that." He pointed at the viewpoint, where the 'S'

in sucking had turned into a 'F' just before the image froze.

Asuka huffed and closed her mantrap. "It's pretty obvious that that world is going nowhere! It's been ten years and all they've done is form harmonious clans of boys and girls that forage for food and now they've discovered the pleasure of sex."

"And what's wrong with that?" Shinji asked.

Asuka thought for a moment, before shrugging. "When has sex in one of your worlds ever resulted in something good happening?"

Misato nodded and put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "She does have a point there, Shinji."

Shinji grumbled something that the readers would find very funny if they could have heard it.

"Speak up, Shinji," Yui said in her most motherly tone of voice.

* * *

Shinji arched his back and grunted as a shadow fell over his face.

Opening his eyes, he saw Rei standing over him and watching him poke a redhead. "Coo koo?"

Roughly translated from the primitive language that evolved over the past ten years, that meant 'What's up, person with big bumps and no tree and blue pussy?' It's a very efficient language.

"Koo coo cachooo?" Rei responded.

Roughly translated, that meant 'Whatcha doing?"

"Koo fu moo," better understood as 'Doing person with big bumps and no tree with red stump-eater'.

"Oh," which meant 'Oh'. Oddly, some of their primitive language was exactly the same as English translated from Japanese.

Asuka looked over at Rei. "Oh..." She bounced. "Koo..." Bounce.

"Doodo..." Bounce." Goo..." Bounce. "Roo." All of which means she is greeting Rei while bouncing up and down on Shinji's mighty oak tree.

"Koo coo fu huu zoo?" Rei asked the redhead, which translates to 'When you done screwing the stick, can you help me clean up the cave by our tree?'

Asuka nodded, or maybe it was he riding Shinji's rock hard stick that caused the nod. "Goo muu du wap?" Which means 'Sure, but don't you want to ride the stick after me?"

Rei burped, which was the same as shaking her head 'no'.

"Juu?" which meant 'Then why?'

"Wa ooo ruu."

"Wa?"

"Doo wa cum fuu cuu." Which meant 'Water come from vagina.' Rei looked down at her large belly.

"Pee pee boo poo poo huu luuluu tree," which meant 'You should piss behind the shitting tree near the lesbians' tree'.

* * *

"You jerk!" Asuka slugged Shinji in the stomach and kneed him in the groin before Rei and Misato pulled her away from him.

Shinji came out of his trance in extreme pain. "What the hell happened?" he asked, rubbing his groin.

"Asuka kneed you in your balls," Rei explained as her breasts pressed into Asuka's face as the three naked women wrestled.

"Why?"

Subdued under Misato and Rei's breasts, Asuka exhaled and relaxed.

"Because you got Rei pregnant before me, that's why!"

Shinji sighed. "Well, duh... you should have been paying more attention."

Asuka looked confused. "Huh?"

"About nine months ago they were walking through the woods searching for wallpaper for the cave and Rei tripped and fell on top of Shinji."

"Huh?" Asuka looked at Rei to confirm what Shinji was saying.

Rei nodded. "Shinji got aroused like any other teenager with a gorgeous naked chick like me on top of him and they discovered the 'stick' and some interesting ways to use it."

"How did I miss that?"

Misato rolled her eyes. "You apparently missed seeing Shinji show his stick to the other girl in his little harem as well."

"It's a harmonious clan!" Shinji insisted.

"And it took him nine months to stick it too me?!" Asuka grew angry and threw off the two women holding her down.

Shinji backed up instinctively; he'd seen the look on Asuka's eyes all to often not to know what followed. He dodged her first kick and spun to the side. "Calm down, Asuka!"

"Calm down?" Asuka snapped. "No matter what crappy world you make, I always end up getting screwed after Rei, if at all!"

"Well..." Shinji thought back, but realized Asuka was right. "Um...

sorry."

"I'll show you sorry!" Asuka screamed as she finally tackled Shinji. "Why won't you love me!" she screamed as she throttled Shinji, millennia of pent up sexual frustration finally causing her to snap.

"I... do," Shinji gasped with his precious few breaths.

Two hearts skipped a beat. Those hearts belonging to Asuka and Rei, of course.

"You're trying to trick me!" Asuka insisted, tightening her grip around his neck.

"No, I don't think he is."

Asuka flinched and looked around at the source of the voice, which was the last person she would have expected to hear that from. "Rei?"

"Yes." Rei knelt down next to Asuka and the blue-faced Shinji. "I know both of the Shinjis intimately and know there is a part of them that loves you."

"You're just lying to save his life!" Asuka tightened her grip on the dark purple skin of Shinji's neck.

"No, I'm not."

"I can't believe that! I know he hates me!"

Rei kicked Asuka in the stomach, causing the redhead's hands to slip off Shinji's neck. "As he loves me, he also loves you."

Asuka rubbed her stomach and glared at Rei. "How can you say that after you keep getting him in all those worlds and even in this crappy theater!"

"Haven't you noticed who is all in this theater of Shinji's?" Rei looked around.

Asuka scanned the occupants in the theater. "Yeah, just you, me, Misato, Shinji, and his mom." Her gaze ended on Yui, who was picking lint out of her belly button, oblivious to the three younger women and Shinji's near death experience at the hands of a pissed off redhead.

"All the people he loves."

Asuka smirked. "I've always thought he hated himself, so why is he here then?"

Rei considered this for a moment. "We all hate ourselves in some form or another, but we also love ourselves when it seems no one else can."

Asuka hated when Rei got all philosophical and everything, but then she remembered this was a different Rei. Two Reis in one, in fact.

"You're not talking about masturbation, are you?"

"No." Rei gestured to the others in the theater. "It's no coincidence that the women Shinji loves are all with him here in this theater."

Asuka's eyes went wide as she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

That usually meant Shinji was going to be in extreme pain shortly.

Asuka jumped on top of Shinji and punched his stomach repeatedly.

"You pulled me into this hellhole and you won't even express the love Rei says you have for me! You bastard!" Tears were streaming out of her eyes as she pummeled Shinji. "Why!"

"Ooooof..." Shinji gasped. "It's because... ooooof... of this..."

"Because of what?" Asuka asked as she punched Shinji again.

Shinji pushed Asuka off of him, violently. "Because you're always so violent and angry, you fucking bitch!"

As she sat up from where Shinji's shove had sent her, Asuka flinched. "See, he doesn't love me!"

"I do..." Shinji muttered.

"You've got a weird way of showing it," Asuka spat as she sat up, rubbing her butt. She kept a wary eye on Shinji.

Shinji rubbed his throat. "You're one to talk! When have you ever reached out to touch me without inflicting pain?"

Asuka thought for a moment and opened her mouth to mention a time, but shut it when she realized he was right. For the most part she had never touched him in anything but anger. "Well, you deserved it."

"See?" Shinji stood up and walked over to Asuka. "I'm not sure how we all ended up here together, but Rei is right; I love you all."

"But you won't love me like you love Rei."

Shinji reached out and touched Asuka's cheek. "I can't."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"Please..." Asuka wiped a tear out of her eye. "Please, tell me."

"I can't and won't... I won't ruin this." Shinji reached out toward Asuka, but she stepped back from him. "Just let it go and be happy with the fact that I love you."

"You coward. Saying you love me like this..." Asuka gritted her teeth and pulled back her hand out of instinct.

Shinji didn't move. "Slap me if it'll make you feel better."

Rei took a step forward, but Misato restrained her. "Let them handle this by themselves."

Asuka hesitated. "Just tell me why you can't express your love to me."

"I can't."

Asuka's hand slapped across Shinji's face. "Coward."

"Yes, I am," Shinji said holding his cheek. "I'm afraid to lose you if I open my heart further to you."

Asuka clenched and unclenched her fists. "What do you mean?" Shinji remained silent. "Tell me!"

"I'm not sure you're really here," Shinji finally admitted.

"Huh?"

"I'm afraid if I get closer to you or try to act on my feelings, you'll disappear from the theater."

"What are you? Stupid?"

Shinji shook his head. "Please drop it, Asuka," he pleaded, knowing she wouldn't.

"What could be so bad that it would be worse that this hellish theater we've called home for the past untold millennia?"

"Not spending these untold millennia together." Shinji reached out and touched the side of Asuka's head. "I was always afraid you'd disappear if you found out."

"Found out what?" Asuka asked, as she closed her eyes and relished the feel of Shinji's hand on her face.

"That you died in Unit Two fighting the Production Evas."

Asuka eyes snapped open. "Huh?"

Shinji gazed into her eyes. "I remember holding your corpse in my arms."

"But... but..." Asuka shook her head. "I was alive when you pulled me out of Unit Two..." She frowned. "Wasn't I?"

"I remember that too... but I also remember it differently."

Asuka laughed nervously. "You're just confused." She reached up and took Shinji's hand and put it over her left breast. For once, without wanting sexual gratification from Shinji. "My heart is beating, so I'm alive. Right?"

Shinji wished he felt as hopeful as the tone in Asuka's voice wanted him to be. "Your heart is beating, but I'm not sure if that's because you're alive or just because I want it to keep beating."

Asuka pulled away from Shinji, her body shaking. "No... no...

no..."

"I'm sorry... but I think it's the truth. At first the memory of your smiling face looking up from the hatch of the entry plug was clear in my mind, but..."

"NO!" Asuka screamed and dropped to the floor, slapping her hands over her ears ands shutting her eyes shut. "No... no... no..."

Shinji knelt down in front of Asuka. "Listen to me, Asuka."

"Get away from me!" Asuka screamed. "I'm alive and nothing you say will change that!"

"I know." Shinji wrapped his arms around Asuka's body. "I think the only reason you're here with me now is because I love you."

"Then..." Asuka sobbed, her eyes still clutched shut tight. "Then why can't you express your love for me?"

"I was afraid."

Asuka Opened her tear filled eyes. "Afraid?"

"Afraid I'd lose you," Shinji said as he wiped the tears out of her eyes. "So I resisted getting closer than we were before Third Impact.

I'm not sure if it was for fear of feeling worse if I did lose you or that changing our relationship would somehow cause you to disappear."

"Wha... wha... what an idiot!" Asuka snapped, surprising Shinji a bit. "If you're afraid to love someone, you've already lost them."

"I know that now."

"And it's only taken you how many millennia to figure it out?"

Asuka said, a lovely smile appearing on her face.

Lovely to Shinji at least. "Too many and at the same time, I wouldn't have traded them for anything." He leaned in and gave Asuka a peck on her lips. "Remember that I love you, no matter what."

"Why do I believe you?" Asuka asked, unable to look away from Shinji's eyes.

"Because you've always wanted to hear me say that."

"But is it true?"

"It's true." Either to prove it or because he wanted to get some long overdue loving from Asuka, Shinji pulled her against his naked chest and gave her a long, sensuous kiss. He had to wrap his arms around her and hold on tight to support her when her legs went limp from the sensation.

Asuka looked dazed when his lips finally parted from his. "So...

now what?"

Shinji gulped. "I don't know. We'll all be together if... no WHEN this latest world works out."

"We're still together," Asuka remarked, somewhat confused at Shinji's tone of voice.

A tear dripped down Shinji's cheek. "Not for long..." He could already see the theater walls through Asuka's translucent body.

"I'm not going anywhere," Asuka insisted reaching out for Shinji.

That was when she noticed that she could see through her own hand.

"Wha..."

"I'm sorry." Shinji couldn't look her in her eyes. "I thought that this might happen once I really accepted that your were dead and told you... I'm sorry. Remember that I love you."

Asuka wasn't paying much attention to Shinji, she was frantically checking out her body as it slowly faded from view. "What's going on?!"

Shinji took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Asuka's fading body. "I'm sorry, this was what I was afraid of..."

"You idiot, then why did you tell me?" Asuka whispered instead of yelling and smacking Shinji like she would normally be inclined to do.

"Maybe I shouldn't have."

For the first time in her life, Asuka felt calm inside. "No, that's okay." She sighed and put her head onto Shinji's shoulder. "That's okay."

Shinji just held onto the woman in his arms, wanting to savor the sensation of holding her for as long as he could, dreading the moment when he could no longer feel her in his grip.

But that time came all to soon.

"No, not yet! Come back, Asuka!" Shinji cried out as he wrapped his arms around himself and started to shake. "Come back..."

A single tear splashed across the oak floor. It was quickly followed by many more as Shinji realized he had let her go. Finally let her go.

* * *

Shinji according to Asuka: A boy who wouldn't love me until it was too late. Or was I a girl who wouldn't let him love me until it was too late?

Asuka according to Shinji: I killed her. Maybe not with my own hands or even with my Eva's hands, but when it came to being a man I was only a boy. I love you, Asuka.

* * *

"It's always too soon to lose someone you love."

Some time later, Shinji looked up and saw his mother towering over him. "Are you real or are you a ghost like Asuka?"

"Both," Yui said simply without explanation.

"Huh?"

Yui didn't respond.

When it was obvious that Yui wasn't going to explain that, Shinji asked a different question. "So where is Asuka now?"

Yui looked over at Rei. "Her soul is with the others waiting for your new world."

Rei flinched. "She's in me?" She looked down at her flat stomach.

"She's in my uterus along with the souls of all the other humans who were on Earth during Third Impact?"

Yui nodded. "Yes."

Rei found it oddly comforting to know her former theatermate was still with her.

Yui continued. "While Shinji still held onto the belief that Asuka had survived in Unit Two, her soul was trapped here in this theater my son created."

"Trapped..." Shinji muttered.

Yui looked at Shinji. "It's better this way. When you finally build your perfect world, Asuka can be reborn in it."

Shinji looked at the viewpoint. "That's my perfect world. A world free of the pain of the past."

"You would sacrifice thousands of years of human history and evolution to start with a clean slate?"

"If people can be happy, yes."

Rei looked closely at the viewpoint. "Well, Asuka looks like she is happy there on top of Shinji." She tilted her head.

Yui decided not to comment on the position Shinji and Asuka were frozen in on the viewpoint. "Shinji, while that world may seem like paradise now, without civilization..."

"Without wars... without suffering..."

Yui decided not to get into that argument again with Shinji. "It's your choice, but remember that even with its bad parts, human history has given us great works of art, an unique multi-cultural world, and, above all, green M&Ms."

Shinji nodded. "I understand."

"Do you?"

Shinji nodded again and stood up. "I do." He looked at the viewpoint and prepared to enter his trance.

"Shinji?"

Shinji gulped loudly. "I'm in my trace."

"Shinji, am I dead too?"

Shinji knew that Misato would eventually ask that, but he also knew that she wouldn't like the answer. He didn't like the answer either.

Misato walked in front of Shinji and raised his chin with her hand so she could look him in the eye. "Am I dead too?" she repeated her question.

"No, don't be silly. I dragged you into Unit One with me, remember?"

Misato thought for a moment before replaying. "Yes, but Asuka also remembered you pulling her out of Unit Two alive."

Shinji didn't answer.

Verbally that is.

But Misato could tell by how he was avoiding the question. "It's okay, Shinji. I'm a big girl and I can accept my death."

"But I can't."

Misato smiled and wrapped her arms around Shinji. "It's not right to dwell on the past and the dead, isn't that what your clean slate world is all about?"

Shinji soaked in the warmth of Misato's body. "Yes, but..."

"Shinji, it's time we said goodbye."

The tears reappeared in Shinji's eyes. "No!"

Misato stroked Shinji's hair. "Shhhh... it's all right. You didn't want to let go of me and for that I'm thankful. This theater of yours was fun, but it can't last."

"Yes, it can..." Shinji said, then added with more hope that conviction, "I know it can!"

"Maybe, but it's not real. I'm not real."

"You're real to me."

Misato smiled and slipped backwards so she could look Shinji in the eyes again. "I'll always be in your heart." She put her hand over the left side of his chest.

"If you were only fourteen."

Misato smiled. "I was a geeky little girl when I was fourteen, nothing like I am now." She picked up Shinji's right hand and placed it over her left breast. "You'll be in my heart as well."

"I love you."

Misato smiled and leaned down. Instead of giving him a kiss on his lips, she kissed his forehead, much like a mother would. "I love you too."

"What about all that other adult stuff you promised we'd do later?"

Misato thought back to her last real conversation with Shinji before she died, the memory of which was slowly replacing the false memory that had been in her thoughts until then. "Yes, well..." She looked over at Rei. "I think Rei can handle that."

Shinji looked over at Rei, who was shaking slightly and tearing up.

"Rei?"

"Mom, I don't want you to go..." Rei said between sobs.

Misato smiled and held her hand out to Rei. "Me either, but sometimes a mother has to leave her children-" She glanced back at Shinji as she said this. "-so they can live their lives to the fullest.

I am sorry to leave you both, but I know my time has come."

"But..." Rei slowly walked over and took Misato's waiting hand.

Immediately she was drawn into a hug with her mother and Shinji.

"Mommy..."

"Shhhh... don't cry little ones. I'm only going to rest for a little while until Shinji's perfect world is ready."

"Misato..." Shinji said softly as noticed her skin grow pale. "We can't part like this."

"What are you? Stupid?!"

Shinji flinched and looked around for the angry redhead that usually accompanied that voice. But he just saw the same theater that he had always seen along with his mother and the two women he was hugging.

"Asuka?" He looked back at Rei and Misato. "Did you hear that?"

"I didn't hear anything," Rei said, looking around.

Misato shook her head. "We should have parted long ago, I think it's time you moved on with your afterlife."

Shinji knew she was right, but didn't respond. He just held Misato and Rei until he held only Rei in his arms. "Goodbye." His tears splashed against Rei's back, and hers his.

* * *

Shinji according to Misato: A boy who became a man in front of my eyes.

Our time together was too short.

Misato according to Shinji: She died for me. I didn't ask her to sacrifice her precious life for mine, but she still gave her precious life for my worthless one. I love you, Misato.

* * *

Shinji lay on the theater floor and stared at the ceiling. "I'm bored."

"You could see what's up in your latest perfect world," Yui suggested from across the theater where she was wallpapering the walls.

The pattern she had picked out depicted little severed Gendou heads with blood splattered all around. Living in the theater tends to draw out grudges. Time may heal all wounds, but time is a fleeting thing in the theater since the occupants aren't always aware of its passing.

"I don't feel like it."

"You could have sex with your little girlfriend."

Shinji's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Given the circumstances, it's probably your best chance to knock her up and find out the true horrors of parenthood."

Shinji turned his head and looked at Rei, who was sleeping in one of the corners. "Rei's going to give birth to the whole world, I think that's enough for one lifetime."

Yui sighed as she put up another piece of wallpaper. "Are you sure you're not just afraid to get closer to her now that she's the only eligible woman in the theater?"

Shinji closed his eyes, having grown sick of the ceiling.

"Probably."

"What do you mean?" Yui asked as she put up yet another bloody-Gendou-head covered piece of wallpaper.

"I think I hurt Rei by expressing my love for Asuka and Misato like that."

Yui smiled. 'You probably did."

Shinji opened his eyes and looked over at her. "Gee, thanks for the reassurance."

Yui chuckled. "Shinji, love is a painful path. As you've already seen, love has many destinations and each of those women were one possible destinations on your highway of love." She straightened a seam.

"While your path could have led you to any of them in the end, only by experiencing the pain on the path itself could you arrive at the destination."

"Rei."

Yui nodded. "If you had never met Asuka or Misato and lived in sin with them, could you have arrived at this point and fallen in love with Rei?"

"No... I guess not."

"Remember, the path you took to get here to this theater and fall in love with Rei wouldn't have been possible without the people around you and the paths their lives took."

"I know..."

"Would you throw all those life paths away and start over with your Garden of EVA?" Yui asked, referring to Shinji's latest paradise.

"Like the paths you took that caused the end of the world with Third Impact?" Shinji asked accusingly.

Yui shrugged off the end of the human race as we knew it.

"Whatever, we did what we thought was necessary to ensure the next evolutionary phase of humanity."

"And if you did nothing?"

"Someone else may have found Adam and really messed it up."

Shinji tried to figure out how things could get worse than they already were, but got a headache. Then a thought struck him. "And if no one found Adam, what then?"

"The world would eventually stagnate and the human race would probably die out in time."

Shinji smirked. "So if I based the new world on the last, it'd just be the same."

Yui opened her mouth, but paused as if stumped. "Well... um... you have to fix the problems and revitalize our world. Starting from scratch is a cop out."

Shinji smiled. "So what? I'll cop out if I want to."

Yui sighed. "Always taking the easy way out, just like that idiot husband of mine. He couldn't destroy the world on the salary he earned working at McDonald's, so he tricked Bill Gates into financing Gehern.

He couldn't recombine recombinant DNA, so he married me. He couldn't get it up, so he almost O. on Viagra. The list is endless..."

"I'm not my father!" Shinji blurted.

"Of course you're not dear," Yui consoled Shinji, glancing at his groin. "Not even close to him."

Fortunately, Shinji didn't notice where Yui was looking, or the hungry look she gave him, or the drool that dribbled down her chin.

Even more fortunately, this story will not become a story of incest.

Um... at least not between a mother and a son.

And definitely not in this part.

Shinji looked over at the frozen viewpoint. "Well, might was well finish proofing that world so we can finish up Third Impact and all that."

Yui shook her head sadly. "You really need to take your responsibility more seriously."

Shinji shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, probably."

Yui put her hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Do you miss the other girls?"

Shinji nodded.

"Well, after spending so many millennia with them in here, that's to be expected." Yui gestured to the bloody-Gendou covered walls.

"That's why I redecorated, to give you a change of pace in here."

Shinji looked at the wallpaper and sighed. "Yeah, thanks, that's a great help." He rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, young man."

"Sorry..." Once again, Shinji turned toward the viewpoint and prepared to enter his trance. That's when he noticed something was missing from the theater. And he wasn't thinking about the fine wooden walls that were now covered in tacky wallpaper. "Where's Rei?"

Yui looked around and looked surprised when she didn't see the blue-haired girl. "I don't know. Maybe she left like the others did?"

she suggested.

"No!" Shinji snapped and frantically started to run around. "Rei!"

"She was probably depressed by the fact that you told the other two women that you loved them," Yui started to theorize, scratching her chin.

"Rei!" Shinji yelled as he ran from corner to corner, desperately looking for his lost lover. Or half lover, since only half of him had actually scored with Rei. Or half of Rei, depending on how you look at it. Or, since the original Rei in the theater was actually four Reis in one, that might be a quarter of Rei who got screwed by half of a Shinji.

Or, if you...

Yui cut off the author's ramblings with more of her own rambling.

"If she grew very depressed at the thought of you loving someone else, her ego border might have collapsed to the point it couldn't contain her multi-matrix soul, which was already stretched to the breaking point by containing the memories of the other Rei." She scrunched up her face as another thought occurred to her. "Actually, she has memories from at least four Reis, so her brain might have just exploded under the pressure."

"Rei!"

"Now if her brain exploded, that could have released the souls she's carrying in her womb and caused a inverse soul-black-hole that consumed her and the souls, effectively ending the human race's chance to be reborn. Or it could have been a fluke temporal anomaly by another Rei coming back from Fourth or Fifth Impact and causing a warp implosion that destroyed the Enterprise or flung it back in time thirteen seconds.

Or maybe..."

"Rei!"

"Shinji?" a muffled voice replied.

Shinji and Yui looked at the source of the voice and gasped.

Yui gulped and looked a bit embarrassed. "Or I might have accidentally wallpapered over her."

Shinji ran towards the wrinkled bump on the wall and tore off a piece of the wallpaper. "Rei!" he shouted as her perky breasts were revealed.

"Shinji, it's so dark!"

Another piece of wallpaper was pulled off, revealing her blue bush.

Not to mention her pink vaginal folds, but I won't mention those.

Several more rips later, Rei fell into Shinji's arms. "What happened?"

Shinji finished picking off some bits of wallpaper that were still stuck to Rei's skin. "Um.. well..." He looked at Yui.

"Sorry about that..." Yui said, looking around at the wallpapered theater. "I was doing a little redecorating and must have missed seeing you there."

"Oh... I dozed off against one of the walls, I guess." Rei looked around and saw the little severed Gendou heads on the wallpaper. "I don't like the pattern." She grinned.

Shinji smiled. "I love your smile." He leaned down and gave her a long kiss. When it ended, he apologized. "I'm sorry if I upset you when I told Asuka and Misato I loved them."

"That's okay." She lowered her head, causing some of her hair to fall over he eyes.

Shinji could tell she was still troubled by the look in her eyes when he brushed her hair away. "Rei, whatever else has happened and will happen, I love you; now and forever."

Rei burst out laughing. "That's so corny."

Shinji shrugged. "Yeah, but it's the truth."

Rei melted into Shinji's embrace. "I love you too."

Shinji's lips met Rei's once again and they shared a private moment.

Well, private except for Yui standing nearby and watching their every move, that is. When something suddenly came up, she turned away.

"Well, I'll just leave you two alone." She started walking away.

As he slid on top of Rei, Shinji pressed against the half wallpapered wall. Oblivious to the loud cracking sound that rang out, Shinji pressed his body against Rei's. Their lips touched again, sending waves of excitement through their young bodies.

Rei moaned as Shinji's hand slid seductively up the side of her body, pausing at all the right spots to make her moan louder. Relying on the memories of the Shinji who had actually done it before, Shinji slipped his mighty oak into her waiting forest with a mighty wall-shattering thrust.

And then the wall collapsed behind them, covering them with dust and splinters.

Coughing, Shinji wiped the debris off Rei and looked up. "What happened?" He gasped when he saw the wall of the theater had fallen down and noticed the wooden supports sticking out of the back of it. It looked exactly like the false walls that you would find on a movie set.

"Wha..."

"Oh my..." Yui said as she walked back over.

Shinji looked back at Yui. "Mom, what's going on?"

Yui shook her head. "I'm not your mother, I'm his mother." She pointed behind Shinji.

Following her gesture, Rei and Shinji looked through the settling dust and saw themselves floating on a sea of LCL.

Ironically, the other naked Shinji and Rei were in a similar position as the Shinji and Rei in the theater were.

Except Rei was on top.


	29. God Blows His Nose!

Garden of Eva 2:666 - God Blows His Nose!

* * *

Shinji ran towards the wrinkled bump on the wall and tore off a piece of the wallpaper. "Rei!" he shouted as her perky breasts were revealed.

"Shinji, it's so dark!"

Another piece of wallpaper was pulled off, revealing her blue bush.

Not to mention her pink vaginal folds, but I won't mention those.

Several more rips later, Rei fell into Shinji's arms. "What happened?"

Shinji finished picking off some bits of wallpaper that were still stuck to Rei's skin. "Um.. well..." He looked at Yui.

"Sorry about that..." Yui said, looking around at the wallpapered theater. "I was doing a little redecorating and must have missed seeing you there."

"Oh... I dozed off against one of the walls, I guess." Rei looked around and saw the little severed Gendou heads on the wallpaper. "I don't like the pattern." She grinned.

Shinji smiled. "I love your smile." He leaned down and gave her a long kiss. When it ended, he apologized. "I'm sorry if I upset you when I told Asuka and Misato that I loved them."

"That's okay." She lowered her head, causing some of her hair to fall over her eyes.

Shinji could tell she was still troubled by the look in her eyes when he brushed her hair away. "Rei, whatever else has happened and will happen, I love you; now and forever."

Rei burst out laughing. "That's so corny."

Shinji shrugged. "Yeah, but it's the truth."

Rei melted into Shinji's embrace. "I love you too."

Shinji's lips met Rei's once again and they shared a private moment.

Well, private except for Yui standing nearby and watching their every move, that is. When something suddenly came up, she turned away.

"Well, I'll just leave you two alone." She started walking away.

As he slid on top of Rei, Shinji pressed against the half-wallpapered wall. Oblivious to the loud cracking sound that rang out, Shinji pressed his body against Rei's. Their lips touched again, sending waves of excitement through their young bodies.

Rei moaned as Shinji's hand slid seductively up the side of her body, pausing at all the right spots to make her moan louder. Relying on the memories of the Shinji who had actually done it before, Shinji slipped his mighty oak into her waiting forest with a mighty wall-shattering thrust.

And then the wall collapsed behind them, covering them with dust and splinters.

Coughing, Shinji wiped the debris off Rei and looked up. "What happened?" He gasped when he saw the wall of the theater had fallen down and noticed the wooden supports sticking out of the back of it. It looked exactly like the false walls that you would find on a movie set.

"Wha..."

"Oh my..." Yui said as she walked back over.

Shinji looked back at Yui. "Mom, what's going on?"

Yui shook her head. "I'm not your mother, I'm his mother." She pointed behind Shinji.

Following her gesture, Rei and Shinji looked through the settling dust and saw themselves floating on a sea of LCL.

Ironically, the other naked Shinji and Rei were in a similar position as the Shinji and Rei in the theater were.

Except Rei was on top.

"What the..." the Shinji on top gasped.

"What the hell did you do to my wall!" the Shinji on the bottom yelled.

"Wall?" Shinji repeated as the remaining walls began to spin around him.

Mostly since they started to fall down, one after the other in a thunderous crashing orgy of destruction.

"Shinji, who is that on top of you?" the Rei on the bottom asked the Shinji on the bottom.

"This is Rei."

"The third Rei, actually," the Rei on top clarified in a monotone voice.

The Rei on the bottom frowned. "But I'm the third... plus another Rei from world six-six-six."

The Rei on top shook her head, causing her breasts to shimmy. "No, you're not."

"Am too!" the Rei on the bottom insisted.

"You're just part of a world that Shinji here-" The Rei on top indicated the Shinji she was on top of. "-made when he went insane after Third Impact."

The Rei on the bottom gasped. "So... I'm not..." She looked up at the Shinji who still had his manhood thrust deep into her. "WE'RE not the real Shinji and Rei?" Then she remembered something. "Not even half of them?"

The Rei on top of Shinji shook her head, causing her hips to wiggle. "No, Shinji was so distraught that Misato and Asuka had died, that at the moment of Third Impact his mind snapped and he created a false world where he could be walled off from the real world with the three women he loved more than life itself."

"This can't be true..." the Shinji on top of Rei with his mighty oak thrust deep into Rei's wet forest said.

"It is," the other Rei and Shinji said together.

"I couldn't face the reality of my old world and escaped into a fantasy world," the Shinji on the bottom with his penis pressed against Rei's vagina explained.

The Shinji on top shook his head and scanned what remained of the theater, which was broken wood panels and the cheerful ceiling he had painted with Rei. "No... this was no fantasy world. It was like hell itself!"

"Only because you made it hell."

The Shinji on top gasped and stared at his other self. "What?!"

"You had all the time in the world with the three women you loved more than life itself and what did you do?" The Shinji on the bottom shook his head sadly. "You decided to make other worlds."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Love them."

Shinji opened his mouth to reply, but shut it when he realized that he was right. "I had a chance to love them and I ran away, didn't I?"

The Shinji on the bottom nodded.

"And in the end when I could open my heart to them and tell them that I loved them, I lost them?"

The Shinji on the bottom nodded.

"Then why didn't you scrap the theater and do something else?"

"It was easier for me to let you do all the work of making a new world, that's why."

The Shinji on top grew angry. "Why you lazy bastard!"

The Shinji on the bottom shrugged his shoulders. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"That's probably why you're on the bottom, too, you lazy sex partner!" the Shinji on top spat, but was prevented from expounding on that when his mother-make that the other Shinji's mother-put her hand on his shoulder.

"Shinji, my son was only doing what his genes told him to do; just like his father he let someone else do the dirty work."

"I'm not like my father!" both Shinjis insisted.

Yui sighed. "So much alike."

The Shinji on top looked at Yui. "So you're not really my mother?"

Yui shook her head. "I never really said I was."

"You should have told me!"

"I thought about it, but you seemed so happy to see me I didn't have the heart." Yui rubbed Shinji's face.

Despite himself, the Shinji on top enjoyed the warmth of the woman who he had thought to be his mother.

"So I'm not really carrying the souls of humanity and Misato's not really my mother and..."

Yui shook her head. "No, all that was true. Of course, they actually pertain to the third Rei over there." She nodded towards the Rei on top.

"That would make me the fourth then..." the Rei on the bottom said, rubbing her stomach. She suddenly felt empty inside and started to wonder what her purpose was if she wasn't carrying the souls of humanity any longer.

"Don't worry, Four-" the Rei on top said. "-you're carrying the souls."

The Rei on the bottom looked confused. "Huh?"

"I didn't want stretch marks, so I let you carry them."

A part of the Rei on the bottom was elated. The other part wanted to ream the other Rei a new one.

The Shinji on top looked between all the other people in the theater... make that in the sea of LCL with bits of the theater floating in it. "So what do we do now?"

Yui smiled. "You could start by taking your cock out of that girl's pussy."

Shinji gulped and started to withdraw.

The Rei on the bottom moaned. It wasn't clear if the moan was from disappointment or ecstasy.

Probably a bit of both.

* * *

A pair of Shinjis and a pair of Reis sat cross-legged on a large chunk of the theater floor that floated on the sea of LCL. The collection of floorboards had torn free of the large concrete pilings that had once supported the theater and was just one of the large chunks of theater that now littered the sea of LCL since the walls had collapsed when Shinji had started to bang Rei and banged the wall instead.

So for several centuries, they stared at each other from the corners of the square they formed on the floating floorboards until Yui floated over to the four of them, her white robes fluttering like an angel as she touched down. Her graceful landing was spoiled when her added weight cased the floorboards to tip and send its occupants rolling into the sea of LCL.

One of the Shinji's was the first to surface. He looked around for the others and the theater floor. "Crap!' he spat when he saw Rei sinking into the LCL, a strange contented look on her face.

Shinji took a deep breath and dove under the LCL. He swam through the thick liquid towards the sinking Rei. Just as his air was running out, he grabbed her hand and started to rise towards the surface as fast as he could.

Gasping for breath as he surfaced, Shinji pulled Rei out of the LCL and swam over the floating floorboards with one hand. Pulling Rei-who still had the same contented look on her face-up onto the floor, he coughed few times and then looked at Rei. "Shit!" he swore when he noticed she wasn't breathing.

Instinctively, he opened her mouth and pressed his own over hers.

Blowing several deep breaths into her lungs, he puled back and compressed the center of her chest several times, her perky breasts bouncing with each push. "Come on, Rei, breathe! I'm not going to lose you after all we've been through."

"Hey, dummy, we can breathe the LCL."

Shinji looked at the source of the voice and saw his own head rising from the LCL. "Then why..." He looked down at Rei.

Rei opened her eyes and spoke. "I just wanted to know what a kiss felt like."

"Rei!" Shinji shouted in joy and smothered Rei with wet kisses. It wasn't until Rei's face was covered with slobber that her words sunk into Shinji's mind. "Wait... you're not my Rei, are you?"

Rei shook he head. "No, but it was a most interesting experience to be slobbered on by you."

Shinji stopped slobbering on Rei and looked around frantically for his Rei. His jaw dropped over when he saw her doing the backstroke in the LCL. "Rei?"

Rei smiled and started to head over to the floating floorboard.

"This stuff is great to swim in."

Shinji laughed.

"Um... can you get off me now?"

Shinji looked down and realized he had his left hand on Rei's breast. "Oops... sorry..." He slid his hand off her breast and looked towards the other Rei.

"That's okay, it was a most simulating experience." Rei tilted her head. "Is that what they call the breaststroke?"

Shinji's eyebrow rose as he remembered how his Rei used to be when they first appeared in the theater. This other Rei and Shinji haven't changed at all over the millennia the rest of us spent in the theater, he thought as he carefully helped Rei up onto the floorboards.

Yui smiled apologetically from the other side of the floorboards.

"Sorry about that."

Rei looked up at Yui as she squeezed some LCL out of her hair. "Why do you think we were sitting apart like that? It was to balance the floorboards."

"I thought you were just having a long talk about what to do," Yui remarked.

One of the Shinji's sighed. "We tried, but all we could agree on was that we should call me and Rei Shinji-prime and Rei-prime to avoid confusion between the real us and these fakes." He pointed at the other Shinji and Rei.

"I'd really wish you'd stop calling us fakes!" Shinji insisted.

Shinji-prime sighed. "Yeah... yeah... how about 'reality challenged'?"

Shinji slid towards Shinji-prime, but stopped when the floor started to tilt. "Just be glad this floor is so unstable or I'd show you what I think of that suggestion." He hit his hand with his fist.

Shinji-prime laughed. "Oh, I'm shaking in my boots," he said, ignoring the fact that he wasn't wearing boots. Or anything else, for that matter.

For some unknown reason, Rei-prime chose that moment to look down at her chest and then at the other Rei's chest. "My breasts are smaller than hers."

"No they're not," Shinji-prime said, unconsciously covering his lap.

"Shinji-prime's penis is smaller than my Shinji's too," Rei said, reaching over carefully and squeezing her Shinji's penis.

"That's not important right now!" Shinji-prime insisted, blushing and looking away.

"Fascinating," Rei-prime said as she forced Shinji-prime's hand away from penis-prime and examined his member. "Apparently, when he created the theater he unconsciously made his penis and my breasts bigger."

The other Rei laughed. "Yeah, my Shinji did the same thing in the worlds he created." She looked hungrily at Shinji. "In fact, since this is the body of Shinji from world six-six-six, it's even bigger than the Shinji that Shinji-prime made."

"Fascinating." Rei tilted her head. "Why do men fixate on the size of their penises and women's breasts so much?"

"They're all sex crazed perverts, that's why," Rei answered. "But sometimes you find one that makes it worth putting up with their perversions." She winked. "And you can even use those perversions to great effect sometimes."

Rei-prime seemed to consider this for a moment. "You are quite peculiar."

"You stick with me, girl, and these two Shinjis will be drooling over us in no time."

Rei-prime tilted her head. "And that's a good thing?"

Rei smiled broadly. "It can be, if done right."

"Fascinating."

While the combo-Rei brought Rei-prime up to speed on the finer points of men, sex, and everything else, the two Shinjis glared at each other.

"I don't care, I think it was a good solution!" Shinji snapped, glancing at the frozen viewpoint that hovered at the spot where the theater used to stand.

Shinji-prime shook his head. "Wiping out the history of Mankind just to get Rei, Asuka, Hikari, Misato, and that nameless chick in the back of the schoolroom as your sex slaves is not a good solution!"

"Hey! Hikari is part of Touji and Kensuke's harmonious clan and Misato has her own as well!" Shinji insisted.

Shinji-prime scratched his head. "Really?" Shinji nodded. "Well, I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway... that was a real lame world."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Look, you little boy, at least *I* tried to make a perfect world."

"Shut up!"

"What did you do? You just made some lame theater and then left it up to me to make a new world for humanity."

"That's no way for you to talk about your creator!"

"Oh, shove it!" Shinji snapped and chanced sliding a bit closer to Shinji-prime. "I'm not only the creator of over six hundred worlds, I'm both the created and creator in one." He tapped his head that held his merged brain.

"Yeah, I enjoyed that bit." Shinji-prime laughed. "Watching you fall off the Tokyo tower and spattering across the floor of the theater.

If my mom hadn't been bored and put you back together again, where would you be now?"

"Well, I'm very thankful she put me back together and then merged our brains, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take any crap from you, dickhead!"

Shinji-prime inched his way towards Shinji, making sure not to rock the floorboards. "Take that back, buttwad!"

"In your dreams, pencildick!"

"Asshole!"

"Mother-fucker!"

"I never fucked my mother!"

"You did in world five-twenty-eight.

"That wasn't me, that was one of the fucked up worlds you made!"

"Well, you made me, so you're responsible for everything I did, dipshit!"

"Don't push your failures off on me, asshole!"

"Don't call me asshole, you asshole."

"Don't call me asshole, goo-for-brains."

Having gotten within hitting distance of Shinji-prime, Shinji pulled back his arm and aimed towards his own face.

Before he could swing, Rei walked casually over and grabbed his arm. Amazingly, she managed to walk casually, but still avoid tipping the floorboards over. "Shinji, come with me."

"Why?" Shinji asked, still glaring at his other self.

"I want you to fuck me."

Shinji gulped and looked at Rei. He glanced back at Shinji-prime and considered if he wanted to fight himself or have mad, passionate sex with Rei.

"Hey!" Shinji-prime shouted as Shinji and Rei raced off to fuck each other, rocking the floorboards in the process. Trying to steady himself, he reached out and grabbed something firm.

"Don't grab me there unless you mean business, mister."

Shinji-prime squeezed the firm breast he had used to steady himself. "Ah... sorry."

"That's okay." Rei titled her head. "While they are busy, want to go fuck?"

"Rei?!" Shinji-prime gasped.

"What?"

Shinji-prime squeezed her breast again. "You're not my Rei, are you?"

Rei shook her head. "Your Rei wanted to find out what sex was like, so I lent her Shinji for a while."

Shinji-prime glared in the direction of the grunting and panting sounds. "Why that bastard!":

Rei grabbed his arm to prevent him from storming off. "It's okay.

Unlike you two Shinjis, I can get along with myself and share my toys."

"Toys?"

Rei's eyes looked down at Shinji-prime's crotch.

Shinji-prime gulped loudly and covered his lap.

"Oh... so you wanna fuck?"

Shinji giggled like a little schoolgirl. "My Rei would never talk like that."

"Probably not." Rei raised one eyebrow. "Well?"

"I don't know..." Shinji-prime looked away awkwardly.

Rei sighed. "Such a boring little boy."

Shinji-prime's eyes widened. "What is it with you girls and that line!"

* * *

One perverted, kinky, and twisted sex scene later, Rei-prime lay on top of Shinji's chest. "Was that it?"

Shinji flinched. "Um... yeah..."

"That other Rei seems to enjoy it so much, but I failed to see the point in all that humping and grinding, not to mention the panting and moaning."

"Um... well... it was your first time."

"Oh, so the second time is better?"

"Probably. The half of me that remembers all sorts of weird events surrounding sex seemed to enjoy it more as time went on."

"What made it better?"

Shinji grinned slightly. "Less interruptions, mostly."

"Oh, so can we do it again then?"

Shinji opened his mouth to answer, but Rei beat him to it.

"Nope, you've had your turn. Go fuck your own Shinji this time,"

Rei said as she tiptoed over on the unsteady floorboards.

Rei-prime looked up at the other Rei. "Oh... okay." Springing to her feet, she did an impressive backwards summersault and landed behind Rei, only causing the floorboards to shift slightly in the process.

"Damn, if she can do that why couldn't she..." Shinji trailed off as he noticed Rei glaring at him. "Hi, honey." He smiled like only a boyfriend who had just screwed another woman who happens to be virtually identical to his girlfriend could.

"I only lent you to her that one time, so I hope you're ready to rock my world."

"Um... sure."

Rei looked down at the obviously spent Shinji and smiled. "Or we can just cuddle here for a little while." She slid down on top of Shinji and wiggled into a comfortable position.

Shinji sighed in appreciation and wrapped his arms around Rei.

Within moments, the couple blissfully fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

Rei screamed as her abdominal muscles contracted, causing her to push out of instinct.

Shinji knelt by her side and looked on worriedly until he was slapped savagely across the face by one of Rei's flailing arms. Falling sideways, he grunted and rubbed his red face. "Ooo..."

Rei growled again.

Asuka was kneeling between Rei's spread legs and gasped suddenly.

"Buu fuu poo poo!" she exclaimed suddenly, which meant 'That's the biggest turd I've ever seen!'

Rei was sweating furiously and looked down at the redheaded girl.

"Poo poo?" she said, which meant 'Turd?'

Asuka nodded and then said, "Ewwwww..." when a foot long object poured out from Rei's vagina along with a lot of blood.

Rei grunted as the last spasm finished cascading through her exhausted body. "Muu poo poo fuu woo poo poo," she said, which meant 'I never want to lay a turd like that turd again'.

Suddenly, the turd started to cry.

Naturally, this surprised everyone out by the shitting tree that was one tree over from the lesbian's tree because turds didn't normally cry. Well, there is this one Mexican place in Tijuana has some strange sounds coming from their bathrooms, but it's not exactly the turds crying.

"Poo poo coo," Asuka said, prodding the turd with a stick. Roughly translated, that meant 'Your turd is crying'.

"Coo poo poo?" Rei said, straining to see her turd.

Shinji crawled over-out of the range of Rei's arms-and looked closely at the turd. "Hhhhhhh..." he muttered as he wiped the blood off the turd.

Rei and Asuka ewwwww'ed in unison.

"Nuu fuu poo poo, iuuuuuu!" Shinji said as he put his finger in the little turn's mouth. Translated that meant 'It's not a turd, it's a... argh!'. Shinji tried to free his finger from the jaw of the little turd. "Guuu guuu guuu!" he screamed, which meant 'Get it off, get it off!'

Rei reached forward and pulled the turd off Shinji's finger. She was about to toss it into the shit pile with the rest of the shit, but then it started sucking on her breast. "Ewwwww... poo poo suu boo boos," she said, meaning 'Ewwwww... the turd is sucking on my joy bags'.

Asuka prodded the turd with the stick again. "Yuu goo fuu poo poo.

iuu suu puu," she said, which meant 'I don't think it's a turd after all, I think it's a little person'.

Rei frowned and looked at her turd's eyes. As the mother's eyes made contact with the baby's eyes, a strange and unfamiliar warmth passed through Rei and the strain and pain of passing the turd was forgotten. A smile formed on her face and she cradled the turd against her bosom. "Poo poo iuu fuu luu," she said, meaning 'I love my turd'.

* * *

Shinji shook his head as he came out of his trance. "I hope they stop calling it a turd..." he mumbled softly.

"What was that?" Shinji-prime asked.

Not softly enough, apparently.

Shinji flinched and looked over at where his other self sat with a Rei on either side of him. "Um... nothing." He point back at the frozen viewpoint. "See? They are already reproducing in my really-really-I-mean-it-this-time-perfect world."

"Well, that doesn't mean it's really perfect." Shinji-prime looked at the viewpoint. "I mean... they almost threw it in a pile of shit."

Shinji shrugged. "They're learning things by trial and error. You can't expect them to get it perfect on the first try."

Shinji-prime smiled in that smug way that drove the other Shinji bonkers. "But I thought this was your

really-really-I-mean-it-this-time-perfect world?"

Shinji proceeded to wipe Shinji-prime's smile off his face with a combination of right hooks and left jabs.

"Stop beating yourself up, Shinji."

Shinji's latest swing to his own face paused as Yui floated over.

"Okay..." he muttered as he bashed Shinji-prime right between the eyes.

Shinji-prime collapsed and clutched his bloody nose on top of the floorboards, which had been stabilized by tying the floating wooden ark to one of the concrete pilings near the viewpoint.

Shinji walked over to the two Reis and Yui. "But he gets on my nerves, Mom!"

Yui shook her head. "I'm not your mother; I'm the mother of the boy you were beating up."

Shinji sighed. "Sorry, but he won't admit that my really-really-I-mean-it-this-time-perfect world is the best choice for the new human race."

"Just because you can't get your way doesn't mean it's okay to use violence, Shinji," Yui said, putting a motherly hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah..."

"Now... if you can't decide what to do without killing each other, I'll just have to decide."

Shinji's eyes opened wide. "No! You'll make some boring world where there's nothing but prudes and singing Disney characters!"

Yui shook her head. "First, that's an oxymoron, but..."

"I'm not a moron!" To prove it, Shinji shook his head violently around and then showed his ears to Yui. "See? No brain ooze."

Yui sighed. "Anyway, it's not true. I'd never make a world like that." She looked closely at Shinji's penis. Looked VERY closely. "I didn't put the fig leaves back on, did I?"

Growing uncomfortable with his mother-or a close approximation of his mother-kneeling in front of him and staring at his manhood, Shinji stepped back. "Well, that's only because you ran out of leaves!"

Yui flinched as Shinji hit the nail right on the head. "Well...

just because I think people shouldn't run around buck naked like you four are, doesn't mean I can't create a good world too."

Shinji sighed. "I know, but it's my responsibility to do it."

"Actually, it's mine, jerk," Shinji-prime snapped as he wiped some blood of his lip.

Shinji glared at himself. "Not any more! You gave up the responsibility when you let me continue to make worlds in my theater."

"Don't talk to your creator that way, you little... ooooof!" A swift knee to his balls interrupted Shinji-prime's power trip.

Shinji's mouth dropped open as he saw his other self clutch his crotch, crumple to the floor, and writhe around in pain. He looked at Yui. "Why did you do that?"

Yui lowered her knee. "Because he's gotten a little full of himself after he created you, the others, and the theater. Waiting in this vast ocean of LCL with Rei sitting on top of his manhood must have bent his unstable little mind."

"He didn't even put it in me while we waited," Rei-prime complained for some unknown reason.

Yui shook her head. "Great, now we've got three sex-crazed teenagers here."

"I won't lose my virginity until I'm married, honest, Mommy!"

Shinji shook his head. "I can't believe this wimp is me."

"I'm not you, I'm your creator!"

Needless to say, Shinji-prime got another ball kicking. This time from Shinji.

Then Rei and Rei-prime took their turns.

* * *

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Shinji held out a closed fist, while Shinji-prime held out two fingers. "Shit... best five out of nine!" Shinji-prime spat.

* * *

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Shinji held out a flat hand, while Shinji-prime held out a closed fist. "Shit... best fifty out of ninety-nine," Shinji-prime insisted.

* * *

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Shinji held out two fingers, while Shinji-prime held out a flat hand. "Shit... best five hundred million out of nine hundred million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, and nine hundred ninety-nine!"

Shinji-prime pleaded.

Shinji sighed. "No! I'm sick of this. You're just prolonging the inevitable!"

"Nothing is inevitable if you can hide from it long enough!"

Shinji-prime snapped back.

Shinji recoiled from the lame response. "That is so fucking lame!

You have to face life, not hide from it!"

Shinji-prime's eyes narrowed. "Who are you? No creation of mine could be so rational."

Shinji smirked. "I'm not you, you moron! I may have started as your creation, but I have learned and grown into a different person..." He paused. "Two different persons, actually. I've decided to stop running away from life, you should too!"

"Don't act all smug because you've got that extra goo between your ears."

"It's solid now!" Shinji insisted, clenching his fist.

"Stop it now!" Yui yelled as she did a graceful summersault in mid air before landing.

"Showoff..." Shinji muttered.

"Now then... if you two can't decide what to do with the human race, I'll have to decide."

"No!" both Shinjis insisted.

"Well, then maybe I should merge both of your minds?" Yui suggested.

"No!" both Reis insisted and ran over from where they had been...

cleaning themselves. Yes, cleaning. That's the only reason they would have been licking each other, right? There's nothing kinky or sexual happening on the ark. Really.

"You can't merge them!" Rei pleaded. "The readers would have a fit if the author repeated that gory brain surgery sequence!"

"Yeah, plus that would reduce the number of penises on the ark!"

Rei-prime explained.

"Huh?" Shinji gasped.

Rei smirked and exchanged a sly smile with the other Rei, her pupil in love. "And the animals were led onto the ark, two by two." She winked at Shinji.

Shinji laughed heartily, scaring the shit out of Shinji-prime.

Shinji-prime looked up from the fresh pile of shit on the floorboards beneath him. "I wish you wouldn't laugh like that... it's not something I'm used to hearing myself do."

Shinji exhaled deeply. "And that's your problem. You're so wrapped up in the hell that your life was, you can't step back and enjoy your life."

Shinji-prime's lip twitched. "Don't you mean afterlife?"

Shinji shook his head. "No, we didn't die during Third Impact.

Well... you didn't."

"No, but everyone else did..."

"Yes, but they are waiting for us to give them a world to be reborn into."

Shinji-prime looked at Shinji. "Us?"

"I can't do it alone..."

Shinji-prime looked at the frozen viewpoint. "You're that sure that your Garden of Eva is the way to go?"

Shinji nodded.

"But if we release the souls into that one now..."

Shinji nodded. "I know... it's okay."

Shinji-prime silently appraised himself for several moments before speaking again. "You'd give up your life... no... your very existence to make that garden a reality?"

Shinji nodded. "After going though hundreds of alternatives...

failed alternatives... I have no doubt that my garden is the true future for the human race."

Shinji-prime could see that his other self was dead serious and was prepared to trade his existence to ensure the next stage of Humanity. I couldn't do that... could I? Doubts flooded into his mind as he searched his soul for the same answer. All he found were excuses. "And the sum of all human knowledge up to Third Impact that's currently contained within Unit One's core? Does it just disappear forever?"

Shinji frowned. Despite his confidence that his latest world would work out, he did regret erasing all of human history to build that world. Well, except for the four years of terror that followed Second Impact and George W. Bush's election. Historians still couldn't decide which event really did more long term damage to the world. Of course, those historians were now reduced to LCL and their souls were inside Rei, so the point was probably moot as far as they were concerned.

Shinji finally made his decision and was just about to wipe out the history of the world when he remembered that he would also be destroying all the music of his favorite singer. He sighed as he remembered all the classic music he had heard since he was just a baby and continually played and replayed in his portable tape player as his world sucked and blew around him. "Well... maybe we can preserve the history somehow."

Shinji-prime smiled. "Good, I'd hate to think that all those classic Britney Spears songs would be gone for good."

Shinji smiled back and nodded his agreement.

* * *

At the end of one world and the beginning of another...

Shinji fucked Rei like there was no tomorrow. Mostly since they knew there was no tomorrow for them.

"Oh, Shinji!"

"Oh, Rei!"

If Asuka was there, she'd have thrown up.

Without being distracted by a vomit spewing redhead, Rei and Shinji reached orgasm together, collapsing into each other's arms and holding on for the rest of their time together.

"Nope, that didn't work."

Shinji and Rei looked up with weary eyes at the three people who had just observed them fuc... making love like two wild hyenas until their brains started to ooze out of their brains. Figuratively, since their brains were now as solid as most people's thick brains. Maybe even thicker.

"Crap... are you sure this is how we have to complete Third Impact and transfer the souls to the Garden of Eva?" Shinji asked Yui, sitting up with Rei still wrapped in his arms.

Yui nodded. "Yes, the love between a man and a woman is the final trigger."

"Maybe he doesn't love me... err... her."

The others all looked at Rei-prime and studied her face to try and determine if there was some deeper meaning behind her slip of the tongue.

There was.

Shinji looked at Shinji-prime and smiled. "Maybe it's not us who have to complete Third Impact."

Shinji-prime gasped and glanced awkwardly at Rei-prime. "Well...

I..."

"I'm willing to give it a try," Rei-prime said softly.

Shinji-prime gulped loudly and looked at Shinji. "You knew this all along, didn't you?"

Shinji blushed. "Well... I..."

Rei smiled and looked behind her at Shinji's smiling face. "You just wanted to make love to me before we vanished forever, didn't you?"

"Well... yeah..."

Rei stretched her neck up and gave Shinji a long kiss.

"But why did you have to have sex with her forty-five times in a row before telling us?" Rei-prime asked, studying the kiss.

Shinji smiled after breaking his lip lock with Rei. "Because it was very enjoyable."

"I see," Rei-prime said, turning towards Shinji-Prime. "Shinji, please fuck me now."

Shinji-prime's loud gulp cracked the concrete pilings and caused the ark to rock as it broke free of its improvised moorings.

* * *

Rei-prime arched her back as Shinji-prime pumped her full of...

LCL. With each thrust, the level of LCL that the ark floated on decreased as it flowed into her waiting womb. How it got from the sea of LCL and into Shinji-prime's testicles to be pumped into Rei-prime's womb is either one of those things that will never be explained or a real gross image involving his asshole.

The reader is free to pick which explanation to envision. But please don't puke in the LCL if you chose the later, because that would be even more disgusting.

Even as her womb filled with the protoplasmic soup known as LCL, her belly was still as flat as it was when Shinji first slipped his rigid member into her.

"Oh... oh... oh..." both Rei's gasped.

Yes, both.

What better way to spend your last precious moments of existence than screwing the one you love?

Yui looked on as her son finally lost his virginity. Most mothers would have probably tried to stop it or give a long boring speech about the birds and the bees. And that is what she would have done if the future of the human race wasn't dependant on two of the four teenagers in front of her fucking each other's brains out. Instead, Yui was looking back and forth between the two couples and comparing their techniques. The Shinji my son made is much better... maybe Gendou wasn't lying when he said practice makes perfect. She sighed. I should have had more sex with him before getting him castrated, I guess. She tilted her head to the left. Gendou could never have done that... She tilted her head to the other side. And he'd have died if he tried that...

Suddenly, every muscle in both Rei's bodies contracted and they screamed in ecstasy as the orgasm to end all orgasms rippled through every fiber of their beings.

Or being.

For one brief and glorious moment, the two Reis... or five Reis depending on how you counted Reis... were one. One mind. One body. One soul.

The two Shinjis were still two. Plus they were in incredible pain as the muscles of the Reis/Rei contracted around their love shafts.

Then the Reis were five again.

Yes... five.

A five-year-old Rei lay on the ark, her little neck twisted in a way that could only be fatal.

A fourteen-year-old Rei... well pieces of her flesh, at least...

was riddled with mutated veins and deformed limbs and organs.

Pieces of a fifteen-year-old Rei were scattered across the ark in the same pattern as they were after she fell from the Tokyo-3 Mega Tower. They were only slightly more recognizable than the mutated Rei's body parts.

The other two Reis were still on the end of the two Shinji's penises.

Except one of them was very obviously pregnant.

Rei screamed as the souls with in her started to combine with the LCL within the other Rei and form Humanity.

Yes, Humanity.

The whole freaking race.

As an inner glow started to consume Rei from the inside out, her stomach stretched to the breaking point and beyond, Without warning, her body blew apart. One would expect-especially long time Garden of Eva readers-a bloody orgy of flesh being torn from bones, but that's not what happened.

Rei's body did burst, but as it did millions and billions of tiny balls of LCL-charged lights flew from her womb, passing through each and every cell of her body.

As the souls of the new humanity started to swirl around them, Shinji looked down at the spot where Rei had just been. For a second, he saw her face staring back at him. It smiled contently before fading from view. "Rei..." he whispered wistfully, still staring at the spot where she had just been.

As the last of the LCL was absorbed into the souls, Yui watched from outside the spinning sphere of souls as they-and the three teenagers within-slowly were funneled into the new world of Humanity; the Garden of Eva.

"And so it all ends... again. And begins... again," Yui said, looking around the empty space that had previously been occupied by the LCL and ruins of the theater. Emptied of he protoplasmic fluid, the distant walls could now be seen. Although various debris were strew against the curved walls, it was now obvious that they had been within a large black sphere.

That sphere had been known as the geofront to the people who had worked in the Tokyo-3 NERV headquarters.

Now only Yui was left to float in the middle of the empty sphere.

After endless hours of starting at the ruins of the theater, the fragments of the NERV headquarters pyramid, Kaji's watermelon plants-which had somehow remained intact through Third Impact and the passing millennia-and other miscellaneous debris, she sighed and looked away.

That was when she saw the single object that floated at the exact center of the sphere.

"How can that still be here?"

* * *

Rei walked slowly through the green pasture, clutching a small baby to her chest. She hummed a tune as it sucked gently on her teat, feasting on her motherly juices.

Shinji and Asuka strolled along next to her, fascinated with the newest addition to their harmonious clan. The unnamed girl who used to sit in the back of the classroom, skipped behind them, picking flowers.

The other boys and girls that called the green paradise home stopped and stared as the mother, father, and their other harmonious clan members walked by.

"Fuu doo doo?" a young Ritsuko asked, looking up from young Maya's lips that she had just been kissing.

The reader may chose which set of lips she was kissing.

In any case, Ritsuko had asked, 'Where did the little person come from?'

Rei smiled and pointed at her vaginal folds. "Duu coo suu vuu."

Ritsuko looked down at Maya's vaginal folds, which were glistening with saliva.

Okay, so I chose for you after all.

"Luu suu doo?" Ritsuko asked, meaning 'Little people come out of there?'

Rei nodded.

"Huu?"

Rei and the rest of her harmonious clan shrugged their shoulders.

Maya had stood up and walked over to Rei and the baby. As she watched the nursing child, something stirred in her. Some instinct that she couldn't quite place. A longing. She looked at Ritsuko. "Muu fuu boo boo zoo," she said, which translated as 'For some reason, I want a little person like that."

Ritsuko understood, she had similar feelings on seeing the mother and child. "Suu wuu fuu boo boo," she said, which meant 'Sure, we'll have a little person of our own'.

Maya smiled broadly and took Ritsuko's outstretched hand. The two of them skipped off together to their all female harmonious clan to make a little person.

As they ran off to attempt the impossible, they passed by a glowing sphere of light made up of billions of swirling lights. Like the others that ran around the green pasture, they didn't even notice it.

Nor did they notice the two balls of light that separated from the mass of glowing lights and shot towards them.

But they did pause as the lights entered their bodies and lit them up like a tacky Christmas display. They seemed momentarily puzzled, but quickly started towards the tree their all-girl harmonious clan called home. They were unchanged, but somehow they seemed more full of life and energy.

* * *

Shinji-prime watched the souls enter Ritsuko and Maya before looking down at Rei-prime, who was still embedded on the end of his penis. "Unless Shinji changed a few facts of biology, they are going to be disappointed when they try to have a baby."

Rei-prime looked over at Shinji, who was sitting cross-legged nearby. "Life isn't always fair."

Shinji-prime nodded. "I don't know if I could have given you up like he did."

Rei-prime smiled.

Shinji looked up from something he held cupped in his hands. "My Rei's not gone..." He tilted his hands so they could see the tiny blue haired embryo he held in his hands, which looked remarkably like the embryonic Adam that Kaji had delivered to Gendou. Only cuter. "She's here and..." He scanned the billions of lights that surrounded them.

"She's all around us. A part of her is in each of these souls that will be reborn into the new Humanity."

Shinji-prime nodded. "Yes... and a part of you will be too."

Shinji sighed. "I don't know... I kind of expected my existence to end when she gave birth to the new human race."

"Humanity needs a mother and father, doesn't it?" Rei asked.

Shinji smiled slightly. "Yes, but Humanity will have to find it's own way now. For better or worse."

"I'm sure it will be alright, you just..." Shinji-prime went silent as a young teenage boy ran by him, just outside the glowing whirlwind of souls. "No!" he screamed and started to shake violently. "He can't be here!"

Shinji looked at the boy Shinji-prime was staring at, the fifth member of Shinji's harmonious clan. "Oh..."

"Oh? OH?!" Shinji-prime snapped. "How can you be so calm about seeing him after what he did to me... you... us?!"

Shinji's response was accompanied by a contented smile. "Because I love him... WE love him."

Shinji-prime recoiled in horror.

"But not in that way..." Shinji winked.

* * *

Hauling a large, roughly hewn satchel over his shoulder, Kaworu bounded up to the rest of his harmonious clan and frowned. "What is that thing chewing on her joy bags?" he asked, not bothering to go through the usual translation process since the author is tired of doing that.

Rei smiled. "It's my little person."

"Where'd you find it?" Kaworu asked, opening up his satchel and showing off the coconuts inside. "I didn't see anything like it on my foraging trip, but I found some more of these things." He looked between his haul and the baby. "But yours looks like it'll be good to eat too."

Rei frowned and instinctively clutched her baby tighter against her chest. "My little person is not for eating."

"Oh... what's it for?" Kaworu asked.

Rei didn't have an answer for that. She just knew that the little person in her arms was hers and needed her protection and nurturing. As she searched for an answer a word popped into her mind. "Love."

"What is love?" Kaworu asked, but no one had answer.

Of course, no one could truly answer that even in the world that preceded the new world. Vague notions of what it was were constantly exchanged between lovers, friends, and family. And occasionally debated on daytime talk shows.

But in the end, no one could truly answer that simple question.

What is love?

The five members of Shinji's harmonious clan didn't dwell on the question for long, they had more pressing matters.

"Ewww... little person pee pee on you!" Asuka exclaimed as a yellow liquid flowed down Rei's stomach.

Rei pulled her little person away from her. "Hmmm..." For some reason, she handed the little person to Shinji. "Here, clean it up like last time."

Even in the new world, the father gets stuck with cleaning up their children's messes.

The more things change...

* * *

Shinji-prime watched the happy five-plus-one-some walk off towards their tree, laughing and passing the little person between them. "They look happy together."

"I know how you feel about Kaworu, but denying his existence by leaving him out of the new world will only lead to pain." Shinji looked around him at the glowing souls. "I tried leaving him out of my last world, but he appeared in it anyway and played the serpent's role." He looked out at the peaceful pasture. "My Garden of Eva will only have a serpent if they evolve the need for one."

Shinji-prime still looked trouble. "But will he betray us again?"

Shinji shook his head. "I don't know, but did he betray us or did we betray ourselves by refusing the love of others around us and putting our trust in him. All because..."

Shinji-prime finished for Shinji. "All because he said the words, while the others wouldn't or couldn't say them."

Shinji nodded.

"Maybe love is more than words," Rei said softly.

The two Shinjis had no reason to disagree.

Or the time to.

Without warning, the spinning souls reversed direction and started to funnel upwards.

"Whaaaa..." Shinji-prime and Rei-prime said and looked up.

"The rest of the souls will wait in the geofront until they are needed," Shinji said as he watched the souls spiral upward towards the black moon that hung in the late afternoon sky. Like the Moon that had given birth to Humanity the first time around and still orbited the Earth opposite the black moon, the new moon would hold the souls for future generations. The Room of Gafs was full once again.

"But aren't they needed?" Rei-prime asked.

"In time, but the new world cannot support billions of people to all at once. And definitely not at the primitive state they are starting out at. So the souls will wait in the new Well of Souls until they are needed."

Shinji-prime nodded his understanding. "The new Children of Eva will have to grow from the small number of harmonious clans that you've spread out across the whole world."

Shinji nodded.

Rei-prime frowned. "Not all of them will survive, will they?"

Shinji gulped. "I don't know. There are no assurances in life, but I have..." He paused, amazed at what he was about to say. "I have faith in the human race's will to survive." And especially amazed that he really meant it.

The three of them silently watched the souls soar into the sky, briefly lighting up the black moon as they sank into its surface. The black moon already bore several impact craters from debris impacting its formerly smooth surface. The debris that were blasted into orbit along with the geofront would slowly transform the black moon into a cratered world not unlike the Earth's first Moon, itself a remnant of First Impact.

Shinji-prime helped Rei-prime to her feet. "I guess it's our turn to leave now."

Rei-prime nodded and looked at Shinji. "Thank you."

Shinji shook his head. "No, I should thank you both for giving me the chance to live."

An uneasy silence followed as the three naked teenagers looked at each other for the last time.

"Well?" Shinji-prime said, breaking the silence.

"Well, what?" Shinji responded.

"Are you going to thank us or not?"

Shinji's jaw dropped.

Shinji-prime smirked. "Gotcha..."

"Damn, I'm a real bastard."

Rei-prime nodded. "Yes, you both are great big bastards."

Both Shinjis looked at Rei for several seconds before laughing.

After the laughter died down, Rei-prime stepped forward and embraced Shinji. "Thank you for making me human."

Shinji closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of Rei. It wasn't the feel of her firm teenage breasts pressed against his scrawny chest that filled him with joy, although it was the reason for his erection. No, the reason for the warmth that spread through him was the love that he felt for Rei, himself, and the rest of Humanity.

And to think, it had only taken the complete destruction of the world and the creation of a new one for Shinji to finally and truly know what love was.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to describe exactly what Shinji was feeling at that moment and convey it to the reader.

So we'll just throw in a lame joke instead.

"Is that a penis pressing into my stomach or are you just horny?"

Shinji smiled and kissed Rei-prime's forehead. "Both."

Rei smiled as she stepped back. And for a moment, she was all the Reis once again, smiling lovingly at Shinji. In the next moment she was just a glowing ball of light.

"Goodbye..." A tear rolled down Shinji's face as he looked towards his other self; his creator and his worse nightmare combined. "Goodbye and thank you."

"I guess I should say something deep and meaningful here."

Shinji nodded.

As the cells in his body started to glow and compress him into a small tennis ball sized ball of light, Shinji-prime said one word.

"Live."

One of Shinji's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Live?" He muttered as the two glowing souls started to spin around him. "My life ends now, but I will live on within you both."

After a minute or so, the two souls stopped revolving around Shinji and shot off towards the retreating figures of Shinji's harmonious clan, passing through Shinji's body on the way.

Shinji gasped as he, Shinji-prime, and Rei-prime were all one for a split second. All three minds mingled, their memories merging into one.

The three people-or four if you count both of the two Shinjis previously merged into one-become one watched the two memory-less souls fly off and enter the Shinji and Rei that called the green pastures of the Garden of Eva home.

The Garden of Eva's Shinji and Rei paused, the rest of their harmonious clan continuing towards their tree. Looking behind themselves, they saw the vague outline of a boy.

Rise, young boy, to the heavens like a legend.

Shinji and Rei followed the rising figure as it soared into the heavens, towards the dark sphere in the sky.

So, boy, stand tall and embrace the fire of the legend, embracing the universe like a blazing star!

Before Shinji and Rei's eyes the figure seemed to wrap its arms around the dark sphere, which exploded with the light of a million suns, spreading its warmth over the pristine Garden of Eva.

Shinji looked at Rei and Rei looked at Shinji. They couldn't describe what they had just seen and they couldn't understand it. But deep inside they felt slightly different, as if they were only then...

alive.

Shinji held out his hand, and smiled as Rei slipped her fingers between his. Taking one last look at the gradually dimming orb in the sky, they turned and ran off towards their harmonious clan, hand in hand.

Ran off towards their future.

And the future of Humanity.

* * *

At the beginning of the new world...

* * *

Shinji floated in space between the black moon with its fresh craters and the crucified remains of Evangelion Unit One, which still orbited the Earth where it had been when Third Impact wiped out the human race and reduced the Earth to a blackened cinder.

But that Earth now teemed with life. Some of the old continents could still be made out, but it was only a passing resemblance. Where wastelands, deserts, and uninhabitable land once stretched for as far as the eye could see, green pastures and lush forests now cascaded over gently rolling hills.

In time, the natural forces would slowly change the world to a precarious balance between life and death once again, but for now Humanity would have a world green with life.

Shinji smiled down on the world he had made. And it was good.

Looking around in the heaven he floated in, his eyes settled on Unit One. What was almost his tomb several times, now would preserve the history and memories of the former human race.

"It's time," he said to himself... or more accurately, the other selves contained within his mind.

"Yes," Shinji-prime's memories replied. Just his memories. His soul was down on Earth along with Rei's soul.

"We will always remember," Rei-prime's memories said as they left Shinji's mind and drifted towards Unit One on a trail of pure thought.

"Be at peace now, Shinji," Shinji-prime's memories thought as they followed Rei-prime's thoughts.

Shinji just watched the thoughts enter Unit One, not that he could actually see them with his eyes. But he knew exactly where they were regardless. Almost the instant they entered, Unit One sprouted wings.

Golden wings of the most delicate feathers.

Wings of an angel.

With a mighty flap. Unit One slipped away from the Earth's gravity and began its eternal voyage through the universe.

"For as long as you travel, the great accomplishments and great failures of the prior human race shall forever be preserved," Shinji whispered, not that there was anyone or anything that could hear him in the vacuum of space.

For several years he watched Unit One slowly move off into the universe, until it vanished from his sight.

Then he wondered... again... why he still existed. "Surely my job is done?!" he screamed to no one and nothing in particular.

"Yes, your job is done."

Shinji spun around, breaking all the laws of physics in being able to do so while hanging in empty space. But then he'd broken all those laws and more already, so why stop now? "Mom?"

Yui smiled, deciding not to argue the point. "Your job is finished now," she said as she floated by Shinji, her robes fluttering even in the windless space they floated together.

Shinji felt relief inside at hearing that, but there was still on nagging issue on his mind. That issue was the fact that he still had a mind to have a nagging issue with. "Why am I here?"

Yui nodded thoughtfully. "Man has asked himself that for his entire history without truly knowing the answer." She glanced at where Unit One had disappeared. "And will do so again." She looked down at the new Earth.

"No! Why am *I* STILL here if my job is done?!" Shinji snapped.

Yui smiled sweetly. "I'm a bit surprised at that myself... but I think I know the answer." She held out her hand toward Shinji.

"What?"

"I'll show you." Yui stretched out her hand farther.

Shinji took the hand and then almost vomited as they accelerated to light speed instantly. He would have liked to scream, but it wasn't possible as his lungs seemed to have been left behind.

Yui-with Shinji in tow-plunged down towards the surface of the black moon. Just before they hit, they vanished...

* * *

...and reappeared in the center of the geofront.

Shinji gasped in surprise at the intricate dance of the souls around him. Not content to just wait motionless for their turn to inhabit a newborn baby, the souls spun around in seemingly random directions, but the end result was that of a well choreographed dance number.

Eat your heart out, Steven Spielberg.

"It's amazing!" Shinji said, mesmerized by the rainbows that spun between each soul, like a trillion little multi-colored spider webs.

"Yes, but the Room of Gafs is not what I wanted to show you."

Shinji just looked dumbly at Yui.

Yui sighed and went into lecture mode. "The Room of Gafs is where souls wait to be born into newborn babies. It's also sometimes called the Well of Souls. After First Impact, the Moon was the Room of Gafs.

Now, this black moon will be."

Shinji looked back at Yui. "Well, if the Well of Souls isn't want you wanted to show me, then what did you want me to see?"

Yui floated to the side, revealing a large stone tablet that was slowly spinning in the exact center of the geofront.

"What is that?" Shinji asked, leaning forward.

"Look closely," Yui said, smiling.

Shinji slid forward, only having to think to do so from where he floated. He examined the tablet for several seconds, noticing that it was actually several thin stone pieces stacked together. He gasped. "The last perfect world I made..."

Yui nodded.

"But I discarded it and made my Garden of Eva."

Yui shook her head.

"But... then... it still exists?"

Yui nodded. "When you left the theater and entered that world-" She pointed at the stone storyboards. "-it was set in stone."

Shinji stared blankly at Yui.

"Deep within you, there was a part of you that had accepted that world and so it was destined to be the next world for humanity."

Shinji's jaw dropped open. "But... but... but..."

Yui reached over and closed Shinji's flapping mouth with her hand.

"You're not a motorboat, Shinji."

Shinji gulped. "But I made my Garden of Eva and THAT'S the new world." A horrible thought struck him. "Isn't it? It has to be! I want that world to last, dammit!"

Yui smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, your Garden of Eva is humanity's new world. Nothing can change that now except for another Impact and there's no chance of another one of those for quite some time."

Shinji relaxed, but still looked at the stone storyboards with trepidation. "Then..."

"Because I merged your two brains together into that-" Yui glanced at the storyboards. "-world's Shinji's body, Third Impact was reset and allowed you to make another world and set that in stone as well. But while that world was populated with the souls of Humanity, this world has none."

"So..." Shinji prompted, still having no clue as to what Yui was talking about.

"It can't be the real world for Humanity, but it is real for you.

Hence why you still exist."

Shinji looked at the storyboards. "But I don't really want it to be real."

Yui shook her head. "Yes, you do. A part of you does or it would never have been set in stone in the first place. Plus at least half of you is a part of that world."

"So, I'm dammed to spend eternity in that living hell?"

"Only if you make it hell yourself."

"Without Rei, it would be hell."

"Rei's still a part of that world."

"But... she... she became a part of every soul," Shinji said, scanning the souls that spun all around them. "And..." He looked down at the blue haired embryo he still held gently in his hands.

"Yes, but as your existence is bound to that world, so is her's."

"So we can be together again?" Shinji asked, his will to live rekindling itself.

"Yes, all it needs is for you to will it as you reenter that world."

Doubt crossed Shinji's mind. "I don't now... things were pretty bad in that world at the end."

"Where there's a will..."

Shinji finished the statement. "...there's a way."

Yui nodded. "Goodbye... my son." With that she started to fade away.

"No! " Shinji yelled and reached for her. "Don't go, Mom!"

Yui shook her head. "You don't need me any more. None of my sons do. Trust in your will and everything will turn out okay."

Shinji started to sob as Yui faded forever. "Mom..."

He wasn't sure how long it was-it could have been a minute or several billion millennia-but as he hung there and felt the weight of the decision bearing down on his shoulders the souls surrounding him slowly and methodically swarmed around him, one after the other. But he was in no mood to pay attention, he just couldn't bring himself to reenter world six-six-six.

But even as his conscious will refused to make the leap, his subconscious was willing... and able... to take the first and most important step.

"Shinji?"

Shinji's eyes went wide and the sound of the voice he had willed into existence once again. The souls had dutifully listened to his true will and reassembled her from the bits and pieces they carried within them. "Rei?" He said, looking down at his empty hands.

The blue haired embryo was gone.

"Thank you for keeping us together," Rei whispered as she wrapped her arms around his back and snuggled against him.

At that moment, Shinji knew without a doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loved. What world didn't matter, not even a fake world. "Rei..." he said softly. He turned around, so that he could look into her eyes. "That word isn't perfect."

Rei smiled. "With you by my side, it will be perfect." She stretched her neck and gave Shinji a long kiss.

As they shared their love, their skin started to turn to stone.

First their legs, then their torsos. They didn't feel any pain or even react to the change, not even when their heads were finally set in stone.

And so Shinji and Rei floated beside the stone storyboards, eternally locked in their kiss.

Their kiss of eternal love.

* * *

They reappeared-in the flesh-in world six-six-six where they had left it.

Rei pulled her lips away from Shinji's and screamed as they plunged towards the pavement below the Tokyo-3 Mega Tower. "Shinji! We're going to die!"

Shinji just smiled, knowing his will wouldn't allow that to happen.

He hoped.

Just has he had willed it, the mattress truck blew a tire just as it was preparing to pull away. The driver swore as he climbed out and kicked the flat tire. He swore louder when two kids fell into the open back and bounced up and down on the mattresses. "What the fuck?"

"We're alive!" Rei exclaimed as her breasts bounced and jiggled under her blouse.

Shinji smiled and wrapped his arms around Rei. "Welcome to the rest of our lives."

Suddenly, Rei felt a draft.

"Oh... pretty pink panties!"

Shinji and Rei turned their heads to follow a perverted little dwarf bounce away with a pair of pink panties in his grubby little hands.

"Shit!" Shinji started to go after the panty thief, but Rei held him back.

"I don't need them," She said seductively, raising the hem of her dress and giving Shinji a peek of heaven.

Shinji gulped loudly and leaned towards the forbidden fruit; a cherry in this case.

"Hey! Will you two kids get off my truck!"

Before he tasted Rei, Shinji looked at the truck driver. "Oops..."

"I'll oops you..." The truck driver rolled up his sleeves.

Shinji and Rei exchanged a nervous glance, but burst out laughing.

Taking Rei's hand in his, Shinji jumped off the truck and fled with the girl he loved in tow.

* * *

"How did you get that truck to be there? Last time it drove off before we hit the ground," Rei asked after they had lost the trucker in the streets of Tokyo-3, streets that they had become very familiar with while running away from their troubles in the past.

Shinji tapped his head. "I willed it."

"Wow! So you can will anything you want?"

Shinji shook his head. "I don't think so. Only what I willed as we returned to this world." He looked back the way the had come from. "Like that mattress truck not driving away just before we hit the pavement."

"You could try..."

Shinji shook his head. "I did... to get your panties back."

Rei sighed. "Oh well..." She raised her skirt, revealing her blue bush. "Where were we?"

Shinji laughed and reached towards the offered slice of heaven.

"Sir, pull your hand away from the pussy and keep your skirt up, miss."

Rei looked at the source of the order and swore. "Shit, the cops are still after us!" She started to run-dropping her skit and disappointing the cop in the process-but Shinji grabbed her hand and stopped her. "We're fugitives from the law, remember?!" she asked, astonished that he had stopped her.

Shinji smiled and tapped his head.

* * *

"You kids shouldn't have run away from home like that. Your mother... mothers had us search everywhere for you after we came over to tell you that the DA dropped the murder charges since the witnesses we interviewed indicated it was self-defense."

Rei looked away from the police officer driving the squad car she and Shinji were riding in. "Willpower?"

Shinji nodded. "Can't have us running from the law for the rest of our lives, can I?"

Rei smiled and leaned towards Shinji. "No, but you could have done something about this other problem we have."

Shinji tried to think of what problem she meant, but gave up after the list went into triple digits. "What problem?"

Rei pressed her body against Shinji's. "This problem."

Shinji didn't see what the problem was. From where he sat, the sensation of Rei's perky breasts pressed against him was a problem he wished he had more often.

Then the problem became obvious. "Don't make me use my pepper spray on you."

Shinji gulped as realization dawned on him. "Ah... the little problem we had with getting interrupted all the time."

Rei nodded.

Shinji smiled. "I didn't directly deal with that, but I believe another problem that I did deal with will help negate it."

* * *

In the Ikari living room, Shinji and Rei sat together, hand in hand. Across from them, sat an angry redhead. Beside Asuka, Hikari and Kensuke tried to keep far enough apart that their animal attraction wasn't obvious. Regardless, Touji did his best not to jump over and pummel Kensuke to death. The fact that he was handcuffed to his heavy chair helped matters immensely.

"So, that's the whole story. We hope we can all be friends once the shock of all this dies down and our other personal..." Shinji searched for the right word as he scanned his dearest friends in front of him.

One of which still looked like she'd rather castrate him than be friends. It's a good thing Asuka was tied up like Hannibal Lechter at that moment.

Apparently, both Asuka and Touji were still a bit miffed at Shinji and Kensuke, respectively.

The other three in the room didn't really have a problem with Shinji, save Hikari who still felt bad that he had hurt Asuka so badly.

Of course, she had dumped Touji to be with Kensuke, so she wasn't in a position to be mad at Shinji for doing the same thing.

"...problems get worked out," Shinji finished.

"You sick bastard! Asuka mumbled through her facemask. "Dumping me for your own twin sister!"

Touji nodded. "I have to agree with Big Red, that's really sick, Shinji."

Shinji sighed. "Yeah... but we can't live apart." He looked lovingly at Rei.

"Well, I think you two look cute together," Hikari said, sliding a little bit away from the bound Asuka instinctively.

Kensuke laughed a bit. "I think it's funny you two were found in baskets on the river too."

Rei blinked loudly, twice. "Too?"

"Yeah, my mom used to joke that she found me floating down the river in a basket." Kensuke chuckled. "She was just joking, of course."

Rei looked at Shinji, who tapped his head. A broad smile formed on her face. "What date?"

"March 8th."

"That's when me and Shinji were found..." Rei raised an eyebrow.

"In Hokkaido?" Kensuke nodded. Rei tried not to burst out laughing, but she lost that battle.

"What's so funny?"

Shinji answered for Rei. "There's a chance that you're her twin brother instead of me."

Kensuke's eyes widened. "But my mom was kidding... I'm sure of it."

One phone call later...

"Damn, what a way to find out you were adopted after being found floating down a sewage filled river," Kensuke muttered with his head buried in his hands.

Shinji laughed. "There are worse ways, trust me." He winked at Rei.

Hikari snuggled up to Kensuke's side and comforted him. "It'll be okay."

Touji strained to pull the handcuff free.

"But how can we be sure which one of you is Rei's brother?" Hikari asked.

One home paternity test later...

Rei jumped onto Shinji and covered him with kisses. "You non-brother stud, take me now!"

Four throats cleared themselves.

Rei and Shinji stopped pulling off each other's clothing. They looked at the others and smiled apologetically. "Sorry."

Hikari looked at the discarded test sticks. "Why didn't you just get tested before to make sure?"

Shinji and Rei looked at each other and slapped the others' head.

"D'OH!"

* * *

One explanation to their odd assortment of parents later...

Ritsuko laughed and gave Kensuke a big hug. "I always knew my son couldn't be a spineless, bedwetting, sex crazed monster like Shinji!"

"Hey!" Shinji complained.

Ritsuko hugged Kensuke even tighter. "I'm so glad to finally find my long lost son after all these years of searching."

Kensuke looked a bit stunned and teary eyed as his real mother embraced him for the first time in his life. "Mom..."

"Call me 'Mommy'," Ritsuko asked, squeezing tighter.

Kensuke started to turn blue. "Mommy, can you... urk... let me...

urk... breathe?"

"Sorry, Baby." Ritsuko relaxed her scissor-hold on Kensuke's neck and smiled lovingly at her child.

Shinji sighed. "Sure, he gets pampered and I get yelled at and tormented by the old hag," he muttered softly.

Hearing this, Rei laughed and snuggled against Shinji. "Now we can get married for real."

"Oh no you can't!"

Rei glared at her mother. "Can too!"

"I don't care if he isn't your bother, he's still a jerk and he's not good enough for my baby girl."

Rei glared at her mother. "But he's the father of my baby!" She put her hand on her stomach.

Ritsuko laughed. "We found out you were faking that, remember?"

Rei gasped. "Oh yeah..." She looked at Shinji and tapped her head.

Shinji shook his head. "Some problems we'll have to work out for ourselves."

* * *

God's in his heaven, all's right with the new world and world six-six-six might not suck after all...

Might.

"I really wish it wasn't number six-six-six," God said, his radiance blinding the reader enough that the author doesn't have to describe him.

"Why?"

"That bastard Lucifer picked that number in the pool."

"I see... I hope both those worlds turn out well for Shinji."

"He seems to have chosen well."

"So why am I here in heaven, sitting at your side?"

God laughed. "Where else should my daughter be?"

Yui's eyes bugged out and she toppled off the beams off light that made up God's throne. "Daa... daughter?" she gasped, shaking.

God nodded. "I sent you to Earth to oversee Third Impact."

"But... but I don't recall any of this."

"Well... the last time I sent one of my children down with the knowledge of who he was and what I wanted him to do, things didn't work out that well." God smiled lovingly at Yui. "You'd look horrible on a cross."

Yui just stared at God in amazement. "But I don't look anything like you."

God chuckled, causing his round belly to jiggle. "All that crap about man being made in my image is the fault of that author I hired to write my biography. What a hack! I never once said anything about not coveting your neighbor's wife. And I NEVER let Adam or Eve-especially not Eve-wear fig leaves in MY garden." God looked askew at Yui.

Yui gulped. "Sorry, I never knew."

"That's okay... you did great. I made you in Man's image so you could guide them through Third Impact."

"I see..."

"Although, I can't see what you saw in that husband of yours."

Yui nodded. "Yes, he did have some faults... some major faults, but if I had know who I was..."

God interrupted. "That's why I sent you Earth without the knowledge of who you were. You weren't shaping a world for me, you were shaping it for the next inhabitants of the Earth."

"Humans..."

"Or one of the other Angels... I can't play favorites in these things. Although..."

Yui looked at God. "Although?"

"I have to admit, I was cheering for that son of yours."

"Your grandson, you mean."

"Yes.. yes. He just reminds me of myself when I was that young. The first world I made had nothing but naked female penguins running around in it. No matter what species, there's nothing like a naked woman to get your blood boiling."

Yui giggled. "So is that why you moved in with Misato, 'Penpen'?"

God laughed, holding his big stomach with his flippers. "I just wanted to keep an eye on things firsthand, that's all."

"Huh uh..."

God's yellow beak turned bright red as he became embarrassed.

"Really. I mean... I did see Misato and Asuka naked a few times, but it was always an accident... really. And well... when Rei and Hikari came over for that sleepover, I sort of... and..."

Yui half sighed and half giggled. "And I thought being absorbed into Unit One was the strangest thing that could happen to me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, finding out that my dad's a penguin who used to be someone's pet would be bad enough, but to find out he's also a pervert on top of that is just beyond absurd."

"I'd have thought that my being God would be the most shocking."

Yui shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, that's not that big of a deal."

God sighed. "That's what your mother said when I impregnated her."

"I wasn't immaculately conceived?"

God laughed. "Where's the fun in that?"

Yui rolled her eyes. "Pervert."

"That's what Mary said too."

* * *

Once Shinji and Rei reached the age of sixteen, a wedding was taking place at the biggest chapel in Tokyo-3. The bride wore a white dress and the groom a white tuxedo. As they kissed and sealed their vows, the roof caved in a killed them both.

At another church across town that wasn't quite as big and had a stronger roof, Rei walked down the aisle in a white dress, smiling from ear to ear. The dress was patterned with lace flowers throughout, revealing just a hint of the slim figure underneath.

Her long train was splayed out behind her and glittered like the sun, making her look like an angel to the young man in a black tuxedo that looked nervously at his future bride form the front of the chapel.

At one time, we would have had to crush such an angel with his Evangelion, but those days were far behind him. Now he had the joy of his life with the woman he loved to look forward to. Not to mention the honeymoon since two of the conditions of this marriage that Ritsuko had insisted upon was that they'd wait until they were sixteen and wouldn't have sex until they were married.

Which is why the story has skipped ahead all those months. What's Garden of Eva without some totally inappropriate sex?

Part 2:11 - Nothing Blows or Sucks Anybody's Naughty Bits - The Lost Chapter.

Behind Rei, the bridesmaids walked wearing their matching green dresses. Well, except for the bridesmaid of honor, whose dress had quite a bit more cleavage showing than the other two girls. Asuka was still single and unattached, after all. Hikari and that nameless girl from the back of the classroom looked radiant-just not as slutty as Asuka-as they walked down the aisle.

As she passed an usher, Hikari blew a kiss at Kensuke and winked.

Kensuke blushed, but not from the kiss or the wink; it was in reaction to how beautiful his fiancee looked in the green dress.

In the audience, the groom's adoptive mother and father-the later of which was also the bride's father-were seated on the groom's side.

On the bride's side, the bride and usher's mother and grandmother sat with Maya in between them to prevent a cat fight.

What a spoilsport.

Sprinkled in the rest of the pews were friends, family, and classmates; all there to wish Shinji and Rei happiness in their life together.

Well, there was at least one person there who would like nothing better to break up the wedding and make Rei and Shinji's lives a living hell. Fortunately for the future couple, he was present only in the form of his ashes.

Despite the differences between the 'Hasamoto' of this world and the real Kaworu, Shinji and Rei wanted him to be there, if only in ash form.

So they dug up his body and cremated him in their fireplace the night before the wedding.

Well, not really, but it might have happened that way.

As the bride stepped up to the altar next to Shinji, she smiled.

Shinji's knees suddenly gave way and he crashed to the floor, drooling over Rei's polished shoes.

"Shinji!" Rei gasped.

Soon, the best man rushed to their aid. "Come on, Shinji, don't wuss out now when you're so close to having sex again."

Shinji looked up at Touji with weary eyes. "That's why I'm so weak... lack of sex."

Touji laughed and helped Shinji to his feet. "Don't give me that bull, you just were stunned by your foxy bride's beauty."

Shinji looked at Rei and smiled. "Well, that too."

Rei blushed and smiled. "I love you."

"Me too." Shinji leaned in to kiss her, but the minister cleared his throat. Looking at the minister and then at the assembled guests, Shinji and Rei blushed. "Sorry." Taking Rei's hand, Shinji stood up straight and faced the minister.

"Kids today just can't wait."

After hearing that, it started as a twitch.

During the minister's opening words, it grew to a tremble.

Just before the vows, it erupted into a full out laugh.

The minister looked on horrified as first the bride and then the groom broke out laughing. Mostly because of the long months they had waited for the wedding, plus the long millennia they had spent in the theater just 'waiting'.

The wait was over.

"Sorry," Shinji and Rei said together after their laughs petered out.

The old minister glared at the two in front of him and then continued the ceremony. "We are here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony." He looked at Shinji. "Please recite your vows."

Shinji gulped loudly and took his soon-to-be bride's hand. "Rei, when we first met, we were different people." He smiled knowingly. "At least four different people, but I might have lost count somewhere along the way."

Rei chuckled softly, but the joke was totally lost on the others in the chapel.

And some of the readers who haven't been paying attention were quite bemused, as well.

"We've been to hell, a run down theater, paradise, and back again to arrive at this point and I wouldn't change anything for fear of not ending up on this altar with you. The battles with the Angels..."

Hikari rolled her eyes and whispered to Asuka. "He's really into the Eva game, isn't he?"

Asuka chuckled.

Shinji continued. "Our time in the theater..."

"Did they ever appear in school plays?" Yui whispered to her husband.

Gendou shrugged.

"Our time on the run for various nutcases, psychopaths, and law enforcement officers... not necessarily in that order or mutually exclusively."

Everyone in the chapel understood that reference. Or thought they did.

"We've seen the end of one world, the endless possibilities of others, and the birth of a new world..."

There was a general outburst of confused chattering from the people in the chapel as no one could figure that one out.

"And now we find ourselves in a not so perfect world about to embark on our lives together." Shinji squeezed her hands tighter.

"Whatever the future holds for us, remember that I love you... now and forever, in this world and others, through Fourth Impact and beyond, to the end of time immemorial..."

Gendou leaned over and whispered to his wife. "He's getting a little melodramatic, isn't he?"

Yui shushed him. "Look who's talking, Mr. 'get it over with so we can get naked already'."

Gendou gulped. "Sorry about that."

"...nothing will ever part us. I love you."

Rei smiled. "I love you too."

The minister looked at Rei.

Rei smiled devilishly. "Ditto."

Shinji fell down in shock.

After helping him back up, Rei started her real vows. "Shinji, when we met I was but an empty shell. Just a tool for a madman's schemes."

Both Rei and Shinji subconsciously glanced at Gendou.

"But without that scheming, we would not have ended up here." Rei took a deep breath. "You are my friend, my creator, my lover. You completed me like no one else could have. Half of me will forever be a figment of your imagination. The other half will forever be a part of your soul." She smiled broadly. "Together, *WE* will belong to your heart; now and forever, in this world and the next, till the end of eternity. I love you."

The minister wiped a tear out of his eye. "That was so beautiful...

the parts I understood, at least."

Shinji and Rei chuckled.

Sniffling, the minister continued the ceremony. "Is there anyone present who knows of any reason why these two people should not be wed?

If so, speak now or forever hold your doubts."

Everyone in the chapel looked at Asuka.

"What?!" Asuka growled, looking like a cornered cat about to rip everyone's faces off. "I'm happy for Rei and can't stand the little wuss anymore."

Rei and Shinji both silently mouthed 'thank you' and turned back towards the minister.

"Then, since there are no objections, I now..." the minister said before being interrupted.

"Sorry, we're late!"

Everyone looked towards the back of the church to see Misato and Kaji walk in, looking like they just drove through a car wash in a convertible with the top down. Since it wasn't raining outside that was exactly what happened.

"I told you to turn RIGHT in front of the car wash, stupid!" Misato snapped.

Shinji laughed until he noticed Misato's huge stomach. "Oh, crap!

I forgot to will away the possibility that I was the father of Misato's child!"

There are worse things to shout out on the altar just before you were about to be pronounced man and wife, but not many.

"You forgot to make sure that you weren't the father? You fucking idiot!" Rei snapped, losing her chance at the world's most eloquent bride award.

Kensuke's eyes were wide open. "Oh, crap! It could be mine too!"

Hikari's eyes narrowed. "What?!"

Kensuke gulped. "Well... it was... kind of...um... she was drunk!"

"And what's your excuse?" Hikari asked, sharpening the ACME castration kit that someone had given Rei as a joke-probably-present at her bridal shower.

That someone was Rei's mother, of course. When Asuka had volunteered-more like begged-to use it on the groom, Hikari had decided to hang onto it for safekeeping.

"Um... I'm a teenager with rampaging hormones?"

Hikari suddenly smiled. "Oh, yeah... okay, I forgive you."

"Crap... I can't believe both of you bagged Misato and I didn't!"

Touji was suddenly in intense pain as all the women in the chapel kicked him repeatedly, including the bride and the future mother of a child with a still undetermined father.

* * *

"God damn!"

God looked at Yui. "Don't take my name in vain, daughter."

Yui bowed her head. "Sorry, Father, but I was just distressed at this turn of events. They don't deserve this after all they've been through." She looked at the viewpoint they had opened so that she could see her son get married.

God shook his beak. "I'm sorry, but that is a world of his own making. I cannot alter it. His will, and his will alone was responsible for the structure of that world."

"But you must be able to do something."

God shook his beak.

"But..."

"I'm sorry, but he must live with the past actions of both Shinji's that currently make up his mind."

Yui looked back at the viewpoint, sadness filling her eyes.

"Shinji..."

"He is wi...' God suddenly sniffled and then sneezed, covering Yui's face with snot. "Sorry." Pulling out a handkerchief from one of the pockets of the tuxedo he was wearing, he blew his nose and finally made the connection to this part's title.

"That's okay."

"It's that darn Lucifer again... intentionally turning the heat down in hell to make Heaven colder than it should be." God sighed. "I shouldn't have cut corners when I built Heaven and put in a separate heating system instead of sharing it with Hell."

Yui didn't know what to say.

God was about to put the handkerchief into the pocket of the tuxedo he was wearing when he noticed something glowing in the snot. "Oops..."

"What's wrong?"

God poked the end of his flipper into the snot and extracted a small glowing piece of dust, no bigger than the head of a pin. "I accidentally blew out Shinji's world six-six-six," he explained as he shoved his flipper-that had world six-six-six perched precariously on the end-up his right nostril.

Yui's mouth gaped open. "You keep it up your nose?"

God looked oddly at Yui. "Where else should I keep it?"

Yui was at a loss to think up an answer to that. "Well... I guess since it's not a real world, it's okay."

God laughed and dug into his left nostril. Pulling out the flipper, a yellow speck was on the end. "I keep the real universes in my left nostril."

Yui fell backwards and off the throne in shock.

God pointed at the glowing speck. "That's the universe with the real Earth in it."

"I can't believe the universe lives inside God's nose." Yui stretched her neck and looked up God's huge honker.

God laughed. "No more up there now. Although, I do keep a couple other universes in the pockets of my tuxedo for safe keeping.

Yui laughed. "Pocket universes, huh?"

God nodded. "Of course."


	30. The End of the Garden of Eva

The End of the Garden of Eva

* * *

At the insistence of Ritsuko, Shinji and Rei's wedding was postponed until the father of Misato's baby could be determined from among the many possible candidates. That made Shinji and Rei very anxious and horny by the time Misato went into labor.

"Push, god dammit!"

Shinji flinched away from Rei's angry outburst.

Did I mention that they were horny, especially Rei?

Misato pushed, blood splashing everywhere in the small taxi. "I wish Kaji was here."

"He's in the cab right behind us, but there's no room in here since we have to be ready to administer this home paternity test," Shinji explained holding up a strange multi-facetted instrument that looked more like a torture device than a medical test.

"Grrrrrr..."

The cab driver lifted his head from between Misato's legs. "Damn, this woman is built real well down here!" He noticed her swollen breasts under her thin blouse. "Up there too."

"Shut up and pull that baby out, mister!" Rei snapped from where she sat behind the wheel. She yanked the wheel to the left to avoid the leg of a large purple robot that was in the middle of the street.

Peering out the window, she giggled. "That damn tournament is back in town again."

"Grrrrrr..."

"I see a..." the cab driver went silent and looked closer at Misato's gateway to heaven.

At least that's what every man who's ever made it through that gateway had called it.

It's not a particularly exclusive club.

"A what!?" Misato bellowed.

Sorry, I didn't mean it.

"Not that, what do you see between my legs?!" Misato replied glaring briefly at the author and then looked at the first man to ever get between her legs without scoring. She glared at the author again.

Sorry.

"It's a... tentacle," the cab driver explained, cringing backwards in fright.

"That's the umbilical cord, you dolt!" Misato snapped and then every muscle in her body contracted at once. "Grrrrr..."

A sound resonated within the cab.

You know that sound that a cork makes when a champagne bottle is opened?

This sound was nothing like that.

You know the sound of a fat man breaking wind after eating a large Mexican meal?

Closer, but still not the right sound to describe the one still resonating within the cab.

You know the sound of a train breaking through a million pounds of Jello-brand (tm) gelatin and splattering a cab and three people with a gooey mess?

Me either, but that's exactly what it sounded like when Misato's child arrived in world six-six-six.

Ignoring the blood all around her, Misato reached for her child and took it from the blood-covered cab driver. Not just his hands and arms, but his whole body was covered in blood. Hey, what's a Garden of Eva birth without an obscene amount of blood?

Good taste.

Who asked you?

Sorry.

"Use the test!" Rei shouted.

"He's so beautiful," Misato said right before Shinji shoved the paternity test instrument up the baby's backside.

The baby cried a bit, but babies tend to do that anyway even when they don't have a cold piece of surgical metal shoved up their anus three seconds after they were born.

At least that was Shinji's reasoning as he tried to block out the cries of the baby. The timer beeped and he withdrew the test instrument.

Digging into his pocket, he pulled out the three test wands they had already used to test Kaji, Kensuke, and himself with.

"He looks just like..."

Shinji's eyes widened suddenly as he looked between the wands in his hand and the wand in the test instrument. "Oh, shit!"

* * *

"Go..." Yui began to curse, then stopped and looked at his Godliness, Penpen. "That's not fair."

God sighed, his small lips under his huge honker flapping slightly.

"Life seldom is. I'm sure Shinji has it within him to survive whatever that world throws at him."

"But Rei..."

"You have a soft spot for her, don't you?" God asked, patting his daughter's hand with his right flipper.

Yui nodded. "She reminds me so much of myself when I was that age."

"Really?"

"Well, I wasn't one of a series of clones, or forced to fight heavenly creatures, or was merged with an alternate version of myself that was part of a imaginary world created by my son or anything... but I was drop dead gorgeous like Rei is."

God slipped off his throne made of light and floundered on top of the cloud they were drifting around on.

Yui smirked. "Got you, Pop!"

God sighed. "And here I always thought my first son was the comedian in this family. That endless supply of bread and fish trick always made me laugh." He paused. "Of course, if those people he pulled the trick on knew what they were actually eating, they'd have put him up on the cross instead of the Romans."

* * *

"He looks just like..."

Later in a hospital room, Misato looked up from her newborn son and nodded. "Yes, he does."

"So he's not..."

"Yes."

"How do you think Shinji's taking it?"

"After their initial shock and swearing up a storm of filthy gibberish, Shinji and Rei didn't say much of anything," Misato said, fingering the black hairs on her new son. "But I could see on their face that they were devastated that Shinji's the father of my child."

Kaji wrung his hands in front of him. "I'm sorry my sperm didn't win the race."

Misato sighed. "Well, it wasn't really a race... just bad timing."

"But Kensuke too?"

"I was drunk."

"That's your excuse for everything! Having sex with other men because you're too drunk, not having sex with me because you feel sick from drinking so much, selling my Jaguar because you needed beer money, not wanting to meet my mother because you wanted to get drunk, meeting my mother for dinner and getting drunk because she called you a lush since you had a keg delivered to the table, not..."

"I get the idea!" Misato snapped, causing her newborn child to start to cry. "Oh... shhhh... um... shhhh... please don't cry." She tried to comfort her baby, then looked around. "I need a beer."

Kaji sighed. "You're going to have to give up drinking if I'm going to marry you."

Misato's jaw dropped open, which allowed the baby to grab her tongue and pull. Hard. "Hunnnnnpphhtttt?"

"Well, we are engaged, aren't we?"

Misato pried her son's little fingers off her tongue. "But... but I had another man's child." As her baby started to cry, she exposed her swollen breasts for the readers... err... for the baby to nurse.

Lucky bastard... Kaji thought as the baby started to suckle on Misato's teat. He looked up at Misato's face. "Yeah, but I still love you."

"But..."

"I don't care if you've had problems staying out of other men's beds in the past."

"But..."

"Or out of cheap hotels with other men."

"But..."

"Or out of dark alleys with other men."

"But..."

"Or out of..."

"Shut up about me fucking anything with a penis already!" Misato snapped.

Kaji cringed backwards. "Sorry."

As her baby started to cry again, Misato frowned. "No... it's my fault." She comforted her baby. "Shhhh... it's okay. Mommy won't sleep around or get plastered anymore."

"Or both."

Misato grinned. "Or both." As the baby quieted down again, she looked up at Kaji. "You'd still want me and another man's child?"

To answer her question, Kaji knelt down by her bedside and took Misato's hand. "Misato, will you marry me?"

Before Misato could answer, the door burst open. "Misato, will you marry me?"

Kaji and Misato both looked over and saw Shinji standing in the doorway. He was panting and sweating like he had just ran up ten flights of stairs.

"What?" Kaji asked.

Shinji finally noticed Kaji was there, mostly since Misato's breasts were still exposed and had attracted Shinji's attention immediately. "I'm sorry, Kaji, but I can't let the mother of my child carry the burden of raising our child alone," he said without taking his eyes from Misato's breasts.

"What am I, chopped liver?" Kaji asked.

"It's my responsibility to marry Misato so we can raise our child in a traditional family unit."

"That's not how you established the Garden of Eva."

Shinji spun around at the familiar voice. "Rei!"

Rei did not look happy as she stood in the doorway with her arms crossed and a frown on her face. "I thought you'd come here eventually when you ran away from me." She noticed how tired he looked. "You should have used the elevator."

"I'm sorry, but I have to be a man and take responsibility for my actions." Shinji paused and considered something. "Well... at least the actions of half of me."

Kaji shook his head. "I know our penises sometimes have a mind of their own, Shinji, but you can't consider it a separate entity."

Shinji opened his mouth to explain that he meant that it was only half of him that actually impregnated Misato before being then merged together with his other half in a sickening operation with way more blood than could possibly of come from two teenage boys' bodies, when he thought better of it. "Ummm.. yeah." He looked at Misato. "Anyway, I don't love you, but you're a hot chick and the mother of my child, so we'd best get married and live in a loveless marriage so that our child can have both biological parents to rebel against and end up running away with some slut he knocked up in a back alley somewhere."

The room was deathly silent for several heartbeats until Misato spoke. "I see you've given our lives together some thought."

Shinji looked away to hide the embarrassment on his face. "A little."

Misato patted the bed next to her. "Come here, Shinji."

When Shinji took a step forward, Rei jumped forward and grabbed his hand to stop him. "No, I won't let him go after all we've been through to get to this world together!"

Shinji turned to face Rei. "I'm sorry, Rei, but I have to take responsibility for this world I made."

A tear slipped down Rei's already tear-stained face. "But..."

"I love you, Rei, and will always love you, but to run away from this would make me just like my father who ran away from his responsibility to me." Shinji suddenly recalled that his other half was abandoned as well. "And just like those bastards who put me in that sewage filled river in Hokkaido and ran away from their responsibility to their son."

"But I want to be with you forever... like you promised me before this tramp interrupted our wedding."

"Who the hell are you calling a tramp, you tramp!"

"If you weren't holding that baby, I'd..." was all Rei had time to say before Misato handed her baby to Kaji.

Can you say catfight?

Catfight.

Good, but that's not what happened.

Shinji got between both women he'd had sex with and held his hands out to keep them from fighting. In the process he grabbed both of their chests. "Gack!" he blurted and pulled his hands away fast.

Too fast.

In addition to ripping to top of Misato's hospital gown off, he also had a handful of Rei's blouse. And of course, Rei hadn't put on a bra that morning because Ritsuko and Maya were having sex on top of the washer and dryer the day before so Rei couldn't do the laundry.

Can you say topless catfight?

Topless catfight.

Four breasts bounced and shimmied as the two women fought over Shinji's love. Or at least over his penis.

Kaji stepped out of the way of the bouncing breasts and held the newborn baby protectively in his arms.

"Don't fight over me!" Shinji yelled as he tried to break up the fight.

"Grrrr... I'm not fighting for you, you little boy, I'm just defending my good reputation!" Misato insisted.

Rei rammed her firm, teenage breasts against Misato's milk filled jugs, producing a bouncy and cheerful tune. "You have no good reputation to defend!"

"Oh yeah..." Misato agreed, then missed seeing Rei land on her face. "Mmmmphfffftt..."

Rei pressed her legs together and smothered Misato with her crotch.

Misato bit into that which was smothering her.

Naturally, Rei didn't like that and screamed out in pain. Releasing her leg's hold on Misato's head, she sprang back, pulling off Misato's hospital gown completely in the process.

"Bitch!" Misato said after spitting the remains of Rei's short pants out.

Rei apparently didn't have any clean panties to put on that morning either.

Can you say naked catfight?"

Naked catfight.

Boobs and pussies flashed everywhere as Kaji and Shinji watched the action.

Two somethings suddenly came up.

"We could share..."

Shinji looked cross at Kaji. "Shut up! Rei's mine!"

Hearing this, Rei looked at Shinji and missed seeing a left jab from Misato. "Ooof..."

"You can't have them both!"

"I don't want Misato, I just have to take responsibility for my actions! Even if they were only half of me who knocked her up!"

Kaji shook his head. "You really have to stop thinking of your penis as a separate entity."

"You're one to talk... you had your penis registered to vote!"

Kaji gulped. "Well, that was just when I was running for Mayor of Tokyo-3... every little bit helps."

"How little is it, Misato?" Rei asked, pausing her attempt to rub Misato's pussy raw with her own.

Hey, it's a very popular move in women's wrestling.

Popular with the male and the lesbian viewers, of course.

Ironically, Ritsuko and Maya were in the exact same position at that exact same moment back at their house, but had a rubber 'appliance'

holding them together as they rocked back and forth, rubbing their...

But I digress.

Misato wiped the sweat from her forehead and looked at Kaji. "It's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it."

Rei tilted her head to the side. "That small, huh?"

Misato nodded.

Rei slipped her pussy away from Misato's, making a sound like a champagne cork popping. She wiped Misato's juices from her thighs and looked at Shinji. "Better forget it, Shinji."

"Huh?"

"Any woman who's willing to give you up for a man with a small dick is really in love with that pencildick."

Kaji suddenly covered his crotch with the baby. When the baby's diaper fell off, Kaji moved the baby to the side. Why? Compared the baby's little tinkler, Kaji's was enormous.

Shinji looked at the baby. "But... I can't abandon my child like I was." A heartbeat passed, before Shinji added, "Twice."

"Shinji..." Misato said softly. "You don't have to marry me to be part of your son's life."

"I don't?"

Misato shook her head. "I won't marry you, but I want to give you every chance to spend time with OUR child."

"Well..."

"Kaji's place is big enough for the five of us, so..."

"Live together again?" Shinji asked, forgetting which world he was in.

Misato frowned. "Again?"

"Um... well... I mean... do you mean some kind of four-way marriage?"

Misato chuckled. "No. We'd each marry the person we truly love and just bring up our son together."

"No sex with Rei then?"

Misato glared at Kaji, while Rei kicked him in his balls and took the baby out of his hands before he crumpled to the ground.

Misato smiled at Rei. "Thanks. So what do you think?"

"If I can be with Shinji, I'll be happy." Rei looked down at the baby. "I don't mind helping to raise this little bastard, either."

Misato didn't like her son being called a bastard, but she knew it was technically the truth. "Anyway... Shinji, what do you say?"

"Well, I love Rei with all my heart, so if I can be with her AND take responsibility for my child... I agree."

Misato smiled and looked at Kaji, who was hunched over on the floor. "Kaji?"

"Ooo-kay..." Kaji squeaked.

Rei stepped forward and held out the baby. "Do you want to hold your son?"

Shinji gulped loudly and held his shaking arms out to take the baby.

"Support his head," Rei instructed as Shinji took the offered baby.

Misato looked on worriedly as Shinji took her newborn child into his arms. She smiled when she saw his expression change. She couldn't have seen her own expression when she first held her son, but she new without a doubt it was the same as the blissful and loving look that crossed Shinji's face at that moment.

It was only the look that a parent could give at seeing their newborn child for the first time.

That expression changed as a pungent odor filled the room.

"Ewwwww..." Shinji said, holding the stinky baby away from him.

Considering the baby's diaper had fallen off earlier, you can imagine the shit Shinji found himself in.

Welcome to fatherhood, Shinji Ikari.

"Let's call him..."

* * *

"We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

Misato smiled and tightened her grip on Kaji's hand.

"We are also gathered here today to join to other man and this other woman in holy matrimony."

To the left of Kaji and Misato, Shinji held tightly onto Rei's hand. He knew without a doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Rei, and her with him.

Likewise, Rei knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Shinji, and he with her. Just to be sure, she had handcuffed them together.

Other precautions included a metal detector and strip search at the entrance to the church for all invited guests. Unfortunately, the readers got here too late and missed all the naked flesh, bouncing breasts, and male and female naughty bits flailing around.

That'll teach you to stop for popcorn and soda.

"Both couples have asked me to make it perfectly clear that there will be no swapping of husbands or wives between the two couples and that they are only living in the same house so that they can raise the bastard child of this bride-" The minister point at Misato. "-and this groom." He pointed at Shinji.

The bastard child in question chose that moment to spit up on Hikari's dress. "Oh my..." She started having second thoughts about taking care of the baby when the couples went on their separate honeymoons

Where, you ask?

Kaji and Misato were going to spend a romantic week in Hawaii.

And Shinji and Rei? What kind of honeymoon would suit two sixteen year olds who were born of two worlds-one real and one fake-and who went through hell, the theater, and back again?

The answer will sicken you.

* * *

The purple Unit One tore the vagina and uterus off the female Angel. Drooling from its armored mouth, Unit One slobbered onto the female reproductive organ and stuck his tongue between the...

"We really need to find someplace to have sex if you're that bad off, Shinji!"

Hearing Rei's voice over his entry plug's intercom, Shinji gasped and looked down at the pulsing vagina in his Eva's hands. He almost looked surprised at seeing it there. "Oops... sorry. I guess I'm a little frustrated that we couldn't afford to go somewhere other than the Eva center for our honeymoon."

Rei giggled as her Unit Zero dueled with an acid-dripping Angel.

"Well, when my friend's shift starts we can use the same entry plug."

Shinji giggled like a little schoolgirl, making Rei wonder if she'd just married the wrong man. Of if he was a man for that matter. "I'll enter you with my plug, alright."

Rei's doubts vanished. "Promise... promises."

"I just wish that they didn't disable the sex cheat," Shinji said as he fired round after round into a diamond-shaped Angel. I always hated this Angel, he thought as he jumped out of the range of the Angel's deadly beam.

Rei giggled again. "Is it me, or are you the hornier one since we merged from our prior four separate selves?"

Shinji blushed as he managed to blow a chunk of the Angel's thick armor off. "You were driving that taxi pretty wildly for someone who's not horny."

Rei smirked, thankful that Shinji couldn't see her. "Well, piloting a Eva is almost the same as sex." A wave of pleasure rippled through her as she thrust her sword into the Angel she was fighting, disemboweling it.

As he finished off his current opponent, a thought struck Shinji.

"Maybe that's why Asuka always seemed to get off on fighting."

Rei laughed suddenly, causing her to cough and cover her controls with spit. "Damn, that would explain a lot about her." She jumped into the air and landed by Unit One. "Well, let's finish off these Angels and go see if we can find some out of the way corner to fuck in, okay?"

After the months they had spent waiting ever since they arrived in this world, Shinji wasn't about to argue.

There aren't many sixteen-year-old boys who would.

Together, Units One and Zero leapt into the air and used two long sharpened poles to cleave a familiar Angel in half. Almost immediately, the two halves formed into separate Angels and began to attack Shinji and Rei with a vengeance.

After all, they had just been locked together having intercourse, so they were naturally pissed by being separated. The fact that the male Angel's severed penis was still embedded in the female Angel's vagina, made the male Angel's rage all that more understandable.

"Damn, maybe we should have kept them together," Shinji commented as he deflected his opponent's savage blows with his pole.

Inside her entry plug, Rei smiled. "Well, why should they get any if we can't?"

Shinji chuckled. "Good point. Let's take care of these two and then find someplace that we can continue what they were doing ourselves."

Rei's Unit Zero nodded and jumped back to back with Shinji' Unit One. "Do it to the theme to Shaft!"

In time with the music to the song 'Shaft', the two Evas leapt into the air and descended on their victims. Gyrating and humping each other and then the Angels, the newlyweds sent the Angels to afterlife in the best possible way.

Death by orgasm.

If your first time doesn't kill you; try, try again.

* * *

Time passed.

Ritsuko still despised Shinji and took every opportunity to remind him of this fact. Fortunately she was too busy to castrate him-verbally and/or physically-thanks to the new penises that she and Maya had attached to their bodies using the latest medical techniques. Somehow, Ritsuko found it harder to hold Shinji's penis against him once she had gotten one of her own.

Things look differently then the penis is on the other crotch, apparently.

It was even possible for them to impregnate each other, but they decided to get vasectomies in order to avoid having any dumb-ass kids like Shinji. It didn't help Shinji's relationship with his mother-in-law that she kept calling him her 'dumb-ass son-in-law'.

Gendou and Yui lived happily ever after, despite Gendou's inability to get his penis into his wife's vagina ever since he lost his eye and, in turn, his depth perception. Not that he had the greatest record before, mind you.

Kaji and Misato had some kids of their own until he got a vasectomy after their second child, but somehow Misato got pregnant again. They HOPE it was a botched vasectomy and not the new handyman or that night she fell off the wagon and into Shinji's bed.

Hey, it was dark and it sure felt like Kaji's penis.

That's Misato's usual refrain, anyway.

To both incidents.

When Kensuke and Hikari both reached the age of twenty-one, they...

Not more penis talk, please.

Um... of course not.

Anyway, before their honeymoon where Kensuke inserted his...

well... before that, they had their wedding.

* * *

"We are gathered here today, to join this man-" The minister indicated Kensuke, who was looking very nervous in his neon-green tuxedo. Don't' ask, it was in fashion at the time. "-and this woman-" He indicated Hikari, who was in a beautiful white flowing dress. Yes, the fashion at the time was for the bride to look gorgeous and the groom to look like a complete and utter git. "-in holy matrimony."

Hikari smiled at her future husband, causing Kensuke's knees to give out. Fortunately, the best man-Shinji-was already supporting him because of the first dozen times Kensuke's knees had given out since the wedding began.

"Marriage is..."

The sudden wailing of a baby interrupted the minister. Everyone looked at Misato, who was seated near the back.

Misato's two oldest sat quietly between her and Kaji, while her youngest was nuzzled up against her chest, snoring softly. Her round belly held her yet to be born forth child. Like her three siblings who had already been born, the future Playboy centerfold was not the source of the crying.

The baby held by the Maid of Honor was. "Shhh..." Rei said as she bounced the baby in her arms, hoping he wouldn't spit up on her beautiful green bridesmaid dress. "Shhh..." She looked at Hikari. "I'm really sorry, he's a bit cranky today."

Hikari smiled pleasantly. "That's okay."

Shinji stepped over and took his son into his arms and patted his back. "There... there..." The baby started to calm down. "That's my boy."

"Little Kaworu really loves his daddy, doesn't he?" Hikari commented.

Rei nodded. "Yes, he does."

Shinji looked at the minister and whispered, "Sorry."

The minister continued. "Marriage is..."

* * *

As Hikari and Kensuke raced down the aisle, they were pelted with beans. Don't ask about the beans, they were out of rice at the fanfiction supply shop.

Behind the bean-pelted newlyweds, the maid of honor and the best man walked slowly down the aisle with their infant son. They looked every bit the picture of a happy family.

And then the church's roof collapsed and killed them all.

Just kidding.

From the pews, the green eyes of a redhead followed the couple.

Visions of what could have been drifting through her thoughts.

"They look happy together, don't they?"

Asuka looked for the source of the voice and saw Misato standing by her side. "Yeah, I guess they do. You look happy too."

Misato smiled and put her hand on her round stomach. "I am... but I think four will be enough for me."

Asuka glanced to the side and saw Kaji taking care of three kids, two of his own plus Shinji and Misato's child. Or trying to take care of them as his current job as a trampoline substitute proved. "At least spread them out a bit..."

Misato chuckled. "Maybe in another world."

Asuka flinched. "Huh?"

"Do you think Shinji knows that we remember the theater and the world before it?"

Asuka's jaw dropped open and she slowly turned her head to look Misato in the eyes. "You... you too?"

Misato nodded. "Why do you think I invited him to live with Kaji and me? I know the pain he's been through and wanted to help him cope with being the father of our child."

"Why didn't you just marry him?"

Misato shook her head. "Then neither of us would be happy, and I doubt our child would grow up happy with unhappy parents." She looked over to see her oldest child running around with his half brothers.

"Together, the four of us and our children are a happy family. Separate, we're a mess."

Asuka thought about this for a moment before wryly commenting, "Shinji's still a mess, if you ask me." She nodded towards Shinji and Rei, the later of which was giving Shinji a blowjob. Well, that's what it would look like from the reader's angle, but from Asuka and Misato's position you could see the large stain on Shinji's crotch that Rei was cleaning up. And before anyone gets any dirty thoughts, little Kaworu peed on his father's pants through a leaky diaper.

"Life is a mess you have to learn to clean up as you go." Misato looked at Asuka with a serious look. "You should have learned that in our original world."

Asuka sighed. "Maybe... but this world is less messy."

Misato laughed softly. "You always said it sucked or blew chunks when we were in the theater."

"It bites too..." Asuka sighed heavily. "But you get used to it after a while."

"True. Those memories from our original world and the theater are a part of us, but this is our world now. Even if it sometimes bites the big one."

Asuka looked at Misato. "How did you know I had those memories, anyway?"

"I could see it in your eyes just now. The Asuka of this world wouldn't feel as deeply about him as you both would."

Asuka sighed and looked back at Shinji and Rei, who were talking with their parents at the church's doorway. "You think we should tell them?"

Misato smiled. "You already know the answer or you'd have said something in the past six years."

"Yes... it's better for them if they aren't reminded of our old lives."

Misato smiled and put her arm around the younger girl. "Are you happy here?"

Asuka pondered that question for a few moments before answering. "I really don't know."

"Yeah, me too. Maybe life is never knowing for sure if you are happy or sad. It's just living."

"Fuck that! I want to be happy!" Asuka blurted.

Misato noticed the wicked grin on the redhead's face. "Don't we all... don't we all." She looked over at her husband and kids. As her three oldest climbed all over Kaji she felt a warmness engulf her.

"Maybe five..."

"Huh?"

Misato looked back at Asuka. "Just wondering what my future will hold."

"Well, the future is what you make of it."

"And what will you make of it?"

Asuka laughed. "Time will tell, but I'll be happy."

A loud slap echoed across the church.

Asuka followed the sound to its source, which was the hand of one of the choirgirls against Touji's cheek. "If I could get rid of that moron, that is."

"He's still chasing other girls, huh?"

"Yeah... but I'm just dating him until Mr. Right comes along, so who cares?"

"Right..."

Asuka didn't like the way Misato said that. "I don't like the way you said that."

"Sorry..."

"Honestly, it's nothing serious." Asuka fidgeted with the bouquet of flowers that she had caught earlier.

Right... even the author doesn't believe that.

Mostly because he knows what the next scene is.

* * *

Two years later, Touji leaned forward and kissed his bride.

The assembled friends and family cheered and clapped and cried.

The crying was mostly from a group of girls devastated by Touji getting married. Apparently Touji actually DID have girls who liked him after all, but only the shy type that never approached him so he never knew he was the babe magnet he always claimed to be. Those admirers included the nameless girl-who turned out to be bisexual-from the back of the classroom, who will still remain nameless.

The rest of the crying was from Misato and her almost two-year-old baby girl-yes, by Kaji, they triple checked it-Kensuke and Hikari's three-month-old daughter, and Shinji and Rei's one-month-old daughter.

As the assorted mothers tried to calm their crying babies, Touji and Asuka ran down the aisle being pelted with dead fish. The supply store was out of beans as well as rice this time.

Shinji held Kaworu in one arm and put the other around Rei, who had quieted down little Lilith. "I hope they'll be happy together."

Rei smiled and looked up at her husband. "I'm sure they will be, the future is bright for all of us in this world you made."

Shinji shook his head. "I didn't make it."

Rei frowned. "Huh... my memories may be a bit jumbled due to all the people I've been, but I know at least half of you made world six-six-six."

Shinji shook his head again. "I only made the foundation; the rest was made by everyone else." Rei still looked a bit confused. "No one man can create a world alone, or it would forever be stagnant and unchanging beyond his single view of that world." Shinji squeezed her shoulder. "A world is only a world if it has the views of everyone living within it to shape it."

Rei smiled and snuggled against Shinji's chest. "You're just saying that because you don't want to take credit for Nevada being renamed to 'Elvisland'."

Shinji shuddered. "Well, how was I supposed to know willing Elvis to be alive in this world so we could hear him sing in person would have such drastic effects on the world."

"I think President Elvis Presley Jr. is doing a good job dealing with the Middle East peace crisis."

"Yeah... but why does he have to gyrate during his speeches?"

Rei laughed. "Genetics."

Shinji leaned over and kissed his wife, knowing without a doubt that he was happy.

Then little Kaworu pooped in his pants. "Dada... I poo... poo."

Shinji sighed and looked at his son. "Again?"

Well, every world has it's shitty jobs, fatherhood most of all.

And Shinji wouldn't trade it for any other world in the universes.

He would know. He tried... and failed most of the time... to build a more perfect world, after all.

But in the end he found happiness in an imperfect world with imperfect people.

That's life, after all.

* * *

Sometime later in another world up God's other nostril, another Shinji lay on the grass with another Rei. They looked up at the stars and the black moon that hung above them. "I'm sad, but I'm happy... is that wrong?" he asked, looking over at one of his life-long partners.

The lines on his face and his white hair made him look every bit of the fifty-two suns he had counted passing during his time in the Garden.

Rei sighed, her own blue hair having been replaced with white some suns ago. Her face still looked beautiful, wrinkles and all. "I miss her."

"Many of the children we grew up with are leaving us the same way lately."

"Yes... and I can't figure out why."

"No one can... but when the light leaves them, they are gone to us."

Rei reached over on touched Shinji's chest, reassured by the rising and falling of his chest. "Why can't any of the others see the lights?"

Shinji shook his head. "I don't know."

Rei's eyes widened and she followed another ball of light as it descended from the black moon. "There's another one..."

Shinji nodded. "Another child will be among us soon."

"The light brings new children, but it takes the older children,"

Rei said casually, not realizing she had stumbled onto the nature of life in the Garden of Eva.

A short while later, a voice interrupted their contemplation of life, the universe, and everything. "Children, a third child is born."

Shinji and Rei looked down from the heavens and saw one of their grandsons holding a newborn baby, their great-grandchild. Or as they would put it, one of their Second Children holding a Third Children.

Shinji smiled as he helped Rei sit up, both of their old bones creaking on the otherwise quiet night.

The Second Child put the newborn Third into Rei's arms. "It's a masculine turd."

Rei smiled and cradled the baby in her arms, memories of her own turds dancing in her head. "He's beautiful." She looked at Shinji and smiled. "I think we should be happy, because even as the original children leave us, we leave behind our own children to bring more children into this garden."

Shinji had no reason to argue, so he leaned over and gave Rei a long kiss.

The Third Child stared to cry, causing Shinji and Rei to laugh.

"Just like the First Children, always interrupting us," Shinji commented.

Rei laughed and kissed her great-grandchild. "Yes, but I don't mind at all."

Shinji and Rei looked up at the black moon again. "The Giver of Life has given us another child."

"Knowing that our children will continue living in the garden after our lights leave us, makes me happy."

Shinji nodded. "Who could be sad about that?"

Rei didn't know of any reason. So when Shinji's light left him after a few more suns passed, she tried not to be sad.

She didn't succeed.

Sometimes you can't explain the loss of someone close to you in rational terms.

Sometimes you can't look past the present feeling of loss and loneliness.

Sometimes it's all right to be sad.

That's what makes the happy moments all the happier.

* * *

Back up God's other nostril, a seventy-something Shinji and Rei looked up at their world's single white moon. "I'm sad," Shinji said softly.

"She had a long life," Rei said softly, clasping her husband's hand tightly.

"I know. Longer than she had in our original world, I guess." Shinji sighed.

"I can barely remember that world these days. It seems so distant,"

Rei said staring into the vast night sky. "This is my world."

"Really? I can still remember all of the worlds I made quite vividly."

"I wonder if our other selves in the Garden are happy?"

"Happy as us? No one could be as happy as we are," Shinji grinned and rolled over to give his wife a long kiss.

"Break it up, you two."

Breaking the kiss, Shinji and Rei looked over and saw their oldest son.

At least Shinji's oldest son. But Rei had come to think of him as her own over the years. Even if she didn't give birth to him, she loved him as she did her own children. "How is your wife doing?"

The tall man nodded slowly, his face showing his fifty-some years clearly. "As well as can be expected. She loved her mother a lot, even if the two of them had the worse fights sometimes."

"You know what they say about redheads..." Rei remarked.

"Yeah, that's why I married my darling Eve."

"I was talking about their temper, young man," Rei scolded him, with a wink. She was young once too, you know. Not to mention horny as a hooker in a billionaire convention.

"I know," he replied and looked up into the sky. "Do you think there's an afterlife?"

"Of course, I'm living it now," Shinji replied without thinking.

Some bad habits never die.

"Huh?"

Shinji opened his mouth to answer, but gasped instead when Rei poked him in the ribs with her elbow.

"What your father means is that he hopes the afterlife is as wonderful as real life. Right, Honey?" Rei glared at Shinji.

"Oh yeah..."

"Darn, I hoped the afterlife was filled with naked girls."

Shinji giggled. "That too."

Rei jabbed Shinji again.

Their son smiled for the first time since his mother-in-law passed away. "I hope Eve and I are still as much in love with each other and life when we're your age, Dad."

"I'm sure you will be, Adam." Shinji looked up at the sky. I just hope this world doesn't die with me.

Even if he had never spoken it out loud, Rei could tell from the look on her husband's face what he was worried about. It was her worse fear too.

What parent didn't worry about their children's future?

But very few parents had doubts the world might cease to exist after their deaths.

There can be no worse fear than that of a parent who knows he created the world his family lived in and wasn't sure that world would exist for his family to live in after he passed on.

Shinji had some unique worries, to say the least.

* * *

Returning once again to God's other nostril, untold millennia passed. Those millennia were filled with happy moments and sad moments.

Such is the nature of life in any universe.

A heavy boot pressed into the dark dust covering the Giver of Life.

"That's one small step for a child, one giant leap for all children."

The spacesuited figure looked around the barren surface of the black moon, a circular landing craft behind him. "It's so beautiful up here." He walked away from his lander, slowly scanning the landing site for sighs of trouble. "Everything looks okay here, no signs of unstable ground or danger."

A voice crackled over his communications headgear. "Good to hear it, Ando. Pedo, begin your walk."

Ando turned around and saw his companion coming out of the lander wearing another suit like his own. Their suits were not unlike those suits of the first men on the other moon that circled the green world below, but still different since it reflected the technology of an entirely different world with an entirely different history.

After taking in the formerly unseen view of the surface, he looked up and gasped in astonishment. "Oh my children..."

The other spacesuit figure paused, and looked up at the sky in concern. "It's beautiful," Pedo's unmistakably female voice replied.

Ando nodded. "The Garden looks so small from here..." She lifted up a gloved hand and cupped the world in his hand. "I feel like I'm holding all the children in my hand at once."

Above them, a green and blue world reflected the sun's light onto the black moon's surface like it had since the beginning of time. Which for the children of that world, meant since Third Impact.

* * *

Any explorer expects to see and discover new things, but no one can be prepared to find something so contrary to what they know to be true that they can fully comprehend it.

During one of their exploratory moonwalks, Ando gasped and pointed behind Pedo. "Oh my children..."

"What?" Pedo asked, looking up from the rock sample she was collecting.

Ando just gestured behind her.

Pedo turned and gasped when she saw the tall, black monolith towering over them. "Oh my children!"

"No... no... not that, to the right!"

Pedo frowned and looked to the left. She gasped again. "Oh my children, it's full of stars!"

Ando shook his head. "No, that's the sky, dummy. Look down at the surface near the base of that hill."

Pedo looked down and didn't gasp, since she was all gasped out.

"What the Giver of Death is that?"

Ando cringed. "Don't take the other satellite's name in vain."

"Sorry..." Pedo looked closer at the object that had attracted their attention. It wasn't natural, that much they could tell even from a distance. It was a large piece of flat metal embedded in the side of the hill. Most amazingly, a leaf made of green corroded copper was emblazoned across the surface. Well, it was actually only half a leaf.

Ando raised his arm and looked at one of the patches on the sleeve of his spacesuit. "It kind of reminds me of our world's symbol of life.

Pedo looked at her own sleeve and nodded. The patch depicted a green fig leaf. "What do you think it means?"

"I don't know, but we should take a closer look."

Pedo nodded. "Well, after coming all this way, it'd be a shame to miss something interesting."

Ando laughed and started to bound toward the metal structure, which was once an entrance to the NERV headquarters that had been located within the geofront. He had no way of knowing that, of course.

"I wonder what this monolith is doing up here?" Pedo asked, as she bounded alongside Ando.

Ando shrugged. "Who knows, they're quite the fad on the Garden these days, so maybe mission control sent one up as a joke."

Pedo thought that was a good possibility, so she put thoughts of the monolith out of her mind.

If either of them could read the non-existent-in their world at least-language of German, they'd have also wondered what the 'SEELE 01'

scrawled across the surface meant.

* * *

Some time later, the two explorers pushed aside a large boulder wedged into the corridor they had just spent way to long crawling and digging through.

The sight that greeted them as the boulder floated away was worth all the sweat and tears they had expended to get to that point. And worth the billions of woolons it had cost to get them to the Giver of Life in the first place.

"Wow."

"Wow."

Within the vast underground sphere they found themselves in, spun millions of small globes of light. The lights traced intricate patterns that looked random, but at the same time seemed to form patterns that couldn't possibly be truly random.

"Mission control, you won't believe what we see," Ando said, not believing what he was seeing either.

Some things take more than seeing to believe and the Room of Gafs was one of those.

And then things got even more remarkable.

"I'm reading an atmosphere in here," Pedo said, checking an instrument on her arm.

"That's impossible. Your gauge must... be..." his protests stopped as he checked his own gauge. "I don't believe this."

Believe it.

* * *

After removing their helmets, the two of them continued their exploration of the hollow sphere without seeing anything but some indistinct ruins and the spinning lights.

They were almost ready to call it a day when they spotted something.

"What's that?" Pedo asked, her long blue hair floating in a wide arc behind her.

"Oh my children..." Ando cussed, his short red hair bobbing up and down in the zero gravity.

Using their suit's thrusters, they maneuvered forward. The lights on their suits flickered across the surface of the unusual formation they had seen from a distance. As they neared, it became obvious that the formation was a statue of a boy and a girl locked in a passionate kiss. A tall stack of thin, stone sheets floated nearby. It was about five times as tall as the statues.

"This is remarkable," Ando said as he examined the statues.

"Yes..." Pedo muttered as she slid some of the stone sheets sideways and saw the rough drawings on them. "Wow... it's..." She looked at several more of the sheets. "It's like a story or something."

Ando looked over. "What's it about?"

"I'm not sure." Several hours passed as they examined the sheets.

"Amazing... it's the story of a family... several families." She looked at the thousands of sheets that she hadn't looked at yet. "There must be at least a hundred generations represented here."

Ando nodded. "Yeah... and it all started with these two." He pointed at the stone figures.

"Call me crazy, but..." Pedo started to say but trailed off.

"But?" Ando prodded.

"It's nothing."

Ando looked between the statues and her partner. "What?"

"Well..." Pedo touched the face of the male statue. "Is it just me or do they remind you of the Children of Eva?"

Ando almost choked on his tongue she laughed so suddenly. "Come on... that's nothing but a fairytale children tell their turds before sleeptime."

Pedo moved her hand to the female statue. "Yeah... but they are just like the old paintings and drawings that show the Children of Eva."

Ando laughed again. "Come on. We're the Nine-hundredth and seventy-second Children, how can you believe all that crap about the Children of Eva and the First Children?"

Pedo smiled smugly. "Well, they did have to start counting with someone, why not them?" She nodded towards the statues of the Children of Eva.

Or as they were known in previous lives and in other worlds, Shinji and Rei.

[End of The End of Garden of Eva (really)]

(please read through the author's notes for a bonus!) ======================================================================= Author's notes/ramblings:

Yup, that is truly and absolutely the end of Garden of Eva.

Really.

I mean it.

This time, I REALLY, REALLY mean it.

I know I've said that before, but I swear that there are no more Garden of Eva stories to be told.

It's finished.

Forever.

And ever.

Until the next Impact, of course...

* * *

It was a little over 3 years ago that I picked up the last Neon Genesis Evangelion tape at Anime Expo 1998 and watched it.

And rewatched it.

And again for a third time to try to make some semblance of sense out of it.

When I couldn't do that, I wrote my own really short story based on the five minute 'perfect world' shown in episode 26 and sent a draft to the FMML.

When that wasn't enough to tame the story building within me, Garden of Eva was born.

And three years later that story has come to an end.

It has grown and expanded over the years, but the core of my idea when I first decided to make my really short story "Reality Bites" into a series was still there and emerged when the blood, guts, and semen settled:

No fourteen-year-old boy could possibly know enough about life to make a truly perfect world.

In fact, no one does.

"Perfect" is an impossible ideal to obtain.

As proven by this imperfect fanfiction story.

It just plain bites, sucks, and blows; after all.

* * *

The "Garden of EVA" solution for the real Earth was my original intention from the start. Hence the name. That the 'real' Shinji wouldn't choose to live in it was as well.

Some of the other twists and turns materialized as I wrote. I could write another novel just explaining my (demented) thought processes as I wrote the three books that make up the Garden of Eva saga. But I won't.

Even my discarded ideas could probably have filled a novel, but three books are enough for this universe. Um... universes.

I hope you enjoyed the ride, as I have enjoyed writing it.

Until the next Impact creates the next universe, goodbye.

* * *

Portions of this part were written in Switzerland, France, and over the Atlantic Ocean and Canada.

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Michael A. Chase and Thomas C. Kinnen.

Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

Revision 0.0 - Initial draft began (June 20, 2001 while flying over Belgium)

Revision 0.1 - Initial draft completed (July 15, 2001) Revision 0.3 - Pre-reader draft (July 16, 2001) Revision 0.5 - Second pre-reader draft (August 16, 2001) Revision 1.0 - Final version (August 30, 2001) -E- -V- -A-

Super duper bonus: The following is the original version of Reality Bites (the basis for the Garden of Eva series) as sent to the FFML on July 11th, 1998, a day that people have cursed me for ever since. Don't mind the spelling, grammar, and other errors... this was a first draft written up in about an hour or so, after all.

I almost finished Garden of Eva by/on the third anniversary of this short piece, but just had to make it perfect for all my readers. I hope you're all grateful for making me waste three years on this trash. ;-) I hope you enjoy this and the stories it spawned. Thank you.

[EVA][Fanfic] Eva - Reality Bites

A quick story about the last the episode of Evangelion. Let me know what you think. I might expand it a bit, but I wanted to get some feedback first.

(see I can do something other than Ranma fanfics :) ======================================================================= Eva - Reality Bites

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission Eva - Reality Bites story created, written, and Copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

======================================================================= Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode, this story contains spoilers. Also, some understanding of that episode is useful to fully enjoy this story. This story has no connection with any of the Eva movies.

======================================================================= "Unit 01, Angel at 9 o'clock."

"I've got it. Asuka, take the Angel on your right. I'll take this new one," Shinji called out. He quickly adjusted his Eva's controls and his Eva Unit 01 lumbered to engage the new threat.

"Who put you in command!" an angry female voice replied over the intercom.

Shinji sighed. It was like this every time they piloted the Evas.

"Just do it, you're closer to that one!" Shinji yelled back.

"Jerk," Asuka replied. Then her Eva Unit 02 launched a volley of high-powered bullets at her target.

"You'd be better off using hand to hand with that Angel," a calm female voice informed Asuka.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it!"

Shinji was wrestling with an Angel which was twice the size of his Eva. He tried to get his progressive knife into the Angel's eye, but the eye kept moving around the body to avoid the knife.

"Damn it!" Shinji cursed. An explosion rocked Shinji's entry plug.

He turned his Eva's head to find the source. It was Unit 00. "Rei!"

"I am undamaged," Rei replied.

Shinji returned to trying to kill his Angel. He grinned as he finally found the eye with his blade. The Angel exploded and sent him flying backwards right into Eva Unit 02.

"Get off of me, Shinji!" Asuka called.

"I'm not doing this because I like you!" Shinji screamed back. He tried to move his Eva off Eva Unit 02, but the Angel Asuka was fighting had wrapped an elastic arm around both of them.

"Hey look! Shinji and Asuka are doing it!" Touji called out.

"Pervert! Just fight your own Angel and leave the lovebirds alone!" Hikari scolded Touji.

"We are not! Our Eva's are just tangled up!" Asuka insisted.

"Very well, I'll take care of this,' Rei said.

Soon, Eva Unit 00 destroyed the Angel holding Units 01 and 02 in their doggy style position. As the Angel exploded, the three Eva units were blasted in all directions.

Touji pivoted his Eva Unit 03 and used his Eva's flexible arms to strangle the glowing Angel in front of him. With a sickening sucking sound, the Angel's head popped off and a bloody mess fell to the ground. "Cool!" Touji exclaimed.

"Oh, that's just sick," Hikari said, holding back her lunch. She then pivoted her Eva Unit 06 quickly to dodge the Angel who was rushing at her back. With a sweep of her long progressive sword, she cut the angel in half. She smirked.

"Nice form, Hikari," Kensuke called out, just as he used his Eva Unit 05 to toss an Angel into a energy barrier that the ground forces had erected nearby. The Angel exploded with a chorus of song.

"Hey! Quit hitting on my babe!" Touji snapped.

"I'm not a babe! You Neanderthals!"

Shinji had gotten his Eva Unit 01 back to it's feet and was scanning for an Angel to attack. He spotted one advancing on the group of Eva's from his left, he raced off towards it. "Die!" he screamed as he grabbed a huge rifle on the run. He swung the rifle up and blasted the Angel repeatedly. The Angel's advance was slowed by his shots, but not stopped.

Suddenly, Eva Unit 00 was in front of Shinji. It appeared to be grinning, but that couldn't be. Shinji was very surprised when Unit 00 thrust it's progressive knife at his Eva's head. The knife was embedded deeply in Eva Unit 00's head and Shinji's controls went dead.

"Damn it! Why did you do that, Rei?!" Shinji shouted, but got no response since his systems were all dead.

Finally, his entry plug opened up and he crawled out. Rei was standing over him in her school uniform. Rei grinned and put her hand son her hips. She said, "That's for looking at my panties this morning!"

"That was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Yeah, right. Hikari filled me in on you and the Idiot Trio," Rei said.

"Fine then. If all it cost me was losing a dumb VR game, then it was worth it for a peek at your panties!" Shinji snapped back at Rei.

"That's the last time you're ever see them! Pervert!" Rei informed Shinji and stormed out of the game area.

Shinji watched her leave, then was joined by Touji and Kensuke.

"Oh yeah...she has the love jones for me," Shinji said.

"She hides it well," Kensuke said, smirking.

"So, Shinji...what was it like to hump Asuka?" Touji asked.

"Huh? Oh...that was nothing."

"Tell me about it, I didn't even feel it," Asuka said, as she walked up behind the Idiot Trio. She smiled at them and made her exit.

"What's with her today?" Shinji asked.

"Must be her time of the month," Touji offered.

"Okay you three morons! Get out of the game area and we can see how pitifully you did," Hikari commanded, then herded them out. The next group of Eva pilots crawled into the game entry plugs.

* * *

They all sat in the food court at the shopping center where the Evangelion game center was. "That was a fun game, until Rei killed me,"

Shinji remarked.

Rei stuck her tongue out at Shinji, the took a sip of her drink.

"If only those Eva units were real. It'd be really cool to really pilot them," Kensuke said, examining a book of schematics of the game Evas.

"I guess, but Shinji would want his to anatomically correct,"

Asuka remarked.

"I already said that was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Shinji loves Asuka. Shinji loves Asuka!" Touji and Kensuke taunted.

"Cut that out!" Shinji yelled.

* * *

The gang walked home from the mall. Rei was walking with Hikari in the back. "So is Asuka really Shinji's girlfriend?" Rei asked Hikari, softly.

Hikari replied, "Not that I know of. They just grew up together."

A small smile crossed Rei's face.


End file.
